Friday, September 28, 2007

Trying to dash someone's dreams?

Dad walking with daughter

Dad: (pointing to homeless guys) "Look! There are the other art majors."

- Columbia College

-- Submitted by Bea

Do they look like the mother or the father?

Girl #1: "I just don't understand how poop as big as a watermelon comes out of a kid that's 1."

Girl #2: "Maybe she saves it up all day?"

Girl #1: "No way. I haven't taken a dump in weeks and I can't produce that stuff. This girl goes into labor and delivers fecal babies."

- Macy's, downtown

-- Submitted by Ro

At least you don't drink and drive.

Guy: (on cell) "No, man. No drinking tonight. Or ever. Don't play stupid. 44 cuts and bruises later you know why. Yeah, but you guys dared me. I've jumped over the balcony on to a skateboard before. I had two beers in my hand. Lost my balance."

- Red Line

-- Submitted by Carol

Wednesday, September 26, 2007

Start bobbing in the lake. Maybe Mr. Right will come around and save you.

Trixie #1: "I do love him, but I'm not sure. I mean, he didn't even get me a decent gift for our one year anniversary. And he doesn't make that much money."

Trixie #2: "Well, money is important, but it's not everything. Maybe someday he'll make more."

Trixie #1: "But I really want a sailboat."

Trixie #2: "I know. If you can't afford your own boat, you'll just have to make friends with people who have boats."

Trixie #1: "I want it now!"

- Mambo Grill

-- Submitted by AnnoyedByBachelorettes

Must be a psych major

College Guy #1: "How'd you do?"

College Guy #2: "Awesome! I got a 71%!"

College Guy #1: "I wouldn't say a 71% is awesome, but it's good that you passed."

College Guy #2: "Whatever, bro. Degree eligible passing means I get a diploma. That diploma proves to my dad that I'm not as retarded as he says I am."

- Loyola University

-- Submitted by Ramblin' Man

Very carefully

New Mom: "...but, if you'll excuse me, I have to go freeze my milk."

Genius: "How do you do that while it's still in your breast?"

- Mt. Prospect

-- Submitted by Genevieve

Tuesday, September 25, 2007

They're at the zoo now?

Teen Girl: "Let's go to the Australia House! I want to see the emos!"

- Brookfield Zoo

-- Submitted by Anne Hedonia

I agree with the order.

Guy #1: "I'm going to quit."

Guy #2: "But you don't have another job yet."

Guy #1: "But I've been on five interviews. One of them will hit."

Guy #2: "And if it doesn't?"

Guy #1: "I'm just going to sell my wife. Then my kids. Then maybe the car."

Guy #2: "At least you have your priorities straight."

- Red Line

-- Submitted by Francisco

Ahhhh, high school

Dork #1: "You going to get Halo 3 tonight?"

Dork #2: "I'm going to wait in line right after school. I want to be the first one to get it."

Dork #1: "Totally. I want to get as many achievements as possible before I get to bed."

Dork #2: "Me too."

Guy: "Hey nerds. Are you guys seriously getting wood over a gamerscore? You do realize you can't trade those points for a girlfriend and a real life, right?"

- Niles West High School

-- Submitted by Elon

Friday, September 21, 2007

One track mind.

Student #1: "We getting drunk tonight?"

Student #2: "Nah. I'm hanging out with a new chick."

Student #1: "So let's all get drunk."

Student #2: "It's Wednesday and we're going to be studying."

Student #1: "That's fine. You can drink and study at the same time."

Student #2: "No. We have a test coming up. I have to do well."

Student #1: "What better way to relax than to get shitty?"

Student #2: "I don't know. How about studying the material, knowing it going in, and doing well on the test? That seems to be relaxing AND it gets me good grades."

Student #1: "But it doesn't taste as good."


-- Submitted by Al

Interesting course of action

Woman: (on cell) "Have you changed her? Fed her? Burped her? Is she tired? Gassy? Oh, wait, John. Has she tried to eat your nose? That always seems to work."

- Metra Milwaukee District North

-- Submitted by Rider

Ghost phone theory

(Cell phone rings)

Guy #1: "You know. I haven't had a cell phone in almost three years, but every time one rings, I have to see if it's mine."

Guy #2: "Does it happen with certain rings?"

Guy #1: "No. It happens with any ring. I don't remember what mine was, so I always check my pockets to see if it's in there. Hiding. Taunting me. Ready to strike."

- Blue Line

-- Submitted by Jenny

Thursday, September 20, 2007

I'd be more impressed if she turned meat into cash.

Girl: "It's still boggles my mind that I can turn meat into milk."

Guy: "It's like you're a breast feeding Jesus."

- Skokie

-- Submitted by Rena

That's called death, sweetie.

Girl: (on cell) "Does your brain ever shut the hell up?"

- Grant Park

-- Submitted by Queenie

Unless he wanted to make them cluck like chickens.

Guy #1: "...and I kept searching but I couldn't find the course."

Guy #2: "There's no course for hypnosis, dude. And even if there was, it's not like it would make you any better with women."

- Red Line

-- Submitted by Loopy Larry

Wednesday, September 19, 2007

Must suck to be e-cool

College Girl: "That's the girl who added me on Facebook, but won't say hi to me in real life."

- Columbia College Elevator

-- Submitted by Alexandria

Touche, sir.

Guy #1: "I can't wait for the new season of shows to start."

Guy #2: "Totally. That's when all the loser like you leave all the hot chicks to studs like me."

Guy #1: "Studs who can't talk about new shows!"

- DePaul

-- Submitted by Clyde

Everyone copes in their own way.

Older Woman: (on cell) "I'm not going to the wake unless I can pick the music they're going to play. None of that creepy Jesus stuff. I want something that'll wake up the dead."

- Green Line

-- Submitted by High Roller

Tuesday, September 18, 2007

Dirty mind

Girl: (on cell) "Hey Robbie. What do you need help with? They're stuck where? Well pull them out. They can't be stuck that bad. How did you get them in their? No it's not funny. They're probably going to be a mess when you get them out of that thing. I'm not coming over to help you, I have to get to class. Pull them out and I'll check on them later. Bye."

Girl: (to friend) "That was Robbie. He put his geckos in the orange juice container and now they won't come out. He's such a dipshit."

- Blue Line

-- Submitted by Leonid

Only if you don't understand the piece.

Girl: "Do you think it's better to be an artist or a musician?"

Guy: "Technically, those are both artists."

Girl: "Yeah, but one you listen to and the other you mock."

- Art Institute

-- Submitted by ZillaG

The intelligence of the student

Guy #1: "...and I just got my credit card bill. I have no idea how I'm going to pay it."

Guy #2: "If you don't know how to pay it, then just pay a little bit. Finance charges will KILL you."

Guy #1: "I can't even afford the minimum."

Guy #2: "Then why'd you charge all that stuff to the card?"

Guy #1: "I just figured I could pay it with a different card. Just have it keep going back and forth. Balance transfers and stuff."

Guy #2: "And?"

Guy #1: "My parents wouldn't help me get a second card."


-- Submitted by Clambake

Monday, September 17, 2007

These guys must be married.

College Guy #1: "Does she talk?"

College Guy #2: "What do you mean does she talk? Of course she talks."

College Guy #1: "Oh, well I was just wondering cause I've never heard her talk before. I thought maybe she was mute."

College Guy #2: "Oh, no. She talks."

College Guy #1: "That would be pretty cool if she was mute though, wouldn't it?"

College Guy #2: "Yeah. That would be pretty fucking awesome."

- Red Line

-- Submitted by Nah Nah

She doesn't close out the show

College girl: "I'm a music major studying voice."

Girl #2: "Oh, so you sing! Do you want to be on Broadway?"

Girl #1: "No, I study classical singing. I want to be a professional opera singer."

Girl #1: "Oh. So, why aren't you fat?"

- University Center on State St.

-- Submitted by Alexis

Compassion for your fellow man

Girl: "I don't care if you have cancer or not! I'll still kick your ass!"

- Cinemark Movie Theater, Evanston

-- Submitted by Skeeech

Thursday, September 13, 2007

Wednesday, September 12, 2007

It's a vicious cycle.

Girl: "So she called and wanted to know why you were so pissy."

Guy: "Did you tell her why?"

Girl: "I don't know why."

Guy: "Good. Great. Now you know why I'm in such a bad mood."

Girl: "Because I don't know why you're in a bad mood."

Guy: "Do you see the circle of anger you create?"

- Loyola

-- Submitted by Ramblin' Man

They must be bees.

Girl: (on cell) "...and my nipples stung too."

- 1300 block of N. Cleaver

-- Submitted by Andy (Check out Andy's radio show)

The Hancock it is.

Old Woman 1: (confused) "Wait, which building is it?"

Old Woman 2: (yelling) "The one that looks like a vagina!!"

- Millenium Park

-- Submitted by Rachel

Tuesday, September 11, 2007

Hooray for brains!

Girl #1: "Did you hear what Sarah Silverman said about her kids? How can you call them mistakes?"

Girl #2: "She wasn't calling the kids mistakes, idiot. She was saying Britney treats them like mistakes. Why can't you think instead of just taking for something at face value."

Girl #1: "I just don't think Britney should be made into example. I mean, she's under a lot of pressure."

Girl #2: "A lot of pressure? The only pressure that girl feels is the pressure her weight puts on her knees. She's a perfect example of the most fucked up, white-trash parent out there. Instead of going clubbing 5 days a week, maybe she should spend time with her kids. Sorry. Spend time with her kids and NOT using them as coasters and ashtrays."


-- Submitted by Michelle

Almost as good as Britney.

Woman: (on cell) "I would talk longer, but I got to go home with my daughter and watch Ellen. We watch every day. My day ain't complete without Ellen. She has a lot of rhythm for a white girl."

- Red Line

-- Submitted by Alex

I hear they're doing amazing thing with teleportation devices.

Disgruntled girl: "Damn! I was complaining about bus cuts but maybe we can cross the damn street!"

Friend: "How would we get to work?"

- In front of Water Tower Place

-- Submitted by JJ

Monday, September 10, 2007

Math shmath

Bears Fan #1: "There's only one thing I can't stand more than a Bears loss."

Bears Fan #2: "What's that?"

Bears Fan #1: "Women. And Children."

Bears Fan #2: "That's two things."

Bears Fan #1: "SHUT UP!"

- ESPN Zone

-- Submitted by Kyle

Someone call Miss Teen South Carolina! QUICKLY!

Girl #1: "I just moved here from Providence."

Girl #2: "Oh? Where's that?"

Girl #1: "In Rhode Island."

Girl #2: "Oh, in New York?"

Girl #1: "No, Rhode Island."

Girl #2: "Aw, right, like near Manhattan."

Girl #1: "No, the state. Rhode Island."

Girl #2: "Oh yeah! That's real small isn't it? It's up by Maine? I'm picturing my US Map."

- E 53rd and Blackstone

-- Submitted by AR

For safety or tips?

Police Officer: "It's just great in here! You can just sit and eat whatever! I could spend all day in here!"

Barista: "We could definitely use you in the morning."

- Belmont and Clark Starbucks

-- Submitted by maitri

Friday, September 07, 2007

In trouble? More like, in her pants.

Drunk, Middle-Aged Guy#1: "That girl in the white pants. Right there. No underwear. She definitely isn't wearing any underwear."

Drunk, Middle-Aged Guy#2: "Oh man. If that was me, we would be in trouble!"

- Near Wrigley Field

-- Submitted by Ewwww

Cracker Barrel is everywhere.

Man: "There are no Cracker Barrels around here! There is no Cracker Barrel!"

Child: "Why should I believe you? You've been lying to me all day."

- Ikea, Schaumburg

-- Submitted by Sick of Ikea

It's right near the new Wacama

Girl (cell): "Oh you know what, I bet I know where you could get that: Appalachia."

- Broadway

-- Submitted by Amanda

Wednesday, September 05, 2007

Matchmaker, matchmaker, make me a match!

Homeless Guy: "What do you want to be when you grow up? Hey you, what are you gonna be?"

Guy: "A lawyer."

Homeless dude: "What about you?"

Girl: "Rich!"

Homeless dude: "Sally, meet Harry. He gonna be a lawyer and you gonna be rich. A match made in heaven if I ever saw one."

- Red Line, 2 AM

-- Submitted by Maria

Well la-de-da, Princess Cleanytown.

Woman: (on cell) "I don't understand why he doesn't like me. He likes that dirty girl from target. At least I shower."

- Diversey and Clark

-- Submitted by DM

Who needs sweatshops?

Girl: "Guess what, guys? She's only 50% psychotic. So that means if we get her working on an assembly line and doing an 8 ball, we'll be good-to-go!"

- Water Tower Place

-- Submitted by Greeny

Tuesday, September 04, 2007

The sad part: He wasn't really drunk.

Drunk Bears Fan: "Look at those Velociraptors trying to bone each other!"

- Outside the Field Museum

-- Submitted by Marie

Hope you all had a good holiday. Don't forget to check out the store!

Chivalry is dead

Guy #1: "She's like 24 and he's like 36."

Guy #2: "Dude, he's going to be dead in about 20 years, then what is she going to do?"

Guy #1: "I'm not gonna date her."

- Brown Line

-- Submitted by CDM

You have to be a Thetan Level 900?

Guy#1: "Be careful. It's a high security area."

Guy #2: "They got laser beams in there."

Guy #1: "You got to be Tom Cruise to get in there."

- Northwestern University

-- Submitted by Ivan