America: Becoming monosylabbic one idiot at a time.

Girl: (on cell) "It was horrible! I was bleeding profusely! There was blood everywhere! And...Profuse. That means without ceasing. Ugh! Jessica, cease means stop! I know! I just didn't think profuse was a big word! I'm sorry!"

-hangs up-

Girl: "That's what you get for watching The Hills all the motherfucking time."

- Red Line

-- Submitted by Samantha

It's not the meat, it's the dander. And it cooks off.

Guy: "So, I hope you're not allergic to anything."

Girl: "Not food. Just cats."

Guy: "Well this IS Thai food."

- Cozy Noodle, Evanston

-- Submitted by Asian Guy Sitting Next To Them

It's not the clothes that make the man.

Bus Rider: (on cell) "Here is the deal: Dad's gonna want you to make an appearance at this party tonight. But listen. Wear a suit and leave the dress at home! He's not ready for the world to know his only son is a queen."

- Oak Park Bus Stop

-- Submitted by Gabi

40? It takes me like, a million.

Guy #1: "Dude. I'm so wasted."

Guy #2: "It's six o'clock."

Guy #1: "I know. I've done like 40 shots already."

Guy #2: "We got here ten minutes ago. And 40 shots in ten minutes would probably kill the average man."

Guy #1: "That should tell you how blitzed I am."

- Northern Illinois

-- Submitted by Newbie

Forget football. Debate is where it's at.

Guy #1: "We are going to ROCK debate this year."

Guy #2: "Hell, yeah we are. It's going to be an ad hominem attack year. SENIORS! SENIORS!"

- Oak Park River Forest High School

-- Submitted by Ragu

Too practical.

Guy: "Did you guys get the water tester for baby baths?"

Girl: "Yeah."

Guy: "Isn't that the best invention ever? You stick it in the water for a second and it tells you whether the water is too hot or just right for baby's bath!"

Girl: "We threw ours away."

Guy: "What?!?"

Girl: "I have a better invention that does the same job. It's called my finger."

- Blue Line

-- Submitted by Maria

Killing is bad, mmkay.

Guy #1: (on cell) "Yeah, dipshit. Mr. Mackey is a great voice to use when discussing a murder-suicide. "

- Green Line

-- Submitted by Javy

And drugs, right? Right?!

Frat boy 1: "Man, this is seriously JUST what it must've been like during Woodstock."

Frat boy 2: "Yeah, but this time it's without all the dirty hippies."

- Lollapalooza

-- Submitted by Stacy

It would be dolf.

Guy #1: "I'm bored. Let's go play some frisbee golf."

Guy #2: "It's called disc golf. Frisbee is a company."

Guy #1: "Who cares? Besides, if you call it disc golf, than you can't shorten it to 'frolf.'"

- Loyola

-- Submitted by Ramblin' Man

Shocking. Usually it's fun. Wait. What?

Girl: (on cell) "Playing with dead babies and fetuses was not as fun as I had originally foreseen it."

- UIC Campus

-- Submitted by Donuts

Easily confusable since they look alike.

Girl: (on cell) "I'm in a taxi. I mean I'm on the train."

- Red Line

-- Submitted by Ivan

That way she can't yell at you.

Guy #1: "I got this girl's number on the bus the other day, called her up. I was tryin' to thinkuva a way to say, 'I'd eat your pussy for an hour if you came over.'"

Guy #2: "Text her."

- Red Line

-- Submitted by Priceless

That way she can't yell at you.

Guy #1: "I got this girl's number on the bus the other day, called her up. I was tryin' to thinkuva a way to say, 'I'd eat your pussy for an hour if you came over.'"

Guy #2: "Text her."

- Red Line

-- Submitted by Priceless

30 times a day? Can I marry her?

Trixie: (on cell "OK, look. First off this guy is GOING to marry you. I don't care if you sleep with him 30 times a day or not. You're the hottest thing he's gonna get."

- Barnes and Noble Cafe, Michigan Ave.

-- Submitted by I Just Wanted Some Sugar For My Coffee

I'm mailing this one in.

Lesbian: "Can we go to the post office and fuck?"

- Broadway

-- Submitted by Uptown Spy

They're the new cat.

(Man tries to pet dog)

Woman: "You probably shouldn't do that. She bites."

Man: "I'm sure I'll be fine. I'm used to wolves."

- Halsted and Buckingham

-- Submitted by Cassie

Nyse werc.

Drunk guy: "These guys couldn't spell 'cat' if you spotted them the 'k' and the 't!'"

- Purple Line

-- Submitted by Matt

You should have planned ahead.

Guy #1: "...so can you help me?"

Guy #2: "Yeah. But what do we have to do?"

Guy #1: "We just need to build the whole room. I have to get the cabinets and tops and everything."

Guy #2: "You should get those things first, then I'll help."

Guy #1: "I don't know what I'm doing. I just wanted to break everything. The sledge hammering part was easy. Now? Now I'm lost."

- Cafe Sushi on Wells

-- Submitted by Willie

How about we start with "a human?"

Flamboyant man to goth woman with purple hair: "Are you a feminist?"

- Metra North

-- Submitted by Robin

Could someone please annihilate young America?

Tween girl: "Do you think they get the Disney Channel in India? Because I couldn't live somewhere that didn't show Hannah Montana."

- Broadway and Webster

-- Submitted by Annoyed at Youth

That won't get her publicity.

Girl 1: "On the radio this morning, they said that Angeline Jolie is in town for the next couple weeks."

Girl 2: "Seriously? That's so cool. I wonder if she wants to adopt a nice 18 year old. If so, I'm free."

- Lakeview Bus Stop

-- Submitted by Maria

So you didn't like Batman Begins?

Guy #1: "...and all the filming made getting to work nearly impossible. I'm bat-pissed off."

Guy #2: "It wasn't too bad and they weren't really doing anything during rush hour. I didn't have any problems."

Guy #1: "That's bat-crap. It was bat-awful. If they keep it up, I'm going to punch their bat-faces with my bat-fists. That'll bat-teach 'em."

- Wacker and Wabash

-- Submitted by Frankie

Yup. A lobotomy.

Guy #1: "I think I'm devoid of feelings. Like, completely stunted."

Guy #2: "How do you figure? I've seen you laugh and stuff."

Guy #1: "But they aren't real, guttural laughs. They're more, I don't know, fake."

Guy #2: "So you don't have any emotions?"

Guy #1: "No. Like, my aunt dies, and I don't care. My girlfriend breaks up with me, I don't feel anything. I get a new job, nothing. It's like someone reached into my brain and took that part out of me."

Guy #2: "Like a lobotomy?"

Guy #1: "No. Into my brain."

- Panera, Old Orchard

-- Submitted by Sandwich

It makes the Middle East look like a cake walk.

Girl: (on cell) "No, this was a crisis of epic proportion. He kept talking about salsa and I kept talking about merengue. If we can't choose which one we're going to do, we may have to break the whole thing off."

- Michigan Ave.

-- Submitted by The Walker

She's selfish.

Guy: (on cell) "I think she should do porn, but she's vehemently against it. We could definitely use the money."

- Red Line

-- Submitted by Carlos

Then it wouldn't need to be too big.

Guy: (on cell) "I just need a carnivourous plant. No, bigger than that. Like in 'Little Shop of Horrors.' Right, except instead of eating everyone, it just ate assholes."

- Blue Line

-- Submitted by Cindy

Who wants a steak and peanut butter smoothie?

Girl #1: "If I was going to give someone all the food in my fridge that I didnt want to have it, I would put all the food in a blender and give it to them in a big thermos."

Girl #2: "Yeah, but you'd have to have them sign something, because they could easily just go back on it and then you would have just blended all the food in your fridge."

- Downtown

-- Submitted by Listening

How crude!

Girl: "...the only problem is that it didn't have a dick!"

Guy: "You know I don't approve of such language. I would definitely prefer if you called it a johnson or a shmeckel."

- UIC Campus

-- Submitted by Sparky

Tough call.

(Wheelchair Guy is blocking a couple of the handicapped seats.)

Elderly Woman: "Driver, that's not fair! These seats are being blocked! I'm 80! We should get them."

Guy in Wheelchair: "Yeah and I'm a paraplegic and and war veteran. Your legs work fine. Who trumps who?"

- 92 Foster Bus

-- Submitted by Kat

Posting makes the, uh, mosting.

Suit: (on cell) "Yeah. Uh huh. Right. No, I agree. I thought Lawrence was on that one. Yeah. Right. I completely agree and I think the thing to keep in mind is that teamwork makes the dream work"

- Red Line, Thorndale

-- Submitted by Chris Couch

The old "I don't remember talkinga bout that" routine.

Girl: (on cell) "Within five or ten minutes of our sort of pseudo first date, we realized that at least 3 of our conversation topics, which I had brought up mind you, we had spoken about in depth when we first met, I had blacked out them all. I had to apologize for being such a drunk."

- Ashland and Grand

-- Submitted by Just Waiting For The Bus

Sounds dangerous.

Man: "I'm not gonna go as crazy tomorrow as I did today;I'm gonna go twice as crazy!"

- Red Line

-- Submitted by Nah Nah

IT'S A GIRL!

Sorry about the lack of posting today, but we were in the middle of having our second daughter. At 1:06, we had another little girl! YAY!

Woman: Making life easier, one man at a time.

Woman: "I'm hungry."

Man: "Then eat something."

Woman: "I don't feel like eating."

Man: "So don't eat."

Woman: "But I'm hungry!"

Man: "What the hell do you want me to do? Get you a feeding tube? Do you now want to eat or are you just too damn lazy to chew?!"

- Randolph and Clark

-- Submitted by Jeannie

The kid is going to be quite the negotiator.

Mom: "If you behave at the restaurant, than you get a treat when we get home."

Kid: "Ice cream?"

Mom: "No."

Kid: "Popsicle?"

Mom: "No."

Kid: "Then I'm not behaving."

- Catch 35

- Submitted by Waiter

Try your spam folder.

Guy: "My doctor said I can't get it because I don't need it, but I really feel like it would help. I'm pretty sure Viagra would work, I just don't know where to get it now."

- Midway Airport

-- Submitted by 22

You may get fired first.

Guy #1: "I just need to figure out a way to quit."

Guy #2: "How about going to your boss's office and telling him, 'I'm quitting' or 'I'm giving notice?'

Guy #1: "No. That wouldn't be good."

Guy #2: "But it would be right."

Guy #1: "I'd rather get on the PA and say something like, 'This is John. This job can go to hell. Suck my balls. That is all.'"

- Michigan Ave.

-- Submitted by Laird

I hate trick questions.

Guy: "Want to go fuck in the park?"

Girl: "No."

Guy: "Oh, you're repressed."

Girl: "You can't shame me into having sex with you in the park."

Guy: "That's okay, I just thought you were fun, and it turns out you're not."

Girl: "That only works on insecure girls. Do I look insecure to you?"

- Oz Park

-- Submitted by Two Steps Behind

I hate trick questions.

Guy: "Want to go fuck in the park?"

Girl: "No."

Guy: "Oh, you're repressed."

Girl: "You can't shame me into having sex with you in the park."

Guy: "That's okay, I just thought you were fun, and it turns out you're not."

Girl: "That only works on insecure girls. Do I look insecure to you?"

- Oz Park

-- Submitted by Two Steps Behind

Sounds delish.

Girl: (on cell) "...so I told him that green beans can go in casseroles or soups, but definitely not cookies."

- Red Line

-- Submitted by Gio

Sounds messy.

Guy #1: "So are you playing fantasy football this year or not?"

Guy #2: "The only football fantasy I have involves me, three cheerleaders, some whip cream, chocolate, and a slide."

- Lincoln Park

-- Submitted by Alfalfa

It's the truth.

Man: "Excuse me. When does the train arrive?"

Smartass: "When you see it coming down the track."

- Howard Street Platform

-- Submitted by Randy C.

That doesn't sound fun.

Man: "There's definitely a couple things you should do down there. Parasailing, parachuting, para..."

Woman: "If you say paralyzing, I'm going to freak out."

- Grant Park

-- Submitted by Kevin

Someone can't take a hint.

Guy: "So can I get your number?"

Girl: "No."

Guy: "Can I at least get your name?"

Girl: "No."

Guy: "Well, can I meet you here again?"

Girl: "Sure."

Guy: "When?"

Girl: "How does never sound?"

- Excalibur

-- Submitted by Dancin' Fool

Thanks, BP.

Woman: "But the beaches around LA are pretty aren't they?"

Guy: "God, no! I'd rather swim in Lake Michigan with my mouth open than go to an LA beach!"

- Lincoln Park hair salon

-- Submitted by apeface

Thanks, BP.

Woman: "But the beaches around LA are pretty aren't they?"

Guy: "God, no! I'd rather swim in Lake Michigan with my mouth open than go to an LA beach!"

- Lincoln Park hair salon

-- Submitted by apeface

The First Amendment doesn't cover laziness.

Office Guy #1: "...They can't make me clean it. My desk is the way I like it and I'm not changing it."

Office Guy #2: "What's the big deal? You put some papers in folders, put your trinkets on one shelf, and actually see the desktop."

Office Guy #1: "My desk status is covered by the First Amendment. It's a personal expression of art which displays my frustration with the daily rat race as well as my passion for what I do. I'm going to make a stand!"

- CNA Building

-- Submitted by Han

That's the highest kind of cool, right?

Little British Boy: "Dad, I feel so cool when I'm in America."

British Dad: "Do you know, lad?"

Little Britsh Boy: "Yeah, cool as in like, a dude."

- O'hare International Terminal

-- Submitted by Made My Day

Overheard at the Cat Convention

Girl #1:"I wonder where Christy's been the past few days."

Girl #2:"The bitch convention."

Girl #1:"She's probably the keynote speaker."

- In the City

-- Submitted by Christy is such a bitch

So much for charitable donations.

Bum: "Can I please have money for some food mister?"

Guy: "Uh. You're just going to buy booze with it."

Bum: "No sir, I just want a hotdog. I'm hungry and need money to buy a hotdog."

Guy: "Here, but if you come out with anything besides a hot dog, I'm going to beat the crap outta you!"

- 7-11 by Univesrity Center

-- Submitted by Scrawny Guy's Friend

Sage advice.

Girl: "...and I'm just so worried about saying the wrong thing, I'm getting sick in my stomach."

Guy: "Don't worry about your stomach ailment, worry about not being such an uppity bitch. Do that, and you'll be fine."

- O'hare Airport

-- Submitted by Claude

Optional, unless you're going commando.

Girl: "So you're meeting him next week?"

Guy: "Yeah. At 12:30."

Girl: "You know, you don't have to dress up him for him."

Guy: "Dress up? He's lucky I'm considering pants."

- Green Line

-- Submitted by Leper

Optional, unless you're going commando.

Girl: "So you're meeting him next week?"

Guy: "Yeah. At 12:30."

Girl: "You know, you don't have to dress up for him."

Guy: "Dress up? He's lucky that I'm considering pants."

- Green Line

-- Submitted by Leper

White people: We aren't always "hip."

Exec: "So, Snoop Doggy Dogg. He is a rapper?"

Office drone: "Uh, yeah. But I think he might have changed his name to just Snoop Dogg."

Exec: "Ah, yes. Like that P Dad man. Now he is what, 50 cents?"

Office drone: "P Diddy. And he's not the same guy as 50 Cent. It's Cent, by the way, no 's.'"

Exec: "Oh. Half dollar then?"

Office drone: "No, no. 50 Cent."

Exec: "Yes, half a dollar. And what is this, Cayenne West? "

Office drone: "I think so. Like the Porsche."

Receptionist: "Uh, excuse me. That's Kanye. His gold diggers like Porsches though."

- Fancy Loop Office (La Dee Daaa)

-- Submitted by Miss Risky

White people: We aren't always "hip."

Exec: "So, Snoop Doggy Dogg. He is a rapper?"

Office drone: "Uh, yeah. But I think he might have changed his name to just Snoop Dogg."

Exec: "Ah, yes. Like that P Dad man. Now he is what, 50 cents?"

Office drone: "P Diddy. And he's not the same guy as 50 Cent. It's Cent, by the way, no 's.'"

Exec: "Oh. Half dollar then?"

Office drone: "No, no. 50 Cent."

Exec: "Yes, half a dollar. And what is this, Cayenne West? "

Office drone: "I think so. Like the Porsche."

Receptionist: "Uh, excuse me. That's Kanye. His gold diggers like Porsches though."

- Fancy Loop Office (La Dee Daaa)

-- Submitted by Miss Risky

That's not the body part you should be worrying about.

Girl: "Sometimes I just like rediscovering my hands. Like, 'Hey, there, fingers! How are you doing today!' and they're all like, 'We're still here, Liz. Just doin' our thing.'"

Guy: "Uh. Yeah. Are you for real?"

Girl: "Yeah. It's like, sometimes, I just forget that they're there. Like, oh my god! I have hands! I swear it's like half the time, I don't have hands."

- Loyola Campus

-- Submitted by Ramblin' Man

You're Al-Qaeding me!

Guy: (on cell) "That's Talibananas crazy!"

- Purple Line

-- Submitted by Reno

It's still better than "know what I'm saying."

Girl: (on cell) "Hey, I'm on the train. I mean, I need to go get my car. I mean, I need to change clothes anyway. I mean, how long do you plan on staying there tonight? I mean, I don't want to get stuck there. I mean, I still need to pack tonight so I need to know what you're doing. I just want to know what the plan is, you know what I mean?"

- Red Line

-- Submitted by Have No Idea What She Meant

Sounds like you had a stellar time.

Guy: "...and if there is one thing I learned from the entire trip, it's that birds are absolutely retarded."

- O'Hare Airport

-- Submitted by Frequent Flier

We don't want them to get cranky.

Woman waiting for the elevator: "Excuse me. Is there something wrong with the elevators? They're not coming."

Security Guard: "They 80 years old. They tired. They go up there 'n take a nap."

- Civic Opera Building

-- Submitted by Patiently Waiting

That'll screw up his accounting.

Homeless Guy: "I'm selling candy bars for a dollar! You want a candy bar, miss? It's only a dollar. Only a dollar. Buy a candy bar come on. Only a dollar. Buy a candy bar."

Girl: "Oh my god. How about I just GIVE you a dollar to leave me alone?!"

- Boystown

-- Submitted by April

That's very not very decisive.

Guy #1: "So is it doable?"

Guy #2: "If by doable you mean not doable, then yes. It's doable."

- Loop Office

-- Submitted by Sheep

Someone is paranoid.

Guy: (on cell) "Is she back at work today or is she still out sick? In the office with you? Is she healthy? She better be. No. If the baby comes out retarded or something because you caught her cold, I'm holder her responsible."

- Purple Line

-- Submitted by Gumby

Opressor.

Guy: "I'm so not emo!"

Girl: "Whenever you get angry, you're so emo!"

Guy: "No one calls me emo."

Girl: "EVERYONE calls you emo-boy behind your back."

- Pitchfork Music Festival

-- Submitted by Mark

Yowzas.

Woman: (on cell) "...MY GOD she makes me so MAD! I'm going to strangle her face!"

- Metra Milwaukee District North

-- Submitted by Misty

Sounds cute.

Guy #1: "I'm going to finish the White Sox bullpen myself."

Guy #2: "Too late. They're already done."

Guy #1: "Why can't they hold a lead? How many runs does the offense have to score? 60? 70? HOLD A DAMN LEAD ASSHOLES!"

Guy #2: "With this bullpen, it may not be enough. We might just have to make every time forfeit."

Guy #1: "Through tickling."

- Buffalo Wild Wings, Lincoln Ave.

-- Submitted by Tom

So why aren't they beautiful when produced by males?

Girl: "Stars are so beautiful."

Guy: "For big flaming balls of gas, I guess."

- Millenium Park

-- Submitted by Queenee

Yeah. It's that new place, Burger KKKing.

Guy: "...it's more of a restaurant for people with discriminating taste."

Girl: "It's for racists?"

- Ohio and Ada

-- Submitted by Junior

Is it chat stew? So meaty!

Guy: "I feel like a squirrel. In a log cabin. In the desert. With a stew going. AND I'M THE STEW!"

- Waveland and Clark

-- Submitted by Tim

Broken wrist.

Woman: (on cell) "I can't even give high FIVES anymore!"

- Wood and Division

-- Submitted by Muffs

Broken wrist.

Woman: (on cell) "I can't even give high FIVES anymore!"

- Wood and Division

-- Submitted by Muffs

The man likes tall grass.

Man: (on cell) "If you mow your lawn again, I'm coming out and destroying you."

- Green Line

-- Submitted by Leonardo

Someone really wanted that chair.

Pregnant Woman: "Excuse me, can I use this chair?"

Fat Woman: "No. It's taken."

Pregnant Woman: "But it only has a pair of shoes on it."

Fat Woman: "I'm sorry. It's taken?"

Pregnant Woman's Husband: "Taken? Who needs it more: the shoes or your fat haunches? Bitch."

- Skokie Water Playground

-- Submitted by Slim

Thank God.

Train-goer: "You don't have to suck up to Jesus to get him to like you."

- Red Line

-- Submitted by Toast

It's true. We are.

Guy: (on phone) "You know, Chicago is WAY under-prepared for a zombie attack."

- #36 Broadway Bus

-- Submitted by Marriane

I bet he wears wife beaters at home.

Guy #1: "You should get a tattoo."

Older Woman: "NO! No tattoos. They're gross."

Guy #2: "Aw, come on. They're cool. You can get one right on your lower back."

Guy #3: "Hey, asshole. My mom isn't getting a whore brand and if you mention it again, I'm going to destroy you."

Guy #2: "It's not a whore brand. It's the new style."

Guy #3: "Yeah. That's what my mom needs: A style tip from a dude with a mullet AND a rat's tail on his head."

- South Side Shop

-- Submitted by Larry

You no brain.

Girl #1: "Menomonee? How do you pronouce that? Me no money street?"

Girl #2: "Oh my god, it is me no money street! That is so funny quick take a picture."

Random Guy: "It is Me-nom-o-nee Street, not me no money!"

- Menomonee Street, Lincoln Park

-- Submitted by The Boxman

So you don't want to breathe?

Boss: (on phone) "...and when I say I'm wasting my breath, I mean I'm not talking."

- Loop Office

-- Submitted by Underling

Honey!!! We're going to need more cats!

Inspector: "If you want more power, we are going to have to hook your cat up to a wheel."

- Wilmette

-- Submitted by Erika

Must be color blind.

Girl #1: (wearing blue sweater and black pants) "Uhm, I have a question. (pointing to sweater) Is this black or blue?"

Girl #2: "Blue."

Girl #1: "Oh, what the fuck! "

- Daley Center

- Submitted by Ray

This kid is going to grow up completely normal. Really.

Dad: "Do you know why they call it Home Depot?"

Kid: "Why?"

Dad: "Because it's where they deposit bad kids that misbehave at home."

- Home Depot, North Avenue

-- Submitted by LPChad

Male Friends: Always boosting your self esteem.

Guy #1: "So two weeks, huh?"

Guy #2: "Yup. Two weeks until this life is over."

Guy #3: "What?! You're getting married, you're not committing suicide."

Guy #2: "Yeah. But we can't do this. We can't just go out and hang. I'll have responsibilities."

Guy #1: "No. We'll hang. You tell that woman that we're going to hang when we want to and there's nothing she can do about it."

Guy #2: "See. This is why you're single and wish that you could hold on to somebody for more than a week."

Guy #3: "Forget a week. He can't hold on to someone after he takes his pants off. They all just start laughing and have to leave the room."

Guy #2: "And that's after he gets them drunk enough to take them back to his place."

Guy #3: "Or a bathroom."

- Kincade's

-- Submitted by Prime

High Standards

Girl: (on cell) "And who does he think he is? We go on one date and he thinks I'm just going to throw it all out there, like I owe him something? Exactly. No one gets in my pants until AT LEAST date number two. And don't even think it's going to be fun."

- Purple line platform, Howard

-- Submitted by 53

Because he makes you feel smarter.

Guy #1: "We should, like, sue all the lawyers for having built this stuff."

Guy #2: Sue. The lawyers. For having built. Lawyers don't BUILD stuff! Dude! Sometimes I wonder why I know you."

- Evanston fireworks show

-- Submitted by Bwuh?

I've waited 25 years for this movie.

Guy #1: "TRANSFOMERS!!!!!!!!!!!!"

Guy #2: "That was the best movie ever made by man. Ever. I put it right up there past Braveheart and the original Star Wars."

Guy #1: "The only thing that matches it's awesomeness was Transfomers: The Movie. Rarely can you beat the cartoon classic."

Guy #2: "Especially with today's cartoons. I mean, Bratz? Can someone explain that abortion to me? What happened to Jem?"

- Webster Place

-- Submitted by Frankie

Happy Birthday, indeed.

Woman: (on cell) "He called me up, said 'Happy birthday,' and then told me the dog died. What a wonderful day it was."

- Red Line

-- Submitted by Genevieve

Macy's: A bastion of high class.

Woman: (on cell) "He didn't let you buy it?! I would have strung him up flag pole. Fucking strung. Him. Up. A. Flag. Pole."

- Macy's

-- Submitted by Shopper

Nice save, officer.

Chicago Police Officer: (on Loudspeaker) "We would like to remind everyone that bottles and alchoholic beverages are not allowed in the park for tonight's 4th of July festivities. (pause) Actually they are never allowed for that matter."

- Lincoln Park

-- Submitted by BC

That information would have been helpful five minutes ago.

Girl: "Colin! Don't flush!"

Guy: "What? It's a little late for that."

Girl: "What! You can't flush because the toilet's broken."

Guy: "Oh shit. This is about to be the most embarrassing night of my life!"

- Lakeview Apartments

-- Submitted by Kiki

Email me. Let's get together.

Girl: "I can't go."

Guy: "Come on. It's our last hurrah."

Girl: "No. Whenever I go to those parties I get myself in trouble. Everything I do is either illegal, immoral, or plain whorelike."

- University of Chicago

-- Submitted by Danny

Maybe he's a mutant.

Girl: "She has to guess how many months have 31 days."

Guy: (counting knuckles) "It's eight."

Girl: "No, it's seven."

Guy: (counting knuckles again) "No. It's eight. January, March, May, July, August, October, December. Five knuckles plus three knuckles is eight."

Girl: "Yeah, that's great. Except you only have four knuckles on your hand, dumbass."

- Skokie

-- Submitted by Power

That's some fatty water.

Girl: "You want dessert?"

Guy #1: "I do."

Guy #2: "I don't."

Girl: "Why not? They have some good stuff."

Guy #2: "Why not? Because I don't want to gain the weight, that's why."

Guy #1: "Whatever. We'll share some cake or something."

Guy #2: "No. You two don't understand. You can eat cake, cookies, ice cream, and pie and lose 3 pounds today. I'll look at a glass of water and need to go up a pant size."

- Bennigan's on Michigan Ave.

-- Submitted by Terrence

They're better than Al Qaeda Dancers.

Guy: "Nothing says 'We're celebrating the independence of America' like Bolivian dancers."

- Morton Grove Fourth of July Parade

-- Submitted by Clarisse

What kind of performance was this?!

Girl: "It happened last year. We were putting on Peter and the Wolf first quarter and this kid came up on stage. I asked if he wanted to touch it, and then he put his mouth over my mouth. I was like, 'No, no. Not a good idea.'"

- Northwestern University

-- Submitted by Ivan

What kind of performance was this?!

Girl: "It happened last year. We were putting on Peter and the Wolf first quarter and this kid came up on stage. I asked if he wanted to touch it, and then he put his mouth over my mouth. I was like, 'No, no. Not a good idea.'"

- Northwestern University

-- Submitted by Ivan

Nursing Home by Dolce and Gabana

Teen Girl: "So old people buy that and spray it on themselves? I thought that smell was just natural."

- Brown Line

-- Submitted by Corey

Back on Thursday

Happy Fourth of July!

And remember kids: Don't eat firecrackers.

Quite an aspiration.

Guy #1: "I need to get out of this town."

Guy #2: "Where do you want to go?"

Guy #1: "Somewhere bigger with more people and places. Chicago is getting stale."

Guy #2: "That would require money."

Guy #1: "Not when you aspire to be a transient."

- Green Line

-- Submitted by Yen

It's not stealing when you're stuffing it in their clothes.

Drunk Guy #1: "I think we need to go home."

Drunk Guy #2: "I think we need to see boobs."

Drunk Guy #1: "No. I'm tired of seeing them. Everytime we see them, we have problems."

Drunk Guy #2: "Only because you always try to touch."

Drunk Guy #1: "Only because they always steal my money."

- Barleycorn, Wrigleyville

-- Submitted by Jermain

And rightly so.

Guy: (on phone) "I need it shipped next day air. Yeah. No. I need it tomorrow. Yes. Next day air. No. NEXT. DAY. Why is this so hard to understand? If you can't get it to me next day, why do you have next day air? Then it's not next day air. IT DOESN'T MATTER WHEN YOU MANUFACTURE THE THING! If you can't ship it today and have it to me by tomorrow it's not next day! No, I will not calm down. I hate you very much right now."

- Aon Building

-- Submitted by Rita