Thursday, January 29, 2009

Must've missed that page.

El Passenger: "People don't make babies. God makes babies. And babies are just punishment for not remaining a virgin. a Punishment! I mean the Bible, the BIBLE, warns against marriage!"

- Red Line

-- Submitted by Ariel

Scientists say: Too late.

Green Peace Guy: "Hey! It's her! Hey!"

Girl: "Sorry. Can't talk. I'm in a rush."

Green Peace Guy: "Hey, I'm in a rush, too. To save the planet!"

- Chicago and State

-- Submitted by Gemma


Guy: (on cell) "If you're going to the store can you pick up yogurt? Yeah and not that vomit tasting one that was full of fat."

- Yellow Line

-- Submitted by swifty

Tuesday, January 27, 2009

Definitely. Must be the hidden tire.

Girl: (on cell) "...And it just stopped. I was able to pull to the side. I don't know. The engine went 'crunchy, crunchy, ploppy, ploppy, screeeeeeeeeech.' And then it stopped. You don't think it's a blown tire, do you?"

- Downtown Naperville

-- Submitted by Louis

She might have had a great personality.

Guy: "I thought it'd be love at first sight until I saw her body. I think she ate her last boyfriend."

- ESPNZone

-- Submitted by Martin

Good try.

Guy: "Can you make the deal better? The gym down the street is giving me 6 months free."

Sales Guy: "We're not doing that.''

Guy: "Can I get a free day then?"

- X-sport

-- Submitted by Ronnie

Monday, January 26, 2009

He's awake and he's lying.

Woman #1: "He just keeps waking me up, begging for a piece. In the morning he tells me he's asleep and doesn't remember any of it."

Woman #2: "He's sleepwalking?"

Woman #1: "More like sleepsexing."

- Blue Line

-- Submitted by M

And for, 50 dollars, they'll pay you

Girl: "I hear that for twenty dollars you can get everything for free."

- Belmont Red Line Stop

-- Submitted by sealouse

I mean, it's KIND of technoligical.

Woman: ''It's amazing what moderate technology can do."

- Green line

-- Submitted by Stephen

Friday, January 23, 2009

If you are seeing an errant posting on Google or some other RSS feed, that was an error by a publishing partner. Excuse the interruption.

She got ya there.

Guy #1: "I have to go to physical therapy."

Guy #2: "For how long?"

Guy #1: "I think eight weeks. My hand just won't get better. I guess I have to stop pleasing the women. Right?"

Random Goth Girl: "You're obviously only pleasing yourself. If you were pleasing women, you wouldn't be concerned with your hand."

- Red Line

-- Submitted by Stunned

Duty failed. By many.

Guy: "I think I'm going to ask her out again."

Girl: "Your last date was a disaster. Can't you just find someone new?"

Guy: "But then where's the thrill? I've got to make things right. It's my civic duty."

Girl: "Who are you? Superawfuldaterman? Your civic duty is to not be a dumbass."


-- Submitted by Renee

Try texting on it. Near impossible.

Woman: (on cell) "How do you drunk dial on a rotary phone? It probably takes 20 minutes just to figure the damn thing out and being all inebriated. And what if you pass out mid-rotary?"

- Skokie

-- Submitted by Sheesh

Tuesday, January 20, 2009

The donor list is going to be short.

Girl: "If my left wrist hurts and my right wrist is fine, should I be worried about needing a transplant or replacement or something?"

- Orthopedic Office, North side

-- Submitted by Nurse of Fools

Vote for change indeed.

Guy: "Now that Obama's going to be President, he'll try and fix stuff. Hopefully he brings back 70's music. And eight tracks. Awesome."

- DePaul University

-- Submitted by Zander

She is now.

Guy: (on cell, angrily speaking) "Say it! Just say it! Is she breaking up with me?!"

- Purple Line

-- Submitted by innocent bystander

Monday, January 19, 2009

It's apparently possible with brains.

Guy: "I wonder if it can ever get to the point where your eyeballs just shatter."

- Chicago Ave. bus

-- Submitted by Jessica

It was a double whammy if she's a vet.

Guy: (on cell) "I was in this relationship with a girl named Kelly and, you know, Memorial Weekend I just coldly dumped her."

- Office, Wolf & Palatine, Wheeling

-- Submitted by Jenny

Friends think of everything.

Girl: "So you had long underwear?"

Guy: "Well I normally wear nothing, but I tried padded shorts, they worked well. Then Steve bought me these tight black ones and those were even better."

- Union Station

-- Submitted by jeff

Thursday, January 15, 2009

You won't know until you try. And have a better attitude!

Guy# 1: "Come on! you should run the Shamrock Shuffle with me! it'll be fun!"

Guy#2: "The what?"

Guy# 1: "It's a race!"

Guy#2: "But what if I don't win it? I don't think I should. I won't win it."

- Jewel, Roosevelt & State

-- Submitted by Oscar

With the relationship? Completely.

Guy: (on cell) "No, bitch. It's not cold for me? I wish we loved in Antarctica. Fuckin' happy?"

- Adams Street El Platform

-- Submitted by Substandard

Sounds legit.

Officer: "And the reason all these drugs are in your possession is?"

Suspect: "I bought them so I could flush them down the toilet. Keep some kids safe."

- Downtown

-- Submitted by Assisting Officer

Wednesday, January 14, 2009

P.S. You're getting evicted

Guy: (on cell) "But if the rent is due on the 15th, why do you keep calling me three days early every month?! But it's due the 15th! Unless you're jerking off with the check before you give it to the bank, I see no reason to get it to you early every month. "

- Purple Line

-- Submitted by Cathy

Unknown guy code?

Guy #1: "...and the guy just wouldn't go faster down the stairs. I got as close as I could and he wouldn't hurry up. I was going to punch him in the back of the head!"

Guy #2: "Why didn't you pass him?"

Guy #1: "That's akin to ball punching. Total dick move."

- South Loop/Columbia

-- Submitted by Paul

Man's gotta eat. He can't be buyin' extra pants!

Guy: (Wiping salt stains off his khaki pants) "I hate winter. I hate, hate, hate it. I am not made of money. I can't just wash my pants whenever I want"

- West Town Office

-- Submitted by Regina

Tuesday, January 13, 2009

And brains tatooed on your rear.

Barfly: "I wanna get lips tattooed on my lips."

- Jake's Pub

-- Submitted by amy dee

Kids are fearless. And often stupid.

Mom: "Get back from the street! You're gonna trip and fall under the bus!"

Little boy: "Cool!"

- Lawrence and Western

-- Submitted by Spinner

Uh....we didn't win.

Hobo in Vietnam Vet Hat: "You sistas should thank me for your job. I hadn'ta fought in Vietnam, you'd be speaking Vietnamese now."

- 47th and Cottage Grove

-- Submitted by Just trying to get by on the South Side

Friday, January 09, 2009

When you start enjoying it.

Cop: "When does CPR become necrophilia?"

- Union Station

--Submitted by Melissa

In today's troubled times...

Guy: (on cell) "You're wearing a what? The only place you'd wear a corset to an interview is at the Bunny Ranch!"

- State and Lake

-- Submitted by Amy

Makes the first step unnecessary.

Girl: "If you brush my ass again, I'm gonna rip out your eyes and replace them with your balls. Then I'll kill you. Twice."

- Green Line

-- Submitted by tyler

Thursday, January 08, 2009

Not even in a smelly way?

Guy: (on cell) "I love her and I'm happy we're together, but I need her to stop crapping in my shoes. It's not cute."

- Michigan and Roosevelt

-- Submitted by Jay

Disinviting yourself over?

Girl: "Can I come over for dinner?"

Guy: "Sure. What time?"

Girl: "I'm too tired to come over. Another time, maybe?"

- DePaul

-- Submitted by Randy

Your brain has already succumbed.

Guy: "If I die from the HIV, I'll survive."

- Diversey Rock and Bowl

-- Submitted by Joe

Wednesday, January 07, 2009

What if it was your son?

Woman: (on cell) "There isn't anything more awkward than watchin' your 3 year old daughter breast feed her baby doll in front of your boss. No, I'm not facebooking it!"

- Red Line

-- Submitted by Jeanette

No. You're not. Hence the trust.

Guy #1: "Why don't you worry about toilet seat covers at my house?"

Guy #2: "Because you're not a stranger."

Guy #1: "So you trust my ass to be less infested? I'm touched."

- Navy Pier

-- Submitted by Vinny

Neith did green money. Or white Broncos.

Guy: "White money didn't do OJ no good."

- #8 Halsted bus

-- Submitted by Stagalicious

Tuesday, January 06, 2009

No bottles on the train, rulebreaker.

Conductor: "We're gonna be stoppin for 15 minutes. I know you wanna get home, I know i do. Open up a bottle of Chardonnay. Mmmm."

- Brown Line

-- Submitted by G

They need to be separated.

(Night of New Years @ 3am.)

Two guys in the same stall in the mens room.

Guy #1: "Well, what do you want me to do?"

Guy #2: "Call 911"!

Guy #1: "And what the fuck should I tell them?"

Guy #2: "Tell them to come and pick us up!"

- Clarke's on Belmont

-- Submitted by Paul

That's a lotta Jesus.

Subway Jesus (dressed in a white robe carrying a large cross): "HAVE YOU FOUND JESUS, MA'AM!??"

Lady: "Um, sure."

Subway Jesus: "YOU!?" (pointing to a boy in his teens)

Teen Boy: "Enough to be Pagan?"

-- Purple Line

--Submitted by Surprised and Amused

Monday, January 05, 2009

Not at all?

Girl: "An orange is nothing like a vagina."

- Uptown

-- Submitted by Spinner

Fried spider doesn't sound as tasty.

Girl: (Eating calamari) "An Octopus doesn't have eight legs!"

Guy: "Are you sure?"

Girl: "Yes, only spiders have 8 legs. Octopuses don't."

- Italian Village

-- Submitted by Kevin

She's got the future all planned out. In Huggies.

Girl: "No, it's ok, because when I turn 25 he'll turn 50 and we can celebrate our 75th."

Guy: "Yea, but just think of it this way. In a few years he'll be in diapers and you'll be, like, normal."

Girl: "Well, I'm never really normal, so there's a chance I can end up in diapers any day really."

- Loop Elevator

-- Submitted by MB