Yeah, but those kids won't come wake her up during work.

Girl: "I love this stuff."

Friend: "You drink it every morning and every afternoon. It's way too expensive."

Girl: "No, it's not. Their coffee is awesome and totally gets me going."

Friend: "You could sponsor, like, 80 of those foreign kids for what you spend on Starbuck's every month. "

- Downtown Starbucks

-- Submitted by Cool

Wrong line of work, pal.

Customer: "How's the Italian roast? Is it good?"

Barista: "I hate coffee, but I hear people like it."

- Border's coffee shop

-- Submitted by Next In Line

Not a good way to drum up business

Bum: "Change for charity! Donate here!"

Passerby: "Which charity could you possibly be collecting for?'

Bum: "The charity of myself, fuck you very much."

- Superior and Clark

-- Submitted by Master of the Universe

You should TOTALLY be the GM

Bulls Fan: "I'm telling you: The Bulls should draft that dude from LSU and trade him to Minnesota for Garnett. It works out for both teams."

Pessimist: "You're an idiot. Garnett is a top twenty player and won't go for just one rookie."

Bulls Fan: "Minnesota would be stupid not to do it. This kid from LSU is the next Garnett."

Pessimist: "Then why don't the Bulls draft him and keep him?"

Bulls Fan: "SHUT UP!"

- Wrigley Field

-- Submitted by Take Morrison

It hasn't even been a week.

Passenger: "The pink line is going to kill me! KILL ME!"

Fellow Passenger: "What's the big deal? It's just the blue line with a loop in the loop."

Passenger: "I have to get up nineteen minutes earlier everyday just to make it to work on time."

Fellow: "A WHOLE nineteen minutes? Jesus. That may be grounds for suicide."

- Pink Line

-- Submitted by Raymond

Don't tell Ozzie Guillen

Nerdy Guy: (on cell) "...Yeah, I'm gonna be able to make it tonight. I told you I would. Who are they playing? Milwaukee? Who's coming with? (screeches) YAAAAAY! (pause) Oh my god. That was probably the most feminine I've ever sounded. Tonight I'm going to have to drink 20 beers just to get my manhood back."

- Purple Line

-- Submitted by Rooster

So it's raining?

Dude: (to no one in particular) "DAYUMN! Look at that rain. It's coming down in buckets. And I gots to walk in it! DAYUMN! LOOK AT THE RAIN! Cats and dogs. It's raining real bad. Anyone else see the rain? DAYUMN! It's freaking raining HARD, man. I needs me some golashes. (in tune) It's raining, it's pouring, get the HELL OUT OF HERE FUCKING RAIN!"

- Red Line

-- Submittd by Casey

It won't itch anymore.

Girl #1: "Can you please scratch my back? Please, please, please, please."

Girl #2: "No. Not in public. I'd feel stupid."

Girl #1: "COME ON! I'd do it for you!"

Girl #2: "No."

Girl #1: "I'm going to go scrape my back against the wall until the skin comes off. If I bleed out, it'll be your fault."

- Golf Mill Shopping Center

-- Submitted by T.K.

Insecure much?

Dude #1: "This train still makes me a little uncomfortable."

Dude #2: "Don't be an idiot."

Dude #1: "Don't you think it's a little coincidental that the pink line opened the weekend of the pride parade?"

Dude #2: "They let kids name the damn thing. The letters were posted on the trains for weeks."

Dude #1: "You think those are real? You think it's hard to make that stuff up and have other people write it? Get with it man."

Dude #2: "You seriously need to get a grip. The only pink thing on the train is the sign. It's not like they have dudes giving you a lap dance."

- Pink Line

-- Submitted by City Duster

Quite a dream you realized

Dork: "Do you post there often?"

Geek: "No. I should post more though. It's an awesome messageboard."

Dork: "I thought so, too, until I asked to become a moderator. They shot me down real fast."

Geek: "Why?"

Dork: "I don't know. Said I wasn't qualified. So I started my own messageboard. Now I'm an administrator."

Geek: "Nice."

Dork: "Yeah it is. Now I don't need to pander to moderators. I'm higher up and more powerful than they are."

Geek: (putting up hand for a 'high five') "You're the man!"

- Buffalo Joe's

-- Submitted by Sheila

Seriously, when did this fad start? Is it dead yet?

Teen Guy #1: "...I just think it makes you look more relaxed and open."

Teen Guy #2: "Yeah. Leaving it up gives my neck more room to breath and shit."

Teen Guy #1: "It's just more comfortable. I don't care if popping your collar is trendy, I just think it's a comfort thing."

Teen Eavesdropper: "As long as you don't mind looking like a complete retard while you're 'comfortable.'"

- Green Line

-- Submitted by Ocho

Isn't golf a game of patience?

First Foursome Guy: (Waiting to tee off) "How many guys are in your group?"

Second Foursome Guy: "Well, there's us, and three foursomes ahead of us. We're all together."

First Foursome Guy: "Any of you guys good?"

Second Foursome Guy: "Not really. But we're here for fun. We don't get together much."

First Foursome Guy: "Well, why don't you guys play an all man scramble? That way you won't slow anyone down?"

Second Foursome Guy: "Why don't you play kiss my ass? That way your mouth will be occupied with something other than being an idiot."

- Seven Bridges Golf Club

-- Submitted by Crans

I hope they give it back

Bachelorette: (drunk) "Where? WHERE?! WHERE THE HELL IS HE?!"

"Concerned" Guy: "What's a matter, baby? Who are you looking for?"

Bachelorette: "They took him. They took my Pablo Penis. THEY TOOK MY PABLO PENIS!"

- Coyote Ugly

-- Submitted by Tony

Chicago: We love our pimps

College Guy: (addressing very large, exhuberant fellow train-goer) "Man, you sure are happy. I need whatever you're on."

The Pimp: "The Pimp don't need nothin' to be happy 'cos The Pimp is BIPOLAR! That's right, I said BIIIIIIIIII polar! Say it with me now! BI!"

Train: "Polar!"

The Pimp: "BI!"

Train: "POLAR!"

The Pimp: "That's right now. Only The Pimp do need a ho. Maybe he should get him a white ho."

- Red Line near Lake

-- Submitted by Katie

Or, you know, scissors

Teen Girl #1: "It's only a freakin' Gogurt. How hard could it be?"

Teen Girl #2: "He just couldn't get it open. He tried and tried and tried."

Teen Girl #1: "So what did he do?"

Teen Girl #2: "He took the tube and smashed it against the table. It exploded all over everyone."

Teen Girl #1: "What an asshole!"

Teen Girl #2: "Yeah. But he looks at us and said 'Now we can all share.'"

- Dominick's in Evanston

-- Submitted by Terry

When standing isn't standing

Woman: (running) "HOLD THE ELEVATOR! HOLD THE ELEVATOR!!!!!"

(reaches subway elevator and starts breathing loudly.)

Woman: "Thank you so much. Those damn escalators are too much work."

- State and Jackson Red Line Entrance

-- Submitted by Jimmy Ray

HOBO FIGHT!!!!!

Instigating Passerby: (To Hobo) "Hey, man. That dude is invading your turf."

Hobo: (looking at homeless guy 15 feet away) "Yeah. You right. He taking away my b'ness."

Passerby: "Are you making enough that you can split it with that guy?"

Hobo: "Naw, man. But the economy is rough."

- Canal and Randolph

-- Submitted by Chrissy

Sage advice

Hobo: "Good morning, sir. Good morning ma'am. Good morning folks. Please help and God bless. Good morning everyone. Don't work too hard today. (pause) I take that back. Work hard enough that you don't end up standing next to me saying good morning to strangers."

- Near Wacker and Lake

-- Submitted by Superman

Maybe they're training for the subway marathon.

(Groups of people run off the Metra trains heading to the exits.)

Train rider: "Why do all those people run off the train? Is there some emergency?"

Co-rider: "No. They just cut their train ride as close as possible to when they have to start working."

Train Rider: "Maybe they're just tired."

Co-rider: Maybe they're just lazy."

- Union Station

-- Submitted by Rick

Office camaraderie

Suit: "Stop talking to me. I'm sick of your negative energy and constant needling."

Coworker: "No you're not. If I stopped talking to you, you would be lost."

Suit: "No, I wouldn't. You're constantly bringing me down."

Coworker: "You need me. We're ebb and flow. Yin and Yang. I'm the milk to your cereal buddy."

- 333 W. Wacker

--Submitted by Jerry

Not one for small talk, eh?

Suit: (On cell) "Hello?" "No." "No." "No." "No." "NO!" "I SAID NO!" "NO GOD DAMN IT." "Are you deaf or stupid?" "No. No, No, No, No, No, No, No, No." "Jackass." "Bye."

- Walking down Franklin

-- Submitted by Joshy

Commonplace in Chicago

(Sorority girl walks into restaurant in clothes taht are way too tight. Her belly is showing and it looks like the pants are crawling up her ass.)

Catty Girl: "Look at her! Can't she wear clothes that don't make her look like a fat whore?"

Catty Girl #2: "No. Then she wouldn't get any attention from the ugly boys."

(Sorority girl pulls her pants out of her butt and tries to pull her shirt down.)

Catty Girl: "Keep trying, sweetheart. The only way those clothes will stay that way is if you lose 100 lbs."

Catty Girl #2: "YEEEEEAAAAHH. Bitch."

- Italian Village Restaurant

-- Submitted by Batman

Happy Anniversary, indeed

Husband: "Try this white wine."

Wife: "Fine, but I'm not going to like it."

Husband: "Just try it."

Wife: (sips and gets sour look on her face.) "It's all you buddy."

Husband: "I guess your palate just isn't as delicate and mature as mine."

Wife: "Go to hell."

Husband: "Happy Anniversary, honey."

- The Noodle Cafe in Glenview

-- Submitted by Chlami

Someone's mind is definitely in the gutter

Office Guy: "All I'm saying is that you better be protected."

Office Mate: "I am. Trust me. It's all safe."

Passerby: "You guys carry them with you in the office?"

Office Guy: "What the hell are you talking about?"

Passerby: "Condoms. You're talking about protection right?"

Office Guy: "No, idiot. We're talking about surge protectors for the move. Do you ever wonder why no one talks to you? Stop butting the fck into conversations."

- Leo Burnett Building

-- Submitted by Stew

So you don't like it?

(Guy walks into restaurant with very brightly colored, striped shirt on.)

Waiting in Line Guy: "Holy CRAP! Did you steal that outfit off of a clown? Ray Charles could see that shirt and he's blind AND dead."

- Congress Parkway Panera

-- Submitted by Mikey

It's cheaper than surgery

Teen Girl: "It's just so embarrasing. He's so bald it's shiny."

Friend: "But he's your dad! There's nothing you can do."

Teen Girl: "I've had dreams where I paste his hair back on to his head."

Friend: "With Elmer's Glue? You better hope that stuff dries clear."

Teen Girl: "Is there any other way?"

- Mario Tricocci Downtown

-- Submitted by Headbobber

That's quite a fear

Teen: "No, dude. You're coming."

Friend: "No, dude. I'm not."

Teen: "Yes. You are. We aren't going without you and you'll ruin it for everyone."

Friend: "I don't care. I hate roller coasters and I'm not wasting all that money just to watch you guys."

Teen: "Dude. Sarah is going to be there and so is Tammy. I NEED this."

Friend: "No. I'd rather club and eat baby seals in front of PETA members. It ain't happening."

- Gap at Old Orchard Shopping Center

-- Submitted by Crayola

Common sense, people. Common sense.

Construction Worker: (on cell) "We lost bathroom privilege and now we have to go to a different floor? How does a guy remove cardboard, tape, and a sign off of a toilet and then take a dump? And then he flushed it and flooded two floors? Bullsht, man."

- On the Jobsite

-- Submitted by Z

Worst. Father's. Day. Ever.

Happy Guy: "...I just can't enjoy Father's Day."

Friend: "That's a bummer. Maybe you should change your routine."

Happy Guy: "Naw. I prefer to spend it with my dad. It doesn't matter that he's gone, man. Spending time at his grave site talking is relaxing."

- Green Line

-- Submitted by Geraldo

Swear much?

Business Guy: (On Cell) "That is absofckinglutely incredufckinglistic. You are fcktasticly fcking me in the fcking ass! Bullsht from the start, you fcks have painfckingstakingly reamed my organization and I'm sick and fcking tired of it. Take the deal and shove it. Asshole."

- Walking down Michigan Ave.

-- Submitted by Clue

Showers help

Girl #1: "...totally couldn't believe I was meeting him. It was awesome."

Girl #2: "What was it like?"

Girl #1: "Awful. I was rank. Thought I was going to scare him away from my smell."

Girl #2: "Did you try perfume? Deoderant?"

Girl #1: "Yeah, but you could tell his nostrils were trying to close. It was like he could tell I reaked, but didn't want to say anything."

- Near UIC Campus

-- Submitted by Greg

Easy thing to forget

(Swarm of people wait to cross tracks as Metra starts chugging away)

Brain: "HOLY SHIT! STOP THE TRAIN!"

(Train leaves station)

Brain: "Damn it. I totally forgot I fucking moved."

- Edgebrook Metra Station

-- Submitted by George

Yeah. The parents should be insulted.

(Little boy continuously walks up to table and takes forks and spoons from patrons)

Irritated Guest: "I'm sorry. Could you PLEASE tell your son to stop going to other tables and sit down!"

Great Parent: "Listen, buddy. My kid can express himself however he wants and you aren't going to tell me what to do."

Irritated Guest: "Fine. But when I turn all the knives at the table around and put them within his reach, I don't want to hear complaints."

- Pizzeria Uno's Schaumburg

-- Submitted by Tuna

Worst Father's Day Present Ever.

Mother: "...it was ridiculous."

Friend: "Truly."

Mother: "How does he expect to reconcile if he keeps sleeping with other women and doesn't spend anytime with the kids?"

Friend: "It's a mystery."

Mother: "I'm going to serve him the divorce papers for Father's Day. That'll show him."

- Old Orchard Barnes and Noble

-- Submitted by Cara

Nothing like wasting free education. And using guys.

College Girl #1: "You know how you let a guy buy you drinks all night?"

College Girl #2: "Uh huh."

College Girl #1: "...and he really buys you a crapload of drinks and you realize, just before the next round, how much you can't stand the guy?"

College Girl #2: "Yeah."

College Girl #1: "That's how I feel about UIC."

College Girl #2: "Oh yeah?"

College Girl #1: "It's been paying for me since I got here."

- State and Adams

-- Submitted by MoMo

Especially when you pee

Guy: (on cell) "Look. All I'm saying is that it would be totally different if you had a dick. If you had a dick, your entire perspective would be different."

- Wabash and Jackson

-- Submitted by Flash

Compassion for your fellow man

Platform Attendant: "Hold blue line. Passengers arriving."

Nervous Train Goer: "Hold? HOLD?! FCK THEM! THEY'RE LATE! There's another train coming later!"

(Train message announces doors closing)

Nervous Train Goer: "No one came onto the train! I hope they're caught in the door and their damn arms and legs get chopped off!"

Random Passenger: "You an asshole, man. Relax."

- Blue Line O'hare

-- Submitted by Joe

No better way to start a reunion

(Girl walks briskly away from man)

Man: "Kylie. Wait up. I was only playing."

Girl: "How did you know my n....NOOO WAAAAAYYYYY!!!!!"

Man: "Ha HAAA. I got you! You totally thought I was some weird dude trying to pick you up!"

Girl: "Boy! Why you do that?! I haven't seen you in years!"

Man: "I know! That's why I made the comment about your boobs!"

- Purple Line Belmont Stop

-- Submitted by Chloe

Video games illicit violence? No way.

(Two children, no more than 12 years old.)

Young Kid #1: "Then I ain't playin with you, then."

Young Kid #2: "If I had a gun right now, I'd shoot you right in the fcking face."

- Red Line Wilson Stop

-- Submitted by Katie

Late = Bad. Very Bad.

(Red Line closes doors and starts leaving station. Man bolts up the stairs and starst running after train to no avail.)

Missed Train Guy: "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!! Dear God no! Now I have to take the next one and I'll be 4 minutes 22 seconds late. My boss is going to kill me. Like Alice in Wonderland: 'Off with my head! Off with my heaaaadddd!!!!'"

- Howard Street Station

-- Submitted by Deacon

Someone enroll the man in MENSA

Schizo guy: (talking to himself) "No. No. No. No. No. No. There's no way. It's not possible. IT'S NOT POSSIBLE. It can't be done. No chance. No how."

CTA Employee: "Is everything all right, sir?"

Schizo guy: "It can't be done, lady! It can't. You can't kick your left foot with your left foot. It doesn't bend the right way. Not like clapping with one hand. IT. IS. IMPOSSIBLE!"

- Brown Line Paulina Platform

-- Submitted by Nash

Naw, they just like the same snack food.

(Two customers in a row have totals of $4.21)

Cashier #1 - "That's the third time I've seen $4.21 today! I hope someone's not trying to tell me something."

Cashier #2 - "What?"

Cashier #1 - "4/21 is my ex's birthday. I hope this isn't a sign he's getting up out of prison."

- Walgreens on State and Washington

-- Submitted by Walgreens Shopper

Bad food, worse company; very screwed up adult life to come.

Dad: "I have to go outside. Sit!"

Little Boy: "Why?"

Dad: "Sit! Sit! SIT!"

Boy: (starts crying)

Dad: "SIT! SIT! SIT! SIT!"

Boy: (cries harder)

Dad: (smacks kid hard)

Boy: (cries) (crowd starts gathering)

Dad: (nonchalantly) "Aren't you glad I was nice enough to take you here? Enjoy your dinner, son."

- Downtown Wendy's

-- Submitted by Bob the Blob

Finger Pointers: America's New Species

Married Man: (on cell) "No. They let me go. I don't even know why! Richard never turned in his paperwork to me. Ann never forwarded my calls. Pete didn't come to any of the meetings. Joe really didn't do what he was supposed to and Luis just wasn't around enough to be a real member of the team. (pause) I know. My next position, I should just not be the project manager. It's too much of a headache."

- 333 S. Wabash

-- Submitted by Craisin

Belt clip, anyone?

(Guy starts patting all of his pant and jacket pockets)

Guy: "Utter BULLCRAP!"

Buddy: "What's the matter now?"

Guy: "I lost my phone again! I HATE when I lose my phone!"

Buddy: "Where was the last place you saw it?"

Guy: "I don't remember. This is the 17th phone that I've lost. I need to stick those things to my hands."

- Near Kimball and Belmont

-- Submitted by Greg

It's quite possible to lose faith in humanity. On a daily basis.

(2 girl's scan the magazine racks in Walgreens, then both run down different aisles and end up where the other magazines are kept.)

Woman 1: "Are you looking for People magazine too?"

Woman 2: "Yeah I can't believe it's not out yet. I want to see the baby."

Woman 1 (frantic): "Well Borders opens in ten minutes...I'm making a run for it."

Woman 2: "Good luck. I'm going to get a latte instead."

- Downtown Walgreen's

-- Submitted by Dizzy

Right. Ignite murderous rage instead.

Girl 1: "How come in movies they make love look so easy? I hate it."

Girl 2: "We need to watch movies where everyone dies."

- Art Institute of Chicago

-- Submitted by Leigh

It is a VERY difficult choice

Teen Girl: (on cell) "...and he was sitting there playing some stupid video game on his XBOX or Playstation or whatever. And I was like, 'you better stop playing that game.' (pause) No! He ignored me! So I was all like, 'That's it! Either you stop playing that game or I'm leaving!' (pause) NO! He didn't stop. He didn't even say goodbye. He just played that stupid game. I guess if I want to talk to him, I'll just have to bring a joystick."

- Woodfield Mall

-- Submitted by Jalopy

Yeah, that pretty much puts in perspective

(Standing passenger inadvertantly steps on sitting passengers toe)

Sitting Suit: "OW! What the hell is your problem? I can't believe this!"

Standing Dude: "Whatever. I stepped on your toe on accident. It's not like I raped your wife and killed your dog. Asshole."

- Metra South Shore

-- Submitted by Blue

Yeah. GUYS are shallow...

Girl #1: "So have you seen the new guy that they hired?"

Girl #2: "No. Who? What's his name? Is he cute?"

Girl #1: "I don't remember his name. And I can't really explain what he looked like but he's definitely on the
border of, like, GROSS and SUPER GROSS."

Girl #2: "Gross and super gross? Are you 10?"

Girl #1: "Shut up! He had like a disgusting crater face."

Girl #2: "Oh, ewwwwwwwwwww. Thank god we don't look like that!"

- Old Town

-- Submitted by anna!

For her car. Not the embarrasing kind.

Girl: (answering cellphone) "Hey, how's it going? (pause) Hey, can I call you back? I'm getting gas and talking on a cellphone. I don't want to explode or something. OK, bye."

- Fullerton and Pulaski Gas Station

-- Submitted by B

Angelina is hot in that weird, cyborg kind of way.

NOT Jennifer Aniston: "I want to be Angelina's kid."

MAYBE Jennifer Aniston: "I wouldn't. She's going to grow up wanting to screw both of her parents."

- Brown Line

-- Submitted by Brian

I call Moses!!!

Girl: (stretching her hands on the table) "I'm just like Jesus at the last supper! Who are you guys going to be?"

Other Girl: "I'll be Pontious Pilate!"

Guy: "I'll be Jose!"

- Grand Lux Cafe

-- Submitted by MOM

She just ran out of eggs

Teen Girl 1: "Dude..I feel bad for Bach's second wife. I mean his first wife had like 3 kids, but his second wife had like 20 kids...thats insane!

Girl 2: "Really?They must have been two busy people."

Girl 1: "Seriously. I mean...how could anyone stand being pregnant again and again?"

Girl 2: "Bach probably humped his second wife until she hit menopause."

Girl 1: "Yeah seriously, she must've like hit menopause..I mean she probably had so many kids that her body just stopped. That's like, crazy." (pause) So yeah, that's why I feel bad for his wife."

Girl 2: "Yeah. "

-Metra Stop in Elmwood Park

Submitted by David

Building street cred?

Tough Guy: "No one took me seriously until I did it."

Smart Guy: "But that's stupid. I'm not doing it."

Tough Guy: "It's easy and no one gets hurt. You just get some friends that no one knows and..."

Smart Guy: "I'M NOT GOING TO FAKE ROB SOMEONE JUST TO IMPRESS A FCKING GIRL! Jesus, you're an idiot."

Tough Guy: "I guess you want to stay alone your entire life then."

- Outside of U.S. Cellular Field

-- Submitted by Go Go Sox

Give him a toothbrush for a present

Woman: "There's no way I can work there anymore. It's awful."

Friend: "It can't be that bad. Just spread out your workload more. It's a new job. It takes time to get used to."

Woman: "It's not the work. It's just, my boss..."

Friend: "Is he hot?"

Woman: "NO! His breath smells like he ate a dead skunk. With onions."

- Madison and State

-- Submitted by Kikkoman

This kid is going to be the worm eater

Woman: (on cell) "...I just wish he would stop eating everything from the garbage. He just reaches in there and puts whatever he can grab in his mouth. He probably gets it from his father."

- Green Line

-- Submitted by Jackal

At least Chicago is reading...

Guy: "...but that book seriously sucked."

Girl: "It did not! It was a good, quick read and I enjoyed it a lot!"

Guy: "You enjoy freakin' Dr. Seuss! Your opinion doesn't count."

Girl: "Fck you! My opinion does so count! It was a good book and you're stupid!"

Guy: "I'M stupid?! Btch, if I was a tree and that shlock was printed on paper that came from me, I would sue for emotional stress, pain, and suffering. That sht sucked."

- Purple Line

-- Submitted by Oscar

Then again, maybe we should limit who reads

(group of teens discussing the Diary of Anne Frank)

Guy: "They were in there for two years, but they weren't in the attic the whole time. On the weekends they came down and listened to the radio and stuff."

Girl: "Oh my God! They need to quit complaining. They made it sound like they were stuck in that attic for two years...like 500,000 days, but they were practically free to do whatever they want. People always make shit sound worse than it is."

- Red Line

-- Submitted by Tiffany

Even Hitler?

Homeless Lady: "Can you help me buy something to eat?"

Girl: "Sure." (gives her money)

Homeless Lady: "Wait! Are you Jewish?"

Girl: "Yes."

Homeless Lady: (excited; grabs her arm) "I KNOW a way to resurrect all the people from the holocaust!"

- Dearborn and Madison

-- Submitted by Sophie

That might be a great hotline to start

Guy: (on cell) "Hey, how's it going?"

Guy: "That would be like killing two birds with one stone."

Guy: "Definitely, two for one."

Guy: "We're going to go to war, man. I'll be on the field of battle with you."

Guy: "We definitely have to go for the kill, strike while the iron is hot!"

Guy: "You know how it goes: no good deed goes unpunished."

Guy: "All right buddy. Take it easy."

Passenger on Train: "I'm sorry. Who the hell were you talking to? The cliche hotline?"

- Metra BNSF Railway Line

-- Submitted by Pete

I like to call him George Clooney

Teen girl: "I can't believe that Taylor Hicks guy won."

Boyfriend: "Me either. What a joke. He looks like he is constipated and trying to take a crap. I guess Americans love that kind of stuff. (pause) Maybe I should go audition next year."

- Doctor's Office Waiting Room in Elgin

-- Submitted by Maria

Most people lift weights on their knees

Guy's Friend: "Dude, why don't your knees have any hair on them?"

Guy: "'Cause I'm always on my knees."

Guy's Friend: "What?!?!"

Guy: "Not like that!"

- At the gym

-- Submitted by Elora

Either or, not both

Girl: "...and I went from an Italian last name to a Polish last name."

Guy: "Cool. I'm part Polish."

Girl: "Seriously?"

Guy: "Yeah, half Polish and half German."

Girl: "I thought you were Jewish! Have you been lying all this time?"

- Subway on W. Washington Street

-- Submitted by Jessica

Uh, yeah. We have a ton of those in Chicago. Idiot.

(Tourists on bus going down LSD)

Tourist 1: (pointing to pumping station) "What on Earth is that thing?"

Toursit 2: "I don't know. It looks like a huge oil tanker or something."

Snooty Chicago Know-It-All Guy: "Actually folks. That's a boat house or possibly a yacht. There are plenty of those in Chicago."

- LSD Tour Bus

-- Submitted by Jeremy

A puppy?

Girl: (on cell) "Last night I wish you could have seen your face, because you obviously don't know what it looks like."

- #36 Bus

-- Submitted by Tinkerbell

Stabbing isn't the answer

Flamboyant #1: "So I have a court appearance this weekend."

Flamboyant #2: "Whaaaat!?"

Flamboyant #1: "Yeah I have a court date!"

Flamboyant #3: "What happened!?"

Flamboyant #1: "I stabbed my nephew."

Flamboyant's #2 and #3: "WHAAAT!?"

Flamboyant #1: (sassy) "Yeah I stabbed him."

Flamboyant #2: "Why'd you do that!?"

Flamboyant #1: "He's one of those badass kids, and he tried to get up on me, and, honey, you KNOW I wasn't having any of that. So I told my other nephew to grab a knife, and I stabbed him!"

Flamboyant #2: "Ooooh! You know you shouldn't let your hate get the best of you!"

- Red Line

-- Submitted by MikeChicago

Must have a bad slice.

Golfer: "You know Malone is going to be at the outing, too."

Golfing Buddy: "I'll be sure to crack him in the face with my driver."

Golfer: "Don't waste your driver. Use your 9 iron.

Golfing Buddy: "How about both for that asshole?"

- Chick Evans Golf Course

-- Submitted by Nova

Maybe it was your wife whispering in your ear.

Guy: "The radio in my dream said that women like when you play with them."

- Metra Milwaukee District North Line

-- Submitted by Princess

It's kind of a valid question. Kind of.

Girl: (Getting on bus) "Does this bus go to the City of Chicago?"

- CTA stop on Clark and Armitage

-- Submitted by Sparty

WHAT?! They're a goldmine!

(Cracked out guy waiting in line to pay)

Cashier: "I DON'T DO CRACKHEADS!"

- Walgreens in Hyde Park

-- Submitted by Kenny