Tuesday, December 30, 2008

That's a lot of alcohol!

Girl: "The only thing we're going to be doing is drinking. No boys. No stupid amateur night parties. Nothing. We're going to lock the door and drink until Carson Daly looks hot again. Got it?"

- Lincoln Park

-- Submitted by Allisa

Have a Happy, Healthy, and Safe New Year!!

I want her to really do it next time.

Girl: "Usually it's me who has the problem. So what's your deal?"

Guy: "I just wanted to be treated with respect. It's like you've decided that in order to like me, you have to take one of my balls away, while stomping on the other and laughing."

Girl: "So why are we together?"

Guy: "Because we're in love."

- U of C

-- Submitted by Sig

Starting off '09 right!

Guy: (on cell) "...because everytime we go out for New Years, I end up seeing you pantsless. Not this year, pal."

- Red Line

-- Submitted by Kalpesh

Monday, December 29, 2008

The hangover is gonna suck

Happy Drunk Man:"I'm a Genuine American Alcoholic! I've been drunk for...ten million years!"

- Michigan and Chicago

-- Submitted by Eric P.

Someone's in the Christmas spirit!

Girl #1: "If the flight was any worse, I think I would have gone crazy."

Girl #2: "Seriously. That plane ride was awful. And those kids. UGH!"

Girl #1: "Yeah. I would have beaten them, except I didn't want their yucky drool all over my shoes."

Girl #2: "That would have totally ruined Christmas break for us."

- O'hare

-- Submitted by Nadia

Easy enough. Here's a penny.

Guy: (on cell) "Well, there's two things you can get me. Cash and things I can return to the store for cash."

- Metra South Shore

-- Submitted by Cal

Monday, December 22, 2008

Someone has a case of the Monday's!

Man: "How's everything going?"

Woman: "It's super, god damn cold and I'm eating a fucking apple. How do you think it's going?"

- Merchandise Mart

-- Submitted by Isaiah

A positive spin.

Man: (on cell) "...At least with all the layoffs, the moening commute may get better. I mean, they'll be sleeping in, right?"

- West Loop

-- Submitted by Gloria

I think these two are going to make it.

Woman: (on cell) "Well, honey, of course I'd prefer that you didn't kill yourself. Especially not around the holidays."

- Michigan Ave outside the Apple store

-- Submitted by Franny

Friday, December 19, 2008

They get tired of the regular scenery

Girl #1: "Do you think the security guards are watching us?"

Girl 2: "The way we've been acting, I wouldn't be surprised if they had popcorn!"

- Field Museum

-- Submitted by Angel

Sounds like a....wait for it...hairy situation

Girl: "It's just frustrating that everytime I look up his nose, it looks like a sasquatch shed his fur in it. It's his only negative."

- Loyola

-- Submitted by Hate

Listen to your friend.

Guy: (on cell) "Well, if you're that worried about it, stop whacking off at the office!"

- Purple line

-- Submitted by Night

Thursday, December 18, 2008

Again?

Girl: "I need to get my nails done. Where's a cheap place around here?"

Guy: "My bedroom."

Girl: "I'm not falling for that one again!"

- Columbia

-- Submitted by Den

Better than a no?

Girl #1: "He totally asked me out. I was so excited, I didn't know what to say."

Girl #2: "That's so exciting. He's so cute."

Girl #1: "That's why I'm mad. I gave him a 'definite maybe.'"

- Maine West High School

-- Submitted by Janey

Doesn't it, though?

Guy: (on cell) "Just because I was checking out the men for men section, it doesn't mean anything."

- Red Line

-- Submitted by Brass

Wednesday, December 17, 2008

Nothing says frills like Fruit Loops.

Girl: "I always thought you were the 'Fruit-Loop' kind."

Guy: "Huh. Well, no frills for me."

Girl: "That's good."

- University of Chicago

- Submitted by matt

Chop, chop?

Guy: (on cell) "How the hell am I supposed to bring my leg closer to my body when it's attached, dumbass?"

- Outside the Aon Building

-- Submitted by Howdy

Have the girl call me

Guy: "Given the choice between having sex with you and eating one of these, I would choose the brownie every time."

- Downtown

-- Submitted by I Agreed

Monday, December 15, 2008

She won't pay for the bypass.

(Watching the Biggest Loser)

Guy #1: "I love this show! The girl trainer is hot."

Guy #2: 'I'd almost consider gaining 100 lbs to have her whip me into shape."

- Waiting room at Northwestern Memorial

-- Submitted by Maria

So....the beach.

Girl: "I was in the Atlantic once; in the shallow end."

Guy: "There's a shallow end?"

Girl: "Yeah, it's the non-deep end."

- UIC

-- Submitted by Chmp

Economic rule #1: Discipline.

(Young boy reaching for a soda)

Mom: "What are you doin'?"

Boy: "I'm just going to get a pop!"

Mom: "You better pop your ass back over to this line."

- Target, South side

-- Submitted by Joelle

Friday, December 12, 2008

I hope the speaker was standing.

Commuter: (on cell) "What's up? Nothing much, I'm just on the train and there's a man with a small child and no one will give him a seat and it's really pissing me off."

(later)

"Oh good! Someone gave him a seat 'cus they heard me shame them."

- Brown Line

-- Submitted by Steph

Where they sharpen hair?

Girl: (on cell) "Yeah. I'm on my way now. I'll call you when I'm done. I'm on my way to the Hair Cutlery."

- Damen Blue Line

-- Submitted by BigTab

Or you could switch schools.

Law Student #1: "I think that one of the best things about becoming pirates is the disgrace we will cause DePaul when we eventually get caught and tell our story."

Law Student #2: "We should probably leave copies of our diplomas on every person we shoot."

Law Student #1: "Done."

- 25 East Jackson

-- Submitted by Law Student

Wednesday, December 10, 2008

The important issues.

Girl: "You knew Blago was corrupt, right?"

Guy: "He is #4 out of the last 8 to have problems. It's not like his hair made him any more solid."

Girl: "Are you kidding? He uses more product than a Cher impersonator!"

- Roosevelt University

-- Submitted by #5

Tongue tied

Guy: "Sabathia signed and he's going to be the Yankers anchee. Er Yankers anchor. Forget it. He's rich. Fuck off."

- CNA Building

-- Submitted by Heath

What do you get in return?

Woman: (on cell) "Do you know what you're paying me? You're a bitch and 13 cents!"

- Michigan Ave

-- Submitted by Lazer

Tuesday, December 09, 2008

Here comes the fallout. Thanks Rod!

Guy: (on cell) "'In Rod we trust,' my ass. His name should be Ratan."

- Red Line

-- Submitted by E-Claire

TSA: We treat you like royalty!

(Guy tries walking through the metal detector while talking on his phone.)

TSA Guy #1: "Hold up! You can't go through here on that! (to the other inspector) Hey, do you see this guy! He tried to go through ON his phone!"

TSA Guy #2: "He still has his shoes on too! What kind of an idiot does that?''

TSA Guy #1: "This one! That's who!"

- O'Hare

-- Submitted by LN

You'll probably hit a cheek.

Thug: "I'm gonna beat yo' ass in the face!"

- #12 Roosevelt

-- Submitted by Elena

Friday, December 05, 2008

Attention: I'm going to become a mail carrier!

Boss: "The mail carrier is on vacation again!?"

Assistant: "I know"

Boss: "You know all they do is stay home and fuck each other."

- Office in Chicago

-- Submitted by Anonymous

He had to tell her for a reason, right?

Girl: "...and I'm afraid I'd lose him in the crowd."

Guy: "Why don't you get a tracker?"

Girl: "Like they do with seals and penguins?"

Guy: "Yeah. Except get one you don't have to shoot him with."

- Park Ridge

-- Submitted by Ben

Take blame? HA!

Guy: (on cell) "I have no control over your middle finger, Rob. So stop blaming me for your fights!"

- Green Line

-- Submitted by Janey

Thursday, December 04, 2008

I hate this guy. A lot.

Guy: "Think I should get playoff tickets?"

Girl: "Didn't you just ask me for grocery money?"

Guy: "Right. Because I can't take food money out of the fun funds."

- Metra Union Pacific West

-- Submitted by For Real?

Asked and answered.

Girl #1: "Ask him out. What's the worst he can say?"

Girl #2: "He can say 'Go out with a diseased whore who has daddy issues? Pass.'"

- Loyola Water Tower Campus

-- Submitted by Ramblin' Man

Either way, call back.

Guy: (on cell) "I'm walking under the 'L,' so if the phone goes silent I either lost signal or a train fell on my head."

- Roosevelt and State

-- Submitted byLucy

Wednesday, December 03, 2008

Which one makes you think people care?

Woman: "Oh, she was responding to my LiveJournal entry from the other day. I actually have three LiveJournals. One's my life journal, for updates on my regular life. The other is my angsty 'I hate the world' journal. And the third is the 'I'm smarter than everyone else' introspective journal."

- House of Noodles Sushi

-- Submitted by Sickboy

Wait 'til Monday.

Girl #1: "I have to go to work today."



Girl #2: "Why on the weekend?"



Girl #1: "I forgot to fire someone yesterday."



- 151 bus



-- Submitted by tj

Uh. 3.

Girl: "...and I don't even know how to go about getting a threesome together!"

Guy: "Well, how many people could we be talking about here?"

- Northwestern

-- Submitted by Jakey

Tuesday, December 02, 2008

Facebook Fan Page

There is now an Overheard in Chicago Fan Page on Facebook.

Become a fan, friend me, stare lovingly at the page. Your choice!

Half plucked, half feathered

Guy (in a hat): "I just got a haircut. I'm not so sure about it."

Girl: "I think you should come over tomorrow sans hat so I can properly judge for myself!"

Guy: "My head looks like a 14lb turkey."

Girl: "Before or after it got plucked?"

- Hoffman Estates

-- Submitted by Julie

But it's PERFECT!

(after watching "perfect" pushup commercial)

Girl: "Do they think saying 'laminated workout cards' in a fast, raspy voice makes them any more than crappy? And how many different workouts can you get a pushup?"

- UIC

-- Submitted by Carol

That's comforting.

Guy: (on cell) "No, no, it's ok. Don't worry. I'll eat your heart."

- Congress and Wabash

-- Submitted by Molly

Monday, December 01, 2008

I love double entendres!

Girl: "I'm much better at pool when I'm drunk."

Guy: "Must be your penchant for alcohol assisted, indiscriminate pole selection."

- Northwestern

-- Submtted by Helene

Because fingernails aren't made of metal. Psycho.

Woman: (on cell) "Jen? Jenny?! Oh my god! My fingernails broke. No! Three of them! I need to go call my therapist. Why does this always happen?!?"

- North Side

-- Submitted by Rebecca

It could kinda be a contest.

Guy #1: "What kind of contest is it?"

Guy #2: "A 'you're fat' so shut up."

Guy #1: "That's not a contest. Jerk."

- South Loop

-- Submited by Newb

Wednesday, November 26, 2008

Happy Thanksgiving!!

Guy: ''Well, there's no chance I'll have THAT music stuck in my head for the next three days.''

Girl: ''It's modern opera - it is what it is.''

Guy: ''Yeah. What it is, is sucky.''

- Lyric Opera lobby during intermission

-- Submitted by misterb

(Back on Monday!)

Honesty: not always the best policy.

Woman: (on cell) "You can't bring your parents because they smell. Happy, Dean?"

- Union Station

-- Submitted by Felipe

No. It's not.

Girl: "My eyes are killing me. I think I have pink eye. Can you check?"

Guy: "Sure."

(Girl closes her eyes.)

Guy: "Open your eyes."

Girl: "No. It's on my eyelid!"

- DePaul

-- Submitted by Lara

Tuesday, November 25, 2008

Fun night?

Girl: (on cell) "Hi Chrissy, it's Jenny. Sorry I didn't call you back last night. I completely blacked out. I woke up with a party hat on and cigarette butt holes all over the place. I'm on my way to Taco Bell now, but give me a call later and let me know what's going on....."

- #22 Clark Bus

-- Submitted by Dtrain

Really. What a moron.

Guy #1: "We should make up our own language. Like Klingon!"

Guy #2: "Why not learn Klingon?"

Guy #1: "Already been done, idiot!"

- Northwestern

-- Submitted by Lasso

So stop. Or will your mom get mad?

Guy: (on cell) "I'm tired of clenching my damn abs, mom!"

- Jackson and State

-- Submitted by Benn

Monday, November 24, 2008

That's gratitude.

Woman #1: "Hey, can you give me any change?"

Woman #2: "No, I've got nothing. Sorry."

Woman #1: "That's okay--BITCH-ASS!"

- Lawrence and Broadway

-- Submitted by Spinner

Raise your hand if you need to look up 'pederast' on google.

Grizzled Man: (On Cell) "They can't call you a pederast just because that kid says you're a pederast. Well, at least it was a nice funeral."

-Blue Line

-- Submitted by Tom

If you're not part of the solution...

Guy: "A lot of people are starting to worry about inflation."

Girl: "What's inflation?"

Guy: "It's when the value of money goes up."

Girl: "Oh."

(The guy starts explaining inflation in detail, all of which is wrong.)

Guy: "So basically its like everything is on sale."

Girl: "You're complicated."

- University of Chicago

-- Submitted by Steve Sp

Thursday, November 20, 2008

Sound advice from a guy in the know

Homeless Guy: "If I'm the auto dudes, I'm going to Congress and askin' for 50 trillion dollars. You gotta start 'um high and work 'um down. Business basics, man. That's why they failin'.''

- Wacker and Jackson

-- Submitted by Bob

This woman is probably awesome to hang out with

Angry Woman: "If that bitch ask to see my I.D. one more time, I'm goin' crazy. I don't look like no 21 year old and you are NOT putting lameass 'you look young' compliment on me. Ho."

- West Side

-- Submitted by Noah

She needs to try chewing a bear.

Girl: "I wish gummi bears were more gum than mi bears. Then I could blow gum bear bubbles."

- Niles West High School

-- Submitted by Greg

Wednesday, November 19, 2008

I prefer the one about the furry lobster.

Girl: "Turn the radio up! This is that song about the balding shrimp!"

- Deerfield High School

-- Submitted by Kyle

Good luck with that.

Student #1: "This semester my goal is straight A's."

Student #2: "That's mozt students' goal."

Student #1: "Right. But I don't want to read the books. Or go to class. Or do anything really."

- Loyola University

-- Submitted by Chief

Nothing like free grossburgers.

Woman: "As long as people keep handing in these Burger King wallets, I'm going to eat like a queen!"

Man: "Who'll be dead in a weak from nasty ass, Grade F meat."

- CTA Subway Security, off Michigan Ave.

-- Submitted by Randy

Tuesday, November 18, 2008

But only once.

Girl: "My mom is a high risk person. If you tell her to jump off a bridge into a spiked rock valley, she probably try it."

- Northwestern University

-- Submitted by Drama

Uh....ok.

Guy: "Your arm is so unnatural. I love it."

- Red Line

-- Submitted by Rebecca

That's not OSHA compliant.

Guy: "I'm thinking of going heel at work. Cuttin' promos and shit."

Girl: "Take a breather, Stone Cold. Your boss will body slam you."

- Michigan Ave.

-- Submitted by Matt

Monday, November 17, 2008

Well, did you see them?

Receptionist: "I booked you in the small conference room, but someone just snuck in there while I wasn't looking. I don't know who it is."

Employee: "Well, who is it?"

Receptionist: "I don't know, they snuck in while I wasn't looking."

Employee: "Well, when are they going to be done?"

Receptionist: "I don't know, they snuck in there while I wasn't looking."

- Downtown Office

-- Submitted by Tekie

You won't know until you check.

Guy: (on cell) "Well, I don't know then, honey. I'm sure 'raggy bitch' won't be in the dictionary."

- Blue Line

-- Submitted by Aghast

Seriously. Our future.

Girl: "We want Terminator 2 Sarah Connor."

Librarian: "You mean the older movie with Schwarzenegger?"

Guy: "No, the one on TV."

Librarian: "The Sarah Connor Chronicles? The TV show?"

Guy: "Yeah, that one."

Librarian: "Ok, we don't have it, but I can order season 1 for you."

Girl: "No, we want season 2"

Librarian: "You mean the one that's on tv right now?"

Guy: "Yeah, that one."

Librarian: "It's on TV. It's not on DVD yet."

Guy and Girl: ...

Librarian: "They don't release the DVDs for a season until after the season is over."

Guy: "You mean you can't just get it for us? Like burn it onto a DVD for us?"

- Riverside Library

-- Submitted by Kimmi

Friday, November 14, 2008

Way to stay on the wagon

Woman: "I don't drink too much. I haven't had any since...today."

- Fox & Hound, Bloomingdale

--Submitted by Loeds

The dress probably doesn't fit.

Guy: (on cell) "So I have one bad day and the whole joint is on my ass. I can't always be Mary fuckin' Poppins people.''

- Metra Milwaukee District North Line.

-- Submitted by Frankie

This girl is a brain

Girl #1: ''What do you think of the yellow lights in here?''

Girl #2: 'They're awesome. Now I know what it's like to be Asian!''

- Ladies' room at Sonotheque

-- Submitted byNicole

Thursday, November 13, 2008

Chicago hotel hospitality.

Concierge: "Can I help you, sir?"

Guy: "Do I have to be staying here for you to help me?"

Concierge: "We prefer it that way, sir."

Guy: "So that means..."

Concierge: "It's a polite way of telling people to take a hike."

- Downtown Hotel

-- Submitted by Carla

Either way you're studying anatomy

Guy #1 : "Let's go study."

Guy #2: "I'm not in the mood. ''

Guy #1: "Then...?"

Guy #2: "Amateur porn?"

Guy #1: "Make or watch?"

Guy #2: "Your call."

- UIC

-- Submitted by Flame On!

I bet it was.

Guy: (on cell) "Sitting his urine was gross."

-Blue Line

--submitted by Howard

Wednesday, November 12, 2008

The guy is obviously a brown-noser (drum fill)

Guy: (on cell) "No. There was a toilet paper rip. I saw the leg lift. Then, without another T.P. rip, there was nose blowing. I was mortified."

- Green Line

-- Submitted by Papas Fritas

Technology wasted

Woman: (on blackberry) "I need directions to your place. Yeah. But my phone can't just figure out what restaurant we're going to. Yeah, but I don't know the address! Google it where?! Oh."

- Michigan and Jackson

-- Submitted by Sammy

Red alert!

McDonald's Employee: "Yo! Get over here! These Diet Cokes is ALLLL fucked up!"

- McCormick Place

--Submitted by Spinner

Tuesday, November 11, 2008

She's a catch, guys. Line forms to the left.

Guy: "So why are you here?"

Girl: "To make sure I really don't want to date."

Guy: "And?"

Girl: "There's too much 'poor loser' in here for me to find a husband."

- Speed dating, North Side

-- Submitted by Carol

Slater?

Guy: "From now on, I'm only going to date girls who are into the real me. The fake me was way too 'Zack Morris.'"

- Joe's on Weed Street

-- Submitted by Atari

She yapped on about Xenu with a hot accent.

Guy: "The last prostitute I had sex with was a South African Scientologist."



- Downtown



-- Submiited by Sara

Monday, November 10, 2008

What's back surgery when chocolate is involved?

Girl #1: "I think it'd be great if it snows a ton."

Girl #2: "Wouldn't Ron have to shovel before work?"

Girl #1: "Right."

Girl #2: "His back would be screaming."

Girl #1: "Right. But he'd make hot chocolate for both of us."

- Old Orchard Shopping Center

-- Submitted by Willie

That's the ONLY way??

Guy: (on cell) "The only way I'm getting out of that job is if I crap on Joe's desk, but then I'd be risking my unemployment benefits."

- Red Line

-- Submitted by Saul

It's not a challenge.

Guy: "Don't do it."

Girl: "Why not?"

Guy: "You're scandalous!"

Girl: "If that's what it takes to ruin his life, I accept the challenge."

- DePaul

-- Submitted by Janine

Friday, November 07, 2008

Walk away slowly and maintain eye contact.

Girl: "I'm just tired of being grumpy."

Guy: "Maybe you're pregnant."

Girl: "Maybe YOU'RE pregnant!"

Guy: How can that be possible?"

Girl: "Because I said so. Now shut the hell up or I'll grumpify your life."

- Grant Park

-- Submitted by Face

Mostly indeed.

Female Sales Rep: "So after talking to several people today i have come to the realization that guys are much nicer on the phone than women. They are also more likely to buy cable. I have had 31 male customers and 16 female customers. Why do you suppose that is?"

Male Supervior: "I think it's more that you're a girl and most guys pick up on that. And you sound 'nice' on the phone. See Audrey, men always have an alterior motive, whereas women unfortunately do not....mostly."

- Chicago Office

-- Submitted by Ania

Amongst other things.

Kid: "Why do they have grass in there?"

Mom: "'Cause people drink it."

- Jamba Juice

-- Submitted by Courtney

Thursday, November 06, 2008

Wait...WHAT!?!?

Guy: "...there's nothing to worry about. Women are just men without penises."

- Roosevelt University

-- Submitted by Grant

Keep waiting

Guy: (yelling) "He's not the winner until Fox News declares it!"

- Obama Grant Park rally

-- Submitted by Molly

And he stole the Hope Diamond

Guy: (selling Obama T-Shirts) "Barack Obama will stimulate the economy. He's stimulating my economy right now!"

- 53rd and Lake Park

-- Submitted by Crystal

Wednesday, November 05, 2008

No one likes paperwork.

Cop #1: "There are a lot of people out here. He'd better win or they going to be pissed."

Cop #2: "Tonight is either going to be a crowd deafening celebration or a riot of biblical proportion."

Cop #1: "If we build an ark real quick, we could float away on the lake."

Cop #2: "Nah. Then we'd have to explain why weren't clubbing rioters."

- Grant Park

-- Submitted by Patienne

Mothers: Crushing dreams one little boy at a time.

Boy: "Mom? We're underwater. Does that mean we're mermaids?"

Mom: "No. Mermaids are girls."

- Shedd Aquarium

-- Submitted by Innocent Bystander

Better than the baby.

Woman: "GET OUT! He's like, humping it! MY DIAPER BAG IS BEING VIOLATED BY THAT SQUIRREL!"

- Lakeview Park

-- Submitted by Dan

Tuesday, November 04, 2008

Go vote

Drunk Guy: (seeing two guys dressed as Winnie the Pooh and Tigger) "Tigger and Pooh for love! That's like Jesus and...Jesus!"

- North Clark bar

-- Submitted by Patrick

Go vote

Girl: "Dude I'm a fucking panda. A drunk fucking panda!"

- South Loop

-- Submittedbg Patrick

Go vote

Woman: (bending down to pick up crushed candy from the street) "Ain't no shame in my game! I like sweets!"

- Magnificent Mile

-- Submitted by Leigh

Thursday, October 30, 2008

This time??

Ripped Guy: "Karaoke was so bad, I needed to make out with a fat chick. I wasn't even disgusted with myself this time."

- Lifetime Fitness, Schaumburg

-- Submitted by Justin

(I'll be unavailable until Monday; updates Tuesday)

For the weird Chippendale's Dancer costume??

Man: "Yeah. All you need are purple leather pants and a bowtie. Who knew?"

- Loop quick service restaurant

-- Submitted by Dan

She should really learn to express herself

Angry Lady: (on cell) "I KNOW it's the last day for early voting, because you already emailed me. Twice. And you IMed me from work at least once a day. And you tell me every time we get together. It's getting to the point where I'm going to be not-voting as a protest against these constant reminders. Stop it, really. I know my civic duty and I'm going to do my civic duty, I'm proud that I can vote. And I know that if I don't vote, we'll get Bush 2.1 and I am too black, too Jewish, and too fucking gay to want him or Soccer Mom Pornstar trying to run my life. Please let it go. Jesus.''

- California and Devon

-- Submitted by Right On, Sister

Tuesday, October 28, 2008

Stop licking the walls

Girl: (on cell) " Stop using my deodorant as air freshener! The whole place tastes gross!"

-Red Line

-- Submitted by Merril

This explains the current crisis

Broker: "You can learn alot from watching CNBC and listening to Jim Krammer ."

- Michigan Ave Brokerage House

-- Submitted by AJ

Count me in

Guy: ''Hey, let me tell you something: It's not a real party if it doesn't have Ditka in a Speedo."

-Walgreen's, Downtown

-- Submitted by Amber

Monday, October 27, 2008

And accepts it. Because it won't happen.

Guy: (on cell) "If I meet an asian midget that wants to sleep with me, it's not considered cheating. My wife knows the rule."

- Brown Line

-- Submitted by Jerry

Ingrate.

Early Trick-or-Treater: (given microwave popcorn) "Oh. So we're out of candy now?"

- Merz Apothecary, Lincoln Square

-- Submitted by Lorna

Not exactly.

Guy: "You know what they say. A lot of people, a lot of problems. A few people, a lot more problems."

- 333 W. Wacker

-- Submitted by Kyle

Friday, October 24, 2008

Mace.

Drunk Guy: "What'll it take to make you happy?"

Girl: "Same thing it'll take to make you go away."

- Dugan's

-- Submitted by Rach

Yes. It is.

Guy: "I called her when I was leaving my house, she said she was getting ready. I called her from my car, she said she just finished showering. I called her from 5 minutes from her house, she said everything was good. I get to her place and call her and she told me she wasn't going. Ain't that some shit?"

- Evanston

-- Submitted by KT

Drooling upside-down?

Girl: (on cell) "How do you spit on your own forehead?"

- Green Line

-- Submitted by Victor

Thursday, October 23, 2008

And then complain?

Girl: (on cell) "...And that's what kills me. Everytime she wants to talk she doesn't say anything and she gets drunk. And then she says she didn't say anything because she was drunk. Well where else are we supposed to talk, my place? Right. Her place. That makes sense. Where would we drink?"

- O'hare

-- Submitted by Lona

That's not smart.

Guy #1: "You know Spanish, right?"

Guy #2: "Yup."

Guy #1: "So if I say something in Spanish, you'd understand me?"

Guy #2: "Probably."

Guy #1: (speaks Spanish for a few seconds) "So what did I say?"

Guy #2: "Something about you getting your teeth broken in."

- Red Line

-- Submitted by Jam

Than they'd be spirits, not spiritual.

Guy #1: "It's spiritual. It's a spiritual thing. You need to show them that. The only way to give them that deep hunger, that need for something to fill their belly, is to show them the way. You have to have an appearance."

Guy #2: "Or don't let them eat. Ever."

- South Loop

-- Submitted by Halo

Wednesday, October 22, 2008

Mine would, too

Dude #1: "Time to go home, slap the dog, and kiss the wife. Or something like that.''

Dude #2: "Man. Your wife would beat your ass and then have the dog bent it, too."

- Red Line

-- Submitted by Mario

Awwwww....but the bottle....awwww.

Girl #1: (on cell) "I'm drinking Orangina."*pause* "I would, but I'm in public."

- Nordstroms, Michigan Ave.

-- Submitted by Victoria

A man with values...

Guy #1: "The sound is the best part! I'll never go to California, I can't drive my Mustang there."

Guy #2: "It's going to start looking like California around here in a few weeks."

Guy #1: [Nodding] "Well, they'll never take my Mustang. "

- Panera, Glenview

-- Submitted byDan

Tuesday, October 21, 2008

I wasn't there. Woo Hoo!

Girl: "Thanks for bringing me. It's like a who's who of jerks in here."

- DePaul House Party

-- Submitted by Vandoo

It could be.

Guy: (on cell) "Trust me: Being fat definitely is NOT amazing."

- Michigan Ave.

-- Submitted by Jakey

I don't think they're friends.

Woman #1: "How old are they?"

Woman #2: "Old enough for you to shut up."

- Doctor's Office, North Side

-- Submitted by Paula

Monday, October 20, 2008

Mom is a bit repressed.

Little girl: "I don't understand why they make fancy bras, mom."

Mom: "They just do, now be quiet."

Little Girl: (touching lace panties) "But I don't get it. Is this what Daddy likes you to wear?"

Mom: "MOLLY! STOP TALKING!"

- Victoria's Secret, Michigan Ave

-- Submitted by April

She's a brunette. And the moose would be pissed.

Bar Guy #1: "You know. The craziest thing that could happen would be McCain gets elected, he dies, and then Palin becomes president just as some crazy national disaster hits. She has to mediate among terrorists, travel, and meet with all these world leaders, but she manages to diffuse the tensions by suggesting everyone comes to Alaska for a moose hunt or something. The good thing ends in a wave of good feeling and world wide accord. Crazy, eh?"

Bar Guy #2: "I think that's called 'Legally Blonde 3.'"

- Johnny O'Hagans

-- Submitted by Erica

In some cases, that's both.

Guy: "You ain't talkin' English! You talkin' stupid!"

- Wrigleyville

-- Submitted by ILC

Wednesday, October 15, 2008

You'll know.

Girl #1: "I'm going for a bike ride."

Girl #2: "It's cold out. I'm just gonna lift."

Girl #1: "But who's going to tell me when a tree is right in front of me?"

- Northwestern University

-- Submitted by Eclair

Ding, ding, ding. We have a winner.

Guy: "Can I get you a drink?"

Girl: "Sure. Get me a cyanide on the rocks, and you can drink it."

Guy: "But that's buying myself a drink."

- Funky Buddha

-- Submitted by Baldo

Someone's grumpy.

Guy: (on cell) "If I go in to work today and don't kill anyone, I'll be shocked."

- Metra South Shore

-- Submitted by Yaz

Tuesday, October 14, 2008

At least she's honest about her emotional problems.

Girl #1: "You should get that dress."

Girl #2: "I don't know if it'll fit."

Girl #1: "Try it on."

Girl #2: "No way. I'd rather cry when I get home and then return it later."

- Lord and Taylor, Old Orchard

-- Submitted by Xena

She really, really regrets it.

Guy #1: "I can't believe you slept with Loryn."

Guy #2: "She can't believe it either."

Guy #1: "She's at home all fetal, isn't she?"

Guy #2: "She's probably gone zygote."

- Northwestern Campus

-- Submitted by Paul E.

They're screwed.

Guy: (on cell) "I'm going to need a backup of the backup. Well, what about the other backup? Damn it."

- Red Line

-- Submitted by Matt

Monday, October 13, 2008

He need much bigger pants for a bed.

Girl: "Oh my god! Is that the guy that stole our bed?"

Guy: "Look at how tight those pants are! He can't steal anything."

- Diversey and Southport

-- Submitted by Sam

Better than Wesley Snipes style.

Guy: (on cell) "You're in too deep! Like, Omar Epps style!"

- Diversey

-- Submitted by GK

So he needs an I.V.

Guy: "New Rule: Everytime you're not drinking, you have to take a drink."

- Arlington Heights

-- Submitted by Ropi

Friday, October 10, 2008

Someone is getting commission.

Guy: "You want a sandwich?"

Girl: "Where you going?"

Guy: "Subway."

Girl: "Which one?"

Guy: "The one around the corner."

Girl: "It better be the one where Javy is at. If it's not and you go to the other one, then you're a dead man."

- LaSalle Office

-- Submitted by Indigo

You'd get pretty hungry...until you died.

Guy #1: "...and I'm supposed to fast for 24 hours. That'll help me lose a couple extra."

Guy #2: "If you want to lose more weight, you'll fast for a million hours."

- Green Line

-- Submitted by Nosey

That usually doesn't work.

Girl: (on cell) "...and the instructor was super creepy. I think he was trying to prove that he wasn't gay by being super gay. It was pretty counter productive."

- Michigan and 9th

-- Submitted by Red

Wednesday, October 08, 2008

That's definitive.

Girl #1: "You going to work out today?"

Girl #2: "Yes."

Girl #1: "When?"

Girl #2: "Right after I don't work out."

- UIC

-- Submitted by Victor

No posts tomorrow. Yom Kippur.

Guy code says you shouldn't look.

Guy: (on cell) "Hey, hon. Hold on. The electricians are bringing their huge pipes into the locker room."

- West Side Fitness Center

-- Submitted by Trey

A little harsh.

Guy #1: "You ready for hockey season?"

Guy #2: "Almost as ready as I am for sulphuric acid in my eye season."

- Red Line

-- Submitted by Carla

Tuesday, October 07, 2008

Someone get some gauze and super glue!

Lady: "Oh. My. God. Deb, I'm hemorrhaging like nobody's business."

- Oak Brook Office

-- Submitted by Spinner

Better than a live one, eh?

Girl: "Who ate a dead skunk?"

- Washington Library bathroom

-- Submitted by Telayah

The economy effects everything. Even your junk.

Guy #1: "Do you think they are going to lay people off?"

Guy #2: "Of course they are. It's a necessity."

Guy #1: "You think they're going to do a severance package?"

Guy #2: "You might have your package severed, but that's about all."

- Downtown Office

-- Submitted by Chuck

Monday, October 06, 2008

You're just going to confuse Batman.

Guy #1: "What time is dinner?"

Guy #2: "Later in the evening."

Guy #1: "But what time?"

Guy #2: "I don't know. I'll know more in a couple days."

Guy #1: "Well then what time should I be there?"

Guy #2: "We'll just turn on the damn bat signal, okay?"

- Lincoln Park

-- Submitted by Karl

Someone's talking to Congress.

Man: (on cell) "Don't call me because you're having a mortgage meltdown because you're a moronic idiot."

- Monroe Harbor

-- Submitted by Melissa

Too avoid further, intelligent conversation.

Goth Guy: "...yeah, but an anarchist is just totally 'no authority.' I am just the opposite of whatever religion is mainstream."

Goth Girl: "Yeah."

Goth Guy: "Like in America it's Christianity, so what's the opposite of that? Satan."

Goth Girl: "Yeah."

Goth Guy: "Yeah."

Goth Girl: "Yeah. Me too. But most of the time I just tell people I'm agnostic."

- Red Line

-- Submitted by Patrick

Friday, October 03, 2008

So can you sell your feet on ebay, then?

Guy: "Why would anyone pay 800 dollars for shoes?"

Girl: "They're Jimmy Choo's!"

Guy: "They're eight hundred freaking dollars!!! My feet aren't worth that much. The patent leather on them shouldn't cost any more!"

Girl: "They inherently make your feet's value more than they're actually worth."

- Nordstrom's, Downtown

-- Submitted by Jan

February 7th

Guy: "When did 'whore' become the new 'hot?'"

- Macy's, Skokie

-- Submitted by Klair

Except it's trademarked.

Bus Goer: "Snap, crackle, pop! Snap, crackle, pop! HA! Those Rice Krispies got nothin' on us. We the ones goin' snap, crackle, pop!"

- #4 Cottage Grove Bus

-- Submitted by Diana

Thursday, October 02, 2008

What if it's in hot dog buns?

Guy: (on phone) "You had me until you said 'tuna.' You can't eat tuna while you're watching baseball."

- Oak Brook cubicle maze

-- Submitted by Spinner

Mean Girls was definitely awful.

Girl: (on cell) "We were all leaving class just crying. It was so Mean Girls. It was awful."

- Southport

-- Submitted by Haynes

Can one pony play cornerback?

Drunk Guy: "These guys don't deserve Metallica! They deserve My Little Pony!"

- Soldier Field

-- Submitted by Mg

Monday, September 29, 2008

And a huge bank account.

Girl: "Any girl's a sucker for four gigs of RAM."

- Red Line

-- Submitted by Switch

Do NOT sit next to her.

Woman: (on cell) "I barely made it. Thank goodness I travel with my pocket lavatory."

- O'Hare Airport

-- Submitted by yes

God is sweet and tasty?

Guy: "Look. Your conclusions about God can't be induced from what you're saying about the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man."

- University of Chicago

-- Submitted by Student

Friday, September 26, 2008

He...eats...stiletto's?

Woman: (on cell) "...you think so, Ron? Well, maybe I'd be nicer if you stopped staring at my shoes like they were for dinner. THINK ABOUT IT!"

- Red Line

-- Submitted by Rider

2,000 posts! YAAAAY!

Girl: (on cell) "My daughter keeps kicking the crap out of other girls. I mean, she's only 4. I'm concerned that once she can hold up an axe, she's going to do jail time."

- Bronzeville

-- Submitted by Alan

Eating or pooping?

Girl #1: "I need another colon cleansing."

Girl #2: "Through the mouth or through the butt?"

- Lincoln Park

-- Submitted by Jessica

Thursday, September 25, 2008

Then it would be Jewish New Week.

Guy #1: "Can you play racquetball on Monday?"

Guy #2: "No, I can't. It's the Jewish New Year."

Guy #1: "Is that every Monday?"

- Boeing Building

-- Submitted by Victor

Mad or injured?

Guy #1: "Will you get mad if I tell you a racist joke?"

Guy #2: "Will you get mad if I give you a racist punch in the throat?"

- Sears Tower

-- Submitted by Will E.

Where would he keep it?

Guy: (on cell) "Well, did you tell her that the giraffe wasn't yours?"

- Walgreens, South Loop

-- Submitted by Tia

Wednesday, September 24, 2008

Or you can just check it.

(Loud music playing)

Girl #1: "I think my cell phone is ringing!"

Girl #2: "How can you hear it?"

Girl #1: "It's woman's intuition!"

- University of Chicago

-- Submitted by Kyle

...by the smell.

Guy: "I'm wearing the same outfit I wore last night, but I'm switching shoes. The ladies will be amazed."

- Lincoln Park

-- Submitted by Con

You mean "classy?"

Girl: (on cell) "No, mom. His TV was on boxes. NO! Cardboard. I'm not sleeping with that kind of guy."

- Logan Square

-- Submitted by Melinda

Tuesday, September 23, 2008

Isn't Bigfoot a dude?

(Guy has large red mark on his shoulder.)

Guy #1: "What happened to your shoulder?"

Guy #2: "Must have carried something that dug into it."

Guy #1: "Or someONE must have dug into it."

Guy #2: "Unless I'm nailing Bigfoot, that's not a person's scratch mark."

- Lifetime Fitness, Schaumburg

-- Submitted by Freddy

That's poor customer service.

Girl: "What are you doing this weekend?"

Guy: "I have to work."

Girl: "Can I come visit you?"

Guy: "No. My workplace kills visitors on arrival."

- Lalo's

-- Submitted by Carolina

Street free agents: You can't win with um....

(Cell phone rings)

Bears Fan #1: "HOLD ON! SHUT UP! This may be the bears calling me so that I can play defense!"

Bears Fan #2: "You're not going to get the money you deserve! Tell them you're holding out!"

- Soldier Field

-- Submitted by Dang Bears!

Monday, September 22, 2008

The ginger kid ain't laughin'

Guy #1: "He's a red head and he only has one nut."

Guy #2: "How did it happen? Was he born that way?"

Guy #1: "No, but it wasn't cancer. So it's funny."

- Lakeview

-- Submitted by Derek E.

Brittany hopes she means the Swedish glam band. I hope her friends aren't this stupid.

Middle-aged Woman: "Well, you know, Europe's been around for a while."

- Lincoln and Warner

-- Submitted by Brittany

It's like her own, personal lottery.

Girl: "Oh my God, I am so excited to be wearing sweats!"

- Michigan and 11th

-- Submitted by Cole

Thursday, September 18, 2008

It's just as important a question.

Guy: "Who do you think is going to win the election? I mean, who are you going to vote for?"

Girl: "I don't talk politics."

Guy: "Okay then. Which one of the candidates would you sleep with, VP's included?"

- Blue Line

-- Submitted by Shana

In that order.

Man: "I want to get addicted to heroin and watch girls basketball."

- DePaul Lincoln Park

-- Submitted by Allison

For the hamburger in your pocket?

Chicagoan: "Why the fuck do I have mustard in my pocket?"

- Outside of the Full Shilling, Wrigleyville

-- Submitted by Urban-Etiquette

Wednesday, September 17, 2008

One sided coins are worthless, anyway.

CTA-er: "There's two sides to that coin, and I like both sides."

- Red Line

-- Submitted by Urban Etiquette

(Sorry about the lack of posts that past couple days. Weather issues.)

All things being equal....

Woman: "Did you place flood?"

Man: "No, but the yard was a disaster."

Woman: "Our whole basement flooded out. We lost everything down there."

Man: "I know how you feel. My flowers are toast, and I'll never get those things back."

- Metra MDN Line

-- Submitted by Jesse

Someone's been pre-partying.

Guy #1: "You want to come over for the Monday Night game?"

Guy #2: "When does it start?"

Guy #1: "Kickoff."

- DePaul University

-- Submitted by Ray

Friday, September 12, 2008

The best medication is love. And naps.

(Toddler squirming at a restaurant)

Guy: "So what medication is your daughter on again?"

Mom: "It's a little something I call hungrycrankyovertired."

- Joy's Noodles

-- Submitted by I Prefer Ritalin

Sympathy

(woman sobbing at computers)

Guy: "Excuse me?"

Woman: "Yes?"

Guy: "Are you using that computer?"

Woman: "I'm CRYING, asshole. Why can't you ask me what's wrong?"

Guy: "Because that won't help me check my email."

- Northwestern

-- Submitted by Shawl

True. But it's better than them eating you.

Student: "The polar bears are eating each other. It's not good."

- Depaul Lincoln Park Campus

-- Submitted by Allison

Thursday, September 11, 2008

Oh Man! Did you get his autograph?

(During introduction activity on first day of class)

Girl #1: "...and one interseting thing I did this summer was was I spent 6 weeks in Japan."

Girl #2: "Did you see Yao Ming?!"

Girl #1: "Um. I think he's, uh. Isn't he Chinese?"

Professor: "Well then I guess he was on vacation!"

Girl #1: "Right. But I didn't see him."

- DePaul University

-- Submitted by Not Even A Basketball Fan

What shade of brown would that be?

Guy: (looking at his beer) "I like this color because it doesn't naturally occur in nature."

- McGee's

-- Submitted by I'll Stick to My 312

What if she was making out with another chick?

Guy: "There is absolutely no situation in which I can think it proper for me to view your junk in action. Jessica Alba could be spread eagle in front of us, and I would turn it down if it meant seeing you naked."

- Blackie's, Naperville

-- Submitted by Lloyd

Wednesday, September 10, 2008

What does nouveau chic smell like?

Girl #1: "I love the smell of this place."

Girl #2: "Yeah. It's like nouveau chic meets peppermint ice cream."

- Abercrombie and Fitch, Old Orchard

-- Submitted by Tanya

I hope he was old.

Trainer: "You need to get on the treadmill until I die."

- Downtown Fitness Center

-- Submitted by TTT

Water and electricity don't really go hand in hand.

Guy: (on cell) "Tell the electrician to check the plumbing. (waits) That's bullcrap! Tell him a pipe is a pipe!"

- Green Line

-- Submitted by Matt

Tuesday, September 09, 2008

That's a lethal combination.

Guy: (on cell) "No, dear. I've got the phone on my shoulder, the papers in my left hand, and I'm trying to open my string cheese with my right hand. I have to hang up because the last thing I want to be known as is the dumbass who got hit by a bus because he couldn't open his food container."

- Michigan and Roosevelt

-- Submitted by Shira

Who's pants were wetter?

Girl: (on cell) "I'm just going to say he was a sweaty sleeper because I can't accept the possiblity that he pee'd the bed."

- Bucktown

-- Submitted by I Don't Want To Know

Indeed what? I'm so confused.

Guy #1: "What it is?"

Guy #2: "What it be?"

Guy #1: "What it do?"

Guy #2: "Indeed."

- South Side

-- Submitted by Red

Monday, September 08, 2008

busy busy busy. Updates (hopefully) later.

In the meantime, check out my wonderful sponsors.

Or you could always buy a shirt!

Friday, September 05, 2008

But you get cheap moisturizer, right?

Girl: "Bath and Body Works is liking working in the Seventh Circle of Hell. 5 for 25! 5 for 25! And every night, I go home smelling like a Turkish whorehouse."

- Red Line

-- Submitted by Spinner

Who needs money when you're sad?

Girl: (on cell) "I'm just not going into work anymore whenever I'm upset or unhappy in life. It just complicates things."

- Red Line

-- Submitted by Cleo

If Oprah said AIDS was good, all the yentes would go get it.

Inspired Girl: "It's called 'The Secret.' It's the best book ever. It's like, whatever you put out into the world and focus on, you get back. It's supposed to help you get anything you want out of life!"

Friend: "I don't know if believe that."

Inspired Girl: "But Oprah talked about it on her show!"

Friend: (relieved) "Oooooh. That's awesome!!"

- Columbia College

-- Submitted by Kat

Thursday, September 04, 2008

Appetizing.

Guy: (on cell) "So I had all this leftover basil after making regular pesto and decided to make creative pesto. So I added dried bananas chips, walnuts, nutmeg....No, it was crap. It looked like penguin poo...after the penguin ate a baby that ate banana chips, walnuts, nutmeg."

- Webster and Halsted

-- Submitted by Claire

New girl as in "18 year old" I hope.

Guy: "It's so awesome coming back to school. I love that new girl smell."

- UIC

-- Submitted by Rowdy

Time for the pick and flick.

Student: "I've had this booger in my nose for 45 minutes but haven't had a tissue. It's bugging me!"

- University Center Elevator

-- Submitted by Columbia Student

Wednesday, September 03, 2008

So shouldn't running be WAY easier with three legs?

Guy: "My knees are done. I need a break"

Girl: "Well then let's walk."

Guy: "No. I need to stop."

Girl: "Come on."

Guy: "No. Forget it. When I'm done, I'm getting a triple knee replacement."

- Nike Human Race

-- Submitted by Trishelle

Ben Franklin said it first, right?

Guy: (on cell) "...just stick with the motto, bro. Pianos rock. Urinals stink. Get to it, dude!"

- North Side

-- SUbmitted by Devil

It's not like you're thirty....yet.

Drunk Girl #1: "What a dick! He just wished me a happy 29th birthday!"

Drunk Girl #2: "But you just turned 29."

Drunk Girl #1: "He didn't have to remind me!"

- Southport

-- Submitted by M.J.

Tuesday, September 02, 2008

That's the one restaurant I don't want to be at.

Mother: (to younger children) "I would just like to go to ONE restaurant without you LIFTING UP MOMMY'S SKIRT!"

- Mia Francesca

-- Submitted by Bmannes

What could it be....what could it be....

Woman: "I don't know what it is, but all my ex-boyfriends end up at a strip club within a week of breaking up."

- Lawrence Beach

-- Submitted by Elizabeth

Good luck in the future, kid.

Mom: "There, take that seat there."

Son: "Nooo."

Mom: "Why? Just sit."

Son: "I don't like to sit next to people."

- 49 Bus

-- Submitted by Leah

Friday, August 29, 2008

Women are mean.

Woman #1: "What are you gonna do?"

Woman #2: "ISAIAH! I am so damned mad! When he gets home, I'm going to rip off his dick. Then I'm gonna hit 'um in the dick with his dick!"

Woman #1: "You know it!"

Woman #2: "Yeah, but he don't know it. I was all sweet on the phone, so he don't know about the hellfire."

- Uptown

-- Submitted by Spinner

Let's duke it out.

Guy: "Was it you or me that initiated the face punching in our friendship?"

- Humbolt Park

-- Submitted by Jennifer

It's always nice to hear the phone ring.

Guy: (on cell) "So should I call you later? Cool, what time? You're going to call me to tell me when I can call you? Why don't you just call me when I'm supposed to call you? So then I hang up and call you right back? But you already called me?! Fine. Just call me and we'll go from there."

- Red Line

-- Submitted by Stefan

Thursday, August 28, 2008

That one.

Little Girl: "Mommy. That lady wants to steal me! The lady wants to steal me, Mommy!"

Mom: "What are you talking about? No one wants to steal you."

Little Girl: "No, mommy, no. The lady wants to steal me! The lady wants to steal me!"

Random Woman #1: "Who are you talking about, love? We'll chase her down and beat her up."

Random Woman #2: "Don't worry, little one. Your mother has you too tightly guarded for any of us to even try."

- Salvation Army, Ashland

-- Submitted by Belinda

That's a helluva shirt.

Guy: "My shirt is colorless. Like it sapped my creative energy and then spit it out. Took my innermost feelings and destroyed them. It has removed my heart and soul, swallowing them whole."

- Columbia College

-- Submitted by Red

My name is now Jolene, and yes.

Drunk Woman: (yelling out a window) "JOLENE! JOLEEEENE! HEY, JOLENE! HEY! HEY! HEY! JOOOOOLEEEEEEEEENE! WANT TO SEE MY BOOBS?"

- Wrigleyville Dogs

-- Submitted by Haynes

Wednesday, August 27, 2008

Should have been her slogan.

Odd Lady: (to nobody) "No, no, no. I think Hilary should win. One, she's smart. Two, she's pretty. And b, she's already married to the president."

- 74 Fullerton Bus

-- Submitted by Lonely Rider

$10,000 will last you abou...wait, mountains?

Girl: "Well, after I get my bachelor's degree, I need to save up about $10,000. I'm going to move places, but not be a tourist. I'm going to live there. I want to go to New York first, then down to Massachusetts where Thoreau supposedly lived for a while. Then I'll head back to Illinois, so I can see the mountains. After that, I'll go to the northwest, except for Washington. Then California, Texas, and back to Chicago."

- Brown Line

-- Submitted by Julia

I have the same problem.

Guy: "Can you carry this grocery bag?"

Little Girl: "No. It's too heavy."

Guy: "I thought you were lifting weights!"

Little Girl: "I do lift weights. I just ain't got no muscles!"

- Streeterville, Elevator

-- Submitted by Claire

Tuesday, August 26, 2008

Good luck.

Guy: "I need a new shirt. Something cool and sleek and airy. Something girls will love. It needs to be like a designer label."

Girl: "Where do you want to shop?"

Guy: "Somewhere cheap."

- Columbia College

-- Submitted by Carlos

Everyone but you.

Guy: "That's just stupid. Having Sunday papers for sale on Saturday. Who gives a shit what's going to happen tomorrow?"

- Oak Park

-- Submitted by Karen

And there's not one church for them anywhere.

Woman #1: "Praise God. We have to go take care of our great uncle tonight. He's in the hospital with pneumonia."

Woman #2: "I'm sorry he's sick."

Woman #1: "Yeah. We ahve to see if he can talk."

Woman #2: "Why?"

Woman #1: "Because we need to see if he's been saved. Praise God!"

Woman #2: "Didn't he go to church?"

Woman #1: "No. He's catholic."

- Metra South Shore

-- Submitted by Lisa G.

Monday, August 25, 2008

Sage advice.

Mother: "Don't EVER lick the EL!"

- Brown Line

-- Submitted by Jessica

Either way, see a dentist.

Guy: "I wouldn't say he had NO teeth. He just didn't have any complete teeth."

- Piper's Alley

-- Submitted by Erin

Viagra might help.

Guy: (on cell) "Lumber up! Be a dude!"

- Evanston

-- Submitted by Ursula

Friday, August 22, 2008

Like a lunch "snooze" button.

Worker #1: "If lunch were 5 minutes longer, I'd be much happier. What the crap can I get accomplished in 60 minutes?"

Worker #2: "More than you get accomplished during your work day, slacker."

- North Chicago Office

-- Submitted by Jenny

I liked that movie.

Guy #1: "I need to get a person eating plant."

Guy #2: "Like in that 'Shop of Horrors' movie?"

Guy #1: "No. My plant will not sing stupid songs."

- West Loop

-- Submitted by Tony

All of them.

Girl: "What kind of ice cream can I get that will make me feel cold?"

- Jewel, South Loop

-- Submitted by Aaron

Thursday, August 21, 2008

That solves other problems.

Guy #1: "I need a vacation."

Guy #2: "You just had a vacation."

Guy #1: "Right, but I'm still all vacationy."

Guy #2: "So go take a cold shower."

- Old Orchard Shopping Center

-- Submitted by Yes

Oscar the Grouch ought to do the trick.

Girl: (on cell) "This is the worst day ever. I need a muppet to cheer me up."

- Blue Line

-- Submitted by Grand

Maybe it's evidence?

Attorney: (on cell) "Well, I have my vibrator turned on now, so we should be good to go."

- DuPage County Courthouse

-- Submitted by Bryan

Wednesday, August 20, 2008

No joke, this lady passed. Thanks, DMV.

DMV Employee: "Can you read the seventh line for me?"

Senior Lady: "No."

DMV Employee: "Why not?"

Senior Lady: "Because it's in Chinese. How do you expect me to read Chinese?"

- Naperville DMV

-- Submitted by Dave

Yeah. Look under "you wish."

Guy #1: "I need to get a new car."

Guy #2: "Ok."

Guy #1: "Yeah. It's going to have to be environmentally friendly, but still hot."

Guy #2: "What kind do you want?"

Guy #1: "I don't know. How hard is it to make a Corvette into a hybrid? Can we google that?"

- Northbrook

-- Submitted by Colin