If you were, you'd be screaming louder.

(Looking for another manager in a warehouse)

Manager: "JESSE! (pause) JESSE!)

Laborer: "You still haven't found Jesse?"

Manager: "No. Do you think I was screaming his name because I was screwing him?"

- Schaumburg

-- Submitted by R.M.

How often does that happen?

Girl: "...And the cut on my hand keeps throbbing."

Friend: "It's weird. I figure that when my hand throbs, it's healing."

Girl: "But when mine throbs, it pulses BIG TIME. It feels like my heart is in my hand."

Friend: "It's only that strong for me when I cut my ass."

- On the Blue Line

-- Submitted by Barry

They are the scariest breed

Black Dude: "COME AND GET ME! COME AND GET ME!"

Security Guard: "Sir, are you all right?"

Black Dude: "THEY COMIN'! THEY COMIN'! THEY COMIN' TO GET ME!"

Security Guard: "Sir, are you in trouble?"

Black Dude: "Hell yeah! THEY COMIN'! THE POODLES ARE COMIN'!!!"

(Black dude takes off yelling)

- Howard "L" Platform

-- Submitted by Terrell

Not talking maybe a better option

Guy: "When I try to talk clearly I mumble, so I'm trying to mumble more and actually talking clearer."

- At a grocery store

-- Submitted by Dave

That COULD solve the problem

Manager: (on phone) "No. He was supposed to get it done."

Manager: "Before I went on vacation, I took him down and he said he was going to get it done! I come back and NOTHING is finished!"

Manager: "Look. This has become a disaster and it needs to be fixed. The only way I can see it getting done is getting me, you, and Tom in a room and having a threeway."

Manager: "What? How am I a pervert?"

- Merchandise Mart

-- Submitted by I.K.

At least he's covering every color of the rainbow

(Wasted Haitian guy with a thick, French accent. 1:30 AM)

Haitian: "Look at me, in this sea of white motherfuckers!"

Group: "Uh, we have a black guy and an asian!"

Haitian: "Lemme ask a question. Who here loves a big dick?"

Group: "Ummmmmm..."

Haitian: "Ok, ok, ok, lemme ask another question. Who here loves a small dick?"

Group: (creeped out laugh)

Haitian: "Who is gay up in this motherfucker!?!"

Group: "Um, dude, um..."

Haitian: "You know what I hate about americans? (speech begins slurring) They are all so damn inngorant. Ingerant. Ignorant! Oops! Theres my train!"

- Red Line, Berwyn Stop

-- submitted by C.F.

Aren't they supposed to?

Girl: (To Girlfriend) "Do your sleepovers involve a lot of sex?"

- on Bryn Mawr

-- Submitted by Michael

You may be giving adults too much credit

Man: (mutters something under his breath)

Woman: "Kiss my ass! I ain't no six year old! I've got the same amount of patience as any adult: NONE!"

- Bus stop on Chicago/Franklin

-- Submitted by L

Coworkers: Beware

Boss: "There just isn't enough time in a day to get things done."

Higher Level Employee: "Yeah. I wish the day could be extended so we can get things done before we go home."

Lower Level Employee: "Extended?! Isn't enough time?! I wish the days were 2 hours long and one of those hours was lunch."

Boss: "Yeah? After you finished your daily work, what would you do with the other 50 minutes you had every day?"

- Office near State and Van Buren

-- Submitted by anonymous

Fer sher

Dude 1: "No way!"

Dude 2: "Yes way!"

Dude 1: "No way!"

Dude 2: "YES WAY!"

Dude 1: "No you didn't!"

Dude 2: "Totally. It was the best head I ever got, too!"

- Near UIC Pavilion

-- Submitted by Shmippy

Maybe she really does see dead people.

Woman (to 3 others walking with her): "...and I heard a voice in her head -- a thought. ..."

- In front of Sound Bar

-- Submitted by J.C.

Baby Steps

Woman: "I need to quit smoking."

Friend: "You don't smoke that much, do you?"

Woman: "Well, I've gone from 2 packs down to about 7 cigarettes a day."

Friend: "There you go! You're almost there."

Woman: "With cigarettes. I use weed instead."

Friend: "I guess it's better for your lungs. Plus, you're saving on paying that huge cigarette tax!"

- Loyola Campus

-- Submitted by H.D.

I didn't know it was a recognized language

(Women gets bumped by man walking down the street)

Man: "Sorry."

Woman: "Why don't you watch where the hell you're going next time, asshole."

Man: "I'm sorry. I didn't understand you. I don't speak 'bitch'."

- Jackson and Halsted

-- Submitted by UIC dude

It's got to warm up somehow

Tourist 1: "It's way too cold around here."

Tourist 2: "I hear that the weather can change at the blink of an eye in Chicago."

Tourist 1: "I heard that too, but if you blink too much, you could bring in a snowstorm."

Tourist 2: "Or, like, a meteor shower, or something."

- Michigan and Jackson

-- Submitted by Aaron D.

It's better than flying on a pink eye

Black Man: "You going to Fizzy's tonight?"

White Man: "No. Gotta fly to L.A. on a red eye."

Black Man: " look man. They make drops for that.."

- At McDonald's near O'Hare

-- Submitted by Vic

Cellular Phone Follies

Girl On Train: (on handsfree set) "blah blah blah. I know, RIGHT? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH! blah blah blah."

Man: "Excuse me, Miss?"

Girl: (on phone) "Hold on." (To man) "What?"

Man: "Can I ask you a quick question?"

Girl: "Uhh...sure."

Man: "SHUT THE HELL UP YOU BLABBER-MOUTHED, INCONSIDERATE MORON!"

- On the Red Line

-- Submitted by Willie

Judaism DOES have it's oddities

Foreign Lady: "You are Jewish, yes?"

Jewish Lady: "Yes."

Foreign Lady: "So we have Sunday like you have Saturday?"

Jewish Lady: "That's right."

Foreign Lady: "Is it true that Jews have to count how many steps they take?"

Jewish Lady: (stunned look)

- Skokie

-- Submitted by Geema

Anyone got her number?

Woman 1: "Man, that girl was druuuuuunk."

Woman 2: "Nah, she's just really free with her sexuality."

- The Chicago Mercantile Exchange

-- Submitted by Eep

Wait, This ISN'T A Flea Market?

(Customer at checkout holding an old plastic, dashboard fan.)

Customer: "Can I trade you this fan for some Red Dog? I'll pay the dif-risses..."

Cashier: "You have to be kidding me."

- CVS on Jackson and Wells

-- Submitted by Armando Villalobos

It Was a Memorable Night

Guy: "I called you for the past four days! Where you been at?"

Woman: "I didn't see no phone calls. Whatchoo wanted?"

Guy: "I went out with Caroline. It was a great night!"

Woman: "When did you go out?"

Guy: "Saturday night. No, Sunday. No, Friday night. Wait. What day is it?"

- Howard Station Platform

-- Submitted by Eric

Stay Strong With Your Convictions

Guy #1: "I'm not drinking today. No way!"

Guy #2: "Me neither."

Guy #1: "I'm sick of getting drunk every night. Man!"

Guy #2: "Me too. (pause) You comin' over tonight?"

Guy #1: "Yeah, after work."

Guy #2: "Bring that bottle of Cuervo."

- Union Station

- Submitted by Susan

They Should March The Hell Away From Me

"Sometimes I just get the urge to do bad things to penguins with a croquet mallet."

- At a local school

-- Submitted by Elora

That's Not Coming Back

(Woman drops her building security card down the elevator shaft)

Woman: "FUUUUUUUCK!!!!"

- Loop Office Building

-- Submitted by Vamp Slayer

Mmmm....tasty.

(Two girls shopping)

First girl: "Don't eat your hair, you'll get lice!"

Second girl: "I'm NOT eating it, I'm just putting it in my mouth. And you can't get lice by eating your own hair."

First girl: "Well, maybe not lice, but tapeworm for sure."

- Jewel in Westchester

-- submitted by Renee O.

I need some help

I need some volunteers who can help me out with something (nothing big.) If you live/work in the Chicagoland area or surrounding suburbs and can help me out, please email me at ziggyk15@yahoo.com or fill out a submission form. I need a hand full of people to assist me.

Z

Please don't forget to visit my sponsors!

Homeless People Can Be Funny

Homeless Man: "Change, please. Change? Change, please."

Disheveled Passerby: "Here you go, bud."

Homeless Man: (fishes coins out of cup and tosses it back at man) "You look like you need it more than I do."

- Clark and Division

-- Submitted by RayRay

Did He Enjoy It?

Black Woman: "You wouldn't believe how hard it was!"

Black Man: "It just takes practice. You just have to keep working at it."

Black Woman: "The hardest part is when you take the glass and just blow. You have to keep blowing and blowing 'til you done."

Black Man: "Awwwww, yeah..."

- On Rush St.

Best Spring Break Ever

Student 1: "How was your spring break?"

Student 2: "I dunno."

Student 1: "What did you end up doing?"

Student 2: "I dunno."

Student 1: "Did you go anywhere special?"

Student 2: "Bars. Lots and lots of bars."

- UIC

-- Submitted by Nora G.

Huh?

Crazy Jamaican grandmother: (to granddaughters) "Eloo chickens! Would you like a cup of tea or lambrusco?

Granddaughter: "eerr... Lambrusco please?"

Grandmother: "Ooooh you better lock the door or the hooligans will get in!!!!"

- Hampshire, England

-- Submitted by Leesa L.

I Can't Believe You Lied!

(Homeless person comes around with a note saying she is deaf/mute and needs money. Passes note to student group.)

Student 1: (waving woman away) "I can't believe she keeps handing out this note! I mean, does anyone buy it?"

(Woman turns to walk away)

Student 2: "Whatever. She's probably full of shit anyway."

Homeless Woman: (turns around) "FUCK ALL Y'ALL!"

- UIC Circle Center

-- Submitted by R.L.

Not a Sports Fan, Are You?

Sports Fan: "I can't BELIEVE the games this weekend. My brackets are all destroyed, but the games were great. George Mason is in the Final Four! Amazing."

Friend: "George Mason? I think I went to school with that guy."

- on the Metra

-- Submitted by Sammy

Make Sure You Don't Drink The Water

Chicagoan: "The trip to Mexico was awful! I mean, the water was absolutely disgusting."

Friend: "Really? I thought it was all hot women and white sand beaches."

Chicagoan: "Me too. But when we got there you could see the raw sewage in the water. I could have saved all that money and just swam in the toilet."

- On the Red Line

-- Submitted by H.G.

I guess EVERYTHING has a holiday

50 year old guy: "We'd like a bottle of champagne, please."

Server: "Are you guys celebrating an anniversary or birthday?"

50 year old wife: "No, it's Penis Appreciation Day and we're going to celebrate his penis!"

- Omni Hotel Bar

-- Submitted by Emily W.

It's Pronounced Nuculer...Nuculer.

Nerdy Kid: "I think this train is a nuclear train."

Nerdy Friend: "No way. They only let the special guys ride those."

Nerdy Kid: "NOOO! I'm telling you, it's nuclear!! They have a laboratory on this train!!!"

Mom: "No sweetie. That says lavatory. It's a bathroom."

- On the Metra

-- Submitted by P.J.

She Must Get It Wholesale

Middle-aged Woman: "Girl!! Those cops be racial profilin'. I was in the square and they arrested me for having ten bucks to buy some hurwin (heroin)."

Older Woman: "Girl, you can't buy hurwin for 10 bucks."

Middle-aged Woman: "Sure you can."

Older Woman : "Girl, that some cheap ass hurwin."

- 555 W. Harrison Court House

-- Submitted by Dave MSW

I might be joining you soon.

Homeless Guy: "Please help the needy."

Passerby: "Hey, man. I have a mortgage, which I still owe 140 thousand on. You're doing a lot better than me."

- In Chinatown

-- Submitted by Rick

So you just want him to put on glasses and talk nerdy?

1st Guy: "I might go as Superman or someting like that."

2nd Guy: "I'm not sure. What about Steven Hawking?"

1st Guy: "What the fuck?! Are you fucking crazy!? "He's in a wheel chair you asshole!"

2nd Guy: "No, no. I'm going as Steven Hawking before he was a paraplegic. You know, when he could walk."

- on the bus

-- Submitted by CalCal

Where are Maryann and Skipper?

(A chinese guy with a sailor hat walks in to the bar)

Bartender: "Look, it's Girrigan!"

-Sports Bar in Goleta

-- Submitted by C.Q.

They are pretty scary

Girl 1: "Oh jeeze, I have to close my eyes. Tell me when we get down to the main floor."

Girl 2: "Why's that?"

Girl 1: "I cant stand watching the floors go by. I already feel sick. Are we there yet? "

Girl 2: "Almost I think. Now I feel nauseous too.... whats that smell? It smells fruity."

- 700 North Michigan Ave.

-- Submitted by N

Uhm...teacher?

Boy 1: "Now all I need is a rope and a really strong piece of wood..."

Boy 2: "Yeah, and a chainsaw!"

-At an elementary school

-- Submtited by Cayla

I'd love this power!

1st Little Boy: "...Oh yeah, well everything YOU touch turns to FIRE!!"

2nd Little Boy: "Mooommm!!!"

- Outside of Wegman's

-- Submitted by Savagecabbage

You're at the grocery store.

Employee: "Hello."

Customer: "Do you guys sell printer cartridges?"

Employee: "Yes, sir we do.

Customer: "Ok. Can u remind me what store I'm in?"

-At Compusa

-- Submitted by Alberto

This makes me emotional

(A female student discussing her boyfriend with classmates.)

Hardcore Woman: "A sensitive man, to me, is a bitch."

-On the Depaul Campus

-- Submitted by Jimmy B.

161 N. Clark Street

Employee gets coffee from the kitchenette.

Coffee Drinker: (Slurp.) "Ahhhh" (Slurp.) "Ahhhh" (Slurp.) "Ahhh"

Desk Jockey: "Good coffee??"

Coffee Drinker: "Yeah." (Slurp.) "Ahhhhhhh."

Angry Co-Worker: "IF YOU SLURP THAT COFFEE ONE MORE GOD DAMN TIME I'M GOING TO MAKE YOU DRINK IT THROUGH YOU'RE FREAKING EYEBALLS!"

-- Submitted by anonymous

Someone Call Dorothy!

Crazy Guy shouting at passers by: "Help!!! The munchkins are trying to steal my poo nuggets!!"

-On the Green Line

-- Submitted by K from London

On the bus

Teen #1: "You're stupid, man"

Teen #2: "You're stupid! You couldn't even open the fucking door!"

Teen #1: "That door was fucked, yo"

Teen #2: "YOU'RE Fucked!!!"

-- Submitted by J.

Jennn--ehhh

Two homeless guy are sitting on a bench, drinking as a jogger with a huge, brown beard and red shorts crosses the street in front of them.

Bum 1: "RUN FOREST RUUUUN"

Bum 2: "I'd like some chocolates....."

-- Submitted by Sandrine

You've Never Had Raw Fish?

Near Sushi Mora in Southport

Man 1: "Man, I'm hungry."

Man 2: "Let's eat here! It's a great place."

Man 1: "There's no way I'm eating fucking sushi. That's nasty shit!"

Man 3: "Ever gone down on a girl? Sushi is just like pussy."

-- Submitted by Anna

On North and Clyborn

Black Guy 1: "...I identify with African American's but my blood line isn't as pure. I have a weird combo."

Black Guy 2: "What do you mean? Either you're black or you ain't."

Black Guy 1: "I'm half, man. I'm half Nigerian and half Irish. I'm a lepracoon."

-- Submitted by M.A.

On Clark/Lake

Guy 1: "So there I was, fighting off this flock of pigeons, man. They were attacking my little neice!"

Guy 2: "Doesn't she know not to panic?"

Guy 1: "Naw, man. She panicked, and those birds were all peckin' at her head. Peck! Peck! Peck!"

-- Submitted by Scott

On the Green Line

(Man stands up on train)

Guy: "Can I have everyone's attention, please? Folks, does anyone want to trade jackets or pants? Let me know."

(Man sits down)

-- Submitted by Stephan L.

On Kenmore Ave

(Two men walking down Kenmore Avenue in Edgewater.)

One Guy: (uncomfortably singing) "I've got sunshine, on a cloudy day... when it's cold outside... I've got the month of May..."

Random Guy: (following the two men from twenty feet behind) "Sing, mother fucker! Sing!"

-- Submitted by Thomas L.

On a Pace bus

Man on cell: "I can't believe he swiped it!" "Whatever man. Five finger discount." "So he lost a finger!? It's still called a five finger discount!"

-- Submitted by Leo

On the Green Line

Girl: "It feels like my whole face is twitching. Do you see anything?"

Girl 2: "Nope."

Girl: "Are you for real? It feels like the whole thing is jumping up and down! It's like a seizure in my face."

-- Submitted by Jeff

In Chinatown

Guy: "This place is awesome. I can't think of a better place in the world to get Chinese food."

Friend: "What about China? I'm thinking it's better there."

Guy: "No way. It's way to chinese-ee over there. The americanized version makes it taste better."

-- Submitted by Harv

In Oak Park

Girl: "I've never really understood why I'm always sick. I eat right, I wash my hands, I work out. I do everything I possibly can to avoid germs."

Guy: "Maybe the bacteria is out to get you. They have a vendetta against your family. Did you ever get the mafia virus vaccine?"

Girl: "Ohmygod! I should totally ask my mom!"

-- Submitted by P.K.

Site News

Again, we're tweaking the page to make submitting easier and more convenient. The submission field works, and we're trying to work on the redirection away from the page. So, if you get redirected to a different page, that will be corrected soon. Let me know if any other issues arise. Email me at ziggyk15@yahoo.com.

Z

On State and Jackson

Guy 1: "You ever feel like your head is going to explode?"

Guy 2: "I know what you mean. Work, my girlfriend, trying to figure out where my life is going. It's just rough. She wants to get married, have kids, live the family life. I think I'm ready for it, but I'm not sure. I always think of how to improve myself and gain advantages in life. Usually that means jumping around cities for work and going to the top as fast as possible. I don't know if I can start a family and put all that strain on them."

Guy 1: "I just have a head cold"

-- Submitted by Sam

In Winnetka

Girl 1: "Turning 16 is awesome. I can't wait to get my new car."

Girl 2: "What kind are you getting?"

Girl 1: "I don't know. I'm looking for something big."

Girl 2: "Yeah, bigger cars are safer sometimes."

Girl 1: "Forget safety, I just need room to get my boyfriend in the backseat."

-- Submitted by Steve K.

On the UIC Campus

Student Guy: "I can't believe we're stuck here. Spring break was supposed to be party time! Everyone I know is somewhere getting wasted."

Student Girl: "That's okay. We have each other. I'm not going anywhere."

Student Guy: "Uh, yeah. There's just some pretty big differences when I don't go anywhere."

Student Girl: "Like what? We can get drunk and have fun in Chicago."

Student Guy: "Right. But getting drunk and having fun is a lot different than getting drunk, doing three chicks, hitting a beach, getting more drunk, and then doing three more chicks....all before lunch."

-- submitted by Gary L.

On Dearborn

Girl: "I'm so tired of being confused all the time. I always try to do a million things at once and never complete any of them. I just get so confused I can never keep track of anything!"

Guy: "Well, why don't you try taking on less and operating more efficiently? I think your problem is you just try to do to much at once."

Girl: "I'm sorry, what? I was thinking about a phone call I had to make."

-- Submitted by Jen

On a Bus at the University of Chicago

(A thin pale student with messy black hair and large round glasses gets on the bus)

Woman on her cell phone: "Oh my god, fucking HARRY POTTER just got on the bus! I'll call you right back!"

-- Submitted by Ed

Pardon the dust

Pardon the dust: We're making the website look better and adding some fields to make submissions easier!

Z

At the Red Line Belmont Stop

(Drunken army boards train)

1st Drunk Guy: (nonsensical gibberish trying to strike up a conversation with girls)

2nd Drunk Guy: (fake sneeze) "AHHHHHHH shut the fuck up chooooooo"

1st Drunk Guy: "Hey man, what the fuck is your problem?!"

2nd Drunk Guy: "Sorry, I'm just getting over a cold."

1st Drunk Guy: "My bad. Bless you."

-- Submitted by G.W.

At a Sports Bar in Burbank

Sports Fan 1: "I can't believe all the games are so close [in the NCAA tournament.]"

Sports Fan 2: "Yeah, but why was everyone on Oral Roberts bandwagon this year?"

Drunk Guy: "Because everyone wants to go home and get an Oral Roberts from their wife. That bitch."

-- Submitted by Jerry

In Little Italy

Tourist Daughter: "This is little Italy?"

Tourist Mom: "Yup, that's what the guide says."

Tourist Daughter: "Is it shaped like a little boot?"

-- Submitted by Mike

In Front of the Marmon Building on Franklin

(Man trying to hail a cab)

Man: "Why won't any cab stop?! I've been waiting ten minutes!"

Man 2: "Cabs don't stop for two types of people: men and flat-chested women."

-- Submitted by John W.

Near the Skokie Swift Station

Wife: (angrily looking at husband) "You've been really sassy today."

Husband: "Sass this!"

(Turns and passes gas on wife)

-- Submitted by Gary K.

In Roscoe Village

Girl: "They were mean, huh?"

Friend: "What are you talking about, they called me smart!"

Girl: "No they didn't. They were really rude!"

Friend: "They did so call me smart! They said I totally deserve to be a Darwin Award Winner! Darwin was smart!"

-- Submitted by Lisa E.

In St. Charles

Teen: "I'm telling you man, it was the heat of competition. I saw the opportunity and I took it."

Friend: "You broke his nose! It was ridiculous!"

Teen: "I don't know what it was. It was like I was an animal."

Friend: "YOU GUYS WERE SWIMMING!"

-- Submitted by Harry T.

In Sauk Village

Man: "If you can name anything that tastes better than a tomato sandwich, I would love to hear about it."

-- Submitted by G.R.

At Jack's Restuarant in Skokie

Patron: "Excuse me, Miss?"

Waitress: "Yes, sir?"

Patron: "Quick question. What's in the cheddar cheese soup?"

Waitress: "Uh...cheddar cheese."

--Submitted by R.P.

Jackson and Wacker

Man on Cell: "I can't hear you." "No. I can't hear you! It's snowing!"

-- Submitted by O. P.

At a Doctor's Office

Woman: "I smell glue"
Man: "I hope not!"
Woman: "Then what's that smell?"
Man: "My lunch."

-- Submitted by Chris U.

On a Downtown Corner

Man: "Say foo! He can't be makin' you CD's from the pen. What's the matter with you?"

--Submitted by Chris U.

On the 146 bus

Woman on phone: "Why the hell would you buy mittens? You're a grown man with kids! How is that going to make them feel??"

-- Submitted by J.J.

At the Library L Stop

Teen Tourist 1: "There's no way Chicago is bigger than Houston!"

Teen Tourist 2: "Seriously. It might be taller, but it's definitely not bigger."

Teen Tourist 1: "They have to be taller because that stops the wind from knocking over the shorter buildings."

Teen Tourist 2: "Then why don't the bigger buildings fall over?"

Teen Tourist 1: "I think the top few floors have screens instead of windows so the air can pass by."

--Submitted by Marni J.

At City Hall

Citizen: "Who do I speak to regarding a building permit?"

City Worker: "I don't know."

Citizen: "Well, what floor do I go to?"

City Worker: "Check the directory."

Citizen: "Why do they have an information desk if you don't give out any information?"

City Worker: "I told you to look at the board. Isn't that information?"

-- Submitted by Mark F.

Mortgages in Wicker Park

College Gal 1: "I'm having trouble with the bills this month."

College Gal 2: "What are you going to do about it?"

College Gal 1: "I don't know. People use mortgages to pay for houses right? Can I get a mortgage to pay the rent?"

-- Submitted by Al Y.

On Lawrence Ave. in Ravenswood

Thug 1: "You know what I like about weed, man?"

Thug 2: "What?"

Thug 1: "Smokin' it!"

-- Submitted by Diane S.

At a Barbecue over the Summer

Man: "Close the door so the smoke doesn’t get into the house."

Woman: "Why not just turn the barbeque around so the wind blows it away?"

[Man stares blankly at woman]

On the DePaul Campus

Girl: "I just don't understand what the big deal is about school mascot's. Most of them don't make sense anyway."

Guy: "It's just a way to represent yourself when you go school to school."

Girl: "That doesn't make sense. Look at UIC! What the hell is a flame, anyway?"

Guy: "Something you find in a fire."

Girl: "Shut up."

-- Submitted by D.M.

(Remember to submit things you overheard to ziggyk15@yahoo.com!!!)

At a rehab facility in River North

Physical Therapist: "I'm sorry, I just can't take you today. You're 30 minutes late and I'm booked pretty solid."

Patient: "But I can't come later this week. It wasn't really my fault."

Therapist: "What was the problem?"

Patient: "I had to drop the Cosby kids off at the the pool. They put up a pretty big fight though, so it took longer than anticipated."

Therapist: "Next time tell me you had a flat tire or something."

-- Submitted by J.M.

On Van Buren and State

Homeless Lady: "Please help the homeless."

Man: (Drops change in cup) "Here you go."

Homeless Lady: "Thank you. The homeless of Chicago will benefit."

Man: "You're welcome. Spend it wisely!"

Homeless Lady: "Oh, it's not for me. I take from the rich and give to the poor. I'm like a toothless Robin Hood."

-- Submitted by Robbie

On the Green Line

Woman on Phone: "Yes, I have to go to work." "No, I can't just call in sick because you want me to." "No." "NO." "NO!" "Damn it, Michael. Just because you want to stay home and have sex all day doesn't mean someone doesn't have to pay the damn bills!"

-- Submitted by O.D.

At the Art Institute

Woman 1: "OH MY GOD! We HAVE to go to the Art Institute. Look who's there!!!!"

Woman 2: "Girodet? You know who that is?"

Woman 1: "Yeah. It's the chocolate company. They've gotta have chocolate scupltures or something."

Woman 2: "Uh, I think you mean Ghirardelli."

Woman 1: "Isn't that the same thing?"

-- Submitted by G.K.

Pop-ups

Several people have emailed me saying they are receiving pop-ups from this site. Please email me if this is happening to you as well. I have not inserted, nor do I want, any pop-ups eminating from this site.

Thanks,

Z

On the Purple Line

(After an announcement that one door on one car is no longer operating)

Man: "First it's the door. Then it's the seats. Then it's the people. Then we all go 'KABOOM!' and no one cares but my mom. Great. Exactly what all of you want."

-- Submitted by C.R.

At the construction site

Plumber: "We have to shut the bathrooms down on 11 floors for one day. All others will be operational."

Building Manager: "That doesn't give us a lot of time to tell people about it. Can you do the work if we don't shut them down?"

Plumber: "Yeah, but everytime someone flushes a toilet, my guys are going to get a pretty dirty shower."

--Submitted by Ray F.

In Morton Grove

Web guy: "So have you checked out my web site lately?"

Friend: "No, I've had family visiting."

Web Guy: "They take up that much time, eh?"

Friend: "They're from Tennessee. They talk slower so it takes longer to listen to stories."

-- Submitted by Chris U.

From a Dr.'s Office (No HIPAA violations present)

(Patient calls Dr.'s Office)

Dr.'s Assistant: "Dr. xxx's office, can I help y..."

Patient: "shhhhh....they're all around me."

Assistant: "Is it an emergency?"

Patient: "SHHHHH!!! They can hear you!"

Assistant: "Who?"

Patient: "The dust."

-- Submitted by S.W.

On a Pace near Halsted and Roosevelt

(man gets on bus with bright, multi-colored pants)

Woman: "Oh Lawd! You the voodoo child come to hypnotize me with those pants! YOUR PANTS ARE OF THE DEVIL! DON'T SIT NEAR ME SATAN'S SPAWN! YOU GONNA TAKE OVER THE WORLD WITH YOUR HYPNOTIZE PANTS! EVERYONE BEWARE!"

-- Submitted by M.G.

At the construction site

Foreman: "We need some replacement light bulbs for all the burn outs."

Electrician 1: "Okay."

Foreman: "We need them NOW. Get on it"

Electrician 1: "We're out. Do you want me to pull them out of my ass?"

Electrician 2: "You have so many other objects stuck up there, it would be WAY too much trouble."

-- Submitted by F.G.

At Border's in Lincoln Park

Crazy man: (talking out loud to no one) "Well, just look at all these beautiful filaments in this lightbulb called Hell!"

-- Submitted by Joseph H.

On Financial Place

Stock Broker: "Are you kidding me? Do you think I wear ridiculous looking jackets and stupid shirts for my health? The only other people who wear stupid shit like this to work are circus clowns!"

-- submitted by Carol E.

On the Purple Line

(Man and woman board together)

Woman: "I'm going to stand today."

Man: "Every day you bitch and moan about people not giving up seats for you. Today there are 15 seats open and you stand. What the hell is your problem?"

Woman: "I just feel like standing today is all."

Man: "Well, I just feel like cracking you across the knees with a lead pipe."

-- submitted by John

On the Skokie Swift

Conductor: "Let's go! All aboard! I have a student training today! Your lives are at enough risk without us being late."

-- Submitted by Keiko X.

On the Red Line

Lady on cell phone: "I'm going to have to hang up right now because it's hard for me to talk and eat at the same time. I can't multi-task that well. Can you call me back during dinner?"

-- Submitted by Andrew H.

(Remember to submit posts by emailing me at ziggyk15@yahoo.com.)

At the Apple Store on Michigan Ave.

Lady (to her companion): "I'm not pessimistic, but you're a jackass!"

-- Submitted by Amy F.

Somwhere in the city

Man: "Dude, I am SO jonesin' for a Prius."

-- Submitted by Mike B.

Across from the Lyric

Friend at bar: "Oooo! What's that?"

Bartender: "Lemon drop martini"

Friend at bar: "Can I get that with Splenda?"

-- Submitted by Heidi J.

At the Mexican Rally on Adams and Dearborn

(Hundreds of people waving Mexican flags)

Bike Messenger: "What's going on over there?"

Onlooker: "I think it's a lawn mower sale."

--Submitted by Zach B.

After a failed business meeting

Sales guy (to co-salesperson): "How the hell do you come to a presentation and forget to bring the right files? That's like going to a whorehouse and forgetting your dick!"

-- Submitted by Tony S.

In a downstate restaurant

Girl: "I just had a guy at one of my tables give me his business card and said that he may have a job for me."

Me: "Yeah? I bet you get your own webcam and everything."

Girl: ( starts walking away) "I don't really like technology."

-- Submitted by Sam W.

North & Clybourn Red Line Stop

Bum: "Can you help me?"

Guy: "No."

Bum: "You look Jewish."

Guy: "No, I'm Atheist actually."

Bum: "Oh, so that's why you won't help me."

-- Submitted by anonymous

In front of the Sears Tower

Homeless Man: "Please help the hungry."

(woman hands man a sandwich)

Homeless Man: "Thank you very much...wait, is this a ham sandwich? How do you know I'm not a practicing Jew?"

-- Submitted by Leonard M.

Said in the bedroom

Husband: "Wait, wait. Let me move the pillows before you put your vagina on my forehead."

-- Submitted by Wanda S.

On the Green Line

(Man sleeping and snoring loudly)

Large Black Lady: "Somebody better shut him up before I lose my mind."

(No one moves)

LBL: "GOD DAMN IT! STOP YOUR GOD DAMN SNORING BEFORE I HIT YOU UPSIDE THE HEAD WITH MY BAG!"

-- Submitted by Javon L.

At Union Station

(Walking behind a gawking, slow-moving Asian couple)

Man: "Yeah,yeah. Ching chong ching chong. Hurry the fuck up!"

-- submitted by Jon P.

In a downtown office elevator

Guy (to another guy in the elevator): "I can't make it tonight, but you should totally go. And cum on that girl's face while you're there."

-- Submitted by Jake D.

On the South Shore

Lady On Cell: "Hi sweetie, how was school?"(listening) "What do you mean you lost your pants?"

--Submitted by Ray M.

Subway Restaurant on E. Jackson

Sandwich Maker: "What can I get for you?"

Customer: "What's the biggest sub you offer?"

Sandwich Maker: "We have 6" and 12" subs."

Customer: "Can I get an 18" sub?"

-- submitted by Al E.

State and Randolph

Grandma: "Sweetie, I'm tired. Hold on one second."

6 year old grandaughter: "Gramma, we have to keep going, grampa said so."

Grandma: "What do you mean 'grampa said so?'"

Grandaughter: "Grampa told me we should walk to the store because you're fat, but I'm not supposed to tell you."

-- Submmitted by Grant P.

Lake and Dearborn

Salesman 1: "That's the 7th meeting you've been late to. I'm sick and tired of covering for you!"

Salesman 2: "I'm sorry. It's not my intention to be late I jus..."

Salesman 1: "But then when you come to the meeting, you don't add anything! I'm pulling these sales by myself!! I've made you so much money I should be driving your car and banging your wife!"

-- Submitted by Rick K.

At the University of Chicago

Guy: "I realize you're an economist, but as a human being don't you have any morals?"

-- Submitted by Lauren

At Denny's at 1:30 AM

Man #1: (Mumbles) "I've gut syrup in my mustache..."

Man #2: (Laughs hard, then coughs) "Goddammit! You mad me snarf an onion ring!"

Man #1: ''What?"

Man #2: ''I've got fucking breading in my sinus cavity!''

--Submitted by Marty J.

Gallery District - Starbuck's

Coffee Drinker: "Man, you are such a pessimist! Not only is your glass half empty, but what's in it is piss and vinegar!!"

-- Submitted by Lisa G.

At the construction site

(After being caught smoking on the job site, the worker throws his cigarette on the floor and steps on it, trying to hide it.)

Supervisor: "Are you smoking?"

Worker: "No."

Supervisor: "Then why is there smoke coming out from under your work boot?"

Worker: "I was working in a 'hot area' and my shoe started melting."

--submitted by Kevin A.

79th Red Line Stop

(After some small talk)

Man: "Girl you so fine."

Girl: (puzzled look)

Man: "You know, they call me cake because I'm so chocolatey sweet."

Girl: "They should call you bread because you smell like you just pinched a loaf."

-- Submitted by Darnell F.

Near the State of Illinois Building

Girl 1: "I wish Chicago had palm trees like L.A."

Girl 2: "The weather here would kill them every winter."

Girl 1: "Well, isn't there a way to warm up certain streets?"

-- Submitted by Shirley

Walking down Michigan

Woman: "I seriously can't stand blue cars. Why would anyone buy them? Blueberries on frickin' wheels. That's all they are. "

-- Submitted by Jim H.

Near Diversey and Southport

Man: "...it was seriously one of the funniest stories I've heard. I was laughing out loud and rolling around on the floor."

Friend: "What kind of AIM world are you living in? Did you throw in some smiley faces for good measure?"

--Submitted by John T.

On Clark and Lake

Suit: "No. We're not going back to Cosi's. I'm sick and tired of Cosi's. If we go to Cosi's I'm going to blow your god damn head off. FUCK YOU AND FUCK COSI'S. Fuck."

-- Submitted by D.H.

In Evanston

Woman on phone: "I gained way too much weight. I'm never going to fit in a bathing suit this summer."

Passerby (loudly): "Whales don't wear bathing suits! They may obstruct the blowhole!"

--Submtited by Clarence W.

At Chicago L Station

Man on Cell: "Well, you tell him not to eat his balls when he plays with them!"

-- Submitted by Stefan Y.

Bar in Lincoln Park

Girl 1: "I can't believe you didn't wear a condom."

Girl 2: "How was I supposed to know you can get herpes when they aren't having an outbreak?"

--Submitted by anonymous

On The Red Line

(Announcement over PA)

Girl on Cell: "DAYUMN Jamal! I can't hear whatchoo sayin' with this bullshit noise. SOMEBODY SHUT THAT SHIT OFF!"

(10 second announcement ends)

Girl: "That's right, mother fucker."

--Submitted by Earl A.

At the Old Orchard Shopping Center Parking Lot

(After getting a parking space "stolen" from him)

Old man: (yelling out window) "You know, in my day, young people had respect for their elders!"

Young guy: "Yeah? Well in your day they used condoms made of rock. Things change"

-- Submitted by Lance K.

Purple Line

(Father with his daughter on the train)

Daughter: "When we get home can mama read me a book?"

Father: "Why can't I read you a book?"

Daughter: "You never read to me. Mommy says it's 'cause you're retarded."

--Submitted by Marcus L.

On the Blue Line

Man: (mumbles to door)

Man: (mumbles to door, but a little louder)

Man: (points at door as he mumbles, but words are still not coherent)

Man: "GOD DAMN IT I HATE THOSE GOD DAMN HIPPIES!"

-- Submitted by Eric Q.

Kids are awesome

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The L platform at Belmont

College Student 1: "Don't you have a problem with Bush and the NSA invading your privacy? They're taking away your rights!"

College Student 2: "Unless phone sex and porn are illegal, they've got nothing on me."

-- submitted by anonymous

On the Brown Line

Man flirting with woman: "Yeah, I'm a rapper and a gospel singer. I also have my own recording label with 15 artists. I'm in talks to merge with some of the 'big time' labels and then everything will really take off."

Woman: (puzzled look) "Then why are you in a security guard uniform waiting for the brown line at 6 in the morning?"

Man: "It's to keep up a front. Make me remember the common man"

-- Submitted by Jack R.

Near Recreation Drive

Man: "The water is beautiful, even when it's cold out, huh?"

Woman: "Until you think of all the dead fish, garbage, and waste that gets dumped into it everyday. Otherwise, yeah, it's pretty. Oh, and all the fish shit."

-- Submitted by Sara L.

At a construction progress meeting

Engineer 1: "We're going to have to replace some of the valves."

Manager: "What's wrong with the old valves?"

Engineer 2: "They're old cock and ball valves and they just don't get up and down like they used to.

--Submitted by Steve P.

Near the Sedgwick L Stop

Girl: "He keeps asking me out. I don't know what to tell him anymore"

Friend: "Just tell him you have AIDS. That should shut him up real quick."

-- Submitted by Isaac P.

Fullerton L Stop

Girl: "...and she was just laying there, letting him plow her. No way would I let a guy do that to me."

-- submitted by anonymous

I thought Ikea was okay.

(At Ikea)

Young Boy: "Dad? Why are all these people talking in a weird language??"

Dad: "Son, this is where all the Russian, German, and foreign people shop because they cannot find the stuff they want at Kohl's."

-- Submitted by Jon C.

Why does this sound familiar?

Husband: "Why haven't you had your oil changed?"

Wife: "I didn't know it needed it. I thought a sound or light was supposed to go on when it needed one."

Husband: "IT'S A CAR, NOT A DAMN GAME SHOW!"

--Submitted by John M.

Should Be Obvious. (On the UIC Campus)

Girl: I'm so tired of having abortions!!
Guy: You know, there's an easy way to fix that.

-Submitted by Sam G.

On the Brown Line

Girl 1: "Hey there."
Girl 2: "Hi...What happened to your face?"
Girl 1: "I got bit by a dog over the weekend." (Has stitches around mouth and chin)
Girl 2: "What happened? Did you know the dog?"
Girl 1: "It was totally a freak accident. I was hugging and kissing this unknown dog and, next thing I know, I'm in the emergency room."

-- Submitted by Daniel J.

Ah! Monday Morning on the Brown Line

Crazy Guy: (repeatedly yelling) "I'm taking over! I'm taking over!"
Train passengers: (uncomfortable silence for a minute)
Crazy Guy: "That wasn't much of a take over."

-- Submitted by William B.

Monroe between Dearborn and State

Woman on Cell Phone: "Oh my God. You've got to be kidding. It's in Bordeaux and it's ONLY a thousand dollars a week?!"

-- Submitted by Peter S.

Near South Shore Station on Michigan and Randolph

(Walking behind tourists, talking to her friend)

Woman: God! I HATE TOURISTS! It's like being in a herd of stupid cattle! Makes you want to get a cattle prod and just ZAP! ZAP! ZAP! Get the fuck out the way!

-- Submitted by Lisa G.

Gotta love kindergarteners.

(Billy just threw a block at Johnny's head)

Teacher: "Billy, why did you do that?"
Billy: "He's playing with dolls!"
Teacher: "Johnny is allowed to play with whatever he wants."
Billy: "Dad said sissies get no mercy."

-- Submitted by Teacher Mary

On the route 147 bus

Tim: "...To fix some of my car's smaller dents, I was using this stuff called Bondo. Bondo is a little tricky and you have to be careful not to put any in your..."

Interrupting Friend: "...in your butt?!"

Other Friend: "Yeah. Whatever you do, don't put the Bondo in your butt."

-- Submitted by Chris H.

Interesting Selling Approach

Salesman 1: "We have a new client coming in and I don't know much about her. Who wants to take her on?"

Salesman 2: "I'll do it. I'm pretty good at feeling up new clients."

-Submitted by Art V.

But the other one is for my slush fund!

Fat Guy: ...I told you: I only have ONE credit card!

Fat Lady: Then let me see it!

Fat Guy: Which one?...Oh...shit.

-- Submitted by Fitzpatrick

I need a bit of help

From Ziggy,

If anyone has website knowledge and can help me with something, please email me. I'm trying to add something to the site and am at a loss for how to find it.

Ziggyk15@yahoo.com

And remember, email me what you heard over the weekend and I'll gladly put it up! Clicking a couple ads would also be a huge help. Thanks everyone!

Oh, Northwestern!

College Guy: ...I can't believe she got mugged. It was right near campus, too.

Dorky Friend: Those guys are lucky I wasn' there. I would have finished them!

College Guy: Who are you? Raiden? You can't use mana around here.

-- submitted by Trets

On Jackson/Halsted

College Guy: I'm so friggin hungry. Let's get some food.

Buddy: You want to go to one of these Greektown places?

College Guy: I said I want to eat, not get my stomach pumped.

-- submitted by Carl C.

NASCAR is intricate.

Worker : Daytona was awesome. I have to go to the Daytona 500 every year from now on!

Female Co-Worker: My husband says that all NASCAR drivers do is go around ina circle a whole lot. Don't they get dizzy?

-- submitted by Rick D.

First time playing?

Host: "Did you remember to bring the chips?"
Girlfriend: "I didn't know we were supposed to go shopping."
Boyfriend: "We're playing poker, [g/f], not feeding the animals."

-- Submitted by John N.

In the North Burbs

Redhead: "Now I understand what anal leakage is about."

-- Submitted by Jer S.

South Side

Guy 1: "I swear, it's like he pulled a rabbit out of his ass."
Guy 2: "You mean a rabbit out of his hat."
Guy 1: "Who cares where the rabbit came from? It was cool as hell."

-- submitted by Harry D.

Ash Wednesday

Girl: "...and have you noticed all the people with dirt on their heads? What the hell is that?"
Friend: "It's Ash Wednesday. It's supposed to be a cross, I think."
Girl: "Oh. Well, I'm happy to be Jewish then. The worst we suffer through is gefilte fish and matzah."

-- Submitted by Don T.

Someone call a doctor....

Cell Phone Guy: "Who was it that told you to stick the figures in your ass??"

-- Submitted by M.S.

Streetwise!

Streetwise Vendor: "Help the homeless! Streetwise here"
Man who just gave him change: "Can I have the paper now?"
Streetwise Vendor: "You mean you actually want to read this thing??"

-- Submitted by Ryan C.

Monroe and Wabash

(Passing a homeless man without legs)

Frat Boy: "Hold on guys, I want to give Lt. Dan here a couple nickels."

Drops change into cup.

Frat Boy: "Here, maybe now you can afford new legs. NEW LEGS!"

-- Submitted by Sammy L.

In the office

Worker: "Hey Jessica, did I get any messages?"
Secretary: "A ton. I've been trying to nail you all day."

-- Submitted by Gary J.

Franklin and Lake

Lady on phone: "Damn it Jack! Stop referencing the Simpson's every time we have a friggin' problem!"

-- Submitted by Samantha J.

On Jackson and State

Guy on phone: "If this gets any crazier, I'm going to shave my head, cut off my balls, and walk around in white nikes"

-- Submitted by Randy Z.

In the Signature Room at the Hancock

Tourist looking out the window: Which one is the Sears Tower?

-- Submitted by Kate R.

At a barbershop on Montrose

(After arguing with another barber in another language)

Barber, staring angrily at other barber: "After I finish with my customer, I'll SHOW YOU who's Assyrian, mother fucker!"

-- Submitted by Bernard B.

It's not the size of the wave, it's the motion of the ocean

(Said by a friend who's last name is Fung)

Fung: "I've been called a lot of things in my life, except Hung, and I'm happy I'm not."

-- Submitted by Paul S.

Mmm...free samples!

Quaker Gal: Would you like to try a breakfast cookie?
Nice Guy: Not if yours tastes as shitty as the last one I had.

-- Submitted by Michael

Kids say the darndest things.

(During a "What does your dad do" presentation)

Exec Dad: ...And what I focus on is trading stocks and bonds. Yes, question?
Smart Kid: What kind of players do you get for Bonds?

-- Submitted by Teacher Rachel

On the Metra

Woman on phone: I don't know what it is. My clothes just feel baggy. I think my tits deflated overnight.

-- Submitted by anonymous

Women are sensitive

Guy: No, I seriously thought she was pregnant.
Girl: She wasn't? What did you say?
Guy: I asked her how she got so fat. That's how I got the black eye.

-- Submitted by Craig T.

Maybe you should have thought of that ahead of time?

Girl: You can't be for real!! The wedding is in three weeks and eveything is paid for.
Guy: I'm sorry. There's really nothing I can do.
Girl: Couldn't you have figured out you were gay BEFORE we got engaged?!

-- Submitted by Jesse C.

I love you, son.

Worker Bee (on the phone): You can't become a genius if you were born stupid!

-- Submitted by Scott D.

On State and Jackson

Guy: I just got DirectTV with Tivo.
Friend: When did you get a new roommate? And what kind of name is Tivo?

-- Submitted by Clarence F.

Thanks Collegehumor!

Thanks to www.Collegehumor.com for linking to my site! I've received over 16,000 hits in only 4 days!

Please submit your overheards to me at ziggyk15@yahoo.com and if you could, click on an ad or two for me. My one year old daughter would appreciate it! Thanks and keep checking in!

While watching a UConn basketball game

(After watching Rudy Gay, who plays for Uconn, drive and score)

Sports Fan 1: Man, I love when that Gay dude penetrates!

-- Submitted by Aaron M.

While having sex in a car at a public park

Shagging Girl: What are you laughing about?
Guy: The guy walking his dog, staring at us.

-- Submitted by anonymous

Waiting in line for a Broadway show

Girl 1: It says here that South Pacific is the seconds longest running show on Broadway!
Sarcastic Friend: Oh? That means it's pretty long.
Girl 1: Seriously.

-- Submitted by Jennifer B.

At the Art Institute

Art Enthusiast 1 (looking at painting): He really liked colors, didn't he?
Art Enthusiast 2: Most painters do.

-- Submitted by Adam J.