Wednesday, October 31, 2007

Why do girls have to look for that in everything?

Girl: "Do you ever wonder why certain words mean certain things?"

Guy: "If I do, I just look up their etymology."

Girl: "Yeah, but what if you want to find their true, deep meanings?"

Guy: "You mean like the word 'retard?'"

- North Park University

-- Submitted by Lo-Ki

That's a blanket statement

Guy: "All cats are gay. Completely gay."

- Loyola

-- Submitted by Eti

See ya.

Bum: "Either you all are givin' me some change, or I'm going to jump into the lake. When I find Atlantis, you guys going to be crazy mad."

- Outside Sears Tower

-- Submitted by Raven

Tuesday, October 30, 2007

What's the new stupid?

Girl: "I'm on a hunger strike. Hunger strikes are the new annorexia"

Friend: "Oh, can we go yet?"

Girl: "Hold on a sec, my hunger strike is about to taste like hash browns."

- Rock N' Roll McDonalds

-- Submitted by Ayen

Knowledge is power

Woman: "My boss was being such a pain. And I'm like, I've taken THREE management courses. COURSES! Granted, I've never been in a management position."

- Wendys on Clark & Madison

-- Submitted by Tormented by the most boring conversation ever

THIS is why we have GPS navigation.

Old socialite: "Is this where the third floor lecture room is?"

Twenty-something secretary: "This is the second floor."

Old socialite: "Oh. So where is the third floor?"

- Loop Office

-- Submitted by BH

Monday, October 29, 2007

If it was a cheetah.....

Girl #1: "It's so cold out. A perfect day to roast Devin Hester."

Girl #2: "Stop calling the chicken Devin Hester!"

- Loyola

-- Submitted by Amused

They don't sound as tasty as donuts.

Guy: (on cell) "Honey. It's cold. No, I took a light jacket, but it's flippin' freezing. Well, I've got to be out here for a while. Yeah. I'm cold. It's so cold I feel like my nuts fell off. I'd prefer to call them 'fro-nuts.'"

- Vernon Hills Athletic Complex

-- Submitted by Soccer Stud

Is this tax deductible?

Bum: "Hey there. Donate to the Johnny Walker research fund?"

- State and Wacker

- Submitted by Wished I'd had some money on me

Friday, October 26, 2007

Hey everyone,

Sorry about the irregular posting pattern the last couple of weeks. A lot of things going on that should be settled by Monday. Regular posts continue then.


Wednesday, October 24, 2007

Hope you like swimming.

Woman #1: "Let's go on vacation."

Woman #2: "Where do you want to go?"

Woman #1: "Hawaii. I can see it now."

Woman #2: "We can't afford to fly there."

Woman #1: "Can't we hitch-hike?"

- Chase Tower

-- Submitted by Raspberry

Or your brain right out of your head.

Girl: "We need a cleaning lady."

Guy: "No. You need a vacuum."

Girl: "Who would use it?"

Guy: "Uhm. You?"

Girl: "No way. Those things are scary. I've heard that vacuums can rip the skin right off of your body."

- Loyola

-- Submitted by Ramblin' Man

Start a union

Woman: (on cell) "No you aren't! What about insurance?! Online surveys don't carry group benefits!"

- Red Line

-- Submitted by Train Rider

Tuesday, October 23, 2007

Man logic

Woman: "Are you ever going to help me with the kids?"

Man: "I try to help as much as I can."

Woman: "But you don't do anything. When I ask for help, you always say you can't, or you'll do it later, or some other excuse."

Man: "But, honey, you don't understand. The more I help, the more I cause problems. I can get in the way. I can do something wrong. I can mess something up. The more I'd help, the more you'd need to clean up after me. By NOT helping, I'm actually doing more than you think."

- Glenview

-- Submitted by Torpedo

Coaches are awesome.

Coach: "This is the worst warmup I've ever seen!"

Player: "Come on, coach. We're tired. This is our fifth match."

Coach: "I don't care. Life is about perseverance. You have to push through and always dive at balls. If you don't consistently dive on everyone's balls, you'll never succeed."

- HS Volleyball tournament, North Burbs

-- Submitted by Poo

A giraffe's head is higher.

Girl: "Lets go home and get really high."

Boy: "That is all you we ever do. Is that the reason we are together?"

Girl: "Well..."

Boy: "I though so."

Girl: "What do I care? I am already higher than a giraffe's pussy."

- Berwyn Train Platform

-- Submitted by Victoria

Friday, October 19, 2007

Someone send this question to Tom Skilling!

Girl: "Oh my god! It's snowing!"

Guy: "Well, it's actually not because it's 76 degress out."

Girl: "Well, what's all this white stuff falling from the sky then, huh?"

Guy: "Um, it's raining, and that's fuckin' hail."

Girl: "If it's cold enough for hail then why can't it be snow?"


Girl: "Oh. Is that why it hurts when it hits you?"

- University Center

-- Submitted by Jessa Leigh

Good thing she was, uh, "kidding"

Father: (on cell) "Do you think she even knows me? She doesn't like when I hold her or try and feed her. No, I'm not upset. She's only a few weeks old, but it seems like she hates me. Are you sure I'm the father? She looks a lot like, Jeff. WHAT?! That's not funny. I had divorce papers all written up in my head already!"

- Green Line

-- Submitted by Keith

I hope it was in the fridge.

Guy #1: "What'd you bring?"

Guy #2: "Cold pizza and a coke. You?"

Guy #1: "Cottage cheese sandwich."

Guy #2: "Sounds awesome. Was that all that was left in the fridge?"

Guy #1: "No. There was ketchup. But ketchup doesn't go well with cottage cheese."


-- Submitted by Flame On

Thursday, October 18, 2007

It depends what age group he's in.

Woman: "Well, I need a hair cut. I was thinking of cutting it really short just for fun, but my hair is so curly. And I'm pretty sure my boyfriend doesn't want to date Sophia from the Golden Girls."

- North and Clybourn

-- Submitted by April

So, that's a no?

Woman: (on cell) "She wants HOW MUCH?! Per week?! For that kind of money she needs to have that baby for me, make sure she poops cash, and better have the house encrusted in diamonds!"

- Red Line

-- Submitted by Donut Hole

Turn off the video games.

Crazy hobo: "How do you get out of kill mode? Can't somebody tell me how to get out of kill mode?!"

- Broadway and Sheridan

-- Submitted by JeffRob

Monday, October 15, 2007

Just do what everyone else does and go as the Burger King King

Guy #1: "So what are you going to the party dressed as?"

Guy #2: "I don't know. Nothing too crazy. I'm not big on dressing up."

Guy #1: "You want to do a tandem thing?"

Guy #2: "Like dress up in related costumes?"

Guy #1: "Yeah. We could figure something out and make it really funny."

Guy #2: "Yeah, no. Unless you're a hot chick and I'm having sex with you on a frequent basis, we're not going to the party as a couple. Besides, I don't even think that's legal in 36 states."

- DePaul

-- Submitted by Tia

Just because she cares

Girl: (on cell) "Yes, I'm going to class. No, I don't have a test. No, my teachers are fine. Yes, I'm on the bus. No, I didn't forget to do any of the work. Yes, I studied. Gross, mom. I'm not telling you about my sex life. Fine, Mom. Fine. Fifty guys. On Saturday. In the morning. At once. Well then don't ask!"


-- Submitted by Gail

The first step is admitting you have a problem

Woman: (cell phone) "Well, I gotta go to church tomorrow. Yeah, I go to church! I work in a porn store and I have a drinking problem. Baby, I need Jesus."

- #36 Bus

-- Submitted by tiredmedstudent

Friday, October 12, 2007

Go Tom Sawyer!

Girl: "...yeah and he was almost EXACTLY like that guy Huckleberry Finn except I'd fuck him."

- Brown Line Station, Paulina

-- Submitted by Post-Grad Nothing

The dedicated vegan

Girl: "I'm cold."

Guy: "So get your coat."

Girl: "It's wool. I don't feel like using animal products anymore."

Guy: "Another awesome decision by you. And well thought out. Nice leather belt and shoes. And you ate bacon this morning. And I've seen you kill a ton of bugs."

Girl: "You can't just dive in with both feet. You have to start slow and progress."


-- Submitted by Era

Looks like he needs to study more.

Girl: "So I told him, 'We are having the best sex ever.' And he was like 'Nice!' So I said 'No, really we're not, okay.'"

- University of Chicago

-- Submitted by Custard

Wednesday, October 10, 2007

I didn't know you had to reason with them.

LSAT taker: "Dude, I totally had this dream last night that I was taking the test and doing really well. And then I got to the pixie logic section and couldn't answer anything and the proctor was all like, 'SOMEONE DIDN'T STUDY THEIR PIXIE REASONING!'"

- Hyde Park LSAT Test Center

-- Submitted by The Pixie Games Were Worse

She must have been wearing all black.

Girl: (on cell) "If I have to go to one more birthday party this week, I'm going to flip out. It's worse than going to a string of funerals."

- Blue Line

-- Submitted by No Way

Then try a bowl. With milk.

Mom: "Sweetie? Do you want chicken or hot dogs for dinner?"

Little Girl: "I want cereal."

Mom: "No sweetie. Do you want chicken or hot dogs for dinner?"

Little Girl: "I want cereal."

Mom: "No. Chicken or hot dogs?"

Little Girl: "No! Cereal!"


- Buffalo Grove

-- Submitted by Steeno

Tuesday, October 09, 2007

Good call.

Girl #1: "Let's go get drunk."

Girl #2: "Before class?"

Girl #1: "Is there a better way to take a test?"

Girl #2: "Yeah. Prepared. Dumbass."

- Loyola

-- Submitted by Denise

You know what solves this? A laptop.

Guy: (on cell) "So where do you expect the computer desk to go? It can't go there! That's where the dog is going to sleep. No. That's the TV room. Because a computer doesn't go in a TV room. Then it's not a TV room. Fine. How about we just put it where you'd be living because we're not moving in together?"

- Metra Milwaukee District North

-- Submitted by Evan

Because of heat exhaustion

Spectator: "GO BIG MOMMA!"

Runner: "Somehow I don't think Big Daddy is getting action tonight."

- Marathon, South Side

-- Submitted by Finisher (congrats!)

Monday, October 08, 2007

No. That's big APPLE.

Twenty-something: "So I'm finally applying to grad school. Right now I'm looking at the east coast but I'm not sure I could handle New York City."

Friend: "Oh, don't even worry! New York is just Chicago with assholes. If you made it okay with a family like yours, you'll do just fine."

- Watertower Place

-- Submitted by April

She wasn't sister!

Tween girl: "So have you ever kissed a girl?"

Boy: "No."

Tween girl: "OH my gosh! That's so cute! Well have you ever held a girl's hand?"

Boy: "Yeah."

Tween girl 2:"Yeah, probably his sister's."

- Union Station

-- Submitted by Maria

Sounds like a solid plan.

Guy: "I'm not going to bed tonight until I get an 8-ball. And then I'm not going to bed."

- #22 Bus

-- Submitted by 8-balls are fun and easy!

Thursday, October 04, 2007

Someone needs to practice the art of suave

Girl: "I'm so excited. This is my first job."

Guy: "Awesome. Did you go to college?"

Girl: "Yeah. Just graduated."

Guy: "In?"

Girl: "I was a communications major with a minor in drama."

Guy: "For real? Or are you saying you're a drama queen?"

- Arlington Heights

-- Submitted by Dave

Yeah. No big deal.

Girl: (on cell) "...well, what do you feel like? Yeah. I felt that way once, too. I bet it's Hepatitis A. Or B. Or C. Either way, you should probably stay in bed and drink some soup."

- Green Line

-- Submitted by Imp

Must be a college thing

Hipster chick: "He what!? De-friending on facebook is the ultimate hell-no!"

- 8th street

-- Submitted by Ayen

Wednesday, October 03, 2007

They taste the same.

Girl #1: "What are you drinking?"

Girl #2: "Water, I think. Or vodka. I can never tell the difference."

- Loyola

-- Submitted by Angel

That's a spicy meat-a-ball!

Guy: (on cell) "I'm at Jewel, honey. Because I don't wanna go somewhere and spend 30 bucks on a plate of spaghetti!"

- Jewel-Osco, Montrose and Sheridan

-- Submitted by Jennifer

His frozen pals?



-- Submitted by TJ

Tuesday, October 02, 2007

It depends who you call Santa

Small Child: "Daddy, when you're in college does Santa still bring you presents?"

- Baker's Square, Skokie

-- Submitted by Kim

A guy's brain.

Guy #1: "We're gonna be so late."

Guy #2: "I know a shortcut."

Guy #1: "A shortcut? How do you take a short cut walking between buildings?"

Guy #2: "Instead of going through, we're going around."

Guy #1: "That's going to take longer. The shortest distance, two points, straight line, you remember that jazz?"

Guy #2: "Damn it. The straight line doesn't have the hot chick with a huge rack that always sits on THAT side of the building!"


-- Submitted by Carlos


College Girl: "Did you know that only humans and dolphins have sex for fun? The others just do it for recreation."

- Red Line

-- Submitted by Anne