Thursday, January 31, 2008

Note to self: Visit Honduras

Girl #1: "So I went to Honduras to visit my sister and they all swim naked there."

Girl #2: "Did you get naked?"

Girl #1: "Only topless. I figured if nobody's looking at my cooch, I'm fine with it."

- Blue Line

-- Submitted by Friendofbob

Have you tried a basket?

Girl: "I just don't think I want bananas in the bathtub."

Guy: "Where else would we fit them?"

- Irving Park Bus

-- Submitted by Emilie

Especially so for the baby.

Young Woman: "Late term abortion is really unhealthy for the mother and the baby."

- Red Line

-- Submitted by The Always Amused Aussie

Wednesday, January 30, 2008

How much does that cost?

Girl #1: "Wanna watch American Idol with me?"

Girl #2: "No. You care about who wins WAAAY too much."

Girl #1: "It's an important competition which changes the lives of millions of people."

Girl #2: "Really? Name five. And you can't use any of the 'winners' because only three are worth their weight in feces."

- Loyola University

-- Submitted by Tanya

That's quite irritated.

Guy #1: "My wife just had surgery, so we can't, well, you know."

Guy #2: "What? Make dinner together?"

Guy #1: "No. YOU KNOW."

Guy #2: "Watch TV? Make the bed? Do dishes? Drive a car?"

Guy #1: "Do you now understand why I hate hanging out with you? You irritate me to the point of eye stabbings."

- Potbelly's on Wabash

-- Submitted by KC

There is the possibility...

Guy: "You getting ready to vote?"

Girl: "Yeah. But there are way too many things to vote for. How the hell do you pick all the judges?"

Guy: "I just go with their last names. If they sound Jewish, I vote for them."

Girl: "What if they're not really Jewish?"

Guy: "That's fine. As long as they're not secret Nazi spies, I think we'll be okay."

- Metra South Shore

-- Submitted by Ibam

Tuesday, January 29, 2008

I'm a snuggler.

Hobo: "It's cold and I'm lonely. If you don't give me change, the only way I can warm up is with a hug and a snuggle. Would you rather drop a nickel or wrap your arms around me?"

- Outside Union Station

-- Submitted by Isaac

High Standards

Girl: " we went out for dinner and a movie. Ended up sleeping with him. I can't believe that happened again. I'm such a sucker for appetizers."

- Metra Milwaukee District North Line

-- Submitted by Frankie

Poor usage

Guy #1: " hurt for a while, but when I was on my stomach, I didn't feel a thing."

Guy #2: (slyly) "That's what she said."

Guy #1: "I don't know if I'd advertise that one, pal."

- South Loop

-- Submitted by Kinz

Monday, January 28, 2008


Girl: "Do you ever wonder why you have to go to the bathroom?"

Guy: "No. You go so your body can rid itself of waste."

Girl: "No. I mean why you have to really go to the bathroom. Like, the deeper meaning."

Guy: "What deeper meaning are you looking for? I mean, you know what happens in there, right?"

- Loyola University

-- Submitted by Ramblin' Man

With extra blankies

Guy #1: "That's complete bunk."

Guy #2: "Like the bed?"

Guy #1: "Only if you sleep in beds made of lies and deception."

- Green Line

-- Submitted by Debunker

I don't think it's going to happen

Guy: "I think the Beatles need to do a reunion tour."

- #54 Bus

-- Submitted by Frank

Thursday, January 24, 2008

You actually have three.

Guy #1: "You look like you're getting a double chin."

Guy #2: "Excuse me!?!?!"

Guy #1: "I mean that as a compliment."

Guy #2: "I'm sorry, but can you pleeeease tell me how saying that I have a double chin is a compliment?"

- Red Line

-- Submitted by KCTobin

What's the plan?

Girl: "...I figure this way, I won't get herpes."

- Water Tower Place

-- Submitted by Luis

The coffee is only 4 bucks?

Guy: "There's actually a better Starbucks across the street from that Starbucks."

- Wacker and Monroe

-- Submitted by Ivy

Wednesday, January 23, 2008

It's the in thing.

Guy: "How many popsicle have you eaten?"

Girl: "Six."

Guy: "How many are in the box?"

Girl: "Twelve. But they're only 15 calories per popsicle."

Guy: "Yeah, but you can't replace real meals with popsicles."

Girl: "Cooking is for suckers. Iced foods is where it's at."

- Lincoln Park

-- Submitted by RO


Girl #1: "I'm so sick of watching all these kid shows have the one token retarded kid. What is that about?"

Girl #2: "They have to have one. Kind of like the one Asian kid."

Girl #1: "At least the Asian kid can dance. The slow kid just kind of stands there, shuffling his feet, wondering what the hell is going on."

Girl #2: "And getting paid handsomely for it."

- Loyola

-- Submitted by ReAnn


Guy: "Most people say my hands are massive. I prefer grotesquely big."

- Orange Line

-- Submitted by Telly

Tuesday, January 22, 2008

Not high tech enough.

Guy: "No. You're going to get some pistachio pudding mix and some Skinny Cow ice cream."

Girl: "I'm not getting the pudding. I can't cook at my place."

Guy: "What do you have to cook? Get instant pudding."

Girl: "I don't have a blender!"

Guy: "A blender?! What the hell are you talking about? You need a bowl, some milk, and your finger."

Girl: "I don't have a bowl."

Guy: "How is it that you have an R2D2, but not a god damn bowl?!"

- Lakeview

-- Submitted by Dizzy

Maybe you shouldn't live with him

Girl: (on cell) "So you are going to live with him for three weeks? Your vagina is going to bleed so much!"

- Northwestern

-- Submitted by Skuggo

Ba dum, chhh.

Airline Passenger: "I'm on a flight to london and I would like to be upgraded to business class. I just had surgery and I need to give myself an enema. I have a doctors note."

Ticket Agent: "Our airline is pretty anal about giving free upgrades."

- O'Hare

-- Submitted by Sheri

Monday, January 21, 2008

That's illegal in, like, 42 states.

Man: (on cell) "I'm telling you, Aquafina, Evian, Dasani; they have nothing compared to the Brita filter. I mean, I would open the fridge and fuck the filter if I could."

- Randolph and Michigan

-- Submitted by BluXBluShld

It's catchy.

Guy #1: "I can't stop singing the damn Doodle Bops song!"

Guy #2: "Have you tried punching yourself in the nuts?"

- Red Line

-- Submitted by Cluey

Must have been an important event

Woman: (yelling on cellphone) "Lori! LORI! Lori, Lori! Can you hear me? You don't have to make the sno cones tonight! THE SNO CONES! Lori, the sno cones! You don't have to make them tonight! SNO CONES! I am not coming over! My stomach got sick and I'm going to Northwestern. I got sick in the bathroom. I am going to the ER! So we will have the sno cones another time! Okay?!"

- 147 Bus

-- Submitted by Jackie

Thursday, January 17, 2008


Election Judge: "Oh, this is your first time? Did your mom school you on how to vote?"

Mother: "No, I raised my daughter to think for herself!" turns to daughter, "but if you vote republican I will smack you!"

- Elgin Early Voting

-- Submitted by Sara Jo

Sound rationale

Guy #1: "DUDE! Can you wash your dishes?"

Guy #2: "Of course I can. I just don't want to."

Guy #1: "Seriously. They're stinking up the joint."

Guy #2: "If I wash them, it'll force me to eat on them again, and I'm trying to lose weight. Do you want me to be the fattest guy in the suite?"

- Northwestern

-- Submitted by Suitemate

That's quite a trick

Bum: "Excuse me, sirs, I'd like to earn a hot dog. I'm not begging. I'd like to earn a hot dog. I bet you that if you tell me your names I can tell you your daddy's name and the name of his kids."

- Randolph

-- Submitted by Raggle Fraggle

Wednesday, January 16, 2008

In case of emergency, blow this whistle.

Girl #1: "Sometimes I wish my brain would work faster than my mouth."

Girl #2: "That's easy to do."

Girl #1: "Yeah?"

Girl #2: "Yeah. Just shut the hell up whenever you feel like talking."

- Loyola

-- Submitted by Ramblin' Man

Which holds the insurance card.

Guy: "I'm so tired, I think I may pass out on the drive home."

Girl: "That sounds safe. Why don't you take the train?"

Guy: "If I pass out in my car, insurance covers most everything. If I pass out on the train, I may lose my wallet."

- Chase Building

-- Submitted by Anton

He's important

El recording: "Jarvis is next. In the direction of travel, doors open on the left at Jarvis."

El recording: "Now approaching Jarvis. Doors open on the left at Jarvis."

Little Girl: "Why does everybody keep talkin' 'bout Jarvis for?"

- Red Line

-- Submitted by Erin

Tuesday, January 15, 2008

Wow. Just. Wow.

Guy #1: "Weekend plan?"

Guy #2: "Wedding?"

Guy #3: "How about a funeral?"

Guy #2: "Why would you go to a funeral?"

Guy #3: "You'd have the same success rate as going to a wedding, except your targets would just be a little more sad. Someone's gotta comfort the ladies."

Guy #1: "I think you've hit an all time low. For humanity."

- Village Tap

-- Submitted by Groove

Hard to get out of this one.

Guy: "Well the suckiest part was that I was dreaming that I got up and went to the bathroom. Next thing I know, I wake up all wet and my wife is wondering why her leg is warm."

- Red Line

-- Submitted by Cowboy

Golly, mister.

Bum: "Hey, you. Yeah, you. The whippersnapper. Spare some change, would ya?"

- Roosevelt and State

-- Submitted by Dave

Monday, January 14, 2008

They'll call you.

Interviewer: "What are your long term goals within the company?"

Interviewee: "I'd like to be sitting in your chair."

Interviewer: "Those are lofty goals. How do you think you'll get here?"

Interviewee: "I don't know. Lots of butt kissing and well-planned blackmail? How did you do it?"

- 333 W. Wacker

-- Submitted by Group Interviewer #2

That's being kind

Professor: "Astrology is the absentminded sister of Astronomy."


-- Submitted by Katie

Rat Steak?

(Class teaching teens to balance a checkbook)

Cheap Professor: "See, just enter the payment amount and subtract. You can practice with my wife's grocery receipt from last week."

Student: "You only spent $40? What do you guys live off of?"

Cheap professor (appalled): "$40!? Gosh. We must have had steak that week."


-- Submitted by April

Thursday, January 10, 2008

Valid conclusion

Girl: "If I ever see that dog again, I'm going to punt it. It always just sits there, growling and frothing at the mouth. I love animals and all, but if that dog thinks he's getting into my pants, he's got another thing coming."

- Viand

-- Submitted by Alex

Or directions to the mental hospital.

Guy #1: "STOP!"

Guy #2: "What? What's wrong?"

Guy #1: "You almost stepped on that paper. What if there was something important on there like a treasure map or a brief look into the future?"

- Indiana and Roosevelt

-- Submitted by Red

Are you staying in rooms of gold?

Guy: "I don't want to be rich, I just want to have enough money to travel around the world for the rest of my life."

Girl: "How much do you think you'll need?"

Guy: "About 2 millions dollars."

- Salt and Pepper Diner

-- Submitted by Sickly

Wednesday, January 09, 2008

At least it isn't his fault.

Guy: "What's going on?"

Girl: "Fuck off."

Guy: "PMS, eh?"

Girl: "Yeah. PMS, dipshit. Nevermind the fact that you're a total asshole. I can't be mad at you without my body getting ready for my vagina to bleed."

- Loyola

-- Submitted by Tres


Drunk Guy #1: "All I'm saying is that the anus is not a forgiving hole, it should not be forced. That's not what it's meant for."

Drunk Guy #2: "Yeah... but.."

Drunk Guy #1: "But the mouth, now that is a hole that was designed for it."

- Hamilton's Bar

-- Submitted by Apeface

Slow down, Batman.

Guy #1: "I say we sue them."

Guy #2: "Forget it. Just let it die."

Guy #1: "No. We're going to sue them. This is horseshit."

Guy #2: "It's a freaking french fry. Leave it alone."

Guy #1: "IT'S GREEN! This is obvioulsy an attempt to poison us. I'm going to take this down to the lab right now!"

- McDonald's on State

-- Submitted by Christopher

Tuesday, January 08, 2008

Seems normal, right?

Girl: "How nourishing is blood?"

Guy: "If you drink it?"

Girl: "As opposed to?"

Guy: "As opposed to nothing. What the hell kind of question is that?"

Girl: "I'm not going to start murdering people or anything. I was just thinking about some random stuff."

- Loyola

-- Submitted by Potato Sack

Uhm. Did you know you were at Excalibur?

Girl #1: "I'm not going back in there."

Girl #2: "Yes you are."

Girl #1: "No, I'm not. The guys keep leering at me."

Girl #2: "Isn't that why we go out in the first place?"

Girl #1: "No. This isn't the 'Cocktease Club.' I just want to hang out, look sexy, and enjoy my night. I DID NOT want to be a piece of meat."

- Outside Excalibur

-- Submitted by Jenny

I think there's a simple explanation...

Guy: (on cell) "Why is it everytime you go out, you end up wondering why you have an STD?"

- Orange Line

-- Submitted by Quan

Monday, January 07, 2008

That's not going to help in everyday conversation

Girl #1: " teach me something."

Girl #2: "No. I hate when people ask me to teach things."

Girl #1: "Come on, just one thing."

Girl #2: (says something in her language)

Girl #1: "What does that mean?"

Girl #2: "1,2,3,4, suck my dick."

- UIC Dorms

-- Submitted by Blare

Let his people go!

Father: "David! come back to ancient Egypt!"

- Field Museum

-- Submitted by AJ

I find duct tape does the trick.

Woman: "My back really hurts."

Man: "I'm sorry, hon. We'll go to the doctor this afternoon."

Woman: "You said that this morning! Why can't we just go now! My back really, really, really hurts."

Man: "Not enough to shut you up, though, huh?"

- Grant Park

-- Submitted by Cabbie John

Friday, January 04, 2008

This is the stupidest saying in Chicago.

Guy #1: "It's cold, man."

Guy #2: "Yeah, it's super cold. But it's Chicago. If you wait five minutes, the weather will change."

Guy #1: "Really, dumbass? Because 5 minutes ago it was fucking cold, too. I'll bet you a million dollars that in 5 more minutes, it'll still be fucking freezing."

Guy #2: "I was just sayin' is all."

- Red Line

-- Submitted by Carlos

Or annoyingly laugh until you punch him in his stupid face.

Guy#1 "Hey look, its a Pee Wee Herman Doll!"

Guy #2 "Maybe if you pull the string he'll jerk himself off."

- Northwestern University

-- Submitted by The Italian Pirate

It's kind of like buffalo wings.

Woman: "Hot sauce on bread? We ain't that poor!"

- Metra North Central Line

-- Submitted by Trying to Nap Unsuccessfully

Wednesday, January 02, 2008

Yeah, lady. It's a real life crisis.

Woman: "Where are your cross-country skis? I only see downhill."

Employee: "Oh, we don't have cross country this year, we opened too late to have them, but we will next year. Our other stores have them."

Woman: "You should be ashamed of yourselves."

Employee: "I'm sorry."

Woman: "Well, that doesn't help my five year old."

- REI, Schaumburg

-- Submitted by Shamed and Abused

But it doesn't make your tip go down.

Girl #1: "That's horrible."

Flamboyant waiter: "Oh my god! Is something wrong with your drink?"

Girl #1: "No, it's fine."

Girl #2: "She was just saying that I'm horrible."

Waiter: "Well that's not very nice either."

- Cheesecake Factory

-- Submitted by Maria

It's all about goals, ladies, and cheese is a lofty one.

Woman #1: "I know he's hot, but he sells cheese for a living. I just broke up with a guy in a band who works in a coffee shop. I'm thinking I need to set my sights higher this time."

Woman #2: "Life time supply of gouda, that's all I'm saying."

Woman #1: "Cheese. Jesus, why can't a guy in a suit fall in love with me?"

- Red Line

-- Submitted by Lauren