Happy New Year!

Have a happy new year, everyone! And please celebrate safely.

-- Z

Happy New Year!

Have a happy new year, everyone! And please celebrate safely.

-- Z

Well, that's deflating.

Guy #1: "What are we doing for New Years?"

Guy #2: "Women."

Guy #1: "Yeah. But what about you? BURN!"

Guy #2: "Wow. Good one. The sad part is you're right. You'll get tons of girls. And I'll be stuck, drinking by myself, shooing everyone away while the countdown starts. If I'm lucky, I'll kiss my own hand and wonder when I'll finally be happy. Thanks for that."

- UIC

-- Submitted by Flames Fan

That's ALMOST as bad as wandering around Egypt for forty years. Almost.

Guy: (on cell) "I make fun of his Xbox going down and then, BAM! A few days later my projector dies. It's like God hates Jews. You'd think he'd treaten the chosen a wee bit better, no?"

- Green Line

-- Submitted by Mikey

I think it's the devil. THE DEVIL!

Woman: "So I have to ask you this burning question."

Man: "What's that?"

Woman: "How do you feel about garlic?"

Man: "Well, I think my second wife was a vampire. She fed it to me all of the time."

- Club Lucky

-- Submitted by Chicago Import

1,500 posts! Woo Hoo!

Guy: "Where are you going for break?"

Girl: "Aunt's house in Michigan. We're all meeting there. You?"

Guy: "I think I'm staying at my apartment. I don't need to see my mom get drunk, my grandmother sob about her horrible life, my brothers complaining about not getting what they want, and my dad sitting in the corner, pretending to be on the phone for 3 days."

- UIC

-- Submitted by Clarise

There's nothing wrong with Easy Mac.

30 something: "Don't worry, almost no one graduates in four years these days. It took me 8 years! There's really nothing to feel bad about."

20 something: "Yes, but you got married and had two children along the way. I've been eating Easy Mac and watching Everyone Loves Raymond."

- Woodfield Mall

-- Submitted by April

Make it 15 and I'll do it.

Young boy to young friend: "I'll give ya ten bucks to do the Soulja Boy dance."

- Red Line

-- Submitted by Hoping My Kids Won't Grow Up So Fast

Merry Christmas, Mr. Potter!

Back on Wednesday. Have a great holiday!

Z

Good thing they didn't misspell tigger.

Man: "...and the license plate was hilarious. POO BER6"

Woman: "Poo bear? Like shit bear? That's AWESOME. The H is kind of important."

Man: "What if they changed it a little. It could have been Po' Bear."

Woman: "Or P'ho Bear!"

- Red Line

-- Submitted by Roberto

At least he shares a positive outlook.

Dad: "Sweetie. Sweetie. Come here. Don't. No. Don't. Come HERE!"

Employee: "We don't have any left in stock but...."

Dad: "Hold on. Pumpkin, get over here, NOW! Does working here make you want kids more or less?"

Employee: "Neither really."

Dad: "Oh yeah? If I worked here before I had kids, I would have snipped the tubes myself."

- Kids R Us, Niles

-- Submitted by Jennifer

To concentrate harder on the lovefest?

Suit 1: "Its like a love-fest in there. I hate it!"

Suit 2: "Yeah. You want a ritalin?"

Suit 1: "Sure."

- Randolph and Michigan

-- Submitted by Rachel

Sigh.

Guy #1: "You want to go to the Bears game on Sunday?"

Guy #2: "Who are they playing?"

Guy #1: "Packers."

Guy #2: "Is it going to be warm?"

Guy #1: "No. It's December."

Guy #2: "Then I'm not going. I'd rather not freeze my balls off AND watch the Bears get the ever-living shit beat out of them. Although, they may have a 'play quarterback for the Bears' contest. I couldn't be much worse."

- CNA Building

-- Submitted by Corporate

Try someplace cheaper, like 7-11

Guy #1: "...I'll just pay by check."

Guy #2: "You can't afford it. Just get her something cheaper."

Guy #1: "I'll just post date the check to 2040. They'll never know."

Guy #2: "Until you hand them the check, idiot."

- Nordstrom's, Skokie

-- Submitted by Haughty Taughty

NOW you're convinced? Call the F'n police.

20-something: "I always thought my ex was crazy, but now I'm convinced that he's out of his mind. Last night he climbed through a window to my room to leave a teddy bear and some candy for my birthday. I mean, he was in my home when I wasn't there! I care about him, but he needs to move on already."

- Blue Line

-- Micah

That's a good angle

Guy: "What are you writing?"

Girl: "A paper for history."

Guy: "About what?"

Girl: "If I took one event in history and erased it, what I think the outcome would be. We're kind of limited to negatives though, like erasing Hitler, Stalin, or Idi Amin. Stuff like that."

Guy: "How about just erasing their parents?"

- UIC

-- Submitted by Penelope A.

I'll take the first one.

Female Med Student: "I want life to be like Grey's Anatomy or ER."

Male Med Student: "Why the hell would you want that?"

F.M.S.: "Because I love those shows and want to be a doctor."

M.M.S.: "Great. So you want to be in a hospital where everyone fucks everyone else, forgets about it, fucks someone else, and then fuck the first person again? Oh wait. I forgot about the wonky, bumbling, and/or stupid med student who ends up saving a bunch of lives. Which person do you want to be?"

- Loyola

-- Submitted by Janet

Well, he did say different

Guy #1: "What are you doing tonight?"

Guy #2: "Hanging out in my room. I'm kind of tired."

Guy #1: "Let's do something different tonight."

Guy #2: "Like what? I don't feel like going out."

Guy #1: "That's cool. Let's hang out in your room them, but instead of playing video games, let's make moonshine or something."

- Northwestern University

-- Submitted by Wiley

Isn't the word 'Detroit' french?

Guy: (on cell) "I'm saying this because I'm mad. Chicago isn't Detroit. Detroit's a damn slum. Like, right now I'm in this coffee shop, uh, uh, Bain-jer. They don't speak French in Detroit."

- Bonjour Bakery, Hyde Park

-- Submitted by Michael

Clowntime sounds exciting.

Guy: "Do you think maybe we can put her to bed without all the theatrics tonight? Just like, read a story and then get some sleep?"

Girl: "No. Without the theatrics, bedtime is boring."

Guy: "That's why's it CALLED bedtime. If it were supposed to be exciting, it'd be called the circus. Or clowntime. Or 'fuck sleep, we're gonna play' time."

- EJ's Place

-- Submitted by Rohan

That makes it hotter, right?

Girl: "She's not a lesbian in the conventional sense."

- DePaul University

-- Submitted by Jeff

Dense

Guy #1: "Let's go golfing."

Guy #2: "It's December."

Guy #1: "So let's take a trip."

Guy #2: "I have to study."

Guy #1: "Come on. A weekend jaunt to Arizona."

Guy #2: "Why don't you start our jaunt by getting the hell out of our room. Or you can go further by having me throw you out. Either way, you start walking, and I'll meet you there."

Guy #1: "Cool. Where should we meet?"

Guy #2: "GET THE HELL OUT OF HERE!"

- Northwestern University

-- Submitted by Viking

That'd be a neat trick

Girl #1: "I think there's something wrong with the baby."

Girl #2: "What's the matter?"

Girl #1: "She keeps drooling and spitting up."

Girl #2: "Ok? She's three months old."

Girl #1: "Is that normal?"

Girl #2: "Do you expect her to be eating steak and drinking wine?"

- Metra Milwaukee District North

-- Submitted by Rider

All his charm is going towards girl B.

Guy: "Why would you answer my phone?"

Girl: "Because it could have been important."

Guy: "What if it was my mistress or some girl who I'm just sleeping with?"

Girl: "First, they probably wouldn't talk if another girl answered. Second, you're barely keeping me around. How the hell do you think you could get someone else?"

- Cary

-- Submitted by Far Away

Someone loves their shoes

Girl #1: "Let's go shoe shopping."

Girl #2: "It's snowy outside."

Girl #1: "So? It's not snowy inside."

Girl #2: "Right, but how can we walk out in new shoes if they're going to get all wet and salty."

Girl #1: "Keep them in the box?"

Girl #2: "New shoes? In the box? Who are you? Hitler?!"

- State and Lake

-- Submitted by Tree

I think the proper term is mental disorder patients. Or crazies.

Guy #1: "I think I'm going to stick with psych. It's a good practice to be in right now."

Guy #2: "I'd rather be a urologist. You deal with less nuts. Get it? Nuts?"

Guy #1: "Yeah, but I have to put up with retards like you. I go to the ward for quiet time. Asshole."

- Blue Line

-- Submitted by Gary P.

Business ethics in practice

Bum: "Happy Holidays, folks. Be it Hanukkah, Christmas, Kwanzaa or whatever. All I need is a little help. Not for presents, not for travel. Just to help me forget about years past. Magic elixirs, folks. Magic elixirs."

- Outside of Union Station

-- Submitted by Johnny

We must remember the important things.

Girl #1: "Are you ready for the ice storm tonight?"

Girl #2: "Yeah. I figure if it gets bad, I'll just stay in the dorms. I don't want to break my leg."

Girl #3: "Forget that. I'm just happy my hair won't get frizzy."

- UIC

-- Submitted by Queen

1 ,2, 3. No, wait, 2. That last one is a vampire.

Guy #1: "What are you doing?"

Guy #2: "Counting the amount of dead people I know."

Guy #1: "Like currently dead or previously dead?"

- Loyola University

-- Submitted by Ramblin' Man

Guy #1: "What are you doing?"

Guy #2: "Counting the amount of dead people I know."

Guy #1: "Like currently dead or previously dead?"

Guy #2: "

Our warm, non-nuclear winters.

Guy: "Let's go on vacation."

Girl: "Where to?"

Guy: "Russia."

Girl: "Why Russia?"

Guy: "When I come back, I want to appreciate Chicago's warm winters."

- Evanston

-- Submitted by Tihar

He'd be grumpy, that's for sure.

Man: "I used to work for this lady who was such a bitch. And she looks like Danny DeVito, in drag. No, seriously, imagine Danny DeVito with a red curly wig and you have my boss."

Woman: "I can see Danny DeVito in drag being a bitch."

- Michigan Ave

-- Submitted by Mary

Ain't that the truth

Homeless man 1: "We got to make some money."

Homeless man 2: "No no no man. Making money's easy; KEEPIN' it's the problem."

- Wrigleyville McDonald's

-- Submitted by Girlsicle

Are they little firemen or big firemen?

Woman: "Oh, look. Firemen! I totally want to marry a fireman someday."

Man: "You know, they go commando under their rubber pants. Trust me, I've seen pictures."

- Michigan and Wacker

-- Submitted by Mary

She wouldn't get very far.

Man #1: "...so she was caller 103 and she won $1,000!"

Man #2: "Man, if I ever win $1,000 I'mma buy me a good woman."

Woman: "Scuse me? She'd take that money and leave yo ass, fool."

- Dick Blick on State

-- Submitted by April

So do moose. You don't see people signing THEIR petitions.

Green Peace guy wearing cheerful reindeer antlers: "Excuse me ma'm. Do you care about the environment?"

Loyola girl: (blank stare)

Green Peace guy: "Hey, I'm wearing antlers!"

- Loyola University

-- Submitted by Lau

They even ruin furry conventions.

Guy" (cell phone) "Damn furries. Why do they have to ruin everything?"

- #151 Sheridan Bus

-- Submitted by Katie

At least YOU'LL be fine.

Guy: (on cell) "I figure she's either going to go to school or die. Either way, I have a peaceful meeting."

- Green Line

-- Submitted by John

The squatter wouldn't leave.

Guy: "...so we're looking for a new cleaning lady."

Girl: "Ours is awesome. She comes in, works for four hours, and cleans everything. Sixty bucks."

Guy: "Our's comes in, works for 5 hours, and cleans nothing. Hundred bucks."

Girl: "Are you sure she's a cleaning lady and not a squatter?"

- Purple Line

-- Submitted by Kylie

And a side of fries

College girl: "You know what sounds really good right now? World peace."

- South Loop

-- Submitted by Sushi

There are defined levels?

Guy walking behind his 3 frolicking friends: "I don't think anyone doubts how gay you are."

- Belmont and Halsted

-- Submitted by Meg

Happy Chanukkah!

Updates when I get out of my car.

At least he's got a flow.

Hobo to a guy in an orange knit hat: "I like your hat. It is orange. Orange is a very positive color. It is my favorite color. My birthday is next Tuesday."

- Red Line, South Loop

-- Submitted by Brian

She was 16 at the time.

Teen girl 1: "....It was a horrible way to find out about Santa."

Teen girl 2: "Oh man! My way was bad, too. We fell asleep under the tree so our parents just let us sleep there. I woke up in the middle of the night to find them putting presents around us. My life hasn't been the same since."

- Woodfield mall

-- Submitted by Katie

That stuff is pretty tasty. Hippie.

Alternachick: "Dudes!!! How do you not carry low fat chocolate soy milk?"

- Chicago Ave. Dominick's

-- Submitted by La Sirena

But it's so sweet and tasty.

Guy: (on cell) "...Yeah, we're doing sundae's tonight. Did you get all the stuff? I just got whipped cream last week! JUST BECAUSE IT'S FAT FREE DOES NOT MEAN YOU CAN EAT THE WHOLE DAMN CONTAINER! Then you wonder why your toes are invisible to you!"

- Green Line

-- Submitted by Taylor

Just continue the normal, casual conversation

Guy: "I don't know what I would say if I was at the dog park and someone said to me, 'I have AIDS!'"

- University of Chicago, Cobb

-- Submitted by Katie

Don't strain yourself.

Guy: "You could probably coach basketball too. It takes a lot of little things, though. I have to...I...I have to remember all the kids' names."

- North Suburban Office

-- Submitted by Wasn't Eavesdropping

Brotherly Love

(Two guys swearing.)

Random Dude: "Guys, could you please not swear. It's really offensive."

Swearer #1: "And? You don't like it? Take your bitch ass to a different car."

Swearer #2: "Yeah! You a bitch ass. Bitch ass."

Random Dude: "Jesus loves all. Since I love Jesus, and Jesus loves you, I love you as well."

Swearer #1: "Well you better not love me before I punch you in the God damn mouth!"

- Blue Line

-- Submitted by Randy

Because in a good way would be....

Girl #1: "When is it going to snow?"

Girl #2: "Who cares? Snow is awful."

Girl #1: "Snow is gorgeous. All light and fluffy."

Girl #2: "Snow is the worst. It kills everything. Traffic, activities, everything!"

Girl #3: "Yeah. It's like it makes time slow down, and then speed up, and the slow down. And not in a good way."


- Red Line

-- Submitted by Janine

Right after the Jedi Mind Trick

Guy #1: "Let's go somewhere. I'm bored."

Guy #2: "Where do you want to go?"

Guy #1: "I don't know. You want to catch a movie?"

Guy #2: "Are you going to pay for both of us, too? What the hell is the matter with you?"

Guy #1: "I'm just saying. We don't have to sit next to each other, we can just watch."

Guy #2: "'Til you use the old 'yawn trick.'"

- Loyola University

-- Submitted by Kyle

Fakes

Hey everyone. Unfortunately, I'm going to have to start confirming submissions. I've had one individual who has submitted about 30 items in the past four weeks from the same IP address. S/he's pretty good at creating fake email addresses but, after an IP check, it's all from the same person. Your chances of having a submission posted are much greater if you give a REAL email address. Again, it won't be shared with anyone, but I'm not into fake posts.

Now, onto the show.

Crazy, Party of One. Your drinks are ready.

Sobbing Drunk Woman: "You know I like to go to the bar and stay out late. So if you're gonna be with me, you need to decide now."

Man: "The bar closes in an hour. It's time to go. You've had too much to drink. Now lets go."

Sobbing Drunk Woman: "NO! NO! NO! You know I stay until it closes. We leave when I say we leave. You're embarrsing me in front of my friends. Don't you care about me?!"

Man: You have had way too much. Just listen to you! I don't care if I embarrass you. I love you, but I've had enough."

Sobbing Drunk Woman: "No you listen. I don't care if you're married. We've been dating WAY too long and if you think we're fucked up now, it's only going to get worse."

- In front of Jake's Pub

-- Submitted by Dizzy

It is. The whole town is a giant slide.

Preteen Girl: "Daddy, what IS Grand Rapids?"

Dad: "It's a town, er, um, it's a city."

Preteen Girl: "Oh. I thought it was like a water park or something."

- O'Hare

-- Submitted by Ltrn

It may stand for "you're a moron."

Girl #1: "Yeah, I have some friends who go to NIU, UIC."

Girl #2: "What does the 'I' stand for?"

Girl #1: "Um, I'm not sure."

- Plane coming to Chicago from Minneapolis

-- Submitted by JR

It's funnier when you realize they don't work. At least for Walgreens.

Woman at ATM: "I have a cold. I went to Walgreens to try and get some medicine, but all they had was knockoffs. You know, Waldryl, Wal-a-fed, like that. Aren't those names funny?"

Friend: "Yeah they are!"

Woman: "There was also Wal-trin. That was my favorite."

Friend: "Oh my gosh, that's hilarious."

- Chase Bank, South Loop

-- Submitted by Grace

There are witches in the sea?!

Girl: (on cell) "Ursula is being such a BITCH!"

Guy (through the window) : "Yes, sea witches can be like that."

- Lakeview Apartment

-- Submitted by anonymous

There are witches in the sea?!

Girl: (on cell) "Ursula is being such a BITCH!"

Guy (through the window) : "Yes, sea witches can be like that."

- Lakeview Apartment

-- Submitted by anonymous

Or just switch girlfriends

Man to friend looking in "romance" section of cards: "You should just stock up on cards. You know you're going to screw up again."

- Walgreens on Wells/Adams

-- Submitted by Stephanie

Happy Thanksgiving Everybody!

Som absolute craziness going on.

I'm in the middle of some pretty intense stuff. Updates soon.

Z

Som absolute craziness going on.

I'm in the middle of some pretty intense stuff. Updates soon.

Z

Someone's green with envy.

Drama queen: "And then, she made popcorn at 2 AM. Do you know what sex and popcorn smells like at 2 in the morning? I mean, I had to be up in a few hours. The worst part is that neither the sex or the popcorn was mine. I hate my roommate. I hate her. I HATE HER!"

- University Center

-- Submitted by Molly

And then you can play "Cellmate" with Butch!

Creepy Guy: "You best put your sweater on, you're going to catch a cold."

Girl: "Oh, it's okay. I was just outside and it's not that cold!"

Creepy Guy: "Well if you do get sick, I could be your doctor."

- Loop Office Elevator

-- Submitted by Allie

Out of rain?

Man: "It's raining. Let's make a baby."

- Walgreen's in Glen Ellyn

-- Submitted by Agnes

Probably digs S&M

Girl: (on cell) "...and we didn't want to be bothered. No, we were sitting there chatting. He just comes up and starts dancing in front of us, doing that kissy face, head noddy thing. Yeah. So we told him he had two choices: Go away, or get punched in the junk. Yeah, I can't believe we punched him either."

- Red Line

-- Submitted by Carla

Touche, madam. Touche.

Creepy guy: "Hey Cutie, you looking good. You ever been with a black man?"

Woman: "No. Have you?"

- Millennium Park

-- Submitted by Agnes

Must be a whopper of a backstory

First Guy: "I've never done anything weird before."

Second Guy: "Well how about that time you had to make out with a girl to prove you weren't gay."

First Guy: "You are taking that out of context."

- 58th and University

-- SuMust be some contextbmitted by Double D

Details. Not important. (NEEEEEIGH!)

Guy: "Man, man she's a stallion. She like 5"10, ya know. She's a stallion."

Random stranger: "You do you know that a stallion is a male horse for breeding, right?"

- 626 Pace Bus, Skokie

-- Submitted by Annoyed Commuter

Yowza

Woman: "Hey. He's here. You better get out of his chair."

Man: "Fuck him. He doesn't own this chair. It's communal."

Woman: "Not when you get fired."

- South Side

-- Submitted by Lindy

Gotta appreciate sober friends.

Drunk guy: "All of them. It's all of them bitches I've fucked."

Sober guy: "Ok. First of all, you have got to stop calling them bitches. And second, you need to give some, too. Relationships are about compromise."

- Franklin and Jackson

-- Submitted by J

Too late.

Male Customer: "I think I may have developed genital warts. Is it okay to use Compound-W on it?"

Pharmacist: "That type of Compound-W may cause harm to genital areas. You should consult your physician immediately."

- Northwest Suburban Walgreens

-- Submitted by Endlessly Disgusted

Too late.

Male Customer: "I think I may have developed genital warts. Is it okay to use Compound-W on it?"

Pharmacist: "That type of Compound-W may cause harm to genital areas. You should consult your physician immediately."

- Northwest Suburban Walgreens

-- Submitted by Endlessly Disgusted

You'd need a big oven.

Woman: (on cell) "Why don't we do something new for Thanksgiving? No, not just with decorations. How about with the food? I don't know, like, eat a giraffe or something."

- Metra Union Pacific

-- Submitted by Randy

It's the thing to do.

Man: (on cell) "Stacy. That's. No. Awful. Why on earth would you name your kid after a rock?!"

- Skokie Swift

-- Submitted by Yee

Oprah would never ride in a limo with "normal" people.

Girl #1: "What are you looking at?"

Girl #2: "That limo. Whenever I see a limo, I secretly hope Oprah is inside looking back at me. I mean, Oprah could totally be in there."

Girl #1: "Do you realize how many limo riders you've probably creeped out?"

- N. Michigan Ave

-- Submitted by Leigh

Trixie

Inspired lecturer: "To sum it up, teaching is not about the money. Teaching is about the love of spreading your knowledge to young people and making education exciting for everyone. I hope a few years from now, all of you will begin on your own teaching careers."

College girl: "I have a new back up plan and I can sum it up in two words: Trophy Wife."

- Roosevelt University

-- Submitted by Steph

Chicago: We're diverse.

Professor: "You all should appreciate the great city of Chicago. Appreciate that you go to school in such a good area. Back where I come from, some of the lower end areas of Chicago, those people don't go to Watertower. They don't go shopping up on Michigan Avenue. Oh no. Someone says 'Hello Ma'am, how are you, would you like to try some perfume?' and you say 'Yes, thank you.' Back home they say 'What the fuck is this? What you trying to spray on me?' Ya'll should be damn proud to come from a good part of Chicago."

- Columbia College

-- Submitted by Jesse

Nerds rule

Dork #1: "I'm not saying I'd want to die, but how cool would it be if King Kong came busting through that building, grabbed this L car and totally flung us like 100 feet into the river?"

Dork #2: "I'd die to see that."

(Coversation continued)

Dork #1: "If I won the lottery I think I'd buy a jet pack. Not the stupid real one, but a Boba Fett one. And the armor. And I'd become a bounty hunter."

Dork #2: "That wouldn't leave much money left."

Dork #1: "That's where the bounty hunting comes in."

- Brown Line

-- Submitted by Brett

She's already gone.

Mom #1: "She never shares."

Mom #2: "Neither does he. He just runs around with his balls and won't let anyone else have them."

Mom #1: "You realize what you just said, right?"

Mom #2: "Yup. And I don't care anymore."

- North Suburban Pre-school

-- Submitted by Shep

I'm more concerned with global warming.

Guy #1 (looking in backpack): "Jiminy Christmas! I forgot my lunch at home again. Damn it. You'll have to excuse my language but it's just that I told myself I wouldn't do this."

Guy #2: "Um. I'm more concerned with the fact that you just said Jiminy Christmas."

- Green Line

-- Submitted by Michael

It's not a micrope...uhm...forget it.

20 something: "No girl, you got to test men out before you date them. Mhm. "

Friend: "Are you for real? That seems so superficial."

20 something: "Baby listen to me. The one time I didn't test I found out the dude had micropenis. Test before you say yes."

- Red Line

-- Submitted by Steph

Are you planning a burglary?

Black Girl: "...But the cops won't see me!"

White girl: "True dat. You blend in but now we got lights! E-LEC-TRICITY Bitch! We see you!"

- Congress Theater

-- Submitted by Ayen

But not as bad as a fried catfish.

Girl: "Today has sucked. Completely and totally sucked. It's sucked worse than a catfish."

- Warren Township High School

-- Submitted by At

Why do girls have to look for that in everything?

Girl: "Do you ever wonder why certain words mean certain things?"

Guy: "If I do, I just look up their etymology."

Girl: "Yeah, but what if you want to find their true, deep meanings?"

Guy: "You mean like the word 'retard?'"

- North Park University

-- Submitted by Lo-Ki

That's a blanket statement

Guy: "All cats are gay. Completely gay."

- Loyola

-- Submitted by Eti

That's a blanket statement

Guy: "All cats are gay. Completely gay."

- Loyola

-- Submitted by Eti

See ya.

Bum: "Either you all are givin' me some change, or I'm going to jump into the lake. When I find Atlantis, you guys going to be crazy mad."

- Outside Sears Tower

-- Submitted by Raven

What's the new stupid?

Girl: "I'm on a hunger strike. Hunger strikes are the new annorexia"

Friend: "Oh, can we go yet?"

Girl: "Hold on a sec, my hunger strike is about to taste like hash browns."

- Rock N' Roll McDonalds

-- Submitted by Ayen

What's the new stupid?

Girl: "I'm on a hunger strike. Hunger strikes are the new annorexia"

Friend: "Oh, can we go yet?"

Girl: "Hold on a sec, my hunger strike is about to taste like hash browns."

- Rock N' Roll McDonalds

-- Submitted by Ayen

Knowledge is power

Woman: "My boss was being such a pain. And I'm like, I've taken THREE management courses. COURSES! Granted, I've never been in a management position."

- Wendys on Clark & Madison

-- Submitted by Tormented by the most boring conversation ever

THIS is why we have GPS navigation.

Old socialite: "Is this where the third floor lecture room is?"

Twenty-something secretary: "This is the second floor."

Old socialite: "Oh. So where is the third floor?"

- Loop Office

-- Submitted by BH

If it was a cheetah.....

Girl #1: "It's so cold out. A perfect day to roast Devin Hester."

Girl #2: "Stop calling the chicken Devin Hester!"

- Loyola

-- Submitted by Amused

If it was a cheetah.....

Girl #1: "It's so cold out. A perfect day to roast Devin Hester."

Girl #2: "Stop calling the chicken Devin Hester!"

- Loyola

-- Submitted by Amused

They don't sound as tasty as donuts.

Guy: (on cell) "Honey. It's cold. No, I took a light jacket, but it's flippin' freezing. Well, I've got to be out here for a while. Yeah. I'm cold. It's so cold I feel like my nuts fell off. I'd prefer to call them 'fro-nuts.'"

- Vernon Hills Athletic Complex

-- Submitted by Soccer Stud

Is this tax deductible?

Bum: "Hey there. Donate to the Johnny Walker research fund?"

- State and Wacker

- Submitted by Wished I'd had some money on me

Hey everyone,

Sorry about the irregular posting pattern the last couple of weeks. A lot of things going on that should be settled by Monday. Regular posts continue then.

Z

Hey everyone,

Sorry about the irregular posting pattern the last couple of weeks. A lot of things going on that should be settled by Monday. Regular posts continue then.

Z

Hope you like swimming.

Woman #1: "Let's go on vacation."

Woman #2: "Where do you want to go?"

Woman #1: "Hawaii. I can see it now."

Woman #2: "We can't afford to fly there."

Woman #1: "Can't we hitch-hike?"

- Chase Tower

-- Submitted by Raspberry

Or your brain right out of your head.

Girl: "We need a cleaning lady."

Guy: "No. You need a vacuum."

Girl: "Who would use it?"

Guy: "Uhm. You?"

Girl: "No way. Those things are scary. I've heard that vacuums can rip the skin right off of your body."

- Loyola

-- Submitted by Ramblin' Man

Start a union

Woman: (on cell) "No you aren't! What about insurance?! Online surveys don't carry group benefits!"

- Red Line

-- Submitted by Train Rider

Man logic

Woman: "Are you ever going to help me with the kids?"

Man: "I try to help as much as I can."

Woman: "But you don't do anything. When I ask for help, you always say you can't, or you'll do it later, or some other excuse."

Man: "But, honey, you don't understand. The more I help, the more I cause problems. I can get in the way. I can do something wrong. I can mess something up. The more I'd help, the more you'd need to clean up after me. By NOT helping, I'm actually doing more than you think."

- Glenview

-- Submitted by Torpedo

Coaches are awesome.

Coach: "This is the worst warmup I've ever seen!"

Player: "Come on, coach. We're tired. This is our fifth match."

Coach: "I don't care. Life is about perseverance. You have to push through and always dive at balls. If you don't consistently dive on everyone's balls, you'll never succeed."

- HS Volleyball tournament, North Burbs

-- Submitted by Poo

A giraffe's head is higher.

Girl: "Lets go home and get really high."

Boy: "That is all you we ever do. Is that the reason we are together?"

Girl: "Well..."

Boy: "I though so."

Girl: "What do I care? I am already higher than a giraffe's pussy."

- Berwyn Train Platform

-- Submitted by Victoria

Someone send this question to Tom Skilling!

Girl: "Oh my god! It's snowing!"

Guy: "Well, it's actually not because it's 76 degress out."

Girl: "Well, what's all this white stuff falling from the sky then, huh?"

Guy: "Um, it's raining, and that's fuckin' hail."

Girl: "If it's cold enough for hail then why can't it be snow?"

Guy: "BECAUSE IT'S 76 DEGRESS OUT!"

Girl: "Oh. Is that why it hurts when it hits you?"

- University Center

-- Submitted by Jessa Leigh

Good thing she was, uh, "kidding"

Father: (on cell) "Do you think she even knows me? She doesn't like when I hold her or try and feed her. No, I'm not upset. She's only a few weeks old, but it seems like she hates me. Are you sure I'm the father? She looks a lot like, Jeff. WHAT?! That's not funny. I had divorce papers all written up in my head already!"

- Green Line

-- Submitted by Keith

I hope it was in the fridge.

Guy #1: "What'd you bring?"

Guy #2: "Cold pizza and a coke. You?"

Guy #1: "Cottage cheese sandwich."

Guy #2: "Sounds awesome. Was that all that was left in the fridge?"

Guy #1: "No. There was ketchup. But ketchup doesn't go well with cottage cheese."

- UIC CCC

-- Submitted by Flame On

It depends what age group he's in.

Woman: "Well, I need a hair cut. I was thinking of cutting it really short just for fun, but my hair is so curly. And I'm pretty sure my boyfriend doesn't want to date Sophia from the Golden Girls."

- North and Clybourn

-- Submitted by April

So, that's a no?

Woman: (on cell) "She wants HOW MUCH?! Per week?! For that kind of money she needs to have that baby for me, make sure she poops cash, and better have the house encrusted in diamonds!"

- Red Line

-- Submitted by Donut Hole

Turn off the video games.

Crazy hobo: "How do you get out of kill mode? Can't somebody tell me how to get out of kill mode?!"

- Broadway and Sheridan

-- Submitted by JeffRob

Just do what everyone else does and go as the Burger King King

Guy #1: "So what are you going to the party dressed as?"

Guy #2: "I don't know. Nothing too crazy. I'm not big on dressing up."

Guy #1: "You want to do a tandem thing?"

Guy #2: "Like dress up in related costumes?"

Guy #1: "Yeah. We could figure something out and make it really funny."

Guy #2: "Yeah, no. Unless you're a hot chick and I'm having sex with you on a frequent basis, we're not going to the party as a couple. Besides, I don't even think that's legal in 36 states."

- DePaul

-- Submitted by Tia

Just because she cares

Girl: (on cell) "Yes, I'm going to class. No, I don't have a test. No, my teachers are fine. Yes, I'm on the bus. No, I didn't forget to do any of the work. Yes, I studied. Gross, mom. I'm not telling you about my sex life. Fine, Mom. Fine. Fifty guys. On Saturday. In the morning. At once. Well then don't ask!"

- UIC

-- Submitted by Gail

The first step is admitting you have a problem

Woman: (cell phone) "Well, I gotta go to church tomorrow. Yeah, I go to church! I work in a porn store and I have a drinking problem. Baby, I need Jesus."

- #36 Bus

-- Submitted by tiredmedstudent

Go Tom Sawyer!

Girl: "...yeah and he was almost EXACTLY like that guy Huckleberry Finn except I'd fuck him."

- Brown Line Station, Paulina

-- Submitted by Post-Grad Nothing

The dedicated vegan

Girl: "I'm cold."

Guy: "So get your coat."

Girl: "It's wool. I don't feel like using animal products anymore."

Guy: "Another awesome decision by you. And well thought out. Nice leather belt and shoes. And you ate bacon this morning. And I've seen you kill a ton of bugs."

Girl: "You can't just dive in with both feet. You have to start slow and progress."

- UIC

-- Submitted by Era

Looks like he needs to study more.

Girl: "So I told him, 'We are having the best sex ever.' And he was like 'Nice!' So I said 'No, really we're not, okay.'"

- University of Chicago

-- Submitted by Custard

I didn't know you had to reason with them.

LSAT taker: "Dude, I totally had this dream last night that I was taking the test and doing really well. And then I got to the pixie logic section and couldn't answer anything and the proctor was all like, 'SOMEONE DIDN'T STUDY THEIR PIXIE REASONING!'"

- Hyde Park LSAT Test Center

-- Submitted by The Pixie Games Were Worse

She must have been wearing all black.

Girl: (on cell) "If I have to go to one more birthday party this week, I'm going to flip out. It's worse than going to a string of funerals."

- Blue Line

-- Submitted by No Way

Then try a bowl. With milk.

Mom: "Sweetie? Do you want chicken or hot dogs for dinner?"

Little Girl: "I want cereal."

Mom: "No sweetie. Do you want chicken or hot dogs for dinner?"

Little Girl: "I want cereal."

Mom: "No. Chicken or hot dogs?"

Little Girl: "No! Cereal!"

Mom: "I CAN'T PUT CEREAL ON THE GRILL!"

- Buffalo Grove

-- Submitted by Steeno

Good call.

Girl #1: "Let's go get drunk."

Girl #2: "Before class?"

Girl #1: "Is there a better way to take a test?"

Girl #2: "Yeah. Prepared. Dumbass."

- Loyola

-- Submitted by Denise

You know what solves this? A laptop.

Guy: (on cell) "So where do you expect the computer desk to go? It can't go there! That's where the dog is going to sleep. No. That's the TV room. Because a computer doesn't go in a TV room. Then it's not a TV room. Fine. How about we just put it where you'd be living because we're not moving in together?"

- Metra Milwaukee District North

-- Submitted by Evan

Because of heat exhaustion

Spectator: "GO BIG MOMMA!"

Runner: "Somehow I don't think Big Daddy is getting action tonight."

- Marathon, South Side

-- Submitted by Finisher (congrats!)

Because of heat exhaustion

Spectator: "GO BIG MOMMA!"

Runner: "Somehow I don't think Big Daddy is getting action tonight."

- Marathon, South Side

-- Submitted by Finisher (congrats!)

No. That's big APPLE.

Twenty-something: "So I'm finally applying to grad school. Right now I'm looking at the east coast but I'm not sure I could handle New York City."

Friend: "Oh, don't even worry! New York is just Chicago with assholes. If you made it okay with a family like yours, you'll do just fine."

- Watertower Place

-- Submitted by April

She wasn't my..er..his sister!

Tween girl: "So have you ever kissed a girl?"

Boy: "No."

Tween girl: "OH my gosh! That's so cute! Well have you ever held a girl's hand?"

Boy: "Yeah."

Tween girl 2:"Yeah, probably his sister's."

- Union Station

-- Submitted by Maria

Sounds like a solid plan.

Guy: "I'm not going to bed tonight until I get an 8-ball. And then I'm not going to bed."

- #22 Bus

-- Submitted by 8-balls are fun and easy!

Someone needs to practice the art of suave

Girl: "I'm so excited. This is my first job."

Guy: "Awesome. Did you go to college?"

Girl: "Yeah. Just graduated."

Guy: "In?"

Girl: "I was a communications major with a minor in drama."

Guy: "For real? Or are you saying you're a drama queen?"

- Arlington Heights

-- Submitted by Dave

Yeah. No big deal.

Girl: (on cell) "...well, what do you feel like? Yeah. I felt that way once, too. I bet it's Hepatitis A. Or B. Or C. Either way, you should probably stay in bed and drink some soup."

- Green Line

-- Submitted by Imp

Must be a college thing

Hipster chick: "He what!? De-friending on facebook is the ultimate hell-no!"

- 8th street

-- Submitted by Ayen

They taste the same.

Girl #1: "What are you drinking?"

Girl #2: "Water, I think. Or vodka. I can never tell the difference."

- Loyola

-- Submitted by Angel

That's a spicy meat-a-ball!

Guy: (on cell) "I'm at Jewel, honey. Because I don't wanna go somewhere and spend 30 bucks on a plate of spaghetti!"

- Jewel-Osco, Montrose and Sheridan

-- Submitted by Jennifer

His frozen pals?

Guy: "YO! DUDESICLES!"

- UIC

-- Submitted by TJ

It depends who you call Santa

Small Child: "Daddy, when you're in college does Santa still bring you presents?"

- Baker's Square, Skokie

-- Submitted by Kim

A guy's brain.

Guy #1: "We're gonna be so late."

Guy #2: "I know a shortcut."

Guy #1: "A shortcut? How do you take a short cut walking between buildings?"

Guy #2: "Instead of going through, we're going around."

Guy #1: "That's going to take longer. The shortest distance, two points, straight line, you remember that jazz?"

Guy #2: "Damn it. The straight line doesn't have the hot chick with a huge rack that always sits on THAT side of the building!"

- UIC

-- Submitted by Carlos

BLONDE!

College Girl: "Did you know that only humans and dolphins have sex for fun? The others just do it for recreation."

- Red Line

-- Submitted by Anne

BLONDE!

College Girl: "Did you know that only humans and dolphins have sex for fun? The others just do it for recreation."

- Red Line

-- Submitted by Anne

Trying to dash someone's dreams?

Dad walking with daughter

Dad: (pointing to homeless guys) "Look! There are the other art majors."

- Columbia College

-- Submitted by Bea

Do they look like the mother or the father?

Girl #1: "I just don't understand how poop as big as a watermelon comes out of a kid that's 1."

Girl #2: "Maybe she saves it up all day?"

Girl #1: "No way. I haven't taken a dump in weeks and I can't produce that stuff. This girl goes into labor and delivers fecal babies."

- Macy's, downtown

-- Submitted by Ro

At least you don't drink and drive.

Guy: (on cell) "No, man. No drinking tonight. Or ever. Don't play stupid. 44 cuts and bruises later you know why. Yeah, but you guys dared me. I've jumped over the balcony on to a skateboard before. I had two beers in my hand. Lost my balance."

- Red Line

-- Submitted by Carol

Start bobbing in the lake. Maybe Mr. Right will come around and save you.

Trixie #1: "I do love him, but I'm not sure. I mean, he didn't even get me a decent gift for our one year anniversary. And he doesn't make that much money."

Trixie #2: "Well, money is important, but it's not everything. Maybe someday he'll make more."

Trixie #1: "But I really want a sailboat."

Trixie #2: "I know. If you can't afford your own boat, you'll just have to make friends with people who have boats."

Trixie #1: "I want it now!"

- Mambo Grill

-- Submitted by AnnoyedByBachelorettes

Must be a psych major

College Guy #1: "How'd you do?"

College Guy #2: "Awesome! I got a 71%!"

College Guy #1: "I wouldn't say a 71% is awesome, but it's good that you passed."

College Guy #2: "Whatever, bro. Degree eligible passing means I get a diploma. That diploma proves to my dad that I'm not as retarded as he says I am."

- Loyola University

-- Submitted by Ramblin' Man

Very carefully

New Mom: "...but, if you'll excuse me, I have to go freeze my milk."

Genius: "How do you do that while it's still in your breast?"

- Mt. Prospect

-- Submitted by Genevieve

They're at the zoo now?

Teen Girl: "Let's go to the Australia House! I want to see the emos!"

- Brookfield Zoo

-- Submitted by Anne Hedonia

I agree with the order.

Guy #1: "I'm going to quit."

Guy #2: "But you don't have another job yet."

Guy #1: "But I've been on five interviews. One of them will hit."

Guy #2: "And if it doesn't?"

Guy #1: "I'm just going to sell my wife. Then my kids. Then maybe the car."

Guy #2: "At least you have your priorities straight."

- Red Line

-- Submitted by Francisco

Ahhhh, high school

Dork #1: "You going to get Halo 3 tonight?"

Dork #2: "I'm going to wait in line right after school. I want to be the first one to get it."

Dork #1: "Totally. I want to get as many achievements as possible before I get to bed."

Dork #2: "Me too."

Guy: "Hey nerds. Are you guys seriously getting wood over a gamerscore? You do realize you can't trade those points for a girlfriend and a real life, right?"

- Niles West High School

-- Submitted by Elon

One track mind.

Student #1: "We getting drunk tonight?"

Student #2: "Nah. I'm hanging out with a new chick."

Student #1: "So let's all get drunk."

Student #2: "It's Wednesday and we're going to be studying."

Student #1: "That's fine. You can drink and study at the same time."

Student #2: "No. We have a test coming up. I have to do well."

Student #1: "What better way to relax than to get shitty?"

Student #2: "I don't know. How about studying the material, knowing it going in, and doing well on the test? That seems to be relaxing AND it gets me good grades."

Student #1: "But it doesn't taste as good."

- UIC CCC

-- Submitted by Al

Interesting course of action

Woman: (on cell) "Have you changed her? Fed her? Burped her? Is she tired? Gassy? Oh, wait, John. Has she tried to eat your nose? That always seems to work."

- Metra Milwaukee District North

-- Submitted by Rider

Ghost phone theory

(Cell phone rings)

Guy #1: "You know. I haven't had a cell phone in almost three years, but every time one rings, I have to see if it's mine."

Guy #2: "Does it happen with certain rings?"

Guy #1: "No. It happens with any ring. I don't remember what mine was, so I always check my pockets to see if it's in there. Hiding. Taunting me. Ready to strike."

- Blue Line

-- Submitted by Jenny

I'd be more impressed if she turned meat into cash.

Girl: "It's still boggles my mind that I can turn meat into milk."

Guy: "It's like you're a breast feeding Jesus."

- Skokie

-- Submitted by Rena

That's called death, sweetie.

Girl: (on cell) "Does your brain ever shut the hell up?"

- Grant Park

-- Submitted by Queenie

Unless he wanted to make them cluck like chickens.

Guy #1: "...and I kept searching but I couldn't find the course."

Guy #2: "There's no course for hypnosis, dude. And even if there was, it's not like it would make you any better with women."

- Red Line

-- Submitted by Loopy Larry

Must suck to be e-cool

College Girl: "That's the girl who added me on Facebook, but won't say hi to me in real life."

- Columbia College Elevator

-- Submitted by Alexandria

Touche, sir.

Guy #1: "I can't wait for the new season of shows to start."

Guy #2: "Totally. That's when all the loser like you leave all the hot chicks to studs like me."

Guy #1: "Studs who can't talk about new shows!"

- DePaul

-- Submitted by Clyde

Everyone copes in their own way.

Older Woman: (on cell) "I'm not going to the wake unless I can pick the music they're going to play. None of that creepy Jesus stuff. I want something that'll wake up the dead."

- Green Line

-- Submitted by High Roller

Dirty mind

Girl: (on cell) "Hey Robbie. What do you need help with? They're stuck where? Well pull them out. They can't be stuck that bad. How did you get them in their? No it's not funny. They're probably going to be a mess when you get them out of that thing. I'm not coming over to help you, I have to get to class. Pull them out and I'll check on them later. Bye."

Girl: (to friend) "That was Robbie. He put his geckos in the orange juice container and now they won't come out. He's such a dipshit."

- Blue Line

-- Submitted by Leonid

Only if you don't understand the piece.

Girl: "Do you think it's better to be an artist or a musician?"

Guy: "Technically, those are both artists."

Girl: "Yeah, but one you listen to and the other you mock."

- Art Institute

-- Submitted by ZillaG

The intelligence of the student

Guy #1: "...and I just got my credit card bill. I have no idea how I'm going to pay it."

Guy #2: "If you don't know how to pay it, then just pay a little bit. Finance charges will KILL you."

Guy #1: "I can't even afford the minimum."

Guy #2: "Then why'd you charge all that stuff to the card?"

Guy #1: "I just figured I could pay it with a different card. Just have it keep going back and forth. Balance transfers and stuff."

Guy #2: "And?"

Guy #1: "My parents wouldn't help me get a second card."

- UIC CCC

-- Submitted by Clambake

These guys must be married.

College Guy #1: "Does she talk?"

College Guy #2: "What do you mean does she talk? Of course she talks."

College Guy #1: "Oh, well I was just wondering cause I've never heard her talk before. I thought maybe she was mute."

College Guy #2: "Oh, no. She talks."

College Guy #1: "That would be pretty cool if she was mute though, wouldn't it?"

College Guy #2: "Yeah. That would be pretty fucking awesome."

- Red Line

-- Submitted by Nah Nah

She doesn't close out the show

College girl: "I'm a music major studying voice."

Girl #2: "Oh, so you sing! Do you want to be on Broadway?"

Girl #1: "No, I study classical singing. I want to be a professional opera singer."

Girl #1: "Oh. So, why aren't you fat?"

- University Center on State St.

-- Submitted by Alexis

Compassion for your fellow man

Girl: "I don't care if you have cancer or not! I'll still kick your ass!"

- Cinemark Movie Theater, Evanston

-- Submitted by Skeeech

Happy Jew Year!

Because of the Jewish Holiday, Posts will be back Monday.

Z

It's a vicious cycle.

Girl: "So she called and wanted to know why you were so pissy."

Guy: "Did you tell her why?"

Girl: "I don't know why."

Guy: "Good. Great. Now you know why I'm in such a bad mood."

Girl: "Because I don't know why you're in a bad mood."

Guy: "Do you see the circle of anger you create?"

- Loyola

-- Submitted by Ramblin' Man

They must be bees.

Girl: (on cell) "...and my nipples stung too."

- 1300 block of N. Cleaver

-- Submitted by Andy (Check out Andy's radio show)

The Hancock it is.

Old Woman 1: (confused) "Wait, which building is it?"

Old Woman 2: (yelling) "The one that looks like a vagina!!"


- Millenium Park

-- Submitted by Rachel

Hooray for brains!

Girl #1: "Did you hear what Sarah Silverman said about her kids? How can you call them mistakes?"

Girl #2: "She wasn't calling the kids mistakes, idiot. She was saying Britney treats them like mistakes. Why can't you think instead of just taking for something at face value."

Girl #1: "I just don't think Britney should be made into example. I mean, she's under a lot of pressure."

Girl #2: "A lot of pressure? The only pressure that girl feels is the pressure her weight puts on her knees. She's a perfect example of the most fucked up, white-trash parent out there. Instead of going clubbing 5 days a week, maybe she should spend time with her kids. Sorry. Spend time with her kids and NOT using them as coasters and ashtrays."

- UIC

-- Submitted by Michelle

Almost as good as Britney.

Woman: (on cell) "I would talk longer, but I got to go home with my daughter and watch Ellen. We watch every day. My day ain't complete without Ellen. She has a lot of rhythm for a white girl."

- Red Line

-- Submitted by Alex

I hear they're doing amazing thing with teleportation devices.

Disgruntled girl: "Damn! I was complaining about bus cuts but maybe we can cross the damn street!"

Friend: "How would we get to work?"

- In front of Water Tower Place

-- Submitted by JJ

Math shmath

Bears Fan #1: "There's only one thing I can't stand more than a Bears loss."

Bears Fan #2: "What's that?"

Bears Fan #1: "Women. And Children."

Bears Fan #2: "That's two things."

Bears Fan #1: "SHUT UP!"

- ESPN Zone

-- Submitted by Kyle

Someone call Miss Teen South Carolina! QUICKLY!

Girl #1: "I just moved here from Providence."

Girl #2: "Oh? Where's that?"

Girl #1: "In Rhode Island."

Girl #2: "Oh, in New York?"

Girl #1: "No, Rhode Island."

Girl #2: "Aw, right, like near Manhattan."

Girl #1: "No, the state. Rhode Island."

Girl #2: "Oh yeah! That's real small isn't it? It's up by Maine? I'm picturing my US Map."

- E 53rd and Blackstone

-- Submitted by AR

For safety or tips?

Police Officer: "It's just great in here! You can just sit and eat whatever! I could spend all day in here!"

Barista: "We could definitely use you in the morning."

- Belmont and Clark Starbucks

-- Submitted by maitri

In trouble? More like, in her pants.

Drunk, Middle-Aged Guy#1: "That girl in the white pants. Right there. No underwear. She definitely isn't wearing any underwear."

Drunk, Middle-Aged Guy#2: "Oh man. If that was me, we would be in trouble!"

- Near Wrigley Field

-- Submitted by Ewwww

Cracker Barrel is everywhere.

Man: "There are no Cracker Barrels around here! There is no Cracker Barrel!"

Child: "Why should I believe you? You've been lying to me all day."

- Ikea, Schaumburg

-- Submitted by Sick of Ikea

It's right near the new Wacama

Girl (cell): "Oh you know what, I bet I know where you could get that: Appalachia."

- Broadway

-- Submitted by Amanda

Matchmaker, matchmaker, make me a match!

Homeless Guy: "What do you want to be when you grow up? Hey you, what are you gonna be?"

Guy: "A lawyer."

Homeless dude: "What about you?"

Girl: "Rich!"

Homeless dude: "Sally, meet Harry. He gonna be a lawyer and you gonna be rich. A match made in heaven if I ever saw one."

- Red Line, 2 AM

-- Submitted by Maria

Well la-de-da, Princess Cleanytown.

Woman: (on cell) "I don't understand why he doesn't like me. He likes that dirty girl from target. At least I shower."

- Diversey and Clark

-- Submitted by DM

Who needs sweatshops?

Girl: "Guess what, guys? She's only 50% psychotic. So that means if we get her working on an assembly line and doing an 8 ball, we'll be good-to-go!"

- Water Tower Place

-- Submitted by Greeny

The sad part: He wasn't really drunk.

Drunk Bears Fan: "Look at those Velociraptors trying to bone each other!"

- Outside the Field Museum

-- Submitted by Marie

Hope you all had a good holiday. Don't forget to check out the store!

Chivalry is dead

Guy #1: "She's like 24 and he's like 36."

Guy #2: "Dude, he's going to be dead in about 20 years, then what is she going to do?"

Guy #1: "I'm not gonna date her."

- Brown Line

-- Submitted by CDM

You have to be a Thetan Level 900?

Guy#1: "Be careful. It's a high security area."

Guy #2: "They got laser beams in there."

Guy #1: "You got to be Tom Cruise to get in there."

- Northwestern University

-- Submitted by Ivan

Not me. He made me for the ladies.

Woman: "They can't stop you from smoking outside. It's a free country. That's what God made you for."

- South Loop, Wabash

-- Submitted by Christine

Or, you know, a BAR.

Frat Boy #1: "I have to stop drinking at Hooters. It is like ten bucks a drink there."

Frat Boy #2: "Ya, you should probably try Bennignas instead."

- Red Line

-- Submitted by 10 With A Mop

I notice no mention of the Geico Cavemen

Girl: "If that stupid gecko were here, I would punch him in the face and yell 'where's your Geico NOW, bitch!' And then I'd laugh at him and his broken teeth."

Guy: "I don't think gecko's have teeth."

Girl: "That's not the god damn point!"

-

I notice no mention of the Geico Cavemen

Girl: "If that stupid gecko were here, I would punch him in the face and yell 'where's your Geico NOW, bitch!' And then I'd laugh at him and his broken teeth."

Guy: "I don't think gecko's have teeth."

Girl: "That's not the god damn point!"

- UIC

-- Submitted by Jeff

Say 'ello to mah li'l drunk fren.

Guy watching "Batman" being filmed: "Look! Batman!"

Drunk girl: "Let's go! Batman ain't gonna put money in yo' pocket! Batman ain't gonna feed yo' ass!"

Guy: Just hold on a minute."

Drunk girl: "You wanna fuck wid me? You fuck wid me, you fuck wid the ghetto!"

- Wacker Drive

-- Submitted by Anna

Yes. With music.

Guy: "What is this music?! Are they trying to drug us?"

- Red/Orange line tunnel, Roosevelt

-- Submitted by Absolut Law

Gross.

Woman: (on cell) "She's two! There's no reason the term taco should come out of his mouth!"

- Metra

Gross.

Woman: (on cell) "She's two! There's no reason the term taco should come out of his mouth!"

- Metra South Shore

-- Submitted by Carly

Gross.

Woman: (on cell) "She's two! There's no reason the term taco should come out of his mouth!"

- Metra South Shore

-- Submitted by Carly

If it's 2003, then yes. Yes, he does.

Girlfriend: "I've been so stressed out lately and you're not helping any. My hair is falling out like crazy."

Boyfriend: "Babe, don't worry. You're fine."

Girlfriend: (snapping) "I'm NOT fine! Pretty soon I'm going to look like Britney Spears. IS THAT WHAT YOU WANT?"

- H&M on State

-- Submitted by April

You might not need them if you stopped calling girls 'Dude."

Girl: "So why is it that you think that your prayer beads are lucky?"

Guy: "Dude, I meet MODELS when I wear them!"

- China Town

-- Submitted by SuperNova

That's not a seatbelt.

Flight Attendent: "Welcome to Chicago. Please do not remove your seatbelts until we have reached the gate."

(a minute later)

Flight Attendent: "As I just STATED, do NOT remove your seatbelts until we reach the gate.... 4D! Get that back on right now! I can see it danglin' in the aisle!"

- US Airway Flight landing in Chicago

-- Submitted by Brian

Mom's always know what to say.

Little Boy: "Mommy, I'm bored."

Mom: "Sweetie, we have to wait for the rain to stop so we can go visit gram."

Little Boy: "Why can't we just go on the plane now?"

Mom: "Because if we get on the plane and all the wind and rain are still there, the plane will have an accident and we'll get boo-boo's."

- Midway Airport

-- Submitted by Diego

Rain is definitely romantic. Grar!

Guy: (on cell) "Look. I've been sitting here for about 5 hours waiting for my plane. I could have been downtown, in a bar, drinking and picking up girls. Yeah, I'm pissed. I could have been with, like, 300 girls by now!"

- O'Hare

-- Submitted by Flyboy

Won't listen either.

Drunk Girl: "No... No... Listen. What we'll do is, I'll walk home with you. And I won't talk AT ALL."

Guy: "No. Not going to happen."

Drunk Girl: "Come on. Let's just walk."

Guy: "IT'S OVER!"

- Lincoln Park

-- Submitted by B

Those'll do.

Guy #1: "I texted her back and said I was sorry, that my friend took my phone, and he's a jackass."

Guy #2: "Why do you still have any of your ex-girlfriends' numbers in your phone anyway?"

Guy #1: "So if they call, I know not to answer."

Guy #2: "You should give them each an alias so that doesn't happen again."

Guy #1: "What you mean like 'Cubs Game' or 'Huge Mistake?'"

- Brown Line

-- Submitted by PhantomK

Have you seen Oobi?

Girl: "Well I just found the last sign of the coming apocalypse."

Guy: "What's that?"

Girl: (pointing to display) "A High School Musical bedsheets and comforter set."

- Walmart, North Avenue

-- Submitted by Afraid of the Future

Have you seen Oobi?

Girl: "Well I just found the last sign of the coming apocalypse."

Guy: "What's that?"

Girl: (pointing to display) "A High School Musical bedsheets and comforter set."

- Walmart, North Avenue

-- Submitted by Afraid of the Future

What could be better than bio-degradable rubber?

Girl: (on cell) "I don't want eco-friendly condoms! I want condoms that work!"

- Whole Foods, Roscoe Village

-- Submitted by Jeanne

She's going to anger The Oprah!

Literate Lady: "Now, I love Oprah. LOVE Oprah. Oprah is my girl. But that magazine of hers? Uh huh. It's got too much shit in it."

- 81 Lawrence, Eastbound

-- Submitted by Spinner

Bitch.

Girl: (on cell) "We're getting a divorce, Joan. It's not that I don't love him. No. I like him, too. Because the other guys I was sleeping with were just so much more satisfying. Five of them. Two of them know each other. No, because it was at the same time. We'll chat about it over coffee today."

- Blue Line

-- Submitted by Rider

Shot down.

Guy: "What'll it take to get your number?"

Girl: "Telepathy."

- Piano Bar

-- Submitted by Drinky

America: Becoming monosylabbic one idiot at a time.

Girl: (on cell) "It was horrible! I was bleeding profusely! There was blood everywhere! And...Profuse. That means without ceasing. Ugh! Jessica, cease means stop! I know! I just didn't think profuse was a big word! I'm sorry!"

-hangs up-

Girl: "That's what you get for watching The Hills all the motherfucking time."

- Red Line

-- Submitted by Samantha

It's not the meat, it's the dander. And it cooks off.

Guy: "So, I hope you're not allergic to anything."

Girl: "Not food. Just cats."

Guy: "Well this IS Thai food."

- Cozy Noodle, Evanston

-- Submitted by Asian Guy Sitting Next To Them

It's not the clothes that make the man.

Bus Rider: (on cell) "Here is the deal: Dad's gonna want you to make an appearance at this party tonight. But listen. Wear a suit and leave the dress at home! He's not ready for the world to know his only son is a queen."

- Oak Park Bus Stop

-- Submitted by Gabi

40? It takes me like, a million.

Guy #1: "Dude. I'm so wasted."

Guy #2: "It's six o'clock."

Guy #1: "I know. I've done like 40 shots already."

Guy #2: "We got here ten minutes ago. And 40 shots in ten minutes would probably kill the average man."

Guy #1: "That should tell you how blitzed I am."

- Northern Illinois

-- Submitted by Newbie

Forget football. Debate is where it's at.

Guy #1: "We are going to ROCK debate this year."

Guy #2: "Hell, yeah we are. It's going to be an ad hominem attack year. SENIORS! SENIORS!"

- Oak Park River Forest High School

-- Submitted by Ragu

Too practical.

Guy: "Did you guys get the water tester for baby baths?"

Girl: "Yeah."

Guy: "Isn't that the best invention ever? You stick it in the water for a second and it tells you whether the water is too hot or just right for baby's bath!"

Girl: "We threw ours away."

Guy: "What?!?"

Girl: "I have a better invention that does the same job. It's called my finger."

- Blue Line

-- Submitted by Maria

Killing is bad, mmkay.

Guy #1: (on cell) "Yeah, dipshit. Mr. Mackey is a great voice to use when discussing a murder-suicide. "

- Green Line

-- Submitted by Javy

And drugs, right? Right?!

Frat boy 1: "Man, this is seriously JUST what it must've been like during Woodstock."

Frat boy 2: "Yeah, but this time it's without all the dirty hippies."

- Lollapalooza

-- Submitted by Stacy

It would be dolf.

Guy #1: "I'm bored. Let's go play some frisbee golf."

Guy #2: "It's called disc golf. Frisbee is a company."

Guy #1: "Who cares? Besides, if you call it disc golf, than you can't shorten it to 'frolf.'"

- Loyola

-- Submitted by Ramblin' Man

Shocking. Usually it's fun. Wait. What?

Girl: (on cell) "Playing with dead babies and fetuses was not as fun as I had originally foreseen it."

- UIC Campus

-- Submitted by Donuts

Easily confusable since they look alike.

Girl: (on cell) "I'm in a taxi. I mean I'm on the train."

- Red Line

-- Submitted by Ivan

That way she can't yell at you.

Guy #1: "I got this girl's number on the bus the other day, called her up. I was tryin' to thinkuva a way to say, 'I'd eat your pussy for an hour if you came over.'"

Guy #2: "Text her."

- Red Line

-- Submitted by Priceless

That way she can't yell at you.

Guy #1: "I got this girl's number on the bus the other day, called her up. I was tryin' to thinkuva a way to say, 'I'd eat your pussy for an hour if you came over.'"

Guy #2: "Text her."

- Red Line

-- Submitted by Priceless

30 times a day? Can I marry her?

Trixie: (on cell "OK, look. First off this guy is GOING to marry you. I don't care if you sleep with him 30 times a day or not. You're the hottest thing he's gonna get."

- Barnes and Noble Cafe, Michigan Ave.

-- Submitted by I Just Wanted Some Sugar For My Coffee

I'm mailing this one in.

Lesbian: "Can we go to the post office and fuck?"

- Broadway

-- Submitted by Uptown Spy

They're the new cat.

(Man tries to pet dog)

Woman: "You probably shouldn't do that. She bites."

Man: "I'm sure I'll be fine. I'm used to wolves."

- Halsted and Buckingham

-- Submitted by Cassie

Nyse werc.

Drunk guy: "These guys couldn't spell 'cat' if you spotted them the 'k' and the 't!'"

- Purple Line

-- Submitted by Matt

You should have planned ahead.

Guy #1: "...so can you help me?"

Guy #2: "Yeah. But what do we have to do?"

Guy #1: "We just need to build the whole room. I have to get the cabinets and tops and everything."

Guy #2: "You should get those things first, then I'll help."

Guy #1: "I don't know what I'm doing. I just wanted to break everything. The sledge hammering part was easy. Now? Now I'm lost."

- Cafe Sushi on Wells

-- Submitted by Willie

How about we start with "a human?"

Flamboyant man to goth woman with purple hair: "Are you a feminist?"

- Metra North

-- Submitted by Robin

Could someone please annihilate young America?

Tween girl: "Do you think they get the Disney Channel in India? Because I couldn't live somewhere that didn't show Hannah Montana."

- Broadway and Webster

-- Submitted by Annoyed at Youth

That won't get her publicity.

Girl 1: "On the radio this morning, they said that Angeline Jolie is in town for the next couple weeks."

Girl 2: "Seriously? That's so cool. I wonder if she wants to adopt a nice 18 year old. If so, I'm free."

- Lakeview Bus Stop

-- Submitted by Maria

So you didn't like Batman Begins?

Guy #1: "...and all the filming made getting to work nearly impossible. I'm bat-pissed off."

Guy #2: "It wasn't too bad and they weren't really doing anything during rush hour. I didn't have any problems."

Guy #1: "That's bat-crap. It was bat-awful. If they keep it up, I'm going to punch their bat-faces with my bat-fists. That'll bat-teach 'em."

- Wacker and Wabash

-- Submitted by Frankie

Yup. A lobotomy.

Guy #1: "I think I'm devoid of feelings. Like, completely stunted."

Guy #2: "How do you figure? I've seen you laugh and stuff."

Guy #1: "But they aren't real, guttural laughs. They're more, I don't know, fake."

Guy #2: "So you don't have any emotions?"

Guy #1: "No. Like, my aunt dies, and I don't care. My girlfriend breaks up with me, I don't feel anything. I get a new job, nothing. It's like someone reached into my brain and took that part out of me."

Guy #2: "Like a lobotomy?"

Guy #1: "No. Into my brain."

- Panera, Old Orchard

-- Submitted by Sandwich

It makes the Middle East look like a cake walk.

Girl: (on cell) "No, this was a crisis of epic proportion. He kept talking about salsa and I kept talking about merengue. If we can't choose which one we're going to do, we may have to break the whole thing off."

- Michigan Ave.

-- Submitted by The Walker

She's selfish.

Guy: (on cell) "I think she should do porn, but she's vehemently against it. We could definitely use the money."

- Red Line

-- Submitted by Carlos

Then it wouldn't need to be too big.

Guy: (on cell) "I just need a carnivourous plant. No, bigger than that. Like in 'Little Shop of Horrors.' Right, except instead of eating everyone, it just ate assholes."

- Blue Line

-- Submitted by Cindy

Who wants a steak and peanut butter smoothie?

Girl #1: "If I was going to give someone all the food in my fridge that I didnt want to have it, I would put all the food in a blender and give it to them in a big thermos."

Girl #2: "Yeah, but you'd have to have them sign something, because they could easily just go back on it and then you would have just blended all the food in your fridge."

- Downtown

-- Submitted by Listening

How crude!

Girl: "...the only problem is that it didn't have a dick!"

Guy: "You know I don't approve of such language. I would definitely prefer if you called it a johnson or a shmeckel."

- UIC Campus

-- Submitted by Sparky

Tough call.

(Wheelchair Guy is blocking a couple of the handicapped seats.)

Elderly Woman: "Driver, that's not fair! These seats are being blocked! I'm 80! We should get them."

Guy in Wheelchair: "Yeah and I'm a paraplegic and and war veteran. Your legs work fine. Who trumps who?"

- 92 Foster Bus

-- Submitted by Kat

Posting makes the, uh, mosting.

Suit: (on cell) "Yeah. Uh huh. Right. No, I agree. I thought Lawrence was on that one. Yeah. Right. I completely agree and I think the thing to keep in mind is that teamwork makes the dream work"

- Red Line, Thorndale

-- Submitted by Chris Couch

The old "I don't remember talkinga bout that" routine.

Girl: (on cell) "Within five or ten minutes of our sort of pseudo first date, we realized that at least 3 of our conversation topics, which I had brought up mind you, we had spoken about in depth when we first met, I had blacked out them all. I had to apologize for being such a drunk."

- Ashland and Grand

-- Submitted by Just Waiting For The Bus

Sounds dangerous.

Man: "I'm not gonna go as crazy tomorrow as I did today;I'm gonna go twice as crazy!"

- Red Line

-- Submitted by Nah Nah

IT'S A GIRL!

Sorry about the lack of posting today, but we were in the middle of having our second daughter. At 1:06, we had another little girl! YAY!

Woman: Making life easier, one man at a time.

Woman: "I'm hungry."

Man: "Then eat something."

Woman: "I don't feel like eating."

Man: "So don't eat."

Woman: "But I'm hungry!"

Man: "What the hell do you want me to do? Get you a feeding tube? Do you now want to eat or are you just too damn lazy to chew?!"

- Randolph and Clark

-- Submitted by Jeannie

The kid is going to be quite the negotiator.

Mom: "If you behave at the restaurant, than you get a treat when we get home."

Kid: "Ice cream?"

Mom: "No."

Kid: "Popsicle?"

Mom: "No."

Kid: "Then I'm not behaving."

- Catch 35

- Submitted by Waiter

Try your spam folder.

Guy: "My doctor said I can't get it because I don't need it, but I really feel like it would help. I'm pretty sure Viagra would work, I just don't know where to get it now."

- Midway Airport

-- Submitted by 22

You may get fired first.

Guy #1: "I just need to figure out a way to quit."

Guy #2: "How about going to your boss's office and telling him, 'I'm quitting' or 'I'm giving notice?'

Guy #1: "No. That wouldn't be good."

Guy #2: "But it would be right."

Guy #1: "I'd rather get on the PA and say something like, 'This is John. This job can go to hell. Suck my balls. That is all.'"

- Michigan Ave.

-- Submitted by Laird

I hate trick questions.

Guy: "Want to go fuck in the park?"

Girl: "No."

Guy: "Oh, you're repressed."

Girl: "You can't shame me into having sex with you in the park."

Guy: "That's okay, I just thought you were fun, and it turns out you're not."

Girl: "That only works on insecure girls. Do I look insecure to you?"

- Oz Park

-- Submitted by Two Steps Behind

I hate trick questions.

Guy: "Want to go fuck in the park?"

Girl: "No."

Guy: "Oh, you're repressed."

Girl: "You can't shame me into having sex with you in the park."

Guy: "That's okay, I just thought you were fun, and it turns out you're not."

Girl: "That only works on insecure girls. Do I look insecure to you?"

- Oz Park

-- Submitted by Two Steps Behind

Sounds delish.

Girl: (on cell) "...so I told him that green beans can go in casseroles or soups, but definitely not cookies."

- Red Line

-- Submitted by Gio

Sounds messy.

Guy #1: "So are you playing fantasy football this year or not?"

Guy #2: "The only football fantasy I have involves me, three cheerleaders, some whip cream, chocolate, and a slide."

- Lincoln Park

-- Submitted by Alfalfa

It's the truth.

Man: "Excuse me. When does the train arrive?"

Smartass: "When you see it coming down the track."

- Howard Street Platform

-- Submitted by Randy C.

That doesn't sound fun.

Man: "There's definitely a couple things you should do down there. Parasailing, parachuting, para..."

Woman: "If you say paralyzing, I'm going to freak out."

- Grant Park

-- Submitted by Kevin

Someone can't take a hint.

Guy: "So can I get your number?"

Girl: "No."

Guy: "Can I at least get your name?"

Girl: "No."

Guy: "Well, can I meet you here again?"

Girl: "Sure."

Guy: "When?"

Girl: "How does never sound?"

- Excalibur

-- Submitted by Dancin' Fool

Thanks, BP.

Woman: "But the beaches around LA are pretty aren't they?"

Guy: "God, no! I'd rather swim in Lake Michigan with my mouth open than go to an LA beach!"

- Lincoln Park hair salon

-- Submitted by apeface

Thanks, BP.

Woman: "But the beaches around LA are pretty aren't they?"

Guy: "God, no! I'd rather swim in Lake Michigan with my mouth open than go to an LA beach!"

- Lincoln Park hair salon

-- Submitted by apeface

The First Amendment doesn't cover laziness.

Office Guy #1: "...They can't make me clean it. My desk is the way I like it and I'm not changing it."

Office Guy #2: "What's the big deal? You put some papers in folders, put your trinkets on one shelf, and actually see the desktop."

Office Guy #1: "My desk status is covered by the First Amendment. It's a personal expression of art which displays my frustration with the daily rat race as well as my passion for what I do. I'm going to make a stand!"

- CNA Building

-- Submitted by Han

That's the highest kind of cool, right?

Little British Boy: "Dad, I feel so cool when I'm in America."

British Dad: "Do you know, lad?"

Little Britsh Boy: "Yeah, cool as in like, a dude."

- O'hare International Terminal

-- Submitted by Made My Day

Overheard at the Cat Convention

Girl #1:"I wonder where Christy's been the past few days."

Girl #2:"The bitch convention."

Girl #1:"She's probably the keynote speaker."

- In the City

-- Submitted by Christy is such a bitch

So much for charitable donations.

Bum: "Can I please have money for some food mister?"

Guy: "Uh. You're just going to buy booze with it."

Bum: "No sir, I just want a hotdog. I'm hungry and need money to buy a hotdog."

Guy: "Here, but if you come out with anything besides a hot dog, I'm going to beat the crap outta you!"

- 7-11 by Univesrity Center

-- Submitted by Scrawny Guy's Friend

Sage advice.

Girl: "...and I'm just so worried about saying the wrong thing, I'm getting sick in my stomach."

Guy: "Don't worry about your stomach ailment, worry about not being such an uppity bitch. Do that, and you'll be fine."

- O'hare Airport

-- Submitted by Claude

Optional, unless you're going commando.

Girl: "So you're meeting him next week?"

Guy: "Yeah. At 12:30."

Girl: "You know, you don't have to dress up him for him."

Guy: "Dress up? He's lucky I'm considering pants."

- Green Line

-- Submitted by Leper

Optional, unless you're going commando.

Girl: "So you're meeting him next week?"

Guy: "Yeah. At 12:30."

Girl: "You know, you don't have to dress up for him."

Guy: "Dress up? He's lucky that I'm considering pants."

- Green Line

-- Submitted by Leper

White people: We aren't always "hip."

Exec: "So, Snoop Doggy Dogg. He is a rapper?"

Office drone: "Uh, yeah. But I think he might have changed his name to just Snoop Dogg."

Exec: "Ah, yes. Like that P Dad man. Now he is what, 50 cents?"

Office drone: "P Diddy. And he's not the same guy as 50 Cent. It's Cent, by the way, no 's.'"

Exec: "Oh. Half dollar then?"

Office drone: "No, no. 50 Cent."

Exec: "Yes, half a dollar. And what is this, Cayenne West? "

Office drone: "I think so. Like the Porsche."

Receptionist: "Uh, excuse me. That's Kanye. His gold diggers like Porsches though."

- Fancy Loop Office (La Dee Daaa)

-- Submitted by Miss Risky

White people: We aren't always "hip."

Exec: "So, Snoop Doggy Dogg. He is a rapper?"

Office drone: "Uh, yeah. But I think he might have changed his name to just Snoop Dogg."

Exec: "Ah, yes. Like that P Dad man. Now he is what, 50 cents?"

Office drone: "P Diddy. And he's not the same guy as 50 Cent. It's Cent, by the way, no 's.'"

Exec: "Oh. Half dollar then?"

Office drone: "No, no. 50 Cent."

Exec: "Yes, half a dollar. And what is this, Cayenne West? "

Office drone: "I think so. Like the Porsche."

Receptionist: "Uh, excuse me. That's Kanye. His gold diggers like Porsches though."

- Fancy Loop Office (La Dee Daaa)

-- Submitted by Miss Risky

That's not the body part you should be worrying about.

Girl: "Sometimes I just like rediscovering my hands. Like, 'Hey, there, fingers! How are you doing today!' and they're all like, 'We're still here, Liz. Just doin' our thing.'"

Guy: "Uh. Yeah. Are you for real?"

Girl: "Yeah. It's like, sometimes, I just forget that they're there. Like, oh my god! I have hands! I swear it's like half the time, I don't have hands."

- Loyola Campus

-- Submitted by Ramblin' Man

You're Al-Qaeding me!

Guy: (on cell) "That's Talibananas crazy!"

- Purple Line

-- Submitted by Reno

It's still better than "know what I'm saying."

Girl: (on cell) "Hey, I'm on the train. I mean, I need to go get my car. I mean, I need to change clothes anyway. I mean, how long do you plan on staying there tonight? I mean, I don't want to get stuck there. I mean, I still need to pack tonight so I need to know what you're doing. I just want to know what the plan is, you know what I mean?"

- Red Line

-- Submitted by Have No Idea What She Meant

Sounds like you had a stellar time.

Guy: "...and if there is one thing I learned from the entire trip, it's that birds are absolutely retarded."

- O'Hare Airport

-- Submitted by Frequent Flier

We don't want them to get cranky.

Woman waiting for the elevator: "Excuse me. Is there something wrong with the elevators? They're not coming."

Security Guard: "They 80 years old. They tired. They go up there 'n take a nap."

- Civic Opera Building

-- Submitted by Patiently Waiting

That'll screw up his accounting.

Homeless Guy: "I'm selling candy bars for a dollar! You want a candy bar, miss? It's only a dollar. Only a dollar. Buy a candy bar come on. Only a dollar. Buy a candy bar."

Girl: "Oh my god. How about I just GIVE you a dollar to leave me alone?!"

- Boystown

-- Submitted by April

That's very not very decisive.

Guy #1: "So is it doable?"

Guy #2: "If by doable you mean not doable, then yes. It's doable."

- Loop Office

-- Submitted by Sheep

Someone is paranoid.

Guy: (on cell) "Is she back at work today or is she still out sick? In the office with you? Is she healthy? She better be. No. If the baby comes out retarded or something because you caught her cold, I'm holder her responsible."

- Purple Line

-- Submitted by Gumby

Opressor.

Guy: "I'm so not emo!"

Girl: "Whenever you get angry, you're so emo!"

Guy: "No one calls me emo."

Girl: "EVERYONE calls you emo-boy behind your back."

- Pitchfork Music Festival

-- Submitted by Mark

Yowzas.

Woman: (on cell) "...MY GOD she makes me so MAD! I'm going to strangle her face!"

- Metra Milwaukee District North

-- Submitted by Misty

Sounds cute.

Guy #1: "I'm going to finish the White Sox bullpen myself."

Guy #2: "Too late. They're already done."

Guy #1: "Why can't they hold a lead? How many runs does the offense have to score? 60? 70? HOLD A DAMN LEAD ASSHOLES!"

Guy #2: "With this bullpen, it may not be enough. We might just have to make every time forfeit."

Guy #1: "Through tickling."

- Buffalo Wild Wings, Lincoln Ave.

-- Submitted by Tom

So why aren't they beautiful when produced by males?

Girl: "Stars are so beautiful."

Guy: "For big flaming balls of gas, I guess."

- Millenium Park

-- Submitted by Queenee

Yeah. It's that new place, Burger KKKing.

Guy: "...it's more of a restaurant for people with discriminating taste."

Girl: "It's for racists?"

- Ohio and Ada

-- Submitted by Junior

Is it chat stew? So meaty!

Guy: "I feel like a squirrel. In a log cabin. In the desert. With a stew going. AND I'M THE STEW!"

- Waveland and Clark

-- Submitted by Tim

Broken wrist.

Woman: (on cell) "I can't even give high FIVES anymore!"

- Wood and Division

-- Submitted by Muffs

Broken wrist.

Woman: (on cell) "I can't even give high FIVES anymore!"

- Wood and Division

-- Submitted by Muffs

The man likes tall grass.

Man: (on cell) "If you mow your lawn again, I'm coming out and destroying you."

- Green Line

-- Submitted by Leonardo

Someone really wanted that chair.

Pregnant Woman: "Excuse me, can I use this chair?"

Fat Woman: "No. It's taken."

Pregnant Woman: "But it only has a pair of shoes on it."

Fat Woman: "I'm sorry. It's taken?"

Pregnant Woman's Husband: "Taken? Who needs it more: the shoes or your fat haunches? Bitch."

- Skokie Water Playground

-- Submitted by Slim

Thank God.

Train-goer: "You don't have to suck up to Jesus to get him to like you."

- Red Line

-- Submitted by Toast

It's true. We are.

Guy: (on phone) "You know, Chicago is WAY under-prepared for a zombie attack."

- #36 Broadway Bus

-- Submitted by Marriane

I bet he wears wife beaters at home.

Guy #1: "You should get a tattoo."

Older Woman: "NO! No tattoos. They're gross."

Guy #2: "Aw, come on. They're cool. You can get one right on your lower back."

Guy #3: "Hey, asshole. My mom isn't getting a whore brand and if you mention it again, I'm going to destroy you."

Guy #2: "It's not a whore brand. It's the new style."

Guy #3: "Yeah. That's what my mom needs: A style tip from a dude with a mullet AND a rat's tail on his head."

- South Side Shop

-- Submitted by Larry

You no brain.

Girl #1: "Menomonee? How do you pronouce that? Me no money street?"

Girl #2: "Oh my god, it is me no money street! That is so funny quick take a picture."

Random Guy: "It is Me-nom-o-nee Street, not me no money!"

- Menomonee Street, Lincoln Park

-- Submitted by The Boxman

So you don't want to breathe?

Boss: (on phone) "...and when I say I'm wasting my breath, I mean I'm not talking."

- Loop Office

-- Submitted by Underling

Honey!!! We're going to need more cats!

Inspector: "If you want more power, we are going to have to hook your cat up to a wheel."

- Wilmette

-- Submitted by Erika

Must be color blind.

Girl #1: (wearing blue sweater and black pants) "Uhm, I have a question. (pointing to sweater) Is this black or blue?"

Girl #2: "Blue."

Girl #1: "Oh, what the fuck! "

- Daley Center

- Submitted by Ray

This kid is going to grow up completely normal. Really.

Dad: "Do you know why they call it Home Depot?"

Kid: "Why?"

Dad: "Because it's where they deposit bad kids that misbehave at home."

- Home Depot, North Avenue

-- Submitted by LPChad

Male Friends: Always boosting your self esteem.

Guy #1: "So two weeks, huh?"

Guy #2: "Yup. Two weeks until this life is over."

Guy #3: "What?! You're getting married, you're not committing suicide."

Guy #2: "Yeah. But we can't do this. We can't just go out and hang. I'll have responsibilities."

Guy #1: "No. We'll hang. You tell that woman that we're going to hang when we want to and there's nothing she can do about it."

Guy #2: "See. This is why you're single and wish that you could hold on to somebody for more than a week."

Guy #3: "Forget a week. He can't hold on to someone after he takes his pants off. They all just start laughing and have to leave the room."

Guy #2: "And that's after he gets them drunk enough to take them back to his place."

Guy #3: "Or a bathroom."

- Kincade's

-- Submitted by Prime

High Standards

Girl: (on cell) "And who does he think he is? We go on one date and he thinks I'm just going to throw it all out there, like I owe him something? Exactly. No one gets in my pants until AT LEAST date number two. And don't even think it's going to be fun."

- Purple line platform, Howard

-- Submitted by 53

Because he makes you feel smarter.

Guy #1: "We should, like, sue all the lawyers for having built this stuff."

Guy #2: Sue. The lawyers. For having built. Lawyers don't BUILD stuff! Dude! Sometimes I wonder why I know you."

- Evanston fireworks show

-- Submitted by Bwuh?

I've waited 25 years for this movie.

Guy #1: "TRANSFOMERS!!!!!!!!!!!!"

Guy #2: "That was the best movie ever made by man. Ever. I put it right up there past Braveheart and the original Star Wars."

Guy #1: "The only thing that matches it's awesomeness was Transfomers: The Movie. Rarely can you beat the cartoon classic."

Guy #2: "Especially with today's cartoons. I mean, Bratz? Can someone explain that abortion to me? What happened to Jem?"

- Webster Place

-- Submitted by Frankie

Happy Birthday, indeed.

Woman: (on cell) "He called me up, said 'Happy birthday,' and then told me the dog died. What a wonderful day it was."

- Red Line

-- Submitted by Genevieve

Macy's: A bastion of high class.

Woman: (on cell) "He didn't let you buy it?! I would have strung him up flag pole. Fucking strung. Him. Up. A. Flag. Pole."

- Macy's

-- Submitted by Shopper

Nice save, officer.

Chicago Police Officer: (on Loudspeaker) "We would like to remind everyone that bottles and alchoholic beverages are not allowed in the park for tonight's 4th of July festivities. (pause) Actually they are never allowed for that matter."

- Lincoln Park

-- Submitted by BC

That information would have been helpful five minutes ago.

Girl: "Colin! Don't flush!"

Guy: "What? It's a little late for that."

Girl: "What! You can't flush because the toilet's broken."

Guy: "Oh shit. This is about to be the most embarrassing night of my life!"

- Lakeview Apartments

-- Submitted by Kiki

Email me. Let's get together.

Girl: "I can't go."

Guy: "Come on. It's our last hurrah."

Girl: "No. Whenever I go to those parties I get myself in trouble. Everything I do is either illegal, immoral, or plain whorelike."

- University of Chicago

-- Submitted by Danny

Maybe he's a mutant.

Girl: "She has to guess how many months have 31 days."

Guy: (counting knuckles) "It's eight."

Girl: "No, it's seven."

Guy: (counting knuckles again) "No. It's eight. January, March, May, July, August, October, December. Five knuckles plus three knuckles is eight."

Girl: "Yeah, that's great. Except you only have four knuckles on your hand, dumbass."

- Skokie

-- Submitted by Power

That's some fatty water.

Girl: "You want dessert?"

Guy #1: "I do."

Guy #2: "I don't."

Girl: "Why not? They have some good stuff."

Guy #2: "Why not? Because I don't want to gain the weight, that's why."

Guy #1: "Whatever. We'll share some cake or something."

Guy #2: "No. You two don't understand. You can eat cake, cookies, ice cream, and pie and lose 3 pounds today. I'll look at a glass of water and need to go up a pant size."

- Bennigan's on Michigan Ave.

-- Submitted by Terrence

They're better than Al Qaeda Dancers.

Guy: "Nothing says 'We're celebrating the independence of America' like Bolivian dancers."

- Morton Grove Fourth of July Parade

-- Submitted by Clarisse

What kind of performance was this?!

Girl: "It happened last year. We were putting on Peter and the Wolf first quarter and this kid came up on stage. I asked if he wanted to touch it, and then he put his mouth over my mouth. I was like, 'No, no. Not a good idea.'"

- Northwestern University

-- Submitted by Ivan

What kind of performance was this?!

Girl: "It happened last year. We were putting on Peter and the Wolf first quarter and this kid came up on stage. I asked if he wanted to touch it, and then he put his mouth over my mouth. I was like, 'No, no. Not a good idea.'"

- Northwestern University

-- Submitted by Ivan

Nursing Home by Dolce and Gabana

Teen Girl: "So old people buy that and spray it on themselves? I thought that smell was just natural."

- Brown Line

-- Submitted by Corey

Back on Thursday

Happy Fourth of July!

And remember kids: Don't eat firecrackers.

Quite an aspiration.

Guy #1: "I need to get out of this town."

Guy #2: "Where do you want to go?"

Guy #1: "Somewhere bigger with more people and places. Chicago is getting stale."

Guy #2: "That would require money."

Guy #1: "Not when you aspire to be a transient."

- Green Line

-- Submitted by Yen

It's not stealing when you're stuffing it in their clothes.

Drunk Guy #1: "I think we need to go home."

Drunk Guy #2: "I think we need to see boobs."

Drunk Guy #1: "No. I'm tired of seeing them. Everytime we see them, we have problems."

Drunk Guy #2: "Only because you always try to touch."

Drunk Guy #1: "Only because they always steal my money."

- Barleycorn, Wrigleyville

-- Submitted by Jermain

And rightly so.

Guy: (on phone) "I need it shipped next day air. Yeah. No. I need it tomorrow. Yes. Next day air. No. NEXT. DAY. Why is this so hard to understand? If you can't get it to me next day, why do you have next day air? Then it's not next day air. IT DOESN'T MATTER WHEN YOU MANUFACTURE THE THING! If you can't ship it today and have it to me by tomorrow it's not next day! No, I will not calm down. I hate you very much right now."

- Aon Building

-- Submitted by Rita

It'd be the 20's. And he'd have to be a woman.

Bulls Fan #1: "Joakim Noah?! JOAKIM NOAH!? Of all the crappy..."

Bulls Fan #2: "It's not that bad. He's a proven winner. Two rings in college and the star of the team?"

Bulls Fan #1: "Look at what that douchebag is wearing. He's going to be one of two things in the NBA: A goofy doofus who can't score or one of those guys who flops around for loose balls and never gets any, but burns 5 or 6 timeouts a game just trying."

Bulls Fan #2: "I like his bowtie. The man's got style."

Bulls Fan #1: "For a 1950's flapper."

- Buffalo Wild Wings, Niles

-- Submitted by Yummy

A father's dilemma.

Mom: (fixing young girls hair) "Does her ponytail look okay?"

Dad: "I have trouble putting her hairclips in without stabbing her in the head. I have no idea if it looks right."

- Purple Line

-- Submitted by Piglet

It's like drinking donuts.

Girl #2: "I want to go to Jamba Juice."

Girl #1: "Noooo! You have to hold on to your thinspiration, remember? "

Girl #2: "But it's healthy stuff in there. I can have fiber!"

Girl #1: "Becca, they put all kinds of sugar and flour in that stuff. It's for obese people who want to pretend that they're being healthy. Besides, you just ate on Thursday!"

- In front of the Hancock Tower

-- Submitted by Spike

Next time, just assume.

Guy #1: "Welcome back! I'm sorry to hear about your aunt."

Girl: "It's okay. Sometimes it's better this way."

Guy #2: "Oh my god. Did your aunt pass?"

Girl: "No. She won the lottery, braniac."

- Metra Milwaukee District North

-- Submitted by Quirky

And his ugly friend.

Woman #1: "He's cute."

Woman #2: "Except for his face. And hair. And clothes."

Woman #1: "Are we looking at the same guy?"

Woman #2: "Yeah. The cute guy over there."

- The Hunt Club

-- Submitted by Maria

Do you have to pay for the cuddling?

Homeless Guy: "I don't need cash for booze or food, folks. No. Not me. Every man needs a companion. I'm looking to buy a puppy. They're loyal, friendly, and cuddle with you longer than a hooker."

- LaSalle and Erie

Wait. MySpace pictures aren't true representations?!

Girl: "Where did you meet her again?"

Guy: "On MySpace."

Girl: "And you decided a date was a good idea?"

Guy: "Yeah. It's a social network and I was socially networking."

Girl: "Based on pictures and instant messages?"

Guy: "And a phone call."

Girl: "Oh. Well, that's a clincher. Let's just hope she's not a typical MySpace whore with flattering pictures of her head that excludes her plumped out, Cadillac sized ass."

Guy: "She had a nice voice, you know."

- Red Line

-- Submitted by Gray

Note to self: Do NOT come between a girl and her chicken wings.

Guy #1: "...and I was all 'Stop coming up to us! I'm not giving you any damn money, asshole.'"

Guy #2: "Awesome."

Girl: "No, you weren't. You were more 'Uh, I don't have change.' I was the one that threatened to punch him in the head if he didn't leave me and my chicken wings alone."

- Clark and Ontario

-- Submitted by Kate

Oh, Cubs Fans.

Drunk Guy #1: "They should have let 'em fight. Howry vs. Fan. The new 'Thrilla' in Manila.'"

Drunk Guy #2: "We're not in Manilla. And Howry is 7'1" and eats scrap metal for lunch."

Drunk Guy #1: "But it would have been great. That guy would have gone at least four rounds."

Drunk Guy #2: "Not with me. I'm husky."

- Wrigley Field

-- Submitted by Bumblebee

Updates

Sorry about the sporadic updates lately. I've been insanely busy with some things. Things will be back to normal soon and there will be updates tomorrow, guaranteed.

Z

No. In the 'I like mastectomies" way.

Trixie #1: "That dress looks like it's cutting off your boobs."

Trixie #2: "In a bad way?"

- Dressing Room in Andersonville

-- Submitted by Sahagi

There's probably a reason for that.

Little Girl: "...and every time we visit her, Grandma give us cookies."

Teacher: "How many of you get cookies or treats from your Grandma's when you visit? And if they live far away, do they send you cookies? Yes, Jason?"

Little Boy: "My Grandma sent cookies until she died. Then she stopped."

- Northwest Suburban elementary school

-- Submitted by Teacher's Aide

New Orleans is rowdy.

Guy #1: "Let's go, I'm bored."

Guy #2: "We're not leaving. This is for us. We should be proud to be here!"

Guy #1: "I am proud, I'm just bored."

Guy #2: "Is this about Southern Decadence again?"

Guy #1: "You have no idea how crazy that place gets. It makes the Pride Parade look like a knitting circle!"

- Pride Parade

-- Submitted by Gary

Harsh.

Guy #1: "Holy cow! Dave! How are ya!?"

Guy #2: "Uh. Good. I'm sorry, I don't..."

Guy #1: "Liam. New Trier High School. 1995!

Guy #2: "Oh. Yeah. Hey."

Guy #1: "Man, what are you up to nowada..."

Guy #2: "Look. It's been 12 years since we've seen each other. About ten years since I cared how you were doing. My life is different. the people I speak with are different, and I don't feel like reminiscing about the 'good old days.' Let's just go our separate ways and be who we are."

Guy #1: "Just like old times man. You're such a straight shooter! I love that about you!"

- Water Tower Place

-- Submitted by Floyd

Except in Supern Bowls.

Girl: "Indy is like a mini-Chicago."

Guy: "Yeah. Really, really mini."

- Streeterville Bus, Wacker Drive

-- Submitted by Cheri

I wasn't in the vicinity at the time.

Guy: "Oh my god, it IS true! Look at the size of that thing."

- Logan Square

-- Submitted by Kamil

That's grandma, all right.

Flamboyant Man: (on cell) "Remember that shampoo he got from Grandma? That 'Silver Fox' shampoo?"

- Armitage El Stop

-- Submitted by Maim

That's grandma, all right.

Flamboyant Man: (on cell) "Remember that shampoo he got from Grandma? That 'Silver Fox' shampoo?"

- Armitage El Stop

-- Submitted by Maim

Chicago Housing: Affordable.

Girl: "Is that the phone number or the price on that for sale sign?"

- Sheridan Road on the North Shore

- Submitted by Nic

Uh, are eggs supposed to be that color?

Mom:"Ooooh! Cool! An Elephant egg!"

- Lincoln Park Zoo

-- Submitted by Kat

This message will self-destruct in 10 seconds.

Voice on voicemail: "Hi, honey. It's me. You have one mission and one mission alone today. Should you not accept this mission, there will be hell to pay. You are to come home immediately after work and make rhubarb crisp. Repeat, rhubarb crisp. Again, if the rhubarb crisp is not being made, the consequences will be dire. (pause) FOR YOU! Love you bye."

- West Suburban Office

-- Submitted by Janet

It's a slippery slope.

Mom: "You have to send her to the zoo."

Manager: "But the bus with the car seats broke down."

Mom: "No. You listen to me. This kid has been making animal noises for a week and almost pees her pants every time we mention it. If you don't send her to the zoo, it will crush her. It will cause a permanent scar to never leave her fragile young mind which will be left to fester in its pain and anguish. She will grow up a broken, miserable woman who will not know love. Is that what you want?"

Manager: "Uh. I think we'll send her."

- North Side Day Care

-- Submitted by Max

But they don't actually hurt you.

Guy: (on cell) "Yeah, yeah. Sticks and stones will break your bones but names will lower your self esteem which helps me kick you while you're down."

- Green Line

-- Submitted by Joan

One of them HAS TO be better.

Guy #1: "... no chance of a comeback with Detroit and Cleveland playing so well."

Guy #2: "Well, then let's start trading for talent."

Guy #1: "What if we traded the pitching staff for Rex Grossman?"

Guy #2: "Rex Grossman would just start lobbing pitches into the stands and the Bears still wouldn't have a quarterback."

-Blue Line

-- Submitted by Jeff F.

The lake is full again. Get to it!

Homeless Man #1: "Man, what's wrong with that guy?"

Homeless Man #2: "What? What's wrong with him?"

Homeless Man #1: "He stinks. It rained the other day and he still hasn't taken a bath."

- State & Van Buren

-- Submitted by Amanda D.

Ba-Donk. A. Donk.

Crazy Lady in a Cowboys Jerset: "Why aren't you smiling? Smile! You got an ass on you! Hoo boy!" [maniacal laughter and clapping]

- Morse Red Line Stop

-- Submitted by Spinner

Must have been important.

Guy #1: "Why didn't you ask?"

Guy #2: "I forgot."

Guy #1: "Why are you asking now?"

Guy #2: "I remembered."

Guy #1: "How does that happen?"

Guy #2: "I don't know. Sheer luck?"

- Wilmette Metra Station

-- Submitted by Lady Lisa

Have you checked his pulse?

Guy #1: "One worker called in for the millionth time this year and said he was sick, so I fired him. Another guy didn't bother showing up. Two guys were on vacation. My assistant was out. It was just me and Terry. And it was a crazy ass day."

Guy #2: "Why didn't you call your kid and tell him to come in? He could have helped."

Guy #1: "That would have been great. The only problem is that shlub doesn't know how to get up before never. I don't think I've seen him awake since he's turned 18."

- Brown Line

-- Submitted by Tropical