Monday, March 31, 2008

Like a solid-liquid

Restaurant Guest: "Summer in Arizona isn't really too bad. It's more of a dry-humid."

- T.G.I. Friday's

-- Submitted by Amused Server


Guy: "YES! Resveratrol is like the cure all!"

Woman: "Resvera-what?"

Guy: "The beneficial ingredient in red wine. I take it because I can't drink wine. It tastes like metal to me."

Woman: "I can't drink wine either. I don't like the taste. But if I had to drink something I didn't like, it would have to be wrapped in warm meat. Like beef or something."

- South Loop

-- Submitted by Four Eyes

...until today.

Guy: "Did you ever feel like you could walk on water? Seriously, if you knew what i just did, you would fall down and worship me. I haven't had a drink in two years."

- Wrigleyville

-- Submitted by Michael

Friday, March 28, 2008

These two sound destined for marriage.

Girl: "Where do you want to go for dinner?"

Guy: "Anywhere."

Girl: "You always say that and then you always complain about where we go!"

Guy: "Because you always pick sucky restaurants."

Girl: "Then you choose."

Guy: "No way. Then I can't get mad at the stupidity of your choice."

- Northwestern

-- Submitted by Gravy

It's like a make-up call in basketball

Guy: (on cell) "I just don't know why disabled chicks always have the biggest racks. It's like, didn't God punish you by making you a little different? Why'd he have to make you juggalicious?"

- Red Line

-- Submitted by Cracking Up

Why bother stopping anymore?

Bus Driver: "I knew I was going to hit her; I just didn't know I was going to hit her that hard. Shattered the windshield."

- #50 Damen Southbound

-- Submitted by Jane

Thursday, March 27, 2008 get cancer.

Girl #1: "Why does this coffee taste like cigarettes?"

Girl #2: "Because it's lucky."

- DeKalb

-- Submitted by Chris

So she's pretty much done.

Guy #1: "It's sink or swim time?"

Guy #2: "No. It was sink or swim time about two weeks ago. Now she's trying to untie the stone from her feet. And her arms. And her head."

- South Loop

-- Submitted by Liz

Like what?

Guy: (on cell) "Giiiiirrrrllll, I have helped out SO MANY lesbians. It's time they gave something back."

- Boystown

-- Submitted by Megan

Wednesday, March 26, 2008

Wise choice, but there's not really a good view.

Girl: "If you could choose to be anywhere in the world right now, where would you be?"

Guy: "Anywhere?"

Girl: "Anywhere."

Guy: "In your pants."

- O'Malley's

-- Submitted by Eddie B.

Sounds like a family oriented gal.

Girl #1: "I'm going to quit my job."

Girl #2: "What are you going to do for money?"

Girl #1: "How hard is it to find a new job?"

Girl #2: "True."

Girl #1: "Besides, as long as my parents keep fighting, I can keep milking my dad for cash. Might as well get some satisfaction."

- Red Line

-- Submitted by Leila

Smart ass.

Girl: "What's it going to take to motivate you to work out more?"

Guy: "I don't know."

Girl: "What if I withhold all physical activity?"

Guy: "You mean like working out?"

- Northwestern

-- Submitted by Stan

Tuesday, March 25, 2008

Just when it was getting good.

Girl: (on cell) "All right honey, I have to go. No way! I'm not going to. Fine. (pinches own butt) No I will not pinch those too! Enough people are probably looking right now!"

- Union Station

-- Submitted by S-Rider

Someone's fishing for unemployment benefits.

Boss: "When was the last time you came to work on time?"

Employee: "About the last time I gave a damn about your questions."

- West Loop Office Building

-- Submitted by Stunned Coworker

By giving him the opportunity to talk about himself?

Girl #1: "...and he asked me out for lunch."

Girl #2: "So why did you say yes?"

Girl #1: "It's the first word I thought of, and I can't back out now. That's in poor taste."

Girl #2: "So you're going to eat lunch with him even though you aren't interested?"

Girl #1: "I figure I just won't talk the entire time. Just silently bore him to death."

- Loyola

-- Submitted by Quasar

Monday, March 24, 2008

Yeah. Stick with option B. Dumbass.

Guy: (on cell) "What are my options, you ask? Take the job and be happy or kill myself being a slave to the man. Yeah, but I make more money being a slave. How much of a pay cut should I take to be happy?"

- Green Line

-- Submitted by Carlos

So, too clear is opaque?

Guy: "Do you think it's fair that he doesn't know?"

Girl: "He knows. He just won't accept it. If I was any clearer, I'd be not clear. Then he'd just be confused."

Guy: "How can you be too clear?"

Girl: "Have you seen the ocean? Yeah, like that."

- Red Line

-- Submitted by Griller

Maybe she's allergic.

Guy: (on cell) "Giiiirl, you know how I know you're really a vegan? You didn't swallow when you gave that guy a bj!"

- Boystown - Halsted

-- Submitted by MM

Friday, March 21, 2008

So you're going as a dude with a beard?

Guy: "I'm going to dress up as Jesus. Your mother thinks it's blasphemous, but I'll do it respectfully. I'm not going as Jesus on the cross, I'm going as Jesus before the cross."

- City Hall

-- Submitted by Teresa

So, it WASN'T a couch.

Guy #1: "I'm going to need a new couch."

Guy #2: "Are you going to get it delivered?"

Guy #1: "No. I figure I'll just load it on to your back and have you carry it for me."

Guy #2: "I did that already. Except the couch was you and you were passed out. And then you peed on my back and threw up on my hair."


-- Submitted by Flame

No. Totally not. Go for it.

Guy #1: "Did I tell you about the next tat I was going to get?"

Guy #2: "No."

Guy #1: "I'm going to get it in a place with more cushioning."

Guy #2: "Of what?"

Guy #1: "Two unicorns facing each other, maybe with a rainbow flowing between them, but only if the rainbow isn't too gay."

- Brown Line

-- Submitted by Murph

Thursday, March 20, 2008

That would be....interesting.

Guy #1: "Let's go play beer pong."

Guy #2: "Why?"

Guy #1: "Because it's fun."

Guy #2: "But we suck at it."

Guy #1: "Yeah. But if you play a chick and aim at her shirt, you may score."

Guy #2: "Sweet. Does that mean she has to drink her boobs?"

- Wells and Locust

-- Submitted by Clyde

At least there's good news, right?

Woman: (on cell) "The good news is that it's not AIDS. The bad news is that it might be cancer."

- Outside Northwestern Hospital

-- Submitted by Tingle

Spongebob isn't crazy, he's just an idiot.

Woman: (to child) "You and Spongebob are BOTH crazy!"

- Downtown

-- Submitted by Stella

Wednesday, March 19, 2008

He knew how to find a wife.

Man: "You want to fill out a bracket?"

Woman: "I don't know anything about college basketball."

Man: "Those are the people that always win!"

Woman: "My husband doesn't know jack about anything. Why hasn't he won anything in his life?"

- North Side Office

-- Submitted by Creep

It's never fair game.

Woman: "I have to lose this baby weight so my husband will find me attractive again."

Man: "That's so true."

Woman: "You're not supposed to agree with me!"

Man: "You threw it out there! I thought it was fair game!"

- Metra Pacific

-- Submitted by Janey

Does it rhyme with Ridiot?

Guy #1: "I can't tie this stupid tie!"

Guy #2: "My dad actually taught me a little rhyme so I could learn how to tie ties."

Guy #1: "How did it go?"

Guy #2: "I don't remember. It was stupid and didn't work."

- West Loop Office

-- Submitted by Tanya

Tuesday, March 18, 2008

I'd be worried at around 300. But I'm solid muscle.

Guy #1: "So how's Jim doing?"

Guy #2: "He's just staying fat. He's starting to think he's in trouble."

Guy #1: "Starting? It's just like those guys on Springer who ask Jerry for help when they're 800 pounds. Were they at six bills thinking, 'It's cool. I'm still in control?' Did they start getting worried at 700? Why is 800 pounds their miracle number?"

- Metra Milwaukee North Line

-- Submitted by Lisa

Sounds like the fun guy in the group.

Guy: "Let's fuck this bar stuff and go play some Rock Band!"

- Red Line

-- Submitted by Jessica C.

What about milk? Or wheat? Or anything NOT sugar?

Woman: "I get my food groups from Starburst! SNAP!"

- South Water Street

-- Submitted by K

Monday, March 17, 2008


Little Kid: (To Self Check-Out Machine) "You're taking JOBS! I'm gonna KILL YOU!"

- Meijer's in Elgin

-- Submitted by Geoff

What about the cupcakes? THE CUPCAKES?!

Server: "This is the real world, kid. There are no sprinkles."

- Ed Debevic's

-- Submitted by Christine

Crazy guy? I think not.

Crazy guy: (wearing a Tupac towel like a cape) "I hate the Cubs, I hate Bush, I hate Obama, and I hate the Pope! I don't believe Machiavelli came back, but Tupac? Tupac came back! I believe in Tupac."

- Roosevelt Red Line Station

-- Submitted by Elena

Wednesday, March 12, 2008

Tuesday, March 11, 2008

What about cottage cheese?

Guy #1: "You can pretty much put any food on a stick and market it."

Guy #2: "Oh yeah?"

Guy #1: "Think about it: Pretzel stick on a stick. We're going to be rich! RICH!"

- South Loop

-- Submitted by Dave

With a long, long neck.

Guy: (on cell) "If you were any more uppity, you'd have your head so far up your ass that it would come out of your neck! IT DOESN'T MATTER IF THAT'S NORMAL! IT WOULD BE IN YOUR ASS!"

- O'Hare CTA Station

-- Submitted by Michael

Yes. They always just sit there. Staring at you. With cream cheese on them.

Bus Driver: (over speaker) "Please report any vandals. Vandalism costs the CTA over $4,000 per year."

Rider: "Bagels? Did he say bagels?"

- #146 Bus

-- Submitted by Diesel

Monday, March 10, 2008

It all depends on the fabric.

Passing Guy: "Look at that guy. He's carrying a purse. Do you see that? A purse!"

'Purse' Guy: "First, I can hear you. Second, it's not a purse, it's a tote bag. Third, I'm holding it for my mom, who's behind me. Fourth, if you don't apologize, I'm pretty much going to break your face."

- Donald E. Stephens Convention Center

-- Submitted by Amal

Dwight? Dwight Shrute?

Guy: (on cell) "I just want to get drunk and play some laser tag. I really want to shoot some little kids."

- 22 Clark Bus

-- Submitted by MM

Randy: That's very bad.

Girl: (on cell) "Finding out that Chris Brown and Rihanna have a relationship was better than sex with Randy. So, yeah. It was bad."

- Fullerton "L" Stop

-- Submitted by Aiea

Friday, March 07, 2008

Sounds like paradise, with a lesser degree. And hippies.

Girl: "Did you get any acceptance letters yet?"

Indie Friend: "No, I'm going to get my associates degree first. And I was really dreading going to community college, but oh my god. There's a Whole Foods, Borders, and a vintage record store within a five mile radius. I may never want to leave."

Girl: "Wow."

- Woodfield Mall

-- Submitted by April

Don't make him get the jalapeno crew

(Server puts food on table)

Customer Guy: "Lady! Do NOT disrespect my nachos!"

- Buffalo Wild Wings, Niles

-- Submitted by Jose

Uh. No?

Woman #1: "...tomorrow at 2:30..."

Woman #2: "Wait! This year?!"

- Orange Line

-- Submitted by Eve's Dropper

Wednesday, March 05, 2008

That's quite a fetish.

Guy: (on cell) "Dude. I'm telling you. My penis would go through walls like steel through paper. Because that's how I roll."

- Lincoln Park

-- Submitted by J

Wrong mouth

Girl: (on cell) "Really? Because I'm sick and tired of getting bubble gum out of your underwear."

- Ontario Street

-- Submitted by Lavelle

Mission Accomplished

Guy: "Why do you always bob your head like there's music playing?"

Girl: "Usually people think I'm listening to music and leave me alone."

Guy: "But you're not wearing headphones."

Girl: "That's so they think I'm crazy."

- Blue Line

-- Submitted by Cowboy Bob

Tuesday, March 04, 2008

Driving with him must suck

Girl: (on cell) "Oh my GOD, Robbie. Just because it says 'The North Face' on the hat, doesn't mean the logo has to be pointing in that direction all the time. Are you constantly turning it around like a top or do you just like pretending to be a compass?"


-- Submitted by James

Must be nepotism

Guy: "I told him that if he hires her, he's not only going to lose me, he's going to lose half his staff!"

Girl: "So what did he say?"

Guy: "He fired me."

- Red Line

-- Submitted by Black Hat


Girl: "I'll need some beer when I get home."

Guy: "Let me know and I can stop by the store and get some."

Girl: "If we don't have any, maybe I'll just drink some Johnny and ginger ale."

Guy: "Oh, boy! I like how those nights end!"

- Greek Town

-- Submitted by Ben

Monday, March 03, 2008

An unoriginal Aboriginal?

Guy: "Yeah, she's like a lesbian now, and her partner is an Aboriginal."

- Emerald Loop

-- Submitted by Dewey

More like Foot, Kick, Crotch.

Guy #1: "I'll Ro Sham Bo you for it!"

Guy #2: "Is that like Rock, Paper, Scissors?"

Guy #1: "Kind of, but we don't shoot at the same time. And you'll cry a lot more. And never have kids."

- Loyola

-- Submitted by Ramblin' Man

Mine too, but the bear is Jessica Alba and the ice cream is, well, forget it.

5 Year Old Girl: "Daddy, have you ever seen a bear eat ice cream?"

Dad: "No. Have you?"

5 Year Old Girl: "Yes."

Dad: "Where?"

5 Year Old Girl: "In my dreams."

- Naperville

-- Submitted by Laura