If you're buying Progresso, you're not getting their finest anything.

Girl: "If I buy three cans of soup here, I can make it at home."

Guy: "But I want the soup from the restaurant."

Girl: "Maybe we can bring it and have them cook it for us."

Guy: "Yeah. That'll be awesome. 'Excuse me, waiter. I'd like your finest steak, your finest wine, and, uh, could you heat up this Progresso for us?'"

- North Side Jewel

-- Submitted by Secret SHopper

For who?

Guy: (on cell) "All I'm saying is that cranberry juice can fix it. Gout, eye infections, colds, stomach aches, nausea. It's the medicine of choice."

- Red Line

-- Submitted by Tal

It kind of has a tie in. Nazi.

Guy #1: "You ever seen 'The Departed,' Vince?"

Guy #2: "No. It's not Italian, so I don't watch it."

Guy #1: "What are you? Some kind of Jew?"

- Columbia College

-- Submitted by Haynes

1600 posts!

Guy #1: "What are you guys doing in here? Working out?"

Guy #2: (smile and nod)

Guy #1: "Are you guys doing slow work to get your core?"

Guy #2: (smile and nod)

Guy #1: "That's an awesome exercise. Working all kinds of muscles."

Guy #2: (smile and nod)

Guy #3: "He doesn't speak English dude."

Guy #1: "It's okay. Smiles are the universal language."

- Bally's, Morton Grove

-- Submitted by Adrian

If it were, it would be AWESOME.

Hipster: (to brake happy driver) "JEE-sus, man. This isn't Mr. Toad's Wild Fucking Ride!"

- 81 Larry Eastbound

-- Submitted by Spinner

What about 'Shallow Head?'

Guy #1: "Here's comes 'Over Make-up."

Guy #2: "That's not 'Over Make-up. It's 'Crinkle Nose.'"

Guy #1: "No it's not. 'Crinkle Nose' doesn't wear that much makeup."

Guy #2: "I think you're confusing her with 'Scrunchy Face.'"

- UIC Fitness Center

-- Submitted by Burger

It better not be your anniversary.

Guy: (on cell) "I need to find out if I'm married!"

- Cook County Office of Vital Statistics

-- Submitted by AJ

Perv.

Guy #1: "There's nothing more humbling than buying a plunger and nothing else at the store."

Guy #2: "What about condoms?"

Guy #1: "What's worse, then: Buying condoms or buying a plunger?"

Guy #2: "I think if you buy a box of condoms and a plunger at the same time, with nothing else, you should wear some kind of costume or makeup to hide your true identity."

- West Side

-- Submitted by Deeg

I want that job.

Guy: "I hope your gaydar is on."

Girl: "It's always on."

Guy: "What do you think of him?"

Girl: "I don't know. It's possible."

Guy: "I thought you said the gaydar was on!"

Girl: "It must be on the fritz. I have technicians coming to fix it later."

- South Loop

-- Submitted by Carlton

Don't worry about coming in on Monday...

Girl: "I'm not in the mood to go to work tonite."

Guy: "Don't go."

Girl: "But I've called off, like, 50 times already."

Guy: "Then maybe work isn't in the mood for you to go to work tonite."

- Red Line

-- Submitted by Lala

Coincidence? I think not.

Bum: "Help is h-e-l-p. Hell is h-e-l-l. You see what they did? IThey only changed one letter!!!"

- Michigan Ave. Bridge crossine the Chicago River

-- Submitted by Dan

It's a valid question

Woman: "I'm not going to fight over which computer to use. I can use whichever one has a keyboard and a mouse."

Man: "What about a working screen?"

Woman: "SHUT THE HELL UP, SMARTASS!"

- North Side Office

-- Submitted by Teng

I bet my Stalin story trumps it.

Office dude: "Oh my god, I have GOT to tell you my Hitler story!"

- Loop Office

-- Submitted by One Cube Over

Or he could, you know, not try and kill people

Student: "My dad carries a gun around because Michigan has concealed carry permits. He's always hoping someone will mess with him. Like, he'll purposefully drive through sketchy neighborhoods just to see."

- Loyola

-- Submitted by Andrew

Someone call Cartman.

Pregnant lady: "...and when the baby comes I already have lots of hemp clothes for her. And I'm buying totally organic baby food. All natural products."

Friend: "And then are you going to smoke a bowl with it, hippie?"

- Red Line

-- Submitted by Katierysz

Doesn't have much kick.

Man: (on cell) "Don't EVER tell that joke again. It was totally abysmal. Weak sauce."

- Orange Line

-- Submitted by Surge

Arrrrrr.

Guy #1: "I think I'm a pirate."

Guy #2: "Why would you think that?"

Guy #1: "Because I love me some booty."

- South Loop Fitness Club

-- Submitted by Ray

He's a werewolf. Or Fergie.

Guy: (on cell) "And he was just standing there, shaving his forehead. No, he had shaving cream on it. And it was totally normal. Like he does it every day. He looked liked that yellow smiley face, except with white foam. And a razor."

- Red Line

-- Submitted by Carlos

There goes my line.

Guy #1: "It's Dave at hotmail dot com. And hot mail is spelled mail not male. People always ask me that."

Guy #2: "It's because you're an insecure douchebag."

Guy #1: "A HOT insecure douchebag."

- Loyola

-- Submitted by Ramblin' Man

Way to be grateful.

Woman #1: "I ordered a few pizzas for Saturday. I got one cheese, one veggie..."

Woman #2: "Where are they from?"

Woman #1: "Marchello's, I think."

Woman #2: "They better be. If I eat pizza from the same damn place again, I may lose my mind. Your walls will eat more pizza than I do."

- South Loop Fitness Club

-- Submitted by Neckbottle

No wonder there's no liquor...that's not in a brown bag.

Fellow Bus-stopper: "This ain't a limo bitch. This the bus."

- Loop

-- Submitted by Walker

It also takes the "bitch" edge off

Girl: "...so I take midol but then I drink a lot of caffeine to speed up the effect."

- DePaul

-- Submitted by What?

He's not frisky anymore

(Old couple walking by two dogs playing in the snow.)

Woman: "Why don't we play like that anymore?"

Man: (pause) "'Cause I'm not some fucking dog, Sheila."

- Grant Park

-- Submitted by Haynes

ADHD

Kid: "That's not a girl, it's a boy. Do you even know who Michael Jackson is? He's the guy who used to be black, but changed to white. Jeez!"

- Second grade classroom on the North Side

-- Submitted by The Teacher

Finance 101

Woman: "Wait. I don't understand the whole insider trading thing."

Man: "Without going into detail, it's basically when someone has some information that isn't public and they use that information to their benefit on the stock market."

Woman: "So it's only with publicly traded companies?"

Man: "Privately held companies don't have stocks."

Woman: "So it's only on the stock market."

Man: "As opposed to trading people?"

- Red Line

-- Submitted by Amara

And less burning during urination

Girl: "I'm tired."

Guy: "Me, too. I had late rehearsal last night and I woke up with sore sinuses."

Girl: "Sore sinuses?"

Guy: "Nasal passage burning. Like chlamidya, but with snot."

- Sears Tower

-- Submitted by Cdylan

Hopefully for him.

Man: (on cell) "No, he just peed on himself, so I had to come to the store and buy new socks."

- Target, S. Canal Street

-- Submitted by Andrew

Or "HOLY CRAP!"

Kid: "Mom, are we going to crash?"

Mother: "We don't call it crashing honey. We call it an emergency landing."

- Plane out of Midway

-- Submitted by Alicja

Yeah. Not necesarily.

Culinary Student: "I'm just going to stand here and keep rolling my balls. Otherwise, they get all hard and crusty and that's not necessarily a good thing."

- Kendall College

-- Submitted by (another) Culinary Student

Brave it, my friend. And let me know if you need help.

Teenager: "I want to go to Victoria's Secret next. I know, I know. That's where the slutty girls go. But I really need a new bra."

- Water Tower Place

-- Submitted by Judy

It's like the Achy Breaky Heart dance, except dirty.

Girl #1: "What do you mean it was a rough night?"

Girl #2: "We did the Alabama Crab Dangle."

Girl #1: "And that is?"

Girl #2: "I don't want to talk about it..."

- Brown Line

-- Submitted by Jethro

Vacation!

I'll be in Vegas (hopefully, damn snow) until next Wednesday. Until then there probably won't be updates. See you guys in a week. Unless you're in Vegas. Where I'll see you later.

Back to conversations!!!

Did he talk about the food?

Guy: "I just remember in 4th grade, we came back from summer vacation and we had to tell the class what we did over break. Everyone talked about Disneyworld, pools, camps, that stuff. Except one kid. He told us that he went to Jenny Craig every week. His parents had convinced him that it was like camp, but didn't meet as often."

- South Loop

-- Submitted by Dave

Sad because it's true

Poll Worker: "Which ballot would you like?"

Girl: "I'll take the green one."

Poll Worker: "You'll be voting on the Green Party Ballot?!"

Girl: "Oh. No, I just thought green was a pretty color."

- Polling Place, Lincoln Square

-- Submitted by Rob

How did you NOT know the answer to that?

Guy #1: "Can I get one of his pubes?"

Guy #2: "Why?"

Guy #1: "So I can clone him and sleep with him."

- 22 Bus, Lincoln Park

-- Submitted by Mark

Stalk much?

Guy: (on cell) "If I see Dane Cook in an alley, I'm going to kick his ass. Doesn't have to be an alley, no. It could be a dark street, or a dark room, or, you know, anywhere dark. Because I don't want him to see me. Because I'm still a fan, that's why."

- Red Line

-- Submitted by Rey

Easily confused.

Girl: "Everytime I see a snake, I feel like screaming."

Guy: "How often do you see snakes?"

Girl: "All the time. They're everywhere."

Guy: "Are you sure you're talking about snakes and not office buildings?"

- Union Station

-- Submitted by Tanya

Weak.

Guy #1: "Let's go see 'Wicked.'"

Guy #2: "That'd be so awesome."

Guy #1: "Would it be totally.....wicked?"

Guy #2: "You've been thinking of that all day haven't you?"

- Roosevelt and State

-- Submitted by Johnny D.

I'll take both for 2 million

Woman: "The million dollar question of the week: What hold's you up better, the love of God in your life or your wonderbra?"

- Elmwood Park Metra Stop

-- Submitted by Hoping to Age Gracefully

That's quite a comeback. Youch.

Guy: "I don't get it. How can you absolutely be sure that the light is off when you close the refrigerator door?"

Girl: "You're a retard."

Guy: "Yeah. This coming from the girl with four abortions."

- West Loop

-- Submitted by Ted

A sailboat is a scooner, stupidhead.

Cab Dispatcher: "They're at a yacht club. It's like a boat club."

- Cab on the North Side

-- Submitted by krowgoat

Note to self: Visit Honduras

Girl #1: "So I went to Honduras to visit my sister and they all swim naked there."

Girl #2: "Did you get naked?"

Girl #1: "Only topless. I figured if nobody's looking at my cooch, I'm fine with it."

- Blue Line

-- Submitted by Friendofbob

Have you tried a basket?

Girl: "I just don't think I want bananas in the bathtub."

Guy: "Where else would we fit them?"

- Irving Park Bus

-- Submitted by Emilie

Especially so for the baby.

Young Woman: "Late term abortion is really unhealthy for the mother and the baby."

- Red Line

-- Submitted by The Always Amused Aussie

How much does that cost?

Girl #1: "Wanna watch American Idol with me?"

Girl #2: "No. You care about who wins WAAAY too much."

Girl #1: "It's an important competition which changes the lives of millions of people."

Girl #2: "Really? Name five. And you can't use any of the 'winners' because only three are worth their weight in feces."

- Loyola University

-- Submitted by Tanya

That's quite irritated.

Guy #1: "My wife just had surgery, so we can't, well, you know."

Guy #2: "What? Make dinner together?"

Guy #1: "No. YOU KNOW."

Guy #2: "Watch TV? Make the bed? Do dishes? Drive a car?"

Guy #1: "Do you now understand why I hate hanging out with you? You irritate me to the point of eye stabbings."

- Potbelly's on Wabash

-- Submitted by KC

There is the possibility...

Guy: "You getting ready to vote?"

Girl: "Yeah. But there are way too many things to vote for. How the hell do you pick all the judges?"

Guy: "I just go with their last names. If they sound Jewish, I vote for them."

Girl: "What if they're not really Jewish?"

Guy: "That's fine. As long as they're not secret Nazi spies, I think we'll be okay."

- Metra South Shore

-- Submitted by Ibam

I'm a snuggler.

Hobo: "It's cold and I'm lonely. If you don't give me change, the only way I can warm up is with a hug and a snuggle. Would you rather drop a nickel or wrap your arms around me?"

- Outside Union Station

-- Submitted by Isaac

High Standards

Girl: "...so we went out for dinner and a movie. Ended up sleeping with him. I can't believe that happened again. I'm such a sucker for appetizers."

- Metra Milwaukee District North Line

-- Submitted by Frankie

Poor usage

Guy #1: "...it hurt for a while, but when I was on my stomach, I didn't feel a thing."

Guy #2: (slyly) "That's what she said."

Guy #1: "I don't know if I'd advertise that one, pal."

- South Loop

-- Submitted by Kinz

Poor usage

Guy #1: "...it hurt for a while, but when I was on my stomach, I didn't feel a thing."

Guy #2: (slyly) "That's what she said."

Guy #1: "I don't know if I'd advertise that one, pal."

- South Loop

-- Submitted by Kinz

Party?

Girl: "Do you ever wonder why you have to go to the bathroom?"

Guy: "No. You go so your body can rid itself of waste."

Girl: "No. I mean why you have to really go to the bathroom. Like, the deeper meaning."

Guy: "What deeper meaning are you looking for? I mean, you know what happens in there, right?"

- Loyola University

-- Submitted by Ramblin' Man

With extra blankies

Guy #1: "That's complete bunk."

Guy #2: "Like the bed?"

Guy #1: "Only if you sleep in beds made of lies and deception."

- Green Line

-- Submitted by Debunker

I don't think it's going to happen

Guy: "I think the Beatles need to do a reunion tour."

- #54 Bus

-- Submitted by Frank

You actually have three.

Guy #1: "You look like you're getting a double chin."

Guy #2: "Excuse me!?!?!"

Guy #1: "I mean that as a compliment."

Guy #2: "I'm sorry, but can you pleeeease tell me how saying that I have a double chin is a compliment?"

- Red Line

-- Submitted by KCTobin

What's the plan?

Girl: "...I figure this way, I won't get herpes."

- Water Tower Place

-- Submitted by Luis

The coffee is only 4 bucks?

Guy: "There's actually a better Starbucks across the street from that Starbucks."

- Wacker and Monroe

-- Submitted by Ivy

It's the in thing.

Guy: "How many popsicle have you eaten?"

Girl: "Six."

Guy: "How many are in the box?"

Girl: "Twelve. But they're only 15 calories per popsicle."

Guy: "Yeah, but you can't replace real meals with popsicles."

Girl: "Cooking is for suckers. Iced foods is where it's at."

- Lincoln Park

-- Submitted by RO

Diversity

Girl #1: "I'm so sick of watching all these kid shows have the one token retarded kid. What is that about?"

Girl #2: "They have to have one. Kind of like the one Asian kid."

Girl #1: "At least the Asian kid can dance. The slow kid just kind of stands there, shuffling his feet, wondering what the hell is going on."

Girl #2: "And getting paid handsomely for it."

- Loyola

-- Submitted by ReAnn

Poetic.

Guy: "Most people say my hands are massive. I prefer grotesquely big."

- Orange Line

-- Submitted by Telly

Not high tech enough.

Guy: "No. You're going to get some pistachio pudding mix and some Skinny Cow ice cream."

Girl: "I'm not getting the pudding. I can't cook at my place."

Guy: "What do you have to cook? Get instant pudding."

Girl: "I don't have a blender!"

Guy: "A blender?! What the hell are you talking about? You need a bowl, some milk, and your finger."

Girl: "I don't have a bowl."

Guy: "How is it that you have an R2D2, but not a god damn bowl?!"

- Lakeview

-- Submitted by Dizzy

Maybe you shouldn't live with him

Girl: (on cell) "So you are going to live with him for three weeks? Your vagina is going to bleed so much!"

- Northwestern

-- Submitted by Skuggo

Maybe you shouldn't live with him

Girl: (on cell) "So you are going to live with him for three weeks? Your vagina is going to bleed so much!"

- Northwestern

-- Submitted by Skuggo

Ba dum, chhh.

Airline Passenger: "I'm on a flight to london and I would like to be upgraded to business class. I just had surgery and I need to give myself an enema. I have a doctors note."

Ticket Agent: "Our airline is pretty anal about giving free upgrades."

- O'Hare

-- Submitted by Sheri

That's illegal in, like, 42 states.

Man: (on cell) "I'm telling you, Aquafina, Evian, Dasani; they have nothing compared to the Brita filter. I mean, I would open the fridge and fuck the filter if I could."

- Randolph and Michigan

-- Submitted by BluXBluShld

It's catchy.

Guy #1: "I can't stop singing the damn Doodle Bops song!"

Guy #2: "Have you tried punching yourself in the nuts?"

- Red Line

-- Submitted by Cluey

Must have been an important event

Woman: (yelling on cellphone) "Lori! LORI! Lori, Lori! Can you hear me? You don't have to make the sno cones tonight! THE SNO CONES! Lori, the sno cones! You don't have to make them tonight! SNO CONES! I am not coming over! My stomach got sick and I'm going to Northwestern. I got sick in the bathroom. I am going to the ER! So we will have the sno cones another time! Okay?!"

- 147 Bus

-- Submitted by Jackie

USA! USA! USA!

Election Judge: "Oh, this is your first time? Did your mom school you on how to vote?"

Mother: "No, I raised my daughter to think for herself!" turns to daughter, "but if you vote republican I will smack you!"

- Elgin Early Voting

-- Submitted by Sara Jo

Sound rationale

Guy #1: "DUDE! Can you wash your dishes?"

Guy #2: "Of course I can. I just don't want to."

Guy #1: "Seriously. They're stinking up the joint."

Guy #2: "If I wash them, it'll force me to eat on them again, and I'm trying to lose weight. Do you want me to be the fattest guy in the suite?"

- Northwestern

-- Submitted by Suitemate

That's quite a trick

Bum: "Excuse me, sirs, I'd like to earn a hot dog. I'm not begging. I'd like to earn a hot dog. I bet you that if you tell me your names I can tell you your daddy's name and the name of his kids."

- Randolph

-- Submitted by Raggle Fraggle

In case of emergency, blow this whistle.

Girl #1: "Sometimes I wish my brain would work faster than my mouth."

Girl #2: "That's easy to do."

Girl #1: "Yeah?"

Girl #2: "Yeah. Just shut the hell up whenever you feel like talking."

- Loyola

-- Submitted by Ramblin' Man

Which holds the insurance card.

Guy: "I'm so tired, I think I may pass out on the drive home."

Girl: "That sounds safe. Why don't you take the train?"

Guy: "If I pass out in my car, insurance covers most everything. If I pass out on the train, I may lose my wallet."

- Chase Building

-- Submitted by Anton

He's important

El recording: "Jarvis is next. In the direction of travel, doors open on the left at Jarvis."

El recording: "Now approaching Jarvis. Doors open on the left at Jarvis."

Little Girl: "Why does everybody keep talkin' 'bout Jarvis for?"

- Red Line

-- Submitted by Erin

Wow. Just. Wow.

Guy #1: "Weekend plan?"

Guy #2: "Wedding?"

Guy #3: "How about a funeral?"

Guy #2: "Why would you go to a funeral?"

Guy #3: "You'd have the same success rate as going to a wedding, except your targets would just be a little more sad. Someone's gotta comfort the ladies."

Guy #1: "I think you've hit an all time low. For humanity."

- Village Tap

-- Submitted by Groove

Hard to get out of this one.

Guy: "Well the suckiest part was that I was dreaming that I got up and went to the bathroom. Next thing I know, I wake up all wet and my wife is wondering why her leg is warm."

- Red Line

-- Submitted by Cowboy

Golly, mister.

Bum: "Hey, you. Yeah, you. The whippersnapper. Spare some change, would ya?"

- Roosevelt and State

-- Submitted by Dave

They'll call you.

Interviewer: "What are your long term goals within the company?"

Interviewee: "I'd like to be sitting in your chair."

Interviewer: "Those are lofty goals. How do you think you'll get here?"

Interviewee: "I don't know. Lots of butt kissing and well-planned blackmail? How did you do it?"

- 333 W. Wacker

-- Submitted by Group Interviewer #2

That's being kind

Professor: "Astrology is the absentminded sister of Astronomy."

- NEIU

-- Submitted by Katie

Rat Steak?

(Class teaching teens to balance a checkbook)

Cheap Professor: "See, just enter the payment amount and subtract. You can practice with my wife's grocery receipt from last week."

Student: "You only spent $40? What do you guys live off of?"

Cheap professor (appalled): "$40!? Gosh. We must have had steak that week."

- CCC

-- Submitted by April

Valid conclusion

Girl: "If I ever see that dog again, I'm going to punt it. It always just sits there, growling and frothing at the mouth. I love animals and all, but if that dog thinks he's getting into my pants, he's got another thing coming."

- Viand

-- Submitted by Alex

Or directions to the mental hospital.

Guy #1: "STOP!"

Guy #2: "What? What's wrong?"

Guy #1: "You almost stepped on that paper. What if there was something important on there like a treasure map or a brief look into the future?"

- Indiana and Roosevelt

-- Submitted by Red

Are you staying in rooms of gold?

Guy: "I don't want to be rich, I just want to have enough money to travel around the world for the rest of my life."

Girl: "How much do you think you'll need?"

Guy: "About 2 millions dollars."

- Salt and Pepper Diner

-- Submitted by Sickly

At least it isn't his fault.

Guy: "What's going on?"

Girl: "Fuck off."

Guy: "PMS, eh?"

Girl: "Yeah. PMS, dipshit. Nevermind the fact that you're a total asshole. I can't be mad at you without my body getting ready for my vagina to bleed."

- Loyola

-- Submitted by Tres

Eating?

Drunk Guy #1: "All I'm saying is that the anus is not a forgiving hole, it should not be forced. That's not what it's meant for."

Drunk Guy #2: "Yeah... but.."

Drunk Guy #1: "But the mouth, now that is a hole that was designed for it."

- Hamilton's Bar

-- Submitted by Apeface

Slow down, Batman.

Guy #1: "I say we sue them."

Guy #2: "Forget it. Just let it die."

Guy #1: "No. We're going to sue them. This is horseshit."

Guy #2: "It's a freaking french fry. Leave it alone."

Guy #1: "IT'S GREEN! This is obvioulsy an attempt to poison us. I'm going to take this down to the lab right now!"

- McDonald's on State

-- Submitted by Christopher

Seems normal, right?

Girl: "How nourishing is blood?"

Guy: "If you drink it?"

Girl: "As opposed to?"

Guy: "As opposed to nothing. What the hell kind of question is that?"

Girl: "I'm not going to start murdering people or anything. I was just thinking about some random stuff."

- Loyola

-- Submitted by Potato Sack

Uhm. Did you know you were at Excalibur?

Girl #1: "I'm not going back in there."

Girl #2: "Yes you are."

Girl #1: "No, I'm not. The guys keep leering at me."

Girl #2: "Isn't that why we go out in the first place?"

Girl #1: "No. This isn't the 'Cocktease Club.' I just want to hang out, look sexy, and enjoy my night. I DID NOT want to be a piece of meat."

- Outside Excalibur

-- Submitted by Jenny

I think there's a simple explanation...

Guy: (on cell) "Why is it everytime you go out, you end up wondering why you have an STD?"

- Orange Line

-- Submitted by Quan

That's not going to help in everyday conversation

Girl #1: "...so teach me something."

Girl #2: "No. I hate when people ask me to teach things."

Girl #1: "Come on, just one thing."

Girl #2: (says something in her language)

Girl #1: "What does that mean?"

Girl #2: "1,2,3,4, suck my dick."

- UIC Dorms

-- Submitted by Blare

Let his people go!

Father: "David! come back to ancient Egypt!"

- Field Museum

-- Submitted by AJ

I find duct tape does the trick.

Woman: "My back really hurts."

Man: "I'm sorry, hon. We'll go to the doctor this afternoon."

Woman: "You said that this morning! Why can't we just go now! My back really, really, really hurts."

Man: "Not enough to shut you up, though, huh?"

- Grant Park

-- Submitted by Cabbie John

This is the stupidest saying in Chicago.

Guy #1: "It's cold, man."

Guy #2: "Yeah, it's super cold. But it's Chicago. If you wait five minutes, the weather will change."

Guy #1: "Really, dumbass? Because 5 minutes ago it was fucking cold, too. I'll bet you a million dollars that in 5 more minutes, it'll still be fucking freezing."

Guy #2: "I was just sayin' is all."

- Red Line

-- Submitted by Carlos

Or annoyingly laugh until you punch him in his stupid face.

Guy#1 "Hey look, its a Pee Wee Herman Doll!"

Guy #2 "Maybe if you pull the string he'll jerk himself off."

- Northwestern University

-- Submitted by The Italian Pirate

It's kind of like buffalo wings.

Woman: "Hot sauce on bread? We ain't that poor!"

- Metra North Central Line

-- Submitted by Trying to Nap Unsuccessfully

Yeah, lady. It's a real life crisis.

Woman: "Where are your cross-country skis? I only see downhill."

Employee: "Oh, we don't have cross country this year, we opened too late to have them, but we will next year. Our other stores have them."

Woman: "You should be ashamed of yourselves."

Employee: "I'm sorry."

Woman: "Well, that doesn't help my five year old."

- REI, Schaumburg

-- Submitted by Shamed and Abused

But it doesn't make your tip go down.

Girl #1: "That's horrible."

Flamboyant waiter: "Oh my god! Is something wrong with your drink?"

Girl #1: "No, it's fine."

Girl #2: "She was just saying that I'm horrible."

Waiter: "Well that's not very nice either."

- Cheesecake Factory

-- Submitted by Maria

But it doesn't make your tip go down.

Girl #1: "That's horrible."

Flamboyant waiter: "Oh my god! Is something wrong with your drink?"

Girl #1: "No, it's fine."

Girl #2: "She was just saying that I'm horrible."

Waiter: "Well that's not very nice either."

- Cheesecake Factory

-- Submitted by Maria

It's all about goals, ladies, and cheese is a lofty one.

Woman #1: "I know he's hot, but he sells cheese for a living. I just broke up with a guy in a band who works in a coffee shop. I'm thinking I need to set my sights higher this time."

Woman #2: "Life time supply of gouda, that's all I'm saying."

Woman #1: "Cheese. Jesus, why can't a guy in a suit fall in love with me?"

- Red Line

-- Submitted by Lauren

Happy New Year!

Have a happy new year, everyone! And please celebrate safely.

-- Z

Happy New Year!

Have a happy new year, everyone! And please celebrate safely.

-- Z