Wednesday, November 26, 2008

Happy Thanksgiving!!

Guy: ''Well, there's no chance I'll have THAT music stuck in my head for the next three days.''

Girl: ''It's modern opera - it is what it is.''

Guy: ''Yeah. What it is, is sucky.''

- Lyric Opera lobby during intermission

-- Submitted by misterb

(Back on Monday!)

Honesty: not always the best policy.

Woman: (on cell) "You can't bring your parents because they smell. Happy, Dean?"

- Union Station

-- Submitted by Felipe

No. It's not.

Girl: "My eyes are killing me. I think I have pink eye. Can you check?"

Guy: "Sure."

(Girl closes her eyes.)

Guy: "Open your eyes."

Girl: "No. It's on my eyelid!"

- DePaul

-- Submitted by Lara

Tuesday, November 25, 2008

Fun night?

Girl: (on cell) "Hi Chrissy, it's Jenny. Sorry I didn't call you back last night. I completely blacked out. I woke up with a party hat on and cigarette butt holes all over the place. I'm on my way to Taco Bell now, but give me a call later and let me know what's going on....."

- #22 Clark Bus

-- Submitted by Dtrain

Really. What a moron.

Guy #1: "We should make up our own language. Like Klingon!"

Guy #2: "Why not learn Klingon?"

Guy #1: "Already been done, idiot!"

- Northwestern

-- Submitted by Lasso

So stop. Or will your mom get mad?

Guy: (on cell) "I'm tired of clenching my damn abs, mom!"

- Jackson and State

-- Submitted by Benn

Monday, November 24, 2008

That's gratitude.

Woman #1: "Hey, can you give me any change?"

Woman #2: "No, I've got nothing. Sorry."

Woman #1: "That's okay--BITCH-ASS!"

- Lawrence and Broadway

-- Submitted by Spinner

Raise your hand if you need to look up 'pederast' on google.

Grizzled Man: (On Cell) "They can't call you a pederast just because that kid says you're a pederast. Well, at least it was a nice funeral."

-Blue Line

-- Submitted by Tom

If you're not part of the solution...

Guy: "A lot of people are starting to worry about inflation."

Girl: "What's inflation?"

Guy: "It's when the value of money goes up."

Girl: "Oh."

(The guy starts explaining inflation in detail, all of which is wrong.)

Guy: "So basically its like everything is on sale."

Girl: "You're complicated."

- University of Chicago

-- Submitted by Steve Sp

Thursday, November 20, 2008

Sound advice from a guy in the know

Homeless Guy: "If I'm the auto dudes, I'm going to Congress and askin' for 50 trillion dollars. You gotta start 'um high and work 'um down. Business basics, man. That's why they failin'.''

- Wacker and Jackson

-- Submitted by Bob

This woman is probably awesome to hang out with

Angry Woman: "If that bitch ask to see my I.D. one more time, I'm goin' crazy. I don't look like no 21 year old and you are NOT putting lameass 'you look young' compliment on me. Ho."

- West Side

-- Submitted by Noah

She needs to try chewing a bear.

Girl: "I wish gummi bears were more gum than mi bears. Then I could blow gum bear bubbles."

- Niles West High School

-- Submitted by Greg

Wednesday, November 19, 2008

I prefer the one about the furry lobster.

Girl: "Turn the radio up! This is that song about the balding shrimp!"

- Deerfield High School

-- Submitted by Kyle

Good luck with that.

Student #1: "This semester my goal is straight A's."

Student #2: "That's mozt students' goal."

Student #1: "Right. But I don't want to read the books. Or go to class. Or do anything really."

- Loyola University

-- Submitted by Chief

Nothing like free grossburgers.

Woman: "As long as people keep handing in these Burger King wallets, I'm going to eat like a queen!"

Man: "Who'll be dead in a weak from nasty ass, Grade F meat."

- CTA Subway Security, off Michigan Ave.

-- Submitted by Randy

Tuesday, November 18, 2008

But only once.

Girl: "My mom is a high risk person. If you tell her to jump off a bridge into a spiked rock valley, she probably try it."

- Northwestern University

-- Submitted by Drama


Guy: "Your arm is so unnatural. I love it."

- Red Line

-- Submitted by Rebecca

That's not OSHA compliant.

Guy: "I'm thinking of going heel at work. Cuttin' promos and shit."

Girl: "Take a breather, Stone Cold. Your boss will body slam you."

- Michigan Ave.

-- Submitted by Matt

Monday, November 17, 2008

Well, did you see them?

Receptionist: "I booked you in the small conference room, but someone just snuck in there while I wasn't looking. I don't know who it is."

Employee: "Well, who is it?"

Receptionist: "I don't know, they snuck in while I wasn't looking."

Employee: "Well, when are they going to be done?"

Receptionist: "I don't know, they snuck in there while I wasn't looking."

- Downtown Office

-- Submitted by Tekie

You won't know until you check.

Guy: (on cell) "Well, I don't know then, honey. I'm sure 'raggy bitch' won't be in the dictionary."

- Blue Line

-- Submitted by Aghast

Seriously. Our future.

Girl: "We want Terminator 2 Sarah Connor."

Librarian: "You mean the older movie with Schwarzenegger?"

Guy: "No, the one on TV."

Librarian: "The Sarah Connor Chronicles? The TV show?"

Guy: "Yeah, that one."

Librarian: "Ok, we don't have it, but I can order season 1 for you."

Girl: "No, we want season 2"

Librarian: "You mean the one that's on tv right now?"

Guy: "Yeah, that one."

Librarian: "It's on TV. It's not on DVD yet."

Guy and Girl: ...

Librarian: "They don't release the DVDs for a season until after the season is over."

Guy: "You mean you can't just get it for us? Like burn it onto a DVD for us?"

- Riverside Library

-- Submitted by Kimmi

Friday, November 14, 2008

Way to stay on the wagon

Woman: "I don't drink too much. I haven't had any"

- Fox & Hound, Bloomingdale

--Submitted by Loeds

The dress probably doesn't fit.

Guy: (on cell) "So I have one bad day and the whole joint is on my ass. I can't always be Mary fuckin' Poppins people.''

- Metra Milwaukee District North Line.

-- Submitted by Frankie

This girl is a brain

Girl #1: ''What do you think of the yellow lights in here?''

Girl #2: 'They're awesome. Now I know what it's like to be Asian!''

- Ladies' room at Sonotheque

-- Submitted byNicole

Thursday, November 13, 2008

Chicago hotel hospitality.

Concierge: "Can I help you, sir?"

Guy: "Do I have to be staying here for you to help me?"

Concierge: "We prefer it that way, sir."

Guy: "So that means..."

Concierge: "It's a polite way of telling people to take a hike."

- Downtown Hotel

-- Submitted by Carla

Either way you're studying anatomy

Guy #1 : "Let's go study."

Guy #2: "I'm not in the mood. ''

Guy #1: "Then...?"

Guy #2: "Amateur porn?"

Guy #1: "Make or watch?"

Guy #2: "Your call."


-- Submitted by Flame On!

I bet it was.

Guy: (on cell) "Sitting his urine was gross."

-Blue Line

--submitted by Howard

Wednesday, November 12, 2008

The guy is obviously a brown-noser (drum fill)

Guy: (on cell) "No. There was a toilet paper rip. I saw the leg lift. Then, without another T.P. rip, there was nose blowing. I was mortified."

- Green Line

-- Submitted by Papas Fritas

Technology wasted

Woman: (on blackberry) "I need directions to your place. Yeah. But my phone can't just figure out what restaurant we're going to. Yeah, but I don't know the address! Google it where?! Oh."

- Michigan and Jackson

-- Submitted by Sammy

Red alert!

McDonald's Employee: "Yo! Get over here! These Diet Cokes is ALLLL fucked up!"

- McCormick Place

--Submitted by Spinner

Tuesday, November 11, 2008

She's a catch, guys. Line forms to the left.

Guy: "So why are you here?"

Girl: "To make sure I really don't want to date."

Guy: "And?"

Girl: "There's too much 'poor loser' in here for me to find a husband."

- Speed dating, North Side

-- Submitted by Carol


Guy: "From now on, I'm only going to date girls who are into the real me. The fake me was way too 'Zack Morris.'"

- Joe's on Weed Street

-- Submitted by Atari

She yapped on about Xenu with a hot accent.

Guy: "The last prostitute I had sex with was a South African Scientologist."

- Downtown

-- Submiited by Sara

Monday, November 10, 2008

What's back surgery when chocolate is involved?

Girl #1: "I think it'd be great if it snows a ton."

Girl #2: "Wouldn't Ron have to shovel before work?"

Girl #1: "Right."

Girl #2: "His back would be screaming."

Girl #1: "Right. But he'd make hot chocolate for both of us."

- Old Orchard Shopping Center

-- Submitted by Willie

That's the ONLY way??

Guy: (on cell) "The only way I'm getting out of that job is if I crap on Joe's desk, but then I'd be risking my unemployment benefits."

- Red Line

-- Submitted by Saul

It's not a challenge.

Guy: "Don't do it."

Girl: "Why not?"

Guy: "You're scandalous!"

Girl: "If that's what it takes to ruin his life, I accept the challenge."

- DePaul

-- Submitted by Janine

Friday, November 07, 2008

Walk away slowly and maintain eye contact.

Girl: "I'm just tired of being grumpy."

Guy: "Maybe you're pregnant."

Girl: "Maybe YOU'RE pregnant!"

Guy: How can that be possible?"

Girl: "Because I said so. Now shut the hell up or I'll grumpify your life."

- Grant Park

-- Submitted by Face

Mostly indeed.

Female Sales Rep: "So after talking to several people today i have come to the realization that guys are much nicer on the phone than women. They are also more likely to buy cable. I have had 31 male customers and 16 female customers. Why do you suppose that is?"

Male Supervior: "I think it's more that you're a girl and most guys pick up on that. And you sound 'nice' on the phone. See Audrey, men always have an alterior motive, whereas women unfortunately do not....mostly."

- Chicago Office

-- Submitted by Ania

Amongst other things.

Kid: "Why do they have grass in there?"

Mom: "'Cause people drink it."

- Jamba Juice

-- Submitted by Courtney

Thursday, November 06, 2008


Guy: "...there's nothing to worry about. Women are just men without penises."

- Roosevelt University

-- Submitted by Grant

Keep waiting

Guy: (yelling) "He's not the winner until Fox News declares it!"

- Obama Grant Park rally

-- Submitted by Molly

And he stole the Hope Diamond

Guy: (selling Obama T-Shirts) "Barack Obama will stimulate the economy. He's stimulating my economy right now!"

- 53rd and Lake Park

-- Submitted by Crystal

Wednesday, November 05, 2008

No one likes paperwork.

Cop #1: "There are a lot of people out here. He'd better win or they going to be pissed."

Cop #2: "Tonight is either going to be a crowd deafening celebration or a riot of biblical proportion."

Cop #1: "If we build an ark real quick, we could float away on the lake."

Cop #2: "Nah. Then we'd have to explain why weren't clubbing rioters."

- Grant Park

-- Submitted by Patienne

Mothers: Crushing dreams one little boy at a time.

Boy: "Mom? We're underwater. Does that mean we're mermaids?"

Mom: "No. Mermaids are girls."

- Shedd Aquarium

-- Submitted by Innocent Bystander

Better than the baby.


- Lakeview Park

-- Submitted by Dan

Tuesday, November 04, 2008

Go vote

Drunk Guy: (seeing two guys dressed as Winnie the Pooh and Tigger) "Tigger and Pooh for love! That's like Jesus and...Jesus!"

- North Clark bar

-- Submitted by Patrick

Go vote

Girl: "Dude I'm a fucking panda. A drunk fucking panda!"

- South Loop

-- Submittedbg Patrick

Go vote

Woman: (bending down to pick up crushed candy from the street) "Ain't no shame in my game! I like sweets!"

- Magnificent Mile

-- Submitted by Leigh