A Chicago fan through and through.

Guy: "I was listening to the game on the radio, caulking a door, and they're up 6-1. I finish caulking the door and they give up 5 runs. I looked for another door to caulk, but once I figured out which one I could do, they ended up walking in the winning run. I think for the next game, I just need to build a new house. They should win by like 3 runs."

- Evanston

-- Submitted by Linda

Maybe you should put the seat back on.

Guy: (on cell) "Yeah, it worked out great. She loved being in the carrier. The only problem is she kept telling me to 'go more.' So pedaled further. Yeah. My ass is killing me right now."

- Red Line

-- Submitted by Georgia

Being there for almost 24 hours shows dedication.

Worker #1: "He'll be here at 11, probably."

Worker #2: "That'd be a new record."

Worker #1: "No. He got here at 10:30 once."

Worker #2: "No. He didn't 'get here' at 10:30. He slept here overnight with that chick from billing and his dad kicked him out of the office after his board meeting. So technically, he got here at 2:00 the day before and just never left."

- Downtown Office

-- Submitted by Crazy

It's called preying on fools.

Guy: (on cell) "Hell yeah you're going to call them back. There's no way you should be paying 60 dollars for a freaking oil change!!!!"

- Michigan and Jackson

-- Submitted by Mike

I believe that's a call out.

Guy #1: "...I'm a guitarist."

Guy #2: "No. You're not. You're a guy who holds a guitar and pretends to play while telling everyone how awesome you are. Your fingers can't hurt every night, dumbass."

- Sweet Alice Bar

-- Submitted by Gracy

They aren't on the train, lady.

Girl: "I'm going to start a blog."

Guy: "About what?"

Girl: "My daily life. While I would enjoy writing, after a bit of time, the ads and stuff will make me a lot of money."

Guy: "You're not serious. No one is going to be interested in how many times you coo at your cats or pine about how boys don't like you."

Girl: "But they DON'T like me. My kitties do, though. Cute wittow kitties."

- Green Line

-- Submitted by Kathryn

If it's on Oprah, it must be true. Except for that James Frey thing.

Girl: "I am going out tonight with my friends from college. I think we are going out in Wrigleyville."

Mother: "Have fun, but not too much fun. I heard on Oprah from Dr. Oz that your eggs are still good after you have drank too much."

- Lincoln Park

-- Submitted by Jaclyn

Goal oriented.

Guy #1: "No, I'm not going anywhere. I see my parents every weekend. This weekend, it's all about me."

Guy #2: "So the big plans are?"

Guy #1: "Video games, porn, video games, porn, drinking, drinking, drinking, porn, sleeping, video games. I may slip in some extra eating dependant on my schedule."

- Northern Illinois University

-- Submitted by Chloe

In Wrigleyville? Anywhere.

Drunk Guy: "Yeah. Here I can at least go down there and go to the toilet. But when I'm in Wrigleyville where else am I gonna go?"

- Lincoln Park

-- Submitted by B

For you? It might be.

Girl #1: "Do you ever wake up in the morning and wish you weren't alive?"

Girl #2: "No. That's death. I'd rather not be dead."

Girl #1: "No. Not dead, dead. But like, temporary dead."

Girl #2: "No. Why would you wish to be temporary dead?"

Girl #1: "You'd be able to see what everyone thinks about you being dead."

Girl #2: "No. You'd be dead. You wouldn't be able to see anything."

Girl #1: "So being dead for a day isn't a good wish?"

- DePaul University

-- Submitted by Karen

The male conversation.

Guy #1: "...and I decided to end it."

Guy #2: "Fuck her. She was a bitch anyway."

Guy #1: "It's hard, man. We were just so into each other. I thought we were going to...HOLY CRAP! TRIPLE!"

Guy #2: "What's the score?"

Guy #1: "Me: 1, The Bitch: 0."

- Shoeless Joe's

-- Submitted by Gary

Sissy.

Guy #1: "So I decided that my feet just couldn't take running anymore. I get all numb and my feet hurt and my knees are just killing me. I needed a rest. So, naturally, biking, right?"

Guy #2: "Yeah. Same basic motion."

Guy #1: "My ass. I figured I'd ride to the bike path about half a mile away and then do a couple miles. No biggie. I made it about 9 blocks before I felt like passing out. Who knew that bike riding was the hardest exercise on earth?"

- Bally's in Niles

-- Submitted by Carlo

Men and women think pretty much the same way.

Girl: "It's like all you need to change your image is a bible, an apology, and a good PR guy."

Guy: "And a huge chest. Or money. Or you're super hot. Or all of the above."

- UIC

-- Submitted by The Gnu

Why don't you myspace the answer online?

Guy: (on cell) "No. I'll just call you. I'm not going to. I'll either email it or I'll fax it. NO! When the hell did 'MySpace' become a verb?"

- Ukranian Village

-- Submitted by Tomcat

That's not trashy...it's cost efficient.

Girl: "God, you are SO trashy."

Guy: "I'm like Aldi with a coupon."

- Wicker Park bar

-- Submitted by J

In Lincoln Park? Wait. Lincoln Park?!

Cab Driver: "$250,000 for an apartment, and what for! You should be gettin' two places, a basement, a parking space for $250,000. And I don't want no damn apartment condo association telling me what to do. I remember this area used to not be pricey, now things are going up and up and up. What's with all the construction? This ain't construction, this is destruction."

- In a cab on Armitage and Sheffield

-- Submitted by LPChad

I sure as hell hope so.

Girl #1: "I'm sorry I couldn't make it to her baby shower. So when is she due?"

Girl #2: "June 13th, I think."

Girl #1: "Woah, wait, of this year?!"

- Loop Office

-- Submitted by Dumbfounded

Totally Chicawgo.

Girl #1: "She was trying to imitate me, but she couldn't, because she has such a thick Indian accent."

Girl #2: "Wait--she's from India?"

Girl #1: "No, she's from Indiana."

- Brown Line

-- Submitted by E

It'd be a close call. Probably decided on points.

Guy #1: "You've heard of kangaroo boxing, right?"

Guy #2: "Yeah."

Guy #1: "Do you think they have rabbit boxing? I mean, those little things can kick pretty hard."

Guy #2: "I doubt it."

Guy #1: "I bet you I could take a rabbit in a fight. I'd be all up in his grill, talking smack. 'Where's your carrot NOW, bitch?' and 'THIS is what's up, Doc!"

Guy #2: "You've given this serious thought, haven't you?"

Guy #1: "You can never be too prepared for a situation."

- Loyola University

-- Submitted by Greg

They'll be totally fooled.

Girl: "...and I just wish I could go back. It was so beautiful there."

Guy #1: "How long do you want to go for?"

Girl: "I wish I could go for three months at least. Stupid job."

Guy #1: "Just tell them you'll be sick. For three months. With, uh..."

Guy #2: "The bubonic plague."

- Skokie

-- Submitted by K

Yeah. With a STINGER!

Hipster Girl #1: "Tony the Tiger is such a dick."

Hipster Girl #2: "I know! Wait, why?"

Hipster Girl #1: "He has these big muscles and he totally flaunts them in front of all the other cereal box characters."

Hipster Girl #2: "Oh yeah. And one of them is just a tiny bee!"

- Brown Line

-- Submitted by Maim

Yeah. With a STINGER!

Hipster Girl #1: "Tony the Tiger is such a dick."

Hipster Girl #2: "I know! Wait, why?"

Hipster Girl #1: "He has these big muscles and he totally flaunts them in front of all the other cereal box characters."

Hipster Girl #2: "Oh yeah. And one of them is just a tiny bee!"

- Brown Line

-- Submitted by Maim

Oh Sopranos. How you disappoint me.

Guy #1: "This is the best they can do? Two episodes left and they focus on AJ being a whiny bitch?"

Girl: "It has a deeper meaning. It ties into Tony's family and how Tony was screwed up by his mom. It's a full circle thing."

Guy #2: "Deeper meaning? Who the hell wants deeper meaning? I want more curb stomps. I want more shootings. I want more whackings. For the love of God, there are two episodes left and the only way they can close all the story lines they've opened is by either ignoring them or kiling everyone off in a huge gunfight."

Guy #1: "Was I the only one rooting for AJ to bite it?"

Girl: "No."

- Lincoln Park

-- Submitted by Scrooge

Sadly, this is a typical UofC conversation.

Girl: "I'm not a nerd."

Boy: "Yeah, you are."

Girl: "If I'm a nerd, then you're a nerd."

Boy: "No, I'm not."

Girl: "Yes, you are."

Boy: "No! Being a nerd is not a transitive property!"

- University of Chicago

-- Submitted by Not A Nerd

Bad Daddy.

Little Girl: "When I grow up, I want to be a doctor or a stripper."

Teacher: (in utter disbelief) "What?! Why?!"

Little Girl: "Doctors help a lot of people and mommy says daddy loves all the strippers he sees. I want to help my daddy, too!"

- North Shore Elementary School

-- Submitted by TA

Someone wasn't ready.

Guy: (on cell) "She's already running the house. Yeah, it's a problem. She's freakin' 2! Be careful, Daddy. Don't do that, Daddy. Help Mommy, Daddy. Don't be grumpy, Daddy. Daddy's turn today. Daddy, do this. Daddy, do that. Why did my Mom have to ask God to punish me with my first child? I wasn't this annoying, was I? I should have punched myself in the groin."

- Red Line

-- Submitted by Smiles

Right next to the kittens.

Guy #1: "Oh my god, dude. You smell like lavender."

Guy #2: "I smell like lavender? Why the hell would I smell like lavender?"

Guy #1: "Maybe it's your shower gel or your shampoo."

Guy #2: "Impossible. I shower with sandpaper and use Pert."

Guy #1: "Maybe you have potpourri in your pockets."

- Loyola University

-- Submitted by Ramblin' Man

Convenient payment options.

Bum: "Good morning, ladies. If you would bless me today with a little help, it would be appreciated. I take cash, checks, and debit cards. I'd take credit cards but the machine is broken today. Mastercard and Visa only. Discover wants to big of a cut."

- Jackson and State

-- Submitted by Clyde

There is NOTHING wrong with baldness.

Girl: "I'm having a bad hair day. I've put in products and washed it and dried it and put in more products but it just doesn't seem to want to become a good hair day."

Guy: "Do you ever wonder when your hair is going to fall out from all the shit you put in it?"

Girl: "No. I'm more concerned with good hair and looking beautiful."

Guy: "Great. Just remember that bald is beautiful. Unless you're a girl. In college. Who's bald. And not beautiful. And you have to hide in your room all day because you look like Britney Spears on an umbrella rampage.

- Loyola

-- Submitted by Prod

Do you work for Chicago media?

Guy #1: "...the season is not fuckin' over! Jesus. What is it with you people? We're 3 games back with over 100 to play!"

Guy #2: "But they're doing terrible. We should just wait 'til next year."

Guy #1: (screaming) "There are over 100 games left! One hundred! The Indians came back from 15 back to almost take it 2 years ago and Minnesota took it on the last day of the season. One. Hundred. Fucking. Games. You people make me want to claw my eyes out."

Guy #2: "At least then you won't be able to see the embarrassment of the White Sox."

- U.S. Cellular

-- Submitted by Sox Fan

It's not good for growing plants then.

Guy: "I have a one year, ass remembering limit. If I saw your ass a year and a half ago, you can't expect me to remember."

Girl: "That's bullcrap. I guarantee you if you saw a stretchmarked, skintagged, wrinkly tush, it would be ingrained in your memory forever."

Guy: "Untrue. The nasty ones are pushed out by the sweet looking ones. It's like a hole that I keep filling with dirt. Except the dirt is made of asses."

- Northern Illinois University

-- Submitted by Roar

You'll make it up with "real" billable hours later.

Girl: (on cell) "I just finished my first year of law school. No, I can't go out drinking. You know how much money I just spent on those cells. I can't afford it!"

- Near Loyola, Loop

-- Submitted by Lisa

I like. HIGH FIVE!

Guy: (on cell) "STOP! Stop doing the fucking Borat impression. You suck at it. Yes you do. First it was that Chapelle shit. Then it was fucking Napoleon Dynamite. Now it's Borat. Are you this lost for your own personality? Can you not just go everyday and be Kyle? Don't go see the new Spiderman flick; you may try and swing from building to building and kill yourself. No. It's because you're that stupid."

- UIC

-- Submitted by JB

And when it delivers, he's going to end the world.

Grumpy Old Customer: "If this doesn't deliver by tomorrow morning, the world will come to an end."

- Lincoln Park

-- Submitted by Jaclyn

Gratuitous Title: HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME!

Plumbing Inspector (on phone): "Yo, Moe. Find any mothers on Mother's Day? I went to a restaurant with a handful of fifties and couldn't find any."

- Wilmette

-- Submitted by Erika

The trifecta is now complete.

Flamboyant Man: "Oh my god, that was amazing. I've finally done it. I've seen Madonna, Margaret Cho, and Bjork. I can die happy now."

- Auditorium Theatre, Bjork Show

-- Submitted by Steph

This could be my mother in law, except it would be much longer.

Woman: (on cell) "I can't talk very loud. Who is this? 630? What is that? Oh, Oak Park. I'm from Highland Park. I grew up with the rich kids, but I wasn't one of them. We were the Greek family. I'm on the subway. I'm going to meet my best friend. What are you going to do tonight? You have to work on a Saturday? What time do you work until? Oh, whenever you want. So do you want to meet up somewhere? Do you want to get a drink or coffee? I'm [name], what's your name? Ooh, that's an interesting name. Are you part Spanish or something? And how old are you? I'm an older woman. No, I'm very passive. About certain things. So how long have you been in the thing? It's been so interesting to learn about a subculture I never knew existed. Have you ever been to one of those places?"

- Purple Line

-- Submitted by Ivan

Just because you're on a diet, doesn't mean you can't look at the menu.

Man: (on cell) "Well, yeah, flirting is all fine, well, and good. But at the end of the night, who do you come home to? No, not your mom."

- Lincoln

-- Submitted by PhantomK

Probably stopped him from doing coke later.

Girl #1: "Yeah I remember my boyfriend in second grade was kind of a thug gangster."

Girl #2: "You mean he snorted glue?"

- 18th and Halsted

-- Submitted by Pillow Fighter

Call the family. Your life is over.

Mom: (seeing rotating plastic sleeve on toilet seat) "Oh, the toilet seat is conveniently covered with plastic."

Little Kid: "Yea, but you have to press the button to move it, otherwise you'll get OTHER BOOTY!"

Mom: "Oops, I forgot to do that first."

Kid: "Then you're screwed!"

- Union Station, Women's Washroom

-- Submitted by Diana

Good sales pitch.

Bum: "Donate something today. Help the homeless get a cup of coffee and fight terrorism. Your change will help the USA."

Happy Mothers Day to all the mothers out there, especially my wife and mom!

But the completely dead don't eat your brain.

Girl: (on cell) "I'm not going to the funeral. Because it's far away and gas is expensive. I don't care if she would have come to mine. Gas is, like, 80 dollars a gallon. That would make the trip to the funeral cost about $1000 dollars. No, I don't want you to pay. No. NO. I'm not flying out there. Yes, mom, because I don't like dead people. I mean, I usually hang out with zombies and such on the weekends, but the completely dead are way creepier than the undead."

- Red Line

-- Submitted by Gina

Or a sign that you need a club replaced.

Golfer #1: "GOD DAMN IT!"

Golfer #2: "What?"

Golfer #1: "My club just broke."

Golfer #2: "So?"

Golfer #1: "So? SO?! This is a sign of impending doom. Plagues. Natural disasters. The coming of the anti-Christ. Don't you understand that a broken club on the first outing of the year is the worst thing possible?"

- Edgebrook Golf Course

-- Submitted by Not Tiger

Hitler Chow

Girl: "If I don't get him some food, he'll starve."

Guy: "What kind are we looking for?"

Girl: "Eukanuba."

Guy: "You mean, Jew-kanuba?"

Girl: "When was the last time you got your ass kicked?"

Guy: "It's okay. I'm Jewish."

Girl: "That doesn't make you less retarded."

- Petsmart, Niles

-- Submitted by Puppy Lover

It would hurt less if he was punched in the groin.

Guy #1: "I feel as though I'm not appealing to women anymore. It's like I've lost my magic."

Guy #2: "You never had magic. They did. It's called alcohol. You should thank it."

Girl: "Don't be an asshole. He's a really nice guy."

Guy #1: "But being nice doesn't mean I'm appealing."

Girl: "No. You are. In that brother kind of way."

Guy #1: "Alcohol, you say?"

- Red Line

-- Submitted by Janine

Someone is wound a bit too tight.

Office Worker #1: "Hey, Jim, can you toss me a kleenex?"

Office Worker #2: "Can I 'toss' you a 'kleenex?' No! I can't 'toss' something that would land at my feet even with my best throw and it's not a god damn kleenex. It's a tissue. Don't inundate me with your brand name bullshit!"

- CNA Building

-- Submitted by Marty

Totally diralical.

Dork #1: "So, yeah. My buddies just called and they're behind my place at the lake, drinkin' beers and smoking joints."

Dork #2: "That's cool. Well you better buy that camping site now or else it'll cost you a grip."

Dork #3: "A what?"

Dork #2: "You know: a grip. You haven't heard that before?"

Dork #3: "What the hell does 'a grip' mean?"

Dork #1: "You are totally making that up, dude."

Dork #2: "A grip means, you know, a lot."

Dork #1: "Whatever"

- Red Line

-- Submitted by Dizzy

You're complaining about 250? Just wait.

Guy: "...and when we moved in together, we decided we should start a patio garden."

Girl: "Cool. Gardening is so relaxing and fun. And flowers are so pretty."

Guy: "Whatever. I bought about 250 bucks worth of gardening stuff. Pots, flowers, dirt, fertilizer, all that. All that came out was weeds. I should have burned the money."

- UIC

-- Submitted by Castagon

And worship him...

Brunette Co-ed: "Mr. Sharky hates it when you do that! Did you at least feed Darkness?"

- DePaul University

-- Submitted by Megan

Hopefully both.

Girl: "No. The first thing I think of in the morning is: 'Are my boobs bigger or is my stomach shrinking?' Usually, the answer is kind of. Sometimes the answer isn't as obvious as I want it to be."

- Loyola University

-- Submitted by Meep

My wife is going to kill you.

Breakfast Eater: "Pancakes are so yesterday."

- Pancake House on Clark and Amitage

-- Submitted by Sarah

The smell lasts longer than 6 hours in the heat.

Guy: "...and he just kept hacking, and vomitting, and hacking, and vomiting. And he was right in front of the window. It's like, dude, go to the grass or puke in your car or something. Some of us want to eat lunch in the next 6 hours."

- South Side

-- Submitted by Kevin

The new fad diet. (Warning, may lead to starvation.)

Girl: "I really need to lose weight. I'm going to become an herbivore and only consume veggies."

Guy: "Oh great idea. I'll become an airivore and only consumer air! I can't wait to be skinny!"

- The Kerryman Bar and Restaurant

-- Submitted by Kate

Sounds like a hot date.

(Sirens in the background)

Guy: "Uh-oh. The fire ants must have really started some shit."

Girl: "You're an idiot. Go jump in the polar bear pen."

- Lincoln Park Zoo

-- Submitted by Dixie Wrecked

You still have a 5 in 100 chance!

Drunk Woman: "Trust me, he's gay. 90% of the guys you date are. No, 95% of the guys you date are gay. I don't know why that is and it's probably not your fault, but it's true."

- Red Line

-- Submitted by B

Unless they're getting the right idea.

Guy: "The thing about that is,when you put your mouth on someone, it tends to give them the wrong idea."

Girl: "Makes sense, I guess."

- Union Station

-- Submitted by Blade

Because the burgers are SOOO much safer.

Creepy Dude: "Yo! Can I get one of them little cups?

Burger King Woman: "For what?"

Creepy Dude: "For some water!"

(Takes cup, gets water, and takes a sip. Immediately spits it out.)

Creepy Dude: "Damn! That water got acid in it!"

- Burger King, Fullerton and Southport

-- Submitted by Sam

JerkJerk

Guy: (on cell) "I don't know where I'm at. I'm not fucking TomTom! I don't have a map of the city in my head!"

- House of Blues

-- Submitted by A. Nonymous

Stop being all technical.

Guy #1: "I need a new computer."

Guy #2: "So buy one. What kind are you looking for?"

Guy #1: "I don't know. That's why we're here. But I don't want to ask the staff, because they usually just push the worthless, expensive stuff."

Guy #2: "Okay, well, what kind of features are you looking for?"

Guy #1: "I don't know. A computer. With a keyboard. And a screen. The usual."

Guy #2: "So you want a computer that has a screen and a keyboard? That's all?"

Guy #1: "No. A mouse, too. And not that animal kind. The computer kind."

- Best Buy, Golf Mill

-- Submitted by Tornado

Spring colds suck.

Girl #1: "I feel like my face is going to fall off."

Girl #2: "Poor baby. You think you're going to be okay?"

Girl #1: "As long as my nose stops producing snot babies, I think everything will be okay. These things are coming out at ten pounds, four ounces. I think I need an episiotomy."

- Loyola University

-- Submitted by Ramblin' Man

A battle of wills.

Lady: "What the fuck? Can't you see I'm tryin' to get off the fuckin' bus?"

Bus Driver: "First of all, my bad. Second of all, get off the fuckin' bus when I'm tryin' to close the fuckin' doors!"

- 55 Bus

-- Submitted by sealouse

Sounds like a cheap, poorly crafted heaven.

Girl # 1 : "I totally want to visit Sweden now. That would be so awesome."

Girl # 2 : "Why?"

Girl # 1 : "Because living in that country must be like living in Ikea world all the time!"

- Ikea, Schaumburg

-- Submitted by A Finn

So he likes karaoke?

Girl: "Oh well he should be funny, he's a stand up comedian! Well, not a standup comedian. He just sings these songs but changes the words to make them really funny. And then he performs them. At some places sometimes."

- Wrightwood and Racine

-- Submitted by Liz M

Death is not an option?

Guy #1: "Bald, crazy Britney or Kirsten Dunst?"

Guy #2: "K-fed."

- Loyola University

-- Submitted by Ego

Sound parental guidance.

Guy: (on cell) "...I'm not paying for school if you do that! No, Dean. No, I don't. You know what, fine. You have a face for radio and voice for shutting the hell up."

- Pink Line

-- Submitted by Yak

Gross.

Woman: (on cell) "...and all you see is a bunch of teeth flying. It was like a tooth ATM in his mouth and someone just took out a HUGE withdrawal."

- Sauk Village

-- Submitted by Leotard

It's about pride, sir.

Wife: "So, the principal calls and tells me that a kid on the playground bet him $30 that he wouldn't eat a worm so he ate it!"

Father: "Did he collect the $30?"

- Charlie's Coffee House

-- Submitted by Connor Hill