Monday, April 30, 2007

The dream is gone.

Girl: "Well, I'm really unhappy 'cause we got kicked out of the Battle of the Bands for a dumbass reason. But I'm really happy 'cause we're rebels."

- Jewel, Clark and Division

-- Submitted by Trying to Get Home

Mission accomplished then.

Guy: " they asked me if I was going to do anything so I pounded a nail into my head."

- Belmont and Broadway

-- Submitted by Rebecca

Because men are babies, happy?

Woman: (on cell) "George. Go to work. No. She's two. You're thirty. How can she survive and play and do all this stuff and you whine like a baby in bed because your nose is stuffy? Take a dayquil and get the hell out of the house."

- Purple Line

-- Submitted by Kay

Friday, April 27, 2007

Sell it on ebay.

Guy #1: "I'm going to paint the most marvelous painting in the history of man."

Guy #2: "Yeah?"

Guy #1: "Definitely. Mother and son, father and daughter, trees, birds, planets. Deep meanings everywhere. It's going to be an instant masterpiece."

Guy #2: "Sounds cool."

Guy #1: "And to put a finishing touch on it, I'm going to cover it all with black paint. I'm going to call it 'Mysterypiece in Black."

Guy #2: "Why not call it 'Black paint with a lot of crap behind it?'"

- Art Institute

-- Submitted by Geoff

Must have been expensive.

Guy: (on cell) " we called the local office and I yelled at people. We called the branch office and I yelled at people. We called the main office and I yelled at people. We called the division manager, regional manager, owner, everyone. Yup. I yelled at people. They said they sent it and I called them liars and thieves and other fun things. I must have spent 60 hours on the phone waiting and yelling. Yeah. It's been in the closet since November. I'm going to make her call and apologize to everyone I yelled at."

- #58 bus

-- Submitted by Carly

Chewing hair causes lice.

Working Guy: "I just realized that living where I do, I almost never see children. Now it's like being in a zoo. They're chewing their hair and stuff. Come look!"

- Downtown Office

-- Submitted by Cubie

Thursday, April 26, 2007

Without the extra mustard, it's just a dry sandwich.

Guy: (on cell) "No. You can't ask for that. That's selfish and greedy. No way. That's like going to Ethiopia, asking for all the village's food, and then getting mad because they don't have extra mustard. You're being a complete asshole."

- Green Line

-- Submitted by Flan

Nothing like Chicago's fresh air.

Woman: "Do you smell that?"

Man: "No. What is it?"

Woman: "It smells like burning tires."

Man: "What?"

Woman: "SMELL, damn it! You can't smell that putrid stench? It's wafting through the air like an oxygen replacement."

Man: "Who the hell is going to be burning tires right now? It's not like there's a place down here to stockpile them and then light 'em up. Why do you do this every week?"

- State and Van Buren

-- Submitted by Cyclops

That's a concern.

Guy: (on cell) "I'm just worried that my kid may come out looking like a bat. Or a seal."

- Corner Bakery, Lake and LaSalle

-- Submitted by Jenny

Wednesday, April 25, 2007

Teen #2, you are obviously not a parent.

Teen Girl #1: "...and you have to say goodnight about a million times. It's like a test of will and patience. I will not succumb! I WILL NOT SUCCUMB! So help me god, those kids are going to be the death of the me."

Teen Girl #2: "But they're your nephews and they're like three. You should own those clowns."

- Deerfield High School

-- Submitted by Warrior

Someone's got it out for the furry red monster.

Girl: (on cell) "Just sit her in front of Elmo and she'll calm down. No, you don't have to watch with her. No you don't. Yes, we'd all like to reach into the TV and punch him in the face. No. You'll break the glass and then I'll have to whiny babies in the house. Go beat up the Elmo doll or something. NO! Do NOT use a hammer! If she sees you she'll freak out. And, Jim. No knives either."

- Metra South Shore

-- Submitted by Aric

Friends should always be honest. Sometimes.

Guy (on cell): "Really? That's great! So whatcha gonna name the baby? That's a stupid fuckin' name."

- Davis St. Station

-- Submitted by Maitri

Tuesday, April 24, 2007

Mom's basement is comfy, yes?

Guy: "It's become quite a decision, but, at this point, I'm simply debating whether I want to remain in this world or my virtual world."

- DePaul

-- Submitted by Carl

How about "Stop?"

Girl: (on cell) "...we decided to have a code word if one of us goes to far or gets upset with something. Yeah, but we couldn't decide on a word. Billy, ranger, brink, jinx, limit, air, all kinds of stuff. I don't like it but he does. Cold fish."

- Red Line

-- Submitted by Hailstorm

Probably Modest Mouse.

MM Fan #1: "How the heck did Modest Mouse get booked at the Auditorium Theatre? Isn't that place a bit to swanky for a band like them?"

MM Fan #2: "I have no idea but, my guess is that someone lost a bet."

- Modest Mouse Show, Auditorium Theatre

-- Submitted by Sonic Ears

Monday, April 23, 2007

They pretty much lose everywhere.

Conductor: "Next stop Addison. This is where the Cubs lose."

- Red Line

-- Submitted by S

To look a hippie kind of way.

Bus driver: "I'm just sayin'. They say my feet are cold, so I wear the socks. But I say if your feet are cold, why are you wearin' sandals?!"

- #8 Bus

-- Submitted by B

She must be screechy and annoying.

College girl: "So my brother brought home his new girlfriend for dinner. Cute right? Only she's not so cute. And she's super eccentric. She reminds me a lot of Bjork."

- Columbia College

-- Submitted by Lizz

Friday, April 20, 2007

It's not like artists cut their ears off or anything.

(Man looking over his shoulder with disdain at art students dancing outside their school entrance.)

Disdaining Man: "They're artists. They have an excuse to be borderline retarded."

- Wabash and Monroe

-- Submitted by C

It's going to be a deep conversation.

Dude: "I'm going to go take a piss. When I get back, I want to talk about the Mighty Ducks movies."

- Jackson and State

-- Submitted by Tim

They aren't all stupid.

Guy: "I wonder when the Med closes."

Random Woman: "It closes at 11, midnight on the weekends. I know, my daughter used to work there. Now she works at Coach selling ugly bags to stupid people!"

- 57th Street

-- Submitted by Dwade

Thursday, April 19, 2007

Good reason.

Guy: "I think I'm going to be a bouncer the rest of my life. Not because it pays great or anything, but because I like beating the hell out of people with little consequence."

- Northern Illinois University

-- Submitted by Lacey

But not South Dakota, thank goodness.

Guy: " I end up meeting her and she looked like an Alaskan."

Girl: "What is that supposed to mean?"

Guy: "You know...all Alaskan and stuff. Like she's from Alaska. Or Maine."

- Aon Building

-- Submitted by Lucy

And after the ninth inning, he rested.

Sox Fan #1: "Two more innings to go! Two more inni..."

Sox Fan #2: "You shut your stupid mouth! We are NOT going to be responsible for this event, whatever it may be, from becoming a non-event. We shall not speak of it by title. We shall not describe this event over the phone. We will sit back. We will relax. We will not destroy this."

Sox Fan #1: "No one likes you."

- U.S. Cellular

-- Submitted by Freddie

Wednesday, April 18, 2007

So she had a special talent then, eh?

Blonde Chick: "They were giving out paddle balls at my aunt's funeral."

- Red Line

-- Submitted by Elora

It's going to make it harder to find him.

Girl #1: "...and then he just ran off. Everything was in my purse!"

Girl #2: "How long before the cops came?"

Girl #1: "It was about twenty minutes. I should have told them I had a donut."

Girl #2: "What did he look like? Did you know him?"

Girl #1: "I didn't know him. And I think he was Asian or black. Maybe white. I'm not sure. But he took my purse!"

- Union Station

-- Submitted by Quell

I didn't get accepted there.

Guy: "We're all fucking morons! That's why we have the electoral college."

- Loyola University

-- Submitted by B

Tuesday, April 17, 2007

Next time, beer museum.

Father: "You remember when we were at the museum? That was all stuff YOU wanted to do. And now it's mommy's turn to do what SHE wants to do. And do you know what? [bitterly] Daddy doesn't get to do anything he wants to do."

- Lord and Taylor, Michigan Ave

-- Submitted by Matthew

Oy Vey.

Guy: (on cell) "...and when he opened the gift, it was a copy of the Book of Mormon! What do you mean, 'So what?' It was a BAR MITZVAH!"

- Clark and Monroe

-- Submitted by Goy

I know it'd hurt.

Guy #1: "You ever been punched in the face?"

Guy #2: "Yeah. Why?"

Guy #1: "Because I usually wake up in the morning and wonder about it. Am I going to get punched in the face today? Who's going to do it? How will it go down? So many questions."

Guy #2: "Keep going and it's going to happen within seconds."

- Loyola

-- Submitted by Carl

Mmmm...gerflurgen chicken.

Woman: "What do you want for dinner?"

Man: "I don't know. What about the leftovers from yesterday?"

Woman: "Okay. Do you want them cold?"

Man: "Nah."

Woman: "Do you want them warm?"

Man: "Is there a third option I'm unaware of? Can you make the food gerflurgen or something?"

- Metra Milwaukee District North Line

-- Submitted by Universal

Monday, April 16, 2007

I hear wedding bells!

Trixie: " now I'm on the train going to fucking Rogers Park for dinner because his parents suck."

- Red Line

-- Submitted by Poppy

Someone is opinionated.

Girl: "Madonna is going back to adopt another baby."

Guy: "Who cares?"

Girl: "I care. Madonna is grabbing babies from Malawi. Angelina Jolie is grabbing babies from around the world while she hates her own kid. Oprah is building schools in Africa. Doesn't anyone realize there are millions of needs in their own country?"

Guy: "Sure they do. If they help the US, they don't get the public and media attention. If they don't get the attention, they don't get a benefit from it. If they don't get that benefit, what else is going to fill the void in their vapid, worthless, self-centered, daddy-doesn't love me lives? I mean, for real. Do you think Madonna or Angelina or any of those retards actually take care of their own kids when they're NOT going to pose for pictures?"

- Grant Park

-- Submitted by Louie

One more round, then we really complain.

Guy #1: "...tons of traffic. And don't think the trains won't be affected. Everyone talks about economic growth and new jobs and all that other crap. Great. It really helped Montreal out. They're doing really well. If the Olympics come to Chicago, I'm moving.'

Guy #2: "Don't worry man. No one cares about the Olympics anyway. There's only going to be, what, 2 or 3 countries that will want to come to the US to compete? Olympic village could be my backyard."

- Red Line

-- Submitted by Minnow

Friday, April 13, 2007

This may actually hold true.

Girl #1: "...and then the ultrasound showed that it was a boy! I'm so happy for them."

Girl #2: "That's awesome. And exciting. I heard that the extra hormones from the baby boy lets the mom lift cars and stuff. She gets like superhuman strength. How cool would that be?!"

- Pink Line

-- Submitted by Earwig

It's tough being a turtle stuck in a man's body.

Guy: "I don't think I was meant for life as a human being."

- Van Buren and Michigan

-- Submitted by Anne

So the mood ring is constantly pink?

Woman: "Ain't no way he's straight! Dude was wearing a motherfuckin' mood ring! Try to tell me he's straight! Straight men don't wear no motherfuckin mood ring! Straight my ass! Mood ring motherfucker!"

- State Street

-- Submitted by JHo

Thursday, April 12, 2007

Sleet sucks

Guy: (on cell) "I know I'm late, sir. Yes, sir. Yes. No. I know, sir. But I couldn't get out of my driveway beca...yes, sir. Look! Every time I tried to shovel the shit, it would plop out of my shovel, soak my socks, and destory my shoes.!Next time, I'll tell the heavens to open up AFTER my 8 AM meeting so that we can earn another 60 cents per god damn widget or whatever the hell we're trying to sell!"

- Blue Line

-- Submitted by KC

Just wait for Kerry Wood and Mark Prior to...forget it.

Cubs Fan #1: "I don't remember the last time a baseball game got snowed out in Chicago. This weather is crazy."

Cubs Fan #2: "At least they didn't lose. They're 8 games into the season and I've already given up all hope."

Cubs Fan #1: "They'll come around. Please, god, let them come around."

- Red Line

-- Submitted by Frittatta

Nice try. Go back to playing with Barbies.

Sports Fan: "...the schedule favors the Bears. I don't think they'll win them all, but they should win a bunch."

Wannabe: "You're crazy. I'm telling you that they'll go 17-0 this year."

Sports Fan: "You mean 16-0."

Wannabe: "No. There are 17 weeks in the season. They can win all the games."

Sports Fan: "Nothing like getting the win during the bye week. Huh, idiot?"

- Metra North Central

-- Submitted by Lucy

Wednesday, April 11, 2007

She knows her porn.

Guy: "Do you think I'd be able to get into the porn business?"

Girl: "Sure. With the internet, anyone can be in the porn business. All you need is some sort of digital camera. You can do any kind. Solo, partnered, threesome, orgies, BDSM, oral, anal, point of view, pregnant, tranny, group sex, tag team, all girl. Pretty much anything."

Guy: "Uhm. Do you have any connections?"

- Loyola

-- Submitted by Leo

Best competition ever.

Girl #1: "In college, I was a huge body builder. I put on muscle mass like crazy."

Girl #2: "Bullshit. There's no way you were a body builder."

Girl #1: "Seriously. I would win competitions at sororities and stuff for body building. I was so buff it was crazy."

Girl #2: "Yeah. Sorority body building competitions must have been pretty grueling. Who can drink the most beer and suck the most cock in a night. And then do a pushup."

- Michigan Ave.

-- Submitted by Nosey


Girl #1: "Her boobs are just too big. It looks like she's going to fall over."

Girl #2: "She's a whore."

Random Guy: "Don't worry ladies. I'll catch her. With my face."

- Pink Line Platform

-- Submitted by Gail

Tuesday, April 10, 2007

Cubs fans: They sure are loveable.

Cubs Fan #1: "It's too damn cold."

Astros Fan: "Doesn't matter. The Cubs lose in any weather."

Cubs Fan #1: "Oh yeah, because the Astros are a bastion of victory."

Astros Fan: "At least we've made it to the Series. The Cubs couldn't find the Series if they were given a map."

Cubs Fan #2: "Whatever, dude. We don't need a map to get to the Series. We just need a few wins and some luck."

Cubs Fan #1: "And Mapquest gives crappy directions anyway."

- Wrigley Field

-- Submitted by This year!

Some college kids do that on purpose.

Sox Fan #1: "97 wins."

Sox Fan #2: "No chance. They'll be lucky to win 85."

Sox Fan#1: "You take that back or I'm shoving a beer up your nose."

- U.S. Cellular Field

-- Submitted by Ro

If she made 1 dollar per job.....

Guy: "I just don't think we can hire her."

Girl: "But she's a great candidate!"

Guy: "She's had a million jobs in the past three years. It's expensive to get someone on payroll. I don't want to waste the money."

Girl: "So you'd rather have someone who's stagnant and stale than someone who is a go getter and craving advancement?"

Guy: "So you want me to get rid of you?"

- Oakbrook Physicians Office

-- Submitted by Sally

Monday, April 09, 2007

Easy. Check if the last name ends in "s" or "berg?"

Guy: "They look eerily similar. Greek's have the nose, complexion, and features of Jews. I think we should devise a method to differentiate them."

Girl: "Don't you have anything better to do with your time?"

Guy: "This could save the world a lot of trouble. Who runs the banks versus who wrestles naked is a hot debate among people."

Girl: "Among who? You and your idiot friends?"

Guy: "They aren't idiots."

- Loyola

-- Submitted by Ramblin' Man

Even the comics are depressing.

Guy: "How can you read that everyday? I just refuse to read the newspaper. I'm tired of all the depressing crap that goes on. Why can't they report on sunshine and happiness?"

Girl: "Because then it would be called the whocarespaper."

- Purple Line

-- Submitted by Fresh

Yes. There are.

Girl #1: "I've broken so many hearts lately."

Girl #2: "There must be a lot of desperate guys out there."

- Metra Southwest

-- Submitted by 10withamop

Thursday, April 05, 2007

You could always just ask.

Girl: "Just don't worry. It's all going to go according to plan."

Guy: "I'm not worried. I just think you're stupid."

Girl: "Go in, punch him in the nuts, grab my shirt, and run."

Guy: "Great. Don't worry about compounding the problems you already have. Just go straight for the jimmy shot and let nature take it's course."

- Loyola University

-- Submitted by Denise

The birds and the bees. And the idiots.

Guy #1: "So we're ready to have kids. She went off the pill three months ago and we're going to get pregnant this week."

Guy #2: "It doesn't exactly work that way."

Guy #1: "What do you mean? She's fertile, she's off the pill, my ding works. What's the problem?"

Guy #2: "It's all about the right timing. She has to be ovulating. The sperm has to get to the egg. Blah, blah, blah. It's not like the first time you try, it happens."

Guy #1: "What?! I finish EVERY TIME, dude. I figure it'll take two, three days tops."

- Quizno's, 333 S. State

-- Submitted by Carmichael

You can fool all of the people some of the time...

Guy #1: "Let's go grab a burger."

Guy #2: "No."

Guy #1: "Come on! I'm starving."

Guy #2: "No. I'm not going to a restaurant during passover. How about we try to follow a little Jewish law?"

Guy #1: "You don't even go to services. Why would you follow customs?"

Guy #2: "So if you go to services but don't follow them, what the hell is the point?"

Guy #1: "People leave you alone because they THINK you're Jewish."

- Skokie

-- Submitted by Lacey

Wednesday, April 04, 2007

Tangents, anyone?

Girl: "These seats are harder than bricks. Do they purposely make these uncomfortable so people won't ride the bus? It's like a damn government conspiracy. STOP STEALING MY TAX MONEY!"

- 147 bus

-- Submitted by Rider

No, but my third hand is always snapping bras.

Girl: "It's just been hellacious all week."

Guy: "I'm sure it'll get better. It's just a lull."

Girl: "You ever get that feeling where one eye is looking right, one eye is looking up, and the other eye is looking inside? That's exactly what's going on right now."

- Boeing Building

-- Submitted by Jeanette

His cell phone belongs up his nose.

Guy: (on cell) "Jimmy? JIMMY! Hey, are you there? Yeah. Can you call me back in 5 minutes? No, I called so you can call me back. Cuz I want to talk to you in 5 minutes. Because I want YOU to call ME in 5 minutes. No, I'm not trying to impress anyone. I just want to talk in 5 minutes. No. You call me. Fine. Asshole. I'll call you in 10 minutes."

- Michigan Ave.

-- Submitted by Lara

Tuesday, April 03, 2007

The Cubs were bad...

Cubs Fan #1: "I'm thinking I'm going to buy the Cubs now."

Cubs Fan #2: "Yeah, okay. You can have them after the stink bomb Zambrano just threw."

Cubs Fan #1: "No. See. That's a good thing. He won't get that extension now because the Cubs are going to have new ownership."

Cubs Fan #2: "So what? How are you going to get 700 million dollars?"

Cubs Fan #1: "That's where I win. If they keep playing as shitty as they did today, then I Won't need $700 million. I can probably talk them down to like, $600 million or so. Piece of cake!"

- Champp's Sports Bar and Grill

-- Submitted by Clyde

But the Sox were worse.

Sox Fan #1: "What the crap? 9-2? Is this the bottom of the ninth? I thought it started at 1:05?"

Sox Fan #2: "It did. Jose Contreras couldn't get out a batter if they paid him. Oh. Wait. They do pay him. I guess his being a 90 year old pitcher is finally catching up to him."

Sox Fan #1: "9 to freaking 2? In the freaking top of the 2nd? This should count for 20 losses or something. This is terrible. Ten dollars says they go to the stands for pitchers by the eighth inning."

- U.S. Cellular Field

-- Submitted by Go Sox!


Jewish Guy: "It's going to be a smörgåsbord of gefilte fish, matzah, and wine. I think the holiday comes on the second day because every Jew who has a real seder feels like they're going to explode from the inside out. And then they'd have to eat more matzah."

- Skokie

-- Submitted by Reed

Monday, April 02, 2007

Lofty goals.

Fat Guy: "I want to run a marathon."

Friend: "I don't think you're ready for a marathon yet."

Fat Guy: "I figure new shoes, new running clothes, and determination will get it done. I have been working out."

Friend: "It's been three weeks. Why don't you worry about walking without wheezing and then we'll run a 50 yard dash together. We'll see if we can break the 4 minute barrier."

- Lifetime Fitness, Schaumburg

-- Submitted by Kyle

Sit down you wandering Jews.

Woman: "Are you ready for passover?"

Man: "Yup. Toilet is clean and ready."

Woman: "Seriously. Nothing like completely changing your diet and shocking your system to celebrate exodus out of Egypt."

- Metra Milwaukee District North Line

-- Submitted by Moyshe

You're now headed to the pants store.

Girl #1: "OK, where are we headed again?"

Girl #2: "I dunno. Hey, how did my butt get so wet?"

- Kafein

-- Submitted by Apple Pie