Thursday, December 28, 2006

Happy New Year!

I'll be traveling over the next few days, so no new updates until Tuesday. If you drive, don't drink, and if you drink, make sure you remember funny conversations.

Until then, have a Happy New Year!

Back to overheard conversations!

P.S. Bears fans: you may want to check these out. Just in time for the Packers game! GRAR!

Mexican part? Check. Food part? Not so much.

College Art Girl #1: "This kind of weather makes me want Mexican food. I want to go to one of those places that gives away free chips and salsa."

College Art Girl #2: "Mexican food? I don't think I've ever had Mexican food."

College Art Girl #1: "WHAT!? Come on! We grew up in Jersey! You've had Mexican food."

College Art Girl #2: "You mean like Taco Bell? I love Taco Bell."

- 8th and State

-- Submitted by Lindsay Adams

Some girls wish that happened to their chests.

Screaming Woman: "I used to wear that shoe size, but all the sin went to my feet. Now they are a half size bigger."

- Target in Logan Square

-- Submitted by La Sirena

Cheers

Guy: "Her breasts are toastworthy."

- Lincoln Park highrise

-- Submitted by Tim

Wednesday, December 27, 2006

No one wants brain matter on the street.

Woman: "What they did was stupid. They took a hose and hosed down all the brain matter into the drain."

- Connie's Pizza on Archer

-- Submitted by BitterWaitress

Especially vampires.

Woman: (on cell) "I was talking to some friends the other day, and was really surprised how common it is for people to drink each other's blood during sex. Like, a LOT of people do that!"

- DeLux

-- Submitted by Deweybug

To everyone who wanted to see, you are.

Drunk: "Close your legs! No panty shots! No panty shots!"

Girl in skirt: (silence, mixed with embarassed look)

Drunk: "Oh, so now I'm an asshole?"

- Red Line

-- Submitted by Denise

Friday, December 22, 2006

Merry Christmas, Mr. Potter!

Have a safe and wonderful holiday, everyone! And remember, Christmas conversations can be the funniest of them all.

Not that alcohol plays a part in that or anything.

That would be the best Christmas EVER.

Woman: (on cell) "Honey. I'm sorry. But my parents don't have cable, so you're going to miss the game tonight. Okay, well then maybe YOU should talk to my mother about having an 'ESPN Zone Family Christmas' next year!"

- Metra to Fox Lake

-- Submitted by brazenlizy

I would have just grabbed your phone and smashed it.

Girl:(on cell) "So, yeah. Then I was like, 'You're wearing stupid shoes bitch.'"

Bus driver: "Please talk on your cell phone quietly"

Girl: (to woman) "Did you just tell on me? Why do you care if I am on my phone?

Older woman: "Well, I don't really want to listen to you"

Girl: (on cell) "Yeah. So this old hag thinks she's too cool for me to talk on the phone."

- #146 Bus

-- Submitted by Mary

It's okay, folks. He was talking to a spider.

Crazy guy: "Hello, itty bitty! How are you, itsy bitsy? Itsy bitsy itsy bitsy itsy bitsy! Don't worry, itsy bitsy! Are you cold, itsy bitsy! ITSY BITSY WOOOOOO!"

- Mayfair Metra Station

-- Submitted by Steve

Uh....it's fries.

Homeless man: (Knocks on window of Mr. Greek) "Can I have some food?"

Guys inside: "Yeah hold on we will be right out."

Guys inside hand homeless man fries.

Homeless man: "I asked for a chicken pita with cheese, no onion. Whats this crap?"

- Greektown, Mr. Greek's

-- Submitted by Erun

Thursday, December 21, 2006

Combination of both.

Angry Businessman: "Lady, seriously. Everyday you're on the train it smells like you bathed in that rancid perfume. What is it with you? Did a maggot crawl up your nose and eat away your sense of smell or are you just covering up for the fact that you forgot to shower?!?"

- Red Line

-- Submitted by Greenie

It's somewhere towards the middlebackfront.

Homeless Guy: "I wanna ask you something! Tell me where in the bible it says Jesus was born on December 25th!"

- Walgreens, Rogers Park

-- Submitted by Maitri

If you were really being Jewish, you'd give each other socks and underwear.

Girl: "We're celebrating Christmas like the Jews."

Guy: "How's that? Less gifts?"

Girl: "No! We started partying last night and we're gonna have eight CRAZY nights!"

- Brown Line, Armitage

-- Submitted by Jdawg

Wednesday, December 20, 2006

Go sail away, go sail away, go sail away with her.

Woman #1: "How come I never see you on this train? Don't you have a car?"

Woman #2: "I only ride the Metra on Fridays."

Woman #1: "Why Fridays?"

Woman #2: "Sailors."

- Metra North

-- Submitted by Ruthie

Goblins.

Guy #1: "So yeah, she's nice girl and she's got a really big rack."

CTA announcement: "Potomac."

Guy #2: "Yeah, I don't know about that. Hey, how does the bus know what street it's on?"

- Damon Bus

-- Submitted by R

That applies to apartment size too?

Man #1: "Yeah, we're still together. He asked me to move in with him, and I thought about it. I mean it's a really nice place. But then I realized it's just not big enough for two gay men, my cat, and all our accessories."

Man #2: "Size queen."

- Maximum Exposure, Broadway

-- PK

Tuesday, December 19, 2006

Sorry about the lack of posts today. I was busy with that whole "support your family and find a job" thing.

Updates tomorrow.

Z

Monday, December 18, 2006

The holidays are when religions can celebrate together.

Woman #1: "So what are you doing for Christmas?"

Woman #2: "Christmas? You know we're Jewish."

Woman #1: "Yes, but you don't celebrate Christmas?"

Woman #2: "No."

Woman #1: "But Jesus was born in Israel, so you're pretty much related, right?"

- California Pizza Kitchen, Skokie

-- Submitted by Ali

Let's hug it out.

Teen Angster: "...and the girl was such a bitch. She's mad at me because I have a better job than she does. And I am younger than her. And I make more money than her. And you know what I said to her? 'FUCK YOU BITCH! STOP TRYING TO GET ME DOWN!'"

- Cosi's on Jackson

-- Submitted by Jdawg

I knew it! (And THAT is your favorite part of Christmas?)

Woman: "I think my favorite part of Christmas is the Starbuck's holiday ad campaign."

Random Guy: "And that's why some republicans love Jesus."

- Diversey Ave.

-- SUbmitted by Venti Latte

Thursday, December 14, 2006

Choosing religions intelligently.

Woman: "According to Jewish law, if your mother is Jewish, you're Jewish. And I am, but we figured Santa is more fun. And who doesn't like Christmas lights?"

- Old Orchard Shopping Center

-- Submitted by Carol

I don't get it either.

Guy: (on cell) "No. You take control of that situation. You make it understand that YOU'RE the boss. You make the situation your bitch. And then you poop on it."

- Purple Line

-- Submitted by Guava

Disappeared. Damn you David Copperfield!

Brown Line Conductor: "Okay, people. There's a Brown Line train directly behind this one. Just wait for that one. Do not push onto the train."

Man: "That's fine. But where's the Green Line? WHERE'S THE GREEN LINE?!"

- Brown Line

-- Submitted by Ryan

Wednesday, December 13, 2006

You should have said a shovel with a job.

Man: (on cell) "I don't think it was a normal interview. They asked me the typical questions, but after a while it was all 'if you were a whatever, what would you be.' Is it weird that they asked me what kind of shovel I wanted to be?"

- State and Jackson

-- Submitted by Belle

A banana?

Woman: (on cell) "Hi. Hi. Hello. Hello. Hi sweety. Hiiii. Boo boo boo. What does a banana say? Hello. Hello. Hi there. Hello. Hello. Did you eat lunch? Yum yum yum. Hello. Okay. Bye."

- Metra South Shore

-- Submitted by Romeo

What do you mean

Woman: (on cell) "I'm almost done vomiting so can you pick me up after I get off the bus?"

- Belmont Bus

-- Submitted by Michelle

Tuesday, December 12, 2006

Did you get there in a helicopter?

Irate Customer: "Why do you advertise something you don't carry? I had a flight earlier today, had to fight for a parking space, and have a flight tomorrow morning. I don't have time for this. Where's my catalog? What did you do with my catalog?!"

- Bloomingdale's, Oak Brook

-- Submitted by DL

Money says no mobster were around.

Attorney: "Some mobsters are just retarded."

- Daley Center, Concourse Level Pedway

-- Submitted by Super Paralegal

The air probably escaped into your head.

Man: (on cell) "It was just too general a question. The tire wasn't truly flat. It was more 'de-aired.' If it were flat, it would look flat. This one had a little air in it, so I tried to tell the guy. He got all mad saying I have a flat tire. No way. If a tire has air, it isn't flat. Hole or no hole. That guy was a dope."

- Lou's Diner

-- Submitted by Zo

Monday, December 11, 2006

And she gets her facial features from the UPS guy.

Woman: "She just dances all the time."

Man: "And sings."

Woman: "She must get that from your side of the family."

Man: "Probably, because she was too full of 'bitch' from your side."

- Old Orchard Shopping Center

-- Submitted by Wendy

If by oatmeal you mean sugar and fat.

Girl: (on cell) "I'm waiting for the shuttle. Yeh, I haven't eaten today. I'm SOOOO hungry! But I'm eating a Kit-Kat right now and that has like, oatmeal in it, right?"

- Loyola Lakeshore Campus

-- Submitted by B

At least they talked to you.

Large Girl: "I just wish I was popular."

Friend: "Oh my God! You should totally go to China. They go crazy for blue eyed blondes over there."

Large Girl: "No. I've been there. They just went for my skinny friends and asked me to hold the camera and take the picture."

- Union Station

-- Submitted by Yessica

Friday, December 08, 2006

Yeah, that's pretty bad.

Office Guy #1: "I'm trying to come up with the most disgusting manger ever."

Office Guy #2: "Like?"

Office Guy #1: "I'm trying to find a statue of Santa holding Jesus."

Office Guy #3: "If you want to get 'disgusting,' you need to find one where Mary is giving Jesus a rusty trombone while Santa watches. Now THAT is disgusting."

- 333 W. Wacker

-- Submitted by Jer

Yeah, that's pretty bad. Part 2.

Girl: (on cell) "Peter. You're wrong. You're dead wrong and I win. There is nothing more horrifying than seeing a picture of your dad, naked with an erection, with your mom sitting next to him in said picture, pointing and smiling."

- Red Line

-- Submitted by Rachey

It's only 7 degrees, people. It's still T-shirt weather 'round here.

Student: "Goddammit! After this, I'm going to law school in Hawaii. Or Miami. Yea, fucking Miami."

- Loyola Lakeshore Campus

-- Submitted by Lisa

Must have an important meeting.

Calm Guy: "GOD DAMNIT! I'm so sick of this damn line. Every time I get off the train, I have to deal with you morons and this logjam at the stairs. ORDERLY FASHION! ORDERLY! Why is that so hard to understand. I should karate chop all you idiots in the throat."

- Union Station

-- Submitted by JC

Thursday, December 07, 2006

Biscotti mush for you, ma'am.

Employee: "I make these at home for my mother, but I don't cook them as long."

Older lady: "Why not?"

Employee: "They hurt my teeth."

Older lady: "Well, I don't have any teeth!"

- Washington College Cafe

-- Submitted by Mahrya

I like to call it "Man Musk." Okay. Okay. I don't shower.

Client: "Sorry if I smell. I didn't put more deodorant on when I woke up this morning."

Trainer: "I wonder if I smell? I took a shower last night before bed, and I forgot to put on deodorant too. UGH! I smell like the monkey cage at the zoo."

- Crunch Fitness on North Ave.

-- Submitted by Dizzy

You might be late for work. By 100 years.

Train Guy #1: "Dude. DUDE! That's Mary Steenburgen!"

Train Guy #2: "What? Who?"

Train Guy #1: "That Back to the Future chick. The one that was doing Doc!"

Train Guy #2: "A: No it's not. B: If it is, why would she be on a Metra without camera rolling. C: We better not start time traveling in this thing."

- Metra Union Pacific Northwest

-- Submitted by Bullucks

Wednesday, December 06, 2006

It has been an up and down economy.

Father: "He just wants so much high priced stuff. I can't afford it."

Guy: "So what are you going to do?"

Father: "Well. I felt stupid telling him that Santa doesn't exist. He loves Santa. I just told him Santa's business isn't doing as well this year, so he had to lay off a bunch of elves."

- 55 E. Jackson

-- Submitted by Will

At least they don't leave their blinkers on.

Guy: "I went to that new Asian supermarket by my house."

Lady: "Yeah? Good stuff?"

Guy: "Yeah. But you know how when you go to the market, there's that one asian lady who always blocks the aisles and seems to follow you everywhere? Imagine that, but times a million."

- Madison and Riverside

-- Submitted by Yo Joe

Remember to sleep with a towel.

Girl: (on cell) "I'm going to have a blood test. EPT? All I know is that I better wake up in a big pool of period blood tomorrow."

- Sheridan and Belle Plaine

-- Submitted by Katie

Tuesday, December 05, 2006

Superman? Is that you?

Guy #1: "Did you see that chick? Holy crap was she hot!"

Guy #2: "How could you tell? She was wearing a million layers of clothes."

Guy #1: "I just know these things man. It's like God's gift to me."

Guy #2: "So he gave you X-RAY vision?"

Guy #1: "Something like that."

Guy #2: "Did you have to trade in your brain for that, retard?"

- Michigan Ave

-- Submitted by Creatin

Dear Marriott: Please fire this employee.

Traveler: "Can you tell me where the Steppenwolf is?"

Front Desk: "Is that a restaurant?"

- Courtyard Marriott on Ontario

-- Submitted by Ted

Snowstorms are the #1 cause of hair related death.

Teen #1: "Why weren't you in school on Friday?"

Teen #2: "Hello? Did you see the weather? I'm not going out in that."

Teen #1: "It wasn't that bad. "

Teen #2: "I just washed my hair and I was NOT going to have it freeze and then break off my head. It was just too dangerous."

- West Suburban High School

-- Submitted by Yay Gym!

Unless she want's scrambled eggs.

Man: (on cell) "No. That's ridiculous. If you want breakfast in the morning, grabbing my testicles is not a good way to get me to do it."

- Green Line

-- Submitted by Claire

Monday, December 04, 2006

Tasty.

Woman: "Ugh. You hand reeks!"

Man: (sniff) "It does?"

Woman: "Yeah. It smells like crotch."

Man: "Well. It is my peein' hand!"

- Metra Milwaukee District North Line

-- Submitted by Janice

Reason #1 why you should not be a parent.

Woman #1: "...and the kid was just sitting there, beating her with her glasses case."

Woman #2: "What did she do?"

Woman #1: "She was ASKING her to stop! Asking her! The kid was like five! If that was my kid, I would have taken the case, whipped it at her head, smacked her around, and then said 'You going to stop now?'"

- Pink Line

-- Submitted by Dame

Everyone has their own visceral reactions.

Girl: (On cell) "His girlfriend cheated on him, so he's going home to have lunch with her."

- UIC University Hall

-- Submitted by Suchie

Friday, December 01, 2006

Mine are done at two. Three is just wacky.

Dude: (on cell) "CHELSEA! My day is done! I woke up, I danced, I took my tests, I drank three cosmos. The day is OVER!"

- Broadway and Belmont

-- Submitted by Tyler

That's not as good as Niacin.

Woman: "It smells really good!"

Man: "Like what?"

Woman: "Like vitamins. Maybe vitamin C."

- Midway Airport

-- Submitted by Alex

But, they're so sweet and tasty....for poop.

Woman: "Well. Because the waste all goes through the intestines. That's why it's bad to eat, like chitlins and stuff."

- University of Chicago

-- Submitted by Arlenna

Thursday, November 30, 2006

Touche, my friend. Touche.

Girl 1: "Look! Oprah's on the cover of her magazine again!"

Girl 2: "She's like some kind of egomaniac! It's disgusting."

Girl 1: "Well, it is her magazine."

Girl 2: "Well, you don't see the owner of (looks around) PEOPLE on the cover every day!"

- Dominick's, Broadway and Sheffield

-- Submitted by Secret Chris

How about not eating at White Hen?

Girl 1: "How can I lose TEN pounds in a week?!"

Girl 2: "Stop eating."

Girl 1: "No, I love to eat."

- White Hen, Sheffield and Diversey

-- Submitted by W

Apparently, beggars can be choosers.

Homeless Guy: "Excuse me, could I please have some change? Anyone? Please?"

Lady: (gives the guy some chips) "Here."

Homeless Guy: "Are you sure you don't have some change? These aren't too good for me. They're way too salty and unhealthy..."

- Red Line (yes, there can be homeless people on the train)

-- Submitted by Budzy

Wednesday, November 29, 2006

Easy Mom. Having her mark her territory will make the lions angry.

Mom: "Zora, you need to go pee."

Zora: "No pee!"

Mom: "Zora, if you don't go potty, the animals will get you."

- Brookfield Zoo

-- Submitted by Spinner

They then crushed beer cans on their foreheads.

Chick: "I watched 'Grease' last night."

Guy: "Oh my god! ME TOO!"

Chick: "Oh my God! I LOVE 'Grease!'"

Guy: "OH MY GOD! ME TOO!"

Chick: "Hula!"

- BeBoBa Bubble Tea Shop

-- Submitted by Anonymous

This guy has the past in perspective.

Older Guy: "I'm bringing all the motown classics back. James Brown, now there was a guy who could sing and make a great song without all the nastiness that's with today's music. He talked about making love, but in a romantic way, you know?"

Younger Guy: "Hell yeah, bro! James Brown got mad pussy! He da pimp!"

- Red Line, Garfield

-- Submitetd by JS

Tuesday, November 28, 2006

Right. So they could at least have a "C" in the name.

Tourist #1: "This looks good, but is it Chicago style?"

Native: "Ladies. Is the name of the restaurant Chicago Pizza Kitchen?"

Tourist #2: "No. California Pizza Kitchen."

Native: "Then what's the problem?"

Tourist #1: "We just don't know if it's Chicago style pizza. Every pizza in Chicago is Chicago style."

Native: "Then why do you think it's called California Pizza Kitchen?"

Tourist #1: "They can't have every pizza place start with the word Chicago, so they picked California."

- Outside of CPK on Ohio St.

-- Submitted by Dizzy

So do you like it or not?

Guy: (sips water) "UGH! This water doesn't taste right. It's taste's like I thawed a chicken in it. It tastes like I'm going to get sick."

- Downtown Office

-- Submitted by The Capt

He said connoisseur, not alcoholic.

Dude: "That guy is a real wine connoisseur."

Girl: "HE'S a real connoisseur? Did HE get kicked out of a sorority for drinking wine?"

- Clark and Addison

-- Submitted by Andy

Monday, November 27, 2006

Oh. THAT Mary.

Girl: "What's that poster for?"

Guy: "The Nativity. You know. Mary? Who got knocked up by GOD?"

- Division Bus

-- Submitted by Eavesdropper

(Drum fill)

Guy #1: "You know why they call him 'Pacman,' right?"

Guy #2: "No, why?"

Guy #1: "Because he eats balls."

- Joe's, O'hare

-- Submitted by Smiley

At least he called her a lady.

Guy: "Please just let me go punch that lady in the face!"

- Michigan Ave. Festival of Lights

-- Submitted by Stephanie

Wednesday, November 22, 2006

Congratulations, Sir. You must have charmed them off.

(Man walking out of an apparent business meeting)

Man: (on cell) "I GOT HER PANTS!"

- Northbrook

-- Submitted by Big Gay Mule

Have a Happy Thanksgiving Weekend!!!

Yesterday? He's been waiting since 1994!

Guy #1: "Did you hear they shortened the movie title?"

Guy #2: "No."

Guy #1: "Yeah. It was originally Casino Royale With Cheese."

Guy #2: (to random) "He's apparently been working on the joke since 2 o'clock yesterday."

- Downtown Theater, in line for the new Bond Movie

-- Submitted by ecobox

We aren't just meat! We're human beings!

Girl #1: "So did you hook up with him?"

Girl #2: "No! He was so freakin' ugly!"

Girl #1: "Who cares!? You can't see his face while he's eating you out!"

- Grace St.

-- Submitted by Pegasus Surprise

Tuesday, November 21, 2006

1+1+53=3

Girl: "I hate Eli Manning!"

Guy: "Yeah. He's a fag."

Girl: "How many 'fags' are in the NFL."

Guy: "I don't know. Three. Eli Manning, Jeff Garcia, and..."

Girl: "The San Fransisco 49ers?"

- Champp's in Skokie

-- Submitted by Pop

Taste that? It's bitter.

Girl #1: "...I mean, I guess what I miss the most about him is lying in bed at night and him keeping me warm."

Girl #2: "Get a fucking blanket."

- Starbuck's, Armitage and Sheffield

-- Submitted by lpjess

No. It doesn't. Bitch.

Girl: "Well, if it makes you feel any better, I spent 2 hours this morning skinning the labia major of my body."

- Potbelly's, Taylor and Ashland

-- Submitted by Beth

Monday, November 20, 2006

Mmmm....formaldehyde.

Guy #1: "Oh my god!!! WHO WAS IN THERE?!"

Guy #2: "When you gotta go, you gotta go."

Guy #1: "But you don't have to leave rotting corpses in there after you. Did you perform an autopsy in there or something?"

- UIC Dorm, Commons West

-- Submitted by Sparky

Not as big as Luxembourg!

Girl: "I can teach you English if you teach me Asian. How do you say 'I love you' in Asian?"

Asian Guy: "Asia is a continent. I'm Thai; from Thailand, which is a country in Asia."

Other Guy: "How many people are in Asia?"

Girl: "He just said Asia is a continent. It's big, like the United States. It's got all these cities like the U.S."

Other Guy: "I know that! But I wanna know how many people are in it. Like I know China is small, but Korea is big."

- Red Line, near Addison

-- Submitted by Bmannes

That's why he didn't vote.

Guy: "I'm a white male. Politics don't effect me."

- Loyola, Rogers Park

-- Submitted by Chris

Friday, November 17, 2006

Northwestern: Where students have everything in perspective.

Student #1: "I just got a grade on a math midterm that, if I got that grade in breathing, I'd be dead."

Student #2: "So, like, a C+?"

- Northwestern University

-- Submitted by Amanda

Nepotism, narcolepsy, it's all the same. Letters are really meaningless.

Woman: (on cell) I don't know. I think I have that thing, it was in that movie, where you fall asleep randomly. You know, like nepotism."

- Clark and Division

-- Submitted by Greg

This would fall into the "gross" category.

Guy: (on cell) "Yeah, that was something that shouldn'ta happened. Ya shouldn't mess with a cousin. But shit, that girl can fuck! I mean, damn, she can really fuck!"

- #6 Jackson Park Express

-- Submitted by Oedipus

Thursday, November 16, 2006

At least she's responsible.

Woman: (on cell) "So when are you going to start having kids? This summer? No? Oh. You're going to start having them in September so you can drink during the summer. Yeah. That does sound like good family planning."

- Loyola "L" Stop

-- Submitted by Apeface

My mom says this all the time. For different reasons though.

Brother: "Yeah? It's YOU. YOU smell like ass."

Sister: "Your mom smells like ass."

Brother: "YOUR mom smells like ass."

Mom: "I hate you guys."

- Michigan Ave.

-- Submitted by Lizz

That's a solid defense.

Woman: "I can vouch for him. He was never part of my graduating class. Therefore, he was never arrested."

- Kenmore and Rosemont

-- Submitted by Confused

I'm in need of help.

Please read this: I would really appreciate the help.

Z

Wednesday, November 15, 2006

No. Way.

Mother: "Let's put the toy back in your backpack."

Son: "How about we put it...ummm...in YOUR VAGINA!"

- Fullerton Ave.

-- Submitted by B

Yes. That's EXACTLY the problem.

Woman: "I'm telling you: this kid is so cute she thinks she can get away with everything by batting her eyelashes."

Man: "That's the problem with kids, nowadays. They think they own the damn world. I say to hell with 'em."

- Grant Park

-- Submitted by Leila

I believe I don't believe it.

Girl: "I feel like I'm a burden to you."

Guy: "You're not a burden. Well, yeah, you are sort of a burden."

Girl: "But, we still love each other right?"

Guy: (walks away)

Girl: (on cell) "You won't believe what this asshole said and then didn't say to me!"

- Michigan Ave.

-- Submitted by Stagalicious

Tuesday, November 14, 2006

No reason, really. He just kinda felt like it.

Student #1: "Wait. Who's Rumsfeld? It says 'Bush announces Rumsfeld resigns.' Who's Rumsfeld?"

Student #2: "He's the Secretary of Defense."

Student #1: "Oh. Why did he resign?"

- Loyola University Library

-- Submitted by Treecha

Respect for professionals.

Guy: "I just saw my dentist for the first time in 6 years. He said, 'Everything looks good except for a few cavities on one side.' I was like, 'You're the one who fucked up my retainer and forced me to chew on one side of my mouth for the rest of my life, you little bitch!'"

- Chicago Federal Reserve

-- Submitted by Shhhh!

Letting him down easy.

Man: "But, baby, I don't want us to end. We've been through so much. I love you."

Woman: "You're a fucktard. Bye."

- United Center

-- Submitted by Shabazz

Monday, November 13, 2006

Nothing like sympathy to get you through death.

Woman: (on cell) "You're dying? Well. Would you like some spaghetti while you're dying?"

- Brownstone's, DePaul, Lincoln Campus

-- Submitted by Deborah

Me. Ow.

Girl #1: "Maybe I should have dressed as a pinata. Then we'd actually have something to do at this house party."

Girl #2: "Well, you aren't dressed like a pinata, but I'd be more than happy to beat you with a stick."

- Milwaukee and Damen

-- Submitted by Pegasus Surprise

Well, it is a class about sleep studies.

Student: "And I love how she was sassing me about being late. I haven't been late that much. And maybe if her class wasn't such a snore-fest, I might want to be there for the whole thing!"

- Loyola, Water Tower Campus

-- Submitted by B

Friday, November 10, 2006

Out today.

Sorry about the lack of posts today. I had to get out the door early. I'll make a triumphant return on Monday. In the mean time, make me a happy camper and buy a shirt or something. Or you could add me as a friend on MySpace.

Thanks,

Z

Thursday, November 09, 2006

Those are called sundaes.

Woman #1: "I've been downing parfaits left and right. They're delicious!"

Woman #2: "Do you prefer strawberry yogurt or plain? What about granola?"

Woman #1: "I usually have them with ice cream. And whipped cream."

- Washington and Wells

-- Submitted by Kinny

It's strictly for comfort purposes!

Woman: "Damn it! I'm so mad he looks better in women's lingerie than I do!"

- N. Michigan Ave.

-- Submitted by Lisa

Nothing says commitment like slappin' different ho's.

Woman: (on cell) "Is you is or is you ain't my man? Well if you is then why you be gettin' arrested? If you was my man you would stop messin with that ho, whoopin' her ass, and then gettin' arrested!"

- Red Line

-- Submitted by Mahrya

They must have been jumping over canyons.

(Group of 20-something black guys dressed in normal clothing on the Saturday before Halloween)

Drunk white guy:"Hey look, they're all dressed as Kanye West!"

- McDonald's, Fullerton/Halsted/Lincoln

-- Submitted by Tim

Wednesday, November 08, 2006

Gay guys can be so bitchy sometimes.

Guy: "So this little whore is trying to get with my ex just to hurt me, so I'm just going to tell [my ex] that he has AIDS."

- Loyola Lakeshore Campus

-- Submitted by B


Don't forget to add me to your friends list on MySpace!

Yay for this mom.

Mom: "You are not getting a cell phone because you are 5 YEARS OLD!!"

- Northside Target

-- Submitted by Mondo

Seriously? You keep up a good facade.

Girl: (yells) "I LOVE HENESSEY!" (stops yelling) "Bye Bitch. So anyway my life is totally not together right now."

- Loyola University

-- Submitted by Can't Believe It

Tuesday, November 07, 2006

ATTENTION WHORE!

Woman: "Whenever someone says they're in P.R. or advertising, I'm like, 'Wow, you just got more interesting.'"

- Red Line

-- Submitted by Qazzz

Three miles? I usually go 10 feet. Then collapse. And eat.

Girl 1: "Oh my god! I can't believe I got two doughnuts! I am going to be SO FAT!"

Girl 2: (laughs) "Do you remember last week when we ran three miles instead of eatting?"

Girl 1: "Yeah, that was so awesome."

- Downtown Dunkin Donuts

-- Submitted by Apeface

He's right. Just ask Carnie Wilson

Big Dude: "I just don't have a sense of self."

Buddy: "Yeah, you do. You've really been doing well."

Big Dude: "No. Being fat is not a sense of self. It's a sense of cake."

- Purple Line

-- Submitted by Cheese Soup

Monday, November 06, 2006

Kind of like trying acid...in sandwich form.

Mother: "C'mon Rachel! Get out of the car, open your mind, and try something new."

Kid: "Fine! But Corner Bakery is NOT the same as Panera!"

- Highland Park

-- Submitted by I Love the Northern 'Burbs

Wiggity.

Indian kid #1: "Shenil's blacker than you."

Indian Kid #2: "Yeah, but Krishna is blacker than both of us."

White Kid: "Nah. I'm the blackest one here, yo."

- North Suburban High School

-- Submitted by White and Nerdy

Back up, Missy. At least 10% did.

Girl: "Where do construction workers even learn how to do construction? It's not like they went to college."

- Red Line

-- Submitted by Marjorie

Friday, November 03, 2006

Best Program Ever.

Hot Chick: "I'm now in a 12 step program. I'm never more than 12 steps away from chocolate."

- Morton Grove

-- Submitted by Roar



Don't forget to check out The Myspace page or buy a cool item at The Shop!!

Except Grave Diggers.

Crazy: "I'm no spring chicken, you know. I'm 60 years old. I'm just five years away from retiring. And then, if you take that further, eventually the grave. Yes siree, I'll be in my grave. And then no one can get me!"

- 151 Bus

-- Submitted by (the aptly named) 151 Rider

Funny because it's true.

CTA PA: "Attention Riders: Brown Line trains are currently running normally. We apologize for the inconvenience."

- Montrose Brown Line Station

-- Submitted by Brenda

You should check out the man-eating dragon sitting next to you.

Stoner: "Dude. I am so high right now, this bus is freaking me out."

- 173 Bus

-- Submitted by Kate

Thursday, November 02, 2006

The future of America....again.

Girl #1: "Amy's not going to meet us. She had a gynecologist appointment."

Girl #2: "Gynecologist. What a funny word. Try to say that ten times fast."

Girl #1: "Gynecologist, gynecologist, gynecologist, gynecologist."

Girl #2: "Gynecologist."

Girl #1: "Hey! I should try to fit my hand in my mouth."

- Red Line

-- Submitted by Mahrya

This girl can't read. Or is into S/M.

Girl #1: "It's just so totally exciting."

Girl #2: "Yeah. It is. They're huge."

Girl #1: "It's going to be the best job ever."

Girl #2: "Your DREAM job."

Girl #1: "I can only hope it's as good as that Devil Wears Prada book."

- Red Line

-- Submitted by Jannette

I hate those cold Argentinian winters!

Girl #1 : "I think my sister is going to Argentina."

Girl #2: "Really? Isn't it going to be cold? She will freeze!"

Girl #1: "Huh? What are you talking about?"

Girl #2: "Isn't Argentina in Alaska?"

- Michigan and Wacker

-- Submitted by Ear

Updates Soon

It's been a hell of a morning.

Wednesday, November 01, 2006

They'll probably share it with you, anyway.

Pothead: "Dude! I held a pound of weed once for a guy. It was the most weed I had ever had, but it was for some serious dudes, so we didn't mess with the stuff"

- Brown Line

-- Submitted by Tina

But who will laugh at you when you come up empty?

Angry Wife: "Dammit Rob, I don't want to go to that party. We can go bobbing for apples at home!"

- Pier 1 on Broadway

-- Submitted by Maria

Being a guy officially rules.

(Flush)

Girl 1: "Ewww!"

Girl 2: "Did you get water in your butt?"

- Dominican U. washroom

-- Submitted by Liz

Tuesday, October 31, 2006

Happy Halloween Everyone!

Girl #1: "...so I just don't know."

Girl #2: "There are SO many choices!"

Girl #1: "Yeah! I could go as a bird, or a lion, or an elephant, or a monkey. A muppet or a cartoon character. My favorite TV star. I could even go as..."

Random Guy: "Why don't you go as a fat, loud mouthed bitch? Oh wait. Too late."

- Green Line

-- Submitted by Pumpkin

Eleventh Commandment: Thou shalt not eat ice cream.

Middle Aged Woman: "I feel less sinful eating sorbet."

- Jewel-Osco, Broadway and Addison

-- Submitted by The Devil

I voted for Kerry. He was pro-"change."

Bum: "Hey, can you help a vet out with some change?"

Guy: "Sorry, don't have any."

Bum: "Damnit! I'm getting sick of hearing that bullshit! They got to get Bush out of office. Nobody carries around any change anymore!"

- Marathon - Mile 26

-- Submitted by A Magician Named Spork

More accurate than the Weather Channel.

Young Guy: "I mean, it ain't like, 'God Damn! It's fucking cold out!' It's more like, 'Shit Nigga. It's kinda cold.'"

- Red Line

-- Submitted by Chance

Monday, October 30, 2006

Halloween Humor Part 1

Girl: "What are you supposed to be?"

Guy: "Go away."

Girl: "Come on. I don't feel like guessing anymore."

Guy: "Fine. I'm dressed as that guy who doesn't want to be at this lame ass party talking to stupid whores."

- Waukegan

-- Submitted by Frank N. Wolf

Halloween Humor Part 2

Girl: "What are you going to go as?"

Guy: "I went as a fairy princess last year. I think I'm going to do that again."

Girl: "Oh! That's a great idea! But how are you going to hide your...you know...man-thing?"

- UIC Circle Campus Center

-- Submitted by Lola

Halloween Humor Part 3

Cocky frat guy: "I'm going as a penis for halloween."

Girlfriend (sarcastically): "Yeah. I'm sure you'll be the biggest man on campus."

- Loyola

-- Submitted by Maria

Friday, October 27, 2006

Yes. Yes he is.

Drunk Girl (to 2-year-old boy in his dad's arms): "Hey there, little guy! Are you as drunk as I am?"

- Roosevelt Metra Station

-- Submitted by Bunny

Getting poor one beer at a time.

Girl: "I would be soo rich if I didn't go out all the time!"

- Wabash and Madison

-- Submitted by Barney

5 fugs at the same time?

Girl 1: "Ohmigod, I made out with like, 5 people last night!"

Girl 2: "Ohmigod, 6?"

Girl 3: "5?"

Girl 4: "Well, out of 5 guys at least one must've been cute!"

- Belmont L Platform

-- Submitted by R

Thursday, October 26, 2006

Ink. Lubrication. Fix?

Dude: "No. The lock is friggin' broke, man. I can't fix it."

Genius: "Have you tried using a pen or something to rig it?"

Dude: "Yeah. I tried a pen. Right after the GOD DAMN KEY DIDN'T WORK. Idiot."

- Metra

-- Submitted by Terry

Must be psychic.

Girl: "That guy's crazy! I just saw his life flash before my eyes."

- State and Madison

-- Submitted by Starzero

40? 30 is when everything goes downhill!

Old Lady: "I talked to the lawyer in our building about keeping them from renting to 20 year old kids. I mean how do they afford living in our building or our area? i think they put their rent on a credit card. What's the limit on credit cards?"

Friend: "I don't know, I think it varies."

Old Lady: "Well I bet that's what they do. I bet they keep charging and charging and then can never pay it off."

Friend: "You think they'd pay it off to get ahead."

Old Lady: "Well that's kids for you. Our place was better when it had old people. Not old as in old, but old as in 40."

- 143 Bus

-- Submitted by Dizzy

Wednesday, October 25, 2006

Nope. Rental companies like losing money.

Out-of-towner: (on cell) "Yes. Hi. I can't seem to remember what car I was driving. I lost my parking ticket and need to know the license plate number. Yes, I have the rental agreement. Okay. Okay. Oh. The one that says car type and plate #. And you believe these to be correct?"

- Park One on Wabash and Congress

-- Submitted by Joan

Carefree times, my pitoot.

Kid #1: "One lil', two lil', three lil' indians."

Kid #2: "They're arabs, you moron."

- Lincoln Park

-- Submitted by dat ho

And the skies said "You're a moron!"

Guy: "I wasn't pregnant yesterday, but then I looked up at the clouds."

- State and Lake

-- Submitted by Special K

The head cheerleader, two years later.

Drunk Chick: "Anyyyy of you guys goin' to see The Frey? Well you guys allll suck!!! Hey, you! You were in my social psychology class, right? Yeah, I thought I knew you from that class. I never talked to anyone. I guess I'm not very social."

- Redline

-- Submitted by Displaced Southsider

Tuesday, October 24, 2006

But then you'd be eating them.

Dude: "Great. $23 to see roaches. I could go to a restaurant for that."

- Shedd Aquarium

-- Submitted by Jesse

I hope your shoes have a green card.

Girl: (on cell) "So like yeah, whatever mom. They're cool shoes. I got them before Nordstrom! My taxi shoes rock. MOOOM!! They're cool. Yes I said TAXI. But they don't look like I'm wearing a car on my feet."

- 143 Bus

-- Submitted by Dizzy

Girls NEVER pretend to be drunk. Ever.

"Drunk" College Girl: "Man, I'm so drunk I can't even read that Popeye's sign.

Friend: "You just did."

"Drunk" college girl: "Popeyeyeyeyeye's."

- Near Loyola University

-- Submitted by L

Monday, October 23, 2006

Great. Now it's freaking ruined!

Girl #1: "Boy, it's freezing out here!"

Girl #2: "I have a fireplace at my new apartment!"

Girl #1: "You should totally use it. You invite a cute boy over and cuddle with a nice glass of wine."

Girl #2: "No, I don't think I'm going to use it. It looks like there's been a fire in it."

- Michigan Ave.

-- Submitted by Nay Nay

Hi. I'm non-sequitur. Have we met?

Guy #1: "This is, like, a very European store."

Guy #2: "I blame catwoman."

- Ikea, Schaumburg

-- Submitted by Ellen

Happy Ending! HAPPY ENDING!

Woman #1: "What are you thinking of being for Halloween?"

Woman #2: "I don't know, my husband's so picky about everything. One year I was a geisha and he was a samurai. I'm thinking of doing that again."

Woman #1: "Why not? Everybody loves a geisha!"

- Lakeview

-- Submitted by Angry Little Asian Girl

Because you're an idiot.

Girl: (looking at Sears Tower) "Why is the top of the Eiffel Tower pink?"

- UIC

-- Submitted by Molly

Friday, October 20, 2006

Wrong. Just wrong.

Woman #1: "Are you going to go?"

Woman #2: "I don't know. They told me to bring the sexiest guy I know."

Woman #1: "So?"

Woman #2: "The only guy I can think of bringing is my brother. He's pretty damn sexy."

- Aon Center Elevator

-- Submitted by MoMo

I don't know. Planned Parenthood?

Woman: "The guys here are SO nice. I mean, where else could you buy a pregnancy test and the next day they ask you if it was positive of negative?"

- Park Place Market

-- Submitted by (the aptly named) Park Place Resident

I'm glad we had this talk, son.

Little Boy: "You mean I used to be a sperm?"

Dad: "Yep."

Little Boy: "And I raced all the other sperms?"

Dad: "That's right."

Little Boy: "And I won the race!"

- Museum of Science and Industry

-- Submitted by L

Must be Nickelodeon Slime.

Girl: "Eww did you get it on me?"

Girl: "You did! I can feel it! Its all oozy and disgusting!"

Girl: "Do you think it has AIDS?"

- Loyola Dorms

-- Submitted by Mute

Thursday, October 19, 2006

Awww. You're cute. And stupid.

Girl: "So, like what's your professionalism?"

Guy: "What do you mean?"

Girl: "Oh, I just meant like what's your job?"

Girl: "I'm actually a good cook."

Guy: "Really?"

Girl: "Yeah, I've cooked for many a..uh..many a...um..."

Guy: "Person?"

Girl: "YEAH! Like, people."

- Brown Line

-- Submitted by Erin

I guess wings are the only thing Red Bull gives you.

Guy: (on cell) "I'm sorry I did not last very long last night. Usually when I have a Red Bull I have a lot more endurance. What do you mean it was a mistake?"

- 77 Bus, Belmont

-- Submitted by JD

Yup. I'm sure she looked exactly the same when it was written.

Girl: "That's probably who Baby Got Back was written about."

- Western Ave.

-- Submitted by Yelena

Wednesday, October 18, 2006

Most romantic 10 minutes of her life.

Girl: (on cell) "So we were sitting there, near the tent, and he tries to put his arm around me. I'm like, 'Hello! We broke up.' So he tells me it's just to warm me up. Ten minutes later, we're having sex. I bet you he just took me camping to get laid. (pause) Well, yeah. Probably 10 times."

- Green Line

-- Submitted by Boku


Don't forget to check out the shop and the myspace page!!!

Indentured Servititude or Slavery? YOU Decide.

Businessman: "So my company had this guy interning this summer. Number one student in China out of 500 kids in his Beijing University. Anyway, he is in Chicago now, getting his PhD at U Chicago. We can use his services anytime. Just buy him a cup of coffee and he is ours."

- Purple Line

-- Submitted by Rita

Drunk guy = funny

(On red line during a stop)

Drunk dude: (wakes up panicked) "THE TRAIN! SHE RUN OUTTA GAS!"

- Red Line - Armitage

-- Submitted by Brett

Than 'downtown' part was just a joke.

Girl: "So where are you guys going tonight?"

Guy: "Some bars downtown. Maybe Wrigleyville."

Girl: "Wow. Why go all the way out to Wrigleyville? That suburb is so far!"

- Blue Line

-- Submitted by Sully

Tuesday, October 17, 2006

They're nipping crime in the bud.

Guy: "What kind of police academy failure do you have to be to get relegated to Forest Preserve Police Officer?"

Girl: "What do they do all day?"

Guy: "They try to stop tree on tree violence."

- Skokie Forest Preserve

-- Submitted by Zion

Would you prefer Dennis Hastert?

Professor: "I don't want to die choking on Donald Rumsfeld!"

- Chicago-Kent Legal Writing Class

-- Submitted by Julz

What's the female version of 'complete and total idiot.'

Guy: "I'm looking for the female version of the word 'phallic.'"

Girl: "It's 'vulvic' isn't it?"

- Green Eye

-- Submitted by Chris

Newsflash: It happens anyway

Girl: "I don't know, these pants look too tight and my ass looks huge. I don't want a bunch of 15 and 16-year olds fantasizing about their teacher."

- Forever 21

-- Submitted by Lindsay

Monday, October 16, 2006

And the mind of a jester.

Woman #1: "We gettin' out of here. NOW!"

Woman #2: "I want breakfast!"

Woman #1: "We ain't buyin' no food from no liars."

Woman #2: "What?"

Woman #1: "They sayin' this free sample is strawberry cream cheese and it ain't! It's definitely raspberry. You can't fool me. I have the tongue of a queen."

- Panera on Congress Parkway

-- Submitted by Julie



Don't forget to check out the OIC MySpace page. Less lameness, coming soon.

Heaven has a lot of traffic. And corn.

Guy: (on cell) "Israel is Babylon and the United States is Heaven and they can't get in! Israel is Babylon! Holy Shit!"

- Redline

-- Submitted by Elora

Baffling.

Hysterical Woman: "I ain't no ho! I ain't no drug addict! I had kids! The reason I had more kids is cuz they came and took my kids away from me!"

- Outside of Ann Sather's on Belmont

-- Submitted by Grace

Eliteracy iz nu skool.

Mom: "Here, read this."

Son: (Swipes it away.) "Mo-om! Books are old-school!"

- Chicago Public Library

-- Submitted by R

Friday, October 13, 2006

Smell that? Because it smells like stupid.

Girl: (on cell) "...and I've been feeling really stupid lately. I can't hold on to anything. I can't remember anything. It's like I get dumber by the day. Is there such a thing as adult onset Down's Syndrome?"

- Purple Line

-- Submitted by Kylie

Interesting because of the stubble?

Girl: "All of the women here are really interesting looking."

Flamboyant Man: "Sweetie, that's because most of them are men."

- Boystown

-- Submitted by David

Only after magic dust is sprinkled on them so they can get their wings.

Frat boy #1: "Hey man, where'd all the clouds go?"

Frat boy #2: (most earnestly) "I think they disintegrated."

Frat boy #3: (Pointing to the horizon) "You assholes. They're right over there. Clouds MOVE."

Frat boy #1: "Clouds move?"

- Lincoln Park near the lake

-- Submitted by Erin

No. Way.

Girl: "She had two vaginas, but one was a false one."

- Loyola Lake Shore Campus

-- Submitted by Kiwi Tom

Thursday, October 12, 2006

By placenta, I hope she means flowers.

Woman: "Come on! We've been invited to bury the placenta in the backyard."

- Logan Square

-- Submitted by Olivia

It's still funny in 2006.

(Valet slips on a banana peel)

Passerby: "Dude! That's SOO 1920's!"

- Southport and Fullerton

-- Submitted by Mel

To his defense, they both have ghosts.

Passenger #1: "Oh look, there's another nice golf course."

Passenger #2: "Dude, that's a cemetary."

- Southwest flight over Chicago

-- Submitted by Melime

1985 WORLD CHAMPS!!! WOOOOOOOOOO!!!!

Man in Payton Jersey: "You Seattle fans are idiots! Stop living in
the past, man!"

- Soldier Field after the Seattle game

-- Submitted by Cris

Wednesday, October 11, 2006

Good thing. You don't want a black eye.

Lady: "No man has ever hit me; I've been choked and shot at, but a man has never hit me!"

- Western Bus

-- Submitted by Sarah


Hey Guys and Gals. Don't forget to visit the store and get some cool stuff.

Especially when you eat it.

Woman: "It's just like the one you eat, only the taste is different..."

- Miska's

-- Submitted by Maruska

DAMN YOU UNREALISTIC BARBIE!!!

Girl: (on cell) "I really don't want to talk right now. I just had a really, really terrible thing happen to me at H&M. No, it was just that I couldn't find anything I wanted to buy because nothing looked good on me, and then I started to have body issues."

- Chicago and Wabash

-- Submitted by Simone

The new Father of Philosophy.

Suit #1: "You are so lucky! Next time, he will KILL you. Rip your head off and KILL you."

Suit #2: "Yeah, you don't do that to the big cheese, man."

Suit #3: "Eh. Life's too short to live long."

- 900 N. Michigan

-- Submitted by Miles

Tuesday, October 10, 2006

Pretty much.

Girl #1: "Did you tell him you bought a dress for homecoming?"

Girl #2: "Yeah, but he didn't care at all."

Girl #1: "That's because he has a penis."

- Metra

-- Submitted by JW

I have no idea what this means. I must be getting old.

Boy #1: "Aw, man! Shut up! Your Dad drives a taxi for a living."

Boy #2: "Yeah? Well, my Momma told yo’ Momma not to use that relaxer on her head when she was pregnant, and now look at you!"

- McDonalds on Clark and Drummond

-- Submitted by Jennifer

The wonderful world of dads.

Young Kid: "Daddy? What do they do if someone doesn't pay?"

Dad: "The driver will kick him."

Young Kid: "Really?"

Dad: "Well, no. The driver will pick him up and shove him out the window."

- 56 Milwaukee Bus

-- Submitted by BusRider

Monday, October 09, 2006

Wait. What is she?

Guy: "Hey! YOU! You're dressed like a whore! Whore, whore, whore, whore, slutty whore, whore. You're a whorey, whorey whore! DAMN KIDS ALL LOOK LIKE WHORES! Whore!"

- Ohio Street

-- Submitted by Brian

Which he'll use to stop the damn bus.

(Bus driver passes requested stop)

Guy: "Winchester! Excuse me, WINCHESTER!"

Wannabe Cowboy: "Now that's a damned good rifle."

- 78 Montrose Bus

-- Submitted by Shane

Hi. I'm TiVo. Have we met?

Woman: "I"m going to miss Gray's Anatomy this week. I totally hate myself."

- Brown Line

-- Submitted by Eeeeevon

Didn't these terms die in the 80's?

Teen: "Get off me you Yuppie!"

Guy: "I'm not a Yuppie."

Teen: "Yeah, sure."

Guy: "I'm a Yuffie, kid."

Teen: "Yuffie?"

Guy: "Young Urban Fisherman."

- Brown Line

-- Submitted by Eavesdropper

Friday, October 06, 2006

Role reversal.

Girl: (screaming after guy bumps into her) "I just touched your boobs! They were great!"

- Wrigleyville

-- Submitted by Big Mama

Who can resist a banjo?

Man: "So I was in my underwear and the banjo was just sitting there, so I said to myself, what the heck, I might as well play it."

- Viaduct Theater

-- Submitted by Spiff

Thursday, October 05, 2006

Saved from embarrasment.

Wendy's Employee: "I apologize but our Credit card machine is down, so it is cash only."

Wendy's Customer: "That's OK, I got bad credit anyway."

- Wendy's on Clark and Madison

-- Submitted by 10withamop

Then you must be a CEO.

Businesswoman: "You tell my husband I am a BUSINESSWOMAN. I can buy my OWN sequins."

- Ashland Ave

-- Submitted by Spiff

Yeah. Funny.

(Two girls watching elevator "news" screen)

Girl #1: "When I think of islands, I think of Hawaii!"

Girl #2: "Me too! What's funny is that they're 5 hours behind us, but it take 8 hours to fly there."

- Aon Center

-- Submitted by Stagalicious

Wednesday, October 04, 2006

You have Saturday and Sunday...sometimes.

New Businessman: "So I woke up at 5AM, showered, ate breakfast, got dressed, grabbed my briefcase and drove to the train station. I parked, got on the train, rode an hour downtown, and herded off the train with the rest of the cattle at Union Station. Walked in to work, said hi to my secretary, sat down and did what amounted to 8 hours of busy work. Left work at 5PM, herded back on the train, rode an hour home, got in my car, drove to my house, and didn't want to do anything but veg out and eat my macaroni and cheese. This is going to be the next 40 plus year of my life? FUCK my college degree."

- Metra/BNSF Line

-- Submitted by Cooper

Will buying a shirt or a hat really kill you? What if I started a design contest where the winner got a free shirt or something? Drop a comment and let me know if you'd be interested.

Idiot.

Girl: "Honey, look, they have free weefee! I want to try some weefee with my coffee."

Guy: "Babe, it's WiFi."

Girl: "Ok, FINE! I want to try some WiFi with my coffee."

- The Grind in Lincoln Square

-- Submitted by Dima

Drugs don't kill people. Drug dealers kill people.

Purple Robed Lady: "You're gonna get someone killed with your damn drug selling!"

- Damen and Warren

-- Submitted by dmb

They say being straightforward is what women want.

Suave Man: "Would you like some of my McDonalds?"

Woman: "No."

Suave Man: "How 'bout some of my Coke?"

Woman: "I said, no.

Suave Man: "OK, how about you sit on my dick?"

- Wilson and Sheridan

-- Submitted by Miles

Tuesday, October 03, 2006

It IS kind of awesome.

Jewish Guy: "No, man. It's perfect. You guys have to go confess and do Hail Mary's and rosary's and all kinds of crazy stuff every time you make a mistake. Jews? We sin and sin and sin, and then BAM! We're absolved in one day. It's awesome being one of the Chosen."

- Purple Line

-- Submitted by Harry



Why not buy a shirt or a mug so my 1 year old can get some warm clothes for the winter?

Perfect reason.

Woman #1: "Why is she staring at us?!"

Woman #2: "She went to detox! She can't stare at us!"

- Baja Fresh on N. Michigan

-- Submitted by curious

I'm sorry. What sorority did you say you were a part of?

Girl: "I'm just so sick and tired of playing musical hookups! I just want to settle down and end up in my bed every night."

- Redline

-- Submitted by Bluebum

Socrates? Is that you?

Guy #1: "I don't be looking at 'em. I just be looking at 'em."

Guy #2: "Right, right."

- 55th and Peoria

-- Submitted by Lou

Monday, October 02, 2006

Good point. Too bad your friend is an idiot.

Suit #1: "It's all about happiness, man. Think about it. You only have twenty four hours in a day. Sleep takes up 1/3 of that. Work takes up another 1/3. Throw in travel time and you now only have 6 hours a day do what you want. Figure an hour for dinner and you're down to five. If you aren't truly happy at home, nothing really matters workwise."

Suit #2: "Even if you're making millions? Because, I've gotta tell you, that makes me pretty happy."

Suit #1: "You're sad."

- Outside of City Hall

-- Submitted by Don

Better than "crappy."

Student: "I'm fermenting blueberries and blackberries. They smell so fermenty."

- Loyola Cafeteria

-- Submitted by conezone

Do NOT belittle Chicago's beer.

Dude: (on cell) "Let's get Old Style. That way no one will drink it."

- Daley Center

-- Submitted by Lonewolf

Nothing like arm candy.

Dude: "She could be sweet funny and intelligent, but if I can't take her to a party for three hours and leave her alone, that's a problem."

- Blue Line - Logan Square

-- Submitted by Darkling

Friday, September 29, 2006

But it's Grade A, right?

Man: "What kind of animal do you think that meat comes from? How many legs?"

Hipster: "4."

Man: "More."

Hipster: "10."

Man: "More."

Hipster: "100."

Man: "Wrong, it's zero. Earthworm. Your happy meal, not so happy."

- Blue Line

-- Submitted by Me (no, not me)

If you guys buy stuff, this little blurb will go away! Visit the store!

What happened to mints?

(Waiter brings out bill with a weight on top of it.)

Patron: "Is that a Pepperoncini?"

Waiter: "No sir, that is a rock."

Patron: "Oh."

- Flatwater

-- Submitted by Jillian

Kuala Lumpur and Taipei are kinda like New York, right?

Unimpressed Tourist: "This city is overrated. I mean, the Sears Tower? Big deal! There are about half a dozen buildings in New York taller than that."

- Chipotle on Ontario

-- Submitted by Julie

He's no Calvin Coolidge.

Sorority Girl #1: "I love Laura Bush. I think she's really pretty."

Sorority Girl #2: "I think George Bush is really hot. He's like one of those guys you'd see at a bar and I would totally go up to him and say 'Stop drinking.'"

- DePaul Student Center

-- Submitted by J.

Thursday, September 28, 2006

Good thing she isn't allergic to stupid.

Girl: "...and he convinced me I was allergic to oranges. My favorite fruit!"

- Cafe Lula

-- Submitted by Lonewolf

It would have been cooler if you were the Terminator. In Moroccan.

Dude: "...and when I was in Morocco I was in this God-awful made-for-TV-movie where I played Moses."

- Ben's Noodles in Edgewater

-- Submitted by HNR

Only if you have liquids. Or boots.

Southern Tourist: "What? We don't check our luggage?"

- Clark and Lake 'L' Stop

-- Submitted by Kristen

Yup. Totally classy in Chicago.

Metra Girl: " Stop punching the back of my seat BITCH!"

Seat Puncher: "Excuse me?"

Metra Girl: "You heard me, Ho Bag."

- Metra North Line, Ravenswood

-- Submitted by Katherine

Wednesday, September 27, 2006

Master's degrees are important

Girl #1: "OH MY GOD! I haven't seen you in forever!"

Girl #2: "Seriously! What are you doing now?"

Girl #1: "Well, I just finished my master's degree in art and religion a year ago."

Girl #2: "Sounds awesome. What do you do with that?"

Girl #1: "Right now, I'm a dog walker. I'm hoping to become a groomer soon. It pays two more dollars an hour."

- Skokie Swift

-- Submitted by MoMo

Show Chicago that you're listening in! The gear is here!

Sure they do. They can run away.

Girl #1: "I hate when homeless people have dogs. I feel so sorry for them, they have to sleep on the concrete."

Girl #2: "You don't care that the people are homeless, just that they have homeless pets?"

Girl #1: "The dogs don't have a choice!"

- Clark and Van Buren

-- Submitted by Dumbfounded

Please be a female bartender. Please be a female bartender.

Guy: (on cell) "Dude, you're NOT going to go back and have sex with the bartender. Think about Janice!"

- Red Line

-- Submitted by Sid

Drunk people = funny

Drunk guy: "So, where are you from?"

Algerian Guy: "I am from Algeria.

Drunk guy: "Wow! I'm pretty good at geometry, but I don't where Algeria is."

- Getting into a cab near Lake Shore Drive

-- Submitted by Andy

Tuesday, September 26, 2006

Is he more attractive with beer goggles on?

Corner Preacher: "You don't need fornication and masturbation. Jesus will satisfy!"

- Outside of Old Navy on State

-- Submitted by Chi-Nanny

Loitering is cool, though.

Mom #1: "Girl, don't you see the sign? It says 'No Lottery in the Hallway.'"

Mom #2: "Fine, but I don't know why they care if I play lotto. Don't they get the monies?"

- West Side Elementary School

-- Submitted by JC

The rest is just metal and tires. Not worth a dime.

(Lady walks onto train with only her bicycle seat)

Guy: "What happened to the rest of your bike?"

Lady: "It got stolen."

Guy: "At least you have the nice part."

- Red Line

-- Submitted by T.C.

What happened to asking nicely?

Girl #1: "We need to get that 'bitch' pillow."

Girl #2: "Yeah! And put it on her bed!"

Girl #1: "Maybe she will get the hint and move out!"

Girl #2: "You know it. She is driving me mad!"

- Pet Boutique on State Street

-- Submitted by Bluebum

Monday, September 25, 2006

Damn positives.

Guy #1: "...some fruits are bad for you."

Guy #2: "Yeah. The have too much sugar, but the benefits outweight the positives."

- Blue Line - Harlem Stop

-- Submitted by Anthony

No, not mine. Mine. No. MINE!!!

Girl: (on cell) "We're here where are you? In front at the door? No we're in front. There's hardly anyone here and I dont' see you. What?!! Yeah we're at 'My Bar.' 'My Bar!' Oh, YOUR bar."

Guy: "See, I told you no one in there right mind would come here on purpose. This place is filled with people who thought they were meeting up with somone at 'their' bar."

- My Bar, 3555 N. Ashland Ave.

-- Submitted by JJ

Automatic out. Walking is for suckers.

Girl #1: "Wooo!!! Wooo!!!! Go White Sox!!! Hey, if there's 4 balls it's a walk, right?"

Girl #2: "Yeah."

Girl #1: "But what if there's already someone on base?"

- U.S. Cellular

-- Submitted by Rachel

Make the world a better place

Street wise vender: "One dollar is all it takes to keep me out of your house and the big house."

- Wacker and Madison

-- Submitted by Willy

Friday, September 22, 2006

Some Chicago girls are all class.

Angry Girl: "If anyone cuts in line while we walk over there I'm going to cut them. I'm not saying I adovcate violence. I'm just saying if I don't get on this shuttle I'm going to elbow and claw my way on."

- Loyola Water Tower Campus

-- Submitted by B

That's okay. They'll share.

Sandwich Lover: "Oooohhh! That looks good!