The power of alcohol.

Guy: (on cell) "...and then I started sobering up and looked at her. She was just huge. I immediately went soft. I looked at her, looked at my flaccid wang, and just left. I put my underwear on as I walked out the door and the rest of my clothes were just under my arm."

- Howard Street Station

-- Submitted by TexMex

That's one macho dream, brother.

Guy: "And I woke up in a cold sweat. I've had dreams about personalities before, but last nights with Hulk Hogan and Macho Man was intense. There was no sex, thankfully. I think their combined power would have torn me in half."

- Loyola University

-- Submitted by sheep

First impressions.

New VIP: "I think I ate something that did not agree with me."

Secretary: "Why do you say that?"

New VIP: "I'm about to have an ass-plosion, that's why. Where did you say the bathroom was?"

Secretary: "Over there! OVER THERE!"

- 30 N. LaSalle

-- Submitted by Just Me

Sounds right.

Guy: "And the keys to being a manager? That's easy. Do little work. Hook up with the right people. Blame everyone else. Kiss the owners ass, when applicable. Show up late. Accumulate huge expense reports which have little to do with work."

Girl: "Don't forget the two important ones: Talk about how you finished at the top of your class at Shitty U. and barely speak proper English. I had one guy who couldn't write one letter words without using a dictionary."

- Subway Restaurant, 177 N. Wells

-- Submitted by Mike

Gratitude.

Hobo: "Be an angel and give me some change darlin'. A little help."

Upstanding Girl: "Why don't I give you my card? I work with a group who gets the homeless back on their feet. We even have a place for you to stay."

Hobo: "Homeless? HOMELESS? Bitch, if I was homeless, I'd be dead. Damn Chicago weather goes to a million below. You think I could survive that with two newspapers and a box? You must be out yo' god damn mind!"

- State and Jackson

-- Submitted by frizz

Sugary cravings.

Girl: (on cell) "All I remember is waking up with gobs of peanut butter under my arm. I had bought about 15 bags of gummi bears and 30 peanut butter cups. Were we going to bake a peanut butter bear cake or something?"

- Pink Line

-- Submitted by Angelie

March Sadness

Bracket Buster: "I'm this close to winning the pool."

Sad Guy: "I thought this was my year. I watched the NCAA religiously. I even played the video game to give me extra insight. Why is it that you're always in it?"

Bracket Buster: "You go in thinking too much. Who will upset who, road records, shooting percentages, blah, blah, blah. You need to relax and realize that it just takes luck and figuring out the winners instead of trying to guess the losers."

Sad Guy: "How do you propose I do that?"

Bracket Buster: "Easy. Give this winner the money before you even try. Loser."

- East Bank Club

-- Submitted by Cliff

Man's got a point.

Heckler: "Go home, hillbillies! A bunch of men running around in panties, playing bitchfight, then laughing at you guys as you pay a ton of money. It's a big joke! All this stuff is fake!"

WWE Fan: "Aren't all non-reality shows on TV fake? And aren't half the reality shows pretty scripted anyway? Why are you here anyway?"

Heckler: "I see you aren't saying anything about the panties."

- Outside Allstate Arena, before WWE Raw show

-- Submitted by Hulkamania

Bears fans are dedicated.

Bears Fan #1: "Lance Briggs needs to shut up, take his measly 7.2 million, and play."

Bears Fan #2: "Seriously. I know he's worried about long term security, but you can do a lot with 7.2 million over a long time."

Bears Fan #1: "Yeah. Go out and perform again now, asshole. I'm going to boo him until I'm blue and orange in the face."

Bears Fan #2: "Unless he scores a touchdown. Then we cheer."

Bears Fan #1: "Or an interception. Or sack. Other than that, booing til we can't breathe."

- ESPNZone

-- Submitted by airhockey

Unfortunately, yeah. But we're trying.

White Guy: "Why don't you come over? You can come to my home...home-BOYYYYY!"

Black Guy: "Do you realize how big of a dork you are? I mean, you white people need to catch up with new black slang, don't you?"

- DePaul University

-- Submitted by a-list

Good choice.

Guy: "There is no way in hell I would sleep with Kevin Federline, even for a million. Besides being straight, I would be at risk for contracting stupid and wannabe."

- Loyola University

-- Submitted by The Body

Physics is close to phys ed, right?

Woman #1: "Oh, University of Chicago, Class of 2008, what classes are you taking?"

Woman #2: "Mostly physics."

Woman #1: "Oh, so you're going to be a gymnastics teacher or something?"

Woman #2: "No, a physicist. You know, a researcher."

Woman #1: "Oh, so you're going to research gymnastics."

Woman #2: "Not exactly."

- 55 Bus

-- Submitted by Kate

She's a keeper.

Girl: (on cell) "I don't care what he says, I'm still his girlfriend. You're his best friend! Tell him that!"

- Downtown bus

-- Submitted by Mike Rowder

It does a body good.

Guy #1: "I'm not fighting him. No chance."

Guy #2: "You don't have to fight him. Don't be an idiot."

Guy #1: "Don't worry. It's not happening. I didn't drink my milk today anyway. Not enough calcium in the fists."

- Hawkeye's

-- Submitted by Asdf

Must have sucked on the way out.

Old woman: "The horse my granddaughter was riding swallowed a pebble but it ended up being a five pound rock."

- Kmart

-- Submitted by Elora

Well played, sir.

Girl: "We can't be with each other anymore. You're too nice of a guy and I don't think we work well with each other."

Guy: "I'm too nice to you? Well, you smell like a rotten fish in bed."

Girl: "You're a dick."

Guy: "Does this mean we're getting back together?"

- Leone Park, Rogers Park

-- Submitted by LMAO

It's warming up. Maybe you need a new T-Shirt for the summer?

Good point.

Guy: "I used to think it was hot to watch lesbians."

Girl: "What changed?"

Guy: "I realized that was just two more women I wouldn't have a chance with."

- IIT

-- Submitted by Gary

Quite a lesson.

Guy: (on cell) "I'll tell you what I learned today: If I wake up at 6:30 in the morning, I get a boobie show."

- Purple Line

-- Submitted by Crab

They're paying the pests to stay away.

Girl #1: "I'm not going with you!"

Girl #2: "But Whole Foods is totally organic. You know that it's the healthiest for you!"

Girl #1: "Fine. You explain to me why organic food is more expensive then. If they aren't using pesticides and chemicals, shouldn't the shit cost less?"

- DePaul Campus

-- Submitted by Blue Hottie

Manties were in fashion back then.

Guy: (on cell) "So I went to see '300' the other day. Yeah it was good. Nice and violent. You know how I like it. Basically, yeah, except they were all running around in manties."

- Brown Line

-- Submitted by Elora

Those aren't under the same major.

Girl: "When I finish, I figure I have two career paths: librarian or porn star."

- Blue Line

-- Submitted by Wood

To our less sober riders on St. Patrick's Day.

Conductor: "All right, all right, all right now, folks. I got feelings, but this train ain't got no feelings. So let's talk about safety: don't even be playin' around my train. I don't wanna see you dancin'. This train ain't got no feelings and it'll snatch yo' ass off the platform like THAT."

- Red Line

-- Submitted by Not that guy

Cartoon reality.

Girl #1: "My head hurts."

Girl #2: "Are you on your period?"

Girl #1: "No."

Girl #2: "Hungover?"

Girl #1: "No."

Girl #2: "Where does it hurt?"

Girl #1: "Right behind my eyes. Like something is pushing them out of my skull. You think I have eye cancer?"

Girl #2: "I doubt it. Maybe you're just holding in some air and your head is expanding a little."

- Red Line

-- Submitted by CTA Rider

I'm hip. I can get jiggy.

Guy: (looking at girl's shirt) "Hey. A black flag. What does that mean?"

Girl: "Uh. Have you ever heard of Henry Rollins?"

Guy: "I know Master P! Make em say UGGGGGH!"

Girl: "Na na na na."

- Subway on Wabash

-- Submitted by ColleenCatherine

Next time, offer broccoli.

Guy: "What did you bring for lunch?"

Girl: "A banana."

Guy: "Won't you be hungry?"

Girl: "No. I'll eat it really slowly. That way, it'll last the whole day and I won't worry about eating until I get home."

Guy: "The whole day? Won't it get brown and nasty? Do you want me to buy you a sandwich?"

Girl: "I said I'm eating a god damn banana. Stop forcing your devil food into me!"

- 1 N. Wacker Drive

-- Submitted by Xavy

All you need is a new addiction and the trip was complete.

Guy #1: "...and all I can remember is Tequila, hookers, and vomit."

Guy #2: "Easy to explain. We gave you the tequila, you picked up the hookers on your way home, and you probably vomitted in the middle of drinking while getting some."

Guy #1: "Spring break was fucking AWESOME."

Guy #2: "Totally awesome."

- Loyola University

-- Submitted by Blair

So she's "experienced."

Guy: "Seriously, dude. It's like sticking your dick in a petrie dish of disease. Do NOT sleep with that bitch."

- Southport

-- Submitted by brazilia

Wait. She teaches them what? Is she looking for volunteers?

Woman: (on cell) "Yeah. I'm SO sure she's excited to see my family. Great conversation. So I hear you teach women how to give blowjobs. So, why are you divorced again? Oh. Because you're a bitch. Yeah, I'm real excited to see her."

- Northbrook

-- Submitted by Rahis

Welcome to Bitch. Population: This chick.

Girl: "I just can't wait for it all to be over. Real world. Real job. Real friends. It's going to be awesome."

Guy: "Real friends? What the fuck is that supposed to mean? What the hell am I?"

Girl: "You're great and all, but what can you do for me when we leave college? I'm on a path to success and can't drag along dead weight."

Guy: "Then I'd leave your brain somewhere. "

- Loyola University

-- Submitted by Ramblin' Man

This is post number 1000. Yay.

Guy: (on cell) "It was a big deal dude. Super big deal. Like Mecha-Godzilla eating a bunch of hippies and then spitting them out on PETA headquarters big."

- Blue Line

-- Submitted by Carolyn C.

Best of both worlds?

Guy: (on cell) "You've asked me 'What's up?' 15 times in a row. Are you looking for something? Do you want me to tell you some juicy tidbit that I've been hiding for the past 14 'What's up's?' Fine. You know what? I'm dumping you for a tranny. That's right. A chick with a dick. I was going to tell you at 'What's up?' number 3, but I was nervous. After 15, I now realize that I don't have to be. Me and my shemale are going back to my place to rock out with our cocks out."

- Grant Park

-- Submitted by The Listener

(And if you could, keep clicking an ad or two before you leave. It'll all be explained soon.)

And less clowns.

Guy: "Going to the funeral was like going to a parade. Only sad. And my grandma was dead."

- UIC

-- Submitted by Carly

Damn you, "The L Word!"

Guy #1: "The cool part is that one of the kids has two mom's."

Guy #2: "Awesome."

Guy #1: "That's what I thought. But they aren't what you see on TV. I don't think I'd invite these chicks back to my place to see what happens."

Guy #2: "Not even to watch?"

Guy #1: "Not even to watch."

- Blue Line

-- Submitted by Harley Rider

He was in a group of yutes.

Tough Guy: "I probably watch 'My Cousin Vinny' three times a week."

- United Center

-- Submitted by Butchie

I don't even know what to say.

Teen #1: "I so wanna be Britney right now."

Teen #2: "I know. She gets all the boys, has all this money, and parties, parties, parties."

Teen #1: "Seriously. She may be a little nuts right now, but shaved heads are so cool. Maybe we should shave our heads?"

Teen #2: "Yeah. Then we can be just like her!"

Teen #1: "We just need to date rock stars and rappers."

Guy: "You want to imitate the nut job, go ahead. But if you EVER call Kevin Federline a rapper again, I'm going to end you painfully."

- Gurnee Mills

-- Submitted by Radon

Infantilism at its worst.

Guy: (on cell) "All I know is that when I woke up, I had an Elmo doll under my ass and a pacifier in my ear. It was NOT comfortable."

- Green Line

-- Submitted by Happy Jay

And that he's bringing sexy with him.

Mom: "Holy crap! When did Justin cut his hair? It's so short. I miss the afro."

Daughter: "Probably his way of telling Britney he wants to get back together."

- Justin Timberlake Concert at the Allstate Arena

-- Submitted by Lena


Thanks to those who clicked (and don't stop for the sake of stopping.) Everything will be discussed soon.

Thank you, hippies, for taking discipline away.

Teen #1: "...and they checked my MySpace page."

Teen #2: "That's bull. Parent's shouldn't be allowed to spy on you through your myspace page."

Teen #3: "Maybe you shouldn't set yourself up to get caught by putting stupid shit ON your myspace page? You think if you didn't have a name like 'Loves to Smoke' they'd give a damn? You're an idiot."

Teen #1: "Freedom of speech, man. I can say and do whatever I want. My parents shouldn't be allowed to control me."

Teen #2: "Yeah. He needs a place to express himself to his friends. MySpace is his outlet."

Teen #3: "Are you guys kidding me?! Your parents should have beaten the crap out of you. Ever hear of a phone? Or actually TALKING to people?"

- Northbrook Court

-- Submitted by Ryan

It's harsh weather.

Girl: "Today is the most beautiful day ever. Perfect temp. Great wind. The sun is out. Awesome."

Guy: "Yeah. It's great out, but you realize it's going to get back down to the thirties in a couple days, right?"

Girl: "What?! Stupid Chicago. Why does the weather here like to stroke your hair and kiss your face and then punch you in the stomach while it sticks a 2X4 up your ass?"

- Grant Park

-- Submitted by Lacy

That's where the nerds congregate.

Guy #1: "...and the time to pick a grad school is coming up real quick."

Guy #2: "What are your options?"

Guy #1: "George Washington, Case Western, and Princeton."

Guy #2: "DC, Cleveland, and Jersey? For real? Did you pick grad schools based on shittiest location?"

- Northwestern University

-- Submitted by Donella

It's never good to have sand down there.

Girl: "We were totally getting hot and heavy. You know how I get when I get a little drinky drink."

Guy: "You mean 'whoreish.'"

Girl: "Whatever. But we're totally making out, and then start doing it. That's when it happened. He started breathing on me. I must have been to drunk to taste it, but that smell. It was like a cat ate a dead rat and then died in his mouth. I got so turned off, I turned into the Sahara down there."

- Loyola

-- Submitted by Cath

Wasn't there another bench?

Guy #1: "Are you using this bench?"

Guy #2: "Yeah. I'm using this bench, that machine, and this seat. I'm having a full workout day."

Guy #1: "A full workout day? If they were giving awards for giving half-assed, half-movement workouts, you'd win."

Guy #2: "Excuse me?"

Guy #1: "You're like that fat guy who comes to the gym, does one rep of an easy weight, and then takes a 10 minute break to chat with some random dude while you sweat profusely and talk about how ripped you're getting. All the while, you're still a sweaty, smelly fat ass who's absorbing my oxygen. If you're going to use three pieces of equipment, at least friggin' do something."

- Lifetime Fitness, Schaumburg

-- Submitted by Musclehead

That would scare the children.

Guy: "I don't get it. This holiday is all about Jesus, right? So what's with the rabbit and the eggs and the coloring and shit? Shouldn't it be a solemn event instead of an easter bunny party?

Girl: "Yeah. It is about Jesus. But what are you gonna do?"

Guy: "At least have SOME semblance of Jesus in there. Strap the bunnies to crosses or something. Or give them the stigmata."

- Loyola

-- Submitted by Dana

A quarter? You're going to need a $50.

Homeless Guy: "Come on folks. I ain't askin' for a lot. Just some change. Not dignity. Not respect. I don't even want your pity or sympathy. Nothin' like that. I just want a quarter so I can buy a moccahino. Is that too much to ask?"

- Lake and Wacker

-- Submitted by Rick D.

Must be busy.

Guy #1: "I do call her. I call her in the morning to see if she's home. I call her at lunch to see if she's at work. I even call her at night, to say, good night, I love you, stuff like that. I even call her when I want to share funny stories or my feelings. She never answers the phone."

Guy #2: "You might as well go stand in the bushes in front of her condo."

Guy #1: "No, dude. That would be stalking. Guys like that are creepy."

- Red Line

-- Submitted by Paul

Like telling a banana to split.

Guy #1: "...Then I told him to move his towel. So he starts bitching at me. It was enough at that point, so I kind of go off. We start a stupid arguement and then he tries to finish it by telling me to 'get my fat ass out of the gym.'"

Guy #2: "Get your fat ass out of the gym? Isn't that like telling a hungry guy to get out of a free buffet line?"

- Red Line

-- Submitted by Ara

If I could be like Mike.

Future NBA Star: "I'm gonna take it to the hole, jump over you, and then dunk right into your ass. You're gonna look pregnant."

Defender: "That would take skills. But you're pretty much used to dunking into people's asses, so you may be able to pull it off."

- Northwestern Rec Center

-- Submitted by John

A true friend coming through in a pinch.

Guy: "I'm just wondering what the size ratio is. Are little dogs just big poopers or is it because they're small it looks like a big poop?"

girl: "I don't know."

Guy: "So it's like a midget with a regular sized basketball?"

Girl: "Remind me to measure my dog and his crap side by side next time."

- Depaul, Lincoln Park Campus

-- Submitted by Tealady

Hey Guys and Gals, "Digg" and "Del.icio.us" buttons are now on every post.

Must be getting close to graduation.

Guy: "I'm just stuck. I have no job lined up, don't want to use my degree, and feel like sleeping all day."

Girl: "So go get a master's in something you want to do. Or explore different things and stick with something. I mean, you've go to like something, right?"

Guy: "I like collecting rocks and seashells, I like watching porn, and I like beer. You think I can combine the three into some sort of career?"

- UIC

-- Submitted by Gil

Don't tell her. She'll smell it.

Girl: "The seats are dirty. The people are dirty. Wait until I tell my mom you made me take the train!"

- Red Line

-- Submitted by Ruthie

Dear Lance Briggs: Shut up. Love, Bears Fans.

Bears Fan #1: "He's totally getting disrespected. No long term contract? No stability? The guy has been awesome."

Bears Fan #2: "Disrespect? He plays in a defense that caters to the weak side. He plays next to one of the best middle linebackers in the game. He's an interchangeable piece in a fantastic defense. By getting the tag, they're telling him, 'We can't afford to lose you.' How is he getting disrespected?"

Bears Fan #1: "He should get a new contract. The franchise tag is hokey and disrespectful."

Bears Fan #3: "I wish I was disrespected to the tune of $7.2 million. Will you guys franchise tag me?"

Bears Fan #2: "Sure. But what's the average salary of the top 5 idiots in your position? 12 bucks?"

- Buffalo Wild Wings, Skokie

-- Submitted by Jerry

Actually, you're Ban Ki-Moon, but, you know, details.

Man: (on cell) "When I get home, I want divorce papers. Signed. I'm not kidding this time. I'm sick and tired of coming home to you every day. It's like coming home to a dictator, except they usually put the people they destory out of their misery. You have this knack for making the pain and suffering continue. The UN is coming to destroy you, baby, and I'm Kofi Annon!"

- Outside CNA building

-- Submitted by Wiggums

Seek treatment immediately.

Bum: "I peed the blood. I peed the blood. I peeeeeeeeeed the blood!"

- Depaul Loop Building

-- Submitted by Chris

Hopefully it's not his sister.

Man #1: "...but you didn't have to set me up with her."

Man #2: "You said you wanted to meet her. I thought it may be a good match."

Man #1: "I talked to her on the phone once. Said she had a cute voice."

Man #2: "She does."

Man #1: "But she looks like she just got hit in the face with a frying pan. Her eyes come out farther than her nose!"

- Metra Union Pacific Northwest

-- Submitted by Crazy Larry

Must be out of sick days.

Woman: "So why the hell did you come in to work? You think spreading disease is a good thing? No one wants your god damn flu. I swear that if I get sick and it's what you've got, I'm going to blow up your house. I can't afford the sickness right now."

- Lakeview Office

-- Submitted by Tina

Yowza

Guy: (on cell) "And when I used to watch commercials that said your hair is the worst thing you can find in the shower, I used to think, 'Yeah. Totally.' I guess they've never found their wife in the shower with another dude."

- Blue Line

-- Submitted by Pol

What if I date two. And call them "my bitches?"

Guy: "Dude. Just because you're dating a black chick, doesn't give you street cred."

- Wild Goose Bar

-- Submitted by Pete

She had to be talking to a potential girlfriend. Had to.

Woman: (on cell) "Well. I just wanted you to know that when he was a little boy, his brother and sisters held him down and put hot sauce on his penis."

- Applebees near Loyola

-- Submitted by Elora

A relationship made in heaven.

Woman: "When we get home, I need you to clean the basement and vacuum."

Man: "When we get home I need you to go to hell."

- Woodfield Mall

-- Submitted by Bobbie J.

I think that she thinks that you're an idiot.

Guy: (on cell) "You have to make her think that you think that he thinks that you don't care. You know how she is. She's a total bitch. Right. So if she thinks that you don't think that he cares, then you totally win. You have to go in thinking the right thoughts. Without thinking the right thoughts, you're done. D. U. N. Done. Think about it."

- Purple Line

-- Submitted by Gail

Kids: Respecting their elders since the beginning of time.

Little boy: "Bitches: move off this elevator. Let's go!"

- Daley Center

-- Submitted by South Side

You won't get the chance after you jump out a window.

Student: "You can't O.D. on acid! That's an old wives tale."

- University of Chicago

-- Submitted by B

Not even for parades?

Man: "It's good that you guys come down here. You know we're not all bad down here."

Girl #1: "We know that."

Man: "Just because I wear jewelry and have more than $2 in my pocket doesn't mean I'm a gangster."

Girl #2: "Jewelry's fun! I love earrings."

Man: "Now don't get me wrong, I'm not like one of those fruity men, I like women a lot, sometimes I like them too much, it gets me in trouble. Though not as much now that I'm getting older. I don't really get that excited by women anymore, in fact, I can't get excited anymore."

- South Side

-- Submitted by Student

Interesting odor, I bet.

Woman: "I think I just stepped on a rat that wallowed around in someone's vomit! GROSS!"

- Jackson

-- Submitted by Sweet

So, you'll do it?

Guy: "No. I'm not going to have sex with her. If you think I'm going to have sex with her, than you're an idiot. It's the most insane, absurd thing I've ever heard you say. NO! My bread is NOT going into her toaster, okay?"

- Metra Heritage Corridor

-- Submitted by Potato