Happy New Year!

Have a happy new year, everyone! And please celebrate safely.

-- Z

Happy New Year!

Have a happy new year, everyone! And please celebrate safely.

-- Z

Well, that's deflating.

Guy #1: "What are we doing for New Years?"

Guy #2: "Women."

Guy #1: "Yeah. But what about you? BURN!"

Guy #2: "Wow. Good one. The sad part is you're right. You'll get tons of girls. And I'll be stuck, drinking by myself, shooing everyone away while the countdown starts. If I'm lucky, I'll kiss my own hand and wonder when I'll finally be happy. Thanks for that."

- UIC

-- Submitted by Flames Fan

That's ALMOST as bad as wandering around Egypt for forty years. Almost.

Guy: (on cell) "I make fun of his Xbox going down and then, BAM! A few days later my projector dies. It's like God hates Jews. You'd think he'd treaten the chosen a wee bit better, no?"

- Green Line

-- Submitted by Mikey

I think it's the devil. THE DEVIL!

Woman: "So I have to ask you this burning question."

Man: "What's that?"

Woman: "How do you feel about garlic?"

Man: "Well, I think my second wife was a vampire. She fed it to me all of the time."

- Club Lucky

-- Submitted by Chicago Import

1,500 posts! Woo Hoo!

Guy: "Where are you going for break?"

Girl: "Aunt's house in Michigan. We're all meeting there. You?"

Guy: "I think I'm staying at my apartment. I don't need to see my mom get drunk, my grandmother sob about her horrible life, my brothers complaining about not getting what they want, and my dad sitting in the corner, pretending to be on the phone for 3 days."

- UIC

-- Submitted by Clarise

There's nothing wrong with Easy Mac.

30 something: "Don't worry, almost no one graduates in four years these days. It took me 8 years! There's really nothing to feel bad about."

20 something: "Yes, but you got married and had two children along the way. I've been eating Easy Mac and watching Everyone Loves Raymond."

- Woodfield Mall

-- Submitted by April

Make it 15 and I'll do it.

Young boy to young friend: "I'll give ya ten bucks to do the Soulja Boy dance."

- Red Line

-- Submitted by Hoping My Kids Won't Grow Up So Fast

Merry Christmas, Mr. Potter!

Back on Wednesday. Have a great holiday!

Z

Good thing they didn't misspell tigger.

Man: "...and the license plate was hilarious. POO BER6"

Woman: "Poo bear? Like shit bear? That's AWESOME. The H is kind of important."

Man: "What if they changed it a little. It could have been Po' Bear."

Woman: "Or P'ho Bear!"

- Red Line

-- Submitted by Roberto

At least he shares a positive outlook.

Dad: "Sweetie. Sweetie. Come here. Don't. No. Don't. Come HERE!"

Employee: "We don't have any left in stock but...."

Dad: "Hold on. Pumpkin, get over here, NOW! Does working here make you want kids more or less?"

Employee: "Neither really."

Dad: "Oh yeah? If I worked here before I had kids, I would have snipped the tubes myself."

- Kids R Us, Niles

-- Submitted by Jennifer

To concentrate harder on the lovefest?

Suit 1: "Its like a love-fest in there. I hate it!"

Suit 2: "Yeah. You want a ritalin?"

Suit 1: "Sure."

- Randolph and Michigan

-- Submitted by Rachel

Sigh.

Guy #1: "You want to go to the Bears game on Sunday?"

Guy #2: "Who are they playing?"

Guy #1: "Packers."

Guy #2: "Is it going to be warm?"

Guy #1: "No. It's December."

Guy #2: "Then I'm not going. I'd rather not freeze my balls off AND watch the Bears get the ever-living shit beat out of them. Although, they may have a 'play quarterback for the Bears' contest. I couldn't be much worse."

- CNA Building

-- Submitted by Corporate

Try someplace cheaper, like 7-11

Guy #1: "...I'll just pay by check."

Guy #2: "You can't afford it. Just get her something cheaper."

Guy #1: "I'll just post date the check to 2040. They'll never know."

Guy #2: "Until you hand them the check, idiot."

- Nordstrom's, Skokie

-- Submitted by Haughty Taughty

NOW you're convinced? Call the F'n police.

20-something: "I always thought my ex was crazy, but now I'm convinced that he's out of his mind. Last night he climbed through a window to my room to leave a teddy bear and some candy for my birthday. I mean, he was in my home when I wasn't there! I care about him, but he needs to move on already."

- Blue Line

-- Micah

That's a good angle

Guy: "What are you writing?"

Girl: "A paper for history."

Guy: "About what?"

Girl: "If I took one event in history and erased it, what I think the outcome would be. We're kind of limited to negatives though, like erasing Hitler, Stalin, or Idi Amin. Stuff like that."

Guy: "How about just erasing their parents?"

- UIC

-- Submitted by Penelope A.

I'll take the first one.

Female Med Student: "I want life to be like Grey's Anatomy or ER."

Male Med Student: "Why the hell would you want that?"

F.M.S.: "Because I love those shows and want to be a doctor."

M.M.S.: "Great. So you want to be in a hospital where everyone fucks everyone else, forgets about it, fucks someone else, and then fuck the first person again? Oh wait. I forgot about the wonky, bumbling, and/or stupid med student who ends up saving a bunch of lives. Which person do you want to be?"

- Loyola

-- Submitted by Janet

Well, he did say different

Guy #1: "What are you doing tonight?"

Guy #2: "Hanging out in my room. I'm kind of tired."

Guy #1: "Let's do something different tonight."

Guy #2: "Like what? I don't feel like going out."

Guy #1: "That's cool. Let's hang out in your room them, but instead of playing video games, let's make moonshine or something."

- Northwestern University

-- Submitted by Wiley

Isn't the word 'Detroit' french?

Guy: (on cell) "I'm saying this because I'm mad. Chicago isn't Detroit. Detroit's a damn slum. Like, right now I'm in this coffee shop, uh, uh, Bain-jer. They don't speak French in Detroit."

- Bonjour Bakery, Hyde Park

-- Submitted by Michael

Clowntime sounds exciting.

Guy: "Do you think maybe we can put her to bed without all the theatrics tonight? Just like, read a story and then get some sleep?"

Girl: "No. Without the theatrics, bedtime is boring."

Guy: "That's why's it CALLED bedtime. If it were supposed to be exciting, it'd be called the circus. Or clowntime. Or 'fuck sleep, we're gonna play' time."

- EJ's Place

-- Submitted by Rohan

That makes it hotter, right?

Girl: "She's not a lesbian in the conventional sense."

- DePaul University

-- Submitted by Jeff

Dense

Guy #1: "Let's go golfing."

Guy #2: "It's December."

Guy #1: "So let's take a trip."

Guy #2: "I have to study."

Guy #1: "Come on. A weekend jaunt to Arizona."

Guy #2: "Why don't you start our jaunt by getting the hell out of our room. Or you can go further by having me throw you out. Either way, you start walking, and I'll meet you there."

Guy #1: "Cool. Where should we meet?"

Guy #2: "GET THE HELL OUT OF HERE!"

- Northwestern University

-- Submitted by Viking

That'd be a neat trick

Girl #1: "I think there's something wrong with the baby."

Girl #2: "What's the matter?"

Girl #1: "She keeps drooling and spitting up."

Girl #2: "Ok? She's three months old."

Girl #1: "Is that normal?"

Girl #2: "Do you expect her to be eating steak and drinking wine?"

- Metra Milwaukee District North

-- Submitted by Rider

All his charm is going towards girl B.

Guy: "Why would you answer my phone?"

Girl: "Because it could have been important."

Guy: "What if it was my mistress or some girl who I'm just sleeping with?"

Girl: "First, they probably wouldn't talk if another girl answered. Second, you're barely keeping me around. How the hell do you think you could get someone else?"

- Cary

-- Submitted by Far Away

Someone loves their shoes

Girl #1: "Let's go shoe shopping."

Girl #2: "It's snowy outside."

Girl #1: "So? It's not snowy inside."

Girl #2: "Right, but how can we walk out in new shoes if they're going to get all wet and salty."

Girl #1: "Keep them in the box?"

Girl #2: "New shoes? In the box? Who are you? Hitler?!"

- State and Lake

-- Submitted by Tree

I think the proper term is mental disorder patients. Or crazies.

Guy #1: "I think I'm going to stick with psych. It's a good practice to be in right now."

Guy #2: "I'd rather be a urologist. You deal with less nuts. Get it? Nuts?"

Guy #1: "Yeah, but I have to put up with retards like you. I go to the ward for quiet time. Asshole."

- Blue Line

-- Submitted by Gary P.

Business ethics in practice

Bum: "Happy Holidays, folks. Be it Hanukkah, Christmas, Kwanzaa or whatever. All I need is a little help. Not for presents, not for travel. Just to help me forget about years past. Magic elixirs, folks. Magic elixirs."

- Outside of Union Station

-- Submitted by Johnny

We must remember the important things.

Girl #1: "Are you ready for the ice storm tonight?"

Girl #2: "Yeah. I figure if it gets bad, I'll just stay in the dorms. I don't want to break my leg."

Girl #3: "Forget that. I'm just happy my hair won't get frizzy."

- UIC

-- Submitted by Queen

1 ,2, 3. No, wait, 2. That last one is a vampire.

Guy #1: "What are you doing?"

Guy #2: "Counting the amount of dead people I know."

Guy #1: "Like currently dead or previously dead?"

- Loyola University

-- Submitted by Ramblin' Man

Guy #1: "What are you doing?"

Guy #2: "Counting the amount of dead people I know."

Guy #1: "Like currently dead or previously dead?"

Guy #2: "

Our warm, non-nuclear winters.

Guy: "Let's go on vacation."

Girl: "Where to?"

Guy: "Russia."

Girl: "Why Russia?"

Guy: "When I come back, I want to appreciate Chicago's warm winters."

- Evanston

-- Submitted by Tihar

He'd be grumpy, that's for sure.

Man: "I used to work for this lady who was such a bitch. And she looks like Danny DeVito, in drag. No, seriously, imagine Danny DeVito with a red curly wig and you have my boss."

Woman: "I can see Danny DeVito in drag being a bitch."

- Michigan Ave

-- Submitted by Mary

Ain't that the truth

Homeless man 1: "We got to make some money."

Homeless man 2: "No no no man. Making money's easy; KEEPIN' it's the problem."

- Wrigleyville McDonald's

-- Submitted by Girlsicle

Are they little firemen or big firemen?

Woman: "Oh, look. Firemen! I totally want to marry a fireman someday."

Man: "You know, they go commando under their rubber pants. Trust me, I've seen pictures."

- Michigan and Wacker

-- Submitted by Mary

She wouldn't get very far.

Man #1: "...so she was caller 103 and she won $1,000!"

Man #2: "Man, if I ever win $1,000 I'mma buy me a good woman."

Woman: "Scuse me? She'd take that money and leave yo ass, fool."

- Dick Blick on State

-- Submitted by April

So do moose. You don't see people signing THEIR petitions.

Green Peace guy wearing cheerful reindeer antlers: "Excuse me ma'm. Do you care about the environment?"

Loyola girl: (blank stare)

Green Peace guy: "Hey, I'm wearing antlers!"

- Loyola University

-- Submitted by Lau

They even ruin furry conventions.

Guy" (cell phone) "Damn furries. Why do they have to ruin everything?"

- #151 Sheridan Bus

-- Submitted by Katie

At least YOU'LL be fine.

Guy: (on cell) "I figure she's either going to go to school or die. Either way, I have a peaceful meeting."

- Green Line

-- Submitted by John

The squatter wouldn't leave.

Guy: "...so we're looking for a new cleaning lady."

Girl: "Ours is awesome. She comes in, works for four hours, and cleans everything. Sixty bucks."

Guy: "Our's comes in, works for 5 hours, and cleans nothing. Hundred bucks."

Girl: "Are you sure she's a cleaning lady and not a squatter?"

- Purple Line

-- Submitted by Kylie

And a side of fries

College girl: "You know what sounds really good right now? World peace."

- South Loop

-- Submitted by Sushi

There are defined levels?

Guy walking behind his 3 frolicking friends: "I don't think anyone doubts how gay you are."

- Belmont and Halsted

-- Submitted by Meg

Happy Chanukkah!

Updates when I get out of my car.

At least he's got a flow.

Hobo to a guy in an orange knit hat: "I like your hat. It is orange. Orange is a very positive color. It is my favorite color. My birthday is next Tuesday."

- Red Line, South Loop

-- Submitted by Brian

She was 16 at the time.

Teen girl 1: "....It was a horrible way to find out about Santa."

Teen girl 2: "Oh man! My way was bad, too. We fell asleep under the tree so our parents just let us sleep there. I woke up in the middle of the night to find them putting presents around us. My life hasn't been the same since."

- Woodfield mall

-- Submitted by Katie

That stuff is pretty tasty. Hippie.

Alternachick: "Dudes!!! How do you not carry low fat chocolate soy milk?"

- Chicago Ave. Dominick's

-- Submitted by La Sirena