Wednesday, February 28, 2007

This ones for me, this ones for my...mmm, grande, double-foam, half-caf, carmel frappalappa something.

Girl #1: [removes lid from coffee, pours some onto ground]

Girl #2: "Was that for your dead, corporate homies?"

- Starbucks, Lawrence and Broadway

-- Submitted by Uptown Girl

Just keeps the birds out of there.

Guy #1: "This is getting ridiculous. This is the part of being Assyrian that I hate. I'm 19, have manly arm hair, leg hair, and chest hair. But now my back is getting hairier than a gorilla's and my head is losing all the hair it's got."

Guy #2: "It's like the hair from your head is migrating south for winter. But permanently."

- Lifetime Fitness, Old Orchard

-- Submitted by Limor

That may be the cause of the odor.

Guy: "You know what I heard from your friend today?"

Girl: "What?"

Guy: "Um, that your vagina smells really bad."

Girl: "I'm having such a shitty day."

- Loyola University (You stay classy, Ramblers)

-- Submitted by Apeface

Tuesday, February 27, 2007

Then it was truly a random hookup.

Girl: (on cell) "I did something bad this weekend. Yeah. Yeah. And then I woke up at his place! I don't remember. I don't even know his last name! Oh my god! We're not even Facebook friends!"

- Red Line

-- Submitted by Nosey Passenger

Site News: Click here

It's not a tumor, silly hypochondriac.

Woman: (on cell) "It really hurts, though. Tylenol didn't help. Advil didn't help. Sudafed and Dayquil didn't do anything. What if it's cancer? Like, lymphoma or carcinoma, I don't know. What about West Nile Virus? Or AIDS? If I have AIDS I'm going to totally freak out. We're talking major meltdown."

- Blue Line

-- Submitted by Clementine

Way to solidify that.

Mother: "Sweetie, it's hot. Blow on it."

Father: "Sit down, babe."

Mother: "Sweetie, sit down so you can blow."

Father: "Yeah. YOU'RE the one that should be giving that advice."

- North Side Restaurant

-- Submitted by Clumsy Waiter

Monday, February 26, 2007

Really? Because that's hard.

Girl: "Why don't you ever call me back? How hard is it to pick up a damn phone?"

Guy: "Why? We're done. Why would I continue calling you? We broke up and now we're finished."

Girl: "You couldn't transition out? You couldn't console me through the finish? You had to just cut everything cold like that?"

Guy: "If I have to console your fragile emotion one more time, I'd go crazy. I'd rather fellate an elephant than help you through your emotion roller coaster."

- Loyola University

-- Submitted by Ramblin' Man

Those don't work. Trust me.

Dude #1: "...and if I don't get a date, I'm going to look like a complete douche."

Dude #2: "So call all your friends. I'm sure one of them will go."

Dude #1: "I already did. All the girls I'd take are busy. I don't want to be the only loser without a date, dude!"

Dude #2: "Dude. Relax. There are always options. You can post on the internet, you can just ask random hotties. Oh! Shit! You can go to a bar, use the bathroom, and call one of the 'for a good time' chicks!"

- Red Line

-- Submitted by Herv

Do NOT steal his stapler.

Woman: "The guy is absolutely insane. He walks around, muttering to himself, saying bitch every other word. He always wears a different version the same shirt everyday. It's like he owns 500 of the same damn shirt. His lunch is always something gross and he swears at his sandwich like he's married to it. At the end of the day, he runs outside and starts yelling at the fire hydrant. What the hell did the fire hydrant do to him?"

- Sauganash office

-- Submitted by Fritata

Friday, February 23, 2007

It's not the size of the wave. It's the motion of the ocean.

Guy: (on cell) "We're going to pick up the washer and dryer right now. Yeah. If you're done, swing by and you can see what we're buying. I'm at Grant's Appliances. Yes, you know where I am. Yes, you do. I'm right near the big Dick's. The big Dick's! Oh, shut up and get over here already."

- Grant's Appliances, Skokie

-- Submitted by Go

FYI: I've added some feed chicklets on the right under "Important Links and Feeds." If there is another feed site you want me to add, just let me know.

You should talk to the Cubs.

Girl: "Did you touch bases with Steve?"

Guy: "I did touch bases; after I hit that triple down the third base line."

Girl: "What?"

Guy: "Nothing. I'll be sure to touch base with Steve today."

- Ukranian Village Office

-- Submitted by dis guy ova' hee'

Too subtle. Try being a little clearer next time.

Customer: "Do you have cleaning wipes?"

Walgreens Clerk: "Do you mean for cleaning around the house or for cleaning your hands?"

Customer: "Like for wiping your ass after taking a dump."

- Walgreens, Clark and Lake

-- Submitted by Winnie

Thursday, February 22, 2007

Try 72 degrees. Works every time.

Guy: (on cell) "No, no. It's all about the angles. Yeah, like geometry. It enhances the chances of conception."

- University of Chicago

-- Submitted by Ari

Or child support payments.

Man: "I love gardening. Love, love, love gardening."

Woman: "But it's so boring, and it's so much work."

Man: "Yeah, but you're creating life with every little seed that grows. And you don't have to deal with any baby momma."

- Blue Line

-- Submitted by Joaquin

Maybe it was the fish.

Woman: "Yeah. She's learning a whole lot from him. Today, she farted and when I asked her if she has to go to the bathroom, she said, 'No, me, mommy. Fish farted.'"

- Red Line

-- Submitted by Lorraine

Wednesday, February 21, 2007

She seemed consoled and unsatisfied.

Business Man #1: "So then she only orders a tonic, and this chick usually parties, so I ask her whats going on. Well it turns out she is pregnant and the guy wants nothing to do with her."

Business Man # 2: "So what did you do?"

Business Man # 1: "I told her it was okay, I gave her a hug. She said that nobody else had reacted as supportive as I did. So then I slept with her."

- Dunlay's on Clark

-- Submitted by Tracey

They should really rename them "Teenage Whores."

Girl #1: "Look at your shirt! Your boobs are totally flaunting in that."

Girl #2: "Whatever. Your ass looks great in those jeans."

Girl #1: "Just trying to be fashionable. If you have assets, you might as well show them off."

Girl #2: "Oh my God! You know what I just realized? We're totally like the girls on Bratz!"

- North Suburban High School

-- Submitted by KC

Nothing like a dress shirt to show up the other kids.

Woman #1: "They're starting finger painting on Monday, so we need to give her a smock. I don't know what to give her."

Woman #2: "Just give her a Geoffrey Beane shirt. The other parents will be jealous."

- Highland Park

-- Submitted by Theresa

Tuesday, February 20, 2007

That whole "shot in the head thing?" Meaningless now.

Woman #1: "Like, I totally don't get Coinstar. What does it even do? I don't understand."

Woman #2: "I don't know how it works, but who cares? Change isn't real money anyway."

Woman #3: "And how sorry do you feel for Abraham Lincoln?? I mean he is on the worst coin ever!! I mean people don't even want pennies. Like, they would throw them away! They wouldn't even pick them up off the street."

- Illinois Center Elevator

-- Submitted by Ashley

At the wedding, they're serving chocolate covered orange slices. With Benadryl.

Guy: "I'm allergic to chocolate."

Girl: "Oh my God! I'm allergic to citrus and you're allergic to chocolate. It's like the exact same thing!"

- Red Line

-- Submitted by Kim

It also cuts julienne fries.

Woman: "Excuse me. I'm confused. So is the cash machine for credit only?"

- Grant Part Parking Garage

-- Submitted by Anna

Monday, February 19, 2007

Yeah. This is pretty much a CTA driver. A calm one, too.

Parking Attendant: "Stop!"

Bus Driver: "Get out the way! I got people to drive home! YOU AIN'T NO POLICE!"

- 156 Bus

-- Submitted by R

Not even for the sophmore dance?

Woman: (on cell) "No, you can not charge alcohol to the school account."

- Lord and Taylor

-- Submitted by Lattie

Someone is getting grounded when we get home, missy.

Mother: "Look, see the lions?" (Taps on glass enclosure)

Child: "Mom, that sign says not to tap on the glass. "

Mother: "Do you always do everything you're told?"

- Lincoln Park Zoo

-- Submitted by WednesdayGirl

Friday, February 16, 2007

Can't argue with the facts.

Woman: (on cell) "American Idol is so diverse. You've got the drunk host, the foreign one, the black one, and the gay one."

- University Center on Roosevelt

-- Submitted by Yelena

Unless rockets wear socks and pants.

Woman: (on cell) "No! How hard can this be? You pull her socks up and THEN you pull her pants down. It isn't rocket science."

- Metra Milwaukee District North Line

-- Submitted by Trippy

Women. Definitely never catty. Ever.

Woman #1: "She just had the baby last week. His name is Broden."

Woman #2: "Broden?"

Woman #1:" Yeah. Her other kid has some weird name, too."

- Marshall's

-- Submitted by Stephanie

Thursday, February 15, 2007

He was TOTALLY a jerk at the dinner party you weren't invited to.

Woman 1: "Oh! Look at these shoes."

Woman 2: "Ugh. Michael Kors. Don't buy his shoes. I dont like his attitude."

- Lord and Taylor, Water Tower Place

-- Submitted by Rachel

Match made in heaven.

Woman #1: "Get the hell away from me already. Every time you talk you, you creep me out!"

Woman #2: "No I don't. You do."

Woman #1: "What the hell does that even mean? You make stupid people look so much less stupid."

Woman #2: "Yeah? You make stupid people look stupider. Now can I have a ride home?"

- Loyola University

-- Submitted by Clyde

If he knew, he'd laugh.

Woman: (on cell) "Do you think he knows? It was a one time thing, Janette. No, I'm not in love with the guy. It just happened. Losing Jay would be terrible over such a stupid mistake. He's just been so distance. I mean, it was a fluke event. It was meaningless. The dog was in the room watching; how romantic do you think it was?"

- Green Line

-- Submitted by HardyHarHar

Wednesday, February 14, 2007

I know something else that's 102 inches.

Girl: (on cell) "I know! But it could be worse. I heard New York got like 102 inches of snow. What do you mean that's not possible? It was on the news!"

- Lakeview East

-- Submitted by phantomkrishni

It squid served with oil and heart attacks.

Guy 1: "What kind of noodles are those?"

Girl 1: "Linguine."

Guy 1: "I thought Linguine noodles were bigger and flatter. What other kinds of noodles are there?"

Guy 2: "Yeah, those are big and flat. Spaghetti noodles are round. Ravioli's, bowties."

Girl 1: "Angel hair, Tortellini."

Guy 1: "Calamari."

Girl 2: "Squid. Calamari is squid."

Guy 1: "No. Calamari is a noodle. Or is it squid served with pasta?"

- DePaul University

-- Submitted by almostthere2244

Note to inventors: This is a money maker right here.

Man #1: "Shoveling sucked. Every time I shoveled, the wind just blew the shit back on the driveway. I shoveled like 10 times and didn't accomplish anything."

Man #2: "And don't forget the plows. Those bastards have the timing down so they plow the street in front of your driveway the second you finish shoveling."

Man #1: "Seriously. But the snow plows at least help. We need something to stop the wind."

Man #2: "Like wind plows."

- Downtown office

-- Submitted by Jake

Tuesday, February 13, 2007

Scarf: M.I.A.

Girl: "I really wish you'd wear a scarf or something."

Guy: "Why?"

Girl: "Because your going to get pheumonia or something."

Guy: "I can't. Lost my scarf in Vietnam."

- Eaglewood Resort, Itasca

-- Submitted by blaez

It's called doing blow or snorting lines. Dumbass.

Guy: "Hey, Lou! They got a mirror in here so you can watch yourself blowing lines."

- The Full Schillling, Wrigleyville

-- Submitted by Washin' My Hands

That's not really a new religion.

Girl #1: "I'm gonna found a new religion: 'The Church of Spontaneous Annoyances.'"

Girl #2: "Awesome. Just don't be bringing any of your followers up in this mutha'!"

- Dearborn and Goethe

-- Submitted by Worldyland

Monday, February 12, 2007

Football widow's have it easier during the season.

Woman #1: "I mean, he took the Superbowl loss pretty hard, but it's only a game."

Woman #2: "Yeah. But he's passionate about the Bears. You gotta feel for him."

Woman #1: "But he has half the year to do whatever he wants on weekends now, and he just sits there. It's like he's waiting for the game to come back to TV. He just keeps switching channels. Moaning."

Woman #2: "Maybe he's hoping to catch the highlights from the game in his brain."

- Whole Foods, Evanston

-- Submitted by Eclaire

Wrong word, but either way, that's just wrong.

Guy: "So fine then. Go ahead. Just desecrate in your hand and throw it at him."

- Brown Line

-- Submitted by Perdida

Also, Tom just quit.

Supervisor: "Everyone, Tom here just transferred onto our team. He's probably the most technical guy around, so we need to make good use of his knowledge. He's a real tool."

- Downtown Office

-- Submitted by Areia

Friday, February 09, 2007

But your gas mileage will go down.

Guy: (on cell) "How much? For a freaking window? It's a car! Are you crazy? I might as well put bricks in where the window was! Screw seeing! At least they won't be able to break it again!"

- Oakton and Skokie Boulevard, Skokie

-- Submitted by Ralph

So THAT'S where it's been going!

Woman: "Everyday it's the same thing. Open envelope. Take letter out. Unfold letter. Put it in pile. Take pile. Alphabetize. Put in folder. Hand to someone else. I do it for nine hours and then I go home."

Man: "What are all the letters of?"

Woman: "All kinds of stuff. Bills, solicitations, all that stuff. Sometimes, though, there's a free sample for a condom or a porn mag or something. I take that stuff home."

- Blue Line

-- Submitted by Janine

There's a sympathy vote.

Woman #1: "He's just been acting crazy. So we finally took him to the doctor and they said it was a brain tumor."

Woman #2: "That's terrible! How long as he been suffering?"

Woman #1: "They say it's been there for a few years, which is why he's been acting strange. He'd just start yelling and cussing. And it got progressively worse. The doctor says it's the size of a golf ball."

Woman #3: "That still ain't no reason for him to act all stupid and scream and shit."

- South Side Bus Stop

-- Submitted by Laree

Thursday, February 08, 2007

So much for being polite.

Girl: "Stop being such an asshole about it."

Guy: "He wasted way too much of my time. If I wanted to walk through the door on the right, I would have gone to the right. I was going for the door on the left. He held the door open so I had to make a turn and go through the door on the right because I felt obligated. If I do that 10 to 15 times a day, that's time I could spend doing other things."

Girl: "So it cost you 2 seconds? Big frickin' deal. 10 or 15 more times would be what? 20 or 30 seconds? What would you do with that besides have sex 20 or 30 more times."

- Old Orchard Shopping Center

-- Submitted by Crese

That would be wrong...unless you were the Aristocrats.

Guy: (on cell) "Yeah. I was sick Monday, but I'm okay now. No. My kid got it, too. And my wife. I think my sister is sick now, too. Thank god it isn't AIDS. I'd be in hella trouble."

- Metra Big Timber

-- Submitted by John Boy

I think she wants a mama's boy.

Woman: "Aren't you the cutest little thing? How old are you sweetie?"

Little Boy: "I'm not allowed to talk to strangers. Mommy said so."

Woman: "You have a smart mommy."

Little Boy: "Especially girls. Mommy says girls have cooties and other bad diseases."

- Metra South Shore

-- Submitted by Goose

Wednesday, February 07, 2007

Maybe you should have offered liquor.

Guy #1: "But at least I was trying to be nice. I bet no one offered her hot chocolate that day."

Woman: "Maybe she just doesn't like hot chocolate. Maybe she didn't hear you and got mad."

Guy #2: "Maybe she thought you were a sexual freak and said 'hot carlos.'"

- Green Line

-- Submitted by Viper

The water magically disappears.

Woman: "It's zero degree snow, so there's no actual water in it"

- Wooddale office

-- Submitted by Armaghetto

Good thing that heat wave hit.

Woman: "I'm just glad it's not cold like it was earlier. Earlier it was FREEZING!"

- Devon and Lakewood

-- Submitted by Jenniferblaufrau

Tuesday, February 06, 2007

When you want her phone number, use this line. Always impressive.

Dude: "Did I tell you about the time I was rolling on ecstasy in the United Nations Headquarters?"

- Shoe's Pub, Armitage

-- Submitted by Big John

Sometimes people have visceral reactions to the word "poopyface."

Guy: (on cell) "I just don't think it's human possibly to be less of a man right now. No, dude. You got called out by a four year old and you started to cry. YOU CRIED! You don't get to call 'fakies' on that one. You were bawlin' because a kid was talking' smack to you. If I were you, I'd become a hermit monk or something, because next thing you know, a fetus is gonna be wailing on you."

- Red Line

-- Submitted by Cronos

I just get cotton mouth.

Guy #1: "I was just way too hungover. And it sucks that they lost."

Guy #2: "Dude. You were shi-TAY last night. It's like, for every yard Indianapolis got, you had a drink. That's like 12,000 drinks."

Guy #1: "Bro. My head felt like it was a bowl of spaghetti and someone was eating it with a fork."

- Skokie Swift

-- Submitted by Harbeler

Monday, February 05, 2007

I'm ill.

On top of the Bears losing, I've gotten sick. Getting out of bed feels like hell. Updates when I can type without passing out.


Friday, February 02, 2007

Brothels must be getting more health conscious nowadays.

Woman: (on cell) "Honey, I have to warn you. Before I got on the train, I went a little overboard testing stuff out at Bath & Body Works. So I smell like a fruit stand in a whorehouse."

- Red Line

-- Submitted by Spinner


That lesson? Please crash.

Girl #1: "...and then my computer just crashed. Everything is just gone."

Girl #2: "That's such bullshit. Computers can be assholes sometimes."

Girl #1: "Totally assholes."

Girl #2: "You should name your next computer Stupid Asshole Bitchface. That'll teach it a lesson."

- Loyola Campus

-- Submitted by Leslie

"I want to break up" wouldn't have been much classier.

Bears Fan: (on cell) "I'm just letting you know that if the Bears win the Superbowl, I'm sleeping with whatever woman is closest to me. Whether you get mad or not is your problem. You were invited and turned me down. No it's a Bears sex free-for-all. And, hon? I'm rooting for the Bears to win twenty times."

- Green Line

-- Submitted by Poset

Thursday, February 01, 2007

That'll show 'em.

Guy: (on cell) "I just feel like taking my Ipod and smashing it against my face."

- Red Line

-- Submitted by Johan

When regular sexy powers aren't enough.

Guy #1: "But that's not the deal."

Guy #2: "I don't care. Take it or leave it, that's what I'm doing."

Guy #1: "You can't just throw in your own rules. Either you date the supermodel or you get to be invisible for 24 hours. You can't be invisible and hang out with the supermodel at the same time."

Guy #2: "Then I don't want to be invisible. I want super sexy powers."

- Green Line

-- Submitted by Geoff

Because a space heater in the rear is painfree.

Girl #1: "Someone needs to stop this city from being so cold. I can't warm myself up!"

Girl #2: "It's not even that it's cold outside. When you go inside, you can't take your jacket off. "

Girl #1: "We need space heaters up our butts!"

Girl #2: "Or we should just light ourselves on fire."

Girl #1: "That would hurt too much. Let's stick with the space heaters in the butt."

- Morgan's Bar and Grill

-- Submitted by Pack