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| Friday, March 31, 2006 |
| If you were, you'd be screaming louder. |
(Looking for another manager in a warehouse)
Manager: "JESSE! (pause) JESSE!)
Laborer: "You still haven't found Jesse?"
Manager: "No. Do you think I was screaming his name because I was screwing him?"
- Schaumburg
-- Submitted by R.M. |
posted by Ziggy @ 1:25 PM   Del.icio.us Digg it! |
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| How often does that happen? |
Girl: "...And the cut on my hand keeps throbbing."
Friend: "It's weird. I figure that when my hand throbs, it's healing."
Girl: "But when mine throbs, it pulses BIG TIME. It feels like my heart is in my hand."
Friend: "It's only that strong for me when I cut my ass."
- On the Blue Line
-- Submitted by Barry |
| posted by Ziggy @ 7:57 AM Del.icio.us Digg it! |
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| They are the scariest breed |
Black Dude: "COME AND GET ME! COME AND GET ME!"
Security Guard: "Sir, are you all right?"
Black Dude: "THEY COMIN'! THEY COMIN'! THEY COMIN' TO GET ME!"
Security Guard: "Sir, are you in trouble?"
Black Dude: "Hell yeah! THEY COMIN'! THE POODLES ARE COMIN'!!!"
(Black dude takes off yelling)
- Howard "L" Platform
-- Submitted by Terrell |
| posted by Ziggy @ 7:42 AM Del.icio.us Digg it! |
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| Not talking maybe a better option |
Guy: "When I try to talk clearly I mumble, so I'm trying to mumble more and actually talking clearer."
- At a grocery store
-- Submitted by Dave |
| posted by Ziggy @ 7:41 AM Del.icio.us Digg it! |
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| Thursday, March 30, 2006 |
| That COULD solve the problem |
Manager: (on phone) "No. He was supposed to get it done."
Manager: "Before I went on vacation, I took him down and he said he was going to get it done! I come back and NOTHING is finished!"
Manager: "Look. This has become a disaster and it needs to be fixed. The only way I can see it getting done is getting me, you, and Tom in a room and having a threeway."
Manager: "What? How am I a pervert?"
- Merchandise Mart
-- Submitted by I.K. |
| posted by Ziggy @ 2:19 PM Del.icio.us Digg it! |
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| At least he's covering every color of the rainbow |
(Wasted Haitian guy with a thick, French accent. 1:30 AM)
Haitian: "Look at me, in this sea of white motherfuckers!"
Group: "Uh, we have a black guy and an asian!"
Haitian: "Lemme ask a question. Who here loves a big dick?"
Group: "Ummmmmm..."
Haitian: "Ok, ok, ok, lemme ask another question. Who here loves a small dick?"
Group: (creeped out laugh)
Haitian: "Who is gay up in this motherfucker!?!"
Group: "Um, dude, um..."
Haitian: "You know what I hate about americans? (speech begins slurring) They are all so damn inngorant. Ingerant. Ignorant! Oops! Theres my train!"
- Red Line, Berwyn Stop
-- submitted by C.F. |
| posted by Ziggy @ 1:37 PM Del.icio.us Digg it! |
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| Aren't they supposed to? |
Girl: (To Girlfriend) "Do your sleepovers involve a lot of sex?"
- on Bryn Mawr
-- Submitted by Michael |
| posted by Ziggy @ 11:10 AM Del.icio.us Digg it! |
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| You may be giving adults too much credit |
Man: (mutters something under his breath)
Woman: "Kiss my ass! I ain't no six year old! I've got the same amount of patience as any adult: NONE!"
- Bus stop on Chicago/Franklin
-- Submitted by L |
| posted by Ziggy @ 7:46 AM Del.icio.us Digg it! |
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| Coworkers: Beware |
Boss: "There just isn't enough time in a day to get things done."
Higher Level Employee: "Yeah. I wish the day could be extended so we can get things done before we go home."
Lower Level Employee: "Extended?! Isn't enough time?! I wish the days were 2 hours long and one of those hours was lunch."
Boss: "Yeah? After you finished your daily work, what would you do with the other 50 minutes you had every day?"
- Office near State and Van Buren
-- Submitted by anonymous |
| posted by Ziggy @ 7:29 AM Del.icio.us Digg it! |
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| Fer sher |
Dude 1: "No way!"
Dude 2: "Yes way!"
Dude 1: "No way!"
Dude 2: "YES WAY!"
Dude 1: "No you didn't!"
Dude 2: "Totally. It was the best head I ever got, too!"
- Near UIC Pavilion
-- Submitted by Shmippy |
| posted by Ziggy @ 7:27 AM Del.icio.us Digg it! |
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| Maybe she really does see dead people. |
Woman (to 3 others walking with her): "...and I heard a voice in her head -- a thought. ..."
- In front of Sound Bar
-- Submitted by J.C. |
| posted by Ziggy @ 7:26 AM Del.icio.us Digg it! |
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| Wednesday, March 29, 2006 |
| Baby Steps |
Woman: "I need to quit smoking."
Friend: "You don't smoke that much, do you?"
Woman: "Well, I've gone from 2 packs down to about 7 cigarettes a day."
Friend: "There you go! You're almost there."
Woman: "With cigarettes. I use weed instead."
Friend: "I guess it's better for your lungs. Plus, you're saving on paying that huge cigarette tax!"
- Loyola Campus
-- Submitted by H.D. |
| posted by Ziggy @ 8:14 AM Del.icio.us Digg it! |
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| I didn't know it was a recognized language |
(Women gets bumped by man walking down the street)
Man: "Sorry."
Woman: "Why don't you watch where the hell you're going next time, asshole."
Man: "I'm sorry. I didn't understand you. I don't speak 'bitch'."
- Jackson and Halsted
-- Submitted by UIC dude |
| posted by Ziggy @ 7:49 AM Del.icio.us Digg it! |
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| It's got to warm up somehow |
Tourist 1: "It's way too cold around here."
Tourist 2: "I hear that the weather can change at the blink of an eye in Chicago."
Tourist 1: "I heard that too, but if you blink too much, you could bring in a snowstorm."
Tourist 2: "Or, like, a meteor shower, or something."
- Michigan and Jackson
-- Submitted by Aaron D. |
| posted by Ziggy @ 7:45 AM Del.icio.us Digg it! |
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| It's better than flying on a pink eye |
Black Man: "You going to Fizzy's tonight?"
White Man: "No. Gotta fly to L.A. on a red eye."
Black Man: " look man. They make drops for that.."
- At McDonald's near O'Hare
-- Submitted by Vic |
| posted by Ziggy @ 7:42 AM Del.icio.us Digg it! |
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| Tuesday, March 28, 2006 |
| Cellular Phone Follies |
Girl On Train: (on handsfree set) "blah blah blah. I know, RIGHT? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH! blah blah blah."
Man: "Excuse me, Miss?"
Girl: (on phone) "Hold on." (To man) "What?"
Man: "Can I ask you a quick question?"
Girl: "Uhh...sure."
Man: "SHUT THE HELL UP YOU BLABBER-MOUTHED, INCONSIDERATE MORON!"
- On the Red Line
-- Submitted by Willie |
| posted by Ziggy @ 4:49 PM Del.icio.us Digg it! |
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| Judaism DOES have it's oddities |
Foreign Lady: "You are Jewish, yes?"
Jewish Lady: "Yes."
Foreign Lady: "So we have Sunday like you have Saturday?"
Jewish Lady: "That's right."
Foreign Lady: "Is it true that Jews have to count how many steps they take?"
Jewish Lady: (stunned look)
- Skokie
-- Submitted by Geema |
| posted by Ziggy @ 4:46 PM Del.icio.us Digg it! |
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| Anyone got her number? |
Woman 1: "Man, that girl was druuuuuunk."
Woman 2: "Nah, she's just really free with her sexuality."
- The Chicago Mercantile Exchange
-- Submitted by Eep |
| posted by Ziggy @ 2:32 PM Del.icio.us Digg it! |
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| Wait, This ISN'T A Flea Market? |
(Customer at checkout holding an old plastic, dashboard fan.)
Customer: "Can I trade you this fan for some Red Dog? I'll pay the dif-risses..."
Cashier: "You have to be kidding me."
- CVS on Jackson and Wells
-- Submitted by Armando Villalobos |
| posted by Ziggy @ 7:42 AM Del.icio.us Digg it! |
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| It Was a Memorable Night |
Guy: "I called you for the past four days! Where you been at?"
Woman: "I didn't see no phone calls. Whatchoo wanted?"
Guy: "I went out with Caroline. It was a great night!"
Woman: "When did you go out?"
Guy: "Saturday night. No, Sunday. No, Friday night. Wait. What day is it?"
- Howard Station Platform
-- Submitted by Eric |
| posted by Ziggy @ 7:24 AM Del.icio.us Digg it! |
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| Stay Strong With Your Convictions |
Guy #1: "I'm not drinking today. No way!"
Guy #2: "Me neither."
Guy #1: "I'm sick of getting drunk every night. Man!"
Guy #2: "Me too. (pause) You comin' over tonight?"
Guy #1: "Yeah, after work."
Guy #2: "Bring that bottle of Cuervo."
- Union Station
- Submitted by Susan |
| posted by Ziggy @ 7:22 AM Del.icio.us Digg it! |
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| They Should March The Hell Away From Me |
"Sometimes I just get the urge to do bad things to penguins with a croquet mallet."
- At a local school
-- Submitted by Elora |
| posted by Ziggy @ 7:20 AM Del.icio.us Digg it! |
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| That's Not Coming Back |
(Woman drops her building security card down the elevator shaft)
Woman: "FUUUUUUUCK!!!!"
- Loop Office Building
-- Submitted by Vamp Slayer |
| posted by Ziggy @ 7:15 AM Del.icio.us Digg it! |
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| Monday, March 27, 2006 |
| Mmmm....tasty. |
(Two girls shopping)
First girl: "Don't eat your hair, you'll get lice!"
Second girl: "I'm NOT eating it, I'm just putting it in my mouth. And you can't get lice by eating your own hair."
First girl: "Well, maybe not lice, but tapeworm for sure."
- Jewel in Westchester
-- submitted by Renee O. |
| posted by Ziggy @ 10:35 AM Del.icio.us Digg it! |
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| I need some help |
I need some volunteers who can help me out with something (nothing big.) If you live/work in the Chicagoland area or surrounding suburbs and can help me out, please email me at ziggyk15@yahoo.com or fill out a submission form. I need a hand full of people to assist me.
Z
Please don't forget to visit my sponsors! |
| posted by Ziggy @ 9:57 AM Del.icio.us Digg it! |
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| Homeless People Can Be Funny |
Homeless Man: "Change, please. Change? Change, please."
Disheveled Passerby: "Here you go, bud."
Homeless Man: (fishes coins out of cup and tosses it back at man) "You look like you need it more than I do."
- Clark and Division
-- Submitted by RayRay |
| posted by Ziggy @ 9:41 AM Del.icio.us Digg it! |
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| Did He Enjoy It? |
Black Woman: "You wouldn't believe how hard it was!"
Black Man: "It just takes practice. You just have to keep working at it."
Black Woman: "The hardest part is when you take the glass and just blow. You have to keep blowing and blowing 'til you done."
Black Man: "Awwwww, yeah..."
- On Rush St. |
| posted by Ziggy @ 9:32 AM Del.icio.us Digg it! |
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| Best Spring Break Ever |
Student 1: "How was your spring break?"
Student 2: "I dunno."
Student 1: "What did you end up doing?"
Student 2: "I dunno."
Student 1: "Did you go anywhere special?"
Student 2: "Bars. Lots and lots of bars."
- UIC
-- Submitted by Nora G. |
| posted by Ziggy @ 9:30 AM Del.icio.us Digg it! |
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| Huh? |
Crazy Jamaican grandmother: (to granddaughters) "Eloo chickens! Would you like a cup of tea or lambrusco?
Granddaughter: "eerr... Lambrusco please?"
Grandmother: "Ooooh you better lock the door or the hooligans will get in!!!!"
- Hampshire, England
-- Submitted by Leesa L. |
| posted by Ziggy @ 8:31 AM Del.icio.us Digg it! |
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| I Can't Believe You Lied! |
(Homeless person comes around with a note saying she is deaf/mute and needs money. Passes note to student group.)
Student 1: (waving woman away) "I can't believe she keeps handing out this note! I mean, does anyone buy it?"
(Woman turns to walk away)
Student 2: "Whatever. She's probably full of shit anyway."
Homeless Woman: (turns around) "FUCK ALL Y'ALL!"
- UIC Circle Center
-- Submitted by R.L. |
| posted by Ziggy @ 8:13 AM Del.icio.us Digg it! |
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| Not a Sports Fan, Are You? |
Sports Fan: "I can't BELIEVE the games this weekend. My brackets are all destroyed, but the games were great. George Mason is in the Final Four! Amazing."
Friend: "George Mason? I think I went to school with that guy."
- on the Metra
-- Submitted by Sammy |
| posted by Ziggy @ 7:55 AM Del.icio.us Digg it! |
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| Make Sure You Don't Drink The Water |
Chicagoan: "The trip to Mexico was awful! I mean, the water was absolutely disgusting."
Friend: "Really? I thought it was all hot women and white sand beaches."
Chicagoan: "Me too. But when we got there you could see the raw sewage in the water. I could have saved all that money and just swam in the toilet."
- On the Red Line
-- Submitted by H.G. |
| posted by Ziggy @ 7:49 AM Del.icio.us Digg it! |
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| Sunday, March 26, 2006 |
| I guess EVERYTHING has a holiday |
50 year old guy: "We'd like a bottle of champagne, please."
Server: "Are you guys celebrating an anniversary or birthday?"
50 year old wife: "No, it's Penis Appreciation Day and we're going to celebrate his penis!"
- Omni Hotel Bar
-- Submitted by Emily W. |
| posted by Ziggy @ 10:51 AM Del.icio.us Digg it! |
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| Saturday, March 25, 2006 |
| It's Pronounced Nuculer...Nuculer. |
Nerdy Kid: "I think this train is a nuclear train."
Nerdy Friend: "No way. They only let the special guys ride those."
Nerdy Kid: "NOOO! I'm telling you, it's nuclear!! They have a laboratory on this train!!!"
Mom: "No sweetie. That says lavatory. It's a bathroom."
- On the Metra
-- Submitted by P.J. |
| posted by Ziggy @ 9:46 AM Del.icio.us Digg it! |
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| She Must Get It Wholesale |
Middle-aged Woman: "Girl!! Those cops be racial profilin'. I was in the square and they arrested me for having ten bucks to buy some hurwin (heroin)."
Older Woman: "Girl, you can't buy hurwin for 10 bucks."
Middle-aged Woman: "Sure you can."
Older Woman : "Girl, that some cheap ass hurwin."
- 555 W. Harrison Court House
-- Submitted by Dave MSW |
| posted by Ziggy @ 9:40 AM Del.icio.us Digg it! |
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| I might be joining you soon. |
Homeless Guy: "Please help the needy."
Passerby: "Hey, man. I have a mortgage, which I still owe 140 thousand on. You're doing a lot better than me."
- In Chinatown
-- Submitted by Rick |
| posted by Ziggy @ 9:38 AM Del.icio.us Digg it! |
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| Friday, March 24, 2006 |
| So you just want him to put on glasses and talk nerdy? |
1st Guy: "I might go as Superman or someting like that."
2nd Guy: "I'm not sure. What about Steven Hawking?"
1st Guy: "What the fuck?! Are you fucking crazy!? "He's in a wheel chair you asshole!"
2nd Guy: "No, no. I'm going as Steven Hawking before he was a paraplegic. You know, when he could walk."
- on the bus
-- Submitted by CalCal |
| posted by Ziggy @ 8:06 AM Del.icio.us Digg it! |
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| Where are Maryann and Skipper? |
(A chinese guy with a sailor hat walks in to the bar)
Bartender: "Look, it's Girrigan!"
-Sports Bar in Goleta
-- Submitted by C.Q. |
| posted by Ziggy @ 8:01 AM Del.icio.us Digg it! |
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| They are pretty scary |
Girl 1: "Oh jeeze, I have to close my eyes. Tell me when we get down to the main floor."
Girl 2: "Why's that?"
Girl 1: "I cant stand watching the floors go by. I already feel sick. Are we there yet? "
Girl 2: "Almost I think. Now I feel nauseous too.... whats that smell? It smells fruity."
- 700 North Michigan Ave.
-- Submitted by N |
| posted by Ziggy @ 7:58 AM Del.icio.us Digg it! |
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| Uhm...teacher? |
Boy 1: "Now all I need is a rope and a really strong piece of wood..."
Boy 2: "Yeah, and a chainsaw!"
-At an elementary school
-- Submtited by Cayla |
| posted by Ziggy @ 7:57 AM Del.icio.us Digg it! |
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| I'd love this power! |
1st Little Boy: "...Oh yeah, well everything YOU touch turns to FIRE!!"
2nd Little Boy: "Mooommm!!!"
- Outside of Wegman's
-- Submitted by Savagecabbage |
| posted by Ziggy @ 7:55 AM Del.icio.us Digg it! |
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| You're at the grocery store. |
Employee: "Hello."
Customer: "Do you guys sell printer cartridges?"
Employee: "Yes, sir we do.
Customer: "Ok. Can u remind me what store I'm in?"
-At Compusa
-- Submitted by Alberto |
| posted by Ziggy @ 7:48 AM Del.icio.us Digg it! |
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| This makes me emotional |
(A female student discussing her boyfriend with classmates.)
Hardcore Woman: "A sensitive man, to me, is a bitch."
-On the Depaul Campus
-- Submitted by Jimmy B. |
| posted by Ziggy @ 7:44 AM Del.icio.us Digg it! |
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| Thursday, March 23, 2006 |
| 161 N. Clark Street |
Employee gets coffee from the kitchenette.
Coffee Drinker: (Slurp.) "Ahhhh" (Slurp.) "Ahhhh" (Slurp.) "Ahhh"
Desk Jockey: "Good coffee??"
Coffee Drinker: "Yeah." (Slurp.) "Ahhhhhhh."
Angry Co-Worker: "IF YOU SLURP THAT COFFEE ONE MORE GOD DAMN TIME I'M GOING TO MAKE YOU DRINK IT THROUGH YOU'RE FREAKING EYEBALLS!"
-- Submitted by anonymous |
| posted by Ziggy @ 11:54 AM Del.icio.us Digg it! |
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| Someone Call Dorothy! |
Crazy Guy shouting at passers by: "Help!!! The munchkins are trying to steal my poo nuggets!!"
-On the Green Line
-- Submitted by K from London |
| posted by Ziggy @ 11:52 AM Del.icio.us Digg it! |
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| On the bus |
Teen #1: "You're stupid, man"
Teen #2: "You're stupid! You couldn't even open the fucking door!"
Teen #1: "That door was fucked, yo"
Teen #2: "YOU'RE Fucked!!!"
-- Submitted by J. |
| posted by Ziggy @ 11:50 AM Del.icio.us Digg it! |
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| Jennn--ehhh |
Two homeless guy are sitting on a bench, drinking as a jogger with a huge, brown beard and red shorts crosses the street in front of them.
Bum 1: "RUN FOREST RUUUUN"
Bum 2: "I'd like some chocolates....."
-- Submitted by Sandrine |
| posted by Ziggy @ 11:47 AM Del.icio.us Digg it! |
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| You've Never Had Raw Fish? |
Near Sushi Mora in Southport
Man 1: "Man, I'm hungry."
Man 2: "Let's eat here! It's a great place."
Man 1: "There's no way I'm eating fucking sushi. That's nasty shit!"
Man 3: "Ever gone down on a girl? Sushi is just like pussy."
-- Submitted by Anna |
| posted by Ziggy @ 11:44 AM Del.icio.us Digg it! |
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| Wednesday, March 22, 2006 |
| On North and Clyborn |
Black Guy 1: "...I identify with African American's but my blood line isn't as pure. I have a weird combo."
Black Guy 2: "What do you mean? Either you're black or you ain't."
Black Guy 1: "I'm half, man. I'm half Nigerian and half Irish. I'm a lepracoon."
-- Submitted by M.A. |
| posted by Ziggy @ 10:51 AM Del.icio.us Digg it! |
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| On Clark/Lake |
Guy 1: "So there I was, fighting off this flock of pigeons, man. They were attacking my little neice!"
Guy 2: "Doesn't she know not to panic?"
Guy 1: "Naw, man. She panicked, and those birds were all peckin' at her head. Peck! Peck! Peck!"
-- Submitted by Scott |
| posted by Ziggy @ 8:12 AM Del.icio.us Digg it! |
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| On the Green Line |
(Man stands up on train)
Guy: "Can I have everyone's attention, please? Folks, does anyone want to trade jackets or pants? Let me know."
(Man sits down)
-- Submitted by Stephan L. |
| posted by Ziggy @ 7:56 AM Del.icio.us Digg it! |
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| Tuesday, March 21, 2006 |
| On Kenmore Ave |
(Two men walking down Kenmore Avenue in Edgewater.)
One Guy: (uncomfortably singing) "I've got sunshine, on a cloudy day... when it's cold outside... I've got the month of May..."
Random Guy: (following the two men from twenty feet behind) "Sing, mother fucker! Sing!"
-- Submitted by Thomas L. |
| posted by Ziggy @ 1:08 PM Del.icio.us Digg it! |
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| On a Pace bus |
Man on cell: "I can't believe he swiped it!" "Whatever man. Five finger discount." "So he lost a finger!? It's still called a five finger discount!"
-- Submitted by Leo |
| posted by Ziggy @ 9:16 AM Del.icio.us Digg it! |
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| On the Green Line |
Girl: "It feels like my whole face is twitching. Do you see anything?"
Girl 2: "Nope."
Girl: "Are you for real? It feels like the whole thing is jumping up and down! It's like a seizure in my face."
-- Submitted by Jeff |
| posted by Ziggy @ 9:08 AM Del.icio.us Digg it! |
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| In Chinatown |
Guy: "This place is awesome. I can't think of a better place in the world to get Chinese food."
Friend: "What about China? I'm thinking it's better there."
Guy: "No way. It's way to chinese-ee over there. The americanized version makes it taste better."
-- Submitted by Harv |
| posted by Ziggy @ 9:06 AM Del.icio.us Digg it! |
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| In Oak Park |
Girl: "I've never really understood why I'm always sick. I eat right, I wash my hands, I work out. I do everything I possibly can to avoid germs."
Guy: "Maybe the bacteria is out to get you. They have a vendetta against your family. Did you ever get the mafia virus vaccine?"
Girl: "Ohmygod! I should totally ask my mom!"
-- Submitted by P.K. |
| posted by Ziggy @ 9:03 AM Del.icio.us Digg it! |
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| Monday, March 20, 2006 |
| Site News |
Again, we're tweaking the page to make submitting easier and more convenient. The submission field works, and we're trying to work on the redirection away from the page. So, if you get redirected to a different page, that will be corrected soon. Let me know if any other issues arise. Email me at ziggyk15@yahoo.com.
Z |
| posted by Ziggy @ 10:16 PM Del.icio.us Digg it! |
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| On State and Jackson |
Guy 1: "You ever feel like your head is going to explode?"
Guy 2: "I know what you mean. Work, my girlfriend, trying to figure out where my life is going. It's just rough. She wants to get married, have kids, live the family life. I think I'm ready for it, but I'm not sure. I always think of how to improve myself and gain advantages in life. Usually that means jumping around cities for work and going to the top as fast as possible. I don't know if I can start a family and put all that strain on them."
Guy 1: "I just have a head cold"
-- Submitted by Sam |
| posted by Ziggy @ 2:36 PM Del.icio.us Digg it! |
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| In Winnetka |
Girl 1: "Turning 16 is awesome. I can't wait to get my new car."
Girl 2: "What kind are you getting?"
Girl 1: "I don't know. I'm looking for something big."
Girl 2: "Yeah, bigger cars are safer sometimes."
Girl 1: "Forget safety, I just need room to get my boyfriend in the backseat."
-- Submitted by Steve K. |
| posted by Ziggy @ 1:39 PM Del.icio.us Digg it! |
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| On the UIC Campus |
Student Guy: "I can't believe we're stuck here. Spring break was supposed to be party time! Everyone I know is somewhere getting wasted."
Student Girl: "That's okay. We have each other. I'm not going anywhere."
Student Guy: "Uh, yeah. There's just some pretty big differences when I don't go anywhere."
Student Girl: "Like what? We can get drunk and have fun in Chicago."
Student Guy: "Right. But getting drunk and having fun is a lot different than getting drunk, doing three chicks, hitting a beach, getting more drunk, and then doing three more chicks....all before lunch."
-- submitted by Gary L. |
| posted by Ziggy @ 1:34 PM Del.icio.us Digg it! |
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| On Dearborn |
Girl: "I'm so tired of being confused all the time. I always try to do a million things at once and never complete any of them. I just get so confused I can never keep track of anything!"
Guy: "Well, why don't you try taking on less and operating more efficiently? I think your problem is you just try to do to much at once."
Girl: "I'm sorry, what? I was thinking about a phone call I had to make."
-- Submitted by Jen |
| posted by Ziggy @ 1:25 PM Del.icio.us Digg it! |
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| Sunday, March 19, 2006 |
| On a Bus at the University of Chicago |
(A thin pale student with messy black hair and large round glasses gets on the bus)
Woman on her cell phone: "Oh my god, fucking HARRY POTTER just got on the bus! I'll call you right back!"
-- Submitted by Ed |
| posted by Ziggy @ 4:04 PM Del.icio.us Digg it! |
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| Saturday, March 18, 2006 |
| Pardon the dust |
Pardon the dust: We're making the website look better and adding some fields to make submissions easier!
Z |
| posted by Ziggy @ 9:19 PM Del.icio.us Digg it! |
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| At the Red Line Belmont Stop |
(Drunken army boards train)
1st Drunk Guy: (nonsensical gibberish trying to strike up a conversation with girls)
2nd Drunk Guy: (fake sneeze) "AHHHHHHH shut the fuck up chooooooo"
1st Drunk Guy: "Hey man, what the fuck is your problem?!"
2nd Drunk Guy: "Sorry, I'm just getting over a cold."
1st Drunk Guy: "My bad. Bless you."
-- Submitted by G.W. |
| posted by Ziggy @ 1:09 PM Del.icio.us Digg it! |
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| At a Sports Bar in Burbank |
Sports Fan 1: "I can't believe all the games are so close [in the NCAA tournament.]"
Sports Fan 2: "Yeah, but why was everyone on Oral Roberts bandwagon this year?"
Drunk Guy: "Because everyone wants to go home and get an Oral Roberts from their wife. That bitch."
-- Submitted by Jerry |
| posted by Ziggy @ 11:34 AM Del.icio.us Digg it! |
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| In Little Italy |
Tourist Daughter: "This is little Italy?"
Tourist Mom: "Yup, that's what the guide says."
Tourist Daughter: "Is it shaped like a little boot?"
-- Submitted by Mike |
| posted by Ziggy @ 11:32 AM Del.icio.us Digg it! |
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| Friday, March 17, 2006 |
| In Front of the Marmon Building on Franklin |
(Man trying to hail a cab)
Man: "Why won't any cab stop?! I've been waiting ten minutes!"
Man 2: "Cabs don't stop for two types of people: men and flat-chested women."
-- Submitted by John W. |
| posted by Ziggy @ 12:19 PM Del.icio.us Digg it! |
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| Near the Skokie Swift Station |
Wife: (angrily looking at husband) "You've been really sassy today."
Husband: "Sass this!"
(Turns and passes gas on wife)
-- Submitted by Gary K. |
| posted by Ziggy @ 11:01 AM Del.icio.us Digg it! |
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| In Roscoe Village |
Girl: "They were mean, huh?"
Friend: "What are you talking about, they called me smart!"
Girl: "No they didn't. They were really rude!"
Friend: "They did so call me smart! They said I totally deserve to be a Darwin Award Winner! Darwin was smart!"
-- Submitted by Lisa E. |
| posted by Ziggy @ 8:46 AM Del.icio.us Digg it! |
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| In St. Charles |
Teen: "I'm telling you man, it was the heat of competition. I saw the opportunity and I took it."
Friend: "You broke his nose! It was ridiculous!"
Teen: "I don't know what it was. It was like I was an animal."
Friend: "YOU GUYS WERE SWIMMING!"
-- Submitted by Harry T. |
| posted by Ziggy @ 7:50 AM Del.icio.us Digg it! |
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| In Sauk Village |
Man: "If you can name anything that tastes better than a tomato sandwich, I would love to hear about it."
-- Submitted by G.R. |
| posted by Ziggy @ 7:48 AM Del.icio.us Digg it! |
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| At Jack's Restuarant in Skokie |
Patron: "Excuse me, Miss?"
Waitress: "Yes, sir?"
Patron: "Quick question. What's in the cheddar cheese soup?"
Waitress: "Uh...cheddar cheese."
--Submitted by R.P. |
| posted by Ziggy @ 7:43 AM Del.icio.us Digg it! |
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| Thursday, March 16, 2006 |
| Jackson and Wacker |
Man on Cell: "I can't hear you." "No. I can't hear you! It's snowing!"
-- Submitted by O. P. |
| posted by Ziggy @ 5:37 PM Del.icio.us Digg it! |
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| At a Doctor's Office |
Woman: "I smell glue"
Man: "I hope not!"
Woman: "Then what's that smell?"
Man: "My lunch."
-- Submitted by Chris U. |
| posted by Ziggy @ 12:28 PM Del.icio.us Digg it! |
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| On a Downtown Corner |
Man: "Say foo! He can't be makin' you CD's from the pen. What's the matter with you?"
--Submitted by Chris U. |
| posted by Ziggy @ 11:30 AM Del.icio.us Digg it! |
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| On the 146 bus |
Woman on phone: "Why the hell would you buy mittens? You're a grown man with kids! How is that going to make them feel??"
-- Submitted by J.J. |
| posted by Ziggy @ 11:11 AM Del.icio.us Digg it! |
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| At the Library L Stop |
Teen Tourist 1: "There's no way Chicago is bigger than Houston!"
Teen Tourist 2: "Seriously. It might be taller, but it's definitely not bigger."
Teen Tourist 1: "They have to be taller because that stops the wind from knocking over the shorter buildings."
Teen Tourist 2: "Then why don't the bigger buildings fall over?"
Teen Tourist 1: "I think the top few floors have screens instead of windows so the air can pass by."
--Submitted by Marni J. |
| posted by Ziggy @ 11:07 AM Del.icio.us Digg it! |
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| At City Hall |
Citizen: "Who do I speak to regarding a building permit?"
City Worker: "I don't know."
Citizen: "Well, what floor do I go to?"
City Worker: "Check the directory."
Citizen: "Why do they have an information desk if you don't give out any information?"
City Worker: "I told you to look at the board. Isn't that information?"
-- Submitted by Mark F. |
| posted by Ziggy @ 11:01 AM Del.icio.us Digg it! |
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| Wednesday, March 15, 2006 |
| Mortgages in Wicker Park |
College Gal 1: "I'm having trouble with the bills this month."
College Gal 2: "What are you going to do about it?"
College Gal 1: "I don't know. People use mortgages to pay for houses right? Can I get a mortgage to pay the rent?"
-- Submitted by Al Y. |
| posted by Ziggy @ 9:52 PM Del.icio.us Digg it! |
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| On Lawrence Ave. in Ravenswood |
Thug 1: "You know what I like about weed, man?" Thug 2: "What?" Thug 1: "Smokin' it!"
-- Submitted by Diane S.
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| posted by Ziggy @ 9:46 PM Del.icio.us Digg it! |
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| At a Barbecue over the Summer |
Man: "Close the door so the smoke doesn’t get into the house."
Woman: "Why not just turn the barbeque around so the wind blows it away?"
[Man stares blankly at woman] |
| posted by Ziggy @ 10:49 AM Del.icio.us Digg it! |
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| On the DePaul Campus |
Girl: "I just don't understand what the big deal is about school mascot's. Most of them don't make sense anyway."
Guy: "It's just a way to represent yourself when you go school to school."
Girl: "That doesn't make sense. Look at UIC! What the hell is a flame, anyway?"
Guy: "Something you find in a fire."
Girl: "Shut up."
-- Submitted by D.M.
(Remember to submit things you overheard to ziggyk15@yahoo.com!!!) |
| posted by Ziggy @ 9:24 AM Del.icio.us Digg it! |
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| At a rehab facility in River North |
Physical Therapist: "I'm sorry, I just can't take you today. You're 30 minutes late and I'm booked pretty solid."
Patient: "But I can't come later this week. It wasn't really my fault."
Therapist: "What was the problem?"
Patient: "I had to drop the Cosby kids off at the the pool. They put up a pretty big fight though, so it took longer than anticipated."
Therapist: "Next time tell me you had a flat tire or something."
-- Submitted by J.M. |
| posted by Ziggy @ 8:27 AM Del.icio.us Digg it! |
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| On Van Buren and State |
Homeless Lady: "Please help the homeless."
Man: (Drops change in cup) "Here you go."
Homeless Lady: "Thank you. The homeless of Chicago will benefit."
Man: "You're welcome. Spend it wisely!"
Homeless Lady: "Oh, it's not for me. I take from the rich and give to the poor. I'm like a toothless Robin Hood."
-- Submitted by Robbie |
| posted by Ziggy @ 7:34 AM Del.icio.us Digg it! |
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| On the Green Line |
Woman on Phone: "Yes, I have to go to work." "No, I can't just call in sick because you want me to." "No." "NO." "NO!" "Damn it, Michael. Just because you want to stay home and have sex all day doesn't mean someone doesn't have to pay the damn bills!"
-- Submitted by O.D. |
| posted by Ziggy @ 7:32 AM Del.icio.us Digg it! |
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| Tuesday, March 14, 2006 |
| At the Art Institute |
Woman 1: "OH MY GOD! We HAVE to go to the Art Institute. Look who's there!!!!"
Woman 2: "Girodet? You know who that is?"
Woman 1: "Yeah. It's the chocolate company. They've gotta have chocolate scupltures or something."
Woman 2: "Uh, I think you mean Ghirardelli."
Woman 1: "Isn't that the same thing?"
-- Submitted by G.K. |
| posted by Ziggy @ 2:30 PM Del.icio.us Digg it! |
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| Pop-ups |
Several people have emailed me saying they are receiving pop-ups from this site. Please email me if this is happening to you as well. I have not inserted, nor do I want, any pop-ups eminating from this site.
Thanks,
Z |
| posted by Ziggy @ 9:16 AM Del.icio.us Digg it! |
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| On the Purple Line |
(After an announcement that one door on one car is no longer operating)
Man: "First it's the door. Then it's the seats. Then it's the people. Then we all go 'KABOOM!' and no one cares but my mom. Great. Exactly what all of you want."
-- Submitted by C.R. |
| posted by Ziggy @ 9:03 AM Del.icio.us Digg it! |
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| At the construction site |
Plumber: "We have to shut the bathrooms down on 11 floors for one day. All others will be operational."
Building Manager: "That doesn't give us a lot of time to tell people about it. Can you do the work if we don't shut them down?"
Plumber: "Yeah, but everytime someone flushes a toilet, my guys are going to get a pretty dirty shower."
--Submitted by Ray F. |
| posted by Ziggy @ 9:01 AM Del.icio.us Digg it! |
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| Monday, March 13, 2006 |
| In Morton Grove |
Web guy: "So have you checked out my web site lately?"
Friend: "No, I've had family visiting."
Web Guy: "They take up that much time, eh?"
Friend: "They're from Tennessee. They talk slower so it takes longer to listen to stories."
-- Submitted by Chris U. |
| posted by Ziggy @ 8:41 PM Del.icio.us Digg it! |
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| From a Dr.'s Office (No HIPAA violations present) |
(Patient calls Dr.'s Office)
Dr.'s Assistant: "Dr. xxx's office, can I help y..."
Patient: "shhhhh....they're all around me."
Assistant: "Is it an emergency?"
Patient: "SHHHHH!!! They can hear you!"
Assistant: "Who?"
Patient: "The dust."
-- Submitted by S.W. |
| posted by Ziggy @ 8:10 PM Del.icio.us Digg it! |
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| On a Pace near Halsted and Roosevelt |
(man gets on bus with bright, multi-colored pants)
Woman: "Oh Lawd! You the voodoo child come to hypnotize me with those pants! YOUR PANTS ARE OF THE DEVIL! DON'T SIT NEAR ME SATAN'S SPAWN! YOU GONNA TAKE OVER THE WORLD WITH YOUR HYPNOTIZE PANTS! EVERYONE BEWARE!"
-- Submitted by M.G. |
| posted by Ziggy @ 5:59 PM Del.icio.us Digg it! |
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| At the construction site |
Foreman: "We need some replacement light bulbs for all the burn outs."
Electrician 1: "Okay."
Foreman: "We need them NOW. Get on it"
Electrician 1: "We're out. Do you want me to pull them out of my ass?"
Electrician 2: "You have so many other objects stuck up there, it would be WAY too much trouble."
-- Submitted by F.G. |
| posted by Ziggy @ 1:06 PM Del.icio.us Digg it! |
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| At Border's in Lincoln Park |
Crazy man: (talking out loud to no one) "Well, just look at all these beautiful filaments in this lightbulb called Hell!"
-- Submitted by Joseph H. |
| posted by Ziggy @ 9:21 AM Del.icio.us Digg it! |
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| On Financial Place |
Stock Broker: "Are you kidding me? Do you think I wear ridiculous looking jackets and stupid shirts for my health? The only other people who wear stupid shit like this to work are circus clowns!"
-- submitted by Carol E. |
| posted by Ziggy @ 8:35 AM Del.icio.us Digg it! |
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| On the Purple Line |
(Man and woman board together)
Woman: "I'm going to stand today."
Man: "Every day you bitch and moan about people not giving up seats for you. Today there are 15 seats open and you stand. What the hell is your problem?"
Woman: "I just feel like standing today is all."
Man: "Well, I just feel like cracking you across the knees with a lead pipe."
-- submitted by John |
| posted by Ziggy @ 7:39 AM Del.icio.us Digg it! |
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| On the Skokie Swift |
Conductor: "Let's go! All aboard! I have a student training today! Your lives are at enough risk without us being late."
-- Submitted by Keiko X. |
| posted by Ziggy @ 7:27 AM Del.icio.us Digg it! |
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| Saturday, March 11, 2006 |
| On the Red Line |
Lady on cell phone: "I'm going to have to hang up right now because it's hard for me to talk and eat at the same time. I can't multi-task that well. Can you call me back during dinner?"
-- Submitted by Andrew H.
(Remember to submit posts by emailing me at ziggyk15@yahoo.com.) |
| posted by Ziggy @ 3:51 PM Del.icio.us Digg it! |
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| At the Apple Store on Michigan Ave. |
Lady (to her companion): "I'm not pessimistic, but you're a jackass!"
-- Submitted by Amy F. |
| posted by Ziggy @ 3:49 PM Del.icio.us Digg it! |
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| Somwhere in the city |
Man: "Dude, I am SO jonesin' for a Prius."
-- Submitted by Mike B. |
| posted by Ziggy @ 3:47 PM Del.icio.us Digg it! |
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| Friday, March 10, 2006 |
| Across from the Lyric |
Friend at bar: "Oooo! What's that?"
Bartender: "Lemon drop martini"
Friend at bar: "Can I get that with Splenda?"
-- Submitted by Heidi J. |
| posted by Ziggy @ 2:41 PM Del.icio.us Digg it! |
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| At the Mexican Rally on Adams and Dearborn |
(Hundreds of people waving Mexican flags)
Bike Messenger: "What's going on over there?"
Onlooker: "I think it's a lawn mower sale."
--Submitted by Zach B. |
| posted by Ziggy @ 1:56 PM Del.icio.us Digg it! |
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| After a failed business meeting |
Sales guy (to co-salesperson): "How the hell do you come to a presentation and forget to bring the right files? That's like going to a whorehouse and forgetting your dick!"
-- Submitted by Tony S. |
| posted by Ziggy @ 12:09 PM Del.icio.us Digg it! |
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| In a downstate restaurant |
Girl: "I just had a guy at one of my tables give me his business card and said that he may have a job for me."
Me: "Yeah? I bet you get your own webcam and everything."
Girl: ( starts walking away) "I don't really like technology."
-- Submitted by Sam W. |
| posted by Ziggy @ 9:24 AM Del.icio.us Digg it! |
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| North & Clybourn Red Line Stop |
Bum: "Can you help me?"
Guy: "No."
Bum: "You look Jewish."
Guy: "No, I'm Atheist actually."
Bum: "Oh, so that's why you won't help me."
-- Submitted by anonymous |
| posted by Ziggy @ 9:10 AM Del.icio.us Digg it! |
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| In front of the Sears Tower |
Homeless Man: "Please help the hungry."
(woman hands man a sandwich)
Homeless Man: "Thank you very much...wait, is this a ham sandwich? How do you know I'm not a practicing Jew?"
-- Submitted by Leonard M. |
| posted by Ziggy @ 8:20 AM Del.icio.us Digg it! |
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| Said in the bedroom |
Husband: "Wait, wait. Let me move the pillows before you put your vagina on my forehead."
-- Submitted by Wanda S. |
| posted by Ziggy @ 7:46 AM Del.icio.us Digg it! |
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| On the Green Line |
(Man sleeping and snoring loudly)
Large Black Lady: "Somebody better shut him up before I lose my mind."
(No one moves)
LBL: "GOD DAMN IT! STOP YOUR GOD DAMN SNORING BEFORE I HIT YOU UPSIDE THE HEAD WITH MY BAG!"
-- Submitted by Javon L. |
| posted by Ziggy @ 7:44 AM Del.icio.us Digg it! |
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| At Union Station |
(Walking behind a gawking, slow-moving Asian couple)
Man: "Yeah,yeah. Ching chong ching chong. Hurry the fuck up!"
-- submitted by Jon P. |
| posted by Ziggy @ 7:40 AM Del.icio.us Digg it! |
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| Thursday, March 09, 2006 |
| In a downtown office elevator |
Guy (to another guy in the elevator): "I can't make it tonight, but you should totally go. And cum on that girl's face while you're there."
-- Submitted by Jake D. |
| posted by Ziggy @ 5:30 PM Del.icio.us Digg it! |
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| On the South Shore |
Lady On Cell: "Hi sweetie, how was school?"(listening) "What do you mean you lost your pants?"
--Submitted by Ray M. |
| posted by Ziggy @ 5:28 PM Del.icio.us Digg it! |
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| Subway Restaurant on E. Jackson |
Sandwich Maker: "What can I get for you?"
Customer: "What's the biggest sub you offer?"
Sandwich Maker: "We have 6" and 12" subs."
Customer: "Can I get an 18" sub?"
-- submitted by Al E. |
| posted by Ziggy @ 1:37 PM Del.icio.us Digg it! |
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| State and Randolph |
Grandma: "Sweetie, I'm tired. Hold on one second."
6 year old grandaughter: "Gramma, we have to keep going, grampa said so."
Grandma: "What do you mean 'grampa said so?'"
Grandaughter: "Grampa told me we should walk to the store because you're fat, but I'm not supposed to tell you."
-- Submmitted by Grant P. |
| posted by Ziggy @ 11:43 AM Del.icio.us Digg it! |
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| Lake and Dearborn |
Salesman 1: "That's the 7th meeting you've been late to. I'm sick and tired of covering for you!"
Salesman 2: "I'm sorry. It's not my intention to be late I jus..."
Salesman 1: "But then when you come to the meeting, you don't add anything! I'm pulling these sales by myself!! I've made you so much money I should be driving your car and banging your wife!"
-- Submitted by Rick K. |
| posted by Ziggy @ 11:30 AM Del.icio.us Digg it! |
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| At the University of Chicago |
Guy: "I realize you're an economist, but as a human being don't you have any morals?"
-- Submitted by Lauren |
| posted by Ziggy @ 10:53 AM Del.icio.us Digg it! |
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| At Denny's at 1:30 AM |
Man #1: (Mumbles) "I've gut syrup in my mustache..."
Man #2: (Laughs hard, then coughs) "Goddammit! You mad me snarf an onion ring!"
Man #1: ''What?"
Man #2: ''I've got fucking breading in my sinus cavity!''
--Submitted by Marty J. |
| posted by Ziggy @ 10:49 AM Del.icio.us Digg it! |
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| Wednesday, March 08, 2006 |
| Gallery District - Starbuck's |
Coffee Drinker: "Man, you are such a pessimist! Not only is your glass half empty, but what's in it is piss and vinegar!!"
-- Submitted by Lisa G. |
| posted by Ziggy @ 9:55 PM Del.icio.us Digg it! |
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| At the construction site |
(After being caught smoking on the job site, the worker throws his cigarette on the floor and steps on it, trying to hide it.)
Supervisor: "Are you smoking?"
Worker: "No."
Supervisor: "Then why is there smoke coming out from under your work boot?"
Worker: "I was working in a 'hot area' and my shoe started melting."
--submitted by Kevin A. |
| posted by Ziggy @ 3:21 PM Del.icio.us Digg it! |
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| 79th Red Line Stop |
(After some small talk)
Man: "Girl you so fine."
Girl: (puzzled look)
Man: "You know, they call me cake because I'm so chocolatey sweet."
Girl: "They should call you bread because you smell like you just pinched a loaf."
-- Submitted by Darnell F. |
| posted by Ziggy @ 12:14 PM Del.icio.us Digg it! |
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| Near the State of Illinois Building |
Girl 1: "I wish Chicago had palm trees like L.A."
Girl 2: "The weather here would kill them every winter."
Girl 1: "Well, isn't there a way to warm up certain streets?"
-- Submitted by Shirley |
| posted by Ziggy @ 11:35 AM Del.icio.us Digg it! |
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| Walking down Michigan |
Woman: "I seriously can't stand blue cars. Why would anyone buy them? Blueberries on frickin' wheels. That's all they are. "
-- Submitted by Jim H. |
| posted by Ziggy @ 9:32 AM Del.icio.us Digg it! |
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| Near Diversey and Southport |
Man: "...it was seriously one of the funniest stories I've heard. I was laughing out loud and rolling around on the floor."
Friend: "What kind of AIM world are you living in? Did you throw in some smiley faces for good measure?"
--Submitted by John T. |
| posted by Ziggy @ 9:26 AM Del.icio.us Digg it! |
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| On Clark and Lake |
Suit: "No. We're not going back to Cosi's. I'm sick and tired of Cosi's. If we go to Cosi's I'm going to blow your god damn head off. FUCK YOU AND FUCK COSI'S. Fuck."
-- Submitted by D.H. |
| posted by Ziggy @ 7:47 AM Del.icio.us Digg it! |
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| In Evanston |
Woman on phone: "I gained way too much weight. I'm never going to fit in a bathing suit this summer."
Passerby (loudly): "Whales don't wear bathing suits! They may obstruct the blowhole!"
--Submtited by Clarence W. |
| posted by Ziggy @ 7:14 AM Del.icio.us Digg it! |
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| At Chicago L Station |
Man on Cell: "Well, you tell him not to eat his balls when he plays with them!"
-- Submitted by Stefan Y. |
| posted by Ziggy @ 7:13 AM Del.icio.us Digg it! |
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| Bar in Lincoln Park |
Girl 1: "I can't believe you didn't wear a condom."
Girl 2: "How was I supposed to know you can get herpes when they aren't having an outbreak?"
--Submitted by anonymous |
| posted by Ziggy @ 6:50 AM Del.icio.us Digg it! |
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| Tuesday, March 07, 2006 |
| On The Red Line |
(Announcement over PA)
Girl on Cell: "DAYUMN Jamal! I can't hear whatchoo sayin' with this bullshit noise. SOMEBODY SHUT THAT SHIT OFF!"
(10 second announcement ends)
Girl: "That's right, mother fucker."
--Submitted by Earl A. |
| posted by Ziggy @ 4:31 PM Del.icio.us Digg it! |
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| At the Old Orchard Shopping Center Parking Lot |
(After getting a parking space "stolen" from him)
Old man: (yelling out window) "You know, in my day, young people had respect for their elders!"
Young guy: "Yeah? Well in your day they used condoms made of rock. Things change"
-- Submitted by Lance K. |
| posted by Ziggy @ 4:29 PM Del.icio.us Digg it! |
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| Purple Line |
(Father with his daughter on the train)
Daughter: "When we get home can mama read me a book?"
Father: "Why can't I read you a book?"
Daughter: "You never read to me. Mommy says it's 'cause you're retarded."
--Submitted by Marcus L. |
| posted by Ziggy @ 3:03 PM Del.icio.us Digg it! |
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| On the Blue Line |
Man: (mumbles to door)
Man: (mumbles to door, but a little louder)
Man: (points at door as he mumbles, but words are still not coherent)
Man: "GOD DAMN IT I HATE THOSE GOD DAMN HIPPIES!"
-- Submitted by Eric Q. |
| posted by Ziggy @ 2:57 PM Del.icio.us Digg it! |
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| Kids are awesome |
Teacher: "And how was your weekend Tommy?"
Tommy: "Good. During the snow my dad and I went out and built a snowman and a fort and threw snowballs at each other."
Teacher: "That must have been fun!"
Tommy: "Yeah, then my dad got a phone call and said (on the phone) he was going in soon for a beer and a blowjob. "
-- Submitted by Teacher J. |
| posted by Ziggy @ 2:37 PM Del.icio.us Digg it! |
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| The L platform at Belmont |
College Student 1: "Don't you have a problem with Bush and the NSA invading your privacy? They're taking away your rights!"
College Student 2: "Unless phone sex and porn are illegal, they've got nothing on me."
-- submitted by anonymous |
| posted by Ziggy @ 2:17 PM Del.icio.us Digg it! |
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| On the Brown Line |
Man flirting with woman: "Yeah, I'm a rapper and a gospel singer. I also have my own recording label with 15 artists. I'm in talks to merge with some of the 'big time' labels and then everything will really take off."
Woman: (puzzled look) "Then why are you in a security guard uniform waiting for the brown line at 6 in the morning?"
Man: "It's to keep up a front. Make me remember the common man"
-- Submitted by Jack R. |
| posted by Ziggy @ 1:23 PM Del.icio.us Digg it! |
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| Near Recreation Drive |
Man: "The water is beautiful, even when it's cold out, huh?"
Woman: "Until you think of all the dead fish, garbage, and waste that gets dumped into it everyday. Otherwise, yeah, it's pretty. Oh, and all the fish shit."
-- Submitted by Sara L. |
| posted by Ziggy @ 1:17 PM Del.icio.us Digg it! |
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| At a construction progress meeting |
Engineer 1: "We're going to have to replace some of the valves."
Manager: "What's wrong with the old valves?"
Engineer 2: "They're old cock and ball valves and they just don't get up and down like they used to.
--Submitted by Steve P. |
| posted by Ziggy @ 11:55 AM Del.icio.us Digg it! |
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| Near the Sedgwick L Stop |
Girl: "He keeps asking me out. I don't know what to tell him anymore"
Friend: "Just tell him you have AIDS. That should shut him up real quick."
-- Submitted by Isaac P. |
| posted by Ziggy @ 9:51 AM Del.icio.us Digg it! |
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| Fullerton L Stop |
Girl: "...and she was just laying there, letting him plow her. No way would I let a guy do that to me."
-- submitted by anonymous |
| posted by Ziggy @ 9:42 AM Del.icio.us Digg it! |
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| Monday, March 06, 2006 |
| I thought Ikea was okay. |
(At Ikea)
Young Boy: "Dad? Why are all these people talking in a weird language??"
Dad: "Son, this is where all the Russian, German, and foreign people shop because they cannot find the stuff they want at Kohl's."
-- Submitted by Jon C. |
| posted by Ziggy @ 10:08 PM Del.icio.us Digg it! |
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| Why does this sound familiar? |
Husband: "Why haven't you had your oil changed?"
Wife: "I didn't know it needed it. I thought a sound or light was supposed to go on when it needed one."
Husband: "IT'S A CAR, NOT A DAMN GAME SHOW!"
--Submitted by John M. |
| posted by Ziggy @ 5:32 PM Del.icio.us Digg it! |
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| Should Be Obvious. (On the UIC Campus) |
Girl: I'm so tired of having abortions!!
Guy: You know, there's an easy way to fix that.
-Submitted by Sam G. |
| posted by Ziggy @ 5:00 PM Del.icio.us Digg it! |
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| On the Brown Line |
Girl 1: "Hey there."
Girl 2: "Hi...What happened to your face?"
Girl 1: "I got bit by a dog over the weekend." (Has stitches around mouth and chin)
Girl 2: "What happened? Did you know the dog?"
Girl 1: "It was totally a freak accident. I was hugging and kissing this unknown dog and, next thing I know, I'm in the emergency room."
-- Submitted by Daniel J. |
| posted by Ziggy @ 1:47 PM Del.icio.us Digg it! |
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| Ah! Monday Morning on the Brown Line |
Crazy Guy: (repeatedly yelling) "I'm taking over! I'm taking over!"
Train passengers: (uncomfortable silence for a minute)
Crazy Guy: "That wasn't much of a take over."
-- Submitted by William B. |
| posted by Ziggy @ 1:23 PM Del.icio.us Digg it! |
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| Monroe between Dearborn and State |
Woman on Cell Phone: "Oh my God. You've got to be kidding. It's in Bordeaux and it's ONLY a thousand dollars a week?!"
-- Submitted by Peter S. |
| posted by Ziggy @ 12:34 PM Del.icio.us Digg it! |
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| Near South Shore Station on Michigan and Randolph |
(Walking behind tourists, talking to her friend)
Woman: God! I HATE TOURISTS! It's like being in a herd of stupid cattle! Makes you want to get a cattle prod and just ZAP! ZAP! ZAP! Get the fuck out the way!
-- Submitted by Lisa G. |
| posted by Ziggy @ 12:22 PM Del.icio.us Digg it! |
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| Gotta love kindergarteners. |
(Billy just threw a block at Johnny's head)
Teacher: "Billy, why did you do that?"
Billy: "He's playing with dolls!"
Teacher: "Johnny is allowed to play with whatever he wants."
Billy: "Dad said sissies get no mercy."
-- Submitted by Teacher Mary |
| posted by Ziggy @ 12:16 PM Del.icio.us Digg it! |
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| On the route 147 bus |
Tim: "...To fix some of my car's smaller dents, I was using this stuff called Bondo. Bondo is a little tricky and you have to be careful not to put any in your..."
Interrupting Friend: "...in your butt?!"
Other Friend: "Yeah. Whatever you do, don't put the Bondo in your butt."
-- Submitted by Chris H. |
| posted by Ziggy @ 10:30 AM Del.icio.us Digg it! |
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| Interesting Selling Approach |
Salesman 1: "We have a new client coming in and I don't know much about her. Who wants to take her on?"
Salesman 2: "I'll do it. I'm pretty good at feeling up new clients."
-Submitted by Art V. |
| posted by Ziggy @ 9:18 AM Del.icio.us Digg it! |
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| But the other one is for my slush fund! |
Fat Guy: ...I told you: I only have ONE credit card!
Fat Lady: Then let me see it!
Fat Guy: Which one?...Oh...shit.
-- Submitted by Fitzpatrick |
| posted by Ziggy @ 8:30 AM Del.icio.us Digg it! |
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| I need a bit of help |
From Ziggy,
If anyone has website knowledge and can help me with something, please email me. I'm trying to add something to the site and am at a loss for how to find it.
Ziggyk15@yahoo.com
And remember, email me what you heard over the weekend and I'll gladly put it up! Clicking a couple ads would also be a huge help. Thanks everyone! |
| posted by Ziggy @ 8:27 AM Del.icio.us Digg it! |
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| Oh, Northwestern! |
College Guy: ...I can't believe she got mugged. It was right near campus, too.
Dorky Friend: Those guys are lucky I wasn' there. I would have finished them!
College Guy: Who are you? Raiden? You can't use mana around here.
-- submitted by Trets |
| posted by Ziggy @ 8:23 AM Del.icio.us Digg it! |
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| On Jackson/Halsted |
College Guy: I'm so friggin hungry. Let's get some food.
Buddy: You want to go to one of these Greektown places?
College Guy: I said I want to eat, not get my stomach pumped.
-- submitted by Carl C. |
| posted by Ziggy @ 7:50 AM Del.icio.us Digg it! |
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| NASCAR is intricate. |
Worker : Daytona was awesome. I have to go to the Daytona 500 every year from now on!
Female Co-Worker: My husband says that all NASCAR drivers do is go around ina circle a whole lot. Don't they get dizzy?
-- submitted by Rick D. |
| posted by Ziggy @ 7:46 AM Del.icio.us Digg it! |
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| Saturday, March 04, 2006 |
| First time playing? |
Host: "Did you remember to bring the chips?"
Girlfriend: "I didn't know we were supposed to go shopping."
Boyfriend: "We're playing poker, [g/f], not feeding the animals."
-- Submitted by John N. |
| posted by Ziggy @ 9:44 PM Del.icio.us Digg it! |
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| In the North Burbs |
Redhead: "Now I understand what anal leakage is about."
-- Submitted by Jer S. |
| posted by Ziggy @ 9:26 AM Del.icio.us Digg it! |
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| Friday, March 03, 2006 |
| South Side |
Guy 1: "I swear, it's like he pulled a rabbit out of his ass."
Guy 2: "You mean a rabbit out of his hat."
Guy 1: "Who cares where the rabbit came from? It was cool as hell."
-- submitted by Harry D. |
| posted by Ziggy @ 5:08 PM Del.icio.us Digg it! |
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| Ash Wednesday |
Girl: "...and have you noticed all the people with dirt on their heads? What the hell is that?"
Friend: "It's Ash Wednesday. It's supposed to be a cross, I think."
Girl: "Oh. Well, I'm happy to be Jewish then. The worst we suffer through is gefilte fish and matzah."
-- Submitted by Don T. |
| posted by Ziggy @ 11:04 AM Del.icio.us Digg it! |
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| Someone call a doctor.... |
Cell Phone Guy: "Who was it that told you to stick the figures in your ass??"
-- Submitted by M.S. |
| posted by Ziggy @ 9:55 AM Del.icio.us Digg it! |
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| Streetwise! |
Streetwise Vendor: "Help the homeless! Streetwise here"
Man who just gave him change: "Can I have the paper now?"
Streetwise Vendor: "You mean you actually want to read this thing??"
-- Submitted by Ryan C. |
| posted by Ziggy @ 9:18 AM Del.icio.us Digg it! |
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| Monroe and Wabash |
(Passing a homeless man without legs)
Frat Boy: "Hold on guys, I want to give Lt. Dan here a couple nickels."
Drops change into cup.
Frat Boy: "Here, maybe now you can afford new legs. NEW LEGS!"
-- Submitted by Sammy L. |
| posted by Ziggy @ 9:15 AM Del.icio.us Digg it! |
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| In the office |
Worker: "Hey Jessica, did I get any messages?"
Secretary: "A ton. I've been trying to nail you all day."
-- Submitted by Gary J. |
| posted by Ziggy @ 9:11 AM Del.icio.us Digg it! |
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| Thursday, March 02, 2006 |
| Franklin and Lake |
Lady on phone: "Damn it Jack! Stop referencing the Simpson's every time we have a friggin' problem!"
-- Submitted by Samantha J. |
| posted by Ziggy @ 9:38 PM Del.icio.us Digg it! |
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| On Jackson and State |
Guy on phone: "If this gets any crazier, I'm going to shave my head, cut off my balls, and walk around in white nikes"
-- Submitted by Randy Z. |
| posted by Ziggy @ 9:37 PM Del.icio.us Digg it! |
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| In the Signature Room at the Hancock |
Tourist looking out the window: Which one is the Sears Tower?
-- Submitted by Kate R. |
| posted by Ziggy @ 9:26 PM Del.icio.us Digg it! |
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| At a barbershop on Montrose |
(After arguing with another barber in another language)
Barber, staring angrily at other barber: "After I finish with my customer, I'll SHOW YOU who's Assyrian, mother fucker!"
-- Submitted by Bernard B. |
| posted by Ziggy @ 9:20 PM Del.icio.us Digg it! |
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| It's not the size of the wave, it's the motion of the ocean |
(Said by a friend who's last name is Fung)
Fung: "I've been called a lot of things in my life, except Hung, and I'm happy I'm not."
-- Submitted by Paul S. |
| posted by Ziggy @ 3:21 PM Del.icio.us Digg it! |
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| Mmm...free samples! |
Quaker Gal: Would you like to try a breakfast cookie?
Nice Guy: Not if yours tastes as shitty as the last one I had.
-- Submitted by Michael |
| posted by Ziggy @ 10:52 AM Del.icio.us Digg it! |
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| Kids say the darndest things. |
(During a "What does your dad do" presentation)
Exec Dad: ...And what I focus on is trading stocks and bonds. Yes, question?
Smart Kid: What kind of players do you get for Bonds?
-- Submitted by Teacher Rachel |
| posted by Ziggy @ 10:49 AM Del.icio.us Digg it! |
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| On the Metra |
Woman on phone: I don't know what it is. My clothes just feel baggy. I think my tits deflated overnight.
-- Submitted by anonymous |
| posted by Ziggy @ 10:39 AM Del.icio.us Digg it! |
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| Wednesday, March 01, 2006 |
| Women are sensitive |
Guy: No, I seriously thought she was pregnant.
Girl: She wasn't? What did you say?
Guy: I asked her how she got so fat. That's how I got the black eye.
-- Submitted by Craig T. |
| posted by Ziggy @ 8:38 PM Del.icio.us Digg it! |
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| Maybe you should have thought of that ahead of time? |
Girl: You can't be for real!! The wedding is in three weeks and eveything is paid for.
Guy: I'm sorry. There's really nothing I can do.
Girl: Couldn't you have figured out you were gay BEFORE we got engaged?!
-- Submitted by Jesse C. |
| posted by Ziggy @ 1:17 PM Del.icio.us Digg it! |
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| I love you, son. |
Worker Bee (on the phone): You can't become a genius if you were born stupid!
-- Submitted by Scott D. |
| posted by Ziggy @ 10:56 AM Del.icio.us Digg it! |
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| On State and Jackson |
Guy: I just got DirectTV with Tivo.
Friend: When did you get a new roommate? And what kind of name is Tivo?
-- Submitted by Clarence F. |
| posted by Ziggy @ 10:20 AM Del.icio.us Digg it! |
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| Thanks Collegehumor! |
Thanks to www.Collegehumor.com for linking to my site! I've received over 16,000 hits in only 4 days!
Please submit your overheards to me at ziggyk15@yahoo.com and if you could, click on an ad or two for me. My one year old daughter would appreciate it! Thanks and keep checking in! |
| posted by Ziggy @ 7:45 AM Del.icio.us Digg it! |
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| While watching a UConn basketball game |
(After watching Rudy Gay, who plays for Uconn, drive and score)
Sports Fan 1: Man, I love when that Gay dude penetrates!
-- Submitted by Aaron M. |
| posted by Ziggy @ 7:43 AM Del.icio.us Digg it! |
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| While having sex in a car at a public park |
Shagging Girl: What are you laughing about?
Guy: The guy walking his dog, staring at us.
-- Submitted by anonymous |
| posted by Ziggy @ 7:42 AM Del.icio.us Digg it! |
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| Waiting in line for a Broadway show |
Girl 1: It says here that South Pacific is the seconds longest running show on Broadway!
Sarcastic Friend: Oh? That means it's pretty long.
Girl 1: Seriously.
-- Submitted by Jennifer B. |
| posted by Ziggy @ 7:39 AM Del.icio.us Digg it! |
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| At the Art Institute |
Art Enthusiast 1 (looking at painting): He really liked colors, didn't he?
Art Enthusiast 2: Most painters do.
-- Submitted by Adam J. |
| posted by Ziggy @ 7:37 AM Del.icio.us Digg it! |
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| By submitting a dialogue to this web site, you are granting the site an unlimited right to republish the dialogue in any online or printed form. This right is semi-exclusive, retained also by the eavesdropper and the speakers of the dialogue. |
| About Me |
Name: Ziggy
Home: Morton Grove, Illinois, United States
About Me:
See my complete profile
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