Happy New Year!

I'll be traveling over the next few days, so no new updates until Tuesday. If you drive, don't drink, and if you drink, make sure you remember funny conversations.

Until then, have a Happy New Year!

Back to overheard conversations!

P.S. Bears fans: you may want to check these out. Just in time for the Packers game! GRAR!

Mexican part? Check. Food part? Not so much.

College Art Girl #1: "This kind of weather makes me want Mexican food. I want to go to one of those places that gives away free chips and salsa."

College Art Girl #2: "Mexican food? I don't think I've ever had Mexican food."

College Art Girl #1: "WHAT!? Come on! We grew up in Jersey! You've had Mexican food."

College Art Girl #2: "You mean like Taco Bell? I love Taco Bell."

- 8th and State

-- Submitted by Lindsay Adams

Some girls wish that happened to their chests.

Screaming Woman: "I used to wear that shoe size, but all the sin went to my feet. Now they are a half size bigger."

- Target in Logan Square

-- Submitted by La Sirena

Cheers

Guy: "Her breasts are toastworthy."

- Lincoln Park highrise

-- Submitted by Tim

No one wants brain matter on the street.

Woman: "What they did was stupid. They took a hose and hosed down all the brain matter into the drain."

- Connie's Pizza on Archer

-- Submitted by BitterWaitress

Especially vampires.

Woman: (on cell) "I was talking to some friends the other day, and was really surprised how common it is for people to drink each other's blood during sex. Like, a LOT of people do that!"

- DeLux

-- Submitted by Deweybug

To everyone who wanted to see, you are.

Drunk: "Close your legs! No panty shots! No panty shots!"

Girl in skirt: (silence, mixed with embarassed look)

Drunk: "Oh, so now I'm an asshole?"

- Red Line

-- Submitted by Denise

Merry Christmas, Mr. Potter!

Have a safe and wonderful holiday, everyone! And remember, Christmas conversations can be the funniest of them all.

Not that alcohol plays a part in that or anything.

That would be the best Christmas EVER.

Woman: (on cell) "Honey. I'm sorry. But my parents don't have cable, so you're going to miss the game tonight. Okay, well then maybe YOU should talk to my mother about having an 'ESPN Zone Family Christmas' next year!"

- Metra to Fox Lake

-- Submitted by brazenlizy

I would have just grabbed your phone and smashed it.

Girl:(on cell) "So, yeah. Then I was like, 'You're wearing stupid shoes bitch.'"

Bus driver: "Please talk on your cell phone quietly"

Girl: (to woman) "Did you just tell on me? Why do you care if I am on my phone?

Older woman: "Well, I don't really want to listen to you"

Girl: (on cell) "Yeah. So this old hag thinks she's too cool for me to talk on the phone."

- #146 Bus

-- Submitted by Mary

It's okay, folks. He was talking to a spider.

Crazy guy: "Hello, itty bitty! How are you, itsy bitsy? Itsy bitsy itsy bitsy itsy bitsy! Don't worry, itsy bitsy! Are you cold, itsy bitsy! ITSY BITSY WOOOOOO!"

- Mayfair Metra Station

-- Submitted by Steve

Uh....it's fries.

Homeless man: (Knocks on window of Mr. Greek) "Can I have some food?"

Guys inside: "Yeah hold on we will be right out."

Guys inside hand homeless man fries.

Homeless man: "I asked for a chicken pita with cheese, no onion. Whats this crap?"

- Greektown, Mr. Greek's

-- Submitted by Erun

Combination of both.

Angry Businessman: "Lady, seriously. Everyday you're on the train it smells like you bathed in that rancid perfume. What is it with you? Did a maggot crawl up your nose and eat away your sense of smell or are you just covering up for the fact that you forgot to shower?!?"

- Red Line

-- Submitted by Greenie

It's somewhere towards the middlebackfront.

Homeless Guy: "I wanna ask you something! Tell me where in the bible it says Jesus was born on December 25th!"

- Walgreens, Rogers Park

-- Submitted by Maitri

If you were really being Jewish, you'd give each other socks and underwear.

Girl: "We're celebrating Christmas like the Jews."

Guy: "How's that? Less gifts?"

Girl: "No! We started partying last night and we're gonna have eight CRAZY nights!"

- Brown Line, Armitage

-- Submitted by Jdawg

Go sail away, go sail away, go sail away with her.

Woman #1: "How come I never see you on this train? Don't you have a car?"

Woman #2: "I only ride the Metra on Fridays."

Woman #1: "Why Fridays?"

Woman #2: "Sailors."

- Metra North

-- Submitted by Ruthie

Goblins.

Guy #1: "So yeah, she's nice girl and she's got a really big rack."

CTA announcement: "Potomac."

Guy #2: "Yeah, I don't know about that. Hey, how does the bus know what street it's on?"

- Damon Bus

-- Submitted by R

That applies to apartment size too?

Man #1: "Yeah, we're still together. He asked me to move in with him, and I thought about it. I mean it's a really nice place. But then I realized it's just not big enough for two gay men, my cat, and all our accessories."

Man #2: "Size queen."

- Maximum Exposure, Broadway

-- PK

Sorry about the lack of posts today. I was busy with that whole "support your family and find a job" thing.

Updates tomorrow.

Z

The holidays are when religions can celebrate together.

Woman #1: "So what are you doing for Christmas?"

Woman #2: "Christmas? You know we're Jewish."

Woman #1: "Yes, but you don't celebrate Christmas?"

Woman #2: "No."

Woman #1: "But Jesus was born in Israel, so you're pretty much related, right?"

- California Pizza Kitchen, Skokie

-- Submitted by Ali

Let's hug it out.

Teen Angster: "...and the girl was such a bitch. She's mad at me because I have a better job than she does. And I am younger than her. And I make more money than her. And you know what I said to her? 'FUCK YOU BITCH! STOP TRYING TO GET ME DOWN!'"

- Cosi's on Jackson

-- Submitted by Jdawg

I knew it! (And THAT is your favorite part of Christmas?)

Woman: "I think my favorite part of Christmas is the Starbuck's holiday ad campaign."

Random Guy: "And that's why some republicans love Jesus."

- Diversey Ave.

-- SUbmitted by Venti Latte

Choosing religions intelligently.

Woman: "According to Jewish law, if your mother is Jewish, you're Jewish. And I am, but we figured Santa is more fun. And who doesn't like Christmas lights?"

- Old Orchard Shopping Center

-- Submitted by Carol

I don't get it either.

Guy: (on cell) "No. You take control of that situation. You make it understand that YOU'RE the boss. You make the situation your bitch. And then you poop on it."

- Purple Line

-- Submitted by Guava

Disappeared. Damn you David Copperfield!

Brown Line Conductor: "Okay, people. There's a Brown Line train directly behind this one. Just wait for that one. Do not push onto the train."

Man: "That's fine. But where's the Green Line? WHERE'S THE GREEN LINE?!"

- Brown Line

-- Submitted by Ryan

You should have said a shovel with a job.

Man: (on cell) "I don't think it was a normal interview. They asked me the typical questions, but after a while it was all 'if you were a whatever, what would you be.' Is it weird that they asked me what kind of shovel I wanted to be?"

- State and Jackson

-- Submitted by Belle

A banana?

Woman: (on cell) "Hi. Hi. Hello. Hello. Hi sweety. Hiiii. Boo boo boo. What does a banana say? Hello. Hello. Hi there. Hello. Hello. Did you eat lunch? Yum yum yum. Hello. Okay. Bye."

- Metra South Shore

-- Submitted by Romeo

What do you mean

Woman: (on cell) "I'm almost done vomiting so can you pick me up after I get off the bus?"

- Belmont Bus

-- Submitted by Michelle

Did you get there in a helicopter?

Irate Customer: "Why do you advertise something you don't carry? I had a flight earlier today, had to fight for a parking space, and have a flight tomorrow morning. I don't have time for this. Where's my catalog? What did you do with my catalog?!"

- Bloomingdale's, Oak Brook

-- Submitted by DL

Money says no mobster were around.

Attorney: "Some mobsters are just retarded."

- Daley Center, Concourse Level Pedway

-- Submitted by Super Paralegal

The air probably escaped into your head.

Man: (on cell) "It was just too general a question. The tire wasn't truly flat. It was more 'de-aired.' If it were flat, it would look flat. This one had a little air in it, so I tried to tell the guy. He got all mad saying I have a flat tire. No way. If a tire has air, it isn't flat. Hole or no hole. That guy was a dope."

- Lou's Diner

-- Submitted by Zo

And she gets her facial features from the UPS guy.

Woman: "She just dances all the time."

Man: "And sings."

Woman: "She must get that from your side of the family."

Man: "Probably, because she was too full of 'bitch' from your side."

- Old Orchard Shopping Center

-- Submitted by Wendy

If by oatmeal you mean sugar and fat.

Girl: (on cell) "I'm waiting for the shuttle. Yeh, I haven't eaten today. I'm SOOOO hungry! But I'm eating a Kit-Kat right now and that has like, oatmeal in it, right?"

- Loyola Lakeshore Campus

-- Submitted by B

At least they talked to you.

Large Girl: "I just wish I was popular."

Friend: "Oh my God! You should totally go to China. They go crazy for blue eyed blondes over there."

Large Girl: "No. I've been there. They just went for my skinny friends and asked me to hold the camera and take the picture."

- Union Station

-- Submitted by Yessica

Yeah, that's pretty bad.

Office Guy #1: "I'm trying to come up with the most disgusting manger ever."

Office Guy #2: "Like?"

Office Guy #1: "I'm trying to find a statue of Santa holding Jesus."

Office Guy #3: "If you want to get 'disgusting,' you need to find one where Mary is giving Jesus a rusty trombone while Santa watches. Now THAT is disgusting."

- 333 W. Wacker

-- Submitted by Jer

Yeah, that's pretty bad. Part 2.

Girl: (on cell) "Peter. You're wrong. You're dead wrong and I win. There is nothing more horrifying than seeing a picture of your dad, naked with an erection, with your mom sitting next to him in said picture, pointing and smiling."

- Red Line

-- Submitted by Rachey

It's only 7 degrees, people. It's still T-shirt weather 'round here.

Student: "Goddammit! After this, I'm going to law school in Hawaii. Or Miami. Yea, fucking Miami."

- Loyola Lakeshore Campus

-- Submitted by Lisa

Must have an important meeting.

Calm Guy: "GOD DAMNIT! I'm so sick of this damn line. Every time I get off the train, I have to deal with you morons and this logjam at the stairs. ORDERLY FASHION! ORDERLY! Why is that so hard to understand. I should karate chop all you idiots in the throat."

- Union Station

-- Submitted by JC

Biscotti mush for you, ma'am.

Employee: "I make these at home for my mother, but I don't cook them as long."

Older lady: "Why not?"

Employee: "They hurt my teeth."

Older lady: "Well, I don't have any teeth!"

- Washington College Cafe

-- Submitted by Mahrya

I like to call it "Man Musk." Okay. Okay. I don't shower.

Client: "Sorry if I smell. I didn't put more deodorant on when I woke up this morning."

Trainer: "I wonder if I smell? I took a shower last night before bed, and I forgot to put on deodorant too. UGH! I smell like the monkey cage at the zoo."

- Crunch Fitness on North Ave.

-- Submitted by Dizzy

You might be late for work. By 100 years.

Train Guy #1: "Dude. DUDE! That's Mary Steenburgen!"

Train Guy #2: "What? Who?"

Train Guy #1: "That Back to the Future chick. The one that was doing Doc!"

Train Guy #2: "A: No it's not. B: If it is, why would she be on a Metra without camera rolling. C: We better not start time traveling in this thing."

- Metra Union Pacific Northwest

-- Submitted by Bullucks

It has been an up and down economy.

Father: "He just wants so much high priced stuff. I can't afford it."

Guy: "So what are you going to do?"

Father: "Well. I felt stupid telling him that Santa doesn't exist. He loves Santa. I just told him Santa's business isn't doing as well this year, so he had to lay off a bunch of elves."

- 55 E. Jackson

-- Submitted by Will

At least they don't leave their blinkers on.

Guy: "I went to that new Asian supermarket by my house."

Lady: "Yeah? Good stuff?"

Guy: "Yeah. But you know how when you go to the market, there's that one asian lady who always blocks the aisles and seems to follow you everywhere? Imagine that, but times a million."

- Madison and Riverside

-- Submitted by Yo Joe

Remember to sleep with a towel.

Girl: (on cell) "I'm going to have a blood test. EPT? All I know is that I better wake up in a big pool of period blood tomorrow."

- Sheridan and Belle Plaine

-- Submitted by Katie

Superman? Is that you?

Guy #1: "Did you see that chick? Holy crap was she hot!"

Guy #2: "How could you tell? She was wearing a million layers of clothes."

Guy #1: "I just know these things man. It's like God's gift to me."

Guy #2: "So he gave you X-RAY vision?"

Guy #1: "Something like that."

Guy #2: "Did you have to trade in your brain for that, retard?"

- Michigan Ave

-- Submitted by Creatin

Dear Marriott: Please fire this employee.

Traveler: "Can you tell me where the Steppenwolf is?"

Front Desk: "Is that a restaurant?"

- Courtyard Marriott on Ontario

-- Submitted by Ted

Snowstorms are the #1 cause of hair related death.

Teen #1: "Why weren't you in school on Friday?"

Teen #2: "Hello? Did you see the weather? I'm not going out in that."

Teen #1: "It wasn't that bad. "

Teen #2: "I just washed my hair and I was NOT going to have it freeze and then break off my head. It was just too dangerous."

- West Suburban High School

-- Submitted by Yay Gym!

Unless she want's scrambled eggs.

Man: (on cell) "No. That's ridiculous. If you want breakfast in the morning, grabbing my testicles is not a good way to get me to do it."

- Green Line

-- Submitted by Claire

Tasty.

Woman: "Ugh. You hand reeks!"

Man: (sniff) "It does?"

Woman: "Yeah. It smells like crotch."

Man: "Well. It is my peein' hand!"

- Metra Milwaukee District North Line

-- Submitted by Janice

Reason #1 why you should not be a parent.

Woman #1: "...and the kid was just sitting there, beating her with her glasses case."

Woman #2: "What did she do?"

Woman #1: "She was ASKING her to stop! Asking her! The kid was like five! If that was my kid, I would have taken the case, whipped it at her head, smacked her around, and then said 'You going to stop now?'"

- Pink Line

-- Submitted by Dame

Everyone has their own visceral reactions.

Girl: (On cell) "His girlfriend cheated on him, so he's going home to have lunch with her."

- UIC University Hall

-- Submitted by Suchie

Mine are done at two. Three is just wacky.

Dude: (on cell) "CHELSEA! My day is done! I woke up, I danced, I took my tests, I drank three cosmos. The day is OVER!"

- Broadway and Belmont

-- Submitted by Tyler

That's not as good as Niacin.

Woman: "It smells really good!"

Man: "Like what?"

Woman: "Like vitamins. Maybe vitamin C."

- Midway Airport

-- Submitted by Alex

But, they're so sweet and tasty....for poop.

Woman: "Well. Because the waste all goes through the intestines. That's why it's bad to eat, like chitlins and stuff."

- University of Chicago

-- Submitted by Arlenna

Touche, my friend. Touche.

Girl 1: "Look! Oprah's on the cover of her magazine again!"

Girl 2: "She's like some kind of egomaniac! It's disgusting."

Girl 1: "Well, it is her magazine."

Girl 2: "Well, you don't see the owner of (looks around) PEOPLE on the cover every day!"

- Dominick's, Broadway and Sheffield

-- Submitted by Secret Chris

How about not eating at White Hen?

Girl 1: "How can I lose TEN pounds in a week?!"

Girl 2: "Stop eating."

Girl 1: "No, I love to eat."

- White Hen, Sheffield and Diversey

-- Submitted by W

Apparently, beggars can be choosers.

Homeless Guy: "Excuse me, could I please have some change? Anyone? Please?"

Lady: (gives the guy some chips) "Here."

Homeless Guy: "Are you sure you don't have some change? These aren't too good for me. They're way too salty and unhealthy..."

- Red Line (yes, there can be homeless people on the train)

-- Submitted by Budzy

Easy Mom. Having her mark her territory will make the lions angry.

Mom: "Zora, you need to go pee."

Zora: "No pee!"

Mom: "Zora, if you don't go potty, the animals will get you."

- Brookfield Zoo

-- Submitted by Spinner

They then crushed beer cans on their foreheads.

Chick: "I watched 'Grease' last night."

Guy: "Oh my god! ME TOO!"

Chick: "Oh my God! I LOVE 'Grease!'"

Guy: "OH MY GOD! ME TOO!"

Chick: "Hula!"

- BeBoBa Bubble Tea Shop

-- Submitted by Anonymous

This guy has the past in perspective.

Older Guy: "I'm bringing all the motown classics back. James Brown, now there was a guy who could sing and make a great song without all the nastiness that's with today's music. He talked about making love, but in a romantic way, you know?"

Younger Guy: "Hell yeah, bro! James Brown got mad pussy! He da pimp!"

- Red Line, Garfield

-- Submitetd by JS

Right. So they could at least have a "C" in the name.

Tourist #1: "This looks good, but is it Chicago style?"

Native: "Ladies. Is the name of the restaurant Chicago Pizza Kitchen?"

Tourist #2: "No. California Pizza Kitchen."

Native: "Then what's the problem?"

Tourist #1: "We just don't know if it's Chicago style pizza. Every pizza in Chicago is Chicago style."

Native: "Then why do you think it's called California Pizza Kitchen?"

Tourist #1: "They can't have every pizza place start with the word Chicago, so they picked California."

- Outside of CPK on Ohio St.

-- Submitted by Dizzy

So do you like it or not?

Guy: (sips water) "UGH! This water doesn't taste right. It's taste's like I thawed a chicken in it. It tastes like I'm going to get sick."

- Downtown Office

-- Submitted by The Capt

He said connoisseur, not alcoholic.

Dude: "That guy is a real wine connoisseur."

Girl: "HE'S a real connoisseur? Did HE get kicked out of a sorority for drinking wine?"

- Clark and Addison

-- Submitted by Andy

Oh. THAT Mary.

Girl: "What's that poster for?"

Guy: "The Nativity. You know. Mary? Who got knocked up by GOD?"

- Division Bus

-- Submitted by Eavesdropper

(Drum fill)

Guy #1: "You know why they call him 'Pacman,' right?"

Guy #2: "No, why?"

Guy #1: "Because he eats balls."

- Joe's, O'hare

-- Submitted by Smiley

At least he called her a lady.

Guy: "Please just let me go punch that lady in the face!"

- Michigan Ave. Festival of Lights

-- Submitted by Stephanie

Congratulations, Sir. You must have charmed them off.

(Man walking out of an apparent business meeting)

Man: (on cell) "I GOT HER PANTS!"

- Northbrook

-- Submitted by Big Gay Mule

Have a Happy Thanksgiving Weekend!!!

Yesterday? He's been waiting since 1994!

Guy #1: "Did you hear they shortened the movie title?"

Guy #2: "No."

Guy #1: "Yeah. It was originally Casino Royale With Cheese."

Guy #2: (to random) "He's apparently been working on the joke since 2 o'clock yesterday."

- Downtown Theater, in line for the new Bond Movie

-- Submitted by ecobox

We aren't just meat! We're human beings!

Girl #1: "So did you hook up with him?"

Girl #2: "No! He was so freakin' ugly!"

Girl #1: "Who cares!? You can't see his face while he's eating you out!"

- Grace St.

-- Submitted by Pegasus Surprise

1+1+53=3

Girl: "I hate Eli Manning!"

Guy: "Yeah. He's a fag."

Girl: "How many 'fags' are in the NFL."

Guy: "I don't know. Three. Eli Manning, Jeff Garcia, and..."

Girl: "The San Fransisco 49ers?"

- Champp's in Skokie

-- Submitted by Pop

Taste that? It's bitter.

Girl #1: "...I mean, I guess what I miss the most about him is lying in bed at night and him keeping me warm."

Girl #2: "Get a fucking blanket."

- Starbuck's, Armitage and Sheffield

-- Submitted by lpjess

No. It doesn't. Bitch.

Girl: "Well, if it makes you feel any better, I spent 2 hours this morning skinning the labia major of my body."

- Potbelly's, Taylor and Ashland

-- Submitted by Beth

Mmmm....formaldehyde.

Guy #1: "Oh my god!!! WHO WAS IN THERE?!"

Guy #2: "When you gotta go, you gotta go."

Guy #1: "But you don't have to leave rotting corpses in there after you. Did you perform an autopsy in there or something?"

- UIC Dorm, Commons West

-- Submitted by Sparky

Not as big as Luxembourg!

Girl: "I can teach you English if you teach me Asian. How do you say 'I love you' in Asian?"

Asian Guy: "Asia is a continent. I'm Thai; from Thailand, which is a country in Asia."

Other Guy: "How many people are in Asia?"

Girl: "He just said Asia is a continent. It's big, like the United States. It's got all these cities like the U.S."

Other Guy: "I know that! But I wanna know how many people are in it. Like I know China is small, but Korea is big."

- Red Line, near Addison

-- Submitted by Bmannes

That's why he didn't vote.

Guy: "I'm a white male. Politics don't effect me."

- Loyola, Rogers Park

-- Submitted by Chris

Northwestern: Where students have everything in perspective.

Student #1: "I just got a grade on a math midterm that, if I got that grade in breathing, I'd be dead."

Student #2: "So, like, a C+?"

- Northwestern University

-- Submitted by Amanda

Nepotism, narcolepsy, it's all the same. Letters are really meaningless.

Woman: (on cell) I don't know. I think I have that thing, it was in that movie, where you fall asleep randomly. You know, like nepotism."

- Clark and Division

-- Submitted by Greg

This would fall into the "gross" category.

Guy: (on cell) "Yeah, that was something that shouldn'ta happened. Ya shouldn't mess with a cousin. But shit, that girl can fuck! I mean, damn, she can really fuck!"

- #6 Jackson Park Express

-- Submitted by Oedipus

At least she's responsible.

Woman: (on cell) "So when are you going to start having kids? This summer? No? Oh. You're going to start having them in September so you can drink during the summer. Yeah. That does sound like good family planning."

- Loyola "L" Stop

-- Submitted by Apeface

My mom says this all the time. For different reasons though.

Brother: "Yeah? It's YOU. YOU smell like ass."

Sister: "Your mom smells like ass."

Brother: "YOUR mom smells like ass."

Mom: "I hate you guys."

- Michigan Ave.

-- Submitted by Lizz

That's a solid defense.

Woman: "I can vouch for him. He was never part of my graduating class. Therefore, he was never arrested."

- Kenmore and Rosemont

-- Submitted by Confused

I'm in need of help.

Please read this: I would really appreciate the help.

Z

No. Way.

Mother: "Let's put the toy back in your backpack."

Son: "How about we put it...ummm...in YOUR VAGINA!"

- Fullerton Ave.

-- Submitted by B

Yes. That's EXACTLY the problem.

Woman: "I'm telling you: this kid is so cute she thinks she can get away with everything by batting her eyelashes."

Man: "That's the problem with kids, nowadays. They think they own the damn world. I say to hell with 'em."

- Grant Park

-- Submitted by Leila

I believe I don't believe it.

Girl: "I feel like I'm a burden to you."

Guy: "You're not a burden. Well, yeah, you are sort of a burden."

Girl: "But, we still love each other right?"

Guy: (walks away)

Girl: (on cell) "You won't believe what this asshole said and then didn't say to me!"

- Michigan Ave.

-- Submitted by Stagalicious

No reason, really. He just kinda felt like it.

Student #1: "Wait. Who's Rumsfeld? It says 'Bush announces Rumsfeld resigns.' Who's Rumsfeld?"

Student #2: "He's the Secretary of Defense."

Student #1: "Oh. Why did he resign?"

- Loyola University Library

-- Submitted by Treecha

Respect for professionals.

Guy: "I just saw my dentist for the first time in 6 years. He said, 'Everything looks good except for a few cavities on one side.' I was like, 'You're the one who fucked up my retainer and forced me to chew on one side of my mouth for the rest of my life, you little bitch!'"

- Chicago Federal Reserve

-- Submitted by Shhhh!

Letting him down easy.

Man: "But, baby, I don't want us to end. We've been through so much. I love you."

Woman: "You're a fucktard. Bye."

- United Center

-- Submitted by Shabazz

Nothing like sympathy to get you through death.

Woman: (on cell) "You're dying? Well. Would you like some spaghetti while you're dying?"

- Brownstone's, DePaul, Lincoln Campus

-- Submitted by Deborah

Me. Ow.

Girl #1: "Maybe I should have dressed as a pinata. Then we'd actually have something to do at this house party."

Girl #2: "Well, you aren't dressed like a pinata, but I'd be more than happy to beat you with a stick."

- Milwaukee and Damen

-- Submitted by Pegasus Surprise

Well, it is a class about sleep studies.

Student: "And I love how she was sassing me about being late. I haven't been late that much. And maybe if her class wasn't such a snore-fest, I might want to be there for the whole thing!"

- Loyola, Water Tower Campus

-- Submitted by B

Out today.

Sorry about the lack of posts today. I had to get out the door early. I'll make a triumphant return on Monday. In the mean time, make me a happy camper and buy a shirt or something. Or you could add me as a friend on MySpace.

Thanks,

Z

Those are called sundaes.

Woman #1: "I've been downing parfaits left and right. They're delicious!"

Woman #2: "Do you prefer strawberry yogurt or plain? What about granola?"

Woman #1: "I usually have them with ice cream. And whipped cream."

- Washington and Wells

-- Submitted by Kinny

It's strictly for comfort purposes!

Woman: "Damn it! I'm so mad he looks better in women's lingerie than I do!"

- N. Michigan Ave.

-- Submitted by Lisa

Nothing says commitment like slappin' different ho's.

Woman: (on cell) "Is you is or is you ain't my man? Well if you is then why you be gettin' arrested? If you was my man you would stop messin with that ho, whoopin' her ass, and then gettin' arrested!"

- Red Line

-- Submitted by Mahrya

They must have been jumping over canyons.

(Group of 20-something black guys dressed in normal clothing on the Saturday before Halloween)

Drunk white guy:"Hey look, they're all dressed as Kanye West!"

- McDonald's, Fullerton/Halsted/Lincoln

-- Submitted by Tim

Gay guys can be so bitchy sometimes.

Guy: "So this little whore is trying to get with my ex just to hurt me, so I'm just going to tell [my ex] that he has AIDS."

- Loyola Lakeshore Campus

-- Submitted by B

Don't forget to add me to your friends list on MySpace!

Yay for this mom.

Mom: "You are not getting a cell phone because you are 5 YEARS OLD!!"

- Northside Target

-- Submitted by Mondo

Seriously? You keep up a good facade.

Girl: (yells) "I LOVE HENESSEY!" (stops yelling) "Bye Bitch. So anyway my life is totally not together right now."

- Loyola University

-- Submitted by Can't Believe It

ATTENTION WHORE!

Woman: "Whenever someone says they're in P.R. or advertising, I'm like, 'Wow, you just got more interesting.'"

- Red Line

-- Submitted by Qazzz

Three miles? I usually go 10 feet. Then collapse. And eat.

Girl 1: "Oh my god! I can't believe I got two doughnuts! I am going to be SO FAT!"

Girl 2: (laughs) "Do you remember last week when we ran three miles instead of eatting?"

Girl 1: "Yeah, that was so awesome."

- Downtown Dunkin Donuts

-- Submitted by Apeface

He's right. Just ask Carnie Wilson

Big Dude: "I just don't have a sense of self."

Buddy: "Yeah, you do. You've really been doing well."

Big Dude: "No. Being fat is not a sense of self. It's a sense of cake."

- Purple Line

-- Submitted by Cheese Soup

Kind of like trying acid...in sandwich form.

Mother: "C'mon Rachel! Get out of the car, open your mind, and try something new."

Kid: "Fine! But Corner Bakery is NOT the same as Panera!"

- Highland Park

-- Submitted by I Love the Northern 'Burbs

Wiggity.

Indian kid #1: "Shenil's blacker than you."

Indian Kid #2: "Yeah, but Krishna is blacker than both of us."

White Kid: "Nah. I'm the blackest one here, yo."

- North Suburban High School

-- Submitted by White and Nerdy

Back up, Missy. At least 10% did.

Girl: "Where do construction workers even learn how to do construction? It's not like they went to college."

- Red Line

-- Submitted by Marjorie

Best Program Ever.

Hot Chick: "I'm now in a 12 step program. I'm never more than 12 steps away from chocolate."

- Morton Grove

-- Submitted by Roar

Don't forget to check out The Myspace page or buy a cool item at The Shop!!

Except Grave Diggers.

Crazy: "I'm no spring chicken, you know. I'm 60 years old. I'm just five years away from retiring. And then, if you take that further, eventually the grave. Yes siree, I'll be in my grave. And then no one can get me!"

- 151 Bus

-- Submitted by (the aptly named) 151 Rider

Funny because it's true.

CTA PA: "Attention Riders: Brown Line trains are currently running normally. We apologize for the inconvenience."

- Montrose Brown Line Station

-- Submitted by Brenda

You should check out the man-eating dragon sitting next to you.

Stoner: "Dude. I am so high right now, this bus is freaking me out."

- 173 Bus

-- Submitted by Kate

The future of America....again.

Girl #1: "Amy's not going to meet us. She had a gynecologist appointment."

Girl #2: "Gynecologist. What a funny word. Try to say that ten times fast."

Girl #1: "Gynecologist, gynecologist, gynecologist, gynecologist."

Girl #2: "Gynecologist."

Girl #1: "Hey! I should try to fit my hand in my mouth."

- Red Line

-- Submitted by Mahrya

This girl can't read. Or is into S/M.

Girl #1: "It's just so totally exciting."

Girl #2: "Yeah. It is. They're huge."

Girl #1: "It's going to be the best job ever."

Girl #2: "Your DREAM job."

Girl #1: "I can only hope it's as good as that Devil Wears Prada book."

- Red Line

-- Submitted by Jannette

I hate those cold Argentinian winters!

Girl #1 : "I think my sister is going to Argentina."

Girl #2: "Really? Isn't it going to be cold? She will freeze!"

Girl #1: "Huh? What are you talking about?"

Girl #2: "Isn't Argentina in Alaska?"

- Michigan and Wacker

-- Submitted by Ear

Updates Soon

It's been a hell of a morning.

They'll probably share it with you, anyway.

Pothead: "Dude! I held a pound of weed once for a guy. It was the most weed I had ever had, but it was for some serious dudes, so we didn't mess with the stuff"

- Brown Line

-- Submitted by Tina

But who will laugh at you when you come up empty?

Angry Wife: "Dammit Rob, I don't want to go to that party. We can go bobbing for apples at home!"

- Pier 1 on Broadway

-- Submitted by Maria

Being a guy officially rules.

(Flush)

Girl 1: "Ewww!"

Girl 2: "Did you get water in your butt?"

- Dominican U. washroom

-- Submitted by Liz

Happy Halloween Everyone!

Girl #1: "...so I just don't know."

Girl #2: "There are SO many choices!"

Girl #1: "Yeah! I could go as a bird, or a lion, or an elephant, or a monkey. A muppet or a cartoon character. My favorite TV star. I could even go as..."

Random Guy: "Why don't you go as a fat, loud mouthed bitch? Oh wait. Too late."

- Green Line

-- Submitted by Pumpkin

Eleventh Commandment: Thou shalt not eat ice cream.

Middle Aged Woman: "I feel less sinful eating sorbet."

- Jewel-Osco, Broadway and Addison

-- Submitted by The Devil

I voted for Kerry. He was pro-"change."

Bum: "Hey, can you help a vet out with some change?"

Guy: "Sorry, don't have any."

Bum: "Damnit! I'm getting sick of hearing that bullshit! They got to get Bush out of office. Nobody carries around any change anymore!"

- Marathon - Mile 26

-- Submitted by A Magician Named Spork

More accurate than the Weather Channel.

Young Guy: "I mean, it ain't like, 'God Damn! It's fucking cold out!' It's more like, 'Shit Nigga. It's kinda cold.'"

- Red Line

-- Submitted by Chance

Halloween Humor Part 1

Girl: "What are you supposed to be?"

Guy: "Go away."

Girl: "Come on. I don't feel like guessing anymore."

Guy: "Fine. I'm dressed as that guy who doesn't want to be at this lame ass party talking to stupid whores."

- Waukegan

-- Submitted by Frank N. Wolf

Halloween Humor Part 2

Girl: "What are you going to go as?"

Guy: "I went as a fairy princess last year. I think I'm going to do that again."

Girl: "Oh! That's a great idea! But how are you going to hide your...you know...man-thing?"

- UIC Circle Campus Center

-- Submitted by Lola

Halloween Humor Part 3

Cocky frat guy: "I'm going as a penis for halloween."

Girlfriend (sarcastically): "Yeah. I'm sure you'll be the biggest man on campus."

- Loyola

-- Submitted by Maria

Yes. Yes he is.

Drunk Girl (to 2-year-old boy in his dad's arms): "Hey there, little guy! Are you as drunk as I am?"

- Roosevelt Metra Station

-- Submitted by Bunny

Add OIC as a friend on Myspace.

Getting poor one beer at a time.

Girl: "I would be soo rich if I didn't go out all the time!"

- Wabash and Madison

-- Submitted by Barney

5 fugs at the same time?

Girl 1: "Ohmigod, I made out with like, 5 people last night!"

Girl 2: "Ohmigod, 6?"

Girl 3: "5?"

Girl 4: "Well, out of 5 guys at least one must've been cute!"

- Belmont L Platform

-- Submitted by R

Ink. Lubrication. Fix?

Dude: "No. The lock is friggin' broke, man. I can't fix it."

Genius: "Have you tried using a pen or something to rig it?"

Dude: "Yeah. I tried a pen. Right after the GOD DAMN KEY DIDN'T WORK. Idiot."

- Metra

-- Submitted by Terry

Must be psychic.

Girl: "That guy's crazy! I just saw his life flash before my eyes."

- State and Madison

-- Submitted by Starzero

40? 30 is when everything goes downhill!

Old Lady: "I talked to the lawyer in our building about keeping them from renting to 20 year old kids. I mean how do they afford living in our building or our area? i think they put their rent on a credit card. What's the limit on credit cards?"

Friend: "I don't know, I think it varies."

Old Lady: "Well I bet that's what they do. I bet they keep charging and charging and then can never pay it off."

Friend: "You think they'd pay it off to get ahead."

Old Lady: "Well that's kids for you. Our place was better when it had old people. Not old as in old, but old as in 40."

- 143 Bus

-- Submitted by Dizzy

Nope. Rental companies like losing money.

Out-of-towner: (on cell) "Yes. Hi. I can't seem to remember what car I was driving. I lost my parking ticket and need to know the license plate number. Yes, I have the rental agreement. Okay. Okay. Oh. The one that says car type and plate #. And you believe these to be correct?"

- Park One on Wabash and Congress

-- Submitted by Joan

Carefree times, my pitoot.

Kid #1: "One lil', two lil', three lil' indians."

Kid #2: "They're arabs, you moron."

- Lincoln Park

-- Submitted by dat ho

And the skies said "You're a moron!"

Guy: "I wasn't pregnant yesterday, but then I looked up at the clouds."

- State and Lake

-- Submitted by Special K

The head cheerleader, two years later.

Drunk Chick: "Anyyyy of you guys goin' to see The Frey? Well you guys allll suck!!! Hey, you! You were in my social psychology class, right? Yeah, I thought I knew you from that class. I never talked to anyone. I guess I'm not very social."

- Redline

-- Submitted by Displaced Southsider

But then you'd be eating them.

Dude: "Great. $23 to see roaches. I could go to a restaurant for that."

- Shedd Aquarium

-- Submitted by Jesse

I hope your shoes have a green card.

Girl: (on cell) "So like yeah, whatever mom. They're cool shoes. I got them before Nordstrom! My taxi shoes rock. MOOOM!! They're cool. Yes I said TAXI. But they don't look like I'm wearing a car on my feet."

- 143 Bus

-- Submitted by Dizzy

Girls NEVER pretend to be drunk. Ever.

"Drunk" College Girl: "Man, I'm so drunk I can't even read that Popeye's sign.

Friend: "You just did."

"Drunk" college girl: "Popeyeyeyeyeye's."

- Near Loyola University

-- Submitted by L

Great. Now it's freaking ruined!

Girl #1: "Boy, it's freezing out here!"

Girl #2: "I have a fireplace at my new apartment!"

Girl #1: "You should totally use it. You invite a cute boy over and cuddle with a nice glass of wine."

Girl #2: "No, I don't think I'm going to use it. It looks like there's been a fire in it."

- Michigan Ave.

-- Submitted by Nay Nay

Hi. I'm non-sequitur. Have we met?

Guy #1: "This is, like, a very European store."

Guy #2: "I blame catwoman."

- Ikea, Schaumburg

-- Submitted by Ellen

Happy Ending! HAPPY ENDING!

Woman #1: "What are you thinking of being for Halloween?"

Woman #2: "I don't know, my husband's so picky about everything. One year I was a geisha and he was a samurai. I'm thinking of doing that again."

Woman #1: "Why not? Everybody loves a geisha!"

- Lakeview

-- Submitted by Angry Little Asian Girl

Because you're an idiot.

Girl: (looking at Sears Tower) "Why is the top of the Eiffel Tower pink?"

- UIC

-- Submitted by Molly

Wrong. Just wrong.

Woman #1: "Are you going to go?"

Woman #2: "I don't know. They told me to bring the sexiest guy I know."

Woman #1: "So?"

Woman #2: "The only guy I can think of bringing is my brother. He's pretty damn sexy."

- Aon Center Elevator

-- Submitted by MoMo

I don't know. Planned Parenthood?

Woman: "The guys here are SO nice. I mean, where else could you buy a pregnancy test and the next day they ask you if it was positive of negative?"

- Park Place Market

-- Submitted by (the aptly named) Park Place Resident

I'm glad we had this talk, son.

Little Boy: "You mean I used to be a sperm?"

Dad: "Yep."

Little Boy: "And I raced all the other sperms?"

Dad: "That's right."

Little Boy: "And I won the race!"

- Museum of Science and Industry

-- Submitted by L

Must be Nickelodeon Slime.

Girl: "Eww did you get it on me?"

Girl: "You did! I can feel it! Its all oozy and disgusting!"

Girl: "Do you think it has AIDS?"

- Loyola Dorms

-- Submitted by Mute

Awww. You're cute. And stupid.

Girl: "So, like what's your professionalism?"

Guy: "What do you mean?"

Girl: "Oh, I just meant like what's your job?"

Girl: "I'm actually a good cook."

Guy: "Really?"

Girl: "Yeah, I've cooked for many a..uh..many a...um..."

Guy: "Person?"

Girl: "YEAH! Like, people."

- Brown Line

-- Submitted by Erin

I guess wings are the only thing Red Bull gives you.

Guy: (on cell) "I'm sorry I did not last very long last night. Usually when I have a Red Bull I have a lot more endurance. What do you mean it was a mistake?"

- 77 Bus, Belmont

-- Submitted by JD

Yup. I'm sure she looked exactly the same when it was written.

Girl: "That's probably who Baby Got Back was written about."

- Western Ave.

-- Submitted by Yelena

Most romantic 10 minutes of her life.

Girl: (on cell) "So we were sitting there, near the tent, and he tries to put his arm around me. I'm like, 'Hello! We broke up.' So he tells me it's just to warm me up. Ten minutes later, we're having sex. I bet you he just took me camping to get laid. (pause) Well, yeah. Probably 10 times."

- Green Line

-- Submitted by Boku

Don't forget to check out the shop and the myspace page!!!

Indentured Servititude or Slavery? YOU Decide.

Businessman: "So my company had this guy interning this summer. Number one student in China out of 500 kids in his Beijing University. Anyway, he is in Chicago now, getting his PhD at U Chicago. We can use his services anytime. Just buy him a cup of coffee and he is ours."

- Purple Line

-- Submitted by Rita

Drunk guy = funny

(On red line during a stop)

Drunk dude: (wakes up panicked) "THE TRAIN! SHE RUN OUTTA GAS!"

- Red Line - Armitage

-- Submitted by Brett

Than 'downtown' part was just a joke.

Girl: "So where are you guys going tonight?"

Guy: "Some bars downtown. Maybe Wrigleyville."

Girl: "Wow. Why go all the way out to Wrigleyville? That suburb is so far!"

- Blue Line

-- Submitted by Sully

They're nipping crime in the bud.

Guy: "What kind of police academy failure do you have to be to get relegated to Forest Preserve Police Officer?"

Girl: "What do they do all day?"

Guy: "They try to stop tree on tree violence."

- Skokie Forest Preserve

-- Submitted by Zion

Would you prefer Dennis Hastert?

Professor: "I don't want to die choking on Donald Rumsfeld!"

- Chicago-Kent Legal Writing Class

-- Submitted by Julz

What's the female version of 'complete and total idiot.'

Guy: "I'm looking for the female version of the word 'phallic.'"

Girl: "It's 'vulvic' isn't it?"

- Green Eye

-- Submitted by Chris

Newsflash: It happens anyway

Girl: "I don't know, these pants look too tight and my ass looks huge. I don't want a bunch of 15 and 16-year olds fantasizing about their teacher."

- Forever 21

-- Submitted by Lindsay

And the mind of a jester.

Woman #1: "We gettin' out of here. NOW!"

Woman #2: "I want breakfast!"

Woman #1: "We ain't buyin' no food from no liars."

Woman #2: "What?"

Woman #1: "They sayin' this free sample is strawberry cream cheese and it ain't! It's definitely raspberry. You can't fool me. I have the tongue of a queen."

- Panera on Congress Parkway

-- Submitted by Julie

Don't forget to check out the OIC MySpace page. Less lameness, coming soon.

Heaven has a lot of traffic. And corn.

Guy: (on cell) "Israel is Babylon and the United States is Heaven and they can't get in! Israel is Babylon! Holy Shit!"

- Redline

-- Submitted by Elora

Baffling.

Hysterical Woman: "I ain't no ho! I ain't no drug addict! I had kids! The reason I had more kids is cuz they came and took my kids away from me!"

- Outside of Ann Sather's on Belmont

-- Submitted by Grace

Eliteracy iz nu skool.

Mom: "Here, read this."

Son: (Swipes it away.) "Mo-om! Books are old-school!"

- Chicago Public Library

-- Submitted by R

Smell that? Because it smells like stupid.

Girl: (on cell) "...and I've been feeling really stupid lately. I can't hold on to anything. I can't remember anything. It's like I get dumber by the day. Is there such a thing as adult onset Down's Syndrome?"

- Purple Line

-- Submitted by Kylie

Interesting because of the stubble?

Girl: "All of the women here are really interesting looking."

Flamboyant Man: "Sweetie, that's because most of them are men."

- Boystown

-- Submitted by David

Only after magic dust is sprinkled on them so they can get their wings.

Frat boy #1: "Hey man, where'd all the clouds go?"

Frat boy #2: (most earnestly) "I think they disintegrated."

Frat boy #3: (Pointing to the horizon) "You assholes. They're right over there. Clouds MOVE."

Frat boy #1: "Clouds move?"

- Lincoln Park near the lake

-- Submitted by Erin

No. Way.

Girl: "She had two vaginas, but one was a false one."

- Loyola Lake Shore Campus

-- Submitted by Kiwi Tom

By placenta, I hope she means flowers.

Woman: "Come on! We've been invited to bury the placenta in the backyard."

- Logan Square

-- Submitted by Olivia

It's still funny in 2006.

(Valet slips on a banana peel)

Passerby: "Dude! That's SOO 1920's!"

- Southport and Fullerton

-- Submitted by Mel

To his defense, they both have ghosts.

Passenger #1: "Oh look, there's another nice golf course."

Passenger #2: "Dude, that's a cemetary."

- Southwest flight over Chicago

-- Submitted by Melime

1985 WORLD CHAMPS!!! WOOOOOOOOOO!!!!

Man in Payton Jersey: "You Seattle fans are idiots! Stop living in
the past, man!"

- Soldier Field after the Seattle game

-- Submitted by Cris

Good thing. You don't want a black eye.

Lady: "No man has ever hit me; I've been choked and shot at, but a man has never hit me!"

- Western Bus

-- Submitted by Sarah

Hey Guys and Gals. Don't forget to visit the store and get some cool stuff.

Especially when you eat it.

Woman: "It's just like the one you eat, only the taste is different..."

- Miska's

-- Submitted by Maruska

DAMN YOU UNREALISTIC BARBIE!!!

Girl: (on cell) "I really don't want to talk right now. I just had a really, really terrible thing happen to me at H&M. No, it was just that I couldn't find anything I wanted to buy because nothing looked good on me, and then I started to have body issues."

- Chicago and Wabash

-- Submitted by Simone

The new Father of Philosophy.

Suit #1: "You are so lucky! Next time, he will KILL you. Rip your head off and KILL you."

Suit #2: "Yeah, you don't do that to the big cheese, man."

Suit #3: "Eh. Life's too short to live long."

- 900 N. Michigan

-- Submitted by Miles

Pretty much.

Girl #1: "Did you tell him you bought a dress for homecoming?"

Girl #2: "Yeah, but he didn't care at all."

Girl #1: "That's because he has a penis."

- Metra

-- Submitted by JW

I have no idea what this means. I must be getting old.

Boy #1: "Aw, man! Shut up! Your Dad drives a taxi for a living."

Boy #2: "Yeah? Well, my Momma told yo’ Momma not to use that relaxer on her head when she was pregnant, and now look at you!"

- McDonalds on Clark and Drummond

-- Submitted by Jennifer

The wonderful world of dads.

Young Kid: "Daddy? What do they do if someone doesn't pay?"

Dad: "The driver will kick him."

Young Kid: "Really?"

Dad: "Well, no. The driver will pick him up and shove him out the window."

- 56 Milwaukee Bus

-- Submitted by BusRider

Wait. What is she?

Guy: "Hey! YOU! You're dressed like a whore! Whore, whore, whore, whore, slutty whore, whore. You're a whorey, whorey whore! DAMN KIDS ALL LOOK LIKE WHORES! Whore!"

- Ohio Street

-- Submitted by Brian

Which he'll use to stop the damn bus.

(Bus driver passes requested stop)

Guy: "Winchester! Excuse me, WINCHESTER!"

Wannabe Cowboy: "Now that's a damned good rifle."

- 78 Montrose Bus

-- Submitted by Shane

Hi. I'm TiVo. Have we met?

Woman: "I"m going to miss Gray's Anatomy this week. I totally hate myself."

- Brown Line

-- Submitted by Eeeeevon

Didn't these terms die in the 80's?

Teen: "Get off me you Yuppie!"

Guy: "I'm not a Yuppie."

Teen: "Yeah, sure."

Guy: "I'm a Yuffie, kid."

Teen: "Yuffie?"

Guy: "Young Urban Fisherman."

- Brown Line

-- Submitted by Eavesdropper

Role reversal.

Girl: (screaming after guy bumps into her) "I just touched your boobs! They were great!"

- Wrigleyville

-- Submitted by Big Mama

Who can resist a banjo?

Man: "So I was in my underwear and the banjo was just sitting there, so I said to myself, what the heck, I might as well play it."

- Viaduct Theater

-- Submitted by Spiff

Saved from embarrasment.

Wendy's Employee: "I apologize but our Credit card machine is down, so it is cash only."

Wendy's Customer: "That's OK, I got bad credit anyway."

- Wendy's on Clark and Madison

-- Submitted by 10withamop

Then you must be a CEO.

Businesswoman: "You tell my husband I am a BUSINESSWOMAN. I can buy my OWN sequins."

- Ashland Ave

-- Submitted by Spiff

Yeah. Funny.

(Two girls watching elevator "news" screen)

Girl #1: "When I think of islands, I think of Hawaii!"

Girl #2: "Me too! What's funny is that they're 5 hours behind us, but it take 8 hours to fly there."

- Aon Center

-- Submitted by Stagalicious

You have Saturday and Sunday...sometimes.

New Businessman: "So I woke up at 5AM, showered, ate breakfast, got dressed, grabbed my briefcase and drove to the train station. I parked, got on the train, rode an hour downtown, and herded off the train with the rest of the cattle at Union Station. Walked in to work, said hi to my secretary, sat down and did what amounted to 8 hours of busy work. Left work at 5PM, herded back on the train, rode an hour home, got in my car, drove to my house, and didn't want to do anything but veg out and eat my macaroni and cheese. This is going to be the next 40 plus year of my life? FUCK my college degree."

- Metra/BNSF Line

-- Submitted by Cooper

Will buying a shirt or a hat really kill you? What if I started a design contest where the winner got a free shirt or something? Drop a comment and let me know if you'd be interested.

Idiot.

Girl: "Honey, look, they have free weefee! I want to try some weefee with my coffee."

Guy: "Babe, it's WiFi."

Girl: "Ok, FINE! I want to try some WiFi with my coffee."

- The Grind in Lincoln Square

-- Submitted by Dima

Drugs don't kill people. Drug dealers kill people.

Purple Robed Lady: "You're gonna get someone killed with your damn drug selling!"

- Damen and Warren

-- Submitted by dmb

They say being straightforward is what women want.

Suave Man: "Would you like some of my McDonalds?"

Woman: "No."

Suave Man: "How 'bout some of my Coke?"

Woman: "I said, no.

Suave Man: "OK, how about you sit on my dick?"

- Wilson and Sheridan

-- Submitted by Miles

It IS kind of awesome.

Jewish Guy: "No, man. It's perfect. You guys have to go confess and do Hail Mary's and rosary's and all kinds of crazy stuff every time you make a mistake. Jews? We sin and sin and sin, and then BAM! We're absolved in one day. It's awesome being one of the Chosen."

- Purple Line

-- Submitted by Harry

Why not buy a shirt or a mug so my 1 year old can get some warm clothes for the winter?

Perfect reason.

Woman #1: "Why is she staring at us?!"

Woman #2: "She went to detox! She can't stare at us!"

- Baja Fresh on N. Michigan

-- Submitted by curious

I'm sorry. What sorority did you say you were a part of?

Girl: "I'm just so sick and tired of playing musical hookups! I just want to settle down and end up in my bed every night."

- Redline

-- Submitted by Bluebum

Socrates? Is that you?

Guy #1: "I don't be looking at 'em. I just be looking at 'em."

Guy #2: "Right, right."

- 55th and Peoria

-- Submitted by Lou

Good point. Too bad your friend is an idiot.

Suit #1: "It's all about happiness, man. Think about it. You only have twenty four hours in a day. Sleep takes up 1/3 of that. Work takes up another 1/3. Throw in travel time and you now only have 6 hours a day do what you want. Figure an hour for dinner and you're down to five. If you aren't truly happy at home, nothing really matters workwise."

Suit #2: "Even if you're making millions? Because, I've gotta tell you, that makes me pretty happy."

Suit #1: "You're sad."

- Outside of City Hall

-- Submitted by Don

Better than "crappy."

Student: "I'm fermenting blueberries and blackberries. They smell so fermenty."

- Loyola Cafeteria

-- Submitted by conezone

Do NOT belittle Chicago's beer.

Dude: (on cell) "Let's get Old Style. That way no one will drink it."

- Daley Center

-- Submitted by Lonewolf

Nothing like arm candy.

Dude: "She could be sweet funny and intelligent, but if I can't take her to a party for three hours and leave her alone, that's a problem."

- Blue Line - Logan Square

-- Submitted by Darkling

But it's Grade A, right?

Man: "What kind of animal do you think that meat comes from? How many legs?"

Hipster: "4."

Man: "More."

Hipster: "10."

Man: "More."

Hipster: "100."

Man: "Wrong, it's zero. Earthworm. Your happy meal, not so happy."

- Blue Line

-- Submitted by Me (no, not me)

If you guys buy stuff, this little blurb will go away! Visit the store!

What happened to mints?

(Waiter brings out bill with a weight on top of it.)

Patron: "Is that a Pepperoncini?"

Waiter: "No sir, that is a rock."

Patron: "Oh."

- Flatwater

-- Submitted by Jillian

Kuala Lumpur and Taipei are kinda like New York, right?

Unimpressed Tourist: "This city is overrated. I mean, the Sears Tower? Big deal! There are about half a dozen buildings in New York taller than that."

- Chipotle on Ontario

-- Submitted by Julie

He's no Calvin Coolidge.

Sorority Girl #1: "I love Laura Bush. I think she's really pretty."

Sorority Girl #2: "I think George Bush is really hot. He's like one of those guys you'd see at a bar and I would totally go up to him and say 'Stop drinking.'"

- DePaul Student Center

-- Submitted by J.

Good thing she isn't allergic to stupid.

Girl: "...and he convinced me I was allergic to oranges. My favorite fruit!"

- Cafe Lula

-- Submitted by Lonewolf

It would have been cooler if you were the Terminator. In Moroccan.

Dude: "...and when I was in Morocco I was in this God-awful made-for-TV-movie where I played Moses."

- Ben's Noodles in Edgewater

-- Submitted by HNR

Only if you have liquids. Or boots.

Southern Tourist: "What? We don't check our luggage?"

- Clark and Lake 'L' Stop

-- Submitted by Kristen

Yup. Totally classy in Chicago.

Metra Girl: " Stop punching the back of my seat BITCH!"

Seat Puncher: "Excuse me?"

Metra Girl: "You heard me, Ho Bag."

- Metra North Line, Ravenswood

-- Submitted by Katherine

Master's degrees are important

Girl #1: "OH MY GOD! I haven't seen you in forever!"

Girl #2: "Seriously! What are you doing now?"

Girl #1: "Well, I just finished my master's degree in art and religion a year ago."

Girl #2: "Sounds awesome. What do you do with that?"

Girl #1: "Right now, I'm a dog walker. I'm hoping to become a groomer soon. It pays two more dollars an hour."

- Skokie Swift

-- Submitted by MoMo

Show Chicago that you're listening in! The gear is here!

Sure they do. They can run away.

Girl #1: "I hate when homeless people have dogs. I feel so sorry for them, they have to sleep on the concrete."

Girl #2: "You don't care that the people are homeless, just that they have homeless pets?"

Girl #1: "The dogs don't have a choice!"

- Clark and Van Buren

-- Submitted by Dumbfounded

Please be a female bartender. Please be a female bartender.

Guy: (on cell) "Dude, you're NOT going to go back and have sex with the bartender. Think about Janice!"

- Red Line

-- Submitted by Sid

Drunk people = funny

Drunk guy: "So, where are you from?"

Algerian Guy: "I am from Algeria.

Drunk guy: "Wow! I'm pretty good at geometry, but I don't where Algeria is."

- Getting into a cab near Lake Shore Drive

-- Submitted by Andy

Is he more attractive with beer goggles on?

Corner Preacher: "You don't need fornication and masturbation. Jesus will satisfy!"

- Outside of Old Navy on State

-- Submitted by Chi-Nanny

Loitering is cool, though.

Mom #1: "Girl, don't you see the sign? It says 'No Lottery in the Hallway.'"

Mom #2: "Fine, but I don't know why they care if I play lotto. Don't they get the monies?"

- West Side Elementary School

-- Submitted by JC

The rest is just metal and tires. Not worth a dime.

(Lady walks onto train with only her bicycle seat)

Guy: "What happened to the rest of your bike?"

Lady: "It got stolen."

Guy: "At least you have the nice part."

- Red Line

-- Submitted by T.C.

What happened to asking nicely?

Girl #1: "We need to get that 'bitch' pillow."

Girl #2: "Yeah! And put it on her bed!"

Girl #1: "Maybe she will get the hint and move out!"

Girl #2: "You know it. She is driving me mad!"

- Pet Boutique on State Street

-- Submitted by Bluebum

Damn positives.

Guy #1: "...some fruits are bad for you."

Guy #2: "Yeah. The have too much sugar, but the benefits outweight the positives."

- Blue Line - Harlem Stop

-- Submitted by Anthony

No, not mine. Mine. No. MINE!!!

Girl: (on cell) "We're here where are you? In front at the door? No we're in front. There's hardly anyone here and I dont' see you. What?!! Yeah we're at 'My Bar.' 'My Bar!' Oh, YOUR bar."

Guy: "See, I told you no one in there right mind would come here on purpose. This place is filled with people who thought they were meeting up with somone at 'their' bar."

- My Bar, 3555 N. Ashland Ave.

-- Submitted by JJ

Automatic out. Walking is for suckers.

Girl #1: "Wooo!!! Wooo!!!! Go White Sox!!! Hey, if there's 4 balls it's a walk, right?"

Girl #2: "Yeah."

Girl #1: "But what if there's already someone on base?"

- U.S. Cellular

-- Submitted by Rachel

Make the world a better place

Street wise vender: "One dollar is all it takes to keep me out of your house and the big house."

- Wacker and Madison

-- Submitted by Willy

Some Chicago girls are all class.

Angry Girl: "If anyone cuts in line while we walk over there I'm going to cut them. I'm not saying I adovcate violence. I'm just saying if I don't get on this shuttle I'm going to elbow and claw my way on."

- Loyola Water Tower Campus

-- Submitted by B

That's okay. They'll share.

Sandwich Lover: "Oooohhh! That looks good! I'll have what she's having!"

Subway Employee: "Do you want that one or do you want me to make you another one?"

- East Lakeview Subway

-- Submitted by Louweeza

Number? Use the Bat Signal!

Little Boy: "...but why can't I have my guns on here? I have to watch out for the bad guys! Bad guys are on trains!"

Woman: "If any bad guys come, we'll call the police."

Little Boy: "We should call Batman."

Woman: "I don't have Batman's number."

Little Boy: "You can get it off the Internet. Daddy gets everything off the Internet."

- Green Line

-- Submitted by Didi

Harder than the MCAT's

Woman: "My friend wants me to go to Japonais tonight but I really need to stay home and focus on giving myself a pedicure."

- Clear Channel - Chicago

-- Submitted by Michelle

Welcome, Redeyers!

A big welcome to all the readers of the Redeye. Feel free to look around, check out the archives, visit the store, and submit your own overheards!

Check back regularly as the site is updated 5 days a week. 7 if you guys start flooding my inbox.

On to the conversations!

"Z"

News is news.

Homeless Guy: "STREETWISE! STREETWISE!"

Sox Fan: "I'll take one."

(walks a few steps)

Sox Fan: "What the hell? This is the Evanston Sentinel!"

Homeless Guy: "A paper is a paper, man. Just leave it be."

- U.S. Cellular Field

-- Submitted by Stupid Tigers

Call Dr. Phil, stat!

Woman: (on cell) "WHAT?! WHO?! Does she NOT believe in birth control
or something?! That's all I'm going to say about that. I wish we
could talk about our relationship the way we talk about other people's."

- Red Line

-- Submitted by B

Someone check the predator registry

Guy: (loudly)" ...All I remember is that she techinically wasn't 18."
Guy: (in a whisper to friend) "Ohh, I shouldn't say that so loud."
Guy: (loudly)"...So the contract she signed wasn't valid."

- Old Navy on State

-- Submitted by JFT1

Good theory

Woman #1: "How can they open a new line when they don't have
any money?"

Woman #2: "It's not a new line, they just renamed the Blue Line for
cancer awareness."

- Quincy L Stop

-- Submitted by Mark

Batman would be jealous.

College Guy: "I'm telling you man, if I had Superman's powers, the world would be in DEEP trouble. I'd be a star playing in the NFL, NBA, and MLB, destroy all the criminals in the world, and I'd bring all the bitches to my Fortess of Solitude. Except, I'd change the name to the Fortress of Love."

- UIC

-- Submitted by Sparky

So, for you, it's Craptoberfest

Girl #1: "Work is going to have an early Octoberfest!"

Girl #2: "That's stupid. If it's not October, it can't be Octoberfest."

Girl #1: "But it's going to be awesome. It's our Septemberfest!"

Girl #2: "Yeah. Totally awesome. Why don't you just have Thanksgiving and Christmas rolled into one? And throw in the fourth of July. You can call it the Fourth of Thanksmas."

- Red Line

-- Submitted by Frank

Maybe you should have gone with paint.

Guy: (on cell) "EIGHT WEEKS ISN'T ENOUGH TIME?! It's WALLPAPER. What do you need, a year's notice? My kid's bar mitzvah is in 12 years. Can you start making the signage now just in god damn case?!"

- Evanston

-- Submitted by Wildkit

Romance is not dead, my friends.

Drunk Frat Guy: "Pocahontas! I am your John Smith. Let me DISCOVER you!"

- University Center, State and Congress

-- Submitted by Steph

M stands for MORE VODKA

Drunk guy: "R stands for RETARDED! Not REPUBLICAN!"

- Brown Line

-- Submitted by Maria

KIDS!!! BREAKFAST!!!!!!!!

Teenage Girl: "He said your ass tastes like Cornflakes."

- By Medici on 57th, Hyde Park

-- Submitted by Diana

Unfortunately, it's pretty true.

Girl: "Yeah, we're from the suburbs. We know how to get home. That's about it."

- Addison St. after a Cubs Game

-- Submitted by June

Nothing like a winter tan

Girl #1: "I'm seriously missing the beach already. They should keep it open all year round."

Girl #2: "What's the point of having a beach open in 8 inches of snow? It'll just give you frost bite."

Girl #1: "That's MY choice. My tax dollars pay for that beach and if I want to lay out when it's -10 degrees, I will."

- Northwestern Campus

-- Submitted by Kelly

Spinach does NOT boost intellect.

Vegan: (on cell) "But I love spinach. Now I can't eat it fresh? I'm not eating the frozen stuff. It's gross. Boiling won't help. It'll still be fresh, but wet and hot. Since when does boiling something kill bacteria, idiot?"

- Green Line

-- Submitted by Carly T.

I'm going to disagree

Frat Boy: "Whatever, dude. Stop being such a fag."

Frat Buddy: "You aren't gay if you're on top."

Frat Boy: "Touche, my friend."

- Niles

-- Submitted by Glenn

The Adult World

Suit: (on cell) "No. I don't wanna. I don't wanna go back to work. This project is stupid, my boss is a jerk, and I hate it. Can't I just come home and curl up with my honey-bunny? Pweeeeease? FINE! BYE!"

- Oak and Clark

-- Submitted by Radcakes

Don't forget to visit the Overheard in Chicago Store!

And she hates drunk guys.

Drunk guy: "Where's the cantaloupe?"

Waitress: "We're out of cantaloupe."

Drunk guy: "I HATE CANTALOUPE!"

- Le Sabre Restaurant

-- Submitted by Cindy

Are you a fish?

Woman: "I'm not a fish. I'm NOT a fish. I'm a MAMMAL, god damn it!"

- Metra entrance on Madison

-- Submitted by Spinner

Well, she's from Chicago, okay?

Woman: "I wonder what it's like to ski those mountains?"

Man: "We're in the Caribbean. It doesn't snow here."

- Cruise Ship near the Bahamas

-- Submitted by Julie

Rappin' Homeless People

Hobo: "Quarters are nice, dollars are better. Cans I recycle but paper goes in the shredder. HEY NOW! DROP SOME CHANGE OVAH HEEAH!"

- Library CTA Stop, Street Level

-- Submitted by Carlos G.

Second only to nuclear warheads

Girl: "Will you at least be my friend?"

Guy: "No."

Girl: "Have you ever been my friend?"

Guy: "No."

Girl: "Then why the hell have we been hanging out?"

Guy: "The poontang is a very powerful weapon."

- Loyola University

-- Submitted by Clyde G.

Loving both parents equally.

Young Girl: "Look mommy! Look at that house! Can we live there?! It's pretty! OOH! Look at that one too! Oh, I don't like that one. I guess Daddy can live there. "

- Red Line

-- Submitted by Annie

They aren't as absorbant.

Girl: "...and I totally ran out of tampons. I hope this one lasts 'til I can get some."

Male Friend: "Can't you just do what the old timers did and use some thatch and hay? Stop being such a princess about everything."

- Red Line

-- Submitted by Gray

The microwave doesn't have that setting

Drunk Woman: "Yeah, uh, can I get those well done."

- White Castle on Peterson and Clark

-- Submitted by Linda

Cool Stuff

Don't forget to visit the Overheard in Chicago Store! T's, Sweats, Mugs, and Bags. You'll be the life of the party if you buy this stuff! You want to be popular, don't you?

Back to overheard conversations!

Bait and annoy

Woman: "You okay? You look tired today."

Man: "Nah. I'm fine."

Woman: "No you're not. What's the matter?"

Man: "Nothin'. My kid just didn't sleep last night. Kept us awake last night."

Woman: "That's what you get for having kids. Don't start complaining about it now."

Man: "Why the hell would you do that?"

- Sears Tower Office

-- Submitted by Texas

Your rolling is painful

Guy: (punches himself in the face) "That's how I roll!!"

- Intersection of Lower Wacker and Lower Michigan

-- Submitted by Ziggy

There's a slight resemblance

(Family looking at fetus exhibit)

Boy: (high pitched mumble)

Dad: "What?"

Boy: (high pitched mumble)

Dad: "That ain't no damned seahorse, fool!"

- Museum of Science and Industry

-- Submitted by Sharona

Wrigley Field is not in London.

Rooftop Cubs Watcher: "What's all that smoke in center field?"

Cubs Fan: "That's just the fog coming off the lake."

- Waveland Ave Rooftop

-- Submitted by SFN

More Fatherly Love

Dad: "Where's your shoe at, boy?"

One Shoe Kid: "I lost it!"

Dad: "Well you better go find it before the gremlins find it and take you away. (Kid runs off.) And I won't help you!"

- Hyde Park

-- Submittesd by Elora

T-Shirt's here! Get your t-shirts!

Now you can show the world that you love (or at least don't hate) Overheard in Chicago!

The Overheard in Chicago Store

Be the COOOOLEST kid in your own house while showing some support for the site! Only a loser wouldn't buy a shirt. Or a mug. Or a bag.

Are YOU a loser?

The Overheard in Chicago Store

Feel free to leave your thoughts on the products.

Also, a big thanks to the Nick Digilio show for having me on Saturday Night. Andy, you're awesome. Your fans have submitted some great stuff that will be posted in the upcoming days.

Hopefully, he's not selling life insurance.

Manager: (on cell) "You have to scare the shit out of them! You have to make them think they're going to die without it."

- Rogers Park

-- Submitted by Gary

No. Just the smell.

Woman: "Have y'all been exposed to the goats yet?"

- Hyde Park

-- Submitted by Elora

Kindness begets anger

Concerned Citizen: "Why don't you offer her your seat, jerk?"

Sitting Guy: "I already did before you got on the train, asshole."

Pregnant Lady: "Yeah! He already offered it to me, asshole!"

- Purple Line

-- Submitted by Ziggy

High School Cliques: Revisited

Girl: "...it's NOT racist. We all said 'hi' to each other in the hallway and stuff. I'm just saying, they all used to sit at the same table at lunch."

Guy: "Okay, so it was like seperate BUT equal."

Girl: "Totally."

- Streeterville Office

-- Submitted by Wallfly

Guaranteed Road Rager

Guy: "If one more old person cuts me off I'm going to annihilate them."

Girl: "Leave it alone, dude. They're old."

Guy: "I don't care. If you're too short to see over the steering wheel, to afraid to drive over 3 miles an hour, or can't see a truck because you've got cataracts, you shouldn't be on the road."

Girl: "How are they supposed to get around?"

Guy: "I don't care. Old people suck. I'm going to end my life at 50 just so I don't become a burden on society like these other selfish assholes."

- Rogers Park

-- Submitted by Kyle

Everything except Faustus quotes

Guy #1: (pointing to second guy) "This guy knows everything."

Genius : "'I wish I knew everything.' Do you know who said that?"

Guy #1: "You did!"

Genius: "Faustus."

Guy #2: "I wish I knew that."

- Evanston

-- Submitted by slobbert

No woman has "happy fat."

Woman #1: "Oh my god, don't take this personally honey, but you got fat."

Woman#2: "That's because I'm pregnant."

Woman#1: "Oh! So it's the happy fat!"

- Northbrook Court

-- Submitted by Babaloooo

Alcohol can be relaxing

Guy: (on cell) "It doesn't matter. We were monkeying around anyway. Enough Southern Comfort makes you not give a damn about anything. You aren't better than me!"

- Highland Park

-- Submitted by Reary

That job is taken

Ambitious Young Man: ""I am going to become dictator (pause) of the United States."

- Fullerton on Red Line

-- Submitted by Devo

Mmmmm....tasty

Woman: "Ugh! These chips are salty!"

Girl: "If by salty you mean crunchy and delicious than hell yeah they're salty!"

- Morton Grove

-- Submitted by Miss Dee

If she gets turned on by stealing.....

College Girl: "...and he totally called me a kleptomaniac!!"

College Friend: "Really? Do you like sex that much?"

- Loyola

-- Submitted by Shoshie

I've seen that movie!

Movie Buff: "My favorite movie of all time? It's that one with Julia Roberts and has all those memorable lines in it."

Friend: "Which one? What lines?"

Movie Buff: "There's so many of them, I don't remember, but it's an awesome flick. I'll remember eventually. It's the best movie ever!"

- Skokie Panera

-- Submitted by Steen

Playing catch up!

Girl: "Why is it that fat girls don't always have a big ass unless they're huge?"

Guy: "It's not so much that they don't have a big ass, it's just that the rest of them has caught up."

- 55 E. Jackson

-- Submitted by Shear

Good friends are hard to find

UIC Guy #1: "I thought we were going running."

UIC Guy #2: "We are. Let's go."

UIC Guy #1: "No. No way. I'm not going running with someone who's wearing a collared shirt. I will not let you be 'that guy.'"

- UIC Commons West

-- Submitted by Cracker

Wait until you propose!

Ghetto girl: (on cell) "You wanna take me out? I could steal your damn car or kill your ass. What I'm saying is you don't know me, I could be some crazy bitch. And your ass wants to take me out?"

- Roosevelt and State

-- Submitted by Rya

When did Indiana move south?

Cubs Fan: "We used to have corn in Indiana, but now all we have is inbreeding."

- Outside of Wrigley Field

-- Margarita

Maybe it's dry ringworm.

Girl #1: "So I had this red patch of dry skin, and I went to the doctor and he took, like, 4 vials of blood from it and told me I have ringworm."

Girl #2: "Really?"

Girl #1: "But then I went to another doctor and he said 'All you have is dry skin.'"

- Sherman Ave., Evanston

-- Submitted by Anne

Yeah. "Blacked-out."

Girl #1: "Scotty is blacked-out again and grabbing boobs."

Girl #2: "He is such a perv. Can't he just have a couple of beers and not molest girls?"

- Will's on Racine and Nelson

-- Submitted by Marty

Hello, Dundalinger.

Emo Dude: "...and it's just another horrible day in the life of Amanda."

Amanda: "Seriously. I've been at this college for two days and already the whole university staff hates me. I think I should start making out with professors."

Emo Dude: "Maybe you should start by actually going to class."

- Loyola University

-- Submitted by Arturo

The signs...they have shifty eyes...

Old Woman: "Don't you know where the hell you're going? We can't just keep going straight!"

Teen Companion: "It's fine. It's on State, so it must be a little farther up ahead."

Old Woman: "You trust these street signs? You idiot! The streets can change names at any time! Don't be a fool!"

- State Street

-- Submitted by Glob

Zap! Pow! BANG!

Suit: (on cell) "No. You punch, then kick, then kick, then punch. If you don't do it in a rhythm, you'll end up dead. Yes, that would be bad."

- Hyde Park

-- Submitted by Maroon

Deep thoughts

Stoner #1: "I don't know. It's weird. I mean, do you think aliens have movies?"

Stoner #2: "Why not? You have to assume they're as technological as us, if not more."

Stoner #1: "Then do you think their movies about alien invasions has us coming to their planet blowing shit up and killing everything?"

Stoner #2: "That would be totally awesome. But if they're apes, then they would have like 'Planet of the Humans.'"

- Millenium Park

-- Submitted by Kaz

Full of bologna

Suit: (on cell) "Aww, come one, Rich. I was hoping to leave before the little flamer got here. He always looks at me like I'm a piece of lunch meat."

- Michigan Ave.

-- Submitted by Ralphie

It's too bright! My ahz! My ahz!!!!

Foriegn Woman: "What color are you ahz?"

Smart American Man: "Excuse me?"

Foriegn Woman: "What color your ahz?"

Smart American Man: "My ass?! It's the same color as the rest of me!"

Foriegn Woman: "Not your ass! Your AHZ!!!! AHZ!!!!"

- Water Tower Place

-- Submitted by Baby Blues

So she's hot?

Student: "So we get into this class and the program director starts talking. Then he finishes and this other manager starts talking. I figure one of thsoe is the instructor, but nooooo. Here comes this fat, greasy, slicked back, smelly woman who's supposed to be our teacher. She waddles to her chair, sits down, and starts talking blackboard and powerpoint and zip files. It's the first time I wished a guy was my teacher."

- Outside of Wright College

-- Submitted by Boyzzz

Legalization coming soon

Guy: "I can't work Saturday and have to find a sub."

Buddy: "Where are you goin'?"

Guy: "My cousin Neil is getting married."

Buddy: "Don't you have to go to Hawaii or Canada for that type of ceremony?"

- Green Line

-- Submitted by Raider

When hippies rule the media...

Man: "Universal Studios must get in tune with their inner child. They must get in tune with the evil aspects of their 'Id' which led to such crap television as Battlestar Galactica, Blind Date, Maury Povich and Monk. Then, and only then, can the true healing process begin."

- Denny's near O'Hare

-- Submitted by Andy F.

With a hint of low self esteem

Chick: "I hate the fact that he called me 'snobby.'"

Friend: "But you ARE!"

Chick: "Yeah, maybe a little."

- Outside of Neo on Clark and Fullerton

Land Lubber

Thug: "You swim?"

Abercrombie Swim Shorts Girl: (blank stare)

Thug: "STUPID BITCH!"

- Sheffield and Fullerton

-- Submitted by Cool-leen

Loving husband

Football Fan: "...are you in or not?"

Friend: "I don't think so, I just don't have the time."

Football Fan: "Time?! Dude, I'm in 21 fantasy leagues and I have 15 more to draft for. You MAKE time."

Friend: "I'd rather spend time with my wife."

Football Fan: "Forget that. For the next 6 months, my wife is dead to me. Football is my woman now."

- Metra

-- Submitted by Winter

George Washington rookie card! AWESOME!

Mom: "You're saving those baseball cards?"

Kid #1: "Yeah, they'll be really valuable later!"

Kid #2: "Why?"

Kid #1: "Old stuff is valuable. Like, if you have baseball cards from the eighteenth century, those are worth lots of money now."

- Old Orchard Barnes and Noble

-- Submitted by Jimmy

A cup is good, a bowl is life changing.

Woman: "...so I said forget it, the wedding is off. Now I just want some tortilla soup and a hug."

- Corner Bakery

-- Submitted by Eric

Melt away your pain

Guy: "Look, bro. If you're going to force yourself to choke on food, at least choke on an ice cube. That way, it's guaranteed to not kill you."

- Bennigan's Downtown

-- Submitted by Crease

And they spiked his brain in the endzone.

Football Kid #1: "Ray got hurt pretty bad, Dad."

Dad: "I'm sure he'll be fine, son."

Football Kid #1: "He was screaming when he fell."

Football Kid #2: "I think his leg got torn off and his guts were on the ground!"

- West Suburban Pee Wee Practice

-- Submitted by Go Bears!!!!

Go with the Chief.

Woman: (on cell) "Who do I have to talk to in order to get it done? A doctor? A lawyer? An Indian Chief? I'll do whatever I have to!"

- Skokie

-- Submitted by Raul

I think it's over.

Guy: (on cell) "Stop calling me, Lisa. I've told you to fuck off 100 times yet you still think there's something there. I don't know how to say fuck off any other way. Why don't you go ask your dad for some more money so you can buy stuff and then feel sorry for yourself. Bitch!"

- Red Line

-- Submitted by KC

He prefers fuzzy balls.

Guy: "Hey man. You want to go shoot some hoops?"

Buddy: "Nah. I'm meeting Jenny and we're going to go play some tennis."

Guy: "Tennis? JENNY?! What the hell happened to your penis?"

- Westmont

-- Submitted by Will

Wear shower shoes. And bring a bat.

Girl: "The showers are scary. I just feel like at any point, the shower could end up eating me alive."

- UIC Campus

-- Submitted by Jo

Good thing Bloomingdale's is cheap.

Girl #1: "Shopping has been hard! I need more new clothes for the year. Let's go after class."

Girl #2: "Okay. Where do you want to go?"

Girl #1: "Bloomingdale's?"

Girl #2: "Sure. Let's go. Want to grab lunch?"

Girl #1: "Naw. I can't afford to eat out."

- North Suburban High School

-- Submitted by Ralph

School's are back!

Girl: "Have you ever walked down the street and wanted to jump in front of a car?"

Friend: "God, no!"

Girl: "Oh..uh...me neither. Someone else asked me that before."

- Loyola

-- Submitted by Rambler

Soooo it's urgent.

Suit: (on cell) "It was supposed to get done. I need it done. If you don't finish, the whole project gets held up at least 3 weeks. Come on, Bob! Your portion is hotter than a two blonds doing a lesbian scene!"

- Michigan Ave.

-- Submitted by Dink

Fiscal responsibility

Woman: "...So I buy that table off of QVC and in two days, the glass is shattered. So I call them up and tell them what happened. She looked at my file and said, 'Sure you can return it.'"

Man: "Even though you broke it?"

Woman: "Yeah. I'm a star customer for them. I spend so much money on QVC, I don't know how I'm going to pay for my kids to go to college."

- Leo Burnett Building Elevator

-- Submitted by Toshiba

Those goth kids sure can dance, though.

Grandpa: "If you wear that goth crap, you're going to hell."

Grandson: "So you're saying if I wear those chain pants I'm going to hell?"

Grandpa: "No. That's not what I'm saying. (looks at goth girl) See, she's going to hell!"

- Hot Topic at Gurnee Mills

-- Submitted by Anwar

Sounds heavy

Girl: "Oh my GOD, she got fat."

Guy: "Nah. It's her hairstyle."

Girl: "No. It's her ass."

- Morton Grove

-- Submitted by Power

Imagine that

Crazy Dude: "Now that is some camera!"

Camera Guy: (nervous smile)

Crazy Dude: "All I've got is this imaginary camera!"

- Red Line

-- Submitted by Sarah

Don't worry. It's not the tallest in the world anymore.

Dad: "...the tallest building in the world. Isn't it cool?"

Child: "That's real tall, Dad. It's scary. I don't like high stuff."

Dad: "Then you're going to hate it when we're all the way up top."

- Sears Tower Entrance

-- Submitted by Clyde

Cable guy?

Woman: (on cell) "You were supposed to be there on Friday! I expect to see you tomorrow. Well, Monday then. No. NEXT WEEK! Well then when are you available? (red faced) I'M NOT WAITING 9 MORE WEEKS! YOU COME TOMORROW OR I'LL CUT YOU!"

- Elk Grove Village

-- Submitted by Lucy

So crazy he's sane.

Guy: "He wasn't the nicest of people, was he?"

Woman: "Naw. He's selfish. He's so selfish he's ignorant. His ignorance has made him crazy."

- Adams

-- Submitted by Grille

Smoke free? Not exactly.

Lady: "The east stairwell is smoke free?"

Fire Safety Trainer: "Correct."

Lady: "We've been having fire drills down both the east and the west fire exits!! We'll start doing drills down just the east stair case from now on!"

Fire Safety Trainer: "NO!! DO NOT DO THAT!! Continue having the drill down both staircases. Just because it is called a smoke free stairwell doesn't mean that nothing could go wrong or that smoke can't get in it."

- 401 Michigan

-- Submitted by Dizzy

Bank on it.

Stoner #1: "Whoa, whoa, whoa. Everyone look. That's LaSalle street."

Stoner #2: "Yeah it is."

Stoner #1: "There's a LaSalle Bank. Dude! If there's a LaSalle Bank on LaSalle street, I think my universe will be at ultimate zen."

- LaSalle and Adams

-- Submitted by Huevos

Hygiene is important

Bum: "Gentleman. I don't need money and I don't need food. However, I am in need of a hairbrush. If any of you would be so kind. I haven't brushed my hair in weeks and it's getting knotty and matted."

- Potbelly's on Jackson

-- Submitted by Mike

Small 15 year old.

Woman: "Calm down, Peter."

Man: "Absolutely not! There's absolutely no reason our 15 year old daughter should be wearing the same size clothing as our 3 year old!"

- Gurnee Mills

-- Submitted by Sugar

It's a mystery.

Girl: (on cell) "No. Shut up. Shut up. Shut up! SHUT UP! SHUT THE HELL UP! The problem is you never talk to me and I don't understand why."

- Forest Glen

-- Submitted by Chile

It's been done.

Suit: "If you could start any business, what would you do?"

Dude: "I totally wish I could start Walgreens. They're loaded."

- The Big Downtown

-- Submitted by Sanwich

She's helping out UPS.

Girl #1: "...I just got a coupon for 30% off. I'm totally going to get it online!"

Girl #2: "But you have to pay shipping and handling, which will put the 30% right back."

Girl #1: "So? I'll break even."

Girl #2: "Why not walk to Barnes and Noble and pick it up? It's two friggin blocks from your house!"

Girl #1: "I like getting packages."

- Blue Line

-- Submitted by Alice

Even YOU

Homeless Lady: "Any ONE of you all could be a rapist and I wouldn't know. No, Sir. Man or woman. You ain't touchin' this beautiful temple. None of you is going to rape this queen. I kill you like the last 100 of um. Animals."

- UIC

-- Submitted by Sparky

Small joke

Suit: (on cell) "Hey Joe. Remember that budget proposal I sent over a few weeks ago? Yeah, that one. Don't worry about it. No, no, no. It was just a joke. A 22 million dollar, two weeks of work, god damn joke."

- Purple Line

-- Submitted by Chuck

The future.

Black Teen: "Word?"

White Teen: "Word."

Black Teen: "Word?"

White Teen: "Word."

Black Teen: "Word."

- Green Line

-- Submitted by Xan

Kathy Griffin?

Guy: (on cell) "Horseshit. That woman couldn't deliver a joke if she used US Postal."

- Morton Grove

-- Submitted by Queenie

Endagered ashtrays

Smoker: "I hate smoking in the house. I only smoke inside the house because I have these cool ashtrays that I don't want to take outside."

- Belmont Chipotle

-- Submitted by Josh

They're better than you.

Guy: "I totally hate people who don't move to the back of the bus when it is obvious that it is crowded. I seriously can't stand it!"

Girl: "I know it drives me nuts too."

Guy: "No, it really drives me crazy. I mean, here's the deal. It's usually some blonde with her ipod or her cell phone that always acts like she has no clue. Everyone will be staring at her, giving her the evil eye and she'll have no clue. Uhm. Hello! How can you NOT see that people are staring?! Guys never have a problem with moving to the back. Just lame blondes."

- 151 Bus

-- Submitted by Dizzy

A job that blows.

Lady #1: "I keep seeing those summer cash signs everywhere. They any good?"

Lady #2: "I don't know. They seem sketchy. You probably get summer cash for performing some summer oral."

- Millenium Park

-- Submitted by Casey

Swinging good time

Guy #1: "...and we're heading up to my buddy's cabin. We're going to meet some other couples up there. It'll be a fun weekend."

Guy #2: "Just make sure that when you throw all your keys into the bowl, you don't get picked by a dude."

- Purple Line

-- Submitted by Tam

State of Sheer Stupidity

Boutique Clerk: "What is your address?"

DC Girl: "[Address], Washington DC, 20001."

Boutique Clerk: "Ok. What state?"

DC Girl: "DC."

Boutique Clerk: "I know. What state?"

- Oak Street Boutique

-- Submitted by D

Must be Gargamel

Office Guy: "Did you see Sarah today? What's up with that all blue getup?"

Workmate: "I don't know, but it does satisfy my curiosity of seeing what Smurfette would look like 200 lbs heavier."

- Deloitte Building

-- Submitted by Wayne

Honesty. The best policy.

Passerby: "Good morning."

Bum: "Not when you're homeless, asshole."

- Arrigo Park near UIC

-- Submitted by Q

Blackberries are evil

Random Guy: "Good thing you're paying attention. You almost got hit by two cars!"

Woman: "I was checking a work email. It's important."

Random Guy: "I hope it was work telling you how to be an invincible, oblivious idiot."

- Lincoln Park

-- Submitted by Pree

Good luck

New Grad: "...and finding work has been pretty hard. You'd think I would have found a job by now."

Friend: "Just keep interviewing man. It'll come."

New Grad: "I know. I just wish I could find a job where I get to work two weeks out of a month. That way I'm always refreshed and ready to work."

- Metra

-- Submitted by Ed

Bad approach

Bum: "Screw this happy world shit. I'm tired of saying please. I just want some god damn money. No please. No thank you. Just give me something and be nice for once in your life."

- Near the Merchandise Mart

-- Submitted by Ross

Startin' 'um young

5-year-old boy: "... and I can smoke my own ..."

- Millenium Park

-- Submitted by Paul B.

Were you looking for a $5 bill?

Bum: "God bless you today. Hungry but happy. God bless."

(Man drops some change into cup.)

Bum: "YOU SUCK, ASSHOLE!"

- Near Downtown Hooters

-- Submitted by Dapper Dan

Did she get the job?

Suit: "She was wearing sandals, jeans, and a tank top. Plus she was chewing gum. It was honestly one of the worst interviews I have ever taken part in."

Suit #2: "But she was hot."

Suit: "Soooo hot."

- Hancock Building

-- Submitted by Ryer

Must be a Jehovah's Witness.

Guy: (on cell) "I treat religion the same way I treat gays: I don't care what you do, just don't try to convert me."

- Evanston

-- Submitted by Carol

Or ride a bike.

Woman: "...the email said that if you only buy small amounts of gas, you'll force gas prices down."

Friend: "Really? I should try that. Fight the gas man."

Stranger: "Are you two for real? That's not how economics works and it's a stupid notion to begin with."

Woman: "Well then how do you suggest we make gas prices go down, smarty?"

Stranger: "How about you stop driving?!"

- State of Illinois Building

-- Submitted by Gasshole

Newsflash: Gas prices are high.

Dude: "...and I have to ride the train because gas prices are too high."

Guy: "Yeah. You have to sell your first born and an arm and a leg."

Dude: "No way, man. That won't even get you half a tank."

- Red Line

-- Submitted by Lady Jay

So....awake?

Girl: "I'm tired."

Boy: "Oh? You want to go home? I don't care about seeing the movie."

Girl: "No. I'm not tired tired. I'm like tired not tired."

- Bennigan's in the Burbs

-- Submitted by Rart

No. You are. Shut up.

Idiot: "No, some people just don't get it..."

Smart Friend: "Get what? That you're an idot? Trust me, everyone gets that."

- Riverwalk

-- Submitted by Fech!

This should be an ad slogan

Businessman: (on cell) "No way, brudda. I'm the best. (pause) How do I know? Because water covers 70% of the earth and I cover the rest. Case closed."

- State Street

-- Submitted by Rock

The beat goes on.

Mom's Friend: "You treat your mom that way? You're lucky. At my house we beat kids."

Kid: "Uh..."

Mom's Friend: "Oh yeah. We beat kids with belts, with shoes. Hangers"

Kid's Mom: (defensively) "We beat kids at our house, too!"

- Pita Inn, Dempster, in Skokie

-- Submitted by Maureen

How about kerkaflerp?

Teen: "Do you think if I make up my own word, I can become famous? People would think of me every time they used it!"

Teen #2: "Who the hell do you think of when you use words, idiot?"

- Old Orchard Shopping Center

-- Submitted by XY

It's a football town.

Woman: (on cell) "Don't worry, honey. He'll talk to you again. Bears season is coming up and that brings all Cubs and Sox fans together. Especially when the big screen is at your house."

- Michigan Ave.

-- Submitted by Terry

Damn! I thought it was Marriage-N-Things.

Wonderful Wife: "Ugh. Where did my husband go? Oh, THERE you are. My GOD. So you'll follow me around a STORE but not to marriage counseling."

- Linens-N-Things

-- Submitted by Laura

Gamerz are 1337. That's elite for all you non-dorks.

Dork: "...I stayed up all night playing online."

Geek: "Cool."

Dork: "I didn't feel like fighting with my clan, so I basically took a walk around the lands and went fishing for a while."

Geek: "Awesome. That's why I love online life. You can just walk and fish and chill without anyone trying to kill you."

- Woodfield Mall

-- Submitted by Al

Desperation

Bum #1: "What do I got to do to get some change? What if I put on a show? (starts nodding up and down) Look, everyone! I'm a bobblehead."

- Jeweler's Row

-- Submitted by Gonzo

U-G-L-Y. She ain't got no alibi.

Guy #1: "Have you thought about going out with her? I mean, she's looking, too."

Guy #2: "No way. She's not my type."

Guy #1: "Aw, sure she is. If you can get past the fact that she's unattractive, it could definitely work."

- Green Line

-- Submitted by Steen

Hot = Irritable

Suit: "Oh man. Thank god the paper came this morning."

Suit Friend: "Huh?"

Suit: "The front page says it's fucking hot. I swear, if they didn't tell me, I wouldn't have known from the sun being 20 feet away from my face."

- Metra

-- Submitted by Tom

Yeah. That'll do it.

Girl: "...there's just so much violence and hate. I wish there was something we could do."

Friend: "Like make everyone sit down and bake cookies."

- Maine South High School

-- Submitted by Chevelle

She's just Mormon.

Crazy Woman: (shouting) "Bitch! You get away! He's my primary husband!"

Other Woman: (shouts incoherently from afar)

Crazy Woman: "I'll kill you! He's my primary husband, not yours!"

- Hyde Park

-- Submitted by Aetg

Not as good as a matza ball

Guy: (on cell) "...I'm telling you dude, I couldn't believe it. I brought the waiter over and told him. There was seriously a fly in my freakin' soup!!! Just like on TV!"

- Schaumburg

-- Submitted by Dracoola

Bicyclops

Spandex Biker: "Stay out of the middle of the path, bitch, and watch your fuckin' kid!!!"

Second Biker: "Calm down. It's just a kid."

Spandex: "Mind your own business! I could have lost a fuckin eye! What do you think of THAT?!"

Second Biker: "Then you would have been a one-eyed asshole."

- 3300 N and the Lakefront Bike Path

-- Submitted by Irish Pirate

He magically hasn't gotten his ass kicked

Girl: "...I don’t like Jeff Gordon."

Friend: "Why not?"

Girl: "I don’t know, there’s something about him. He thinks he’s a magician."

- Metra

-- Submitted by Dubya

Makes it come faster

(Woman pushes already lit elevator button.)

Crazy Guy: "I just pushed the damn elevator button. Do you think my push gave the thing AIDS?"

- Merchandise Mart

-- Submitted by Lagro

This isn't the South

Bartender: "We're going to get that new Deer Hunter video game. Shooting deer with a beer in your hand; what could be more American than that?"

Aussie Patron: "Driving a NASCAR at the same time."

- Wrigleyville

-- Submitted by Bated Breath

Where drinks are free!

First Grader: "I'm going to write about my vacation!"

Friend: "Where did you guys go?"

First Grader: "Pepsicola, Florida."

- Elementary School on the South Side

--Submitted by First Grade Teacher

Gross

(Walking out of washroom)

Suit: "Why do you keep using the handicapped button to open the damn bathroom door?!"

Button pusher: "I'm not touching that door handle!"

Suit: "Why not? You didn't wash your fucking hands anyway! Now you've contaminated the button as well as the handle!"

- Sears Tower

-- Submitted by Lou the Jew

Dr. 60609?

Girl: (on cell) "...and I saw it on TV, so I tried it. Can I tell you how excited I was that my boobs were finally the same size? I can totally show them off now!!!"

- Michigan Ave.

-- Submitted by Warrior

Must be a "wait" limit, too.

(Guy tries to get off the elevator, but a rush of people block the exit.)

Guy: "Why is it that every fucking time I try to get off an elevator, you fat slobs can't wait three seconds to push your way on? Do I look like a freaking shadow? Am I paper thin enough to go through your elephant army? Last one in busts the weight limit!!!!! Assholes."

- Leo Burnette Building

-- Submitted by Goober

Stinky love.

(Woman stands up to go to the bathroom)

Woman: (whispers) "Honey, slip me the paper."

Man: "For what? I'm reading!"

Woman: "I need to go to the bathroom."

Man: "You going to apologize to everyone before you stink the place up or after?"

- Intelligensia Downtown

-- Submitted by Brinn

Or someone with a slanty face

Conductor: "This guy just came up to me and told me he found these glasses. He goes 'I think I stepped on them.' (Holds up bent glasses.) I tell him 'No you didn't. They just belong to the elephant man."

- Metra to Union Station

-- Submitted by Villi

Chicago is friendly

"Special" Guy: (pushing people) "Excuse me! Excuse me! This door is occupied! Everyone stand back!"

Angry Lady: "Not today, asshole!"

"Special" Guy: "OCCUPIED! OCCUPIED! THIS DOOR IS OCCUPIED! MOVE BACK!"

Angry Lady: "No, retard! I ain't goin' anywhere! You push me around every damn morning and I'm getting tired of it. You push me one more damn time and I'm going to tear you apart and feed you to the pigeons!"

- Purple Line

-- Submitted by Chuck

So she's a bitch?

Dude: (on cell) "...yeah, and the problem is you're a bitch. You have bitch fingers, bitch hands, bitch arms, a bitch face, a bitch body, bitch legs, and bitch knees. You have bitch blood running through your god damn bitch veins. STOP CALLING ME!"

- Brown Line

-- Submitted by Staph

So why are you yelling?

Girl: (on cell) "Damn it Mom! I can't BELIEVE you told them that! It's an open case, I still have to go to court! Everyone doesn't need to know that I was arrested! Don't tell them!" (pause) "It was when I went up to the school! Yeah, they arrested me at the school! NOT EVERYONE NEEDS TO KNOW THAT!"

- Jewel in Lisle

-- Submitted by DRSF Rich

"Not kill 12 million people...."

One businessman to another: "...that's what Hitler should have done."

- North Michigan Ave.

-- Submitted by Jess

Chestilicious

Woman: (on cell) "I'm telling you, Marie, he had a chest to die for. Nice pecs, great definition. (slight moan) Ohhhh, I could chomp on those things like they were a bucket of buffalo wings."

- Metra

-- Submitted by Fantastico!

Definitely not a Corleone

Guy: "...I just need to do something that will really get her attention. She went too far this time."

Friend: "Let it go."

Guy: "No, no, no. I have an idea. Do you think I could do that horse's head thing from The Godfather? She really loves her hamster, and it would probably have the same effect."

- Northbrook Starbucks

-- Submitted by Bark

Must have skipped "big hand, little hand" in school.

Guy: (relentlessly searching his pockets and bag) "I can't find my phone. What time is it?"

Woman: (points to clock on wall) "There's a clock right there."

Guy: "I can't read that analog shit!"

- Oakton/Skokie Blvd. Walgreens, Skokie

-- Submitted by Colleen

The cause of, and solution to, all of life's problems.

College Dude #1: "Oh man. I think I'm getting the shakes." (holds out shakey hand)

College Dude #2: "Well , have you been drinkin' lately?"

College Dude #1: "No, man. I haven't had a drink in like 2 weeks."

College Dude #2: "Well there you go, you idiot."

- Red Line

-- Submitted by Mike Router

Odoriferous emanation.

Guy: "..and we wake up in the morning, shower, clean up, put the baby powder on the crotch and we're out the door. I'm telling you, man: You cram into that metro and it gets so hot, the baby powder turns into freakin' glue. I might as well have washed with limburger cheese."

- Prudential Building

-- Submitted by Ron

Valid question

Homey #1: "What up, Money!!!"

Homey #2: "What uuuuup, Moneeeey!!!"

Clueless Friend: "If you're both 'Money,' how do you know who is who?"

- UIC

-- Submitted by Yipsy

Uh...Police?

Man: (on cell) "I swear to GOD! If we don't hang out tomorrow night, I will cut you. (pause) Horseshit! I will rip out your liver and make you eat it while I feast on your heart. (pause) Good choice. 9PM it is."

- Marketplace on Oakton, Skokie

-- Submitted by Howie

Goth is no longer "different."

(Goth kid with purple, red, green, and orange hair.)

Goth Kid: "What are you staring at?"

Suit: "You."

Goth Kid: "Why?"

Suit: "You have 4 hair colors. You're dressed in all black with a John Travolta caricature on your shirt. You have eye liner and lipstick on and your shoes are pink. I think I have a right to stare."

- Blue Line

-- Submitted by Crying Shame

Next time, slap yourself.

Guy : (talking to woman with pregnant abdomen) "Oh! When are you expecting?"

Lady : "I just gave birth not too long ago"

Guy : "It stays big that way?"

Lady : "It takes a while to get smaller."

Guy : "It's so big. I've never seen that before."

- Evanston Whole Foods

-- Submitted by Grocery Patron

Girls excel at dirty talk

Playa: "I was getting all into it to dude. Rachel is freaking hooooot."

Buddy: "So why the hell did you stop?"

Playa: "Well, we were getting into it, and after she goes down on me, she looks at me and says, 'Your turn.' So I get down there and she screams, 'Yeah, Baby! Suck my catling!' I started laughing so hard I had to leave."

- Northwestern Campus

-- Submitted by Wildcat

Next time, try an I-pod

Guy: "I don't get it; I got him a skull as a graduation gift."

- #36 Broadway Bus

-- Submitted by Greg

If you're a parent, you'll agree. If not, wait until you are.

Woman: "..and she cries that much? How do you put up with it?"

Mom: "I do everything by the book. Try and change her, feed her, hold her, play, sing, dance, put her in the car, anything I can think of."

Woman: "Does it work?"

Mom: "Sometimes. But I'll tell you this much: I understand shaken baby syndrome a lot better now."

- Purple Line

-- Submitted by Larry