Makes it come faster

(Woman pushes already lit elevator button.)

Crazy Guy: "I just pushed the damn elevator button. Do you think my push gave the thing AIDS?"

- Merchandise Mart

-- Submitted by Lagro

This isn't the South

Bartender: "We're going to get that new Deer Hunter video game. Shooting deer with a beer in your hand; what could be more American than that?"

Aussie Patron: "Driving a NASCAR at the same time."

- Wrigleyville

-- Submitted by Bated Breath

Where drinks are free!

First Grader: "I'm going to write about my vacation!"

Friend: "Where did you guys go?"

First Grader: "Pepsicola, Florida."

- Elementary School on the South Side

--Submitted by First Grade Teacher

Gross

(Walking out of washroom)

Suit: "Why do you keep using the handicapped button to open the damn bathroom door?!"

Button pusher: "I'm not touching that door handle!"

Suit: "Why not? You didn't wash your fucking hands anyway! Now you've contaminated the button as well as the handle!"

- Sears Tower

-- Submitted by Lou the Jew

Dr. 60609?

Girl: (on cell) "...and I saw it on TV, so I tried it. Can I tell you how excited I was that my boobs were finally the same size? I can totally show them off now!!!"

- Michigan Ave.

-- Submitted by Warrior

Must be a "wait" limit, too.

(Guy tries to get off the elevator, but a rush of people block the exit.)

Guy: "Why is it that every fucking time I try to get off an elevator, you fat slobs can't wait three seconds to push your way on? Do I look like a freaking shadow? Am I paper thin enough to go through your elephant army? Last one in busts the weight limit!!!!! Assholes."

- Leo Burnette Building

-- Submitted by Goober

Stinky love.

(Woman stands up to go to the bathroom)

Woman: (whispers) "Honey, slip me the paper."

Man: "For what? I'm reading!"

Woman: "I need to go to the bathroom."

Man: "You going to apologize to everyone before you stink the place up or after?"

- Intelligensia Downtown

-- Submitted by Brinn

Or someone with a slanty face

Conductor: "This guy just came up to me and told me he found these glasses. He goes 'I think I stepped on them.' (Holds up bent glasses.) I tell him 'No you didn't. They just belong to the elephant man."

- Metra to Union Station

-- Submitted by Villi

Chicago is friendly

"Special" Guy: (pushing people) "Excuse me! Excuse me! This door is occupied! Everyone stand back!"

Angry Lady: "Not today, asshole!"

"Special" Guy: "OCCUPIED! OCCUPIED! THIS DOOR IS OCCUPIED! MOVE BACK!"

Angry Lady: "No, retard! I ain't goin' anywhere! You push me around every damn morning and I'm getting tired of it. You push me one more damn time and I'm going to tear you apart and feed you to the pigeons!"

- Purple Line

-- Submitted by Chuck

So she's a bitch?

Dude: (on cell) "...yeah, and the problem is you're a bitch. You have bitch fingers, bitch hands, bitch arms, a bitch face, a bitch body, bitch legs, and bitch knees. You have bitch blood running through your god damn bitch veins. STOP CALLING ME!"

- Brown Line

-- Submitted by Staph

So why are you yelling?

Girl: (on cell) "Damn it Mom! I can't BELIEVE you told them that! It's an open case, I still have to go to court! Everyone doesn't need to know that I was arrested! Don't tell them!" (pause) "It was when I went up to the school! Yeah, they arrested me at the school! NOT EVERYONE NEEDS TO KNOW THAT!"

- Jewel in Lisle

-- Submitted by DRSF Rich

"Not kill 12 million people...."

One businessman to another: "...that's what Hitler should have done."

- North Michigan Ave.

-- Submitted by Jess

Chestilicious

Woman: (on cell) "I'm telling you, Marie, he had a chest to die for. Nice pecs, great definition. (slight moan) Ohhhh, I could chomp on those things like they were a bucket of buffalo wings."

- Metra

-- Submitted by Fantastico!

Definitely not a Corleone

Guy: "...I just need to do something that will really get her attention. She went too far this time."

Friend: "Let it go."

Guy: "No, no, no. I have an idea. Do you think I could do that horse's head thing from The Godfather? She really loves her hamster, and it would probably have the same effect."

- Northbrook Starbucks

-- Submitted by Bark

Must have skipped "big hand, little hand" in school.

Guy: (relentlessly searching his pockets and bag) "I can't find my phone. What time is it?"

Woman: (points to clock on wall) "There's a clock right there."

Guy: "I can't read that analog shit!"

- Oakton/Skokie Blvd. Walgreens, Skokie

-- Submitted by Colleen

The cause of, and solution to, all of life's problems.

College Dude #1: "Oh man. I think I'm getting the shakes." (holds out shakey hand)

College Dude #2: "Well , have you been drinkin' lately?"

College Dude #1: "No, man. I haven't had a drink in like 2 weeks."

College Dude #2: "Well there you go, you idiot."

- Red Line

-- Submitted by Mike Router

Odoriferous emanation.

Guy: "..and we wake up in the morning, shower, clean up, put the baby powder on the crotch and we're out the door. I'm telling you, man: You cram into that metro and it gets so hot, the baby powder turns into freakin' glue. I might as well have washed with limburger cheese."

- Prudential Building

-- Submitted by Ron

Valid question

Homey #1: "What up, Money!!!"

Homey #2: "What uuuuup, Moneeeey!!!"

Clueless Friend: "If you're both 'Money,' how do you know who is who?"

- UIC

-- Submitted by Yipsy

Uh...Police?

Man: (on cell) "I swear to GOD! If we don't hang out tomorrow night, I will cut you. (pause) Horseshit! I will rip out your liver and make you eat it while I feast on your heart. (pause) Good choice. 9PM it is."

- Marketplace on Oakton, Skokie

-- Submitted by Howie

Goth is no longer "different."

(Goth kid with purple, red, green, and orange hair.)

Goth Kid: "What are you staring at?"

Suit: "You."

Goth Kid: "Why?"

Suit: "You have 4 hair colors. You're dressed in all black with a John Travolta caricature on your shirt. You have eye liner and lipstick on and your shoes are pink. I think I have a right to stare."

- Blue Line

-- Submitted by Crying Shame

Next time, slap yourself.

Guy : (talking to woman with pregnant abdomen) "Oh! When are you expecting?"

Lady : "I just gave birth not too long ago"

Guy : "It stays big that way?"

Lady : "It takes a while to get smaller."

Guy : "It's so big. I've never seen that before."

- Evanston Whole Foods

-- Submitted by Grocery Patron

Girls excel at dirty talk

Playa: "I was getting all into it to dude. Rachel is freaking hooooot."

Buddy: "So why the hell did you stop?"

Playa: "Well, we were getting into it, and after she goes down on me, she looks at me and says, 'Your turn.' So I get down there and she screams, 'Yeah, Baby! Suck my catling!' I started laughing so hard I had to leave."

- Northwestern Campus

-- Submitted by Wildcat

Next time, try an I-pod

Guy: "I don't get it; I got him a skull as a graduation gift."

- #36 Broadway Bus

-- Submitted by Greg

If you're a parent, you'll agree. If not, wait until you are.

Woman: "..and she cries that much? How do you put up with it?"

Mom: "I do everything by the book. Try and change her, feed her, hold her, play, sing, dance, put her in the car, anything I can think of."

Woman: "Does it work?"

Mom: "Sometimes. But I'll tell you this much: I understand shaken baby syndrome a lot better now."

- Purple Line

-- Submitted by Larry

Stupider than people who trip over the bikes?

Guy: "Look at that shit. They should not allow bikes to be on trains. Stupidest thing in the world."

Girl: "Why? People ride the bike to the train and then ride to where they have to go after they get off."

Guy: "Have you ever tripped on one of those? You don't even see them and then BAM! you're on the ground. I've torn ACL's tripping over those things."

Girl: "You tore your ACL falling off of a bike."

Guy: "Riding, tripping, you still fall down and hurt yourself."

- Purple Line

-- Submitted by Haji

Getting rough on Sesame Street

(Large woman wearing a yellow, feather covered shirt walks by)

Guy: "Holy crap! What was that?"

Buddy: "Big Bird! What the hell happened to you!?"

- Millenium Park Grill

-- Submitted by Cretin

So has the freelancer.

Girl: (on cell) "I've had better days. One of my freelancers committed suicide last night."

- Outside Union Station

-- Submitted by Candice and Echo

Must be French

Guy: (on cell) "If we just launched a frog bomb on their asses, they wouldn't know what the hell hit 'um."

- Evanston

-- Submitted by Crazy Larry

Because they always have fresh food.

Walker: (on cell) "No way! You ever been to the 24 hour McDonald's on Cermak & Harlem? Talk about freshness. Ordered a quarter pounder and it was like a left over from yesterday."

- Loyola Campus

-- Submitted by Tattoo Freak

Ah, Starbucks.

Barista: "Can I help the next person, please?"

Customer: "Yes. Half caf, no fat, 140 degree latte please."

Barista: "Excuse me?"

Customer: "Half caf, no fat, 140 degree latte please."

Next in Line: "Dumbass. Do you want coffee or a freaking thermometer?"

- Downtown Starbucks

-- Submitted by Nasty

You're not Michael Knight!

(Woman autostarts her car as she's walking up to it.)

Onlooker: "Oh my goodness! Does your car automatically start when you get close to it?"

Woman: "Yeah. It does. I'm driving KITT from Knight Rider."

- Highland Park Walker Bros.

-- Submitted by Bear

"Cubs logic" is so sad

Cubs Fan #1: "...but if you took away that 6th inning, we would have won. On national TV!!!"

Cubs Fan #2: "You can't do that! If you took away the 6th? If you took away all the losses they'd be undefeated. If you took away all the runs scored against them, they'd have all shut outs. If they won every World Series from 1900 on we would have a 106 year WORLD SERIES STREAK YOU FUCKING IDIOT! I hate coming to games with you."

- Exiting Wrigley Field

-- Submitted by Dusty for President

His own man....with a black eye.

Guy: (on cell) "I know. It's a problem. You're right. I don't listen to anybody; not even myself. It's like I punch my conscience in the face."

- Lake Michigan Beach

-- Submitted by Cowlie

Hair-frying awesome

Park Goer #1: "...and they said it was supposed to rain today."

Park Goer #2: "I hope not."

Park Goer #1: "They shut down almost everything when it rains, right?"

Park Goer #2: "Only if there's lightening, I think."

Park Goer #1: "They should find a way to incorporate the lightening into the rides. How awesome would that be?"

- Great America

-- Submitted by The Colonel

Self-deprecate much?

Office Guy: "I'll be back. You sticking around?"

Self-Esteem King: "Yeah. I'll be the big, fat, Jewish guy sitting in my office."

- Chase Building

-- Submitted by Shnike

Bums making sense

(One bum looks through trash as another looks on. First bum pulls out a cigarette carton.)

Bum #1: (holds up carton) "Please, please, PLEASE!"

Bum #2: "Please what?"

Bum #1: "I'm hopin' there's a cigarette in here."

Bum #2: "Who would throw away a carton before smoking all the smokes?"

Bum #1: "I used to."

Bum #2: "That's why you ain't got no cash. You're wasteful."

- Erie and Wells

-- Submitted by Carlos

More like Magellan

World Traveller: "...but it's going real good. In fact, we're having a contest to see who does better, me or them. If they win, I'm taking them and their families on a trip. Probably to the Turks and Caicos.

Guy: "Turkish chaos? Where the hell is that?"

World Traveller: "Turks and Caicos. They're islands in the West Indies."

Guy: "The West Indies? Who are you, Columbus?"

- Near Belmont and Damen

-- Submitted by Demetri

Big, cuddly bear

Lady: "Oh, you are not. I know you get all kinds of emotional."

Tough Guy: "No. Seriously. Unless it involves trauma to my children, I don't."

Lady: "Whatever. You're just a fluffy guy."

Tough Guy: "Yeah. Fluffly like a rock."

- State and Van Buren

-- Submitted by Creole

On rye bread with mustard....

Goth kid: "I like pigeons."

Punk kid: "Pigeons are just rats with wings!"

Goth kid: "...But I like rats."

- Millenium Park

-- Submitted by Elora

You look like you have stupid

Guy: "He's so easily offended. I was like, 'Dude, you look like you have AIDS!' I mean, he totally looks like he has AIDS. And he was, like, so pissed at me. Isn't that lame?"

Girl: "Totally."

- DePaul University Student Center

-- Submitted by Cassie

This kid gets it.

(Kid running around wearing a cape and goggles.)

Nice Old Lady: "Aren't you adorable?! Are you supposed to be Superman?"

Kid: "No."

Nice Old Lady: "Batman?"

Kid: "No."

Nice Old Lady: "Then why are you wearing a cape and goggles, dear?"

Kid: "Because I can."

- Millenium Park

-- Submitted by Shmark

If they take out the turkey, cheese, and veggie's, it'll be even skinnier.

Sandwich Maker: "What can I get you?"

Blonde: "Can I have a skinny turkey and a turkey on wheat with provalone? How do you make it 'skinny?'''

Sandwich maker: "Remove some bread."

Blonde: "How do you do that?"

- Lincoln Square Potbelly's

-- Submitted by Crazybeautiful

Like rain?

Crazy Guy: (boards train and screams) "RAIN SUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCKS!!!!! That is all."

- Red Line

-- Submitted by Clickson

Sometimes, you should leave it to the pros.

Handyman: "...it just didn't seem that hard when I saw them do it on TV."

Buddy: "Look, dude. It isn't easy, but you need to know what you're doing. It can get tricky."

Handyman: "I know, but demolishing stuff seemed easy enough. I wasn't going to do everything myself."

Buddy: "So what's the damage?"

Handyman: "Well, I was going to save about $3,000 doing it myself. Because I screwed up the walls and floors so bad, it's going to cost me $5,000 to have it fixed."

Buddy: "Your wife is going to divorce you, you know."

- Red Line

-- Submitted by Jason

Harsh

Dude #1: "I feel grimy."

Dude #2: "Great."

Dude #1: "I think I need to take a bath."

Dude #2: "Fag."

- Orange Line

-- Submitted by City Street

Restaurants don't have ferris wheels.

Woman: "...if the Taste were here all year round, I would be the happiest person in the world."

Passerby: "The Taste is here all year round. It's called going to a restaurant, idiot."

- Taste of Chicago

-- Submitted by Butter

Reasoning is FINALLY coming back

Parent: "and they keep banning all the games we used to play. What the hell are kids going to do?"

Other Parent: "Yeah, it is getting pretty pathetic. Kids DO get hurt, but thats kids."

Parent: "The only thing that's going to be left for them to do is watch TV, but that's bad for them, too. Soon the only activity they're going to be able to do for fun is sit in bed and stare at a wall. I'd say read a book, but they may get paper cuts."

- Taste of Chicago

-- Submitted by Carol

Touche

Guy: "I would give ANYTHING for a million dollars."

Friend: "Bullshit."

Guy: "Seriously. What wouldn't I give?"

Friend: "Two million dollars."

- Taste of Chicago

-- Submitted by Donnie

Proof that you can be too involved in your kids' life

Office Guy: "I'm telling you, potty training the kid has been nerve racking."

Office Mate: "But it's going well, right?"

Office Guy: "Yeah. But I think I'm pushing for it too much."

Office Mate: "How's that?"

Office Guy: "When I got home from work yesterday, I told my wife I had to go poopy in the potty. I felt like a total douchebag."

- AT&T/SBC Building

-- Submitted by Smooth Operator

Kids: Getting stupider.

Boy #1: "That's a funny name. Tut."

Boy #2: "Yeah. His parents must have been idiots."

Boy #1: "They should have named him something cool."

Boy #2: "Yeah. Like 'dude." Then we would have been King Dude."

Boy #1: "Awesome."

- Field Museum

-- Submitted by Claire

So you two are breaking up?

Guy: (on cell) "Just hear me out. No. Listen. Listen to me. Hear what I have to say. Just listen. Please. Listen. (pause) (screams) BITCH!"

- Taste of Chicago

-- Submitted by Daphne

Loving mother.

Lady: "I think I should move, but I don't know how many bedrooms I want."

Friend: "Get three. One for you and one for both your kids."

Lady: "But they're going to leave for college soon. "

Friend: "So you'll be an empty nester. You can have an office and a guest room."

Lady: "Are you nuts? My kids are going to end up moving back in with me. Who the hell is going to hire those two numbskulls."

- Taste of Chicago

-- Submitted by Jackee

I almost didn't post this, but I did.

Guy: (on cell) "No, I'm downtown. I almost missed the train, but I didn't."

Bum: "That's like saying I almost have a house, but I don't."

- Boeing Building

-- Submitted by Jaycee

More effective than Raid.

Lady Lawyer: "...you should TOTALLY buy my house, Cindy! We're moving to Bartlett anyway. We'll give you a great price."

Male Suit Friend: "Yeah, Cindy. Then we can hang out on weekends, too!"

Cindy: "No. I can't afford it."

Male Suit Friend: "Come on, Cindy. Unlike your house, this one hasn't been on fire!"

Cindy: "It got rid of all the carpenter ants, didn't it?"

- Metra Milwaukee District North Line

-- Submitted by Erica

U.S.A.! U.S.A.! U.S.A.!

(Fireworks conductor speaking with an Irish accent)

Angry Drunk Guy: "Why is there a god damn Irish guy runnin' this show? I WANT AN AMERICAN, DAMNIT!"

- Taste of Chicago

-- Submitted by Maria

Must be a rocket scientist

Guy: "I'm telling you, those aren't the fireworks we're looking for."

Girl: "Yeah they are. They're pretty much in the area where they're supposed to be."

Guy: "No they aren't. They're going to be pretty much in front of us."

Girl: "Maybe they're shooting them sideways this year."

- Near Harrer Park in Morton Grove

-- Submitted by Teela

Give him 2 dollars and you get both

Bum: (selling candy bars) "C'mon lady, one dollar for these here candy bars so I have enough to get out of town."

Teen girl: "No thanks."

Bum: "Baby, it's only a dollar! I need this money so I won't get caught by no po po!"

Teen girl: "How about you keep your candy and I just GIVE you a dollar to leave me the fuck alone."

- Blue Line

-- Submitted by Maria

Taste of Chicago...'s wallets

Guy: "...and I can't believe I keep coming back here."

Girl: "Come on. It's fun. There's food, music, people, the lake. And we're not at work."

Guy: "If I was at work, there would be a radio, coworkers, and a view of the lake. As for food, I could pay less than seven dollars for a 'taste' of pizza and expense it later!"

- Taste of Chicago

-- Submitted by Amy

Camera Shy

Woman: (pointing at another couple) "See, George, not EVERYONE forgets to bring a camera."

George: "I DON'T WANT TO TAKE ANYMORE GOD DAMN PICTURES WITH YOU."

- Chicago Botanical Gardens

-- Submitted by Hervina

Pinpointing the exact start of a downfall

Crazy homeless lady: "Where did I go wrong? Why has this happened to me?"

Girl behind her: "I'm pretty sure it started wit yo nappy ass weave!"

- State and Madison

-- Submitted by Leah