Wait. What the hell comes after breath out?!

Guy #1: "I just need help finding tickets is all."

Guy #2: "Everyone needs help finding tickets. It's not like they're readily available at face value."

Guy #1: "But this is the Bears. In the Super Bowl!"

Guy #2: "Oh. It's not the Icecapades? How do you manage to remember how to breath?"

Guy #1: "I use mantras."

- State and Lake

-- Submitted by Carly

Intercom's don't have a race, silly.

CTA intercom: "I can fine you for eating on the train. I can't come back there and kick you off, but please be respectful of the other passengers and don't leave trash on the ground."

Girl: "Oh yeah? I'd like him to come back here. God, I fuckin' hate white people."

- Red Line

-- Submitted by B

Order the Valtrex now.

Guy: (on cell) "No, Katie. That's wonderful. That's exactly how I was hoping to start my year off. Move in together? Stupid. Marriage? No way. I get to find out my girlfriend has fucking herpes. Awesome."

- Purple Line Platform, Howard

-- Submitted by John

They almost put me down for breaking my wrist once.

Man: "Did you hear about Barbaro?"

Woman: "Who? Who's Barbaro?"

Man: "He won the Kentucky Derby and then broke his leg in the next race. They tried to fix it, but they ended up euthanizing him."

Woman: "I thought it was illegal to euthanize people. (pause) Ooooh. He's the horse."

- Metra Big Timber

-- Submitted by She-ra

Next time, consider it a tip.

Cashier: "That'll be $4.16."

Man hands her money.

Cashier: "No, sir. $4.16. You don't need to hand me two $50 bills."

Man in line: "If he don't want it, I'll take it. I need me some more drinky drinky."

- Walgreens on the South Side

-- Submitted by Regan

She COULD be blaming you for all the wars in world.

Guy: (on cell) "What? I AM SPEAKING ENGLISH! What are you smoking, Ma?? Ok. I'm gonna let you go drink some more."

Guy: (to friend) "Dude. She's trying to act like my mom. Asking me where I am and shit. She's drunk."

- Blue Line

-- Submitted by GG

Dear Kevin. You just lost to a battery. Good job.

College girl: "Katie and I went to Lovers Lane last week. It was pretty much amazing!"

Friend: "Oh yeah? Did either of you buy anything?"

College girl: "Well I didn't, but Katie did. About an hour after playing with her toys, she went upstairs and dumped Kevin."

- University Center on State

-- Submitted by Maria

- Don't forget to check out the blog!

That's a helluva uterus.

Guy: "Excuse me. You have some whore on your face."

Girl: "Excuse me. You have some misogynist on yours."

Guy: "Is that even a word?"

Girl: "You're just jealous because my uterus opresses you."

- Red Line

-- Submitted by anonymous

Good makeup would have saved you the pain.

Girl #1: "Well, yeah, I had to take a bunch of family photos once. I would have liked to avoid that."

Girl#2: "Why didn't you ask someone to punch you in the face?"

Girl#1: "I don't know. I guess I never thought of it!"

- Red Line

-- Submitted by Passenger

Dude. She just called you uglier than Karl Marx

Male Student: "I feel like all I'm doing is working or working so I can work in the future... I feel Marx would have something to say about that."

Female Student: "At least Marx would have someone attractive to have sex with."

- University of Chicago

-- Submitted by Anonymous

Interesting Theory.

Guy #1: "...and if one more old guy or ancient broad cuts me off one more f'ing time, I swear I will end them. Not only do they cut you off, they go 30 miles under the speed limit."

Guy #2: "So if it's 25, they're going -5?"

Guy #1: "Shut up, dick. But seriously. I'm going to kill the next mother fucker that pulls that shit on me."

Guy #2: "Do you ever think that maybe that's their plan? Maybe there's a conspiracy of old people trying to get killed by road ragers like you. They don't have a lot of money. Not a lot for their family. This way, you kill them, get sued, their estate wins money, and they don't die of like Parkinson's or something. Everyone wins!"

- Loyola University

-- Submitted by Crass Lass

You mean attaboy. Right? Right?!

Lesbian #1: "I was looking around earlier and I noticed something. My dad had kind of a schlumpfy suit, and the other cousins were in khakis and blazers. Even the husband was in jeans and a sweatshirt zippy jacket. So I hope you noticed, I was the best-dressed man at the funeral."

Lesbian #2: "Attagirl."

- Lakeview

-- Submitted by Anonymous

Oh yeah, smartie? What about ONE week from today.

Suburban Mom: "I need an appointment 3 weeks from today. What day of the week is that?"

Receptionist: "That'd be a Tuesday. It's the 28th."

Suburban Mom: "Oh, shoot. I can't do the 28th. I'll be out of town, I'll have to come back when we get back from Florida. Well then, what is 5 weeks from today?"

Receptionist: "That's the 14th."

Suburban Mom: "What day of the week is that?"

Receptionist: "Ma'am, no matter if you do 100 weeks from today, Tuesday, or you go four weeks, It's always going to be a Tuesday!"

- Northwest Suburban Salon

-- Submitted by Chris

Yes. It's because of men.

Woman: (on cell) "He says all women are crazy. Hell yeah, we're crazy! Have you tried dating men? It makes me wish I were insane so some of it might make sense to me!"

- Sears Tower

-- Submitted by It's A Secret

We're also good for blogs.

Woman: "Ask your nerd friends. Nerd friends are good for something, like, you might as well get them to fix your computer."

- Loop Law Office

-- Submitted by Law Clerk

Or a trailing line of a wives.

Lesbian #1: "Thanks for getting my suit cleaned. I was really afraid of being underdressed."

Lesbian #2: "And the white shirt does look good, even though you do look a little like a Mormon missionary. Except there's no name tag."

- Lakeview

-- Submitted by anonymous

The slap heard 'round the world.

Woman: "I'm not that far along, but maternity pants are super comfortable."

Man: "Excellent."

Woman: "They don't look too baggy, do they?"

Man: "Don't worry, hon. You'll grow into them."

- Old Orchard Shopping Center

-- Submitted by Gray

Come to think of it, my uvula hurts too.

Girl: "I just don't feel well."

Guy: "Well, what did you eat?"

Girl: "I don't think it's my stomach. I think my uterus hurts."

- Brown Line

-- Submitted by Power Player

Your lack of Clamato knowledge does NOT make up for your balaclava knowledge.

Guy: "It's time like these I wish I had a balaclava."

Girl: "Wait, what's 'clava?'"

Guy: "No, a balaclava. Like those things you wear to cover your face when it's cold."

Girl: "Oh. I thought you said 'a bottle of clava,' and I didn't know what 'clava' was. I thought maybe it was like Clamato."

Guy: "Like what? Clam and guava?"

- Wiggly Field dog park

-- Submitted by Wrigley and Shaft

I don't feel sorry for him either. GO BEARS!

Bears Fan #1: "I'm just saying, they better keep him as a coach and pay him."

Bears Fan #2: "He's the best thing we've had since Ditka. They'll keep him."

Bears Fan #1: "They better. He's the lowest paid coach in the league. I know he's not making a fuss and all, but that's not cool. We're the Bears."

Bears Fan #2: "A, THEY are the Bears. B, you aren't shit except a guy who sits in the stands three times a year and screams while getting drunk. C, I only WISH I was the lowest paid coach in the league. So fuck you."

- Outside Soldier Field

-- Submitted by NFC Champs (The entire Chicago Bears submitted that? Sweet.)

It seems like such a wonderful relationship.

Woman: (on cell) "My whole world is just collapsing. He just up and left. I don't know where he's going, I don't know where he's been. He won't call or anything. I know he is. He's a huge asshole. It doesn't matter if he hasn't worked in two years. Yes, I know I've been supporting him. No, it doesn't matter that he never does anything at home. Yes, mother, I know he's basically worthless, but I love him, and that's really all that matters."

- Metra Milwaukee District North Line

-- Submitted by Tommy

The Bears kicked the crap out of the Saints. In 2007.

Guy #1: "Oh man. Oh MAN! I can't wait. This is going to be freaking spectacular! SUPER BOOOOWL! WHOOOOOOOO!"

Guy #2: "Yeah. Miami, here we come. SUPER BOWL! BEEAAARRRS!"

Guy #1: "Forget that. I'm talking Super Bowl Shuffle. Iron Lovie Smith. Sweetness Thomas Jones. The Industrial Refrigerator Alphonso Boone. Mama's Boy Hunter. It's '85 all over again baby."

Guy #2: "If we weren't in public, I would be punching your drunk ass in the face."

Guy #1: "Ditka-style?"

- Outside Soldier Field after the Bears WON THE NFC CHAMPIONSHIP!

-- Submitted by #1 Bears Fan

I don't know if you heard, but the Bears beat the crap out of the Saints.

Guy #1: "When it was 16-0, I was all about the Bears. Then it was 16-14, and I was all about the Saints. Then the Bears started kicking ass, so I was all about the Bears. I knew they were going to win. I just like sweatin' myself."

Guy #2: "Fuck off."

- ESPN Zone

-- Submitted by Mini

And, finally, she destroyed what was left of his manhood.

Girl: "Look! 'Aerobics for Dummies,' 'Exercise for Dummies.' Oh! 'Sex for Dummies!' You need that, honey."

- Borders, Schaumburg

-- Submitted by Kevin

Someone needs a hug from dad.

Woman: (on cell) "You know I love you baby. You know it. Yeah I am. Mmm, yeah. I want to be your whore baby. I want you to give me that money so I can do those naughty things. Yeah. I'm a whore. You want this whore? Uh...I have to go. People are looking at me."

- Purple Line

-- Submitted by Rider

Check out the blog on myspace. Send it to everyone you know.

I wonder who the teacher is....found him!

Student: "It's this really poignant film. Very heartbreaking, about a teacher who's addicted to crack."

Professor: "Oh. So is it a comedy?"

- Master's level class at Loyola University

-- Submitted by potokat

Cold? This is like summer!

Girl: (on cell) "Ooo, it's so cold. Ooo, I can't feel my toes. They're going to fall off! Oooooo!"

- Adams and LaSalle

-- Submitted by True Chicagoan

Dinner must be absolutely disgusting.

Guy: (on cell) "There is no way in hell I'm eating that. I'd rather eat fetuses than that shit."

- Union Station

-- Submitted by 543

Meow.

Girl #1: "Do you ever have those dreams where something is coming to get you and you just can't get away? I had one of those dreams last night and it scared the hell out of me. This clown kept chasing me with a knife and I just couldn't get away from him. No matter how fast I ran or how many doors I locked behind me, he was right there."

Girl #2: "Yeah, I have those. But mine usually involve fluffy cats. Freaky."

- Pink Line

-- Submitted by Kate the Great

You don't know until you try.

Girl: "I tried sedatives, but it wouldn't make the flu go away. So I just slept."

Guy: "For how long, a week?"

- Dominican University

-- Submitted by Claire

But they teach moral values. Moral values!!!!

Woman: (on cell) "No, dear, it's not going to go away. It's been a problem and I don't know what I'm going to do. No, you aren't helping. You never help. All you do is quote movies like I'm supposed to learn some lesson. Half the time, I don't even know which damn movie you're quoting. I know you're trying, but spewing lines from 'Wedding Crashers' AND 'Fried Green Tomatoes' doesn't exactly help in these situations."

- Blue Line

-- Submitted by Harry

One guy is a liar. The other...delusional.

Bum: "Hey trixie. Got another cigarette?"

Girl: "Sure. Need a light?"

Passerby: "Holy shit! A woman in Chicago who's not a gold digger!"

Bum: "If I'd met one thirty years ago, I wouldn't be livin' on the street!"

- Halsted

-- Submitted by Krishni

No, no, no, no. Well. Yes.

Girl: (watching a Spanish movie) "Wait a minute! This ENTIRE movie is in Spanish?!"

- AMC 30, Barrington

-- Submitted by potokat

Or chickens our of, uh, chicken.

Girl: "You just shouldn't be eating it, that's all."

Guy: "Stop pushing your PETA values on me, woman."

Girl: "Don't you care about the animals? Poor cows being killed just so you can eat?"

Guy: "Whatever. If God didn't want you to eat cows, he wouldn't have made them out of juicy steaks. "

- Red Line

-- Submitted by Gary

Sounds kinky.

Girl: (on cell) "Did I tell you I got the balls for Foxy?"

- 180 N. Wabash

-- Submitted by Lone Wolf Cub

Did you hear the one about the Polish guy who was a war hero?

Girl #1: "Did you know they don't celebrate Pulaski Day in Arkansas?"

Girl #2: "Really? What did he do again?"

Girl #1: "All I know is that he was Polish."

- Metra Southwest Service Line

-- Submitted by 10withamop

There's an act in Congress now to call it "Oy-giving."

Guy #1: "You leave her alone! She's married to an M.O.T.!"

Woman: "What's an M.O.T.?"

Guy #1: "A member of the tribe. A Jew. That's what we call each other."

Woman: "I don't get it. What tribe? Like Native Americans?"

Guy #2: "Yeah. Native Americans. Jews are all Apaches."

- 200 N. LaSalle Street

-- SUbmitted by Meecha

Because the power button was just too much.

Woman #1: "Did you see Bush on the television yesterday? I'm so sick of him. Thinking he's so high and mighty."

Woman #2: "All he's trying to do is be a better man than his father; not that that's so hard."

Woman #1: "But did you hear him? More troops, less casualties, blah blah blah. It's always the same."

Woman #2: "I saw it on television, but I put it on the Spanish station, so I wouldn't be able to understand him. He's funny when he speaks Spanish."

- Metra Milwaukee District North Line

-- Submitted by Zach

You could just delete them, you know.

Guy: (on cell) "How many times do I have to ask you to take me off your damn list? HOW MANY TIMES? I'm not going to be in Los Angeles! I'm not an actor! And I'm NOT going to pay you to try out for some bit part in your shitty local play! I HOPE YOU PEOPLE FALL INTO ACID!"

- 1 N. Michigan

-- Submitted by Karznick

Quite a predicament.

Man #1: "It's ALL about the color. If I paint it green, it's too outdoorsy. Blue, too much like the sky. Yellow is too bright for a bathroom. Black is too dark. White is lame. Orange is bursting but do I want it in a bathroom? Red is gorgeous, but not bathroomy. Pink would just be gay."

Man #2: "Yeah. Pink would be gay. Forget everything else you said, it's all about pink being gay. Dumbass."

- Home Depot, Evanston

-- Submitted by Xuxu

There is no stronger bond than love.

Man: (on cell) "No. Do not pay him. NO! He didn't do what we asked and he will not get his money. If you pay him, you are weak, and I no longer want to be married to you. Ever."

- Mayfair Metra Station

-- Submitted by Artie

Don't worry. If he's normal, he won't care.

Girl: "It's not the fact that I slept with him that upsets me. It's the fact that someone told him the next morning."

- DePaul Levan Center

-- Submitted by Blue Demoness

Every office has that guy.

Woman #1: "When are they going to fire him?"

Woman #2: "I don't think ever. He just comes in, stares at the ceiling all day and leaves."

Woman #1: "I'd say he gave the boss a little action, but Lord knows Sally wouldn't touch that guy."

Woman #2: "What's the matter, sweetie? You don't find short, obese, pimply, smelly, dirty, poorly dressed men attractive?"

- Boeing Building

-- Submitted by Leonard

At least they're running.

Guy: "Everyday I take the same train. Everyday I see the same people. They calmly walk to the train station. Pay the machine for parking. Read their paper. Whatever. We get on the train. No panic. No rush. They're chill. When the P.A. says 'Union Station,' it's like someone just lit them on fire. They get up and have to be the first ones to the door. Once they get off the train, they literally sprint to the stairs, get out of the station and run to work. What the hell is that? It's not a rat race. It's an idiot race."

- Outside of Union Station

-- Submitted by Carlo

How considerate.

Woman #1: "I'm so glad I got this trick so I could get out of Albuquerque for a few days."

Woman #2 (hunched over the toilet): "I know what you mean..."

*vomits*

Woman #2: "I'm so sorry, ladies! I have a really low alcohol tolerance. I'll try to be as quiet and inoffensive as possible."

- Miller's Pub

-- Submitted by Bunny

But you work it off, right?

Gym Buff #1: "Hurry up. We don't have a ton of time."

Gym Buff #2: "I'm not the one who needed a 10 gallon grande mocha choca loca whatever the hell you're drinking from Starbuck's."

Gym Buff #1: "But it's tasty."

Gym Buff #2: "Nothing says great workout like consuming trans fat before the gym."

- Bally's on Dempster and Waukegan

-- Submitted by Mole

Sadly true.

Guy #1: "There's definitely a way to tell who all the Jews on the North Shore are."

Guy #2: "Yeah. The long beard and black hat."

Guy #1: "No. The 'I'm orthodox but not wearing the black hat because I'm in the business world' Jew. They're always teh gus with the beard, button down shirt, dress pants, and a Cubs hat on."

- Highland Park

-- Submitted by Herv

No Target? NO TARGET?! Well, I NEVER!

Woman: "They don't have any good stuff over there in New York. Like, they don't have Target. All the Targets are out in New Jersey."

- Red Line

-- Submitted by Anne

Nothing says calm like the Korean War, Black Panthers, Vietnam, and Hippies.

TV Watcher #1: "The Apprentice, this new Grease show, American Idol. It's all crap. There hasn't been a good, morally valuable show on TV in ages."

TV Watcher #2: "Maybe it's because people don't look to the television for their values anymore. I don't remember thinking, 'Man. If I were Theo, what would Heathcliff Huxtable be saying to me right now?' Being enthralled with their pathetic lives is not the same as holding them up as heroes. Even teen girls will realize Britney and Paris are worthless in a few years."

TV Watcher #1: "Horse crap. If they still had Leave It To Beaver, Happy Days, Father Knows Best, and all those other shows on, we'd still be in that kind of calm. THOSE were morale builders."

- Red Line

- Submitted by Wendy

Taking it to the extreme, aren't we?

Teen Boy #1: "We should ride this all the way to the end of the line and go through some ghetto neighborhood."

Teen Boy #2: "Yeah, like that one time we did our 'gangsta ghetto neighborhood tour.'"

Teen Boy #1: "Yeah, man! Let's go somewhere REALLY ghetto this time. Like Forest Park!"

- Blue Line

-- Submitted by Bunny

Salt + Alcohol = Good hydration.

Guy #1: "No way. That's stupid. Why wouldn't you take seeds, or crops, or water, or something?"

Guy #2: "But it's the truth nonetheless. Me, on a deserted island, with 5000 buffalo wings, 100 cases of beer, and a hottie? I could live for at least 6 weeks."

- Franklin and Lake

-- Submitted by Grumps

Move over Picasso

Woman #1: "Sometimes they come in 15 minutes early or 20 and I have to be prepared."

Woman #2: "So what do you do?"

Woman #1: "The first thing I do is make the coffee. That way, when they come in, they're happy and relaxed. I can go then go about my day."

Woman #2: "You're truly an artist."

- Blue Line

-- Submitted by Jumanji

At least it wasn't your tongue

Guy: (on cell) "..and there were no seats on the train so I stood in the well. But it was like I started an epidemic. All these people just crowded in there and it was terrible. The girl next to me smelled like she bathed in vomit and the guy in front of me put his stinky butt right in my face. Do people not remember how to shower and keep clean? It was like my nose had sabotaged and betrayed me."

- Outside of Union Station

-- Submitted by Chris

But writing them is totally super.

Girl: "Well, yeah. I mean. I'm a writer, but i don't like to read books."

- Brown Line

-- Submitted by Jess

Yogurt is to cauliflower as cheese is to ?

Guy: "No. Go get me some broccoli."

Little Girl: "This one dad?"

Guy: "No, sweetie. That's cheese. It's kind of like broccoli, but not exactly the same thing."

Stranger: "Kind of like broccoli? So my kraft singles can just get thrown in stir fry, then?"

- Dominick's, Greektown

-- Submitted by Dail

But we can do it to some mad tunes!

Guy: (whispers in girls ear)

Girl: "If you want to have sex, that's fine. But I WILL NOT fuck you on the dance floor. I'm not a whore."

- Excalibur

-- Submitted by Jeanne

He said big, not hippo.

Guy: "There's two things I look for in a woman. A pretty smile and a big ass."

Gal: "A pretty smile I understand, but a big ass? Do you want to focus on both at the same time?"

- Green Line

-- Submitted by Herva

Hopefully, he has to wait until the Super Bowl is over.

Guy: "Where'd you get that paper?"

Lady: "From that guy over there. He's giving them away and no one is really taking them."

Guy: "Probably because he looks like he wants something from you in return, like your wallet."

Lady: "Yeah. He looks like he could eat a bear."

Guy: "Yeah, a live one."

- 2 North Riverside

-- Submitted by Kyle

Liar. I STILL have tonsillitis.

Teen Guy #1: "You wanna know how to get rid of it?"

Teen Girl: "Yeah!"

Teen Guy #1: "See, you take the back of a spoon and you put it right up against your neck and you just hold it there for a while. It totally goes away."

Teen Guy #2: "And that works? I never heard of that."

Teen Guy #1: "Yeah, it totally works. Try it."

Teen Girl: "Ok."

Teen Guy #1: "And if it doesn't, dude, just wear a turtleneck!"

- Red Line

-- Submitted by Michelle

And doing it honestly.

Woman: (on cell) "Aw, baby. I miss you too. Yes. I'm in my room at the Drake, about to go to bed. I'll be thinking about you too. Can't wait to get home for some loving. Okay, night.

Friend: "What are you doing in here?"

Woman: "Lying."

- Bathroom at Kitty O'Shea's

-- Submitted by Deweybug