Where the whole family can enjoy a meal. And then get the hell out.

Guy: "Next!"

Girl: "I'd like a soup/sandwich combo."

Guy: "Which soup do you want?"

Girl: "Which soups do you have?"

Guy: "See that big ass board behind me with all of our items? You may want to read it before you waste my time. NEXT!"

Girl: "It's like you're the real Soup Nazi."

Guy: "No. That turd's got nothing on me. Now go to Taco Bell. They like fat chicks there."

- North Suburbs, Restaurant Chain Redacted

-- Submitted by Yikes

I'm willing to challenge this theory.

Girl: "Ok, so the point is: rats have fur, and furriers can make any fur look like gold."

- Michigan Ave, near the Tribune building

-- Submitted by Midori

I guess money DOESN'T buy everything

Guy: "White dudes, they wear whack shoes, whack clothes. I see them, they're wearing ratty-ass shirts, ratty ass pants; but they get money, so it don't matter. White people got whack hygiene in general; but they get money, so it don't matter!"

- Damen bus

-- Submitted by A White dude

Being ugly and married, perhaps.

Girl: "I said, 'You're with your wife?' And then he asks me why I didn't congratulate him. For what?"

- Ravenswood

-- Submitted by ecobox

Kids are stupid assholes.

Girl #1: "...and then I saw that bitch walking out of THE GAP!"

Girl #2: "Oh, gross."

Girl #3: "She doesn't deserve life."

- Corner of Oak and Rush

-- Submitted by Matt F.

Plans are for suckers, that's why.

Woman: (on cell) "Why would you go to Minnesota and not have a way to get back?"

- Illinois Center

-- Submitted by Becky

This chick REALLY loves teddy bears.

Girl #1: "...he's finally taking me on a date."

Girl #2: "Where are you guys going?"

Girl #1: "I don't know, but if he takes me to Build-A-Bear, he's definitely going to be getting a BJ."

- Northwestern

-- Submitted by Jen

Next he'll tell you about his bad beat in a 2 cent poker hand.

Guy #1: "Do you know how many fantasy points I lost by not playing their defense?"

Guy #2: "Do you know how many teeth you're going to lose if you keep talking to me about that stupid shit?"

- Aon Building

-- Submitted by Bobby

Someone had a date cancelled.

Guy: "I'm going to start planning events 5 years in advance. That way, people can't tell me that a month wasn't enough of an advanced notice."

- Loyola

-- Submitted by Guy

There are better detergents

Girl: "...and now my underwear smells like Drano."

- Northwestern

-- Submitted by Dale

I'm sure that's her plan.

Guy: (on cell) "And if you see the mail lady, tell her to stop feeding the mail to the dog, would ya?"

- Metra South Shore

-- Submitted by Indy

Wouldn't that be the three of skanks?

Guy: "If you were a suited card, what would you be?"

Girl: "The two of clubs."

Guy: "Why's that?"

Girl: "Because I love going to clubs and love threesomes."

- Speed Dating, North Side

-- Submitted by Woo Hoo

Killing the earth one equation at a time.

Greenpeace Guy: "So, I bet you like forests!"

Woman: "No. I'm a mathematician. I kill trees by the ream."

- Michigan Avenue

-- Submitted by two2blue

Killing the earth one equation at a time.

Greenpeace Guy: "So, I bet you like forests!"

Woman: "No. I'm a mathematician. I kill trees by the ream."

- Michigan Avenue

-- Submitted by two2blue

Any guy will obviously do.

Guy: "Hey, is that chick crying?"

Girl: (crying) "YES! AND IT'S PROBABLY YOUR FAULT ANYWAY!"

- Under the Red Line at Argyle

-- Submitted by Bordello

The first part is heroic. Or very sad.

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

Olympic Sadness: Part 1

Guy #1: "Do you think we'll ever try again?"

Guy #2: "It depends. How much money is left in the 'Daley's Cronies' account?"

- West Loop

-- Submitted by Allison

Olympic Sadness: Part 2

Girl: "In the first round? We should have at least been finalists!"

Guy: "What's the difference when you lose?"

Girl: "Posterity, I guess."

- North Side Office Building

-- Submitted by Jay

Olympic Sadness: Part 3

Guy: "Do you think it's because Rio's hookers are hotter?"

- Daley Center

-- Submitted by Olympic Woeful

One and the same.

Guy #1 (pointing at bus seat): "These seats are bigger."
Guy #2: "No, they're like, a new material. They're different from those plastic ones."
Guy #1: "But I'm saying, they're bigger."
Guy #2: "Oh, are they?"
Guy #1: "Yea. To accommodate all the fat people in Chicago."
Guy #2: "I've been to St. Louis, and I think they have the most fat people anywhere."
Guy #1: "That's because of Jack in the Box and shit."

- #146 Bus

-- Submitted by Diane

Check and mate.

Guy: "Why are girls dumb?"

Girl: "It's not that we're dumb. It's that we have to pander to the lowest common denominator."

Guy: "Who's that?"

- DePaul

-- Submitted by Jeff

7 of them.

Female Employee: "I watched the 2nd Shrek the other night, it was pretty funny!"

Male Employee: "Oh yeah. I heard about that. Don't they have a shorty in that one?"

- North Suburban Home Depot

-- Submitted by Joanna

You're using them on your own mom?

Guy #1: "Yea, I dig her, but she's so not my type."

Guy#2: "What, this one fights back?"

Guy #1: "Yea, I got tired of your mom just laying there."

Guy #2: "Me too, that's why I bought the nip clamps."

- Lawrence Stop

-- Submitted by Ben

Better than burns.

Kid: "Our Aunt. You know the thing that borns your cousin?"

- Boystown iHop

-- Submitted by Sarah

Someone wasn't a good neighbor

Guy: "What do you mean you never watched Mr. Roger's Neighborhood?"
Girl: "Nope never did."
Guy: "Oh my God that's insane! What are you a communist?"
Girl: "No! I grew up watchin MTV not Mr. Roger whatever the fuck."

- Bowman's

-- Submitted by North Center Snoop

Goal 2: Be a self serving bitch.

Woman: "My goal is to travel the world, though, so I don't give a shit."

- Wacker and Michigan

-- Submitted by Katie

(No posts Monday due to Yom Kippur. Back Tuesday.)

Someone check his eyebrows.

Guy: "Hair color? Just put bald! It's never coming back!"

- Chicago Central DMV

-- Submitted byAshley B.

And the pigs are concerned, too.

Girl: "Speaking of which, we've been meaning to talk about you about your bacon consumption. We're worried about your arteries. "

- Roosevelt

-- Submitted by Dwade

What's he moving down there? WHAT?!?!

Woman: "Now, girlfriend. If you feel it happening, and he starts moving it toward your butt, you best stop that, 'cause that ain't gonna go down. It ain't happenin'."

- Red Line at Fullerton

--Submitted by Classy C

He must work for Sprint.

Guy #1: "I've lost four phones in five months."

Guy #2: "Is your ass eating your phones or something?"

Guy #3: "'Boop.' My ass just swallowed your phone."

- Roscoe's Bar, Boystown

-- Submitted by CJ

No stalking = No need for a babysitter

Girl: "So the only reason I stalk you on weekends is cause I miss you and I want to hang out with you. Plus, I need someone to take care of my baby."

- Brown/Purple Line Chicago

-- Submitted by Rohit

A jazz club opened in Michigan once. It was summarily destoryed 10 minutes later. By women.

Guy: "I don't know what to do with this girl tonight."

Girl: "Go to the Chicago Jazz Festival!"

Guy: "She is from Michigan. Michigan girls don't like jazz music."

- Canal & Adams

-- Submitted by Melissa

Just draw them on the old fashioned way!

Woman: (on cell) "They grow really, really quickly don't worry. You'll have your eyebrow back in a few weeks, I promise"

- Panera Bread, Evanston

-- Submitted by Hof-Brau

Just draw them on the old fashioned way!

Woman: (on cell) "They grow really, really quickly don't worry. You'll have your eyebrow back in a few weeks, I promise"

- Panera Bread, Evanston

-- Submitted by Hof-Brau

He's probably right.

Lady: "So I sat at a stop sign for two minutes waiting for it to turn green. My son turned to me and said, 'Mom you have to stop smoking that pot.'"

- Downtown @ a wedding

-- Submitted by Brian

The Berensteins are going to be angry by this revelation.

Guy: "It's a little known fact, in fact i may be the only one to know, but, if you translate The Raven by Edgar Allen Poe to German and then back to English again, you get the entire Berenstein Bears story."

- Foster and Ashland

-- Submitted by Justin

Mr. Rand or Mr. McNally I presume?

Guy: (on cell walking in a large crowd after U2 concert) "You should come meet me, I'm at the corner of the Loop and Buckingham fountain. No, right where the Loop and Buckingham fountain are. Well do you see the Essex Inn sign? I'm right in front of that. Do you see the Willis Tower? Ok, me too! Just keep walking toward the Willis Tower and I'm sure we'll meet up."

- Museum Campus

-- Submitted by Paul

And we're back...

Customer: "Yeah, it's broken. I'm not going to lie, it was on purpose. I was really drunk and really angry. "

- AT&T Store, Chicago Avenue

Submitted by Cristopher

Yes, OIC has lacked updates for a month. I needed a break and was running low on quality submissions. The break is over, I have a bunch of submissions stored up, and the site is going back to its daily updates.

If you want to help out, tell your friends, send people here through twitter and facebook, and, if interested, visit a sponsor or two.

We're going to get crackin' shortly.

And an awesome, emotionally stable mom!

Guy: "I know people say their kids are cute, but mine is drop dead beautiful. She's only nine, but looks fourteen, plus she's got everything: skinny, long legs, and blonde hair!"

- Magnificent Mile

-- Submitted by OHNO

When English isn't enough.

Guy: (on cell) "If I spoke Serbian, I'd be swearing at your mom right now."

- Red Line

-- Submitted by Kenny

Phish concert, eh? Shocking.

Girl: "I have some raisins if you're hungry."

Girl #2: "I can't eat raisins. I feel like I'm cheating on grapes with their grandparents."

- Phish Concert

-- Submitted by Ian

The fact that his friends use the word 'beerginity,'' maybe?

Girl: "And he lost his beerginity early on, so one has to wonder, 'What's the hold up?'"

- Irving and Leavitt

-- Submitted by Remy

Sold due to snazziness!

Lady: "Why should I get an Iphone?"

Sales Lady: "Well, it has a ton of storage for pictures and games and music."

Lady: "How many pictures can it hold?"

Sales Lady: "Well, how many pictures can your camera hold?"

Lady: "1200 or so."

Sales Lady: "More than that. Plus it's snazzy."

- Apple Store, Old Orchard

-- Submitted by Shorts

Or are you?

Bachelorette Party Girl #1: "Let's all have affairs!"

Bachelorette Party Girl #2 (seriously): "No!"

Bachelorette Party Girl #1: "I'm just kidding."

- Boystown

-- Submitted by Jeff

But they're so sweet and tasty

Guy: (on cell) "STOP EATING THE DOGS FEET!"

- Green Line

-- Submitted by ScubaChicken

You can change the grifty level?

Girl: "I like to consider myself a grifter. But less grifty."

- Jackson and Dearborn

-- Submitted by Holden

Sounds promising.

Guy #1: "I'm debating whether or not I should be a professional blackjack player. I usually do pretty well at the casino."

Guy #2: "How much do you usually win?"

Guy #1: "The three times I've played, I've won 10 bucks."

- Red Line

-- Submitted by GFI

A little of A, a little of B.

Classy Lady: "Either it's a small world, or I'm a whore."

- Cornelia & Seminary

-- Submitted by Mary Low

A little of A, a little of B.

Classy Lady: "Either it's a small world, or I'm a whore."

- Cornelia & Seminary

-- Submitted by Mary Low

It'd be hell for birds.

Woman: "What if it actually rained men? That would be so dangerous."

- DePaul, Loop campus

-- Submitted by Shazam

Isn't this guy on Family Guy?

Old man: (taking a picture of a bunch of guys) "How we doing this boys? Balls out, shirts off?"

- Incubus Concert

-- Submitted by Amanda

Double Negative Fun! L'Chaim!

Guy #1: "Do you hate Jews or something?"

Guy #2: "No. Not at all. I hate Jew haters!"

Guy #3: "So you're an anti-anti-semite?"

- Lakeview

-- Submitted by Ron

Take...pictures?

Guy: "I just got a new phone."

Girl: "That's so cool! Let me see."

Guy: "I dig it."

Girl: "What does the camera do?"

- DePaul

-- Submitted by Green

Fear Apple's wrath!

Sales Lady: "So have you decided which device you want?"

Guy: "No. I'm confused. I think I don't want any of them."

Sales Lady: "Apple will not be pleased to hear that report!"

- Apple Store, Old Orchard

-- Submitted by Jeffrey

Sorry for the dearth of posts. I've been out and unable to update the site. Back to normal tomorrow!

Better than booing

Guy: (on cell) "I'm tired of you yelling 'surprise' every time we have sex, is all."

- Green Line

-- Submitted by ha ha ha

How many plane trips needed?

Guy #1: "I need help moving."

Guy #2: "When and where bro?"

Guy #1: "Tomorrow and to France."

Guy #2: "I don't know if I can carry a couch that far."

- University of Chicago

-- Submitted by Ed

Mom sounds terrific

Guy: (on cell) " My dad is awesome and supportive and loves my wife and the kids to death. My mom is a soul sucking banshee who wants things her way all the time. I mean I love my parents but it's just confusing, you know?"

- Red Line

-- Submitted by Pedro

Attention: GROSS!

Strange Guy: "I'm going to pee my pants people. If the train doesn't stop at my stop soon, there will be a puddle, and it will NOT smell good. Asparagus, people. ASPARAGUS!"

- Purple line

-- Submitted by Trey

A what? Pseudo-douchebag.

Girl: "...and it's so frustrating. Why won't anyone listen to me?"

Guy: "Because life is a pathetic metaphor for death. It's so cliche."

Girl: "For real."

- Loyola

-- Submitted by Rick

Does she like crappy food too?

Girl: "I wish I was Avril Lavigne right now!"

- McDonald's downtown

-- Submitted by Ghost

Sounds like a well thought out plan.

Guy #1: "I'm thinking of starting a company with an innovative idea. Leading society into the future."

Guy #2: "What's the plan?"

Guy #1: "For me to think of the idea, and then lead society into the future. I pretty much laid it out for you already."

- Loyola University

-- Submitted by Whit

Friends love boosting you up!

Guy #1: "I don't know if she likes you."

Guy #2: "We're friends, though. I'm pretty sure she likes me unless it's a pity date."

Guy #1: "Unless or assuredly because?"

- DePaul

-- Submitted by GiGi

She'd need rope

Girl: "I want to buy shoes, but I don't have enough money."

Guy: "You can do amazing things with old tires."

- Ashland

-- Submitted by The Colonel

How long does that go in the oven?

Guy: "What do you want for dinner?"

Girl: "A new family and a vacation."

- Metra Milwaukee District North

-- Submitted by Taylor

You say potato, I say disgusting.

Girl: "The mail never comes in the morning anymore."

Guy: "Mail carrier switch?"

Girl: "Yeah. The new guy looks like he sits in the car and watches little girls or something. Very creepy."

Guy: "How do you get that vibe?"

Girl: "He always delivers the mail with his shirt unbuttoned and untucked. Like he was in a rush to get out of the car."

Guy: "Maybe he's from Alaska and 70 degree whether is scorching for him?"

Girl: "Maybe he's jerking off and forgets to tuck his shirt back in?"

- Golf Mill Shopping Mall

-- Submitted by Newman

Someone's a great dad.

Guy: "But she just learned how to talk and all she does is say my name over and over and over again. The girl will not shut up. At least get to the point or something, you know? Do you want crackers? Do you want milk? ANYTHING. Just stop repeating my name a million times! It drives me insane!"

- State of Illinois Building

-- Submitted by Clover

That guy is smooth.

Guy: "All you can do is give an honest answer."

Girl: "But if they ask what my goals are, I can't say, 'To marry into a rich family so I won't have to work at a second rate company like this one.'"

Guy: "You need to spin that into a more productive statement that makes it sound work related. Something like, 'I'd like to join an organization that is not only established, but successful enough to provide for all of its employees.'"

- Northwestern University

-- Submitted by Tanya

If it's Sam Zell, he won't care.

Woman: "Is killing a customer and then posting them up as a warning grounds for being fired?"

Man: "Probably. But you'd have to check with the owner."

- North Side Restaurant

-- Submitted by Katja

Someone really needs tickets.

Guy: (on cell) "I really need some tickets for the Cubs game, but I need to pay under face value. Right. It depends how rough you'd be."

- Red Line

-- Submitted by Hound

Your guess is as good as anybody's.

Guy: "When is it time to go back home?"

Girl: "We usually leave around 7:30."

Guy: "You said there'd be food, here."

Girl: "There's fruit over there."

Guy: "Fruit? What the hell am I going to do with that?"

- North Shore Book Club

-- Submitted by Avid Reader

Drones, yes. Robots, not yet.

Guy #1: "I want to design video games."

Guy #2: "I think you need to go to school for that."

Guy #1: "No way. There has to be robots around that do the actual work. I just want to tell them what kind of shit to shoot."

- Evanston

-- Submitted by Relay

Business basics.

Girl: (on cell) "If the school wants to make more money, they should just build a strip club on site. That way, all the girls paying their way through college can stay on campus!"

- UIC

-- Submitted by Colleen

Subaru.

Dumb Girl: "We need to find out who makes Mazda."

- Naperville Shell Station

-- Submitted by HondaDriverV6

Funny because it's true!

(3 kids see a window washer)

Kid #1: "Oh, wow! I could never do that."

Kid #2: "I thought they had robots to do that now."

Kid #3: "Well, that's the job you get if you don't go to college."

- Corner of Madison & Franklin

-- Submitted by Koz

Someon's excited

Man: "23! 23! It's my birthday! Let's wake this block UP!"

- 6:30 a.m., residential section of Crystal St.

-- Submitted by Paul

Until you blue-screened.

Guy: "If you were a Mac, and I was a PC, I would have beaten the shit out of you right now."

- Chicago State University

-- Submitted by Leela

SPAM THEM!

Guy #1: "Let's go postal."

Guy #2: "That's so 1990's. We should make up something new."

Guy #1: "Well, we can't go all email on their asses. That just sounds stupid."

- Lakeview

-- Submitted by Stupefied

It's not exactly a compliment.

Girl #1: "...she's such a jap!"

Girl #2: "Asian or Hebrew?"

Girl #1: "Can she be both? But not like, meanly?"

- Northwestern

-- Submitted by Alfalfa

He's not a King, he's a Pink Lady

Thug: "They think I'm a king cause of my mustache. It grows in thin so it makes me look like a king, even when I wear pink."

- #22 Clark bus

-- Submitted by PMA

Another reason to weep for the future. A lot.

Girl: "I mean, I haven't thought in, like, four months."

- Truman College

-- Submitted by Cami

World's biggest bar.

Girl #1: (In Reference to Kosuke Fukudome) "You should yell at him in Chinese!"

Girl #2: "Tell him 'Konichiwa!'"

Girl #3: "No. He wouldn't understand that. That's Asian"

- Wrigley Field

-- Submitted by jrc

They'll figure out a way to make ice cream.

Guy: "...and I'm just tired of watching Iron Chef."

Girl: "What's the problem?"

Guy: "The ingredients are getting boring. I'm waiting for him to life the freaking lid and say, 'Today's ingredients: GLASS SHARDS!"

- Metra South Shore

-- Submitted by Ute

Poor Jake.

Girl #1: "Are we going to Jake's barbecue or Laney's?"

Girl #2: "It all depends on the amount of meat we'll be having."

Girl #1: "I can almost guarantee there will be more at Laney's."

- Loyola

-- Submitted by Quest

And she's only 5.

Guy: (on cell) "No, doc. It's gotten to the point that when I ask her if she wants to go to school, she asks me if I want to go to hell."

- Randolph/Michigan office

-- Submitted by Stunned

Incentive...

Guy #1: "You want to come play some video games later this week?"

Guy #2: "Will your wife be there for me to stare at?"

- Grant Park

-- Submitted by Ali

Shot down. Hard.

Guy: "It's just so great to see you again."

Girl: "Yeah. It's been a long time since you've hit on me."

Guy: "We can skip straight to the pre-breakfast part, you know."

Girl: "You mean me waking up in my bed, in my house, by myself?"

Guy: "Before that?"

Girl: "This IS before that."

- Fransesca's, Bryn Mawr

-- Submitted by Leon

Point, counter-point. Kinda.

Guy #1: "There are just no jobs out there."

Guy #2: "Do you ever think it's your general malaise and lack of drive that makes you unemployable?"

Guy #1: "No. I really think it's just a market thing. I just have to wait it out and something will come."

- Lincoln Park

-- Submitted by JJ

And the sludge. And the mobsters.

Guy: "The water in the lake is so clear you can see all the way down to the bottom."

Girl: "Where the garbage is?"

- Hyde Park Art Center

-- Submitted by Crystal

Pushing the buttons, though, is another thing.

Woman: (on cell) "My kids can put a hot dog in the microwave. They KNOW how to feed themselves."

- #36 Broadway bus

-- Submitted by Milhouse

Pushing the buttons, though, is another thing.

Woman: (on cell) "My kids can put a hot dog in the microwave. They KNOW how to feed themselves."

- #36 Broadway bus

-- Submitted by Milhouse

If there's grass on the field, but it's muddy...forget it.

Girl: "I only do anal because sex before marriage is wrong. I'm a Christain!"

Guy: "And what does the Bible have to say about Sodomy before Marriage?"

Girl: "Why would anyone put sod on me?"

- Andersonville

-- Submitted by mcfarlandwrites

Try the zoo...for idiots.

Girl: "Is there anywhere I can go in Chicago where I can hug a Panda?"

Guy: "Those things are kinda fierce."

Girl: "They've never been hugged by me before. They'll chill."

- Grant Park

-- Submitted by Drizzle

Jump in the deep end.

Guy #1: "It's so freaking hot out! When is fall coming?"

Guy #2: "Didn't you just ask for summer three days ago when it was 60 and rainy?"

Guy #1: "But I didn't want summer to be THIS hot. Just kinda hot."

Guy #2: "You're 'kinda' the biggest attention grabbing turd I know."

- DePaul

-- Submitted by Lexus

Some guys don't need it.

Girl: "Why would a guy be interested in a mermaid? She doesn't have a snatch."

- Red Line

-- Submitted by HJ1000

Not like your brain is busy.

Girl: "I like giant, salted pretzels."

Guy: "Right."

Girl: "Except I hate giant unsalted pretzels. And I don't like the taste of just the salt without the pretzels."

Guy: "Okay."

Girl: "Why can't my face stop playing these games with my brain?!"

- Northwestern

-- Submitted by Yumpers

Ace-hole in deed.

Guy: (on cell) "You have the ace in the hole, man. All you have to tell her is that your mom slept with her brother. How do you lose that argument?"

- Lincoln Park

-- Submitted by Jimbo

No where to be found.

Train Rider: "We had to watch this movie about prostitution. It was supposed to be all tragic and everything, but it wasn't tragic at all. I kept waiting, like 'Okay, where's the tragic part?'"

- Red Line

-- Submitted by Diane

No where to be found.

Train Rider: "We had to watch this movie about prostitution. It was supposed to be all tragic and everything, but it wasn't tragic at all. I kept waiting, like 'Okay, where's the tragic part?'"

- Red Line

-- Submitted by Diane

That's only one optio...oooooh.

Guy: "Your two options are both shutting up!"

- North Ave Beach

-- Submitted by Confused

Good thing he's not a butt man.

Guy: "I've always loved the feet of a baby. So pure, soft, and supple; plus they're always a bit stinky."

-Whole Foods Sauganash

-- Submitted by Joe

So you got the tickets for free?

Guy: "Nothing like two crappy teams playing a meaningless series to show how patheticly ridiculous this town is when it comes to baseball."

- Wrigley Field

-- Submitted by Clark Kent

Definitely one way to look at it.

Guy: "If you don't have any baggage at this point in your life, you must not be any good."

- Durkins

-- Submitted by EI

Thankfully, no.

Guy: (on cell) "It's just that the viagra emails hit really close to home, you know?"

- Red Line

-- Submitted by Carlos

Must be a leader of the group.

Odd looker: "I'm so goth, I wear fuschia."

- #22 Clark bus

-- Submitted by Michael

Good support system, pal.

Guy: "I need more attention."

Girl: "Like emotional or physical?"

Guy: "Both."

Girl: "Well, stop begging and being a tool and maybe you'll get it."

- Union Station

-- Submitted by Chen

Yes we do, JERK!

Gir: (blowing her nose)

Woman: "Oh, do you have a cold?"

Girl: "No, my date is an ass."

Woman: "Well, they don't get any better when you marry them, honey."

- West Side

-- Submitted by EI

No one's ever been there.

Girl: "What's the address again?"

Guy: (gives her an address)

Girl: "Ok, but wh-"

Guy: "Unless you meant the address to my pants."

- Niles

-- Submitted by JoJo

The environment thanks you. The other guys, not so much.

Guy: "Usually when my pee is clear I just don't flush the toilet."

- Northwestern University

-- Submitted by Dan

Until he opens the next bag.

Girl: (on phone) "Honestly, Jim. I don't like when you force me to eat M&M's. It's like you're controlling me with sweet, delicious chocolate and I can't stand it anymore!"

- Little Italy

-- Submitted by Connie

He thanks you for that comment.

Guy: "I mean, his penis was just so apparent!"



- Red Line



-- Submitted by George

They're non-toxic. Sometimes.

Girl: "I'm looking for work, okay?"

Guy: "What's on the horizon?"

Girl: "Well, I'm thinking about taking a bunch of online surveys."

Guy: "For cash?"

Girl: "No. For points. But I can trade in the points for purses and stuff."

Guy: "Are purses edible?"

- Lincoln Park

-- Submitted by Apple

Lifestyle cheats.

Guy #1: "How'd you lose so much weight?"

Guy #2: "I went vegan."

Guy #1: "So you only eat vegetables?"

Guy #2: "Yeah. And the occasional surf and turf. Those are my cheat meals."

- North Side

-- Submitted by Grisssssly Bear

Better than a four year old speed.

Guy: "My dog is so friendly. He'll jump right up in your face. He's like a two year old on crack."

- Benedictine University

-- Submitted by Lou

Probably.

Dad: "Look at those cute hot dogs!"

Little Girl: "Daddy? THAT'S what hot dogs are make of?"

- Humboldt Park

-- Submitted by Jeremiah

How'd you get in the elephant?

Girl: "Sitting in a lounge chair is so comfortable. It's just so cushy. It's like sitting inside of a giant elephant."

- Hookah Lounge, North Suburbs

-- Submitted by Jenae

I'd prefer A.C. Slater, pre-"the rest of his life."

Guy: "My whole life has been like a bad TV show."

Girl: "Like Saved by the Bell bad?"

Guy: "Woman! You are NEVER to tarnish Saved by the Bell again! I would give a billion dollars to trade lives with Zack Morris."

- Northwestern

-- Submitted by Vernon

Because they both usually end without a satisfactory result?

Girl: "I'm on my new summer diet. Healthy breakfast, good lunch, then drink my dinner. I lost 15 pounds last year doing this."

Guy: "That's not a diet; that's LIFE!"

- Mad River

-- Submitted by Edie

Shoot for the stars, kid.

Guy: (on cell) "...but I've gotten rejected so many times, asking is no big deal. One day, a girl who isn't high is going to say yes."

- Green Line

-- Submitted by Amy

The same way they 'accidently' have sex?

Woman: "How does somebody 'accidentally' eat poo?"

- Strack & Van Til

-- Submitted by Spinner

Giving back to the community that gives to you.

Bum: "Hey yo, Mister. Can you spare a cigarette?"

Guy: "I'm sorry. I don't have one."

Bum: "A'ight, that's ok man. But since you with your lady and all, you got a little crust up in yo' eye."

- Art Institute

-- Submitted by Katy

Apparently it was hibernating during the winter.

Guy #1: "She's a bit below your league, huh?"

Guy #2: "What can I say? It's spring and my penis is desperate for attention."

- Smartbar

-- Submitted by James

So it'd be a stinky fire.

Girl #1: "I heard that fertilizer can cause house fires though. Like people souldn't keep it in their garages and stuff."

Girl #2: "Well it IS manure, so..."

- Downtown Elevator

-- Submitted by Mason

Hopefully, he's a college student who still wears smocks.

Guy: (on cell) "You let him wear my Tecate shirt to school as a smock?! He doesn't even like that beer!"

- Blue Line

-- Submitted by Renaldo

Hopefully, he's a college student who still wears smocks.

Guy: (on cell) "You let him wear my Tecate shirt to school as a smock?! He doesn't even like that beer!"

- Blue Line

-- Submitted by Renaldo

Ouch.

Girl: "Oh my GOD do I want to rip out his septum!"

- Southport

-- Submitted by Jenson

Soooo...she's just a girl who has a problem?

Guy #1: "Why does she rhyme everything?"

Guy #2: "Because she's like Eminem. With boobs. And no talent."

- DePaul

-- Submitted by Nathan

It's the little things...in the big things.

Guy #1: "...and I think I need to lose 60 pounds. Or at least convert some weight into muscle."

Guy #2: "Well, what's your motivation? What's driving this decision?"

Guy #1: "To be honest, I just want to see what my belly button looks like."

- XSport, South Loop

-- Submitted by Treego

Mother Nature: Beating people down since the dawn of time.

Girl #1: "It's too hot."

Girl #2: "You've been saying you want the hot weather for the past 6 months."

Girl #1: "Right. But going from 40 to 80 in 2 days doesn't give my body enough ramp up time. I need my body to collect the rays instead of having nature beat the life out of me with them."

Girl #2: "You need stronger sunblock and less tanning."

- Northwestern

-- Submitted by Clyde

He's offering solutions....

Guy: (on cell) "No, sir. I try to pay my bill online, but your system won't let me set up an account. I've sent a paper check but it gets returned because there's no bill stub to go with it. I'm trying to pay my bill, but it's like you guys won't let me. No, I won't take a trip to New York to pay in person!"



- Equitable Building



-- Submitted by Newsy

I'd love to work for Mr. Dumass

Guy #1: "Negativity spreads like a cancer."

Guy #2: "What if the negativity stems from leadership?"

Guy #1: "Then it's obviously prostate cancer."

- Mercantile Exchange

-- Submitted by Limey

Rent is OBVIOUSLY the problem.

Guy: (on cell) "No. I need a raise because I can't afford to pay my rent and I'm in debt up to my eyeballs. Which game? Game 2? How much are the tickets? Yeah. I'll go."

- Red Line

-- Submitted by Chad

It's not crazy. It's prosyletizing.

Girl #1: "What's the name of those anti-abortion people? You know. The crazy ones."

Girl #2: "Christians?"

- Westfield, Old Orchard

-- Submitted by Snuh

Technical Difficulties

I'm having some issues with the form and some other nagging stuff with the site. Posts will be back shortly.

Legit faking.

Guy #1: "We moved everything in the office and tidied it up. Got it sparkling."

Guy #2: "So you can use it as an office and not a storage room?"

Guy #1: "Yeah. We can be productive in there now. Like, actually pretend to do actual work."

- Skokie

-- Submitted by Alexia

KFC's CEO?

Guy: (on cell) "I want to advertise there, but I think too many people would see it. It'd be in plain sight."

- Orange Line

-- Submitted by Tim

B-E-A-T-I-N-G-S

Guy: "I was applying for a security position and they asked me to spell words. Why do I need to know how to do that?"

- Division Bus

-- Submitted by Robby

Mmmm...pickled tink...

Guy: "...I'm absotutely pickled tink!"

Girl: "No girlfriend, huh?"

Guy: "Nope."

Girl: "Shocking."

- Millennium Park

-- Submitted by Vefra

And you wonder why men are confused?

Girl #1: "I need to get picked up tonight. Not laid, but picked up."

Girl #2: "What's the point of getting picked up and not laid? And you need to be sluttier, but not too slutty."

- Northwestern

-- Submitted by Ree-nee

Why aren't you yelling at them, then?

Guy: (on cell) "If they're going to get mad about emails I'm sending, why do they keep answering them? All I'm doing is gathering information. I didn't ask for their second-born child or anything. Passive-aggressive assholes."

- Red Line

-- Submitted by Koby

Or is it anti-dirt?

Guy #1: "My artisitic goal is to create an 'anti-garden.'"

Guy #2: "Like something full of weeds and stuff?"

Guy #1: "No. Something that's the opposite of a garden's original intent."

Guy #2: "So you basically want to create dirt."

- Art Institute

-- Submitted by Laddy

Unless you're bipolar.

Woman: (on cell) “Jimmy, let me put it like this: You can’t use the bi-polar thing as an excuse.”

- Green Line

-- Submitted by Tom

They always promoted SAFE whore sex, people.

Girl #1: "...but if this were Sex and The City, it would be super awesome by now."

Girl #2: "If this was Sex and The City, you'd have AIDS by now."

- Columbia College

-- Submitted by Sistain

Communication is the...oh wait.

Guy: "It'd be awesome if you had a twin."

Girl: "Because one of me isn't good enough?"

Guy: "Right. And we could have a kinky threesome."

Girl: "She'd be my sister!"

Guy: "I know, right? So awesome."

- Grant Park

-- Submitted by Colombiana

You can take it ON the bus, but you can't TAKE IT on the bus.

Girl: (on Cell) "YOU CAN'T TAKE ECSTASY ON A BUS!!"

- Lake Forest

-- Submitted by Flabergasted

He's trying to tell you something.

Hipster #1: "All my Facebook friend are here!"

Hipster #2: "All I see are gays and hipsters."

- Metro

-- Submitted by Striker

Who needs air there, anyway?

Guy #1: "It's just the massively high tree pollen. It makes me super tired."

Guy #2: "Have you tried talking it out with the trees? Reaching some sort of agreement with them?"

Guy #1: "I'm trying, but they keep kicking my ass. Hopefully they don't have any trees in Spain."

- South Loop

-- Submitted by Singer

Not you.

Guy: (on cell) "And they kept talking about how they knew each other from a dating site. Great. I got you trumped. My wife blew him. Who wins NOW?"

- Orange Line

-- Submitted by Candy

Not you.

Guy: (on cell) "And they kept talking about how they knew each other from a dating site. Great. I got you trumped. My wife blew him. Who wins NOW?"

- Orange Line

-- Submitted by Candy

Leave Tom Cruise alone.

Suburbanite: "I hope that autistic guy likes beards."

- Wilmette

-- Submitted by Jenn

He's not going to need a follow up phone call.

Guy: (on cell) "Why would we sponsor you to provide free services? We're not promoting ourselves. We're just showing up and giving you guys stuff that DOESN'T have our name on it. That's ludicrous. I can see why idiots like you have destroyed the economic system we have, you greedy bastard!"

- Red Line

-- Submitted by Marcus

The Bears still rule this town.

Guy #1: "This swine flu is the last thing we needed."

Guy #2: "You know Cutler is going to get it. It'll totally blow the season and our future."

Guy #1: "We're in 100% agreement."

- Little Italy

-- Submitted by Vinnie

Close, but no cigarillo.

Girl: "I think Cinco de Mayo is today."

- Pink line

-- Submitted by Jesse

But less than .001 percent of the population is infected!

Girl: (on cell) "Yeah, dad. There's a confirmed case of the flu. Right. Yeah. I'll be careful that I'm among the 99% of people who actually survive. You feel free to keep freaking out."

- Red Line

-- Submitted by Lynne

Priorities? Check.

Guy: "I'm moving to California. Or Florida. Or Montana."

Girl: "Montana doesn't exactly fit. Family?"

Guy: "Nope. A better guys to bitches ratio."

- Ukranian Village

-- Submitted by Ardee

Someone needs daddy hugs.

Girl #1: "You must be high to think he's not using you."

Girl #2: "But he likes me. He just doesn't know it yet."

Girl #1: "So you're going to keep going?"

Girl #2: "If he has to like me through sex, so be it."

- UIC

-- Submitted by Sparky

That's usually a conversational killer.

Guy #1: "Let's go find some women and cheer you up."

Guy #2: "I can find women anywhere. It's the talking to them part that I screw up."

Guy #1: "You have to practice, dude."

Guy #2: "I usually can't get past the part where I crap myself and vomit on their dresses."

- Northwestern

-- Submitted by JJ

The clap says yes.

Woman: "So, do you think it's a coincidence that I've gotten sick both times I've slept with those random guys?"

-FFC Locker Room

-- Submitted by Girl Next Door

The smell acknowledges all.

Girl #1: "Why are you so down on everything lately? Nothing amuses you."

Girl #2: "Hm. Well, both me and my sister are secretly peeing in our only bathtub and refusing to acknowledge it. I find that very amusing."

-DePaul

-- Submitted by 99 red bafoons

The smell acknowledges all.

Girl #1: "Why are you so down on everything lately? Nothing amuses you."

Girl #2: "Hm. Well, both me and my sister are secretly peeing in our only bathtub and refusing to acknowledge it. I find that very amusing."

-DePaul

-- Submitted by 99 red bafoons

...that you can keep a small animal in. Sexy.

Girl: (on cell) "I'm going to get plastic surgery and have a kangaroo pouch installed It'll probably get heavy and start sagging. It'll be like a third breast!"

- Brown Line

-- Submitted by Morning Commuter

Alien.

Girl: (on cell) "My wrist is bubbling and I don't know why."

- Evanston

-- Submitted by 81 degrees

Check and Mate.

Guy #1: "DRINK NIGHT! WOOOOOOOOOOO!"



Guy #2: "It's 8 AM."



Guy #1: "Get PUMPED for it BROTHER!"



Guy #2: "I refuse because, accordingly, you always act like a tool. Goose at the end of Top Gun is a better wingman than you."



- DePaul



-- Submitted by Harv

At U of C you take it where you can get it.

Student #1: "So do I want to get laid tonight or should I just go to bed?"

Student #2: "Why is the latter even an option?"

Student #1: "Well, its already 11:30, and I'm tired."

Student #2: "Dude, you'll be asleep by like 1:30."

Student #1: "Yeah, but I have class early tomorrow. And I like a full 9 hours of sleep."

Student #2: "Well, who's the victim?"

- University of Chicago Library Bathroom

-- Submitted by late night reader

Who's option B?

Guy #1: "I'd rather fight Milton Bradley."

Guy #2: "But he's a big dude. And he gets into that stuff a lot."

Guy #1: "But he's also torn his ACL getting ready to fight. The odds of that happening again are in my favor."

- ESPNzone

-- Submitted by J

It's still the funniest thing EVER on Jimmy Kimmel

Guy: (on cell) "I'm not mad, but the 'I'm Fucking Matt Damon' song does get annoying after awhile. At least go do it so you aren't as big a tool as the rest of the people who sang it last year."

- West Loop

-- Submitted by Phiz

Sick. Updates tomorrow. Blllllllllllllllllllech.

Fun with bulimics!

Girl: "Just throw it up. Just throw it up. If you throw it up, then the food you ate doesn't count."

Guy: "But you have to throw it up within 5 minutes of eating it or it DOES count."

- Outside of Joy's

-- Submitted by JGulia

The key to time travel: Crunking someone.

Guy: "I'm going to crunk his face into yesterday!"

- Hyde Park

-- Submitted by Genesis

TMI in 3, 2, 1.

Assistant: "So you mean to tell me that your doc gives you an anal exam when you go for a pap smear?"

Boss: "Yes, doesn't yours? Mine does all the time! I turn around and talk to him while he's doing it! It doesn't hurt."

Assistant: "So a pap smear hurts but an anal feels good?"

Boss: "Well, yeah. The tools he uses are way too big! They are a good size for you since you've had three kids!"

- Loop Office

-- Submitte by Peon

Depends how many people thwarted Voldemort's attacks

Movie Go-er #1: "I heard that over 2000 girls auditioned for the role of Cho Chang for Harry Potter."

Movie Go-er #2: "Wow. That's a lot. I bet they had a hard time casting Harry Potter for the first one. I mean how many people have that scar on their forehead?"

- Webster Movie Theater

-- Submitted by E

That is almost NEVER the case.

Girl: (on cell) "So he said 'Well we haven't exactly been romantic' and I said 'Well, that's not my fault,' and you know what he says? He says 'Well, I figured you wouldnt let me go down on you.'"

- Wrigleyville

-- Submitted by Amanda

So you won't call them back

Guy: (on cell) "Why would you call me just to tell me you can't talk?"

- West Loop

-- Submitted by Gliz

Common reason

Train-Goer: "She didn't buy a Mercedes 'cause she could, she bought it 'cause she ugly as hell!"

- Bryn Mawr Red Line

-- Submitted by Lauren

I'm sure she'd appreciate the gesture.

Girl #1: "I need to go home in a few days to do laundry."

Girl #2: "Seriously. I have so much that I'm gonna be buried in it soon."

Girl #1: "Well, why don't you come with me and my mom can do it for both of us."

Girl #2: "I'd feel guilty. Can't we get her a six pack or something for her trouble?"

- Lakeview

-- Submitted by Genni

College aged maturity? What?

Guy: "What are your plans for the weekend?"

Girl: "I have to study."

Guy: "You can't come out for a little bit?"

Girl: "I could go out for the whole weekend. Alcohol fueled weekends won't get me a good job if I don't past my test on Monday though."

- Northwestern

-- Submitted by Kal

Except for the kind made of fish.

Man: "Hmm, that sushi you got for lunch looks pretty tasty."

Woman: "I thought you didn't eat fish."

Man: "Sushi isn't fish!"

- Loop office

-- Submitted by Mel

In his playhouse...ZING!

Guy #1: "You going to play poker after work?"

Guy #2: "Yup."

Guy #1: "How much have you won?"

Guy #2: "I only play with play money."

Guy #1: "I bet you really impress all the play women with that cash"

- West Side Office

-- Submitted by Sanyi

In order of importance...

Girl #1: "You should get a nanny cam. Yeah! You can make sure she's not ignoring the kids. Or stealing. Or doing anything destructive."

Girl #2: "Or eating too many peanut butter and jelly sandwiches."

- Red Line

-- Submitted by Junebug

It takes precision and legs

Girl: "I know I need to start doing more cardio, but what?"

Personal Trainer: " You should start doing the StairMaster"

Girl: "StairMaster? But how do I do that?"

Personal Trainer: "You don't know how to walk up stairs?"

- Loop Gym

-- Submitted by mk

That's gonna be fun to explain to the grandkids.

Girl: (On cell) "So she woke up this morning with a tattoo of a dolphin smoking a bong!"

- Wrigleyville

-- Submitted by DIK

Flava FLAAAAV

Guy: (on cell) "It's NOT a clock radio! There are no speakers or tuner, jackass. I'd have to set it ON TOP of a radio for it to come anything close to it. It's just a damn clock."

- Red Line

-- Submitted by Gary

Totally stupid.

Girl #1: "It's my personal mission to make sure leg warmers come back into style."

Girl #2: "And shiny leotards?"

Girl #1: "Those just look stupid."

- Lifetime Fitness, Schaumburg

-- Submitted by Poitre

Set goals; reach goals.

Girl: "I'm going to put a peep in the microwave and eat it."

Guy: "I heard that all it does is expand and taste like crap."

Girl: "Right. But it's possible it can kill you, so I'm going to give it a try. Not 'cause I want to die, but because it'd be the weirdest obituary ever!"

- Lake Forest High School

-- Submitted by DJ

High standards for this guy

Guy: "One of my biggest desires in choosing a law firm is finding one that has a bar in it. Come in, do work, grab a drink, do work, drink, cab it home."

- John Marshall

-- Submitted by Leo

It'd draw a 15 yard flag. And felony charges.

Guy #1: "The Bears better sign Torry Holt or Plaxico Burress."

Guy #2: "I say go Burress. He may keep a gun on him while he plays. It should keep the DB's off of him."

- Blue Line

-- Submitted by Alvin

Less yelling or heart attack? YOU decide

Guy: (on cell) "It's pretty much like eating eggs and crackers every meal for eight days, except the eggs and crackers are flavored differently with each dish. Everything tastes ok, but then you realize your cholesterol and sodium intake just went up fifty thousand percent. But if you don't eat it, your mom yells at you because she worked so hard."

- Little Italy

-- Submitted by Ravyn

At least Rob Schneider found a job.

Boss: "What are you doing?"

Office Manager: "Sending faxes."

Boss: "Faxy Lady!"

- Loop office

-- Submitted by Lola

It will sting. And smell.

Girl: "Forget whips! I'm gonna beat your ass with leeks!"

- Whole Foods, Roosevelt

-- Submitted by JJ

Lazy is as lazy does

Guy #1: "So I got a job offer, now I just have to decide whether I want it or not."

Guy #2: "Does it pay more than unemployment?"

Guy #1: "Yeah. But I'd have to do stuff. I don't know if the extra hundred a week is worth that."

Guy #2: "If I didn't know you better, I'd annihilate your deadbeat ass."

- Lincoln Park

-- Submitted by Carolyn

Prune juice, my jewish friend.

Guy: "So it's Passover time again."

Girl: "Yummy foods abound."

Guy: "I just wish I could pass over the stoppering power of the matzah. There is no cure for the constipation."

- Northwestern

-- Submitted by Eclair

PRAISE HIM!

Guy: "If you don't like baseball, you shouldn't go to a game just to see one. It's like, I don't go to church to speculate."

- Riverside office

-- Submitted by Dan

Screwed up priorities

Guy: (on cell) "You don't talk about the Bears that way! YOU APOLOGIZE TO JAY CUTLER RIGHT NOW OR WE'RE GETTING DIVORCED!"

- Green Line

-- Submitted by JJ

Only if they do it frivolously.

Woman: "So are vegetarians against animals that eat other animals?"

- Lincoln Park Zoo

-- Submitted by Gemma

How do you shake hands?

Woman: "I promise that if I breast feed, I will introduce you to my boobs."

- Potbelly's, Northbrook

-- Submitted by Herc

Try connecting to the outside, sweetheart.

Woman: "I'm always on Facebook, Twitter, Myspace, or some other social networking site. I can broadcast my life to everyone everywhere with a few click of the keyboard and mouse. It's so amazing. I feel so connected to everything. I just wish I had a social life."

- Union Station

-- Submitted by Boileeze

Wet the bed?

Guy: (on cell) "I have shit to do and I'm not jumping all over plans to wet the bed if he calls on the 17th and wants to 'hang out and have a couple beers.'"

-- Daley Center

-- Submitted by Floyd

Wet the bed?

Guy: (on cell) "I have shit to do and I'm not jumping all over plans to wet the bed if he calls on the 17th and wants to 'hang out and have a couple beers.'"

-- Daley Center

-- Submitted by Floyd

The old P.W.B.Y.A.L.W.Y.T.T.G.Y.D.A.H. Good times.

Girl #1: "My birthday is in 10 days!! We're doing a pub crawl!"

Girl #2: "You don't even know what a pub crawl is."

Girl #1:"Yeah, but when I figure it out, we're going to do it!"

Girl #2:"Yeah well, you guys can do a pub crawl. I'm going to do a pub walk-behind-you-and-laugh-while-you-try-to-get-your-drunk-ass-home."

-Red Line

-- Submitted by Deliah

Pinworms!

Girl: (on cell) "I'd come over, but I need to figure out why I feel the need to scratch my a-hole all day. GROSS! We don't do that! I think it's just a rash."

- DePaul

-- Submitted by Ale

Dad Of The Year. Right here.

Guy: (on cell) "The key to playdates is naps. The more the kids sleep, the less you have to worry about entertaining them."

- Red Line

-- Submitted by Jolly Roger

Goodbye, Chicago.

Upcoming Changes: Due to popular demand by my readers, I have decided to discontinue Overheard in Chicago and open a new website called Overheard in Fults, Illinois. While I'm sure my Chicago fans will be upset, the draw to start Overheard in Fults is something that I can no longer deny. The 28 denizens of the town are ripe with great quotes that I'm SURE will keep all of my Chicago fans interested!

Let me know what you think of the changes by emailing me at
ziggyk15@yahoo.com

Shaping young minds

Student: "When I started painting class, I knew nothing about painting. The professor was just like, 'Aaaaaand... paint.'"

- Michigan Avenue

-- Submitted by Matt

It'd get MAD media coverage

Girl: "Why can't you just tell them you refuse to get laid off?"

Guy: "It doesn't work that way."

Girl: "Well. Tell them that you're going to organize a sit in."

Guy: "Ok. I'll get all four of us to sit in against the other 3 employees that are left. It'll be a showdown for the ages. Great idea."

- Grant Park

-- Submitted by Collins

Rough decision.

Guy: (on cell) "How on earth do you confuse lavendar with maroon? How do you do that? Well, as I see it your two options are going to the store or going to hell. Your choice."

- Merchandise Mart

-- Submitted by Shoppey

Get this girl rubber pants!

Woman: "I peed the bed once, but it was an air mattress. So that made it way worse"

- Southport Lanes

-- Submitted by Amanda

That can be arranged.

Guy #1: "Spring break in T minus 5. Hell yeah!"

Guy #2: "Who cares? We aren't going anywhere and we have to work."

Guy #1: "But just IMAGINE we were staring at chicks and getting laid. Makes spring break all that much better."

Guy #2: "Yeah. Because picturing Amy at the front desk naked definitely makes me want to party. I'd rather see the Bears O-line naked."

- Lincoln Park

-- Submitted by Fransisco

He'd NEVER leave me alone.

Man: "I'll leave you alone right up until the point you start doin the kickin' chicken."

- Roosevelt and Halsted

-- Submitted by Sh

Yes. Fish dissolve in water.

Guy: (on cell) "He thinks the tuna busted the dishwasher? But it's a fish? Wouldn't it just dissolve in the water? But it's a fish for crying out loud! How does that break a water based device?"

- Red Line

-- Submitted by Rick B.

It's no good on its own, pal.

Woman: "I'm absolutely tired of my vagina."

Man: "Can I borrow it for a while?"

- DePaul

-- Submitted by Teeny

Again?

Guy: (on cell) "I think tonight I'm going to be potty training my wife again."

- Union Station

-- Submitted by Guy

Because HR departments have become jokes.

Guy #1: "How's the job hunt going?"

Guy #2: "Fine, I guess. The way I'm figuring it, it's not really a rejection if they never contact you. You're just on hold. Forever."

- Evanston

-- Submitted by RR

Me thinks that something will be ruined.

Guy: (on cell) "If you ruin it, it will ruin the entire surprise. Then the event will be ruined which will ruin my day, thus ruining everything. Don't ruin that."

- Metra Union Pacific West

-- Submitted by Beth

Nothing like some good smarm

Woman: "He was all flirty and I thought he was a little bit smarmy. But not BAD swarmy. Not, like, lawyer smarmy."

- Damen and Wabansia

-- Submitted by Tabitha

Pent up issues?

Girl: "Mommy, I went potty!"

Mom: "Wow! Good job! Grandma's going to be SO proud of you!"

Girl: "Did you go potty, too?"

Mom: "Yes, but grandma's never proud of me."

- Lincoln Park Zoo bathroom

-- Submitted by Spinner

Jealous.

Guy #1: "My brother wants to build a go-kart."

Guy #2: "Oh yeah? For what?"

Guy #1: "I think he's going to get into a race back home."

Guy #2: "Oh gee wilikers! Are Alfalfa and Spanky going to be there? Hot DOG!"

- Northwestern University

-- Submitted by Lacey

Someone is generalizing.

Girl: (on cell) "Well if you were a Geico caveman, the first thing we'd do is shave your back and face. But of course, if you were a caveman, odds are I wouldn't be dating you. I like my men more modern and less smelly."

- Michigan and Roosevelt Bus stop

-- Submitted by Colin

For her it is.

Guy #1: "We should find out what she's getting him for a groom's gift and then get him two of the same thing."

Guy #2: "Right. But is it considered a gift when you actual take someone's manhood?"

- Law Office, Downtown

-- Submitted by Jerry

Playstation Portables are watching....

Guy: "He could read my mind like he had PSP or something."

- Loyola University

-- Submitted by Qwerty

The man loves his balls.

Girl: (on cell) "I just can't take any more stupid sports. It's twenty four seven with you! If ESPN is on when I get home, I'm leaving. No you shouldn't pack my things, you jerk!"

- Water Tower Place

-- Submitted by Krousa

Tea or otherwise!

Girl: "I'm serious. There's not a spot of anything on anything that shouldn't have a spot of anything on it."

- UIC

-- Submitted by SH

Sounds appetizing.

Man: "What're we doing for dinner?"

Woman: "I figure with the kids out, we'll just throw the left-overs from the past few days together."

Man: "So that'd be..."

Woman: "A meatsagnachickensaladloaf."

- Barnes and Noble, Skokie

-- Submitted by Pete

Try it and send me what your boss says!

Girl #1: "I think my foot hurts."

Girl #2: "Well, does it hurt or doesn't it?"

Girl #1: "I can't tell. Every time I step it kinda feels like something is there kinda, but every time I lift it off the ground, that something is kinda gone."

Girl #2: "That's not going to get you out of work."

- Blue Line

-- Submitted by Tracker

Someone talk to the Amstel people!

Girl #1: "They're changing the formula of Old Style? What the fuck? What are they going to change?"

Girl #2: "It's going to be the same, only less krauesened than previously. Don't worry--it'll still suck.

Girl #1: "Well, that's a relief."

-Red Line

-- Submitted by Spinner

Opposite sexed poisons.

Guy: (on cell) "You NEVER mix Right Guard with Secret! Especially one arm each. That's like mixing poisons!"

- Northwestern

-- Submitted by Nate

Nothing unusual in this city.

Girl: "I should call him to tell him it's over. Hopefully the public obscenities would scare the tourists away."

- Giant phone on Michigan Ave.

-- Submitted by Damon B.

Well, the people ARE stupid...

Woman: "Every show has a talking animal in it. Talking pigs, talking sheep, talking cows, talking dogs, talking anything but people. And whenever the people are on, they're always stupid or bumbling dopes who need to get saved by the ever so clever animal. You'd think PETA would be less involved in kid shows."

- North Side

-- Submitted by Leesee

Just like grandma used to make.

Guy: (on cell) "My kids are getting chocolate chip cookies as a present from grandma tonite. Right, but the only problem is that the cookies are so hard, they're either going to break their teeth or break the floor when they drop them. I don't know, mortar?"

- Blue line

-- Submitted by Endo

Somewhere in that small vicinity.

Guy: "Where's Montrose and Sheridan?"

Girl: "It's off of 94 and Lake Shore Drive."

- DePaul

-- Submitted by Chris

Yeah. Awesome. Except for Grandma.

Girl: "My great grandmother died. And we inherited all her jewelry. And that's like totally awesome.

-Forever 21

-- Submitted by Tim

What on EARTH is the problem?

Girl : (on cell) "...and you're going to go back into the bedroom, pull your pants down, and punch yourself in the nuts. Because it's the only thing that's going to solve it."

- Grant Park

-- Submitted by Sheila

It's Columbia. This is normal.

Girl: (in an elevator) "Wait. What floor is this? Am I on the right floor? Whoa, am I even in the right building?"

- Columbia College

-- Submitted by Zachary

Or just switch to the bluetooth.

Guy: (on cell) "Don't just stay on the phone and talk! Throw a watermelon back at him!"

- Metra Milwaukee District North

-- Submitted by Laney

Apparantly, a galaxy class starship can be run by the Love Boat guy.

Guy: "Do you like Star Trek?"

Girl: "Yes, I do."

Guy: "Which is you favorite series?"

Girl: "I like the Next Generation."

Guy: "Who is your favorite character?"

Girl: "I like that bald guy, Capt. Stubing."

- At the NEIU Campus

-- Submitted by Aaron

Keep it to myspace. No one checks that.

Guy: (on cell) "How do you keep your girlfriend from finding out that you keep cheating on her? Well you can stop Twittering every damn thing you do for starters, and that includes people you boink."

- Lincoln Park Zoo

-- Submitted by Kat

That's quite a policy

Girl: "What time are you coming over?"

Guy: "What time are your parents leaving?"

Girl: "Half an hour after they know you've left the house and I'm not impregnated."

- Glenview

-- Submitted by Ronnie T.

At least you got to make out, right?

Girl #1: "How was the date?"

Girl #2: "I'd rather make out with a rusty cheese grater."

- DePaul

-- Submitted by Gee-off

Your penis and nose would hate you.

Guy #1: "...and to lose 50 billion dollars? I mean, what do you do with that cash?"

Guy #2: "Hookers and blow, man. Hookers and blow. It's ruined many a man."

- North Side

-- Submitted by Carly

That's when they DON'T freak out when you try to kill them.

Guy: (on cell) "No! No, no, no. You can't kill them one by one. They run around freaked out and get blood everywhere when you do that! Oh, well why didn't you say it was for sport?"

- Grand and Wood

-- Submitted by Keith

Space occupied.

Girl: (on cell) "She's going to the hospital now? Oh my god! Make her wait til I get there! I'm gonna be all up in her vagina!"

- Schaumburg Metra Station

-- Submitted by Timbo

Taurus's need extra attention.

Girl: "Leo's need their ego's stroked to be successful. I consider myself a big time stroker."

- Northbrook

-- Submitted by Cleana

There just has to be another way...for her to shuck responsibility

Sales Associate: "Your balance on your credit card is over $1,000. Your available credit is...sorry. Zero."

Customer: "So, I CAN'T use it?"

Friend: "How can she put more money on it?"

Sales Associate: "By paying her bill."

- Victoria's Secret

-- Submitted by Maria Clara

Well, it is called public transit.

Rowdy El Passenger: "This shit is public as hell!"

- Red Line

-- Submitted by Giles

Call me. Immediately.

Girl #1: "...I'm tired of faking all the time."

Girl #2: "It's sad when you have to fake an orgasm while masturbating."

- Jackson Subway Station

-- Submitted by AK

Went to a party, yadda, yadda, yadda, someone crushed my balls.

Girl: "You going to Janey's on Saturday?"

Guy: "Nah. Last time I was there, I left with testicular torsion. I'm not risking that again."

- Highland Park

-- Submitted by Yowch!

It's their M.O.

Guy #1: "...and all I'm saying is that the Bears better get somebody in free agency."

Guy #2: "They'll get somebody. It's just a matter if that person is going to be a backup or a waste of money."

Guy #1: "Hopefully both."

- Red Line

-- Submitted by Clark

That's not a number.

Girl: (on cell) "On a scale of 1 to 10, you're as sharp as a marble!"

- Metra Station, Glenview

-- Submitted by Ally

At least he has goals.

Bum: "I know times are tough, but I need help. The other guys can afford markers and cardboard whileI'm still only using a cup. Help me get ahead, folks. Help me beat the homeless rat race."

- Randolph and Clark

-- Submitted by Applet

I like her plan.

Girl: "My goal is to marry a 25 year old guy by the time I'm 45."

Guy: "And if it doesn't happen by 45?"

Girl: "I'll start 5 year increments. 50/30. 55/35. 60/40. And I'll buy huge cans."

- Evanston

-- Submitted by Pico

Lawyer, right?

Guy (on cell) "It's also plausible that my clothes were burned without harming me physically. Right, but plausible and believable aren't the same."

- Lakeview

-- Submitted by Rayray

Hello, porn situation!

Woman: "I mean, I love him, but he's a weirdo. When we first moved in, our neighbor came over with chocolate chip cookies. He wasn't wearing any pants so he wrapped a blanket around himself and went to the door. I come home and find the woman next door standing in my house with cookies while my husband isn't wearing any pants. Talk about embarrassing."

- Red Line

-- Submitted by Maria

He needs to calm hisself down

Guy: (yelling on cell) "'His-self' is not a fucking word, you piece of smarm!"

- Red Line

-- Submitted by Mizzy

Because women love the famished ones.

Male Hipster: "I weigh like eleven pounds more than you do and that's terrible because you weigh like 100."

- Ukranian Village

- Submitted by Sandy

And dogs smell worse.

Man: "I can't believe it is going to snow again."



Woman: "Well, that is better then rain."



Man: "Really? Why?"



Woman: "Well, with snow you get wet but with rain you get, like, really wet."



- Metra SW Service



-- Submitted by 10withamop

Of course of course not.

Girl: (on cell) "How is it his fault, Jen? You cheated on him, though. Right,but you were still engaged. So break it off and then sleep with him. Do you ever get the impression that most of your problems stem from your cowardice and stupidity? Of course not."

- Ukranian Village

-- Submitted by Roe

Flavor improvement?

Guy: "Running your fingers under the sink after you take a dump is NOT washing your hands. You might as well rub your junk and ass all over the food. Nasty bastard."

- Hooters, Downtown

-- Submitted by Noah

I'll tell her.

Woman: (on cell) "Well, then, you kindly tell her that her hot little ass is no longer allowed at our house."

- Blue Line

-- Submitted by Wicka

At least her heart is in the right place.

Girl #1: "So I've decided what I want to do with my life."

Girl #2: "Yea?"

Girl #1: "I'm going to go back to school, get my Masters and become a Guidance Counselor."

Girl #2: "Cool. So you want to help people?"

Girl #1: "No way. My dad's a guidance counselor and he doesn't do anything at work."

- Purple Line

-- Submitted by Beth

Cooties: It's an epidemic

Guy: "This is not just affecting the state! If it starts affecting us nationally, it'll affect the entire United States!"

- Jackson & Jefferson

-- Submitted by mig

Yeah. Because he'd fly to the Dominican without a "contribution."

Guy #1: "...and then they'll find out who the cousin is. Then he's in trouble."

Guy #2: "Not to sound too 'conspiracy theorist,' but do you think Blagojevich is involved? Think about it. 'Cousin.' 'A-Rod.' 'Rod Blagojevich.' Sounds a little to cozy for me."

Guy #1: "You stay up at night thinking about these things, don't you?"

- Chase Building

-- Submitted by Brad

What's a doctor trained for anyway? Right?

Woman: "We're just trying to cut and trim, trim and cut. Hell, if I can give my family free haircuts, minor surgeries couldn't be too bad."

- State of Illinois building

-- Submitted by Bloggo

There's gotta be one.

Guy: (on cell) "There is zero reason for your shirt to smell like racoon crap. Absolutely none."

- Orange Line

-- Submitted by Stretch

Should have used protection.

Guy #1: "My legs are killing me."

Guy #2: "It's AIDS."

Guy #1: "So how do you explain my back?"

Guy #2: "Cancer."

Guy #1: "Great. Cancer and AIDS! Unbelievable!"

Guy #2: "Yeah. Tumors can be real sluts."

- Lincoln Park

-- Submitted by Trixasaurus Rex

Sign me up for pilhardcorelates!

Guy: "...and she's still doing pilates, right?"



Girl: "Yeah, but I told her to stop wearing those shorty shorts. I might see things she doesn't want me seeing."



Guy: "Why the hell would you think that?! I'm calling her right now and telling her that she needs to wear those shorts and bring some liquor to pilates. I'm going to put the hardcore back in pilates training!"



Girl: "Yes. Because every pilates session is moments from becoming a lesbian orgy."



- West Loop



-- Submitted by Allison

Good question.

Girl: "I just got 'touche'd' putting myself down. How the hell does that work?"

- Uptown

-- Submitted by Lisate

Which girl is the liar.....

Woman #1: "Tess? Oh my word! It IS you! And you had the baby!"

Woman #2: "It's so great to see you! My baby girl is now 3 months old!"

Woman #1: "How's the weight loss going?"

Woman #2: "I'm at my pre-pregnancy weight now. Why?"

Woman #1: "Because you look super awesome, that's why!"

- LA Fitness, Roosevelt

-- Submitted by Dedom

Except for the ladies.

Dressing Room Attendant: "The men's sizes run small. They're European sizes."

Guy: "Europeans need to stop wearing their pants so fucking tight."

- H&M on State

-- Submitted by Crystal

Love and stupidity all rolled up into one.

Annoying Indie Kid: "I'll piss your name in the snow on Valentine's Day."

Girl: "Amanda has a lot of letters."

- Red Line

-- Submitted by Stoj and Shea

But most people can hear.

Girl: "I wondered if he heard me telling Susie about how cute he was. Then I remembered: he was in a different room, and it's only vampires who can read minds."

- Loop office building

-- Submitted by another Twilight fan

Better than watching paint dry....or not.

Guy #1: "What do you want to do this weekend?"

Guy #2: "I'm going to watch a lot of fishing. Interested?"

Guy #1: "I would be if I wasn't busy slitting my wrists instead. But watching fishing is right after that on my 'to-do' list."

- Lakeview

-- Submitted by Glob Rob

Movies taught me that houses travel by tornado

Guy: "Gas bill? What you paying a gas bill for?"

Girl: "People pay gas bills."

Guy: "Where you driving your house to? Your house ain't driving nowhere, what you got a gas bill for?"

- Columbia College

-- Submitted by really?

More people deserve this.

Girl: "So why did he get kicked out?"

Guy: "He was being a jackass; so they pulled the no jackass clause out of his contract."

Girl (sings): "Yay! No more jackass!"

- UIC

-- Submitted by SH

More people deserve this.

Girl: "So why did he get kicked out?"

Guy: "He was being a jackass; so they pulled the no jackass clause out of his contract."

Girl (sings): "Yay! No more jackass!"

- UIC

-- Submitted by SH

Wonder how we got into this mess...

Girl: "Do youthink I should by a house?"

Guy: "You're a student with no income. How would you pull that off?"

Girl: "But mortgage rates are awesome right now!''

- Lincoln Park

-- Submitted by Brobama

That's what she said, anybody?

Guy: "Next person to quote that stupid ass 'My New Haircut' video gets a new face cut with my fists. Why can't you enjoy something without trampling it to death?"

- Northwestern

-- Submitted by Clyde

Who'd have suffered more?

Drunk: "If my next beer doesn't taste like a Miller Lite, I'm going to go ape shit."

Bartender: "You've been ordering Heineken's the entire night."

Drunk: "Why would you let me do that? They should take your bartendering paper and crap on it. We'd be even."

- McFaddens

-- Submitted by Terryn

Except for him.

Girl #1: "He's so cute."

Girl #2: "You would totally marry him. And have his kids."

Girl #1: "And he'd have no clue. It would be perfect."

- New Trier

-- Submitted by B.K.

Good man

Guy: "I never extend my right hand because it's my ass-scrubbin' hand. People deal."

- Loyola

-- Submitted by Noah

You'd think one would keep the other busy.

Guy: (on cell) "Getting caught by your parents sucks. Getting caught by your kids sucks worse. Getting caught by your parents AND your kids within twenty minutes not only super sucks, but I'm not getting laid again for weeks!"

- Red Line

-- Submitted by Angelique

They prefer "mature."

Guy #1: "...and she got all pissed that I asked her age. Are women that insecure?"

Guy #2 "No. They're just all way too old."

- Rednofive

-- Submitted by Kirk

Harsh.

Tired stage manager: "I used to wish I could dance.... Now I wish you could!"

-Local Theatre rehearsal

-- Submitted by Mike

Music is vital.

Student: "We made this movie in the sandwich shop where my boyfriend works. There’s gonna be some music that comes in and out, ignore that. My boyfriend’s coworker threw a temper tantrum cause he said he couldn’t make sandwiches without music on."

- Web Video Class, Northwestern University

--Submittec by Arianna

Close.

Girl: "When's New Year's Eve?"

Guy: "December 30th."

- Columbia College

-- Submitted by Paige

Mutually Exclusive

Bum: "I may be an ugly man, but I'm a GOOD man!"

- Michigan and Washington

-- Submitted by Amanda

Who isn't?

Guy #1: "How's your mom doing?"

Guy #2: "Fine. She's still trying to figure out an inexpensive way to get the car out of the pool, though."

- DePaul

-- Submitted by Yippee

Step 13: Score.

Guy: (on cell) "Everyone's meeting fine-ass people in AA meetings these days."

- #11 Bus

-- Submitted by grahamisded

Good call

Guy: (on cell) "Fuck that. I'm not gonna use my college education to go to grad school. What the hell would I do with that?"

- Brown Line

-- Submitted by T

Women: Always fooling themselves.

Girl: (on cell) "That makes it sound so serious. I like to think of it as I'm so good that he came without me having to touch him."

- Purple Line

-- Submitted by Ava

Poop museum.

Woman #1: "Why can't you just go out with him?"

Woman #2: ''Because I like the arts and he likes taking the world's longest craps until I fall asleep. I haven't found a way to combine the two yet."

- East Bank Club

-- Submitted by Classy

A bit of a drawl.

Guy: (on cell) "She kept telling me she was hungry, but I couldn't make out what she wanted. I finally figured out that she was saying broccoli. No, it sounded like brachachachachaaaaaah. Like she was hocking a loog, but in word form."

- Orange Line

-- Submitted by Erica

He's just staying classy.

Guy: (on cell) "I couldn't believe he has no hesitation on the 'f-word,' but he can't say shit. Fuckin' poo-head? Really?"

- Weathermark Tavern

-- Submitted by Doe

Please say Civil War.

Girl: (on cell) "I have a history quiz to study for and I need you to tell me if the Articles of the Confederation came before the Declaration of Independence. Wait, what war?"

- Loyola Library

-- Submitted by apeface

BUSTED!

Train Engineer (Over loud speaker): "Just so you know, that wasn't smart what you did sir..."

- North and Clybourn Red Line Stop

-- Submitted The Girl W/ Kaleidoscope Eyes

Energy boost!

(Couple at snowcovered car)

Woman: "You can get it out if you put a little effort into it."

Man: "No way. Its covered! We won't be able to get it out!"

Woman: "Are you going to get a shovel?"

Man: "No. I'm going to get a fucking bag of candy!"

-Grace & Bell

-- Submitted byNorth Center Snoop

Energy boost!

(Couple at snowcovered car)

Woman: "You can get it out if you put a little effort into it."

Man: "No way. Its covered! We won't be able to get it out!"

Woman: "Are you going to get a shovel?"

Man: "No. I'm going to get a fucking bag of candy!"

- Grace & Bell

-- Submitted by North Center Snoop

College girl. Really?

Guy: "...she's just so damn flighty."

Girl: "What is that supposed to mean."

Guy: "What? Flighty? It means you're always up and down. She can never keep plans solid."

Girl: "Oh. I thought she was a flight attendant or something."

- Loyola, Water Tower

-- Submitted by gigi

Usually, it's more.

Guy: (on cell) "So he got promoted? And I care why? Oh. Well, unless one of his perks is 'less asshole,' I don't give a damn."

- Blue Line

-- Submitted by Corey

Must've missed that page.

El Passenger: "People don't make babies. God makes babies. And babies are just punishment for not remaining a virgin. a Punishment! I mean the Bible, the BIBLE, warns against marriage!"

- Red Line

-- Submitted by Ariel

Scientists say: Too late.

Green Peace Guy: "Hey! It's her! Hey!"

Girl: "Sorry. Can't talk. I'm in a rush."

Green Peace Guy: "Hey, I'm in a rush, too. To save the planet!"

- Chicago and State

-- Submitted by Gemma

Delish.

Guy: (on cell) "If you're going to the store can you pick up yogurt? Yeah and not that vomit tasting one that was full of fat."

- Yellow Line

-- Submitted by swifty

Definitely. Must be the hidden tire.

Girl: (on cell) "...And it just stopped. I was able to pull to the side. I don't know. The engine went 'crunchy, crunchy, ploppy, ploppy, screeeeeeeeeech.' And then it stopped. You don't think it's a blown tire, do you?"

- Downtown Naperville

-- Submitted by Louis

She might have had a great personality.

Guy: "I thought it'd be love at first sight until I saw her body. I think she ate her last boyfriend."

- ESPNZone

-- Submitted by Martin

Good try.

Guy: "Can you make the deal better? The gym down the street is giving me 6 months free."

Sales Guy: "We're not doing that.''

Guy: "Can I get a free day then?"

- X-sport

-- Submitted by Ronnie

He's awake and he's lying.

Woman #1: "He just keeps waking me up, begging for a piece. In the morning he tells me he's asleep and doesn't remember any of it."

Woman #2: "He's sleepwalking?"

Woman #1: "More like sleepsexing."

- Blue Line

-- Submitted by M

And for, 50 dollars, they'll pay you

Girl: "I hear that for twenty dollars you can get everything for free."

- Belmont Red Line Stop

-- Submitted by sealouse

I mean, it's KIND of technoligical.

Woman: ''It's amazing what moderate technology can do."

- Green line

-- Submitted by Stephen

If you are seeing an errant posting on Google or some other RSS feed, that was an error by a publishing partner. Excuse the interruption.

She got ya there.

Guy #1: "I have to go to physical therapy."

Guy #2: "For how long?"

Guy #1: "I think eight weeks. My hand just won't get better. I guess I have to stop pleasing the women. Right?"

Random Goth Girl: "You're obviously only pleasing yourself. If you were pleasing women, you wouldn't be concerned with your hand."

- Red Line

-- Submitted by Stunned

Duty failed. By many.

Guy: "I think I'm going to ask her out again."

Girl: "Your last date was a disaster. Can't you just find someone new?"

Guy: "But then where's the thrill? I've got to make things right. It's my civic duty."

Girl: "Who are you? Superawfuldaterman? Your civic duty is to not be a dumbass."

- UIC

-- Submitted by Renee

Try texting on it. Near impossible.

Woman: (on cell) "How do you drunk dial on a rotary phone? It probably takes 20 minutes just to figure the damn thing out and being all inebriated. And what if you pass out mid-rotary?"

- Skokie

-- Submitted by Sheesh

The donor list is going to be short.

Girl: "If my left wrist hurts and my right wrist is fine, should I be worried about needing a transplant or replacement or something?"

- Orthopedic Office, North side

-- Submitted by Nurse of Fools

Vote for change indeed.

Guy: "Now that Obama's going to be President, he'll try and fix stuff. Hopefully he brings back 70's music. And eight tracks. Awesome."

- DePaul University

-- Submitted by Zander

Guy: "Now that Obama's going to be President, he'll try and fix stuff. Hopefully he brings back 70's music. And eight tracks. Awesome."

She is now.

Guy: (on cell, angrily speaking) "Say it! Just say it! Is she breaking up with me?!"

- Purple Line

-- Submitted by innocent bystander

It's apparently possible with brains.

Guy: "I wonder if it can ever get to the point where your eyeballs just shatter."

- Chicago Ave. bus

-- Submitted by Jessica

It was a double whammy if she's a vet.

Guy: (on cell) "I was in this relationship with a girl named Kelly and, you know, Memorial Weekend I just coldly dumped her."

- Office, Wolf & Palatine, Wheeling

-- Submitted by Jenny

Friends think of everything.

Girl: "So you had long underwear?"

Guy: "Well I normally wear nothing, but I tried padded shorts, they worked well. Then Steve bought me these tight black ones and those were even better."

- Union Station

-- Submitted by jeff

You won't know until you try. And have a better attitude!

Guy# 1: "Come on! you should run the Shamrock Shuffle with me! it'll be fun!"

Guy#2: "The what?"

Guy# 1: "It's a race!"

Guy#2: "But what if I don't win it? I don't think I should. I won't win it."

- Jewel, Roosevelt & State

-- Submitted by Oscar

With the relationship? Completely.

Guy: (on cell) "No, bitch. It's not cold for me? I wish we loved in Antarctica. Fuckin' happy?"

- Adams Street El Platform

-- Submitted by Substandard

Sounds legit.

Officer: "And the reason all these drugs are in your possession is?"

Suspect: "I bought them so I could flush them down the toilet. Keep some kids safe."

- Downtown

-- Submitted by Assisting Officer

P.S. You're getting evicted

Guy: (on cell) "But if the rent is due on the 15th, why do you keep calling me three days early every month?! But it's due the 15th! Unless you're jerking off with the check before you give it to the bank, I see no reason to get it to you early every month. "

- Purple Line

-- Submitted by Cathy

Unknown guy code?

Guy #1: "...and the guy just wouldn't go faster down the stairs. I got as close as I could and he wouldn't hurry up. I was going to punch him in the back of the head!"

Guy #2: "Why didn't you pass him?"

Guy #1: "That's akin to ball punching. Total dick move."

- South Loop/Columbia

-- Submitted by Paul

Man's gotta eat. He can't be buyin' extra pants!

Guy: (Wiping salt stains off his khaki pants) "I hate winter. I hate, hate, hate it. I am not made of money. I can't just wash my pants whenever I want"

- West Town Office

-- Submitted by Regina

And brains tatooed on your rear.

Barfly: "I wanna get lips tattooed on my lips."

- Jake's Pub

-- Submitted by amy dee

Kids are fearless. And often stupid.

Mom: "Get back from the street! You're gonna trip and fall under the bus!"

Little boy: "Cool!"

- Lawrence and Western

-- Submitted by Spinner

Uh....we didn't win.

Hobo in Vietnam Vet Hat: "You sistas should thank me for your job. I hadn'ta fought in Vietnam, you'd be speaking Vietnamese now."

- 47th and Cottage Grove

-- Submitted by Just trying to get by on the South Side

When you start enjoying it.

Cop: "When does CPR become necrophilia?"

- Union Station

--Submitted by Melissa

In today's troubled times...

Guy: (on cell) "You're wearing a what? The only place you'd wear a corset to an interview is at the Bunny Ranch!"

- State and Lake

-- Submitted by Amy

Makes the first step unnecessary.

Girl: "If you brush my ass again, I'm gonna rip out your eyes and replace them with your balls. Then I'll kill you. Twice."

- Green Line

-- Submitted by tyler

Not even in a smelly way?

Guy: (on cell) "I love her and I'm happy we're together, but I need her to stop crapping in my shoes. It's not cute."

- Michigan and Roosevelt

-- Submitted by Jay

Disinviting yourself over?

Girl: "Can I come over for dinner?"

Guy: "Sure. What time?"

Girl: "I'm too tired to come over. Another time, maybe?"

- DePaul

-- Submitted by Randy

Your brain has already succumbed.

Guy: "If I die from the HIV, I'll survive."

- Diversey Rock and Bowl

-- Submitted by Joe

What if it was your son?

Woman: (on cell) "There isn't anything more awkward than watchin' your 3 year old daughter breast feed her baby doll in front of your boss. No, I'm not facebooking it!"

- Red Line

-- Submitted by Jeanette

No. You're not. Hence the trust.

Guy #1: "Why don't you worry about toilet seat covers at my house?"

Guy #2: "Because you're not a stranger."

Guy #1: "So you trust my ass to be less infested? I'm touched."

- Navy Pier

-- Submitted by Vinny

Neith did green money. Or white Broncos.

Guy: "White money didn't do OJ no good."

- #8 Halsted bus

-- Submitted by Stagalicious

Neith did green money. Or white Broncos.

Guy: "White money didn't do OJ no good."

- #8 Halsted bus

-- Submitted by Stagalicious

No bottles on the train, rulebreaker.

Conductor: "We're gonna be stoppin for 15 minutes. I know you wanna get home, I know i do. Open up a bottle of Chardonnay. Mmmm."

- Brown Line

-- Submitted by G

They need to be separated.

(Night of New Years @ 3am.)

Two guys in the same stall in the mens room.

Guy #1: "Well, what do you want me to do?"

Guy #2: "Call 911"!

Guy #1: "And what the fuck should I tell them?"

Guy #2: "Tell them to come and pick us up!"

- Clarke's on Belmont

-- Submitted by Paul

That's a lotta Jesus.

Subway Jesus (dressed in a white robe carrying a large cross): "HAVE YOU FOUND JESUS, MA'AM!??"

Lady: "Um, sure."

Subway Jesus: "YOU!?" (pointing to a boy in his teens)

Teen Boy: "Enough to be Pagan?"

-- Purple Line

--Submitted by Surprised and Amused

Not at all?

Girl: "An orange is nothing like a vagina."

- Uptown

-- Submitted by Spinner

Fried spider doesn't sound as tasty.

Girl: (Eating calamari) "An Octopus doesn't have eight legs!"

Guy: "Are you sure?"

Girl: "Yes, only spiders have 8 legs. Octopuses don't."

- Italian Village

-- Submitted by Kevin

She's got the future all planned out. In Huggies.

Girl: "No, it's ok, because when I turn 25 he'll turn 50 and we can celebrate our 75th."

Guy: "Yea, but just think of it this way. In a few years he'll be in diapers and you'll be, like, normal."

Girl: "Well, I'm never really normal, so there's a chance I can end up in diapers any day really."

- Loop Elevator

-- Submitted by MB