That's a lot of alcohol!

Girl: "The only thing we're going to be doing is drinking. No boys. No stupid amateur night parties. Nothing. We're going to lock the door and drink until Carson Daly looks hot again. Got it?"

- Lincoln Park

-- Submitted by Allisa

Have a Happy, Healthy, and Safe New Year!!

I want her to really do it next time.

Girl: "Usually it's me who has the problem. So what's your deal?"

Guy: "I just wanted to be treated with respect. It's like you've decided that in order to like me, you have to take one of my balls away, while stomping on the other and laughing."

Girl: "So why are we together?"

Guy: "Because we're in love."

- U of C

-- Submitted by Sig

Starting off '09 right!

Guy: (on cell) "...because everytime we go out for New Years, I end up seeing you pantsless. Not this year, pal."

- Red Line

-- Submitted by Kalpesh

The hangover is gonna suck

Happy Drunk Man:"I'm a Genuine American Alcoholic! I've been drunk for...ten million years!"

- Michigan and Chicago

-- Submitted by Eric P.

Someone's in the Christmas spirit!

Girl #1: "If the flight was any worse, I think I would have gone crazy."

Girl #2: "Seriously. That plane ride was awful. And those kids. UGH!"

Girl #1: "Yeah. I would have beaten them, except I didn't want their yucky drool all over my shoes."

Girl #2: "That would have totally ruined Christmas break for us."

- O'hare

-- Submitted by Nadia

Easy enough. Here's a penny.

Guy: (on cell) "Well, there's two things you can get me. Cash and things I can return to the store for cash."

- Metra South Shore

-- Submitted by Cal

Someone has a case of the Monday's!

Man: "How's everything going?"

Woman: "It's super, god damn cold and I'm eating a fucking apple. How do you think it's going?"

- Merchandise Mart

-- Submitted by Isaiah

A positive spin.

Man: (on cell) "...At least with all the layoffs, the moening commute may get better. I mean, they'll be sleeping in, right?"

- West Loop

-- Submitted by Gloria

A positive spin.

Man: (on cell) "...At least with all the layoffs, the moening commute may get better.

I think these two are going to make it.

Woman: (on cell) "Well, honey, of course I'd prefer that you didn't kill yourself. Especially not around the holidays."

- Michigan Ave outside the Apple store

-- Submitted by Franny

I think these two are going to make it.

Woman: (on cell) "Well, honey, of course I'd prefer that you didn't kill yourself. Especially not around the holidays."

- Michigan Ave outside the Apple store

-- Submitted by Franny

They get tired of the regular scenery

Girl #1: "Do you think the security guards are watching us?"

Girl 2: "The way we've been acting, I wouldn't be surprised if they had popcorn!"

- Field Museum

-- Submitted by Angel

Sounds like a....wait for it...hairy situation

Girl: "It's just frustrating that everytime I look up his nose, it looks like a sasquatch shed his fur in it. It's his only negative."

- Loyola

-- Submitted by Hate

Listen to your friend.

Guy: (on cell) "Well, if you're that worried about it, stop whacking off at the office!"

- Purple line

-- Submitted by Night

Again?

Girl: "I need to get my nails done. Where's a cheap place around here?"

Guy: "My bedroom."

Girl: "I'm not falling for that one again!"

- Columbia

-- Submitted by Den

Better than a no?

Girl #1: "He totally asked me out. I was so excited, I didn't know what to say."

Girl #2: "That's so exciting. He's so cute."

Girl #1: "That's why I'm mad. I gave him a 'definite maybe.'"

- Maine West High School

-- Submitted by Janey

Doesn't it, though?

Guy: (on cell) "Just because I was checking out the men for men section, it doesn't mean anything."

- Red Line

-- Submitted by Brass

Nothing says frills like Fruit Loops.

Girl: "I always thought you were the 'Fruit-Loop' kind."

Guy: "Huh. Well, no frills for me."

Girl: "That's good."

- University of Chicago

- Submitted by matt

Chop, chop?

Guy: (on cell) "How the hell am I supposed to bring my leg closer to my body when it's attached, dumbass?"

- Outside the Aon Building

-- Submitted by Howdy

Have the girl call me

Guy: "Given the choice between having sex with you and eating one of these, I would choose the brownie every time."

- Downtown

-- Submitted by I Agreed

She won't pay for the bypass.

(Watching the Biggest Loser)

Guy #1: "I love this show! The girl trainer is hot."

Guy #2: 'I'd almost consider gaining 100 lbs to have her whip me into shape."

- Waiting room at Northwestern Memorial

-- Submitted by Maria

So....the beach.

Girl: "I was in the Atlantic once; in the shallow end."

Guy: "There's a shallow end?"

Girl: "Yeah, it's the non-deep end."

- UIC

-- Submitted by Chmp

Economic rule #1: Discipline.

(Young boy reaching for a soda)

Mom: "What are you doin'?"

Boy: "I'm just going to get a pop!"

Mom: "You better pop your ass back over to this line."

- Target, South side

-- Submitted by Joelle

I hope the speaker was standing.

Commuter: (on cell) "What's up? Nothing much, I'm just on the train and there's a man with a small child and no one will give him a seat and it's really pissing me off."

(later)

"Oh good! Someone gave him a seat 'cus they heard me shame them."

- Brown Line

-- Submitted by Steph

Where they sharpen hair?

Girl: (on cell) "Yeah. I'm on my way now. I'll call you when I'm done. I'm on my way to the Hair Cutlery."

- Damen Blue Line

-- Submitted by BigTab

Or you could switch schools.

Law Student #1: "I think that one of the best things about becoming pirates is the disgrace we will cause DePaul when we eventually get caught and tell our story."

Law Student #2: "We should probably leave copies of our diplomas on every person we shoot."

Law Student #1: "Done."

- 25 East Jackson

-- Submitted by Law Student

The important issues.

Girl: "You knew Blago was corrupt, right?"

Guy: "He is #4 out of the last 8 to have problems. It's not like his hair made him any more solid."

Girl: "Are you kidding? He uses more product than a Cher impersonator!"

- Roosevelt University

-- Submitted by #5

Tongue tied

Guy: "Sabathia signed and he's going to be the Yankers anchee. Er Yankers anchor. Forget it. He's rich. Fuck off."

- CNA Building

-- Submitted by Heath

What do you get in return?

Woman: (on cell) "Do you know what you're paying me? You're a bitch and 13 cents!"

- Michigan Ave

-- Submitted by Lazer

Here comes the fallout. Thanks Rod!

Guy: (on cell) "'In Rod we trust,' my ass. His name should be Ratan."

- Red Line

-- Submitted by E-Claire

TSA: We treat you like royalty!

(Guy tries walking through the metal detector while talking on his phone.)

TSA Guy #1: "Hold up! You can't go through here on that! (to the other inspector) Hey, do you see this guy! He tried to go through ON his phone!"

TSA Guy #2: "He still has his shoes on too! What kind of an idiot does that?''

TSA Guy #1: "This one! That's who!"

- O'Hare

-- Submitted by LN

You'll probably hit a cheek.

Thug: "I'm gonna beat yo' ass in the face!"

- #12 Roosevelt

-- Submitted by Elena

Attention: I'm going to become a mail carrier!

Boss: "The mail carrier is on vacation again!?"

Assistant: "I know"

Boss: "You know all they do is stay home and fuck each other."

- Office in Chicago

-- Submitted by Anonymous

He had to tell her for a reason, right?

Girl: "...and I'm afraid I'd lose him in the crowd."

Guy: "Why don't you get a tracker?"

Girl: "Like they do with seals and penguins?"

Guy: "Yeah. Except get one you don't have to shoot him with."

- Park Ridge

-- Submitted by Ben

Take blame? HA!

Guy: (on cell) "I have no control over your middle finger, Rob. So stop blaming me for your fights!"

- Green Line

-- Submitted by Janey

I hate this guy. A lot.

Guy: "Think I should get playoff tickets?"

Girl: "Didn't you just ask me for grocery money?"

Guy: "Right. Because I can't take food money out of the fun funds."

- Metra Union Pacific West

-- Submitted by For Real?

Asked and answered.

Girl #1: "Ask him out. What's the worst he can say?"

Girl #2: "He can say 'Go out with a diseased whore who has daddy issues? Pass.'"

- Loyola Water Tower Campus

-- Submitted by Ramblin' Man

Either way, call back.

Guy: (on cell) "I'm walking under the 'L,' so if the phone goes silent I either lost signal or a train fell on my head."

- Roosevelt and State

-- Submitted byLucy

Which one makes you think people care?

Woman: "Oh, she was responding to my LiveJournal entry from the other day. I actually have three LiveJournals. One's my life journal, for updates on my regular life. The other is my angsty 'I hate the world' journal. And the third is the 'I'm smarter than everyone else' introspective journal."

- House of Noodles Sushi

-- Submitted by Sickboy

Wait 'til Monday.

Girl #1: "I have to go to work today."



Girl #2: "Why on the weekend?"



Girl #1: "I forgot to fire someone yesterday."



- 151 bus



-- Submitted by tj

Uh. 3.

Girl: "...and I don't even know how to go about getting a threesome together!"

Guy: "Well, how many people could we be talking about here?"

- Northwestern

-- Submitted by Jakey

Facebook Fan Page

There is now an Overheard in Chicago Fan Page on Facebook.

Become a fan, friend me, stare lovingly at the page. Your choice!

Half plucked, half feathered

Guy (in a hat): "I just got a haircut. I'm not so sure about it."

Girl: "I think you should come over tomorrow sans hat so I can properly judge for myself!"

Guy: "My head looks like a 14lb turkey."

Girl: "Before or after it got plucked?"

- Hoffman Estates

-- Submitted by Julie

But it's PERFECT!

(after watching "perfect" pushup commercial)

Girl: "Do they think saying 'laminated workout cards' in a fast, raspy voice makes them any more than crappy? And how many different workouts can you get a pushup?"

- UIC

-- Submitted by Carol

That's comforting.

Guy: (on cell) "No, no, it's ok. Don't worry. I'll eat your heart."

- Congress and Wabash

-- Submitted by Molly

I love double entendres!

Girl: "I'm much better at pool when I'm drunk."

Guy: "Must be your penchant for alcohol assisted, indiscriminate pole selection."

- Northwestern

-- Submtted by Helene

Because fingernails aren't made of metal. Psycho.

Woman: (on cell) "Jen? Jenny?! Oh my god! My fingernails broke. No! Three of them! I need to go call my therapist. Why does this always happen?!?"

- North Side

-- Submitted by Rebecca

It could kinda be a contest.

Guy #1: "What kind of contest is it?"

Guy #2: "A 'you're fat' so shut up."

Guy #1: "That's not a contest. Jerk."

- South Loop

-- Submited by Newb

Happy Thanksgiving!!

Guy: ''Well, there's no chance I'll have THAT music stuck in my head for the next three days.''

Girl: ''It's modern opera - it is what it is.''

Guy: ''Yeah. What it is, is sucky.''

- Lyric Opera lobby during intermission

-- Submitted by misterb

(Back on Monday!)

Honesty: not always the best policy.

Woman: (on cell) "You can't bring your parents because they smell. Happy, Dean?"

- Union Station

-- Submitted by Felipe

No. It's not.

Girl: "My eyes are killing me. I think I have pink eye. Can you check?"

Guy: "Sure."

(Girl closes her eyes.)

Guy: "Open your eyes."

Girl: "No. It's on my eyelid!"

- DePaul

-- Submitted by Lara

Fun night?

Girl: (on cell) "Hi Chrissy, it's Jenny. Sorry I didn't call you back last night. I completely blacked out. I woke up with a party hat on and cigarette butt holes all over the place. I'm on my way to Taco Bell now, but give me a call later and let me know what's going on....."

- #22 Clark Bus

-- Submitted by Dtrain

Really. What a moron.

Guy #1: "We should make up our own language. Like Klingon!"

Guy #2: "Why not learn Klingon?"

Guy #1: "Already been done, idiot!"

- Northwestern

-- Submitted by Lasso

So stop. Or will your mom get mad?

Guy: (on cell) "I'm tired of clenching my damn abs, mom!"

- Jackson and State

-- Submitted by Benn

That's gratitude.

Woman #1: "Hey, can you give me any change?"

Woman #2: "No, I've got nothing. Sorry."

Woman #1: "That's okay--BITCH-ASS!"

- Lawrence and Broadway

-- Submitted by Spinner

Raise your hand if you need to look up 'pederast' on google.

Grizzled Man: (On Cell) "They can't call you a pederast just because that kid says you're a pederast. Well, at least it was a nice funeral."

-Blue Line

-- Submitted by Tom

If you're not part of the solution...

Guy: "A lot of people are starting to worry about inflation."

Girl: "What's inflation?"

Guy: "It's when the value of money goes up."

Girl: "Oh."

(The guy starts explaining inflation in detail, all of which is wrong.)

Guy: "So basically its like everything is on sale."

Girl: "You're complicated."

- University of Chicago

-- Submitted by Steve Sp

Sound advice from a guy in the know

Homeless Guy: "If I'm the auto dudes, I'm going to Congress and askin' for 50 trillion dollars. You gotta start 'um high and work 'um down. Business basics, man. That's why they failin'.''

- Wacker and Jackson

-- Submitted by Bob

This woman is probably awesome to hang out with

Angry Woman: "If that bitch ask to see my I.D. one more time, I'm goin' crazy. I don't look like no 21 year old and you are NOT putting lameass 'you look young' compliment on me. Ho."

- West Side

-- Submitted by Noah

She needs to try chewing a bear.

Girl: "I wish gummi bears were more gum than mi bears. Then I could blow gum bear bubbles."

- Niles West High School

-- Submitted by Greg

I prefer the one about the furry lobster.

Girl: "Turn the radio up! This is that song about the balding shrimp!"

- Deerfield High School

-- Submitted by Kyle

Good luck with that.

Student #1: "This semester my goal is straight A's."

Student #2: "That's mozt students' goal."

Student #1: "Right. But I don't want to read the books. Or go to class. Or do anything really."

- Loyola University

-- Submitted by Chief

Nothing like free grossburgers.

Woman: "As long as people keep handing in these Burger King wallets, I'm going to eat like a queen!"

Man: "Who'll be dead in a weak from nasty ass, Grade F meat."

- CTA Subway Security, off Michigan Ave.

-- Submitted by Randy

But only once.

Girl: "My mom is a high risk person. If you tell her to jump off a bridge into a spiked rock valley, she probably try it."

- Northwestern University

-- Submitted by Drama

Uh....ok.

Guy: "Your arm is so unnatural. I love it."

- Red Line

-- Submitted by Rebecca

That's not OSHA compliant.

Guy: "I'm thinking of going heel at work. Cuttin' promos and shit."

Girl: "Take a breather, Stone Cold. Your boss will body slam you."

- Michigan Ave.

-- Submitted by Matt

Well, did you see them?

Receptionist: "I booked you in the small conference room, but someone just snuck in there while I wasn't looking. I don't know who it is."

Employee: "Well, who is it?"

Receptionist: "I don't know, they snuck in while I wasn't looking."

Employee: "Well, when are they going to be done?"

Receptionist: "I don't know, they snuck in there while I wasn't looking."

- Downtown Office

-- Submitted by Tekie

You won't know until you check.

Guy: (on cell) "Well, I don't know then, honey. I'm sure 'raggy bitch' won't be in the dictionary."

- Blue Line

-- Submitted by Aghast

Seriously. Our future.

Girl: "We want Terminator 2 Sarah Connor."

Librarian: "You mean the older movie with Schwarzenegger?"

Guy: "No, the one on TV."

Librarian: "The Sarah Connor Chronicles? The TV show?"

Guy: "Yeah, that one."

Librarian: "Ok, we don't have it, but I can order season 1 for you."

Girl: "No, we want season 2"

Librarian: "You mean the one that's on tv right now?"

Guy: "Yeah, that one."

Librarian: "It's on TV. It's not on DVD yet."

Guy and Girl: ...

Librarian: "They don't release the DVDs for a season until after the season is over."

Guy: "You mean you can't just get it for us? Like burn it onto a DVD for us?"

- Riverside Library

-- Submitted by Kimmi

Girl: "We want Terminator 2 Sarah Connor."

Librarian: "You mean the older movie with Schwarzenegger?"

Guy: "No, the one on TV."

Librarian: "The Sarah Connor Chronicles? The TV show?"

Guy: "Yeah, that one."

Librarian: "Ok, we don't have it, but I can order season 1 for you."

Girl: "No, we want season 2"

Librarian: "You mean the one that's on tv right now?"

Guy: "Yeah, that one."

Librarian: It's on tv, its not on DVD yetGuy and Girl: ...Librarian: They don't release the DVDs for a season until after the season is over.Guy: You mean you can't just get it for us?Librarian: uhhGuy: Like burn it onto a DVD for us?Librarian: noWhere did you hear it? Riverside LibraryName: Kimmi

Way to stay on the wagon

Woman: "I don't drink too much. I haven't had any since...today."

- Fox & Hound, Bloomingdale

--Submitted by Loeds

The dress probably doesn't fit.

Guy: (on cell) "So I have one bad day and the whole joint is on my ass. I can't always be Mary fuckin' Poppins people.''

- Metra Milwaukee District North Line.

-- Submitted by Frankie

This girl is a brain

Girl #1: ''What do you think of the yellow lights in here?''

Girl #2: 'They're awesome. Now I know what it's like to be Asian!''

- Ladies' room at Sonotheque

-- Submitted byNicole

Chicago hotel hospitality.

Concierge: "Can I help you, sir?"

Guy: "Do I have to be staying here for you to help me?"

Concierge: "We prefer it that way, sir."

Guy: "So that means..."

Concierge: "It's a polite way of telling people to take a hike."

- Downtown Hotel

-- Submitted by Carla

Either way you're studying anatomy

Guy #1 : "Let's go study."

Guy #2: "I'm not in the mood. ''

Guy #1: "Then...?"

Guy #2: "Amateur porn?"

Guy #1: "Make or watch?"

Guy #2: "Your call."

- UIC

-- Submitted by Flame On!

I bet it was.

Guy: (on cell) "Sitting his urine was gross."

-Blue Line

--submitted by Howard

The guy is obviously a brown-noser (drum fill)

Guy: (on cell) "No. There was a toilet paper rip. I saw the leg lift. Then, without another T.P. rip, there was nose blowing. I was mortified."

- Green Line

-- Submitted by Papas Fritas

Technology wasted

Woman: (on blackberry) "I need directions to your place. Yeah. But my phone can't just figure out what restaurant we're going to. Yeah, but I don't know the address! Google it where?! Oh."

- Michigan and Jackson

-- Submitted by Sammy

Red alert!

McDonald's Employee: "Yo! Get over here! These Diet Cokes is ALLLL fucked up!"

- McCormick Place

--Submitted by Spinner

Red alert!

McDonald's Employee: "Yo! Get over here! These Diet Cokes is ALLLL fucked up!"

- McCormick Place

--Submitted by Spinner

She's a catch, guys. Line forms to the left.

Guy: "So why are you here?"

Girl: "To make sure I really don't want to date."

Guy: "And?"

Girl: "There's too much 'poor loser' in here for me to find a husband."

- Speed dating, North Side

-- Submitted by Carol

Slater?

Guy: "From now on, I'm only going to date girls who are into the real me. The fake me was way too 'Zack Morris.'"

- Joe's on Weed Street

-- Submitted by Atari

She yapped on about Xenu with a hot accent.

Guy: "The last prostitute I had sex with was a South African Scientologist."



- Downtown



-- Submiited by Sara

What's back surgery when chocolate is involved?

Girl #1: "I think it'd be great if it snows a ton."

Girl #2: "Wouldn't Ron have to shovel before work?"

Girl #1: "Right."

Girl #2: "His back would be screaming."

Girl #1: "Right. But he'd make hot chocolate for both of us."

- Old Orchard Shopping Center

-- Submitted by Willie

That's the ONLY way??

Guy: (on cell) "The only way I'm getting out of that job is if I crap on Joe's desk, but then I'd be risking my unemployment benefits."

- Red Line

-- Submitted by Saul

It's not a challenge.

Guy: "Don't do it."

Girl: "Why not?"

Guy: "You're scandalous!"

Girl: "If that's what it takes to ruin his life, I accept the challenge."

- DePaul

-- Submitted by Janine

Walk away slowly and maintain eye contact.

Girl: "I'm just tired of being grumpy."

Guy: "Maybe you're pregnant."

Girl: "Maybe YOU'RE pregnant!"

Guy: How can that be possible?"

Girl: "Because I said so. Now shut the hell up or I'll grumpify your life."

- Grant Park

-- Submitted by Face

Mostly indeed.

Female Sales Rep: "So after talking to several people today i have come to the realization that guys are much nicer on the phone than women. They are also more likely to buy cable. I have had 31 male customers and 16 female customers. Why do you suppose that is?"

Male Supervior: "I think it's more that you're a girl and most guys pick up on that. And you sound 'nice' on the phone. See Audrey, men always have an alterior motive, whereas women unfortunately do not....mostly."

- Chicago Office

-- Submitted by Ania

Amongst other things.

Kid: "Why do they have grass in there?"

Mom: "'Cause people drink it."

- Jamba Juice

-- Submitted by Courtney

Wait...WHAT!?!?

Guy: "...there's nothing to worry about. Women are just men without penises."

- Roosevelt University

-- Submitted by Grant

Keep waiting

Guy: (yelling) "He's not the winner until Fox News declares it!"

- Obama Grant Park rally

-- Submitted by Molly

And he stole the Hope Diamond

Guy: (selling Obama T-Shirts) "Barack Obama will stimulate the economy. He's stimulating my economy right now!"

- 53rd and Lake Park

-- Submitted by Crystal

No one likes paperwork.

Cop #1: "There are a lot of people out here. He'd better win or they going to be pissed."

Cop #2: "Tonight is either going to be a crowd deafening celebration or a riot of biblical proportion."

Cop #1: "If we build an ark real quick, we could float away on the lake."

Cop #2: "Nah. Then we'd have to explain why weren't clubbing rioters."

- Grant Park

-- Submitted by Patienne

Mothers: Crushing dreams one little boy at a time.

Boy: "Mom? We're underwater. Does that mean we're mermaids?"

Mom: "No. Mermaids are girls."

- Shedd Aquarium

-- Submitted by Innocent Bystander

Better than the baby.

Woman: "GET OUT! He's like, humping it! MY DIAPER BAG IS BEING VIOLATED BY THAT SQUIRREL!"

- Lakeview Park

-- Submitted by Dan

Go vote

Drunk Guy: (seeing two guys dressed as Winnie the Pooh and Tigger) "Tigger and Pooh for love! That's like Jesus and...Jesus!"

- North Clark bar

-- Submitted by Patrick

Go vote

Girl: "Dude I'm a fucking panda. A drunk fucking panda!"

- South Loop

-- Submittedbg Patrick

Go vote

Woman: (bending down to pick up crushed candy from the street) "Ain't no shame in my game! I like sweets!"

- Magnificent Mile

-- Submitted by Leigh

This time??

Ripped Guy: "Karaoke was so bad, I needed to make out with a fat chick. I wasn't even disgusted with myself this time."

- Lifetime Fitness, Schaumburg

-- Submitted by Justin

(I'll be unavailable until Monday; updates Tuesday)

For the weird Chippendale's Dancer costume??

Man: "Yeah. All you need are purple leather pants and a bowtie. Who knew?"

- Loop quick service restaurant

-- Submitted by Dan

She should really learn to express herself

Angry Lady: (on cell) "I KNOW it's the last day for early voting, because you already emailed me. Twice. And you IMed me from work at least once a day. And you tell me every time we get together. It's getting to the point where I'm going to be not-voting as a protest against these constant reminders. Stop it, really. I know my civic duty and I'm going to do my civic duty, I'm proud that I can vote. And I know that if I don't vote, we'll get Bush 2.1 and I am too black, too Jewish, and too fucking gay to want him or Soccer Mom Pornstar trying to run my life. Please let it go. Jesus.''

- California and Devon

-- Submitted by Right On, Sister

Stop licking the walls

Girl: (on cell) " Stop using my deodorant as air freshener! The whole place tastes gross!"

-Red Line

-- Submitted by Merril

This explains the current crisis

Broker: "You can learn alot from watching CNBC and listening to Jim Krammer ."

- Michigan Ave Brokerage House

-- Submitted by AJ

Count me in

Guy: ''Hey, let me tell you something: It's not a real party if it doesn't have Ditka in a Speedo."

-Walgreen's, Downtown

-- Submitted by Amber

And accepts it. Because it won't happen.

Guy: (on cell) "If I meet an asian midget that wants to sleep with me, it's not considered cheating. My wife knows the rule."

- Brown Line

-- Submitted by Jerry

Ingrate.

Early Trick-or-Treater: (given microwave popcorn) "Oh. So we're out of candy now?"

- Merz Apothecary, Lincoln Square

-- Submitted by Lorna

Not exactly.

Guy: "You know what they say. A lot of people, a lot of problems. A few people, a lot more problems."

- 333 W. Wacker

-- Submitted by Kyle

Mace.

Drunk Guy: "What'll it take to make you happy?"

Girl: "Same thing it'll take to make you go away."

- Dugan's

-- Submitted by Rach

Yes. It is.

Guy: "I called her when I was leaving my house, she said she was getting ready. I called her from my car, she said she just finished showering. I called her from 5 minutes from her house, she said everything was good. I get to her place and call her and she told me she wasn't going. Ain't that some shit?"

- Evanston

-- Submitted by KT

Drooling upside-down?

Girl: (on cell) "How do you spit on your own forehead?"

- Green Line

-- Submitted by Victor

And then complain?

Girl: (on cell) "...And that's what kills me. Everytime she wants to talk she doesn't say anything and she gets drunk. And then she says she didn't say anything because she was drunk. Well where else are we supposed to talk, my place? Right. Her place. That makes sense. Where would we drink?"

- O'hare

-- Submitted by Lona

That's not smart.

Guy #1: "You know Spanish, right?"

Guy #2: "Yup."

Guy #1: "So if I say something in Spanish, you'd understand me?"

Guy #2: "Probably."

Guy #1: (speaks Spanish for a few seconds) "So what did I say?"

Guy #2: "Something about you getting your teeth broken in."

- Red Line

-- Submitted by Jam

Than they'd be spirits, not spiritual.

Guy #1: "It's spiritual. It's a spiritual thing. You need to show them that. The only way to give them that deep hunger, that need for something to fill their belly, is to show them the way. You have to have an appearance."

Guy #2: "Or don't let them eat. Ever."

- South Loop

-- Submitted by Halo

Mine would, too

Dude #1: "Time to go home, slap the dog, and kiss the wife. Or something like that.''

Dude #2: "Man. Your wife would beat your ass and then have the dog bent it, too."

- Red Line

-- Submitted by Mario

Awwwww....but the bottle....awwww.

Girl #1: (on cell) "I'm drinking Orangina."*pause* "I would, but I'm in public."

- Nordstroms, Michigan Ave.

-- Submitted by Victoria

A man with values...

Guy #1: "The sound is the best part! I'll never go to California, I can't drive my Mustang there."

Guy #2: "It's going to start looking like California around here in a few weeks."

Guy #1: [Nodding] "Well, they'll never take my Mustang. "

- Panera, Glenview

-- Submitted byDan

I wasn't there. Woo Hoo!

Girl: "Thanks for bringing me. It's like a who's who of jerks in here."

- DePaul House Party

-- Submitted by Vandoo

It could be.

Guy: (on cell) "Trust me: Being fat definitely is NOT amazing."

- Michigan Ave.

-- Submitted by Jakey

I don't think they're friends.

Woman #1: "How old are they?"

Woman #2: "Old enough for you to shut up."

- Doctor's Office, North Side

-- Submitted by Paula

Mom is a bit repressed.

Little girl: "I don't understand why they make fancy bras, mom."

Mom: "They just do, now be quiet."

Little Girl: (touching lace panties) "But I don't get it. Is this what Daddy likes you to wear?"

Mom: "MOLLY! STOP TALKING!"

- Victoria's Secret, Michigan Ave

-- Submitted by April

She's a brunette. And the moose would be pissed.

Bar Guy #1: "You know. The craziest thing that could happen would be McCain gets elected, he dies, and then Palin becomes president just as some crazy national disaster hits. She has to mediate among terrorists, travel, and meet with all these world leaders, but she manages to diffuse the tensions by suggesting everyone comes to Alaska for a moose hunt or something. The good thing ends in a wave of good feeling and world wide accord. Crazy, eh?"

Bar Guy #2: "I think that's called 'Legally Blonde 3.'"

- Johnny O'Hagans

-- Submitted by Erica

In some cases, that's both.

Guy: "You ain't talkin' English! You talkin' stupid!"

- Wrigleyville

-- Submitted by ILC

You'll know.

Girl #1: "I'm going for a bike ride."

Girl #2: "It's cold out. I'm just gonna lift."

Girl #1: "But who's going to tell me when a tree is right in front of me?"

- Northwestern University

-- Submitted by Eclair

Ding, ding, ding. We have a winner.

Guy: "Can I get you a drink?"

Girl: "Sure. Get me a cyanide on the rocks, and you can drink it."

Guy: "But that's buying myself a drink."

- Funky Buddha

-- Submitted by Baldo

Someone's grumpy.

Guy: (on cell) "If I go in to work today and don't kill anyone, I'll be shocked."

- Metra South Shore

-- Submitted by Yaz

At least she's honest about her emotional problems.

Girl #1: "You should get that dress."

Girl #2: "I don't know if it'll fit."

Girl #1: "Try it on."

Girl #2: "No way. I'd rather cry when I get home and then return it later."

- Lord and Taylor, Old Orchard

-- Submitted by Xena

She really, really regrets it.

Guy #1: "I can't believe you slept with Loryn."

Guy #2: "She can't believe it either."

Guy #1: "She's at home all fetal, isn't she?"

Guy #2: "She's probably gone zygote."

- Northwestern Campus

-- Submitted by Paul E.

They're screwed.

Guy: (on cell) "I'm going to need a backup of the backup. Well, what about the other backup? Damn it."

- Red Line

-- Submitted by Matt

He need much bigger pants for a bed.

Girl: "Oh my god! Is that the guy that stole our bed?"

Guy: "Look at how tight those pants are! He can't steal anything."

- Diversey and Southport

-- Submitted by Sam

Better than Wesley Snipes style.

Guy: (on cell) "You're in too deep! Like, Omar Epps style!"

- Diversey

-- Submitted by GK

So he needs an I.V.

Guy: "New Rule: Everytime you're not drinking, you have to take a drink."

- Arlington Heights

-- Submitted by Ropi

Someone is getting commission.

Guy: "You want a sandwich?"

Girl: "Where you going?"

Guy: "Subway."

Girl: "Which one?"

Guy: "The one around the corner."

Girl: "It better be the one where Javy is at. If it's not and you go to the other one, then you're a dead man."

- LaSalle Office

-- Submitted by Indigo

You'd get pretty hungry...until you died.

Guy #1: "...and I'm supposed to fast for 24 hours. That'll help me lose a couple extra."

Guy #2: "If you want to lose more weight, you'll fast for a million hours."

- Green Line

-- Submitted by Nosey

That usually doesn't work.

Girl: (on cell) "...and the instructor was super creepy. I think he was trying to prove that he wasn't gay by being super gay. It was pretty counter productive."

- Michigan and 9th

-- Submitted by Red

That's definitive.

Girl #1: "You going to work out today?"

Girl #2: "Yes."

Girl #1: "When?"

Girl #2: "Right after I don't work out."

- UIC

-- Submitted by Victor

No posts tomorrow. Yom Kippur.

Guy code says you shouldn't look.

Guy: (on cell) "Hey, hon. Hold on. The electricians are bringing their huge pipes into the locker room."

- West Side Fitness Center

-- Submitted by Trey

A little harsh.

Guy #1: "You ready for hockey season?"

Guy #2: "Almost as ready as I am for sulphuric acid in my eye season."

- Red Line

-- Submitted by Carla

Someone get some gauze and super glue!

Lady: "Oh. My. God. Deb, I'm hemorrhaging like nobody's business."

- Oak Brook Office

-- Submitted by Spinner

Better than a live one, eh?

Girl: "Who ate a dead skunk?"

- Washington Library bathroom

-- Submitted by Telayah

The economy effects everything. Even your junk.

Guy #1: "Do you think they are going to lay people off?"

Guy #2: "Of course they are. It's a necessity."

Guy #1: "You think they're going to do a severance package?"

Guy #2: "You might have your package severed, but that's about all."

- Downtown Office

-- Submitted by Chuck

You're just going to confuse Batman.

Guy #1: "What time is dinner?"

Guy #2: "Later in the evening."

Guy #1: "But what time?"

Guy #2: "I don't know. I'll know more in a couple days."

Guy #1: "Well then what time should I be there?"

Guy #2: "We'll just turn on the damn bat signal, okay?"

- Lincoln Park

-- Submitted by Karl

Someone's talking to Congress.

Man: (on cell) "Don't call me because you're having a mortgage meltdown because you're a moronic idiot."

- Monroe Harbor

-- Submitted by Melissa

Too avoid further, intelligent conversation.

Goth Guy: "...yeah, but an anarchist is just totally 'no authority.' I am just the opposite of whatever religion is mainstream."

Goth Girl: "Yeah."

Goth Guy: "Like in America it's Christianity, so what's the opposite of that? Satan."

Goth Girl: "Yeah."

Goth Guy: "Yeah."

Goth Girl: "Yeah. Me too. But most of the time I just tell people I'm agnostic."

- Red Line

-- Submitted by Patrick

So can you sell your feet on ebay, then?

Guy: "Why would anyone pay 800 dollars for shoes?"

Girl: "They're Jimmy Choo's!"

Guy: "They're eight hundred freaking dollars!!! My feet aren't worth that much. The patent leather on them shouldn't cost any more!"

Girl: "They inherently make your feet's value more than they're actually worth."

- Nordstrom's, Downtown

-- Submitted by Jan

February 7th

Guy: "When did 'whore' become the new 'hot?'"

- Macy's, Skokie

-- Submitted by Klair

Except it's trademarked.

Bus Goer: "Snap, crackle, pop! Snap, crackle, pop! HA! Those Rice Krispies got nothin' on us. We the ones goin' snap, crackle, pop!"

- #4 Cottage Grove Bus

-- Submitted by Diana

What if it's in hot dog buns?

Guy: (on phone) "You had me until you said 'tuna.' You can't eat tuna while you're watching baseball."

- Oak Brook cubicle maze

-- Submitted by Spinner

Mean Girls was definitely awful.

Girl: (on cell) "We were all leaving class just crying. It was so Mean Girls. It was awful."

- Southport

-- Submitted by Haynes

Can one pony play cornerback?

Drunk Guy: "These guys don't deserve Metallica! They deserve My Little Pony!"

- Soldier Field

-- Submitted by Mg

Happy Jew Year!

Posts Thursday!

And a huge bank account.

Girl: "Any girl's a sucker for four gigs of RAM."

- Red Line

-- Submitted by Switch

Do NOT sit next to her.

Woman: (on cell) "I barely made it. Thank goodness I travel with my pocket lavatory."

- O'Hare Airport

-- Submitted by yes

God is sweet and tasty?

Guy: "Look. Your conclusions about God can't be induced from what you're saying about the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man."

- University of Chicago

-- Submitted by Student

He...eats...stiletto's?

Woman: (on cell) "...you think so, Ron? Well, maybe I'd be nicer if you stopped staring at my shoes like they were for dinner. THINK ABOUT IT!"

- Red Line

-- Submitted by Rider

2,000 posts! YAAAAY!

Girl: (on cell) "My daughter keeps kicking the crap out of other girls. I mean, she's only 4. I'm concerned that once she can hold up an axe, she's going to do jail time."

- Bronzeville

-- Submitted by Alan

Eating or pooping?

Girl #1: "I need another colon cleansing."

Girl #2: "Through the mouth or through the butt?"

- Lincoln Park

-- Submitted by Jessica

Then it would be Jewish New Week.

Guy #1: "Can you play racquetball on Monday?"

Guy #2: "No, I can't. It's the Jewish New Year."

Guy #1: "Is that every Monday?"

- Boeing Building

-- Submitted by Victor

Mad or injured?

Guy #1: "Will you get mad if I tell you a racist joke?"

Guy #2: "Will you get mad if I give you a racist punch in the throat?"

- Sears Tower

-- Submitted by Will E.

Where would he keep it?

Guy: (on cell) "Well, did you tell her that the giraffe wasn't yours?"

- Walgreens, South Loop

-- Submitted by Tia

Or you can just check it.

(Loud music playing)

Girl #1: "I think my cell phone is ringing!"

Girl #2: "How can you hear it?"

Girl #1: "It's woman's intuition!"

- University of Chicago

-- Submitted by Kyle

...by the smell.

Guy: "I'm wearing the same outfit I wore last night, but I'm switching shoes. The ladies will be amazed."

- Lincoln Park

-- Submitted by Con

You mean "classy?"

Girl: (on cell) "No, mom. His TV was on boxes. NO! Cardboard. I'm not sleeping with that kind of guy."

- Logan Square

-- Submitted by Melinda

Isn't Bigfoot a dude?

(Guy has large red mark on his shoulder.)

Guy #1: "What happened to your shoulder?"

Guy #2: "Must have carried something that dug into it."

Guy #1: "Or someONE must have dug into it."

Guy #2: "Unless I'm nailing Bigfoot, that's not a person's scratch mark."

- Lifetime Fitness, Schaumburg

-- Submitted by Freddy

That's poor customer service.

Girl: "What are you doing this weekend?"

Guy: "I have to work."

Girl: "Can I come visit you?"

Guy: "No. My workplace kills visitors on arrival."

- Lalo's

-- Submitted by Carolina

Street free agents: You can't win with um....

(Cell phone rings)

Bears Fan #1: "HOLD ON! SHUT UP! This may be the bears calling me so that I can play defense!"

Bears Fan #2: "You're not going to get the money you deserve! Tell them you're holding out!"

- Soldier Field

-- Submitted by Dang Bears!

The ginger kid ain't laughin'

Guy #1: "He's a red head and he only has one nut."

Guy #2: "How did it happen? Was he born that way?"

Guy #1: "No, but it wasn't cancer. So it's funny."

- Lakeview

-- Submitted by Derek E.

Brittany hopes she means the Swedish glam band. I hope her friends aren't this stupid.

Middle-aged Woman: "Well, you know, Europe's been around for a while."

- Lincoln and Warner

-- Submitted by Brittany

It's like her own, personal lottery.

Girl: "Oh my God, I am so excited to be wearing sweats!"

- Michigan and 11th

-- Submitted by Cole

It's like her own, personal lottery.

Girl: "Oh my God! I am so excited to be wearing sweats!"

- Michigan and 11th

-- Submitted by Cole

It's just as important a question.

Guy: "Who do you think is going to win the election? I mean, who are you going to vote for?"

Girl: "I don't talk politics."

Guy: "Okay then. Which one of the candidates would you sleep with, VP's included?"

- Blue Line

-- Submitted by Shana

In that order.

Man: "I want to get addicted to heroin and watch girls basketball."

- DePaul Lincoln Park

-- Submitted by Allison

In that order.

Man: "I want to get addicted to heroin and watch girls basketball."

- DePaul Lincoln Park

-- Submitted by Allison

For the hamburger in your pocket?

Chicagoan: "Why the fuck do I have mustard in my pocket?"

- Outside of the Full Shilling, Wrigleyville

-- Submitted by Urban-Etiquette

One sided coins are worthless, anyway.

CTA-er: "There's two sides to that coin, and I like both sides."

- Red Line

-- Submitted by Urban Etiquette

(Sorry about the lack of posts that past couple days. Weather issues.)

All things being equal....

Woman: "Did you place flood?"

Man: "No, but the yard was a disaster."

Woman: "Our whole basement flooded out. We lost everything down there."

Man: "I know how you feel. My flowers are toast, and I'll never get those things back."

- Metra MDN Line

-- Submitted by Jesse

Someone's been pre-partying.

Guy #1: "You want to come over for the Monday Night game?"

Guy #2: "When does it start?"

Guy #1: "Kickoff."

- DePaul University

-- Submitted by Ray

The best medication is love. And naps.

(Toddler squirming at a restaurant)

Guy: "So what medication is your daughter on again?"

Mom: "It's a little something I call hungrycrankyovertired."

- Joy's Noodles

-- Submitted by I Prefer Ritalin

Sympathy

(woman sobbing at computers)

Guy: "Excuse me?"

Woman: "Yes?"

Guy: "Are you using that computer?"

Woman: "I'm CRYING, asshole. Why can't you ask me what's wrong?"

Guy: "Because that won't help me check my email."

- Northwestern

-- Submitted by Shawl

True. But it's better than them eating you.

Student: "The polar bears are eating each other. It's not good."

- Depaul Lincoln Park Campus

-- Submitted by Allison

Oh Man! Did you get his autograph?

(During introduction activity on first day of class)

Girl #1: "...and one interseting thing I did this summer was was I spent 6 weeks in Japan."

Girl #2: "Did you see Yao Ming?!"

Girl #1: "Um. I think he's, uh. Isn't he Chinese?"

Professor: "Well then I guess he was on vacation!"

Girl #1: "Right. But I didn't see him."

- DePaul University

-- Submitted by Not Even A Basketball Fan

What shade of brown would that be?

Guy: (looking at his beer) "I like this color because it doesn't naturally occur in nature."

- McGee's

-- Submitted by I'll Stick to My 312

What if she was making out with another chick?

Guy: "There is absolutely no situation in which I can think it proper for me to view your junk in action. Jessica Alba could be spread eagle in front of us, and I would turn it down if it meant seeing you naked."

- Blackie's, Naperville

-- Submitted by Lloyd

What does nouveau chic smell like?

Girl #1: "I love the smell of this place."

Girl #2: "Yeah. It's like nouveau chic meets peppermint ice cream."

- Abercrombie and Fitch, Old Orchard

-- Submitted by Tanya

I hope he was old.

Trainer: "You need to get on the treadmill until I die."

- Downtown Fitness Center

-- Submitted by TTT

Water and electricity don't really go hand in hand.

Guy: (on cell) "Tell the electrician to check the plumbing. (waits) That's bullcrap! Tell him a pipe is a pipe!"

- Green Line

-- Submitted by Matt

That's a lethal combination.

Guy: (on cell) "No, dear. I've got the phone on my shoulder, the papers in my left hand, and I'm trying to open my string cheese with my right hand. I have to hang up because the last thing I want to be known as is the dumbass who got hit by a bus because he couldn't open his food container."

- Michigan and Roosevelt

-- Submitted by Shira

Who's pants were wetter?

Girl: (on cell) "I'm just going to say he was a sweaty sleeper because I can't accept the possiblity that he pee'd the bed."

- Bucktown

-- Submitted by I Don't Want To Know

Indeed what? I'm so confused.

Guy #1: "What it is?"

Guy #2: "What it be?"

Guy #1: "What it do?"

Guy #2: "Indeed."

- South Side

-- Submitted by Red

busy busy busy. Updates (hopefully) later.

In the meantime, check out my wonderful sponsors.

Or you could always buy a shirt!

But you get cheap moisturizer, right?

Girl: "Bath and Body Works is liking working in the Seventh Circle of Hell. 5 for 25! 5 for 25! And every night, I go home smelling like a Turkish whorehouse."

- Red Line

-- Submitted by Spinner

Who needs money when you're sad?

Girl: (on cell) "I'm just not going into work anymore whenever I'm upset or unhappy in life. It just complicates things."

- Red Line

-- Submitted by Cleo

If Oprah said AIDS was good, all the yentes would go get it.

Inspired Girl: "It's called 'The Secret.' It's the best book ever. It's like, whatever you put out into the world and focus on, you get back. It's supposed to help you get anything you want out of life!"

Friend: "I don't know if believe that."

Inspired Girl: "But Oprah talked about it on her show!"

Friend: (relieved) "Oooooh. That's awesome!!"

- Columbia College

-- Submitted by Kat

Appetizing.

Guy: (on cell) "So I had all this leftover basil after making regular pesto and decided to make creative pesto. So I added dried bananas chips, walnuts, nutmeg....No, it was crap. It looked like penguin poo...after the penguin ate a baby that ate banana chips, walnuts, nutmeg."

- Webster and Halsted

-- Submitted by Claire

New girl as in "18 year old" I hope.

Guy: "It's so awesome coming back to school. I love that new girl smell."

- UIC

-- Submitted by Rowdy

Time for the pick and flick.

Student: "I've had this booger in my nose for 45 minutes but haven't had a tissue. It's bugging me!"

- University Center Elevator

-- Submitted by Columbia Student

So shouldn't running be WAY easier with three legs?

Guy: "My knees are done. I need a break"

Girl: "Well then let's walk."

Guy: "No. I need to stop."

Girl: "Come on."

Guy: "No. Forget it. When I'm done, I'm getting a triple knee replacement."

- Nike Human Race

-- Submitted by Trishelle

Ben Franklin said it first, right?

Guy: (on cell) "...just stick with the motto, bro. Pianos rock. Urinals stink. Get to it, dude!"

- North Side

-- SUbmitted by Devil

It's not like you're thirty....yet.

Drunk Girl #1: "What a dick! He just wished me a happy 29th birthday!"

Drunk Girl #2: "But you just turned 29."

Drunk Girl #1: "He didn't have to remind me!"

- Southport

-- Submitted by M.J.

That's the one restaurant I don't want to be at.

Mother: (to younger children) "I would just like to go to ONE restaurant without you LIFTING UP MOMMY'S SKIRT!"

- Mia Francesca

-- Submitted by Bmannes

What could it be....what could it be....

Woman: "I don't know what it is, but all my ex-boyfriends end up at a strip club within a week of breaking up."

- Lawrence Beach

-- Submitted by Elizabeth

Good luck in the future, kid.

Mom: "There, take that seat there."

Son: "Nooo."

Mom: "Why? Just sit."

Son: "I don't like to sit next to people."

- 49 Bus

-- Submitted by Leah

Women are mean.

Woman #1: "What are you gonna do?"

Woman #2: "ISAIAH! I am so damned mad! When he gets home, I'm going to rip off his dick. Then I'm gonna hit 'um in the dick with his dick!"

Woman #1: "You know it!"

Woman #2: "Yeah, but he don't know it. I was all sweet on the phone, so he don't know about the hellfire."

- Uptown

-- Submitted by Spinner

Let's duke it out.

Guy: "Was it you or me that initiated the face punching in our friendship?"

- Humbolt Park

-- Submitted by Jennifer

It's always nice to hear the phone ring.

Guy: (on cell) "So should I call you later? Cool, what time? You're going to call me to tell me when I can call you? Why don't you just call me when I'm supposed to call you? So then I hang up and call you right back? But you already called me?! Fine. Just call me and we'll go from there."

- Red Line

-- Submitted by Stefan

That one.

Little Girl: "Mommy. That lady wants to steal me! The lady wants to steal me, Mommy!"

Mom: "What are you talking about? No one wants to steal you."

Little Girl: "No, mommy, no. The lady wants to steal me! The lady wants to steal me!"

Random Woman #1: "Who are you talking about, love? We'll chase her down and beat her up."

Random Woman #2: "Don't worry, little one. Your mother has you too tightly guarded for any of us to even try."

- Salvation Army, Ashland

-- Submitted by Belinda

That's a helluva shirt.

Guy: "My shirt is colorless. Like it sapped my creative energy and then spit it out. Took my innermost feelings and destroyed them. It has removed my heart and soul, swallowing them whole."

- Columbia College

-- Submitted by Red

My name is now Jolene, and yes.

Drunk Woman: (yelling out a window) "JOLENE! JOLEEEENE! HEY, JOLENE! HEY! HEY! HEY! JOOOOOLEEEEEEEEENE! WANT TO SEE MY BOOBS?"

- Wrigleyville Dogs

-- Submitted by Haynes

Should have been her slogan.

Odd Lady: (to nobody) "No, no, no. I think Hilary should win. One, she's smart. Two, she's pretty. And b, she's already married to the president."

- 74 Fullerton Bus

-- Submitted by Lonely Rider

$10,000 will last you abou...wait, mountains?

Girl: "Well, after I get my bachelor's degree, I need to save up about $10,000. I'm going to move places, but not be a tourist. I'm going to live there. I want to go to New York first, then down to Massachusetts where Thoreau supposedly lived for a while. Then I'll head back to Illinois, so I can see the mountains. After that, I'll go to the northwest, except for Washington. Then California, Texas, and back to Chicago."

- Brown Line

-- Submitted by Julia

I have the same problem.

Guy: "Can you carry this grocery bag?"

Little Girl: "No. It's too heavy."

Guy: "I thought you were lifting weights!"

Little Girl: "I do lift weights. I just ain't got no muscles!"

- Streeterville, Elevator

-- Submitted by Claire

Good luck.

Guy: "I need a new shirt. Something cool and sleek and airy. Something girls will love. It needs to be like a designer label."

Girl: "Where do you want to shop?"

Guy: "Somewhere cheap."

- Columbia College

-- Submitted by Carlos

Everyone but you.

Guy: "That's just stupid. Having Sunday papers for sale on Saturday. Who gives a shit what's going to happen tomorrow?"

- Oak Park

-- Submitted by Karen

And there's not one church for them anywhere.

Woman #1: "Praise God. We have to go take care of our great uncle tonight. He's in the hospital with pneumonia."

Woman #2: "I'm sorry he's sick."

Woman #1: "Yeah. We ahve to see if he can talk."

Woman #2: "Why?"

Woman #1: "Because we need to see if he's been saved. Praise God!"

Woman #2: "Didn't he go to church?"

Woman #1: "No. He's catholic."

- Metra South Shore

-- Submitted by Lisa G.

Sage advice.

Mother: "Don't EVER lick the EL!"

- Brown Line

-- Submitted by Jessica

Either way, see a dentist.

Guy: "I wouldn't say he had NO teeth. He just didn't have any complete teeth."

- Piper's Alley

-- Submitted by Erin

Viagra might help.

Guy: (on cell) "Lumber up! Be a dude!"

- Evanston

-- Submitted by Ursula

Like a lunch "snooze" button.

Worker #1: "If lunch were 5 minutes longer, I'd be much happier. What the crap can I get accomplished in 60 minutes?"

Worker #2: "More than you get accomplished during your work day, slacker."

- North Chicago Office

-- Submitted by Jenny

I liked that movie.

Guy #1: "I need to get a person eating plant."

Guy #2: "Like in that 'Shop of Horrors' movie?"

Guy #1: "No. My plant will not sing stupid songs."

- West Loop

-- Submitted by Tony

All of them.

Girl: "What kind of ice cream can I get that will make me feel cold?"

- Jewel, South Loop

-- Submitted by Aaron

That solves other problems.

Guy #1: "I need a vacation."

Guy #2: "You just had a vacation."

Guy #1: "Right, but I'm still all vacationy."

Guy #2: "So go take a cold shower."

- Old Orchard Shopping Center

-- Submitted by Yes

Oscar the Grouch ought to do the trick.

Girl: (on cell) "This is the worst day ever. I need a muppet to cheer me up."

- Blue Line

-- Submitted by Grand

Maybe it's evidence?

Attorney: (on cell) "Well, I have my vibrator turned on now, so we should be good to go."

- DuPage County Courthouse

-- Submitted by Bryan

No joke, this lady passed. Thanks, DMV.

DMV Employee: "Can you read the seventh line for me?"

Senior Lady: "No."

DMV Employee: "Why not?"

Senior Lady: "Because it's in Chinese. How do you expect me to read Chinese?"

- Naperville DMV

-- Submitted by Dave

Yeah. Look under "you wish."

Guy #1: "I need to get a new car."

Guy #2: "Ok."

Guy #1: "Yeah. It's going to have to be environmentally friendly, but still hot."

Guy #2: "What kind do you want?"

Guy #1: "I don't know. How hard is it to make a Corvette into a hybrid? Can we google that?"

- Northbrook

-- Submitted by Colin

That's worse than cool.

Guy: (on cell) "My dad went to Ohio State, so I'm smart by association."

- Red Line

-- Submitted by Spike

Sometimes it's hindsight, sometimes it's not.

Guy: "Hindsight is always 50-50."

- Chipotle, Evanston

-- Submitted by Ivan

You don't have a chance.

Drunk Guy: "This is where people come when they don't want to hook up."

Drunk Girl: "What are you saying about me?"

- McDonald's, State and Chicago

-- Submitted by K.N.M.

You sure showed him.

Guy: (on cell) "...and I was trying to think of a way to tell him not to bother me. I mean, I was so mad, I didn't want to go off, but leave me alone with those pamphlets, you know. The guy didn't even offer me one. Was I not good enough for him? No, I went back and took one!"

- Grant Park

-- Submitted by Karl

Yeah. As a boss....

Guy: (on cell) "...and when I got in, I couldn't access anything on the computer. I got all mad and called IT. The guy told me that either the server was down or I was fired. I was going to chew out my boss for making the nerd tell me, but when I went into his office, he couldn't access anything either. So we both got drunk in the office. I think I told him I loved him. As a boss."

- Blue Line

-- Submitted by Diego

FORE!

Guy #1: "You want to go golfing?"

Guy #2: "Can I drive the cart?"

Guy #1: "You going to be drinking?"

Guy #2: "It depends on how many times I have to throw my ball out of the tee box."

- Red Line

-- Submitted by Andy

Drink your milk, girls.

Girl #1: "Why does her shirt say 'No Hop Ons?'"

Girl #2: "Because she wants you to buy her a drink before her easy ass sleeps with you."

- Wabash and Roosevelt

-- Submitted by Jeff

Depends on the surgery.

Guy #1: "...I mean, you'd have guys all over the platform with erections everywhere."

Guy #2: "Yeah, well. Outdoor surgery is still a new concept."

- Red Line

-- Submitted by Camarinadoo

A.) You're right. B.) It's a MAIL-IN REBATE!

Girl: (on phone) "Hi. I took my car in for an oil change and was given a mail-in rebate for $13, if turn it in between August 4th and August 29th. How do I do that? (pause) OH! It's not September yet!"

- Northbrook Office

-- Submitted by Chris

I don't know the right way to take that.

Girl: "Don't take this the wrong way, but maybe you should have been an heiress."

- Grant Park

-- Submitted by Shuyler

Temperature wise?

Guy: "I mean, when was the last time you saw a hot Eskimo?"

- Lollapalooza

-- Submitted by Jim

And probably doesn't have the same amount of money.

Girl #1: "Oh my god. I want to marry Michael Phelps."

Girl #2: "Why?"

Girl #1: "Because he's hot and he's an awesome swimmer."

Girl #2: "My golden retriever is an awesome swimmer, too. You think he's cute, right? Marry him instead."

Girl #1: "Not the same."

Girl #2: "Right. My dog doesn't wax."

- ESPNzone

-- Submitted by Guffaw

It'd be a rough drive.

Girl: (on cell) "...I'm just depressed is all. So I'm debating whether I want to drive home or drive to Europe."

- UIC

-- Submitted by Newbie

What about explosive shuttlecocks?

Girl: "Did you see that badminton stuff?"

Guy: "Yup. It was kinda boring."

Girl: "They need to spice that shit up."

Guy: "With like lasers. Or explosive racquets."

- Red Line

-- Submitted by Lisa

Still waiting for it.

Girl #1: "You think I could be in the olympics?"

Girl #2: "If they had a shoe competition, you'd be a, wait for it, shoe in!"

- Panera on State

-- Submitted by Tea

Our future, ladies and gents.

Girl #1: "What does 'China' mean? You know, in Chinese."

Girl #2: "It means saucer."

- East Village

-- Submitted by Ali B.

Someone wants to reconcile.

Girl: (on cell) "I'm going to get us on that 'Date My Ex' show and find you someone who's WAY worse than me! Then you'll see, jerkhole!"

- Michigan/Roosevelt Bus Stop

-- Submitted by Allie

They tell me that the answer is a bunny rabbit.

Guy: (on cell) "No, I expect you to get your answers from within. There is no such thing as cloudology!"

- Red Line

-- Submitted by Henry

She BETTER NOT change it!

Girl: "...and they got engaged!"

Guy: "She better take his name."

Girl: "I think she's smart enough to changer her name so it won't be Lisa Sing-Song."

- University of Chicago

-- Submitted by Clyde

Either way, he probably won't say stop.

Girl #1: "I can't tell if he's into me."

Girl #2: "Brush his leg."

Girl #1: "Tried that."

Girl #2: "Do the arm touching things."

Girl #1: "Done that."

Girl #2: "Have you tried kissing him?"

Girl #1: "Yeah, but he was drunk."

Girl #2: "Well, shit. Just go down on him. If he doesn't say stop, you're in."

- North Park University

-- Submitted by Amy

I've never heard of that netwo....Oooooh.

Guy: "What's your name?"

Girl: "Facebook me."

Guy: "How can I do that?"

Girl: "Just look for my picture. I'm in the 'not a chance' network."

- Durkin's

-- Submitted by Reed

I'd like to see that.

Guy #1: "Either someone just mopped the floor or the bleach man just exploded. Holy Hell!"

Guy #2: "It's just a little pungent."

Guy #1: "I'd rather have my head up my own ass."

- West Loop Office

-- Submitted by Carston

WOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Concertgoer: "Why are you people 'WOO'-ing? 'How It Ends' is not a 'WOO'-able song!"

- Lollapalooza at the DeVotchKa set

-- Submitted by Spinner

They can be both.

Girl: "...and they had all these cute little puppies in the lobby. They were so adorable."

Guy: "Adorable? More like tasty."

- South Loop

-- Submitted by Purple

Looks legit. Go ahead.

Guy: "Your friend will be safe with me. I promise. I'm a good guy."

Girl: "Oh yeah? How can I be sure?"

Guy: (hands girl his ID)

Guy: "Soooo....can I take your friend home now?"

- McFadden's

-- Submitted by Helen

They're big on feet.

Woman: "I like this set out of here. Ya know. Because we're ottoman people. We really like ottomans."

- Crate and Barrel, Chicago

-- Submitted by Dtrain

Only his Washington Wizards days.

(Family taking pictures in front of Jordan statue at the United Center.)

Young Girl: "Mom? Is Michael Jordan dead?"

Mom: "No, honey. It's to remember him."

Young Girl: "Why? Did they forget about him?"

- United Center

-- Submitted by LG

That's some hardcore dedication, sir.

Guy: "Dude. I can drink with you today, and I'll get wasted with you on Sunday. But I am NOT drinking tomorrow. That's how serious I am about Rage."

- Lollapalooza gate

-- Submitted by Spinner

That line actually worked?

Guy: "What's that scent?"

Girl: "It's me. I'll let you smell me if you tell me your name."

- Club Moda

-- Submitted by Will

That would suck.

Woman: (on cell) "I think you should pick her up. Well, she's constantly falling asleep and her camp counselor thinks it could become dangerous. Do you want her falling asleep during a nature hike? What if she falls face first in poison ivy?"

- Macy's

-- Submitted by Chad

So, no.

Guy #1: "Do you want to learn spanish with me?"

Guy #2: "As long as I don't have to write anything. Or say anything."

- Northwestern University

-- Submitted by Rickie

That vibe is your allergies.

Guy: "That chick gave off a weird vibe. Like she lives with a lot of cats."

- Oak Park

-- Submitted by LBT

It's one way of doing it.

Guy #1: "I need a frickin' job."

Guy #2: "Well where have you looked?"

Guy #1: "It's not so much about looking. It's about finding."

Guy #2: "You just play a lot of video games and hope for the best, don't you?"

- Starbuck's, Lakeview

-- Submitted by Nadia

Delightful.

Guy: "Does anyone smell that? It's like a drunk dude died. And then vomited. And then died again."

- Nick's Beer Garden

-- Submitted by Kly

Yes. Now stop breaking our rules.

Blonde Tourist Girl: "Are you allowed to talk on the bus?"

Brunette Tourist Girl: "I don't think so."

Blonde Tourist Girl: "Oh...Do you think people know that we aren't from Chicago?"

- Clark Bus

-- Submitted by Jay

You can keep it.

Cool Guy: (Ice Ice Baby starts on the jukebox)"Oh NO! Who laid the vanilla? Who laid it? That's my shit! THATS MY SHIT!!"



- Mullens



-- Submitted by AJ

In size or in smoking, texting jerks?

Guy: "You think this is big? New York is like five times bigger than Chicago. And that's just Manhattan."

- Grand Stop, Red Line

-- Submitted by Revecca

With the right amount of money....

Teen Dude #1: "What do you want to do now?"

Teen Dude #2: "We should leave the beach, but NOT go home!"

Teen Dude #1: "Okay, then."

Teen Dude #2: "Let's go get a limo...and some hookers!"

Teen Dude #1: "Yeah. Because hookers love workin' it for 15 year olds."

- North Ave. Beach

-- Submitted by Spinner

Keep hoping.

Guy: "We're waiting for the train. It's either going to be the purple one or the brown one."

Kid: "I hope it's a red one!"

- Merchandise Mart

-- Submitted by Kate

You're a few months and a few religions off.

Girl: "We saw Jesus walking around downtown today. He was holding a cross. Had a beard. Everything."

Guy: "Oh yeah, I've seen that. But usually they do something like that around a religious holiday."

Girl: "Yeah, but what holiday is it? Ramadan?"

- Loop

-- Submitted by Apeface

Would you prefer a whole cow?

Girl: "I'm hungry."

Guy: "Let's go get a burger."

Girl: "A burger? How is that going to help my hunger pains."

- 11th and Wabash

-- Submitted by Chris

I'm going to be in New York City until Sunday evening. No updates until then. If you're in Manhattan and want to hang, drop me a line. Don't forget to join the facebook group!

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!

Girl #1: "Have you read this?" (Holds up The Feminine Mystique by Betty Friedman)

Girl #2: "No. Have you?"

Girl #1: "Nope. We're a disgrace to our gender."

Girl #2: "Yep. We should turn in our vaginas."

- Book Cellar in Lincoln Square

-- Submitted by Spinner

50 bucks says it's not broken.

Guy #1: "I think I broke my arm, dude."

Guy #2: "Did you see a doctor?"

Guy #1: "Nah. I think I'll tough this one out."

- Burnham Skate Park

-- Submitted by LL

Someone had to pay for the shower.

Woman: "It's a long story, but it involves me in a shower with two other people and ends with me stealing a wallet with $500 in it. I'll tell you some other time."

- Maggiano's

-- Submitted by Poppy

Really? Cuz Gina Carano is ridiculous hot.

Man: (on cell) "Let's talk something serious. Let's talk something serious. Why you, like, strong? I don't like strong women."

- Morseland Parking Lot

-- Submitted by AC

Your wife is gonna be pissed.

Guy: "I hope I get laid by someone new tonite."

- South Side Bar

-- Submitted by Kathy

Soccer? Uh....yeah.....

Girl #1: "What is the ESPY? I've never heard of it before."

Guy: "It's an award show for athletes."

Girl #1: "Then why is David Beckham there?"

Girl #2: "Because he's married to Posh Spice."

- Prost, Lincoln Ave.

-- Submitted by Mandy D.

Eating at a free buffet?

Guy: "Unless they have a free buffet, nothing tops what I'm going to be doing tomorrow."

- South Loop FFC

-- Submitted by Dave

SOMETIMES?!

Older Guy: (on cell) "Having women around is important, but sometimes when they get older they start to lose it. You might want to watch out for that."

- Michigan Ave.

-- Submitted by James C.

Yes, Ma'am!

Woman: (on cell) "When I tell you to look at my boobs, you don't argue! It's not that hard a concept!"

- Little Italy

-- Submitted by Trav

Someone get a calculator.

Woman: "What's 65% of $100?"

- Macy's shoe department, State Street

-- Submitted by Incredulous Banker

Let's use our inside voices next time.

Guy: (on cell) "Oh. OH! You're SORRY. Take your sorry and shove it. You're a passive aggressive, cheating, deluded asshole. You care about yourself and think the whole world is against you. Everything you do is geared to sabotage yourself into a worse life. (pause) So what if my wife is hot? (pause) No, you can't, now go to hell."

- Red Line

-- Submitted by Weeble

Or she hates swimming with you.

Woman #1: "You want to go for a swim?"

Woman #2: "Not really."

Woman #1: "Why not?"

Woman #2: "Sharks. And Octopii."

Woman #1: "In the gym's pool?"

Woman #2: "Yes. They're everywhere."

- Chase

-- Submitted by Ricky

Seriously? Dunch?

Woman: "When do you guys want to do lunch?"

Man: "I don't know. Saturday. We may have to dinner."

Woman: "Dinner is a bit late. How about we do, uh, dunch?"

- Metra, Union Pacific North

-- Submitted by Zed

It's more a winged rat.

Mother: "Get away from that! It's not a bird; it's a pigeon!"

- Jackson and State

-- Submitted by J

It's more a winged rat.

Mother: "Get away from that! It's not a bird; it's a pigeon!"

- Jackson and State

-- Submitted by J

If you can't hold your liquor, at least know what it is.

Female: "Hey! BARTENDER!"

(Bartender walks over)

Female: "What is Jack Daniels? Isn't it vodka?"

Bartender: "...WHAT?!"

Female: "Jack Daniels is brandy?"

Bartender: "Nope."

Male: "It's whiskey."

Female: "Oh. Thanks."

Male: "Some drunk you are!"

- Carol's Pub

-- Submitted by Spinner

Nice even coats.

Woman #1: "Have you thought about spray tanning?"

Woman #2: "Yeah, but isn't that harmful for the environment?"

Woman #1: "Probably."

Woman #2: "I'd rather they just use a brush or a roller or something."

- LA Fitness, West Loop

-- Submitted by Kelly

At least it was polite about stealing your cash.

Old Woman: (talking to parking garage paystation.) "Hello? You took my money and I don't have any change. Hello?"

Machine: "Thank you."

- Millenium Park Parking Garage

-- Submitted by Erin

You, Mr. Magellan, are a sinking ship.

Girl: "Yeah. I live in Roger's Park."

Guy: "Oh. Is that by Roscoe Village?"

Girl: "No, not really. I live on Lakewood Ave."

Guy: "Oh, yeah! Doesn't that intersect with something."

Girl: "Uhm. Yeah. It does."

- Sheffield and Armitage

-- Submitted by Apeface

Boonce. Boonce.

Guy: "So did you find your soda pops?"

Stoned Guy: "Yeahhhhh. Did you find your bundt cake?"

- Northerly Island

-- Submitted by Laura

Good comeback bro.

Guy: "So you think because you know Olympians, you're better than me? They probably aren't even gold medalists!"

- Wrigley Field

-- Submitted by Waddie

Which creates quite a loop.

Girl #1: "He makes me uncomfortable."

Girl #2: "Great. That means you're going to sleep with him."

- Accenture

-- Submitted by Hector

Politicians do it all the time.

Girl: (on cell) "You should definitely wear a tie. Because you'll look like you know what you're doing. But you don't! So lie. How hard is that?"

- Blue Line

-- Submitted by Rhea

Isn't that all guys, really?

Guy #1: "Which one is Charlie?"

Guy #2: "The guy who's walking like he's a caveman."

Guy #1: "There's 50 dude's around here. How am I supposed to pick him out?"

Guy #2: "Because he's all caveman-like."

- Pompei restaurant, UIC

-- Submitted by Tran

Probably.

Woman: "Hey! Jew Boo!"

Man: "Are you using that as a pet name or are you saying Jews are scary?"

Woman: "Uhm. Scary."

Man: "So you fear Jesus?"

- South Loop

-- Submitted by Giyna

I'm sure she'd be very happy with that.

Guy #1: "Well, would you marry her?"

Guy #2: "Temporarily."

- Michigan Ave

-- Submitted by Rider

Must be some connection.

Guy: (on cell) "Dude! I'm so glad you called. I was playing this game last night where these ants were pissing acid and I immediately thought of you!"

- Red Line

-- Submitted by Jake

Must be some connection.

Guy: (on cell) "Dude! I'm so glad you called. I was playing this game last night where these ants were pissing acid and I immediately thought of you!"

- Red Line

-- Submitted by Jake

Perv.

Guy: "What are you, five feet tall?"

Girl: "No way. Five two. I take all the inches I can get."

Guy: "I bet you do."

Girl: "Easy buddy. I've seen you. You're not impressive."

- Yellow Line

-- Submitted by Chair.

Another notch in love's popularity belt.

Woman: "I've been married to him for ten years, but we've been together for almost 15."

Man: "That's cool. Commitment is pretty hard."

Woman: "Especially when the guy sucks the youth out of you. That makes it super hard."

- South Loop

-- Submitted by Candy

So she's normally abnormal. Kinda.

Guy: "You have issues."

Girl: "I know, right?"

Guy: "Not like bad ones. Just nutty ones."

- Lakeview

-- Submitted by Dizzy

So can choosers be beggars?

Girl #1: "...I just don't understand the saying 'beggars can't be choosers.'"

Girl #2: "Well. That means if you're begging, you're not in a position to choose what you get."

Girl #1: "Yeah. But if I'm begging you for a mirror and you give me a sink, I can choose something else, right?"

- Belmont Harbor bathrooms

-- Submitted by Theresa

Sign me up.

Girl #1: "...Competitive eating is TOO a sport!"

Girl #2: "No it isn't! How is it a sport!?"

Girl #1: "Because there's a time limit imposed, there's physicality, and you're competing against other people to be the best!"

Girl #2: "Physicality?! Pooping is physical. I'm going to start competitive pooping."

Girl #1: "How the fuck are you going to make that acompetitive?"

Girl #2: "Whoever poops the most in 5 minutes wins."

Girl #1: "Awesome."

- Lawrence Red Line Stop

-- Submitted by Spinner

Girl: "Where do you think you're going?"

Guy: "Home."

Girl: "I don't want to leave."

Guy: "Then stay."

Girl: "But I want to go with you."

Guy: "Do you see why I want to annihilate you now?"

You stay classy.

Guy: "I like to think of myself as classy trash."

- Montrose Brown Line Stop

-- Submitted by Iheardthat

You stay classy.

Guy: "I like to think of myself as classy trash."

- Montrose Brown Line Stop

-- Submitted by Iheardthat

The good news: You're already at his place!

(Girl running to train)

Homeless Guy: "Hey. You know it's going to rain?"

Girl: "Yeah, I know."

Homeless Guy: "Best you get inside. Rain melts sugar."

- Mag Mile

-- Submitted by Sweet as Sugar

(Have a safe and happy 4th of July. Please, please, please: Don't drink and drive.)

Too many of those to the head.

Guy #1: "It's pitch black outside."

Guy #2: "How come it's never "pitch blue" outside?"

Guy #3: "Or pitch fastball."

- Union Station

-- Submitted by Jay

You know your husband is gay when...

Girl: (on cell) "...and when I got there, he was shirtless, drunk, and had a pride t-shirt around his waist. I wanted to ask him what he was doing when he started kissing another guy. Hell yes I'm getting divorced!"

- Millenium Park

-- Submitted by Missy

I think you'd know if it was a bear.

Woman: "You have to go to the doctor!"

Man: "I'll go if you promise he won't look up my rear."

Woman: "I can't promise that."

Man: "Then we don't have a deal. I don't care if I have a bear living in there, I'm not going."

- Metra Milwaukee District North Line

-- Submitted by Train Rider

No one date him. Ever.

Guy #1: "...and the butterfly landed on me. I asked if I could take it home, but they said no. Something about it being endangered or something."

Guy #2: "That's when you tell them that it's either yours or nobodies and you smash it between your hands."

- Lincoln Park Zoo

-- Submitted by Red

Must have been the wrong color.

Guy: (After biker fell on his car) "You're coming with me! You're coming with me to the police station!"

Biker: "It's not like that LeBaron is getting you mad pussy, dude."

- Critical Mass

-- Submitted by Michi The Killer

That's copyrighted. Oh. She's crazy.

(Woman, after she sings her rendition of "Hello Dolly')

Woman: "There is no reason a bus should be re-routed because of a parade! I had to walk really far and I'm handicapped! I am protected by the constitution and it says handicapped people have rights! AMEN!"

Guy: "Do you know any 'Mamma Mia?'"

- Clark Bus after the Pride Parade

-- Submitted by Apeface

It's a daily occurence.

Guy #1: "There he is! There!!"

Guy #2: "Where? I don't see him!"

Girl: "He's there in the thong!"

Guy #2: "The pink thong or the blue one! There's too many thongs too work through! I can't keep up!"

- Pride Parade

-- Submitted by Lynn

What's the difference?

Guy: "There's gay and then there's totally gay. You're totally gay."

- Pride Parade

-- Submitted by Kleener

Does the husband count as one?

Woman: "One baby is an accessory. Two is a family."

- Damen and Division

-- Submitted by CLSB

(Seriously. Anyone who can help me with some webpage stuff, drop me a line. Pretty please?)

(And don't forget to visit my wonderful sponsors!)

At least he's waiting.

Woman: "...and when I talked to the doctor, she said I might be pregnant. What are we gonna do?"

Man: "Take a pregnancy test."

Woman: "And if it's...."

Man: "Shhhh....The pregnancy test will determine whether or not I will continually punch you in the stomach."

- Grant Park

-- Submitted by Jerry

Obviously. There is no shopping cart.

Woman: "Is that another bum over there?"

Man: "No. That's just a trash can."

- North Avenue Beach

-- Submitted Brian

Lucky he didn't fill half a thimble.

Guy in suit: "Can I get a dollar's worth of coffee?"

Barista: "Sir. We don't sell a dollar's worth of coffee."

Guy in suit: "Can you just give me a couple of squirts?"

(Barista fills a half a cup of coffee and the man tries to pay a dollar)

Barista: "Just put it in the tip jar."

- Starbuck's, LaSalle and Washington

-- Submitted by Danielle

(If anyone knows how to design webpages and wants to help me out, please contact me via the submission form!)

Everything comes out looking dirty.

Guy #1 on bike: "My body is a laundromat!"

Guy #2 on bike: "Your body is a laundromat?!?"

- Belmont and Halsted

-- Submitted by Julia Gulia

Everything comes out looking dirty.

Guy #1 on bike: "My body is a laundromat!"

Guy #2 on bike: "Your body is a laundromat?!?"

- Belmont and Halsted

-- Submitted by Julia Gulia

While they laugh right back.

Older guy: (on cell) "...Yeah. With that shirt with white stripes and that white hat. You put that on, sit back, and laugh at the world."

- Nordstrom Rack on State

-- Submitted by Flip-Flop

Can't go without the extra spittle.

Guy: "He's a close talker, but he has no inside voice. It's like he constantly shouts at you. With extra spittle."

- Evanston Northwestern Hospital

-- Submitted by Nurse

Flying off the handle?

Woman: (on office phone) "Yeah, Marcie. I asked him the outfit looked good on me and he said no. Why would he say no? I could put on paisley with a polka dot hat and pull it off. God I wish annulments and divorces were cheaper."

- Downtown Office

-- Submitted by Karey

That garners the wrong attention.

Girl: "Why is your zipper down?"

Guy: "I was trolling."

- Gamekeepers

-- Submitted by Terry

Yes. Like Panda bears.

Mother: "Michael! You get back here right now!"

(Son walks towards her, dejected)

Mother: "I am sick and tired of you throwing rocks around. Can't you throw something soft that doesn't break things?!"

Son: "Like panda bears?"

- North Avenue Beach

-- Submitted by Tanner

It definitely has to match the rest of the douche-fit.

Guy #1: "What are you going to wear to the party?"

Guy #2: "I don't know. Jeans and a polo probably."

Guy #1: "What about the hat?"

Guy #2: "It's still under consideration."

- Northwestern University

-- Submitted by Turbo

She's not cheating, right?

Guy: (on cell) "...all I'm saying is that if you're going to work out, wear underwear. Yeah, but I've seen it before. I'm sure the trainer enjoyed seeing it, but we're still married, Elise."

- Green Line

-- Submitted by Chad

It just pizza, but fattier.

Tourist: "Well I have no idea what a pizza puff is. It must be, like, a muffin or something."

- Chicago Carry-out, Wabash and Harrison

-- Submitted by Zachary

Or married to one.

Guy #1: "What does your wife do?"

Guy #2: "Works."

Guy #1: "Doing what?"

Guy #2: "None of your god damn business, asshole."

Guy #1: "She must be a lawyer."

- Blue Line

-- Submitted by Javy

You can be bald at 15?

Girl: (on cell) "Let's just recount that the funniest part of the day is that one guy's hickey. It's never good to be balding and have one of those."

- Red Line

-- Submitted by Red Head

Which one? WHICH ONE?

Girl: (on cell) "How did it go? Well, did you have fun? Wait. Joe, did you say she was a loser or that she was too loose? Seriously? How do you know?!"

- Purple Line

-- Submitted by Kyle

As opposed to that fake day.

Bum: "Everyone is always worried about Friday then 13th. Friday the 13th this, Friday the 13th that. Let me tell you something, brotha. I'm worried about Wednesday the 8th. That's when the REAL shit hits the fan."

- Outside Union Station

-- Submitted by Rider

Hot or funny?

Guy: (on cell) "Would you think less of me if I told you Dane Cook was hot? Er...Justin Timberlake then?"

- Little Italy

-- Submitted by Mateo

Sounds dangerous.

Girl: (on cell) "Chris, you don't understand. Hang-gliding is dangerous. I mean, what if your parachute didn't open and you died? What if you broke your ankle?!"

- Red Line

-- Submitted by Brazenlizy

Wow. Harsh.

(Two guys outside while it starts to rain)

Guy #1: "Looks like it really is going to rain."

Guy #2: "Oh, ya think so, dickshit?"

- Roosevelt and State

-- Submitted by Idea

Cubs-Sox

Girl: "The Sox are going to sweep both games."

Guy: "There are three games."

Girl: "They're not all today, dumbass."

- Outside Wrigley

-- Submitted by Rowena

Shot down

Guy: (after hitting on girl for prolonged period) "So can I get your number? We can hang out."

Girl: "I'll hang out anywhere you want, as long as you promise not to be there."

- Funky Buddha

-- Submitted by Night'n'gale

Shopping ought to cure your unhappiness

Woman: (on cell) "If I go to the store, will you come with me? Who's going to help me make fun of all the pants that I'm not going to buy? But you know how to laugh at ALL the name brands. Fine. I guess I'll go shopping alone, but I'm not going to be happy about it."

- Red Line

-- Submitted by Donut

I think the spark is gone.

Guy #1: "...and you guys are getting a dog?"

Guy #2: "My wife figures we have just enough space in the bed for a dog. The way I figure it, we have enough space for the dog and my wife and I'll be able to get my own place."

- Wabash and Roosevelt

-- Submitted by Jan

It's already got a head, but no neck.

Flamboyant Guy: "...he wants to wear the foreskin like a turtleneck."

- Minibar

-- Submitted by Spinner

It's both.

Girl: "...and I think he's so creepy. He's either trying to gross me out or he just really, REALLY loves the smell of my shoes."

- Northwestern

-- Submitted by Jerry

Half of one, more than half of the other.

Guy: (on cell) "I'm fat enough that skinny people think I'm fat, but skinny enough that fat people envy me."

- Green Line

-- Submitted by Carolina

Maybe not everybody all the time.

Guy: "Do you think God watches what we do every day?"

Girl: "I think so."

Guy: "Shit."

- South Loop

-- Submitted by Yan

Keep digging, friend.

Guy: (no cell) "No babe, you shouldn't go on a diet. No. I love you anyway. Er, not anyway, I love you no matter how you look. No! You're not fat! I'm just saying that if you were I would still love you. Sure I'm sure. I love you now, right? THAT'S NOT WHAT I MEANT! You're beautiful to me...you know...forget it."

- Red Line

-- Submitted by Don

But they're free....

Guy #1: "A lot of the girls I meet are totally into me."

Guy #2: "No they aren't."

Guy #1: "Yeah they are. I could totally have a different chick every night."

Guy #2: "Are you insane? You could put a 'Free Gucci Bags' sign on your front door and you STILL wouldn't attract a girl."

Guy #1: "Only 'cause Gucci is totally out."

- Northeastern University

-- Submitted by Clothesline

I guess that's a bonus.

Guy #1: "I love showering. There's no better time."

Guy #2: "Especially since you can scratch your ass without getting stink finger."

- Red Line

-- Submitted by Sandoval

Well...yeah.

Guy: (on cell) "Oh Jesus! No! I wouldn't date that guy if I were straight!

- Grant Park

-- Submitted by Band

Pure Honesty.

Employee: "Anything I can help you find?"

Patron: "Inspiration."

- Bockwinkle's, Park Millenium Building

-- Submitted by Haynes

Pure Honesty.

Employee: "Anything I can help you find?"

Patron: "Inspiration."

- Bockwinkle's, Park Millenium Building

-- Submitted by Haynes

Calling her bluff?

Woman: "Jay! Put the fork down. You're going to jab it into your eye."

Boy: "No, I won't, ma. I'm just playing with it."

Woman: "You want me to put it in your eye for you?"

Boy: "I dare you."

- IHOP, North Side

-- Submitted by Linda

A sister's love is uncompromising.

Guy: (on cell) "She told me she was coming over and I felt like Alien. No, the part where the thing comes out of my stomach. No, I'm not pregnant. I'm not pregnant! Damn it. Would you feel better if I said the part where the alien gets sucked out the shuttle door's window? Fine. But if you tell mom I'm pregnant, I'm going to end you."

- Red Line

-- Submitted by Carla's Ears

Fuh. Reak.

Guy: "There's nothing I love more than getting my ass kicked by a bunch of women. Bruises. Cuts. Black eyes. So hot. So awesome."

- Belmont Ave.

-- Submitted by Purps

That's a good thing?

Guy: (on cell) "I'm telling you, the sex was great. It was very passionate and romantic. Her? Man. The best. She was all squishy."

- Skokie Swift

-- Submitted by Carlos

Either the TV is small or...

Guy #1: "I'm telling you my TV is huge."

Guy #2: "Wait...how big is your TV?"

Girl: "About twice the size of your head."

- South Loop

-- Submitted by Miss E.

Yes, fattie.

Guy: "Escuuuuuse me, mothafucka! Do I look like I could eat a 100 chicken nugget meal?"

- Southport and Grace

-- Submitted by A.Rem

The doorknob would get in the way.

Guy: "Where are you going?"

Girl: "Home."

Guy: "I have the keys."

Girl: "Shove them up your ass."

Guy: "That would make it even harder to get in the house."

- Hawkeye's

-- Submitted by Trainwreck

You need to stop working for that?

Creepy Guy: "A man should really retire when he's 55. That way he can fuck all the young women."

- #60 bus

-- Submitted by Anthony

Godspeed, sir

Worker: "I am DETERMINED to fasten these pants!"

- Loop Office

-- Submitted by Jonathon

Daddy-daughter day.

Updates tomorrow.

She's so selfish.

Girl: (on cell) "She's all threatening to commit suicide and I'm, like, 'Why do you always do this to me right before finals? Why?'"

- Uptown

-- Submitted by Spinner

Because you're BFF or because he's ugly?

Girl #1: "I'd never screw your dad."

Girl #2: "Uh-huh."

Girl #1: "Seriously. If he was trying to screw me, I wouldn't do it. Just so you know."

- Lakeview

-- Submitted by Papa Bear

It was possessed.

Woman: "It was the happiest day of my life, the day we got rid of that chainsaw."

- PePe's Downtown

-- Submitted by Dave

Can't beat the dry weather there.

Girl #1: "You headed home for the summer?"

Girl #2: "Yeah. I need to get out Chicago. This humidity is going to drive me crazy."

Girl #1: "Where do your parents live?"

Girl #2: "Miami."

- UIC

-- Submitted by Clopa

They're in charge of your money, folks.

Supervisor: "Your email address will be your first initial followed by your last name."

New Hire: "What if you aren't sure what your name is?"

Supervisor: "I'd question your interviewer as to why you have the job."

- Corporate Training Center for a large bank group

-- Submitted by New Banker

Are you sure?

Guy: (on cell) "No, dude. Wrong number. No prob."

(cell rings)

Guy: (on cell) "No, it's not Frank. Wrong number. Uh huh."

(cell rings)

Guy: (on cell) "ARE YOU AN IDIOT?! THIS ISN'T K.H. JAMES, ASSHOLE!"

- Blue Line

-- Submitted by Glory

People must act like they care.

Girl: (on cell) "I'm an actress, but I'm so busy working, I don't have time to act. It's like I have to work on acting but I can't because I'm working without acting. My life is in turmoil. TURMOIL!"

- Red Line

-- Submitted by Johnny JJ

Someone get her some antiperspirant

Girl: "My fingers are always cold, but my armpits feel like they are on fire!"

- South Loop

-- Submitted by Lisa

Why worry about disease?

Guy: (on cell) "I'm thinking of picking up some morning after pills instead of a box of condoms."

- #80 bus

-- Submitted by A Hill

One of them is ready.

Guy #1: "You ready?"

Guy #2: "For what?"

Guy #1: "YOU READY?!"

Guy #2: "FOR WHAT?!"

Guy #1: "YEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!"

- Bally's, North Side

-- Submitted by Kenny

You don't look intelligent.

Girl: "Where are you from?"

Guy: "Russia."

Girl: "Where is that?"

Guy: "It's a big country in Asia."

Girl: "You don't look asian."

- Bar Louie, UIC

-- Submitted by Colin

A father's love is undying.

Guy #1: "I would totally do Britney if she didn't have kids."

Guy #2: "Don't you have kids?"

Guy #1: "Yeah, but why would I want her baggage, too?"

- Green Line

-- Submitted by Reef

Someone needed to teach her a lesson.

Train Operator: (Over loudspeak) "Same mom, same kids, running for the train every day when we get to this stop. (sighs in disgust) IT HELPS IF YOU HOLD THEIR HANDS!"

- Red Line

-- Submitted by Jill

Dude. It's just candy.

Guy: "I need to order more candy, but first I need a gun."

- Jewel-Osco, Clark/Gregory

-- Submitted by Chris

He must have problems at interviews.

Girl #1: "So did you go home with that guy last night?"

Girl #2: "Yeah."

Girl #1: "He was super drunk."

Girl #2: "I thought so, too! Then I woke up the next morning and it turns out that's just what his face looks like."

- Red Line

-- Submitted by Dot

Valid reason.

Guy: "My boss is an asshole, but I can get him fired."

Girl: "So why don't you get him fired?"

Guy: "And give up hand? I hold it over his head all the time."

Girl: "What if he gets fired and you get his job and a fat raise?"

Guy: "And be the asshole that can get fired by some douchebag like me? No thanks."

- Red Line

-- Submitted by Quentin

Wrong month.

Kid: "Happy Halloweeeeeeeeen, SUCKAS!"

- Uptown

-- Submitted by Spinner

Facebook, yay!

There is now a facebook group for fans of the site!

Overheard in Chicago Fans!

I'm on facebook now, as well, so feel free to add me to your buddy list!

If he's back, he better bring the perm back with him.

Basketball Fan #1: "Did you see the ESPN header? Doug Collins is back as the Bulls coach!"

Basketball Fan #2: "Are you kidding? That guy couldn't coach his way out of a paper box."

Basketball Fan #1: "Jordan wanted him coaching him when he played for the Wizards."

Basketball Fan #2: "Jordan was 87 years old at the time. He was senile. He didn't know what he wanted!"

- Amoco Building

-- Submitted by Bring In Avery

Great. My doctor is from there during that time period.

Older Guy: "Where you going to school?"

Younger Guy: "Well, I applied a bunch of places, but I want to stay local. I don't think I can get into Loyola."

Older Guy: "I finished school up in 1964. At that time, you could have gotten into Loyola if your body temperature was 10 degrees below 90 or you had 5 bucks in your pocket."

- Red line

-- Submitted by Chad

That's a no.

Guy #1: "You want a Taco?"

Guy #2: "You want to go to hell?"

- Chipotle, N. Michigan

-- Submitted by Jessica

Must be a union guy.

Bum: "Hey Buddy. If someone takes my spot, kick their sign away from them. Then punch them. Then grab their money cup and give it to me. No takes my spot while I'm on break!"

- Outside of Union Station

-- Submitted by Crystal

Did someone answer?

Girl: (on cell) "Herpes! HERPES! Damn it. Hold on. (to train) Does anyone know how to say 'I have herpes' in Spanish."

- Green Line

-- Submitted by Lisa

Derrick Rose better be in red.

Guy #1: "If the Bulls take Michael Beasley, I'm having sex with John Paxson."

Guy #2: "What makes you think he would do you?"

- Red Line

-- Submitted by Gastro

Aren't barristers lawyers?

Guy #1: "Dude. I make all the coffee here now. I'm the official barrister."

Guy #2: "Well, you fucked it up last time!"

Guy #1: "Whatever. You try being a barrister."

- 25 E. Washington

-- Submitted by tea drinker

You're going to be famished afterwards.

Guy: (on cell) "Just remember what I told you: No fuck, no food."

- Memorial Day Parade Route

-- Submitted by E-rae

You're going to be famished afterwards.

Guy: (on cell) "Just remember what I told you: No fuck, no food."

- Memorial Day Parade Route

-- Submitted by E-rae

What happened to high fives for gettin' some?

Guy #1: "I still can't believe I banged her last night."

Guy #2: "Dude. She sounded like a hyena or something. I had to put on music to drown out the sound and even then I could still hear her. I even had to wrap the pillow around my head a few times. it was driving me so crazy."

- Jake's Pub, Clark Street

-- Submitted by Sean

Riiiight.

Guy #1: "Aside from taking it and blowing a guy, that was the gayest thing I've ever done."

Guy #2: "It's okay, because the first two were just experimentation, right?"

- Red Line

-- Submitted by Clay

Stay in character!

Bum: "Hello, me lads!"

Guy: "Whaddup, chump?"

Cum: "Are you fuckin' with me?"

- Roosevelt and Wabash

-- Submitted by Haynes

However, they'd make an interesting meal.

Woman: "Young man! Be careful. I'm scanning my foods, too!"

Guy: "Don't worry, lady. No ones going to steal your Zatarains and Red Baron pizza's."

- Jewel, Self Check, Skokie

-- Submitted by Mario

She is such a bean-ist.

Woman: "This is stupid. I hate beans."

- Millenium Park, The Bean

-- Submitted by Amy

2005.

Guy: "The Sox are like a hot chick. Once you get to know her parts, she's not so hot anymore."

- U.S. Cellular Field

-- Submitted by 5 of 9er

Let's try the more positive outlook.

Guy #1: "So when are you going to that flight class?"

Guy #2: "Tomorrow. It's so cool. I'm literally going to fly a plane! Then again, I could be paying 150 dollars to die."

- Millenium Park

-- Submitted by Amy

Where, what time, and what should I bring?

Girl: "Yeah! You can eat mine and then I can eat yours and it'd be just like we're eating our own!"

- Roscoe Village

-- Submitted by Miito Pai

Maybe they could borrow yours. No. Wait.

Girl: "Fish don't feel pain. They don't have brains."

- Mexican Restaurant, South Burbs

-- Submitted by Z3T3

Depends which store you got it at.

Girl: (on cell) "My bra is killing me. Did they make this damn thing with razors?"

- Red Line

-- Submitted by Rho

Catty

Guy: "What about that girl?"

Girl: "Her chin looks like it should have a hole in it. She's the definition of butt chin."

Guy: "So that's a no?"

Girl: "Jesus, Mike. If she went down on you, it could be considered anal."

- Columbia College

-- Submitted by Lenore

Well played.

White guy: "Is it hard being black?"

Black guy: "No, but it's black when it's hard."

- Loyola

-- Submitted by Ramblin' Man

Wasn't that a South Park episode?

Man: "You need to close that file."

Woman: "Son of a...poop!"

- Downtown Office

-- Submitted by Dirty Mouth?

Must have been Hef's 'Space.

Guy: "I went to a Playboy party once. I don't want to talk about it though."

Girl: "Where'd you get your invite?"

Guy: "On myspace. Some chick was sending them out."

- UIC

-- Submitted by Sparky

Congrats, congrats, congrats?

Law School Student: (on cell) "I'm pregnant, I'm pregnant, I'm pregnant."

- Loyola University

-- Submitted by A Hill

Party pooper.

Girl wearing all Celtics clothes: "YES! The Celtics are moving on! GO GREEN!"

Guy: "Do you even watch basketball? Who's the Celtics starting five?"

Girl W.A.C.C.: "Uh, Ray Allen, that Pierce guy, KJ, and one more guy."

Guy: "There are FIVE starters on a team. FIVE! KJ? That Pierce guy? Why don't you jump off the bandwagon."

Girl W.A.C.C.: "I'll jump off if I can land on your face."

- Rival's, Morton Grove

-- Submitted by Josephina

New Indy or Old Indy?

(Guy has small bag hung over his shoulder)

Guy #1: "Nice purse."

Guy #2: "Gimmie a break. At least it's an old army bag."

Guy #1: "Doesn't change the fact that you look like a fairy."

Guy #2: "This is the same bag Indiana Jones had. Would you call HIM a fairy?"

- Belmont L Stop

-- Submitted by Ben M.

I cried when he wouldn't stop with the shrimp.

Guy: "I totally cried during Forrest Gump when Bubba died. I'm man enough to admit that."

- Cubs Game

-- Submitted by Christine

Bring a bib.

Woman #1: "Oh! I got a text!"

Woman #2: "What does it say?"

Woman #1: "The American Government has announced a plan that, in 2009, all retards will be shipped away. When I thought of you, I started to cry. Be careful and wear a helmet."

- #6 Bus, Hyde Park

-- Submitted by Michael E

And guns. Don't forget the guns.

Guy: "...and I'm saying that's how we conquered the Indians! Because we were more civilized!"

- Blue Cross Blue Shield Building

-- Submitted by Busy Body

Is she British? (And there goes my fan base in England)

Girl: "Did you see her Facebook picture? It's not that bad, but she has, like, the worst smile in the whole world."

- DePaul

-- Submitted by Runner

I'm the King.

Guy: "You are the court jester of parallel parking."

- Lincoln Park

-- Submitted by Niki

Not even close, lady.

(Asian teen group chatting in a different language)

Nosy lady: "Excuse me. Where are you from?"

Kid: "Korea."

Nosy lady: "Tokyo?"

- 151 Sheridan Bus

-- Submitted by AznGrl

You mean the smoothie, right?

Guy: (on cell) "I was down so he took me out for a milk shake. I got a boysenberry smoothie. I ended up pooping my guts out, but it was delicious."

- UIC

-- Submitted by Tats

A bit harsh, no?

Guy #1: "Sounds like a Dane Cook bit."

Guy #2: "There's no way. I hate Dane Cook."

Guy #1: "So you wouldn't pay to see him?"

Guy #2: "Would he be in front of a firing squad? Would I be able to pull the trigger?"

- South Loop

-- Submitted by Suit

For realz.

Man: (to child throwing a tantrum) "I bet that makes you really mad, huh?"

Child: "Hell's yeah!"

- Union Station

-- Submitted by Anne Hedonia

...and maple syrup

Girl: "What'd you order?"

Guy: "Stuffed French Toast."

Girl: "What's it stuffed with?"

Guy: "Babies."

- IHOP, Halsted Street

-- Submitted by Thomas

Very busy day today.

My apologies OIC fans, for the update lack.

In the mean time, why don't you check out the goods?

Z

So THAT'S what that snake was.

Girl: "He's married and he has a girlfriend. Yeah, it's not going to go anywhere. Sometimes you just have to hit it, you know. Forbidden fruit. With a penis."

- Red Line

-- Submitted by Tina

So, are you two dating or something?

Guy #1: "Anyone who wants some can come get a piece."

Guy #2: "How about you just break some off?"

Guy #1: "Yeeeeaaaaah."

- Bally's, Morton Grove

-- Submitted by Quentin

A little harsh on both sides.

Guy #1: "You leaving for the day?"

Guy #2: (screaming) "WHY THE HELL DO YOU CARE?"

Guy #1: "Because, I wanted to say have a good night. Now I hope you shit razor blades."

- Northside Architect's office.

-- Submitted by Clyde

That's okay. They can see "earthquakebows."

Girl #1: "Look at that rainbow!"

Girl #2: "It's so awesome."

Girl #1: "Do you know that in California it never rains? Think about all the kids that will never see a rainbow."

- Buca di Beppo, Orland Park

-- Submitted by Allyson

Chubby or huge?

Woman #1: "I'll see you when you get back."

Woman #2: "Ok. I'm going to keep working out. I don't want to be all chubby when I walk down the street."

- South Loop Fitness Club

-- Submitted by Dave G.

How dirty?

Blonde: "...I'm serious. He looked exactly like you except his beard was a little bit more of a 'dirty blonde.'"

Guy: "You're a dirty blonde."

- Teacher's Lounge, Goebert Elementary School, Aurora

-- Submitted by Mark H.

OIC on WBEZ

For those of you who didn't catch it, I was on the radio talking about the site. You can check it out/listen to it at the link below:

http://www.wbez.org/Content.aspx?audioID=22134

Workable with a meat tenderizer.

Guy #1: "I think your best bet would be to tell her right away."

Guy #2: "But I still love her."

Guy #1: "No. You don't."

Guy #2: "Yeah. I do."

Guy #1: "Then why is it that you throw yourself at random poon on the street, sleep with any girl you can get, and constantly tell her she's not the one for you."

Guy #2: "So I guess I have a small issue, but it's definitely workable."

- Red Line

-- Submitted by Hobnob

Plese be talking about fire...

Girl: (on cell) "No, honey. It's completely normal if it burns a little. Just try not to alert the neighbors."

- Bucktown

-- Submitted by Smoes

With extra carbs.

Restaurant-Goer: "This would taste much better if I was eating it on Robert Atkin's grave."

- Chipotle, East Rogers Park

-- Submitted by Dominick C.