Magic Johnson's team beat them. It had to be real.

Wrestling Fan: "Almost everything on TV is! It doesn't matter if it's fake. They still get hurt and entertain people and put on a show."

Buddy: "Dude. Seriously. It's stupid and kinda gay. Dudes running around in colored tidy whiteys, holding each other by the crotch."

Wrestling Fan: "Whatever. I don't see what the difference is. It's not any different from the old Harlem Globetrotters, Washington Generals games. All that crap was fake."

Buddy: "Do not EVER desecrate my memories of the Harlem Globetrotters. They kicked the crap out of the General's time and time again because they were better than them."

Wrestling Fan: "Yeah. I'M the one that's delusional. They used to go up to the rafters and bring ladders on to the court! They used to slide between the legs of defenders! Do you honestly think that sht wasn't staged?"

Buddy: "How dare you?!"

- Ukrainian Village

-- Submitted by Zeke

She must have killed a baby bunny

Angry Mall Patron: "Oh my god! What a bitch!"

Angry Mall Patron #2: "I know. Then I told her I hope she kills herself. And if I ever saw her near me again, I would push her down the stairs."

- Old Orchard Shopping Center parking lot

-- Submitted by Maitri

Bless you. Now shut up.

Woman: (Very loud sneeze)

Woman: (2nd very loud sneeze)

(pause)

Woman: "ONE OF YOU ASSHOLES COULD HAVE SAID BLESS YOU! IT WOULD HAVE BRIGHTENED MY DAY! NOT THAT ANY OF YOU CARE!"

- Red Line

-- Submitted by Arty

The future of America, again

Drunk Chick: "Memorial Day is so awesome. It's, like, we get a day off of everything and the whole country shuts down. Go soldiers!"

Drunk Friend: "We're remembering the dead ones. You shouldn't celebrate. It's a somber day."

Drunk Chick: "Then why are we getting wasted, hypocrite."

Drunk Friend: "I'm drowning my sorrows. I'm trying not to remember Memorial Day because it's so sad. Bitch."

- Park off of Recreation Drive

-- Submitted by Joe

No change here, buddy.

Con Artist: (to bartender) "Hey man. I'm from the South Side and I was supposed to meet my brother's ex-girlfriend up here to get train fare but she didn't show and..."

Bartender: "Whoa, man. I ain't your fcking biographer. Get the hell out of here."

- Paddy Mac's Bar

-- Submitted by Brody

Just trying to get your jollies then?

Man: "If you're having sexual relations with someone, you aren't trying to have a baby."

- El Cid Restaurant

-- Submitted by kaliaction

I would be thinking the same thing

Girl: (on cell) "No, he got home from college yesterday. He says he pulled straight A's, as usual, but we told my parents he wanted to quit school. (pause) Hell yeah, they were pissed off. He said he's tired of school controlling him and his life. He told them that he was quitting school, taking control of his life, and he's going to go work at a pizza place. (pause) Totally. They were sitting there, trying to talk some sense into him. I was sitting there wondering if I was going to be getting free pizza whenever I wanted."

- Walking down Michigan Ave.

-- Submitted by Mr. Roboto

Draeming when sleeping, dreaming when you're awake

Working Stiff: "Man. I went to bed last night and all I did was dream about work. I was doing my daily tasks."

Buddy: "That sucks. That's like you were working two shifts!"

Working Stiff: "Seriously. I was so tired when I woke up because I was working in my dream. Maybe I swas sleep walking or something and actually was at work. You think if I tell them how tired I am and what I dreamt about, they would pay me for it?"

- South Shore Line

-- Submitted by Rami

It's not?

Black Girl: (Pointing at key chains) "Mama, Mama! I want bling"

Girl's Mama: "Baby, that ain't bling."

- Midway Airport

-- Submitted by LBP80

The weather today: Bitchy

Girl #1: "Look at her. She looks all pretentious."

Girl #2: "What are you talking about?"

Girl #1: "Are you serious? I mean, look at her. Wearing those shoes. And that jacket? She's ridiculous and pretentious and it makes me sick."

Girl #2: "Do you even know what pretentious means?"

Girl #1: "Yeah. It means that girl in that jacket and those shoes. What a btch."

- Daley Center

-- Submitted by Carol

She was hot

Dude #1: "She's hot."

Dude #2: "So hot."

Dude #1: "Totally hot."

Dude #2: "Ridiculously hot."

Dude #1: "Smokin' hot."

- UIC

-- Submitted by Trav

Must be why he's in such a wonderful situation

Homeless Guy: "Change, please. Change."

Passerby: "Here you go." (drops in some coins)

Homeless Guy: "Thank you, sir."

Passerby: "Have a good day, man."

Homeless Guy: "FCK YOU! DON'T TELL ME WHAT THE FCK TO DO!"

- Adams and Wabash

-- Submitted by Kevhead

Guys in suits are cute and cuddly

Businessman: (on cell) "...I know. I was tiwed. I was all wawm and cuddwy. You put the bwankie on me and I just wanted to go to sweep. I was a tiwed wittow guy. You know how dangewous it is to put a bwankie on my with such a comfy piwwow. (pause) I wuv you, too. (pause) (deep tone) No. I have a very important contract negotiation today. Should be good though. Meeting three VP's and a CEO. Bye."

- Walking down State

-- Submitted by Marv

He's not going to buy from Goodwill

Angry Customer: "You said the couch was going to be here a month ago and it's still not here."

Salesman: "Actually, you rejected the piece, sir."

Angry Customer: "It was scratched everywhere. It was leather. Why would I take a brand new scratched leather couch?"

Salesman: "Well, I can only tell you what the home office told me and the new couch will be here late July to early August."

Angry Customer: "BULLSHT! YOU TOLD ME I WOULD GET THE NEXT COUCH COMING OUT OF THE FACTORY!"

Salesman: (smirking) "I'll refund your money right now sir."

Angry Customer: "NO! I WANT THE DAMN COUCH!"

Salesman: "You can take the floor model with you today."

Angry Customer: "Yeah, buddy. That's what I need. To pay $5,000 for a couch that's had 600 pairs of ass cheeks sitting on it."

- Price Furniture, Suburbs

-- Submitted by Gary

What about nachos?

Suit #1: "You have no idea what you're talking about. I love La Bamba's. They have burritos as big as your head! Taste great, too."

Suit #2: "You're insane. Pancho Pistola's is so much better. Nice, clean, good service. La Bamba's? They're almost as bad as Taco Burrito King!"

Big Mexican Dude: "Guys, seriously. You Gringos have no idea what you're talking about and it's making me mad. If you're arguing about La Bamba's and Pancho whatever, you haven't had the real stuff. Leave tacos and burritos to Mexicans like me."

Suits: (almost in unison) "Sorry."

- Red Line

-- Submitted by Glenn

That's not very P.C.

Beer Drinking Guy: "No way, no way, no way. There's no chance. If I were gay, I would most definitely kill myself."

- U.S. Cellular Field Parking Lot

-- Submitted by Jeremiah

She means 'universal friends'

Dude #1: "Oh don't worry about paying for this, you can just chip in for the snacks."

Dude #2: "Wait, we're doing universal snacks?!"

Girl: (rolls eyes) "Yeah, we'll invite all of our international friends over so we can share our 'universal snacks.' Dumbass."

- Suburbs

-- Submitted by Rachel

Follicularly challenged

Creepy Homeless Lady: "Sir. PLEASE! I need change for food."

Man in Suit: "I'm sorry. I only use credit cards."

Creepy Homeless Lady: "A POX ON YOU! A POX! MAY YOU END UP FAT, BALD, AND LONELY!"

Female Passerby: "Too late lady. That's half of Chicago's male population."

- LaSalle and Adams

-- Submitted by Romeo

How about "Lump of Shiny Metal?"

Tourist #1: "Wow. That really is amazing."

Toursit #2: "It's cool, I guess."

Tourist #1: "What? Some guy in Japan made it and shipped it to Chicago. It's a beautiful piece of art."

Tourist #2: "But the name is stupid. 'The Bean.' Why couldn't they call it something cooler? Like 'Silver Kidney' or something."

Tourist #1: "Yeah. Silver Kidney. That would really make people flock to the area."

- Millenium Park

-- Submitted by Jayvee

Caribou Coffee has softer floors

Homeless Woman: "Can I have a dollar so I can get breakfast??"

Guy: "Sure. Here you go."

Homeless Woman: "I got a dollar! I sleep in Starbucks and I got a dollar!"

-- Downtown Bus

-- Submitted by Dizzy

Covert Ops

Guy: "Was she hot?"

Playa: "Yeah, she was hot. Hotter than almost any girl I've ever seen."

Guy: "So what happened?"

Playa: "We were talkin'. Getting to know each other. I could tell she was interested, but was hesitating. I calmed her down, let her know everything was cool. I was probably going to end up getting her number or something."

Guy: "Was probably? Why didn't you?"

Playa: "My phone rang. I answered 'Hi, Honey.' I think that killed the mood."

- Buca Di Beppo on Rush

-- Submitted by Jeremy

Just disturbing

Old Lady 1: "So what do you think?"

Old ady 2: "I'm not sure, but i might go for that cheeky male gyneoclogist"

Old ady 1: "Y'know, i actually like women gynecologists."

Old ady 2: "Did you like the woman gynecologist? Is she Mid(dle)-Eastern?"

Old ady 1: "No, she's actually Irish."

- Loyola University, CFSU, after graduation

-- Submitted by Angie

And you, Sir, are not Simon Cowell

(Girl on train listening to Ipod, singing loudly.)

(Man taps her on the shoulder.)

Girl: "Yeah?"

Man: "Girl, this is NOT American Idol! You best stop singing!"

- Red Line

-- Submitted by Sweets

Darned impulse vacations.

Guy: "Man, I could have just stayed in the country and gone fishin'. I came to Chicago on impulse."

- Starbucks on Belmont and Clark

-- Submitted by Anjali

Kojak wasn't hot

Girl: "I wish I could change my hair color every day. That would totally be awesome."

Friend: "That makes your hair fall out, doesn't it? You'd be bald."

Girl: "Yeah. But then I could paint my head in different colors. Bad ass."

Friend: "TOTALLY! You could even paint, like, designs and stuff on it. That would be super sweet."

Girl: "I would be hot."

Friend: "Totally hot."

- Red Line, Loyola Station

-- Submitted by The Rambler

Fall Down Drunk

Woman: (slurring) "I can't drink this much anymore. It's dangerous."

Friend: "Why is it dangerous? We aren't driving anywhere. We just have to walk around and not fall."

Woman: "That's the problem. Whenever I get super drunk and walk around.I fall down. Then I break things. My fingers, my ribs. I think one time I broke my face, but I can't remember."

- O'Malley's

-- Submitted by Reg

Chicago Blasphemy

Pitcher Girl: "I just couldn't field the ball right. It's so big. If I could use a glove, I would totally get it everytime."

Fielder Guy: "If you could use a what? A WHAT?! This is 16" softball, woman. People have been killed for the mere thought of using a glove in this game. If you bring it up again, there will be problems."

- Grant Park

-- Submitted by Carol

The boy's name: Spot

20 Year Old girl: "I keep trying and trying, but he just won't do it."

Guy Friend: "Well, if he's listening, maybe he'll eventually get it."

20 Year Old: "I can't keep trying to train him like this. It's getting too frustrating. He just won't listen and do what I tell him. I just need to find a boyfriend who fits my ideal mold and will do what I say."

Guy Friend: "Good luck. It's not like you're picky or anything."

- Northwestern Campus

-- Submitted by Damian

Unless he was Jewish

Guy (talking to himself): "...he's the dumbest motherfcker Jesus ever died for!"

- Red Line

-- Submitted by Windex

Strange. Mine says 'I love fugly moms."

Trixie girl: "Haha, that guy's shirt says 'I love hot moms.' That's funny."

- Wrigley Field

-- Submitted by David

At least you aren't going backwards

Navigator: "We're going the wrong direction. 150 degrees wrong!"

- Red Line

-- Submitted by M

He must be married

Guy: (on cell) "Yeah, yeah. You're a crafty little bitch, aren't you?"

- Starbucks on Jackson

-- Submitted by Stephen

Give the man his own train car

(Train pulls up to next stop)

Crazy Train Guy: (making his way to doors) "Excuse me. Excuse me. I have to be first off the train. If I'm not, everyone suffers. STAND BACK. STAND BACK. THIS SPACE IS RESERVED. I don't think anyone wants their head bashed in!"

(doors open, CTG runs down the stairs)

Crazy Train Guy: (screaming) "GET OUT OF MY WAY BEFORE I PUSH YOU DOWN THE STAIRWELL! IT'S TIME FOR ME TO GET TO WORK!"

- Purple Line Clark Stop

-- Submitted by City Guy

At least schedule a time for him to eat some gruel

Mother: (on cell) "He has soccer practice at 8:00, volleyball at noon, and piano at 3:00. Then he has to finish his homework. (pause) No. We can't do Sunday either. He has to go to church in the morning, do his chores after church, and then study for his tests. At night we have family reading time and he's got to finish his book. He's well behind and we can't discuss it if he doesn't catch up. (pause) If I don't fill his weekend, what else is he going to do? Relax? That's not going to work in my family."

- Purple Line

-- Submitted by Kale

Raising Arizona...houses

Guy 1: "I just bought that property too. Right near Vail, Arizona. My house was on top of a hill and I had a view of the mountains."

Guy 2: "So they're just going to build a house in the middle of your view? On top of another hill?"

Guy 1: "Yeah. I just hope that thing teeters off its hill. I paid for a frickin' view!"

- Brown Line

-- Submitted by Gray

So, about 13%?

Contractor Company Boss: "How much do you guys have finished?"

Contractor Company Employee: "Almost more than 25% of half."

- Fallujah, Iraq (yes, the IP and location checks out)

-- Submitted by Keith B. (Stay safe, Keith)

Where is the love?

(Man sits down next to woman, with many empty seats on the train.. She gets up and moves to another seat.)

Drunk man: "Why you gotta act like that? There's no communication here. I'm leaving Chicago! Ain't nobody got any communication skills."

Woman: "Stupid!"

- Red Line

-- Submitted by Hottiez

Coach ear plugs?

Girl 1: "Like look at the girl who just walked on the bus, thinking she's all cool."

Girl 2: "Yeah, look she has a coach bag!"

Girl 1: "Yes, yes she does. And she's got plugs in her ears so she can't tell we're talking about her."

Girl 2: "Yeah she does! HA!"

Girl 3: "Oh hey guys...didn't see you there."

Girl 1: "Yeah, we know. You have those damn plugs in your ears. Dead to the world."

Girl 2: "So let's see the shoes!"

Girl 3: "I know right! How cute are these!"

- Downtown Bus

-- Submitted by Dizzy

We can dance. We can dance. Everybody look at my pants.

Man: "As soon as I get home, I'm throwing these pants out."

- Arlington Heights Barnes and Noble

-- Submitted by Jimmy B.

If we didn't, we'd all be lonely

(Babbling drunk girls get off the train)

Guy: "Dude, can you believe we put up with that?"

-Red Line

-- Submitted by Fred

Sounds serious

Man: "Hey! How was your weekend?"

Woman: "Awful. I feel terrible."

Man: "What's the matter?"

Woman: "I just had to rest my kidneys and skull all weekend. They were tired."

- Purple Line Belmont Platform

-- Submitted by Ben

Not really "hands free"

(Woman using a hands free device, holding microphone up to her mouth)

Woman: "Yeah. I know. Wiseguy was there and Jake..."

Aggravated Train Guy: "It's a HANDS FREE UNIT, you stupid wench. When you use a hand to hold the mic, it defeats the whole damn purpose! IT'S NOT LIKE YOU'RE WHISPERING! IF YOU NEED TO USE ONE HAND, JUST GET RID OF THE FCKING EAR PIECE!"

Woman: (on phone) "I don't know. Some dude yelling at somebody."

- Green Line

-- Submitted by Eegs

His biggest fan

Guy: "Oh man, I can't wait. Three hours before we see Conan O'Brien."

Girl: "What's his middle name?"

Guy: "Huh?"

Girl: "What's his middle name? What does the 'O' stand for?"

- In line for Conan O'Brien in Chicago

-- Submitted by Barold

Whites? I'd be more concerned with babies.

Girl: "...and then the dryer was spewing blood."

Friend: "I hope you didn't have any whites in there."

- Downtown laundrymat

-- Submitted by Elora

Where are all mine at?

(Girl and guy rushing into a bar near closing time)

Girl: "There were a lot more bitches in here earlier."

Guy: "Bitches? Were you in here before?"

Girl: "'Bitches' means 'people.'"

- Dekalb

-- Submitted by krowgoat

With magic scissors, silly goose!

Gay Guy #1: "So we might be at the hairstylist's at the same time?"

Gay Guy #2: "Yeah!"

Gay Guy #1: "So how should I get my haircut?"

Gay Guy #2: "Get it cut long."

Gay Guy #1: "How do I get my hair cut long?"

- Urban Outfitters

-- Submitted by Maria

My boss?

Suit #1: "He never has to defend himself. I've never seen him do it."

Suit #2: "It's because he never takes accountability. He throws it back at everyone else."

Suit #1: "How has he stayed in this position for so damn long?"

Suit #2: "I don't know. The only thing he hasn't done is start that break room fire, but I have my doubts about that, too."

- Walking down Randolph

-- Submitted by Fran

Beg him for forgiveness

Student: "I'm getting tired of all this Chuck Norris crap. What has he done in his life that makes him so friggin' great?"

Student #2: "I bet you he can hear you. You better not say such things or he will kill you with just a look...and a drop kick."

- Loyola Campus

-- Submitted by Harve

Put them in bubble wrap, too

Parent: "They're not allowing running on playgrounds? During recess? What is that?"

Friend: "I don't know. They took away dodgeball, tag, kickball, and other stuff we used to play. I think it's stupid."

Parent: "Are kids never supposed to learn to get hurt or go to their limits? We used to have hot metal slides and sharp corner toys everywhere. If you were hurt, you cried a little bit and went on your way."

Friend: "I know, man. This whole 'everything has to be 100% risk-free' and 'age of entitlement' thing is going to destroy the future. You can't tell a kid no anymore."

- Blue Line

-- Submitted by Hippo

A secret "love child"

(Large man is sitting at table with jet black hair and large black sunglasses)

Mid-20's Guy: "Holy crap! HOLY CRAP! I knew it!"

Large Guy: "Pardon me?"

Mid-20's guy: "It's you! It's really you!"

Large Guy: "Do I know you?"

Mid-20's guy: "You're Roy Orbison and Louie Anderson's kid, right?"

- Artist's Cafe on Michigan Ave

-- Submitted by Snicker

Like Danny and Arnold in Twins

Nursing student #1: "Her and me, we look just the same."

Nursing student #2: "No you don't."

Nursing student #1: "Well, if you could just get past appearance, we do."

- Loyola Medical Center

-- Submitted by senlin

Mothers vs. Fathers

Mother: "...And every time I get picture of her doing group activities, she's always crying. Easter Bunny visits, she's crying. Parade around the school, she's crying. Clown shows up for 'fun day,' she's crying. Why is she always crying when these things happen?"

Father: "What do you want me to do about it?"

Mother: "I don't know, I'm just worried. Maybe something's wrong with her."

Father: "You are the epitome of paranoia."

- Morton Grove

-- Submitted by He-man

For shame!

Woman: (on cell) "I couldn't believe it. He was so proud of himself. He tells me I have a new car for our anniversary. 'New car?!' I asked him. This was a year old and had almost 1100 miles on it. If he thinks he's impressing me, he's wrong. (pause) No, it was a Corvette. (pause) But I wanted the NEW ONE!"

- Metra station in Glenview

-- Submitted by Classy Lassy

Blue Tuesday

Teen: (on cell) "No. You can't call them blue jeans. They're black. Call them black jeans. All the trouble in the world today and I have to convince you of a pants color. Red ones are red jeans, purple ones are purple jeans, and the ones I have on are blue. THAT'S WHY THEY ARE GOD DAMN BLUE JEANS!"

- Green Line

-- Submitted by Mordack

Thank God he's not ordering a bloody Mary

Alcohol Craver: "What do you have that has Pina Colada in it?"

Buckets: "Umm, a Pina Colada."

Alcohol Craver: "Yeah! Lemme get one of them joints!"

- BW3 in Tinley Park

-- Submitted by J-Buck

Solid decisions

Manager: "Where is he?"

Employee: "On his way. He should be here any second."

Manager: "I'll stay. It's important. (pause) No, I'm going to go. It's not important enough to miss the next meeting."

Employee: "Okay."

Manager: "No, I'll stay. Can we conference call? Maybe I'll just go. It's important, but maybe I'll just go. When is the meeting? Where's the washroom?"

- Chase Building

-- Submitted by Globula

He does not want sexual relations with this woman

Guy: "It's not the same thing."

Girl: "Yes it is, and it's disgusting."

Guy: "No it's not. Just let me show you."

Girl: "NO! Just forget it."

Guy: "It feels really good. I promise."

Girl: "Damn it! I'm not gonna let you lick my asshole!"

- UIC Campus

-- Submitted by Lara

That would mess up the stars on the US flag

Girl 1: "They eat deer down there."

Girl 2: "Down where?"

Girl 1: "South of Chicago, in the country, they eat deer."

Girls 2: "Gross. Chicago ought to be its' own state. That way we don't have to claim the rest of Illinois."

- On the L

-- Submitted by Michael T.

One, banana. Two, banana. Three, banana. Four.

Guy 1: "I didn't get any bananas. I hate bananas."

Guy 2: "Bananas are fckin nasty, dude."

- Luigi's on Clark

-- Submitted by Rower Girl

You MUST make a fashion statement

Guy: "You hate sunglasses don't you? You take them off, put them on, take them off."

Girl: "We're on the bus. There's no sun."

Guy: "Well, it doesn't matter if there's no sun. The function of sunglasses is to make you look good. You look boring when you don't wear them. I wear mine all the time."

Girl: "Yeah, okay."

Guy: " I should take those sunglasses and throw them off the bus right now!"

- 77 Belmont Bus

-- Submitted by DW

Breach of contract

Lady 1: "You think I can sue the lady that just sold me these losers (scratch tickets)?"

Lady 2: "Why?"

Lady 1: "Cause I told her I wanted three $1 winning scratch tickets and I didn't win anything."

- Irving Park and Broadway

-- Submitted by K.R.

Time is on your side

Girl to woman at counter: "The Powerade says July '04. Does that mean it expired?"

Woman: "Uh. It's not July yet."

- Loyola Water Tower Campus

-- Submitted by B

When "no" just doesn't work

Visitor: "Thanks for letting me stay with you. I think I'm going to move up to Chicago soon. I love it here."

"Close" Friend: "No problem. It was cool seeing you."

Visitor: "Do you think you could hook me up with some job contacts when I get here? You seem to know a ton of people and I could totally use your help!"

"Close" Friend: "You barely talk to me for two years after grad school. You only IM or call me when you need something. My wife and I let you stay with us when you come to town. You mess up my house. Sleep til noon. Want to go out during rush hour. Want me to stay up til midnight when I have to work in the morning. Don't clean up after yourself and you're just generally miserable. Why the hell would I help you anymore than I have?"

Visitor: "It was just a question. Jesus."

- Midway Airport

-- Submitted by Nosey Smurf

It's a valid fear

Bulky Guy: "We were talking about people's fears in psych today. It's amazing what some people are afraid of."

Buddy: "Yeah? Like what?"

Bulky Guy: "Some people are afraid of, like, asparagus. How do you fear a vegetable?"

Buddy: "Maybe they were attacked on an asparagus farm as a kid?"

- DePaul Campus

-- Submitted by Farmer Joe

At least you aren't Jenny from 867-5309

Guy: "So how's the new boy toy workin out?"

Girl: "We're cool. We hang out a bunch and things are moving steadily. I'm not looking to rush anything."

Guy: "That's good. What's his name, anyway?"

Girl: "Jesse."

Guy: (singing) "So what's it like to be JESSE'S GIIIIIRL?"

Girl: "Did you wake up retarded?"

- Loyola Campus

-- Submitted by Craisin

Co-dependant much?

Girl: "I can't eat. I can't sleep. It's like he's gotten into my lungs. I can't even breathe anymore."

Friend: "Is it that big of a deal? You've only been going out for a short while."

Girl: "I know. But I really feel it this time. It's like magic. Like he's my knight in shining armor, saving me from this dreary place I call life. Not like those other times. Those were just jokes. I was kidding about them. This guy is FOR REAL.

Friend: "I'm going to go buy chocolate ice cream. This way, when he ends it because you scared him off, you can come straight over."

- Wacker Drive

-- Submitted by Grace

Can you hear me now?

Lady on Cell: "Can you hear me? (pause) Can you hear me now? (pause) Can you hear me now? (pause) What about now?"

Metra Passenger: "Ma'am, what if you moved around a little bit?"

Lady on Cell: "I'M IN A MOVING TRAIN, ASSHOLE! HOW MUCH MORE CAN I MOVE? IT'S PROBABLY HIS DAMN PHONE!"

- Metra South Shore

-- Submitted by Rascal

It's all in the eye of the beholder

(Two friends walking together)

Homeless Lady: (yelling at one girl passing by) "YOU BLACK BITCH!"

Asian Girl: "She just called me black, I'm Asian."

Dumb Blonde Girl: "Wait. You're Asian?"

- Fullerton El Stop

-- Submitted by Leah

PMS?

Woman on cell phone: "You tell that son-of-a-bitch if he ever calls me at 5:10 in the morning again, I'll tie him to my car and drag his ass across the entire city of Chicago. (pause) Love you too, baby. Bye."

- Loop

-- Submitted by Lauren

Hallelujah!

Homeless Guy: "I AM JESUS!"

Passerby: "You are not! How dare you!?"

Homeless Guy: "I AM Jesus! I will be praised. You will thank me for the plentiful bounty that you have received!"

Passerby: "STOP USING THE LORD'S NAME IN VAIN!"

Homeless Guy: "Do not doubt the lord, Jesus Christ, for he is looking for change to get back to heaven!"

- Halsted and Racine

-- Submitted by Luke

I'd love to be one of them!

Downer girl: "Where are you living?"

Enthused Girl: "With four other girls in Wrigleyville. It's right between the two El tracks so it's really cheap."

Downer: "That sucks. It must be really loud."

Enthused: "No, we were in there when the train went by and you could barely... Well, it wasn't that b... Well, it's cheap, so that's good. And we have new windows."

Downer: "But how many bedrooms?"

Enthused: "Four. Two people are going to share."

Downer: "Hate to be one of them."

- Loyola Water Tower Campus

-- Submitted by B

You really should plan for ordinary days.

Employee: "I woke up to my wife throwing up. I put her back to bed, took the baby out of bed, gave her breakfast, made my lunch, got the baby ready, checked on my wife, and made sure she was gonna be okay. I get the baby to daycare and hit the highway. There was an accident on Caldwell, Cicero, and Elston. Everyone had to freaking look around and make sure they didn't know who drove the car. I finally pass the junction and I fly down the highway. From Old Orchard to the junction took my 45 minutes and from the Junction to here took me about 15. It was just a hellacious morning."

Boss: "You still shouldn't have been late. You need to plan for these sorts of events."

- Downtown Office

-- Submitted by Crayon

Sometimes the crazy aren't so crazy

Rambling Man: "... Boys can't get out [drop out] of high school if they want to no more. Now we can't get out of Iran. Black people being held down everywhere. War goin' on and no one knows about it..."

- Red Line

-- Submitted by B

He answered that, didn't he?

(Construction worker with an unlit cigarette in his mouth, working at a church)

Priest: "I'm sorry, sir. This is the third time I've told you not to smoke in the church."

Construction worker: "And this will be the third time I told you I'm not smoking. The thing ain't lit."

Priest: "You wouldn't have a cigarette in your mouth if you didn't intend to smoke it."

Construction worker: "Yeah? You have an asshole, but you don't sit there shtting all day, do you?"

(Note from submitter: Construction worker was removed from the job. Go figure.)

- Church in the South Suburbs

-- Submitted by Jeff M.

Why worry when someone else can fix it?

Irresponsibly Sexually Active College Girl: (mumbles something)

ISACG's Friend: "Man, this is like the 6th time I've had to take you to Unplanned Parenthood!"

Irresponsibly Sexually Active College Girl: "It's called Planned Parenthood, moron."

- Loyola Campus

-- Submitted by B.C. is the way to go

Nothing says class like calling people "ho"

Ghetto chick: "Uh uh. That ho ain't got no class!"

- Blue Line

-- Submitted by R. Smith

Everyone can dream

Construction Worker: "Those actors are getting paid millions of dollars for doing work for a couple months a year. Sometimes, I wish I could get paid that much money just to act."

Older Construction Worker: "I wish I could be a ninja."

- Sears Tower

-- Submitted by V.A.

I thought 'Cleveland rocked'

In-tune Guy: "Did you see the Arbitron ratings? They were crazy. Stern's time slot went froma 4.0 share to a .5 or something. That guy Rover must be brutal!"

Buddy: "I never heard of him. You can't just bring in some dude from Cleveland and expect him to win over a city like Chicago."

In-tune Guy: "He's from Cleveland? The only thing he has in common with people from Chicago is that both are city names start with a C."

Buddy: "And I bet you half of the people there couldn't even tell you that much. Cleveland sucks."

- UIC

-- Submitted by Nora G.

Dirty minds think alike

College Student: "STACY! STACY COME BACK HERE! I NEED YOU TO PUT SOMETHING IN YOUR MOUTH TO TASTE!"

Homeless Guy: "Hell yeah. When she done with you, she can taste mine too."

- Outside of Columbia College

-- Submitted by H.H.

Puppies, puppies everywhere but not a drop to drink

Inquisitive Mind: "...but they're eating puppies. Cute, innocent little puppies. That's pretty barbaric."

Voice of Reason: "You can't really say that. Some people think that our eating innocent cows and chickens is just as barbaric."

Inquisitive Mind: "I guess. But do you think they drink the blood, too?"

- Green Line

-- Submitted by Elaine