It'd be the 20's. And he'd have to be a woman.

Bulls Fan #1: "Joakim Noah?! JOAKIM NOAH!? Of all the crappy..."

Bulls Fan #2: "It's not that bad. He's a proven winner. Two rings in college and the star of the team?"

Bulls Fan #1: "Look at what that douchebag is wearing. He's going to be one of two things in the NBA: A goofy doofus who can't score or one of those guys who flops around for loose balls and never gets any, but burns 5 or 6 timeouts a game just trying."

Bulls Fan #2: "I like his bowtie. The man's got style."

Bulls Fan #1: "For a 1950's flapper."

- Buffalo Wild Wings, Niles

-- Submitted by Yummy

A father's dilemma.

Mom: (fixing young girls hair) "Does her ponytail look okay?"

Dad: "I have trouble putting her hairclips in without stabbing her in the head. I have no idea if it looks right."

- Purple Line

-- Submitted by Piglet

It's like drinking donuts.

Girl #2: "I want to go to Jamba Juice."

Girl #1: "Noooo! You have to hold on to your thinspiration, remember? "

Girl #2: "But it's healthy stuff in there. I can have fiber!"

Girl #1: "Becca, they put all kinds of sugar and flour in that stuff. It's for obese people who want to pretend that they're being healthy. Besides, you just ate on Thursday!"

- In front of the Hancock Tower

-- Submitted by Spike

Next time, just assume.

Guy #1: "Welcome back! I'm sorry to hear about your aunt."

Girl: "It's okay. Sometimes it's better this way."

Guy #2: "Oh my god. Did your aunt pass?"

Girl: "No. She won the lottery, braniac."

- Metra Milwaukee District North

-- Submitted by Quirky

And his ugly friend.

Woman #1: "He's cute."

Woman #2: "Except for his face. And hair. And clothes."

Woman #1: "Are we looking at the same guy?"

Woman #2: "Yeah. The cute guy over there."

- The Hunt Club

-- Submitted by Maria

Do you have to pay for the cuddling?

Homeless Guy: "I don't need cash for booze or food, folks. No. Not me. Every man needs a companion. I'm looking to buy a puppy. They're loyal, friendly, and cuddle with you longer than a hooker."

- LaSalle and Erie

Wait. MySpace pictures aren't true representations?!

Girl: "Where did you meet her again?"

Guy: "On MySpace."

Girl: "And you decided a date was a good idea?"

Guy: "Yeah. It's a social network and I was socially networking."

Girl: "Based on pictures and instant messages?"

Guy: "And a phone call."

Girl: "Oh. Well, that's a clincher. Let's just hope she's not a typical MySpace whore with flattering pictures of her head that excludes her plumped out, Cadillac sized ass."

Guy: "She had a nice voice, you know."

- Red Line

-- Submitted by Gray

Note to self: Do NOT come between a girl and her chicken wings.

Guy #1: "...and I was all 'Stop coming up to us! I'm not giving you any damn money, asshole.'"

Guy #2: "Awesome."

Girl: "No, you weren't. You were more 'Uh, I don't have change.' I was the one that threatened to punch him in the head if he didn't leave me and my chicken wings alone."

- Clark and Ontario

-- Submitted by Kate

Oh, Cubs Fans.

Drunk Guy #1: "They should have let 'em fight. Howry vs. Fan. The new 'Thrilla' in Manila.'"

Drunk Guy #2: "We're not in Manilla. And Howry is 7'1" and eats scrap metal for lunch."

Drunk Guy #1: "But it would have been great. That guy would have gone at least four rounds."

Drunk Guy #2: "Not with me. I'm husky."

- Wrigley Field

-- Submitted by Bumblebee

Updates

Sorry about the sporadic updates lately. I've been insanely busy with some things. Things will be back to normal soon and there will be updates tomorrow, guaranteed.

Z

No. In the 'I like mastectomies" way.

Trixie #1: "That dress looks like it's cutting off your boobs."

Trixie #2: "In a bad way?"

- Dressing Room in Andersonville

-- Submitted by Sahagi

There's probably a reason for that.

Little Girl: "...and every time we visit her, Grandma give us cookies."

Teacher: "How many of you get cookies or treats from your Grandma's when you visit? And if they live far away, do they send you cookies? Yes, Jason?"

Little Boy: "My Grandma sent cookies until she died. Then she stopped."

- Northwest Suburban elementary school

-- Submitted by Teacher's Aide

New Orleans is rowdy.

Guy #1: "Let's go, I'm bored."

Guy #2: "We're not leaving. This is for us. We should be proud to be here!"

Guy #1: "I am proud, I'm just bored."

Guy #2: "Is this about Southern Decadence again?"

Guy #1: "You have no idea how crazy that place gets. It makes the Pride Parade look like a knitting circle!"

- Pride Parade

-- Submitted by Gary

Harsh.

Guy #1: "Holy cow! Dave! How are ya!?"

Guy #2: "Uh. Good. I'm sorry, I don't..."

Guy #1: "Liam. New Trier High School. 1995!

Guy #2: "Oh. Yeah. Hey."

Guy #1: "Man, what are you up to nowada..."

Guy #2: "Look. It's been 12 years since we've seen each other. About ten years since I cared how you were doing. My life is different. the people I speak with are different, and I don't feel like reminiscing about the 'good old days.' Let's just go our separate ways and be who we are."

Guy #1: "Just like old times man. You're such a straight shooter! I love that about you!"

- Water Tower Place

-- Submitted by Floyd

Except in Supern Bowls.

Girl: "Indy is like a mini-Chicago."

Guy: "Yeah. Really, really mini."

- Streeterville Bus, Wacker Drive

-- Submitted by Cheri

I wasn't in the vicinity at the time.

Guy: "Oh my god, it IS true! Look at the size of that thing."

- Logan Square

-- Submitted by Kamil

That's grandma, all right.

Flamboyant Man: (on cell) "Remember that shampoo he got from Grandma? That 'Silver Fox' shampoo?"

- Armitage El Stop

-- Submitted by Maim

That's grandma, all right.

Flamboyant Man: (on cell) "Remember that shampoo he got from Grandma? That 'Silver Fox' shampoo?"

- Armitage El Stop

-- Submitted by Maim

Chicago Housing: Affordable.

Girl: "Is that the phone number or the price on that for sale sign?"

- Sheridan Road on the North Shore

- Submitted by Nic

Uh, are eggs supposed to be that color?

Mom:"Ooooh! Cool! An Elephant egg!"

- Lincoln Park Zoo

-- Submitted by Kat

This message will self-destruct in 10 seconds.

Voice on voicemail: "Hi, honey. It's me. You have one mission and one mission alone today. Should you not accept this mission, there will be hell to pay. You are to come home immediately after work and make rhubarb crisp. Repeat, rhubarb crisp. Again, if the rhubarb crisp is not being made, the consequences will be dire. (pause) FOR YOU! Love you bye."

- West Suburban Office

-- Submitted by Janet

It's a slippery slope.

Mom: "You have to send her to the zoo."

Manager: "But the bus with the car seats broke down."

Mom: "No. You listen to me. This kid has been making animal noises for a week and almost pees her pants every time we mention it. If you don't send her to the zoo, it will crush her. It will cause a permanent scar to never leave her fragile young mind which will be left to fester in its pain and anguish. She will grow up a broken, miserable woman who will not know love. Is that what you want?"

Manager: "Uh. I think we'll send her."

- North Side Day Care

-- Submitted by Max

But they don't actually hurt you.

Guy: (on cell) "Yeah, yeah. Sticks and stones will break your bones but names will lower your self esteem which helps me kick you while you're down."

- Green Line

-- Submitted by Joan

One of them HAS TO be better.

Guy #1: "... no chance of a comeback with Detroit and Cleveland playing so well."

Guy #2: "Well, then let's start trading for talent."

Guy #1: "What if we traded the pitching staff for Rex Grossman?"

Guy #2: "Rex Grossman would just start lobbing pitches into the stands and the Bears still wouldn't have a quarterback."

-Blue Line

-- Submitted by Jeff F.

The lake is full again. Get to it!

Homeless Man #1: "Man, what's wrong with that guy?"

Homeless Man #2: "What? What's wrong with him?"

Homeless Man #1: "He stinks. It rained the other day and he still hasn't taken a bath."

- State & Van Buren

-- Submitted by Amanda D.

Ba-Donk. A. Donk.

Crazy Lady in a Cowboys Jerset: "Why aren't you smiling? Smile! You got an ass on you! Hoo boy!" [maniacal laughter and clapping]

- Morse Red Line Stop

-- Submitted by Spinner

Must have been important.

Guy #1: "Why didn't you ask?"

Guy #2: "I forgot."

Guy #1: "Why are you asking now?"

Guy #2: "I remembered."

Guy #1: "How does that happen?"

Guy #2: "I don't know. Sheer luck?"

- Wilmette Metra Station

-- Submitted by Lady Lisa

Have you checked his pulse?

Guy #1: "One worker called in for the millionth time this year and said he was sick, so I fired him. Another guy didn't bother showing up. Two guys were on vacation. My assistant was out. It was just me and Terry. And it was a crazy ass day."

Guy #2: "Why didn't you call your kid and tell him to come in? He could have helped."

Guy #1: "That would have been great. The only problem is that shlub doesn't know how to get up before never. I don't think I've seen him awake since he's turned 18."

- Brown Line

-- Submitted by Tropical

Around Wrigley, this is not helpful information.

Baseball Fangirl: (on cell) "...I'm over by the homeless guy."

- Wrigley Field

-- Submitted by JFil

Or perverts.

Girl #1: "That show 'Lil' Bush' looks pretty good."

Girl #2: "Your little bush looks pretty good. Wait. I probably shouldn't say that to someone I actually have to see again."

Girl #1: "Yeah, that line is best used on strangers."

- Clark and Newport

-- Submitted by Lisa

Wouldn't sobriety be worse at that point?

Drunk #1: "Hey, check out this magic trick!"(Does stupid magic trick)

Drunk #2: "That is not amusing. You're ruining my night. I hate you."

- #145 Bus

-- Submitted by Tim

Ambitious

Guy #1: "I need a new job."

Guy #2: "So get one. What do you want to do?"

Guy #1: "I'm thinking doctor or lawyer. Something that will bring in the money."

Guy #2: "Usually you need degrees for that stuff. GED's don't really get you into hospitals or law firms."

Guy #1: "How hard could it be? I figure one or two years from now, I can just finish the degree and rake in the cash."

- Red Line

-- Submitted by Fruitopia

The intricacies of the Jew.

Guy: (on cell) "...so I have to go sit shiva. No, it's like a mourning but over seven days. No it's a seven day thing. Yeah. Lots of food. Well, sheva means seven but shiva kind of means sitting. Yes, sitting. Yes, Lori, I'm going to sit sitting."

- Purple Line

-- Submitted by Jamie

That's not an injury, silly.

Guy #1: "The season hasn't even started yet and they're already putting him on the injured list?"

Guy #2: "It's the Bears. But it's a backup fullback. It's not like he's good."

Guy #1: "So what did they put him on IR for?"

Guy #3: "Sucking."

- Shoeless Joe's

-- Submitted by Carlo

Maybe you should call a doctor.

Girl #1: "I can't make it stop!"

Girl #2: "Where's the Visine?!"

Girl #1: "No. No! That won't help. My eyes are totally falling out right now. They're falling out!"

- Lincoln Park Apartment

-- Submitted by Dead Roommate

That will ruin future job prospects.

Guy: "...and they're getting tattoos at 15 and 16 years old. Tattoos!"

Girl: "For real. That means their stupid parents are signing off on those things. If my kid got a tattoo, I would take it off with sulfuric acid. And sand paper."

Guy: "I would tattoo his freaking face. 16? You can barely stand when you go to the bathroom."

- Loyola

-- Submitted by Ramblin' Man

R.I.P. Sopranos.

Guy #1: "Did the cable go out?"

Guy #2: "Call the company! SHIT!"

Guy #3: "No. No! NO! NO! NO! NO!"

Girl #1: "Wait. The credits."

Girl #2: "I bet you after the credits, they're going to show Tony's brains on the floor."

Girl #1: "Or Meadow's."

Guy #1: "Or AJ's. Please. Please Lord. Let it be AJ's."

Guy #2: "Wait. That was it? Fade to black? Does David Chase want us to use our brains and imagine an ending? I want blood!"

- Soprano's Finale Party, Lincoln Park

-- Submitted by Clown

Yours or his?

Girl: (on cell) "No, Rich, I'm not better. That's fine. Well, next time, don't try and grab it in front of my parents."

- Red Line

-- Submitted by Casey

The reason Blockbusters are closing everywhere.

Woman #1: "After work, I'm gon' go rent some videos there, because they three for seven dollars. At Blockbuster, they three for NINE dollars. If you get them there, you SAVE."

Woman #2: "You DO save!"

Woman #1: "That's why I don't go to no Blockbuster no more. I like to SAVE."

- Armitage Bus

-- Submitted by Maim

So that's bad, right?

Woman: "Oh my GOD. Look at her butt! It looks like a giant, sleeping cat."

- Quizno's, Northbrook

-- Submitted by Axe

Is this going to be on the final?

Student #1: What do you think Hitler would have on his iPod?"

Student #2: "I don't know. Probably some Nazi stuff."

- Lincoln Park High School

-- Submitted by Erin

What if the butterflies had razor sharp teeth?

Bum: "Ladies and Gentleman. A dollar a day keeps the visions away. I don't mind when they're birds, I have no problem with butterflies. It's the monsters and bears that make me upset. A little help from you will provide a little help for my brain."

- Harrison and Jefferson

-- Submitted by Clark

Excuses, Chimney-head.

Guy #1: "Try hypnosis."

Guy #2: "That never works."

Girl: "Acupuncture?"

Guy #2: "Ouch. No needles."

Guy #1: "Gums?"

Guy #2: "Taste like crap."

Girl: "How about you stop buying the fucking packs?"

Guy #1: "Yeah, right. You're talking to the guy that can't stop at one donut. He has willpower issues."

- Loyola University

-- Submitted by Ramblin' Man

Vicarious living.

Dad #1: "Man. Graduation. And college. My kid really grew up fast. He's going to be special out there."

Dad #2: "Here's to our kids going off into the real world and kicking its ass!"

Dad #1: "And scoring like crazy with the sorority girls!"

- Champps, Old Orchard

-- Submitted by Waiter

They fit so well with his eye sockets.

Hot Guy: "Hi, I'd like to get my hair cut."

Receptionist: "Sure, someone will be available in a few minutes. (pause) By the way, I think you have really cool eyeballs."

Hot Guy: "Um, thanks."

- Old Town Great Clips

-- Submitted by Hot Guy's Girlfriend

Someone is not going to be wingman next time.

Guy #1: "Almost done. Almost done! Hell YEAH! Almost done."

Guy #2: "You still have to come back next year."

Guy #1: "Yeah, but there'll be a ton of incoming freshman girls for me to meet."

Guy #2: "And fail with?"

Guy #1: (sigh) "And fail with."

Guy #2: "Miserably."

- Northern Illinois University

-- Submitted by Cornfed

Proper etiquette lesson.

Bum: "Remember, folks. Don't just go around eating anyone. And if you do feel the need to eat another person, please use a napkin."

- Outside of Union Station

-- Submitted by Acorn

Does anyone like that chick?

Girl #1: "...and after that bit, Sarah Silverman totally owns Paris Hilton."

Girl #2: "Do you think the STD's and drug problems come with that?"

- Northwest Suburban High School

-- Submitted by Kellie

Don't forget sluts. Always sluts.

Guy: (on cell) "No, honey. It's okay. Just check the spam folder. I'm sure we've been approved for hundreds of mortgages and loans and free meds. I know, but it'll give us confidence trying to apply for real ones."

- Red Line

-- Submitted by Gray

Could be worse, I guess.

Overly Cheerful, Crazy Lady: "It smells like urine in here. Yep, just like urine in here. Golly. Urine."

- 81 Lawrence Bus

-- Submitted by Spinner

Check the color of the water.

Girl #1: "Are you done going to the bathroom?"

Drunk Girl #2: "I'm not sure."

Girl #1: "Did you even GO to the bathroom?"

Drunk Girl #2: "I can't tell!"

- MorseLand Bathroom

-- Submitted by Molly

The honest approach.

Bum: "Folks, don't worry about going in there. You know the outcome and you're going to waste money on hot dogs and beer and snacks. Do me a favor and give me the money so I can waste it on hot dogs and beer and snacks. The Cubs will still lose, you'll be at home in comfort, and I'll be eating and drinking while being put to sleep."

- Wrigley Field

-- Submitted by John John

Give or take.

Guy: "...and I'm heading up to Milwaukee this weekend. I love the big city look with the small city feel."

Girl: "Milwaukee doesn't look like a big city. It looks like a small city. That's why it has the small city feel."

Guy: "No. Milwaukee is a big city. There are just as many bars, shops, and people as Chicago."

Girl: "Besides the stupidity of that statement, and taking it at face value, wouldn't that mean that it's a big city look with a big city feel?"

Guy: "You're a stupid statement and your dad hates you. And you're not coming with me."

- Purple Line

-- Submitted by CTA Rider