Friday, April 28, 2006

Except for that whole standing thing

(Two girls watching a photographer take pictures of the Segway store on Jackson)

Smart Girl #1: "Why would you take a picture of a store?"

Smart Girl #2: "Maybe she wants to buy one of the Segway's or something."

Smart Girl #1: "Oh, right! Maybe she has a paralyzed brother or something."

Smart Girl #2: "Yeah. Paralyzed or broke his leg or something. That would totally help him out."

Smart Girl #1: "Technology really helps people. The future is gonna be awesome."

- Jackson and Michigan

-- Submitted by Romeo

Have you seen the Guinness Book?

(Group smoking outside of a class building)

Smoking Dude: "Everyone keeps bitching about gas prices. Fck that. Tell them to stop raising cigarette prices."

Smoking Chick: "Seriously. They're killing my rights as a smoker. I mean, I'm a student. I can't keep paying those prices."

Smoking Fat Chick: "You're not kidding. I can't quit smoking. It helps me keep my weight down."

Smoking Dude: "You can get bigger? Sht, I'm gonna run to Congress NOW and tell them either they keep prices of cigarettes down or there's going to be a food shortage."

Smoking Fat Chick: "You may be the worst human being on the planet."

-Loyola Campus

-- Submitted by Stein

I can live with a nursing shortage

Nursing Student #1: "It was my first delivery too. It was real cool 'til the baby came out."

Nursing Student #2: "Was there complications?"

Nursing Student #1: "Naw. But it was the uuuugliest baby I ever seen. All wrinkly and shriveled up. It was nasty."

Nursing Student #3: "They all come out that way. They been in fluid for 9 months. Don't you ever stay in the bathtub too long and get them prune hands?"

Nursing Student #1: "Yeah, but this was worse. I also didn't know whether it was a boy or a girl. Doctor got pretty mad when I asked out loud. How was I supposed to know it was a big deal?"

- Outside of Olympia College

-- Submitted by Larry

Nothing says "cool" like Coke merchandise

Girl #1: "I need to get me a Coke delivery truck man. Yeah !"

Girl #2: "A coke delivery man? Why?"

Girl #1: "Look all that free stuff you can get: free soda, hats and stuff."

Girl #2: "Mmmm, that's true."

- #66 Bus

-- Submitted by Heidi

Thursday, April 27, 2006

Must be their star power

(Two guys talking and laughing with a "lollipop head" sitting next to them, trying to goad her into response.)

Guy 1: "I know every generation has their own look and everything, but what's up with this big glasses, huge head, tiny body thing?"

Guy 2: "I don't know. At least the past few style fads have been somewhat acceptable. Girls nowadays look like idiots."

Guy 1: "Why the hell would you buy sun glasses as big as your fcking skull? To use as an umbrella when you're done?"


Guy 1: "Yeah. Jealous. I could either go spend time trying to get them out on a date, or break a twig off of a tree and spend less cash."

- Starbuck's downtown

-- Submitted by Jeff H.

Beer + Baseball = Fun?

Businessman: "The Illini are going to play a game at Wrigley Field this year."

Train Riding Friend: "Excellent. We should go."

Businessman: "What's better is my company is sponsoring the event, so all the employees get a seat and $40 worth of food vouchers for $25."

Train Riding Friend: "$40? That's not enough beer to get you through three freaking innings!"

- Metra

-- Submitted by Eric C.

Why not just call it a twik?

Cubs Fan 1: "What's up with that guy on the train today?"

Cubs Fan 2: "I think he had a tick."

Cubs Fan 3: "What the hell is a tick?"

Cubs Fan 2: "One of those muscle twitches."

Cubs Fan 3: "Then just call it a twitch."

Cubs Fan 1: "Seriously, stop making up frickin' words."

- Wrigley Field

-- Submitted by Cubbie Blue

The future of America


Teen 2: "Skop. I was talking to freaking Skop. Jesus."

Teen 1: "Skopinski? Why?"

Teen 3: "Cause they're like, in love, or some sht."

Teen 1: "And why were you all like, 'whatever, skop, totally, skop, whatever, skop."

Teen 2: "We were talking about sht. What's your problem?"

Teen 3: "Why do you always look like you're drunk?"

Teen 1: "Seriously. You're always wasted looking."

- Skokie Swift

-- Submitted by Teen Hater

Wednesday, April 26, 2006

You just couldn't take them out to eat

Leo: "If I went to NYU, I'd be hella tight with the Olsen Twins. I'd be like 'Hey, what's up?' and they'd be like, 'Hey Leo,' 'Hey Leo.'"

- Walking down State Street

-- Submitted by Maria

I'm sure people have found ways

Dude: "Fag."

Buddy: "Dick."

Dude: "Asshat."

Buddy: "Turd burglar."

Dude: "Bloody cock."

Buddy: "You win. There's no way to beat a bloody cock."

- Skokie

-- Submitted by Aaron

Safety conscious

(Man steps to the edge of the platform, muttering to himself. Another man walks in front of him on the colored section of the platform, close to the edge.)

Odd Fellow: "What the hell are you doing? You want to die or something buddy? I'll make it happen! I'll push you! I swear! And then the train comes and SPLAT! you go. I'm gonna push you next time, dare me!"

- Purple Line Platform

-- Submitted by Kratz

No WONDER I'm so peppy in the morning

Conductor: "Everyone get up! Final stop! (bangs door with wrench) WAKE UP, WAKE UP, WAKE UP!"

(several groans)

Conductor: "Eating bananas helps with being awake. A banana a day will keep the conductor at bay. GET OFF THE TRAIN!"

- Skoke Swift Platform

-- Submitted by Arturo

Tuesday, April 25, 2006

Great. Now I have to figure out whether they're my fantasy or they're lying

Girl #1: (franticly, to her friend) "Hold my hand."

Girl #2: "Uh...okay."

Girl #1: "Look at me like we're in love. Give me a kiss on the cheek or something."

Girl #2: (kisses cheek) "Are you going to tell me what's going on?"

Girl #1: "There's a guy that's following me, and I think he wants to ask me out, so I'm pretending to be a lesbian. You're my girlfriend for the next 20 minutes."

- Outside Roosevelt University

-- Submitted by B.T.

Cost over comfort

Employee #1: "Where are Randy and Jake?"

Employee #2: "They were terminated last week."

Employee #1: "Why? What happened? I thought they were doing well."

Employee #2: "Management told them they just didn't have a need for them anymore. Not enough for them to do."

Employee #1: "They were security guards. Isn't there crime going on in the building? You figure that would be something they could do."

- 333 S. Wabash

-- Submitted by D.B.

You wonder how some people have jobs

(Group of businessman going up the elevator)

Suit #1: "We need those reports by Tuesday, Tom. I don't think we're going to be able to extend the deadline."

Suit #2: "That shouldn't be a problem, I'll just have to stay a li..."

Suit #3: (screaming) "CABBAGE! GOOEY, STICKY CABBAGE!"

- Chase Building

-- Submitted by Clark Kent

Monday, April 24, 2006

Religion Shmeligion

Catholic guy: "Aren't you going to eat some pizza?"

Jewish Guy: "No, it's Passover, we can only eat certain foods, but not pizza."

CG: "You're jewish?"

JG: "Yes, and I've told you this like a thousand times before."

CG: "Aren't Jews the ones that dress up like Ninjas and pray?"

JG: "No, I think you're thinking of Muslims, but they're not really Ninjas..."

CG: (interupting) "Aren't all Jews Muslims?"

JG: " couldn't be more wrong."

CG: "But tell me this. Jews and Muslims: they're all still Christians, right?"

JG: "I don't even know how to answer that."

- South Side

-- Submitted by Mike Routier

At least she knows she's a muffin top

Friend: "Those are really cute jeans!"

Refreshingly Honest Girl: "Yeah, they are. The only problem is my stomach falls out when i bend over."

Friend: "Because they're low rise?"

Refreshingly Honest Girl: "No, because I'm fat."

- Old Navy

-- Submitted by Maria

But can he keep a beat?

Moody Bible Student 1: "That song rocks!"

Moody Bible Student 2: "Not as much as Jesus."

Moody Bible Student 1: "No, Jesus rocks."

Moody Bible Student 2. "He so rocks!"

- Old Town Cold Stone Creamery

-- Submitted by Steve Rose

These could be the best "fests" ever

Insightful girl #1: "So we figured out what we're going to call the opposite of a 'sausage fest' - a 'peach fest'!"

Insightful girl #2: "Shouldn't it be a 'taco fest?' It makes more sense. You know, tacos? Spicy?"

- Red Line

-- Submitted by Lisa

I guess things don't get much worse

College guy: "I feel sorry for people with peanut allergies, because a life without peanut products is a life I wouldn't care to live."

- DePaul Cafeteria

-- Submitted by Ciana

Bad driving? In Chicago?

Older woman: (slurring and giving the finger) "HEY! Asshole! This is a one way!"

Other driver: "It's the only way in or out you drunken, old bag. Go drink another bottle of Gin"

- Southwest Side Steakhouse

-- Submitted by CS

Saturday, April 22, 2006

The man has a point

College Girl: "It's just that I don't get it. What's the big deal?"

College Guy: "I'm telling you. It's just one of those things."

College Girl: "But it's stupid! No one should care!"

College Guy: "Look, Steph. If you put Chuck Norris and some midgets together and toured them around the country, you'd sell out every stadium. They wouldn't even have to do anything. They could stand there and wave and people would stay for hours."

- Loyola Campus

-- Submitted by KC

At least he's trying

Homeless Guy: "Ladies and Gentleman. Please help. I have cancer. Cancer everywhere. Your change will pay for my chemo. I'm just looking for pennies a day."

Concerned Passerby: "What kind of cancer is it? Where are you getting treatment?"

Homeless Guy: "I'm getting treatment at one of the hospitals. It's a bad cancer. The worst one you can get. They might even name it after me."

- Wabash and Lake

-- Submitted by Jeff

Friday, April 21, 2006

I think if you guys submit enough, it could become genius parent Friday.

Mother: "...and my little sweetie is teething. She just wouldn't sleep at night."

Coworker: "Poor baby. Have you tried all those gels and cremes? They worked when my Bobby was teething. It took a few minutes, but he would stop crying and fell right back asleep."

Mother: "Nah. We have a better method." (giggling laugh)

Coworker: "Grandpa's remedy, huh? Gotta appreciate whiskey!"

Mother: "Whiskey? We just use Robitussin PM. It knocks her out for the night."

- Boeing Building

--Submitted by Renee

Genius parents, at it again

(Kids running around restaurant, jumping on chairs and tables during semi-busy lunch hour)

Mom: "Oh, you guys are so funny!"

Older Restaurant-goer: "No they aren't! They're rambunctious, obnoxious, undisciplined little brats! That only reflects on their parents! You should get control of them before they end up in jail!"

Mom: "My kids can do as they please. It's a free country, so you can't tell them what to do. So fck you, you old bag."

- Downtown McDonald's

-- Submitted by Smiles

Matzah is kind of a drag after 8 days

Jew Guy: "I'm so friggin' happy Passover is done."

Buddy: "I thought you were looking forward to it."

Jew Guy: "I was. I mean, the first few days are cool. Things you haven't eaten in a while. Memories of the childhood. Doing the first few nights with my kids. It was great."

Buddy: "So what's the problem? It's only a week long."

Jew Guy: "Have you ever had matzah? You can't crap for a week eating that stuff. I was shoving my face with as much fiber as I could. It's like Moses and the gang decided that during all that wandering, they didn't want anyone to go to the bathroom."

- Evanston

-- Submitted by Yentle

Uhm. eww

Dude: "What's up, man?"


Dude: "Yeah, the weather was awesome. What are you doing tonight?"

Perv: "Two words for you: SOCK. NIGHT."

Dude: "I prefer toilet paper, but only when it gets on my stomach."

- North Suburban High School

-- Submitted by Jaycee

Thursday, April 20, 2006

"Positivity" makes your day better

Homeless Guy: "Hi. How are you? How've you been? Beautiful. Wonderful. Fantastic. I'm great. Life is divine. Couldn't ask for more. Everything is fantastic. Great. Amazing. Lovely. How are you? How's everything?"

Passerby: "I'm giving you a dollar just because you're the most positive homeless guy I've ever met in my life."

Homeless Guy: "It's positivity that make the world go 'round. Fantastic, great, wonderful, beautiful, amazing positivity."

- Outside of McDonald's near Millenium Park

-- Submitted by Grace

You totally should have left it alone

(5 twenty somethings playing "I never")

Guy: "I've never fcked anyone in the ass. (no one drinks) Ok so no one here has had anal sex."

Girl: "That's not true."

Guy: "Yes it is, no one drank."

Girl: "Well, I've never 'fcked' anything up the ass."

Guy: "Right. No one here has had anal sex."

Girl: "Again. I've never 'fcked' anything."

Guy: "What?"

Girl: "Umm."

Guy: "Wait..."

Girl #2: "You know you really should have let that one go."

- Bar on Buena

-- Submitted by The People At The Next Table

Sox Fans may be worse

(Woman told man she wanted to go home in the top of the 6th inning)

Sox Fan: "These are the World Series Champions! WATCH THE DAMN GAME!"

Wife: "I watched the first part. I'm getting bored. You said it would be exciting."

Sox Fan: "You're the reason divorce papers were created."

- Comiskey Park

-- Submitted by George

Cubs fans are bad

Drunk Cubs Fan: "This should totally be called Bob Uecker Field!"

Drunk Friend: "The dude from Major League?"

Drunk Cubs Fan: "Yeah. He's the best announcer this team ever had."

Drunk Friend: "You're thinking about Harry Caray, bro."

Drunk Cubs Fan: "Harry Caray, Bob Uecker, Joe Blow, who cares? Jus' stop with the chewing gum!"

- Wrigley Field during the last homestand

-- Submitted by Lloyd

Wednesday, April 19, 2006

Seriously. The best homeless people in the country


Homeless Guy #2: "What you talkin' bout, maaaaan?"

Homeless Guy #1: "These folks gots to pay respect! YOU AAAALLLLLL IN MY HOUSE NOW!"

Homeless Guy #2: "Sheeeeeeit. You ain't got no house. You barely even got yo' box to sleep in!"

- Near Chestnut and Clark

-- Submitted by Marco

Must be the ADD. Or the fact that kids hate dentists.

Dental Assistant #1: "Your son's going to have to go to a specialist."

Parent: "Why?"

Dental Assistant #1: " I don't know, because he won't sit still. (pause) Uh. No, hang on a minute, let me find out."

Dental Assistant #2 (comes out): "No, no, your son needs a lot of work. This dentist specializes in working with young children."

Dental Assistant #1: "Yeah, so he won't be so traumatized."

- Dental office on the SW side

-- Submitted by Green Eggs and Ham

Either way, a lot of Americans hate you

Smoking Guy: "It's freaking COLD out here, man."

Smoking Buddy: "I know, but we can't smoke near the damn door anymore."

Smoking Guy: "It's bullshit. How hard is it to hold your breath when you pass by? I mean, people still go by me when I'm away from the door."

Smoking Buddy: "It's like we're the Al Qaeda, man. We can't go into tall buildings without strange looks."

- 303 Washington

-- Submitted by Eric B

It's just that their's are more, uh, noticeable

(Woman at the zoo with a few kids, in front of the chimp exhibit.)


(Kids mumble something inaudible. Woman grabs kid's butt.)


- Lincoln Park Zoo

-- Submitted by Anjali

Tuesday, April 18, 2006

Chicago has the best homeless people on Earth

Hobo (yelling): "Yo, you got some spare change?"

Hipster dude (points to his iPod earbuds and keeps walking): "I can't hear you."

Hobo (louder): "FUCK YOU THEN! I know you heard that!"

- Uptown (Broadway and Irving Park)

-- Submitted by Kdub

Schools have less bars

Homeless White Guy: "Hey, you got any spare change?"

Chick: "No, sorry."

Homeless White Guy: "I'm sorry for asking. I hate doing this. I shoulda stayed in school."

Homeless Black Guy: "Naw, man. You shoulda stayed in jail."

- Chicago and Halsted

-- Submitted by Hanna

Parents are sincerely starting to frighten me

Mom: (to coworker) "...and she's worried about her grades. I don't know why."

Coworker: "Grades are important."

Mom: "But they aren't everything. I mean, she don't have to go to no college. There are plenty of jobs out there that don't need no grades. Janitor, postal worker, stuff like that."

Coworker: "Did you even want children?"

- Calhoun and Randolph

-- Submitted by Kristin

You smoke?

Evil Frat Guy: "HOLY CRAP!"

Larger Woman: (smoking, wearing bright yellow dress) "What?"

Evil Frat Guy: "THIS is where you've been hiding today! Get back up there!"

Larger Woman: "Get back where?"

Evil Frat Guy: "In the sky. You're the sun, right?"

- Financial Place

-- Submitted by Joey Mac

Monday, April 17, 2006

So you're basically a paid traffic lamp

(Traffic Management Lady standing in the middle of the crosswalk, talking to another Traffic Management Dude)

Walking Guy: "I'm sorry, shouldn't you actually be managing traffic?"

TM Lady: "I am."

Walking Guy: "How? You're just making sure the people that have the red light don't move."

TM Lady: "It's workin', ain't it?"

- Dearborn and Washington

-- Overheard by Mikey

How about a Bloody Mary, Sue, Paula, and Julie?

Guy: "Hey, do you know how to mix a Bloody Mary?"

Cashier Lady: "I'm Mormon."

Guy: "So? Do you know how to mix a Bloody Mary?"

Cashier Lady: "No."

-- Submitted by Kyle

For the money you pay, they should juggle and do tricks

Teen 1: "Dude, why did you buy like, 12 Frappuccinos?"

Teen 2: "Because I'm constipated and Frappuccinos make me shit."

- Starbuck's downtown

-- Submitted by 17 carrots

Saturday, April 15, 2006

Genius parent weekend?

Mom: "...and the school said if he did it again, he would be suspended. That's ridiculous. You know John's a lawyer and we'll fight for his free speech rights. You can't tell him what to say and how to say it."

Mom's Friend: "But he swore at the teacher, Lisa. NO ONE should do that."

Mom: "He was expressing displeasure. It's not like he said 'fuck' or anything. He just called her a bitch."

- Northbrook

-- Submitted by Jeanette

What would Scientologists say?

Little Girl: "I wish Jesus was still alive."

Dad: "Me, too."

- Red Line

-- Submitted by Michelle

Probably red. Maybe purple.

Girlfriend: "I'm thinking of bleaching my hair this summer."

Genius Boyfriend: "What color?"

- Elmwood Park

-- Submitted by Maria

It's quite disconcerting

Pre-Teen Girl 1: (concerned) "Oh my gosh! It's made in Indonesia!"

Pre-Teen Girl 2: (more concerned) "Oh. My. God."

- H&M on State Street

-- Submitted by Co

Friday, April 14, 2006

Yup. Definitely genius parent day.

(Mother bottle feeding her 5 year old son)

Friend: "Doesn't his school say anything about him still having a bottle?"

Mother: "They did. I fought them though. If my son wants to stay on the bottle until he's 15 then that's what will happen. No one is going to dictate to me how my son should eat!"

Friend: "Should he at least be trying sippy cups or something?"

Mother: "No. He's not comfortable with them. We tried it once and he didn't take, so we stopped. It's his right as a human to choose what he wants and I'm not going to force him to do anything."

Friend: "Homework is going to be a blast at your house."

- Metra Milwaukee District North Line

-- Submitted by Craig

It's genius parent day!

(Mother watched her small child wandering away from her)


Jack: "But I don't like the sun!"

Mother: "Fine! Stand in the shade!"

- Madison El Stop

-- Submitted by B

I prefer the throw-football

European Visitor to European Visitor: "Do you like the run-sport or the lift-weight?"

- Evanston

-- Submitted by Jason

Unless you know another elevated train system in Chicago

(Couple climbs stairs up to elevated platform)

Woman to Man: "This is the El, right?"

- Belmont

-- Submitted by B

Thursday, April 13, 2006

Just name your kid the same thing and you're square!

Guy: "Hey what does that tattoo say?"

Chick: (sighing) "I promised myself I'd never get a tattoo unless I had a kid. But then I got a dog. It says Roxy, that's her name. Now I have to explain to everyone why I'm the biggest loser in the world."

- Urban Outfitters in Schaumburg

-- Submitted by Lesley

When they sat around the house, they really sat aroudn the house

Friendly Neighbor Lady: (on cell) "... you don't need to worry about them. They used to live a couple blocks from me, and the only problem with them is that they're FAT!"

- Outside of Target on Elston

-- Submitted by JC

He can only hope

Dude: (Trying to convinve friend to go to the bars with him): "Awww c'mon man! You can get all the fat women you want."

- Northbound Redline

-- Submitted by Anjali

They could be twins

Girl: "I like that black guy. He reminds me of a white guy I know."

- Chicago City Colleges

-- Submitted by Kellie

Wednesday, April 12, 2006

It's kinda like a 'dickfor'

(Father and son walking down the street, son trying to pull back)

Father: "Boy, you had BETTER not be talking back to me!)


Father: "Boy, you be setting yourself to get a wonder."

Son: "What's a wonder?"

Father: "Wonder when I gon' beat yo ass! NOW MOVE IT!"

- Green Bay Road in Evanston

-- Submitted by Terry

It's pretty tall.

Tourist guy: (pointing to a 30 story building) "Dude man, dat chicawgo? Dats the tallest thing I ever seen!"

- Rogers Park

-- Submitted by Em

Only the best and brightest, right?

ROTC Guy #1: "Yeah, look at my ID. I look like a mutha fuckin' badass."

Civilian: "Yeah, you do."

ROTC Guy #2: "Mine's pretty bad too."

(Hands ID to ROTC Guy #1)

ROTC Guy #1: (Holds out both ID's) "Dude, can't you see these on the news?! Wanted for murder, rape, aggravated assault?"

- Loyola Cafeteria

-- Submitted by B

Sounds tasty. Where do I sign up?

Girl: "I can't come over tonite. It's Passover. We're doing seder."

Girlfriend: "What's seder?"

Girl: "It's kind of like Jew Thanksgiving. And we get it twice in a row."

Girlfriend: "Sounds yummy."

Girl: "I wish. You eat so much matza, you aren't able to crap for a week."

- Highland Park High School

-- Submitted by Laura

There really are other kinds.

Guy: "We went out to eat. I wasn't too hungry so I had a salad."

Hot Girl: "Really? What kind?

Guy: "A green one."

Hot Girl: "Aren't they all?"

- Northbrook Office

-- Submitted by Mrs. Bear

Tuesday, April 11, 2006

The type of girl that takes the elevator up one floor

Fast Moving Lady: "Let's just walk. It's not that far."

Lazy, Annoying Friend: "No. Don't wanna."

Fast Mover: "We're gunna be waitin for da bus for longer then it'll take to walk! Now move yo fat ass! It only 3 blocks!"


- Howard Red Line

-- Submitted by Katie

Yeah. If you look a little farther out, you can see Japan

Native Chicago Lady: "This is the Gold Coast, and that's Navy Pier out there"

Tourist Friend: (points at Lake Michigan) "And that's the ocean, right?"

- On the 151 Bus

-- Submitted by Kellie

Chicago: Known for it's 7-11 Sandwiches

Drunk Guy 1: "Hey look man, they have turkey po-boy sandwiches here!!"

Drunk Guy 2: "Oh man, do they really?"

Drunk Guy 1: "Thats what I love about living in the city, man!"

- 7-11 on Armitage and Sheffield

-- Submitted by Rab

It probably stems from that whole "gymnasts are 5'2" and 50 pounds" thing

Big Dude: "What makes him think that just because I'm big that means im not flexible?"

- Loyola Campus

-- Submitted by Aaron

Monday, April 10, 2006

That's World Champion White Sox fans to you

Guy 1: "Yeah I had to walk to Belmont for the El. The Cubs game just let out so it was insane."

Guy 2: "Eww. Cubs fans are just as obnoxious as Sox fans but with more money and less winning cred."

- Red Line

-- Submitted by B

It's the inner beauty that counts, man.

Wise, homeless, crazy dude: "...I woke up next to this beautiful woman. Man was she beautiful.......on the outside!"

- Red Line, North Side

-- Submitted by Dave

Yeah. Every fifteen feet.

Tourist: "Excuse me. Do you know where we can find a Starbuck's?"

- Loop

-- Submitted by Maria

I prefer vertical stripes

Girl 1: "I always feel thinner when I'm tan. You know how black pants are slimming? Dark colors? It's like black pants for your whole body."

Girl 2: "Except black pants don't kill you."

- Downtown Whole Foods

-- Submitted by Maria

Sunday, April 09, 2006

Maybe they were frozen in carbonite?

Movie Fan 1: "Have you seen all those previews for the new Ice Age movie?"

Movie Fan 2: "Yeah. My wife wants me to take the kids when it comes out. I had to agree or I wouldn't be able to hang out tonite."

Move Fan 1: "Don't take them."

Movie Fan 2: "Why not? The first one was okay."

Movie Fan 1: "It's called 'The Meltdown.' I see that having one of two connotations. Either the producers want you to believe that these three animals survived the ice age, which is horseshit, or the three main characters go ape shit and and kill everything in sight."

- At Old Orchard Mall in Skokie

-- Submitted by Theresa

It's not below the belt, I hope

(At a Golden Gloves match)



- St. Andrews Gym

-- Submitted by Andrey

Saturday, April 08, 2006

I prefer dog

Girl Worker: "Did you know they eat guinea pigs in some countries?"

Guy: "Really? What does that taste like? Chicken? No, probably bacon, right? Because it's a pig."

Girl Worker: "Are you serious?"

- Depaul Art Gallery, 2350 N. Kenmore

-- Submitted by Mike

They're like, a TOTALLY different country

Guy 1: "I think it would be cool to buy an island in the Florida Keys."

Guy 2: "I don't think Florida is selling them."

Guy 1: "No. The Florida Keys."

- Loyola Campus

-- Submitted by Pat

You say strawberry, I say strewbarry

Attendee 1: "Holy CRAP! They put strawberries in the salad!"

Attendee 2: "Yeah? They put strawberries in salads a lot now."

Attendee 1: "I don't remember the last time I had a strawberry. It's been FOREVER."

Attendee 2: "Better get used to them. Strawberries are the new tomato."

- Hyatt Regency Hotel Banquet

-- Submitted by Jeremi

It's better than being named Slaughterhouse Five

Girl: (on cell phone) "It's all about Vonnegut, man. We should ALL find it disturbing that the three most powerful men had the names Bush, Dick, and Colin."

- Depaul Campus

-- Submitted by Julia

Friday, April 07, 2006

Seriously. It probably isn't the right time.

Girl in next stall: (on cell) "Don't you bring Socrates into this!"

- Loyola University Bathroom

-- Submitted by Alicia

It must be the perfect life

Drag Queen: "...but the best thing about being gay is that you really have been there, done that."

- Wild Thursdays on Ashland

-- Submitted by Dave

It's okay. I'm Jewish.

Crazy guy sitting on the couch: "No man, Hitler was a cool dude. He was a total partier. He loved his beer and his women. And he also really loved dogs."

- Metropolis near the Granville Stop, Red Line

-- Submitted by Saroni

Vice President Paul Simon?

(Students, in class, listing the US presidents.)

Student 1: "Lincoln."

Student 2: "Garfield."

Student 3: "Hey.....I was going to say that one, but isnt it Garfunkel and not Garfield. Garfield is that stupid cat."

- North Suburban High School

-- Submitted by Barney C.

Thursday, April 06, 2006

That was sweet

(6'6", large framed construction worker on his cell phone)

Big Guy: "No. I feel terrible for missing half the day yesterday. I baked the foreman a banana bread, but he was a jerk to everyone yesterday, so he's not getting it. I only share my banana bread with special people."

- Walking down State

-- Submitted by Otis

You should see what the taco's look like

Office Guy: "The project manager took us to this fancy shmancy Mexican place the other day for lunch. Worst place I've ever been to."

Co-Worker: "Why's that?"

Office Guy: "Well, we walk in and I ask for chips and salsa. They say they don't have any. Then I order an enchilada platter. The platter comes out and it looks like three midget penises lined up in a row."

- 333 S. Wabash

-- Submitted by Tom G.

I'm sure eHarmony has her soulmate waiting for her

Delicate Flower: "Damnit! Yo, I'm tired a'waitin fo my soulmate! He betta get his ass over here right now!"

- Chiropractor Office on Central Ave.

-- Submitted by Yelena

No wonder the forest isn't all lit up

Grandmother to her grandson : "No, the tree is made of wood, but the street lights have electrical wires in them."

- Evanston

-- Submitted by Anjali

Just don't use them the same way

(Teen girl talking to friend in the weight room during P.E.)

Girl: "Oh my god! These machines are made by Magnum!"

Friend: "So?"

Girl: (slight whisper) "Isn't Magnum the company that makes those huge condoms?"

- A North Suburban High School

-- Submitted by Barney C.

This is SOOOO Columbia College

Content Dude: "I feel my best when I'm happy."

- Columbia College

-- Submitted by Lizz H.

You just need to find the lady missing one glass Nike

Payless Employee: "Man. I'm never gonna find a girlfriend working at Payless."

- Payless on State

-- Submitted by Stephanie

Girls are always nicest when talking about each other

(South Sider Girl in pink sweats and too much make-up is on her cell phone)

Girl: "...and she was all: 'I don't know, I'm from the north side!' Um, well, you're also a WHORE so get away from my friends! And she was old, like 26. Well, like 24 actually, but she was just a dumbass. I mean, most of the people we hang out with are like 30-something, so she fits in but, she's just a dumbass."

- Loyola Shuttle

-- Submitted by B

Wednesday, April 05, 2006

I hope he's far away

Businessman: (on cell phone) "How long would it take me to drive there?"

Businessman: "That's how long you have before you get your ass kicked."

- 200 E. Chestnut Lounge

-- Submitted by LTrain

Fine, but you're eating the wontons

Cell Phone Guy: (whiny voice) "Mexican food? Ahhh, fine, but promise me you'll eat the egg rolls."

- Hyde Park

-- Submitted by Mike B.

Yeah, it's at Wrigley Field

Guy: "... this place is amazing."

Buddy: "Yeah. Chicago is a lot bigger than back home."

Guy: (looking up and down street) "Man! Look at all these cars! Somebody's havin' a PAAAAAAAAARTY!"

- Wrigleyville

-- Submitted by Mike

Pretty please with a cherry on top?

Guy: "C'mon!"

Girl: "I'm NOT having an abortion!"

- Ashland Bus

-- Submitted by Maria

I mean, it COULD be a factor, right? RIGHT?

Fat Girl: "My mom told me yesterday that I'm only a lesbian because I'm fat. She said if I were skinny, I would attract guys."

- Loyola University Shuttle

-- Submitted by Dave

Tuesday, April 04, 2006

I've always wondered why they're called "squares"

(Two homeless guys sitting on a concrete partition)

Bum: "Hey, maaaaan. You gots any squares?"

Hobo: "What? Do I gots any what?"

Bum: "Squares, man. I gotsta smoke a square"

Hobo: "Why's you gots to call 'um squares, mutha' fucka'? Tha' shit make you sound stupid."

- Outside of Library purple line stop

-- Submitted by Ralph

It doesn't really work that way

McDonald's cashier: "You can get your own pop. It's around the corner to the left."

Woman with kids: "Shit! I ain't know the soda machine was 'round here. Next time imma bring my own cup."

- McDonald's at Union Station

-- Submitted by Cam

The sign of a great restaurant

Woman: "Wow, this must be great food. I see you have real Mexicans eating inside!"

- Campeche Mexican Restaurant

-- Submitted by Audrey

I would choose B

(Three black dudes walking down the street)

Black Guy 1: "It would be a helluva a choice."

Black Guy 2: "Yeah. It would be tough if you can't have both."

Black Guy 3: "You crazy? I would rather wake up and use a blount than get a suck-job. If I paid the bitch, she would do whatever I wanted, whenever I wanted, and I always pay my bitches."

- Walking down Randolph

-- Submitted by Kyle

Monday, April 03, 2006

Well, it's logical from his point of view

(Two guys leg pressing 650 pounds)

Jock: "...9, 10. All right, do your last set and let's get out of here."

Brainy Jock: (grabs two five pound plates and puts them on machine)

Jock: "What are you doing? Trying to one up me on your last set?"

Brainy: "No, I just want to make it an even 700 pounds."

Jock: "Uh, 650 plus 10 is 660, not 700."

Brainy: (ponders) "Shit. I'm thinking of time."

- Lifetime Fitness in Skokie

-- Submitted by Mike L.

His speedometer is off

(slow moving car passes by)

Genius: "Man! That car is going, like, 8 seconds a minute!"

- Wrigleyville

-- Submitted by Gary K.

Her standards are pretty high

Teen girl #1: "...But she looks like she's 8 years old."

Teen girl #2: "I know. But she kisses and she has an iPod."

- KB Toys on Fullerton

-- Submitted by Maria

They're pretty much mutually exclusive

Macho man: "I'm not gay, so I don't know much about Broadway musicals."

- Bus Stop on Grand Ave.

-- Submitted by Katie

I think it just bruises the baby's head

Girl in Von Dutch cap: "You can have sex when you're pregnant right?"

Guy: "I'm pretty sure you can."

Girl 2: "I heard you were supposed to, even."

Girl in Von Dutch cap: "Yeah. Doesn't it make the baby come faster?"

- Blue Line

-- Submitted by Stephanie

Sunday, April 02, 2006

That's the same way I like my vegeterian dishes.

(Teen Girl walks into Chipotle, arms full of religious literature)

Server: "Can I help you?"

Teen Girl: "Yes. I'd like a vegeterian burrito please. But instead of beans I'd like beef."

- Chipotle in the Loop

-- Submitted by Shawna

What about pocket tees?

Guy 1: "Think about Old Navy Performance Fleece. It's the gayest thing around."

Guy 2: "How do you figure?"

Guy 1: "Just say the words: Performance Fleece. See what I mean?"

- Lincoln and Wrightwood

-- Submitted by firegod

California listens to a lot of those.

Bag Lady: "State of California!! Don't listen to her! She's a whore! STATE OF CALIFORNIA! DON'T LISTEN TO HER! SHE'S A WHORE!

- Near the UIC Campus

-- Submitted by Marvin

Actually, it's mine

Guy:  "I hope that's a girl's car."

-- Pointing at a car with the license plate "SOSEXY"

- State and Congress

-- Submitted by Maria

Saturday, April 01, 2006

His vision could be really bad!

Well endowed girl: "...but calc shouldn't be too bad. You know, Mike?"

Mike: "Yeah. It's pretty tough. I hate calc."

Girl: "Did you even hear what I said?"

Mike: "Yeah. Calc is bad."

Girl: "Maybe if you stared at my face instead of my chest you would pay more attention."

Mike: "I'm sorry. I forgot my glasses and don't have my contacts in. I thought I WAS staring at your face."

- UIC Campus

-- Submitted by John S.

I HATE money trouble

Suit: (on cell) "I can't BELIEVE you're worrying about this."

Suit: "No. NO! I'm trying to figure out whether to buy a hundred thousand dollar car and you're worried if there's going to be money for an engagement ring?"


Suit: "Yes. I love you, too. Bye."

- Sears Tower

-- Submitted by Valerie A.

Philosophy at it's finest

Girl: "Do you ever wonder what would happen if wheels were actually square instead of round?"

Girl 2: "Seriously! Would we still sing 'the wheels on the bus go round and round?'''

Girl: "Yeah! And would cars and stuff drive as smooth?"

Girl 2: "Whoa. We're pretty deep."

- On the Niles Free Shuttle

-- Submitted by K.J.