Monday, October 26, 2009

Where the whole family can enjoy a meal. And then get the hell out.

Guy: "Next!"

Girl: "I'd like a soup/sandwich combo."

Guy: "Which soup do you want?"

Girl: "Which soups do you have?"

Guy: "See that big ass board behind me with all of our items? You may want to read it before you waste my time. NEXT!"

Girl: "It's like you're the real Soup Nazi."

Guy: "No. That turd's got nothing on me. Now go to Taco Bell. They like fat chicks there."

- North Suburbs, Restaurant Chain Redacted

-- Submitted by Yikes

I'm willing to challenge this theory.

Girl: "Ok, so the point is: rats have fur, and furriers can make any fur look like gold."

- Michigan Ave, near the Tribune building

-- Submitted by Midori

I guess money DOESN'T buy everything

Guy: "White dudes, they wear whack shoes, whack clothes. I see them, they're wearing ratty-ass shirts, ratty ass pants; but they get money, so it don't matter. White people got whack hygiene in general; but they get money, so it don't matter!"

- Damen bus

-- Submitted by A White dude

Wednesday, October 21, 2009

Being ugly and married, perhaps.

Girl: "I said, 'You're with your wife?' And then he asks me why I didn't congratulate him. For what?"

- Ravenswood

-- Submitted by ecobox

Kids are stupid assholes.

Girl #1: "...and then I saw that bitch walking out of THE GAP!"

Girl #2: "Oh, gross."

Girl #3: "She doesn't deserve life."

- Corner of Oak and Rush

-- Submitted by Matt F.

Plans are for suckers, that's why.

Woman: (on cell) "Why would you go to Minnesota and not have a way to get back?"

- Illinois Center

-- Submitted by Becky

Friday, October 09, 2009

This chick REALLY loves teddy bears.

Girl #1: "...he's finally taking me on a date."

Girl #2: "Where are you guys going?"

Girl #1: "I don't know, but if he takes me to Build-A-Bear, he's definitely going to be getting a BJ."

- Northwestern

-- Submitted by Jen

Next he'll tell you about his bad beat in a 2 cent poker hand.

Guy #1: "Do you know how many fantasy points I lost by not playing their defense?"

Guy #2: "Do you know how many teeth you're going to lose if you keep talking to me about that stupid shit?"

- Aon Building

-- Submitted by Bobby

Someone had a date cancelled.

Guy: "I'm going to start planning events 5 years in advance. That way, people can't tell me that a month wasn't enough of an advanced notice."

- Loyola

-- Submitted by Guy

Wednesday, October 07, 2009

There are better detergents

Girl: "...and now my underwear smells like Drano."

- Northwestern

-- Submitted by Dale

I'm sure that's her plan.

Guy: (on cell) "And if you see the mail lady, tell her to stop feeding the mail to the dog, would ya?"

- Metra South Shore

-- Submitted by Indy

Wouldn't that be the three of skanks?

Guy: "If you were a suited card, what would you be?"

Girl: "The two of clubs."

Guy: "Why's that?"

Girl: "Because I love going to clubs and love threesomes."

- Speed Dating, North Side

-- Submitted by Woo Hoo

Monday, October 05, 2009

Killing the earth one equation at a time.

Greenpeace Guy: "So, I bet you like forests!"

Woman: "No. I'm a mathematician. I kill trees by the ream."

- Michigan Avenue

-- Submitted by two2blue

Any guy will obviously do.

Guy: "Hey, is that chick crying?"


- Under the Red Line at Argyle

-- Submitted by Bordello

The first part is heroic. Or very sad.

Guy: "Trust me, I used to gang bang and I had my ear pierced."

- Wrigley bleachers

-- Submitted by Remy

Friday, October 02, 2009

Olympic Sadness: Part 1

Guy #1: "Do you think we'll ever try again?"

Guy #2: "It depends. How much money is left in the 'Daley's Cronies' account?"

- West Loop

-- Submitted by Allison

Olympic Sadness: Part 2

Girl: "In the first round? We should have at least been finalists!"

Guy: "What's the difference when you lose?"

Girl: "Posterity, I guess."

- North Side Office Building

-- Submitted by Jay

Olympic Sadness: Part 3

Guy: "Do you think it's because Rio's hookers are hotter?"

- Daley Center

-- Submitted by Olympic Woeful

Thursday, October 01, 2009

One and the same.

Guy #1 (pointing at bus seat): "These seats are bigger."
Guy #2: "No, they're like, a new material. They're different from those plastic ones."
Guy #1: "But I'm saying, they're bigger."
Guy #2: "Oh, are they?"
Guy #1: "Yea. To accommodate all the fat people in Chicago."
Guy #2: "I've been to St. Louis, and I think they have the most fat people anywhere."
Guy #1: "That's because of Jack in the Box and shit."

- #146 Bus

-- Submitted by Diane

Check and mate.

Guy: "Why are girls dumb?"

Girl: "It's not that we're dumb. It's that we have to pander to the lowest common denominator."

Guy: "Who's that?"

- DePaul

-- Submitted by Jeff

7 of them.

Female Employee: "I watched the 2nd Shrek the other night, it was pretty funny!"

Male Employee: "Oh yeah. I heard about that. Don't they have a shorty in that one?"

- North Suburban Home Depot

-- Submitted by Joanna

Tuesday, September 29, 2009

You're using them on your own mom?

Guy #1: "Yea, I dig her, but she's so not my type."

Guy#2: "What, this one fights back?"

Guy #1: "Yea, I got tired of your mom just laying there."

Guy #2: "Me too, that's why I bought the nip clamps."

- Lawrence Stop

-- Submitted by Ben

Better than burns.

Kid: "Our Aunt. You know the thing that borns your cousin?"

- Boystown iHop

-- Submitted by Sarah

Someone wasn't a good neighbor

Guy: "What do you mean you never watched Mr. Roger's Neighborhood?"
Girl: "Nope never did."
Guy: "Oh my God that's insane! What are you a communist?"
Girl: "No! I grew up watchin MTV not Mr. Roger whatever the fuck."

- Bowman's

-- Submitted by North Center Snoop

Friday, September 25, 2009

Goal 2: Be a self serving bitch.

Woman: "My goal is to travel the world, though, so I don't give a shit."

- Wacker and Michigan

-- Submitted by Katie

(No posts Monday due to Yom Kippur. Back Tuesday.)

Someone check his eyebrows.

Guy: "Hair color? Just put bald! It's never coming back!"

- Chicago Central DMV

-- Submitted byAshley B.

And the pigs are concerned, too.

Girl: "Speaking of which, we've been meaning to talk about you about your bacon consumption. We're worried about your arteries. "

- Roosevelt

-- Submitted by Dwade

Thursday, September 24, 2009

What's he moving down there? WHAT?!?!

Woman: "Now, girlfriend. If you feel it happening, and he starts moving it toward your butt, you best stop that, 'cause that ain't gonna go down. It ain't happenin'."

- Red Line at Fullerton

--Submitted by Classy C

He must work for Sprint.

Guy #1: "I've lost four phones in five months."

Guy #2: "Is your ass eating your phones or something?"

Guy #3: "'Boop.' My ass just swallowed your phone."

- Roscoe's Bar, Boystown

-- Submitted by CJ

No stalking = No need for a babysitter

Girl: "So the only reason I stalk you on weekends is cause I miss you and I want to hang out with you. Plus, I need someone to take care of my baby."

- Brown/Purple Line Chicago

-- Submitted by Rohit

Tuesday, September 22, 2009

A jazz club opened in Michigan once. It was summarily destoryed 10 minutes later. By women.

Guy: "I don't know what to do with this girl tonight."

Girl: "Go to the Chicago Jazz Festival!"

Guy: "She is from Michigan. Michigan girls don't like jazz music."

- Canal & Adams

-- Submitted by Melissa

Just draw them on the old fashioned way!

Woman: (on cell) "They grow really, really quickly don't worry. You'll have your eyebrow back in a few weeks, I promise"

- Panera Bread, Evanston

-- Submitted by Hof-Brau

He's probably right.

Lady: "So I sat at a stop sign for two minutes waiting for it to turn green. My son turned to me and said, 'Mom you have to stop smoking that pot.'"

- Downtown @ a wedding

-- Submitted by Brian

Monday, September 21, 2009

The Berensteins are going to be angry by this revelation.

Guy: "It's a little known fact, in fact i may be the only one to know, but, if you translate The Raven by Edgar Allen Poe to German and then back to English again, you get the entire Berenstein Bears story."

- Foster and Ashland

-- Submitted by Justin

Mr. Rand or Mr. McNally I presume?

Guy: (on cell walking in a large crowd after U2 concert) "You should come meet me, I'm at the corner of the Loop and Buckingham fountain. No, right where the Loop and Buckingham fountain are. Well do you see the Essex Inn sign? I'm right in front of that. Do you see the Willis Tower? Ok, me too! Just keep walking toward the Willis Tower and I'm sure we'll meet up."

- Museum Campus

-- Submitted by Paul

And we're back...

Customer: "Yeah, it's broken. I'm not going to lie, it was on purpose. I was really drunk and really angry. "

- AT&T Store, Chicago Avenue

Submitted by Cristopher

Monday, September 14, 2009

Yes, OIC has lacked updates for a month. I needed a break and was running low on quality submissions. The break is over, I have a bunch of submissions stored up, and the site is going back to its daily updates.

If you want to help out, tell your friends, send people here through twitter and facebook, and, if interested, visit a sponsor or two.

We're going to get crackin' shortly.

Thursday, August 13, 2009

And an awesome, emotionally stable mom!

Guy: "I know people say their kids are cute, but mine is drop dead beautiful. She's only nine, but looks fourteen, plus she's got everything: skinny, long legs, and blonde hair!"

- Magnificent Mile

-- Submitted by OHNO

When English isn't enough.

Guy: (on cell) "If I spoke Serbian, I'd be swearing at your mom right now."

- Red Line

-- Submitted by Kenny

Phish concert, eh? Shocking.

Girl: "I have some raisins if you're hungry."

Girl #2: "I can't eat raisins. I feel like I'm cheating on grapes with their grandparents."

- Phish Concert

-- Submitted by Ian

Tuesday, August 11, 2009

The fact that his friends use the word 'beerginity,'' maybe?

Girl: "And he lost his beerginity early on, so one has to wonder, 'What's the hold up?'"

- Irving and Leavitt

-- Submitted by Remy

Sold due to snazziness!

Lady: "Why should I get an Iphone?"

Sales Lady: "Well, it has a ton of storage for pictures and games and music."

Lady: "How many pictures can it hold?"

Sales Lady: "Well, how many pictures can your camera hold?"

Lady: "1200 or so."

Sales Lady: "More than that. Plus it's snazzy."

- Apple Store, Old Orchard

-- Submitted by Shorts

Or are you?

Bachelorette Party Girl #1: "Let's all have affairs!"

Bachelorette Party Girl #2 (seriously): "No!"

Bachelorette Party Girl #1: "I'm just kidding."

- Boystown

-- Submitted by Jeff

Friday, August 07, 2009

But they're so sweet and tasty


- Green Line

-- Submitted by ScubaChicken

You can change the grifty level?

Girl: "I like to consider myself a grifter. But less grifty."

- Jackson and Dearborn

-- Submitted by Holden

Sounds promising.

Guy #1: "I'm debating whether or not I should be a professional blackjack player. I usually do pretty well at the casino."

Guy #2: "How much do you usually win?"

Guy #1: "The three times I've played, I've won 10 bucks."

- Red Line

-- Submitted by GFI

Wednesday, August 05, 2009

A little of A, a little of B.

Classy Lady: "Either it's a small world, or I'm a whore."

- Cornelia & Seminary

-- Submitted by Mary Low

It'd be hell for birds.

Woman: "What if it actually rained men? That would be so dangerous."

- DePaul, Loop campus

-- Submitted by Shazam

Isn't this guy on Family Guy?

Old man: (taking a picture of a bunch of guys) "How we doing this boys? Balls out, shirts off?"

- Incubus Concert

-- Submitted by Amanda

Tuesday, August 04, 2009

Double Negative Fun! L'Chaim!

Guy #1: "Do you hate Jews or something?"

Guy #2: "No. Not at all. I hate Jew haters!"

Guy #3: "So you're an anti-anti-semite?"

- Lakeview

-- Submitted by Ron

Guy: "I just got a new phone."

Girl: "That's so cool! Let me see."

Guy: "I dig it."

Girl: "What does the camera do?"

- DePaul

-- Submitted by Green

Fear Apple's wrath!

Sales Lady: "So have you decided which device you want?"

Guy: "No. I'm confused. I think I don't want any of them."

Sales Lady: "Apple will not be pleased to hear that report!"

- Apple Store, Old Orchard

-- Submitted by Jeffrey

Monday, August 03, 2009

Sorry for the dearth of posts. I've been out and unable to update the site. Back to normal tomorrow!

Monday, July 27, 2009

Better than booing

Guy: (on cell) "I'm tired of you yelling 'surprise' every time we have sex, is all."

- Green Line

-- Submitted by ha ha ha

How many plane trips needed?

Guy #1: "I need help moving."

Guy #2: "When and where bro?"

Guy #1: "Tomorrow and to France."

Guy #2: "I don't know if I can carry a couch that far."

- University of Chicago

-- Submitted by Ed

Mom sounds terrific

Guy: (on cell) " My dad is awesome and supportive and loves my wife and the kids to death. My mom is a soul sucking banshee who wants things her way all the time. I mean I love my parents but it's just confusing, you know?"

- Red Line

-- Submitted by Pedro

Friday, July 24, 2009

Attention: GROSS!

Strange Guy: "I'm going to pee my pants people. If the train doesn't stop at my stop soon, there will be a puddle, and it will NOT smell good. Asparagus, people. ASPARAGUS!"

- Purple line

-- Submitted by Trey

A what? Pseudo-douchebag.

Girl: "...and it's so frustrating. Why won't anyone listen to me?"

Guy: "Because life is a pathetic metaphor for death. It's so cliche."

Girl: "For real."

- Loyola

-- Submitted by Rick

Does she like crappy food too?

Girl: "I wish I was Avril Lavigne right now!"

- McDonald's downtown

-- Submitted by Ghost

Wednesday, July 22, 2009

Sounds like a well thought out plan.

Guy #1: "I'm thinking of starting a company with an innovative idea. Leading society into the future."

Guy #2: "What's the plan?"

Guy #1: "For me to think of the idea, and then lead society into the future. I pretty much laid it out for you already."

- Loyola University

-- Submitted by Whit

Friends love boosting you up!

Guy #1: "I don't know if she likes you."

Guy #2: "We're friends, though. I'm pretty sure she likes me unless it's a pity date."

Guy #1: "Unless or assuredly because?"

- DePaul

-- Submitted by GiGi

She'd need rope

Girl: "I want to buy shoes, but I don't have enough money."

Guy: "You can do amazing things with old tires."

- Ashland

-- Submitted by The Colonel

Monday, July 20, 2009

How long does that go in the oven?

Guy: "What do you want for dinner?"

Girl: "A new family and a vacation."

- Metra Milwaukee District North

-- Submitted by Taylor

You say potato, I say disgusting.

Girl: "The mail never comes in the morning anymore."

Guy: "Mail carrier switch?"

Girl: "Yeah. The new guy looks like he sits in the car and watches little girls or something. Very creepy."

Guy: "How do you get that vibe?"

Girl: "He always delivers the mail with his shirt unbuttoned and untucked. Like he was in a rush to get out of the car."

Guy: "Maybe he's from Alaska and 70 degree whether is scorching for him?"

Girl: "Maybe he's jerking off and forgets to tuck his shirt back in?"

- Golf Mill Shopping Mall

-- Submitted by Newman

Someone's a great dad.

Guy: "But she just learned how to talk and all she does is say my name over and over and over again. The girl will not shut up. At least get to the point or something, you know? Do you want crackers? Do you want milk? ANYTHING. Just stop repeating my name a million times! It drives me insane!"

- State of Illinois Building

-- Submitted by Clover

Friday, July 17, 2009

That guy is smooth.

Guy: "All you can do is give an honest answer."

Girl: "But if they ask what my goals are, I can't say, 'To marry into a rich family so I won't have to work at a second rate company like this one.'"

Guy: "You need to spin that into a more productive statement that makes it sound work related. Something like, 'I'd like to join an organization that is not only established, but successful enough to provide for all of its employees.'"

- Northwestern University

-- Submitted by Tanya

If it's Sam Zell, he won't care.

Woman: "Is killing a customer and then posting them up as a warning grounds for being fired?"

Man: "Probably. But you'd have to check with the owner."

- North Side Restaurant

-- Submitted by Katja

Someone really needs tickets.

Guy: (on cell) "I really need some tickets for the Cubs game, but I need to pay under face value. Right. It depends how rough you'd be."

- Red Line

-- Submitted by Hound

Wednesday, July 15, 2009

Your guess is as good as anybody's.

Guy: "When is it time to go back home?"

Girl: "We usually leave around 7:30."

Guy: "You said there'd be food, here."

Girl: "There's fruit over there."

Guy: "Fruit? What the hell am I going to do with that?"

- North Shore Book Club

-- Submitted by Avid Reader

Drones, yes. Robots, not yet.

Guy #1: "I want to design video games."

Guy #2: "I think you need to go to school for that."

Guy #1: "No way. There has to be robots around that do the actual work. I just want to tell them what kind of shit to shoot."

- Evanston

-- Submitted by Relay

Business basics.

Girl: (on cell) "If the school wants to make more money, they should just build a strip club on site. That way, all the girls paying their way through college can stay on campus!"


-- Submitted by Colleen

Monday, July 13, 2009


Dumb Girl: "We need to find out who makes Mazda."

- Naperville Shell Station

-- Submitted by HondaDriverV6

Funny because it's true!

(3 kids see a window washer)

Kid #1: "Oh, wow! I could never do that."

Kid #2: "I thought they had robots to do that now."

Kid #3: "Well, that's the job you get if you don't go to college."

- Corner of Madison & Franklin

-- Submitted by Koz

Someon's excited

Man: "23! 23! It's my birthday! Let's wake this block UP!"

- 6:30 a.m., residential section of Crystal St.

-- Submitted by Paul

Thursday, July 09, 2009

Until you blue-screened.

Guy: "If you were a Mac, and I was a PC, I would have beaten the shit out of you right now."

- Chicago State University

-- Submitted by Leela


Guy #1: "Let's go postal."

Guy #2: "That's so 1990's. We should make up something new."

Guy #1: "Well, we can't go all email on their asses. That just sounds stupid."

- Lakeview

-- Submitted by Stupefied

It's not exactly a compliment.

Girl #1: "...she's such a jap!"

Girl #2: "Asian or Hebrew?"

Girl #1: "Can she be both? But not like, meanly?"

- Northwestern

-- Submitted by Alfalfa

Wednesday, July 08, 2009

He's not a King, he's a Pink Lady

Thug: "They think I'm a king cause of my mustache. It grows in thin so it makes me look like a king, even when I wear pink."

- #22 Clark bus

-- Submitted by PMA

Another reason to weep for the future. A lot.

Girl: "I mean, I haven't thought in, like, four months."

- Truman College

-- Submitted by Cami

World's biggest bar.

Girl #1: (In Reference to Kosuke Fukudome) "You should yell at him in Chinese!"

Girl #2: "Tell him 'Konichiwa!'"

Girl #3: "No. He wouldn't understand that. That's Asian"

- Wrigley Field

-- Submitted by jrc

Thursday, July 02, 2009

They'll figure out a way to make ice cream.

Guy: "...and I'm just tired of watching Iron Chef."

Girl: "What's the problem?"

Guy: "The ingredients are getting boring. I'm waiting for him to life the freaking lid and say, 'Today's ingredients: GLASS SHARDS!"

- Metra South Shore

-- Submitted by Ute

Poor Jake.

Girl #1: "Are we going to Jake's barbecue or Laney's?"

Girl #2: "It all depends on the amount of meat we'll be having."

Girl #1: "I can almost guarantee there will be more at Laney's."

- Loyola

-- Submitted by Quest

And she's only 5.

Guy: (on cell) "No, doc. It's gotten to the point that when I ask her if she wants to go to school, she asks me if I want to go to hell."

- Randolph/Michigan office

-- Submitted by Stunned

Tuesday, June 30, 2009


Guy #1: "You want to come play some video games later this week?"

Guy #2: "Will your wife be there for me to stare at?"

- Grant Park

-- Submitted by Ali

Shot down. Hard.

Guy: "It's just so great to see you again."

Girl: "Yeah. It's been a long time since you've hit on me."

Guy: "We can skip straight to the pre-breakfast part, you know."

Girl: "You mean me waking up in my bed, in my house, by myself?"

Guy: "Before that?"

Girl: "This IS before that."

- Fransesca's, Bryn Mawr

-- Submitted by Leon

Point, counter-point. Kinda.

Guy #1: "There are just no jobs out there."

Guy #2: "Do you ever think it's your general malaise and lack of drive that makes you unemployable?"

Guy #1: "No. I really think it's just a market thing. I just have to wait it out and something will come."

- Lincoln Park

-- Submitted by JJ

Monday, June 29, 2009

And the sludge. And the mobsters.

Guy: "The water in the lake is so clear you can see all the way down to the bottom."

Girl: "Where the garbage is?"

- Hyde Park Art Center

-- Submitted by Crystal

Pushing the buttons, though, is another thing.

Woman: (on cell) "My kids can put a hot dog in the microwave. They KNOW how to feed themselves."

- #36 Broadway bus

-- Submitted by Milhouse

If there's grass on the field, but it's muddy...forget it.

Girl: "I only do anal because sex before marriage is wrong. I'm a Christain!"

Guy: "And what does the Bible have to say about Sodomy before Marriage?"

Girl: "Why would anyone put sod on me?"

- Andersonville

-- Submitted by mcfarlandwrites

Wednesday, June 24, 2009

Try the zoo...for idiots.

Girl: "Is there anywhere I can go in Chicago where I can hug a Panda?"

Guy: "Those things are kinda fierce."

Girl: "They've never been hugged by me before. They'll chill."

- Grant Park

-- Submitted by Drizzle

Jump in the deep end.

Guy #1: "It's so freaking hot out! When is fall coming?"

Guy #2: "Didn't you just ask for summer three days ago when it was 60 and rainy?"

Guy #1: "But I didn't want summer to be THIS hot. Just kinda hot."

Guy #2: "You're 'kinda' the biggest attention grabbing turd I know."

- DePaul

-- Submitted by Lexus

Some guys don't need it.

Girl: "Why would a guy be interested in a mermaid? She doesn't have a snatch."

- Red Line

-- Submitted by HJ1000

Tuesday, June 23, 2009

Not like your brain is busy.

Girl: "I like giant, salted pretzels."

Guy: "Right."

Girl: "Except I hate giant unsalted pretzels. And I don't like the taste of just the salt without the pretzels."

Guy: "Okay."

Girl: "Why can't my face stop playing these games with my brain?!"

- Northwestern

-- Submitted by Yumpers

Ace-hole in deed.

Guy: (on cell) "You have the ace in the hole, man. All you have to tell her is that your mom slept with her brother. How do you lose that argument?"

- Lincoln Park

-- Submitted by Jimbo

No where to be found.

Train Rider: "We had to watch this movie about prostitution. It was supposed to be all tragic and everything, but it wasn't tragic at all. I kept waiting, like 'Okay, where's the tragic part?'"

- Red Line

-- Submitted by Diane

Thursday, June 18, 2009

That's only one optio...oooooh.

Guy: "Your two options are both shutting up!"

- North Ave Beach

-- Submitted by Confused

Good thing he's not a butt man.

Guy: "I've always loved the feet of a baby. So pure, soft, and supple; plus they're always a bit stinky."

-Whole Foods Sauganash

-- Submitted by Joe

So you got the tickets for free?

Guy: "Nothing like two crappy teams playing a meaningless series to show how patheticly ridiculous this town is when it comes to baseball."

- Wrigley Field

-- Submitted by Clark Kent

Wednesday, June 17, 2009

Definitely one way to look at it.

Guy: "If you don't have any baggage at this point in your life, you must not be any good."

- Durkins

-- Submitted by EI

Thankfully, no.

Guy: (on cell) "It's just that the viagra emails hit really close to home, you know?"

- Red Line

-- Submitted by Carlos

Must be a leader of the group.

Odd looker: "I'm so goth, I wear fuschia."

- #22 Clark bus

-- Submitted by Michael

Monday, June 15, 2009

Good support system, pal.

Guy: "I need more attention."

Girl: "Like emotional or physical?"

Guy: "Both."

Girl: "Well, stop begging and being a tool and maybe you'll get it."

- Union Station

-- Submitted by Chen

Yes we do, JERK!

Gir: (blowing her nose)

Woman: "Oh, do you have a cold?"

Girl: "No, my date is an ass."

Woman: "Well, they don't get any better when you marry them, honey."

- West Side

-- Submitted by EI

No one's ever been there.

Girl: "What's the address again?"

Guy: (gives her an address)

Girl: "Ok, but wh-"

Guy: "Unless you meant the address to my pants."

- Niles

-- Submitted by JoJo

Friday, June 12, 2009

The environment thanks you. The other guys, not so much.

Guy: "Usually when my pee is clear I just don't flush the toilet."

- Northwestern University

-- Submitted by Dan

Until he opens the next bag.

Girl: (on phone) "Honestly, Jim. I don't like when you force me to eat M&M's. It's like you're controlling me with sweet, delicious chocolate and I can't stand it anymore!"

- Little Italy

-- Submitted by Connie

He thanks you for that comment.

Guy: "I mean, his penis was just so apparent!"

- Red Line

-- Submitted by George

Thursday, June 11, 2009

They're non-toxic. Sometimes.

Girl: "I'm looking for work, okay?"

Guy: "What's on the horizon?"

Girl: "Well, I'm thinking about taking a bunch of online surveys."

Guy: "For cash?"

Girl: "No. For points. But I can trade in the points for purses and stuff."

Guy: "Are purses edible?"

- Lincoln Park

-- Submitted by Apple

Lifestyle cheats.

Guy #1: "How'd you lose so much weight?"

Guy #2: "I went vegan."

Guy #1: "So you only eat vegetables?"

Guy #2: "Yeah. And the occasional surf and turf. Those are my cheat meals."

- North Side

-- Submitted by Grisssssly Bear

Better than a four year old speed.

Guy: "My dog is so friendly. He'll jump right up in your face. He's like a two year old on crack."

- Benedictine University

-- Submitted by Lou

Tuesday, June 09, 2009


Dad: "Look at those cute hot dogs!"

Little Girl: "Daddy? THAT'S what hot dogs are make of?"

- Humboldt Park

-- Submitted by Jeremiah

How'd you get in the elephant?

Girl: "Sitting in a lounge chair is so comfortable. It's just so cushy. It's like sitting inside of a giant elephant."

- Hookah Lounge, North Suburbs

-- Submitted by Jenae

I'd prefer A.C. Slater, pre-"the rest of his life."

Guy: "My whole life has been like a bad TV show."

Girl: "Like Saved by the Bell bad?"

Guy: "Woman! You are NEVER to tarnish Saved by the Bell again! I would give a billion dollars to trade lives with Zack Morris."

- Northwestern

-- Submitted by Vernon

Monday, June 08, 2009

Because they both usually end without a satisfactory result?

Girl: "I'm on my new summer diet. Healthy breakfast, good lunch, then drink my dinner. I lost 15 pounds last year doing this."

Guy: "That's not a diet; that's LIFE!"

- Mad River

-- Submitted by Edie

Shoot for the stars, kid.

Guy: (on cell) "...but I've gotten rejected so many times, asking is no big deal. One day, a girl who isn't high is going to say yes."

- Green Line

-- Submitted by Amy

The same way they 'accidently' have sex?

Woman: "How does somebody 'accidentally' eat poo?"

- Strack & Van Til

-- Submitted by Spinner

Tuesday, May 26, 2009

Giving back to the community that gives to you.

Bum: "Hey yo, Mister. Can you spare a cigarette?"

Guy: "I'm sorry. I don't have one."

Bum: "A'ight, that's ok man. But since you with your lady and all, you got a little crust up in yo' eye."

- Art Institute

-- Submitted by Katy

Apparently it was hibernating during the winter.

Guy #1: "She's a bit below your league, huh?"

Guy #2: "What can I say? It's spring and my penis is desperate for attention."

- Smartbar

-- Submitted by James

So it'd be a stinky fire.

Girl #1: "I heard that fertilizer can cause house fires though. Like people souldn't keep it in their garages and stuff."

Girl #2: "Well it IS manure, so..."

- Downtown Elevator

-- Submitted by Mason

Friday, May 22, 2009

Hopefully, he's a college student who still wears smocks.

Guy: (on cell) "You let him wear my Tecate shirt to school as a smock?! He doesn't even like that beer!"

- Blue Line

-- Submitted by Renaldo


Girl: "Oh my GOD do I want to rip out his septum!"

- Southport

-- Submitted by Jenson

Soooo...she's just a girl who has a problem?

Guy #1: "Why does she rhyme everything?"

Guy #2: "Because she's like Eminem. With boobs. And no talent."

- DePaul

-- Submitted by Nathan

Thursday, May 21, 2009

It's the little the big things.

Guy #1: "...and I think I need to lose 60 pounds. Or at least convert some weight into muscle."

Guy #2: "Well, what's your motivation? What's driving this decision?"

Guy #1: "To be honest, I just want to see what my belly button looks like."

- XSport, South Loop

-- Submitted by Treego

Mother Nature: Beating people down since the dawn of time.

Girl #1: "It's too hot."

Girl #2: "You've been saying you want the hot weather for the past 6 months."

Girl #1: "Right. But going from 40 to 80 in 2 days doesn't give my body enough ramp up time. I need my body to collect the rays instead of having nature beat the life out of me with them."

Girl #2: "You need stronger sunblock and less tanning."

- Northwestern

-- Submitted by Clyde

He's offering solutions....

Guy: (on cell) "No, sir. I try to pay my bill online, but your system won't let me set up an account. I've sent a paper check but it gets returned because there's no bill stub to go with it. I'm trying to pay my bill, but it's like you guys won't let me. No, I won't take a trip to New York to pay in person!"

- Equitable Building

-- Submitted by Newsy

Tuesday, May 19, 2009

I'd love to work for Mr. Dumass

Guy #1: "Negativity spreads like a cancer."

Guy #2: "What if the negativity stems from leadership?"

Guy #1: "Then it's obviously prostate cancer."

- Mercantile Exchange

-- Submitted by Limey

Rent is OBVIOUSLY the problem.

Guy: (on cell) "No. I need a raise because I can't afford to pay my rent and I'm in debt up to my eyeballs. Which game? Game 2? How much are the tickets? Yeah. I'll go."

- Red Line

-- Submitted by Chad

It's not crazy. It's prosyletizing.

Girl #1: "What's the name of those anti-abortion people? You know. The crazy ones."

Girl #2: "Christians?"

- Westfield, Old Orchard

-- Submitted by Snuh

Thursday, May 14, 2009

Technical Difficulties

I'm having some issues with the form and some other nagging stuff with the site. Posts will be back shortly.

Wednesday, May 13, 2009

Legit faking.

Guy #1: "We moved everything in the office and tidied it up. Got it sparkling."

Guy #2: "So you can use it as an office and not a storage room?"

Guy #1: "Yeah. We can be productive in there now. Like, actually pretend to do actual work."

- Skokie

-- Submitted by Alexia


Guy: (on cell) "I want to advertise there, but I think too many people would see it. It'd be in plain sight."

- Orange Line

-- Submitted by Tim


Guy: "I was applying for a security position and they asked me to spell words. Why do I need to know how to do that?"

- Division Bus

-- Submitted by Robby

Monday, May 11, 2009

Mmmm...pickled tink...

Guy: "...I'm absotutely pickled tink!"

Girl: "No girlfriend, huh?"

Guy: "Nope."

Girl: "Shocking."

- Millennium Park

-- Submitted by Vefra

And you wonder why men are confused?

Girl #1: "I need to get picked up tonight. Not laid, but picked up."

Girl #2: "What's the point of getting picked up and not laid? And you need to be sluttier, but not too slutty."

- Northwestern

-- Submitted by Ree-nee

Why aren't you yelling at them, then?

Guy: (on cell) "If they're going to get mad about emails I'm sending, why do they keep answering them? All I'm doing is gathering information. I didn't ask for their second-born child or anything. Passive-aggressive assholes."

- Red Line

-- Submitted by Koby

Friday, May 08, 2009

Or is it anti-dirt?

Guy #1: "My artisitic goal is to create an 'anti-garden.'"

Guy #2: "Like something full of weeds and stuff?"

Guy #1: "No. Something that's the opposite of a garden's original intent."

Guy #2: "So you basically want to create dirt."

- Art Institute

-- Submitted by Laddy

Unless you're bipolar.

Woman: (on cell) “Jimmy, let me put it like this: You can’t use the bi-polar thing as an excuse.”

- Green Line

-- Submitted by Tom

They always promoted SAFE whore sex, people.

Girl #1: "...but if this were Sex and The City, it would be super awesome by now."

Girl #2: "If this was Sex and The City, you'd have AIDS by now."

- Columbia College

-- Submitted by Sistain

Thursday, May 07, 2009

Communication is the...oh wait.

Guy: "It'd be awesome if you had a twin."

Girl: "Because one of me isn't good enough?"

Guy: "Right. And we could have a kinky threesome."

Girl: "She'd be my sister!"

Guy: "I know, right? So awesome."

- Grant Park

-- Submitted by Colombiana

You can take it ON the bus, but you can't TAKE IT on the bus.


- Lake Forest

-- Submitted by Flabergasted

He's trying to tell you something.

Hipster #1: "All my Facebook friend are here!"

Hipster #2: "All I see are gays and hipsters."

- Metro

-- Submitted by Striker

Monday, May 04, 2009

Who needs air there, anyway?

Guy #1: "It's just the massively high tree pollen. It makes me super tired."

Guy #2: "Have you tried talking it out with the trees? Reaching some sort of agreement with them?"

Guy #1: "I'm trying, but they keep kicking my ass. Hopefully they don't have any trees in Spain."

- South Loop

-- Submitted by Singer

Not you.

Guy: (on cell) "And they kept talking about how they knew each other from a dating site. Great. I got you trumped. My wife blew him. Who wins NOW?"

- Orange Line

-- Submitted by Candy

Leave Tom Cruise alone.

Suburbanite: "I hope that autistic guy likes beards."

- Wilmette

-- Submitted by Jenn

Friday, May 01, 2009

He's not going to need a follow up phone call.

Guy: (on cell) "Why would we sponsor you to provide free services? We're not promoting ourselves. We're just showing up and giving you guys stuff that DOESN'T have our name on it. That's ludicrous. I can see why idiots like you have destroyed the economic system we have, you greedy bastard!"

- Red Line

-- Submitted by Marcus

The Bears still rule this town.

Guy #1: "This swine flu is the last thing we needed."

Guy #2: "You know Cutler is going to get it. It'll totally blow the season and our future."

Guy #1: "We're in 100% agreement."

- Little Italy

-- Submitted by Vinnie

Close, but no cigarillo.

Girl: "I think Cinco de Mayo is today."

- Pink line

-- Submitted by Jesse

Wednesday, April 29, 2009

But less than .001 percent of the population is infected!

Girl: (on cell) "Yeah, dad. There's a confirmed case of the flu. Right. Yeah. I'll be careful that I'm among the 99% of people who actually survive. You feel free to keep freaking out."

- Red Line

-- Submitted by Lynne

Priorities? Check.

Guy: "I'm moving to California. Or Florida. Or Montana."

Girl: "Montana doesn't exactly fit. Family?"

Guy: "Nope. A better guys to bitches ratio."

- Ukranian Village

-- Submitted by Ardee

Someone needs daddy hugs.

Girl #1: "You must be high to think he's not using you."

Girl #2: "But he likes me. He just doesn't know it yet."

Girl #1: "So you're going to keep going?"

Girl #2: "If he has to like me through sex, so be it."


-- Submitted by Sparky

Tuesday, April 28, 2009

That's usually a conversational killer.

Guy #1: "Let's go find some women and cheer you up."

Guy #2: "I can find women anywhere. It's the talking to them part that I screw up."

Guy #1: "You have to practice, dude."

Guy #2: "I usually can't get past the part where I crap myself and vomit on their dresses."

- Northwestern

-- Submitted by JJ

The clap says yes.

Woman: "So, do you think it's a coincidence that I've gotten sick both times I've slept with those random guys?"

-FFC Locker Room

-- Submitted by Girl Next Door

The smell acknowledges all.

Girl #1: "Why are you so down on everything lately? Nothing amuses you."

Girl #2: "Hm. Well, both me and my sister are secretly peeing in our only bathtub and refusing to acknowledge it. I find that very amusing."


-- Submitted by 99 red bafoons

Friday, April 24, 2009

...that you can keep a small animal in. Sexy.

Girl: (on cell) "I'm going to get plastic surgery and have a kangaroo pouch installed It'll probably get heavy and start sagging. It'll be like a third breast!"

- Brown Line

-- Submitted by Morning Commuter


Girl: (on cell) "My wrist is bubbling and I don't know why."

- Evanston

-- Submitted by 81 degrees

Check and Mate.


Guy #2: "It's 8 AM."

Guy #1: "Get PUMPED for it BROTHER!"

Guy #2: "I refuse because, accordingly, you always act like a tool. Goose at the end of Top Gun is a better wingman than you."

- DePaul

-- Submitted by Harv

Thursday, April 23, 2009

At U of C you take it where you can get it.

Student #1: "So do I want to get laid tonight or should I just go to bed?"

Student #2: "Why is the latter even an option?"

Student #1: "Well, its already 11:30, and I'm tired."

Student #2: "Dude, you'll be asleep by like 1:30."

Student #1: "Yeah, but I have class early tomorrow. And I like a full 9 hours of sleep."

Student #2: "Well, who's the victim?"

- University of Chicago Library Bathroom

-- Submitted by late night reader

Who's option B?

Guy #1: "I'd rather fight Milton Bradley."

Guy #2: "But he's a big dude. And he gets into that stuff a lot."

Guy #1: "But he's also torn his ACL getting ready to fight. The odds of that happening again are in my favor."

- ESPNzone

-- Submitted by J

It's still the funniest thing EVER on Jimmy Kimmel

Guy: (on cell) "I'm not mad, but the 'I'm Fucking Matt Damon' song does get annoying after awhile. At least go do it so you aren't as big a tool as the rest of the people who sang it last year."

- West Loop

-- Submitted by Phiz

Wednesday, April 22, 2009

Tuesday, April 21, 2009

Fun with bulimics!

Girl: "Just throw it up. Just throw it up. If you throw it up, then the food you ate doesn't count."

Guy: "But you have to throw it up within 5 minutes of eating it or it DOES count."

- Outside of Joy's

-- Submitted by JGulia

The key to time travel: Crunking someone.

Guy: "I'm going to crunk his face into yesterday!"

- Hyde Park

-- Submitted by Genesis

TMI in 3, 2, 1.

Assistant: "So you mean to tell me that your doc gives you an anal exam when you go for a pap smear?"

Boss: "Yes, doesn't yours? Mine does all the time! I turn around and talk to him while he's doing it! It doesn't hurt."

Assistant: "So a pap smear hurts but an anal feels good?"

Boss: "Well, yeah. The tools he uses are way too big! They are a good size for you since you've had three kids!"

- Loop Office

-- Submitte by Peon

Monday, April 20, 2009

Depends how many people thwarted Voldemort's attacks

Movie Go-er #1: "I heard that over 2000 girls auditioned for the role of Cho Chang for Harry Potter."

Movie Go-er #2: "Wow. That's a lot. I bet they had a hard time casting Harry Potter for the first one. I mean how many people have that scar on their forehead?"

- Webster Movie Theater

-- Submitted by E

That is almost NEVER the case.

Girl: (on cell) "So he said 'Well we haven't exactly been romantic' and I said 'Well, that's not my fault,' and you know what he says? He says 'Well, I figured you wouldnt let me go down on you.'"

- Wrigleyville

-- Submitted by Amanda

So you won't call them back

Guy: (on cell) "Why would you call me just to tell me you can't talk?"

- West Loop

-- Submitted by Gliz

Friday, April 17, 2009

Common reason

Train-Goer: "She didn't buy a Mercedes 'cause she could, she bought it 'cause she ugly as hell!"

- Bryn Mawr Red Line

-- Submitted by Lauren

I'm sure she'd appreciate the gesture.

Girl #1: "I need to go home in a few days to do laundry."

Girl #2: "Seriously. I have so much that I'm gonna be buried in it soon."

Girl #1: "Well, why don't you come with me and my mom can do it for both of us."

Girl #2: "I'd feel guilty. Can't we get her a six pack or something for her trouble?"

- Lakeview

-- Submitted by Genni

College aged maturity? What?

Guy: "What are your plans for the weekend?"

Girl: "I have to study."

Guy: "You can't come out for a little bit?"

Girl: "I could go out for the whole weekend. Alcohol fueled weekends won't get me a good job if I don't past my test on Monday though."

- Northwestern

-- Submitted by Kal

Wednesday, April 15, 2009

Except for the kind made of fish.

Man: "Hmm, that sushi you got for lunch looks pretty tasty."

Woman: "I thought you didn't eat fish."

Man: "Sushi isn't fish!"

- Loop office

-- Submitted by Mel

In his playhouse...ZING!

Guy #1: "You going to play poker after work?"

Guy #2: "Yup."

Guy #1: "How much have you won?"

Guy #2: "I only play with play money."

Guy #1: "I bet you really impress all the play women with that cash"

- West Side Office

-- Submitted by Sanyi

In order of importance...

Girl #1: "You should get a nanny cam. Yeah! You can make sure she's not ignoring the kids. Or stealing. Or doing anything destructive."

Girl #2: "Or eating too many peanut butter and jelly sandwiches."

- Red Line

-- Submitted by Junebug

Tuesday, April 14, 2009

It takes precision and legs

Girl: "I know I need to start doing more cardio, but what?"

Personal Trainer: " You should start doing the StairMaster"

Girl: "StairMaster? But how do I do that?"

Personal Trainer: "You don't know how to walk up stairs?"

- Loop Gym

-- Submitted by mk

That's gonna be fun to explain to the grandkids.

Girl: (On cell) "So she woke up this morning with a tattoo of a dolphin smoking a bong!"

- Wrigleyville

-- Submitted by DIK


Guy: (on cell) "It's NOT a clock radio! There are no speakers or tuner, jackass. I'd have to set it ON TOP of a radio for it to come anything close to it. It's just a damn clock."

- Red Line

-- Submitted by Gary

Friday, April 10, 2009

Totally stupid.

Girl #1: "It's my personal mission to make sure leg warmers come back into style."

Girl #2: "And shiny leotards?"

Girl #1: "Those just look stupid."

- Lifetime Fitness, Schaumburg

-- Submitted by Poitre

Set goals; reach goals.

Girl: "I'm going to put a peep in the microwave and eat it."

Guy: "I heard that all it does is expand and taste like crap."

Girl: "Right. But it's possible it can kill you, so I'm going to give it a try. Not 'cause I want to die, but because it'd be the weirdest obituary ever!"

- Lake Forest High School

-- Submitted by DJ

High standards for this guy

Guy: "One of my biggest desires in choosing a law firm is finding one that has a bar in it. Come in, do work, grab a drink, do work, drink, cab it home."

- John Marshall

-- Submitted by Leo

Thursday, April 09, 2009

It'd draw a 15 yard flag. And felony charges.

Guy #1: "The Bears better sign Torry Holt or Plaxico Burress."

Guy #2: "I say go Burress. He may keep a gun on him while he plays. It should keep the DB's off of him."

- Blue Line

-- Submitted by Alvin

Less yelling or heart attack? YOU decide

Guy: (on cell) "It's pretty much like eating eggs and crackers every meal for eight days, except the eggs and crackers are flavored differently with each dish. Everything tastes ok, but then you realize your cholesterol and sodium intake just went up fifty thousand percent. But if you don't eat it, your mom yells at you because she worked so hard."

- Little Italy

-- Submitted by Ravyn

At least Rob Schneider found a job.

Boss: "What are you doing?"

Office Manager: "Sending faxes."

Boss: "Faxy Lady!"

- Loop office

-- Submitted by Lola

Wednesday, April 08, 2009

It will sting. And smell.

Girl: "Forget whips! I'm gonna beat your ass with leeks!"

- Whole Foods, Roosevelt

-- Submitted by JJ

Lazy is as lazy does

Guy #1: "So I got a job offer, now I just have to decide whether I want it or not."

Guy #2: "Does it pay more than unemployment?"

Guy #1: "Yeah. But I'd have to do stuff. I don't know if the extra hundred a week is worth that."

Guy #2: "If I didn't know you better, I'd annihilate your deadbeat ass."

- Lincoln Park

-- Submitted by Carolyn

Prune juice, my jewish friend.

Guy: "So it's Passover time again."

Girl: "Yummy foods abound."

Guy: "I just wish I could pass over the stoppering power of the matzah. There is no cure for the constipation."

- Northwestern

-- Submitted by Eclair

Tuesday, April 07, 2009


Guy: "If you don't like baseball, you shouldn't go to a game just to see one. It's like, I don't go to church to speculate."

- Riverside office

-- Submitted by Dan

Screwed up priorities

Guy: (on cell) "You don't talk about the Bears that way! YOU APOLOGIZE TO JAY CUTLER RIGHT NOW OR WE'RE GETTING DIVORCED!"

- Green Line

-- Submitted by JJ

Only if they do it frivolously.

Woman: "So are vegetarians against animals that eat other animals?"

- Lincoln Park Zoo

-- Submitted by Gemma

Friday, April 03, 2009

How do you shake hands?

Woman: "I promise that if I breast feed, I will introduce you to my boobs."

- Potbelly's, Northbrook

-- Submitted by Herc

Try connecting to the outside, sweetheart.

Woman: "I'm always on Facebook, Twitter, Myspace, or some other social networking site. I can broadcast my life to everyone everywhere with a few click of the keyboard and mouse. It's so amazing. I feel so connected to everything. I just wish I had a social life."

- Union Station

-- Submitted by Boileeze

Wet the bed?

Guy: (on cell) "I have shit to do and I'm not jumping all over plans to wet the bed if he calls on the 17th and wants to 'hang out and have a couple beers.'"

-- Daley Center

-- Submitted by Floyd

Thursday, April 02, 2009

The old P.W.B.Y.A.L.W.Y.T.T.G.Y.D.A.H. Good times.

Girl #1: "My birthday is in 10 days!! We're doing a pub crawl!"

Girl #2: "You don't even know what a pub crawl is."

Girl #1:"Yeah, but when I figure it out, we're going to do it!"

Girl #2:"Yeah well, you guys can do a pub crawl. I'm going to do a pub walk-behind-you-and-laugh-while-you-try-to-get-your-drunk-ass-home."

-Red Line

-- Submitted by Deliah


Girl: (on cell) "I'd come over, but I need to figure out why I feel the need to scratch my a-hole all day. GROSS! We don't do that! I think it's just a rash."

- DePaul

-- Submitted by Ale

Dad Of The Year. Right here.

Guy: (on cell) "The key to playdates is naps. The more the kids sleep, the less you have to worry about entertaining them."

- Red Line

-- Submitted by Jolly Roger

Wednesday, April 01, 2009

Goodbye, Chicago.

Upcoming Changes: Due to popular demand by my readers, I have decided to discontinue Overheard in Chicago and open a new website called Overheard in Fults, Illinois. While I'm sure my Chicago fans will be upset, the draw to start Overheard in Fults is something that I can no longer deny. The 28 denizens of the town are ripe with great quotes that I'm SURE will keep all of my Chicago fans interested!

Let me know what you think of the changes by emailing me at

Tuesday, March 31, 2009

Shaping young minds

Student: "When I started painting class, I knew nothing about painting. The professor was just like, 'Aaaaaand... paint.'"

- Michigan Avenue

-- Submitted by Matt

It'd get MAD media coverage

Girl: "Why can't you just tell them you refuse to get laid off?"

Guy: "It doesn't work that way."

Girl: "Well. Tell them that you're going to organize a sit in."

Guy: "Ok. I'll get all four of us to sit in against the other 3 employees that are left. It'll be a showdown for the ages. Great idea."

- Grant Park

-- Submitted by Collins

Rough decision.

Guy: (on cell) "How on earth do you confuse lavendar with maroon? How do you do that? Well, as I see it your two options are going to the store or going to hell. Your choice."

- Merchandise Mart

-- Submitted by Shoppey

Friday, March 27, 2009

Get this girl rubber pants!

Woman: "I peed the bed once, but it was an air mattress. So that made it way worse"

- Southport Lanes

-- Submitted by Amanda

That can be arranged.

Guy #1: "Spring break in T minus 5. Hell yeah!"

Guy #2: "Who cares? We aren't going anywhere and we have to work."

Guy #1: "But just IMAGINE we were staring at chicks and getting laid. Makes spring break all that much better."

Guy #2: "Yeah. Because picturing Amy at the front desk naked definitely makes me want to party. I'd rather see the Bears O-line naked."

- Lincoln Park

-- Submitted by Fransisco

He'd NEVER leave me alone.

Man: "I'll leave you alone right up until the point you start doin the kickin' chicken."

- Roosevelt and Halsted

-- Submitted by Sh

Wednesday, March 25, 2009

Yes. Fish dissolve in water.

Guy: (on cell) "He thinks the tuna busted the dishwasher? But it's a fish? Wouldn't it just dissolve in the water? But it's a fish for crying out loud! How does that break a water based device?"

- Red Line

-- Submitted by Rick B.

It's no good on its own, pal.

Woman: "I'm absolutely tired of my vagina."

Man: "Can I borrow it for a while?"

- DePaul

-- Submitted by Teeny


Guy: (on cell) "I think tonight I'm going to be potty training my wife again."

- Union Station

-- Submitted by Guy

Tuesday, March 24, 2009

Because HR departments have become jokes.

Guy #1: "How's the job hunt going?"

Guy #2: "Fine, I guess. The way I'm figuring it, it's not really a rejection if they never contact you. You're just on hold. Forever."

- Evanston

-- Submitted by RR

Me thinks that something will be ruined.

Guy: (on cell) "If you ruin it, it will ruin the entire surprise. Then the event will be ruined which will ruin my day, thus ruining everything. Don't ruin that."

- Metra Union Pacific West

-- Submitted by Beth

Nothing like some good smarm

Woman: "He was all flirty and I thought he was a little bit smarmy. But not BAD swarmy. Not, like, lawyer smarmy."

- Damen and Wabansia

-- Submitted by Tabitha

Friday, March 20, 2009

Pent up issues?

Girl: "Mommy, I went potty!"

Mom: "Wow! Good job! Grandma's going to be SO proud of you!"

Girl: "Did you go potty, too?"

Mom: "Yes, but grandma's never proud of me."

- Lincoln Park Zoo bathroom

-- Submitted by Spinner


Guy #1: "My brother wants to build a go-kart."

Guy #2: "Oh yeah? For what?"

Guy #1: "I think he's going to get into a race back home."

Guy #2: "Oh gee wilikers! Are Alfalfa and Spanky going to be there? Hot DOG!"

- Northwestern University

-- Submitted by Lacey

Someone is generalizing.

Girl: (on cell) "Well if you were a Geico caveman, the first thing we'd do is shave your back and face. But of course, if you were a caveman, odds are I wouldn't be dating you. I like my men more modern and less smelly."

- Michigan and Roosevelt Bus stop

-- Submitted by Colin

Thursday, March 19, 2009

For her it is.

Guy #1: "We should find out what she's getting him for a groom's gift and then get him two of the same thing."

Guy #2: "Right. But is it considered a gift when you actual take someone's manhood?"

- Law Office, Downtown

-- Submitted by Jerry

Playstation Portables are watching....

Guy: "He could read my mind like he had PSP or something."

- Loyola University

-- Submitted by Qwerty

The man loves his balls.

Girl: (on cell) "I just can't take any more stupid sports. It's twenty four seven with you! If ESPN is on when I get home, I'm leaving. No you shouldn't pack my things, you jerk!"

- Water Tower Place

-- Submitted by Krousa

Wednesday, March 18, 2009

Tea or otherwise!

Girl: "I'm serious. There's not a spot of anything on anything that shouldn't have a spot of anything on it."


-- Submitted by SH

Sounds appetizing.

Man: "What're we doing for dinner?"

Woman: "I figure with the kids out, we'll just throw the left-overs from the past few days together."

Man: "So that'd be..."

Woman: "A meatsagnachickensaladloaf."

- Barnes and Noble, Skokie

-- Submitted by Pete

Try it and send me what your boss says!

Girl #1: "I think my foot hurts."

Girl #2: "Well, does it hurt or doesn't it?"

Girl #1: "I can't tell. Every time I step it kinda feels like something is there kinda, but every time I lift it off the ground, that something is kinda gone."

Girl #2: "That's not going to get you out of work."

- Blue Line

-- Submitted by Tracker

Monday, March 16, 2009

Someone talk to the Amstel people!

Girl #1: "They're changing the formula of Old Style? What the fuck? What are they going to change?"

Girl #2: "It's going to be the same, only less krauesened than previously. Don't worry--it'll still suck.

Girl #1: "Well, that's a relief."

-Red Line

-- Submitted by Spinner

Opposite sexed poisons.

Guy: (on cell) "You NEVER mix Right Guard with Secret! Especially one arm each. That's like mixing poisons!"

- Northwestern

-- Submitted by Nate