Yeah, but those kids won't come wake her up during work.

Girl: "I love this stuff."

Friend: "You drink it every morning and every afternoon. It's way too expensive."

Girl: "No, it's not. Their coffee is awesome and totally gets me going."

Friend: "You could sponsor, like, 80 of those foreign kids for what you spend on Starbuck's every month. "

- Downtown Starbucks

-- Submitted by Cool

Wrong line of work, pal.

Customer: "How's the Italian roast? Is it good?"

Barista: "I hate coffee, but I hear people like it."

- Border's coffee shop

-- Submitted by Next In Line

Not a good way to drum up business

Bum: "Change for charity! Donate here!"

Passerby: "Which charity could you possibly be collecting for?'

Bum: "The charity of myself, fuck you very much."

- Superior and Clark

-- Submitted by Master of the Universe

You should TOTALLY be the GM

Bulls Fan: "I'm telling you: The Bulls should draft that dude from LSU and trade him to Minnesota for Garnett. It works out for both teams."

Pessimist: "You're an idiot. Garnett is a top twenty player and won't go for just one rookie."

Bulls Fan: "Minnesota would be stupid not to do it. This kid from LSU is the next Garnett."

Pessimist: "Then why don't the Bulls draft him and keep him?"

Bulls Fan: "SHUT UP!"

- Wrigley Field

-- Submitted by Take Morrison

It hasn't even been a week.

Passenger: "The pink line is going to kill me! KILL ME!"

Fellow Passenger: "What's the big deal? It's just the blue line with a loop in the loop."

Passenger: "I have to get up nineteen minutes earlier everyday just to make it to work on time."

Fellow: "A WHOLE nineteen minutes? Jesus. That may be grounds for suicide."

- Pink Line

-- Submitted by Raymond

Don't tell Ozzie Guillen

Nerdy Guy: (on cell) "...Yeah, I'm gonna be able to make it tonight. I told you I would. Who are they playing? Milwaukee? Who's coming with? (screeches) YAAAAAY! (pause) Oh my god. That was probably the most feminine I've ever sounded. Tonight I'm going to have to drink 20 beers just to get my manhood back."

- Purple Line

-- Submitted by Rooster

So it's raining?

Dude: (to no one in particular) "DAYUMN! Look at that rain. It's coming down in buckets. And I gots to walk in it! DAYUMN! LOOK AT THE RAIN! Cats and dogs. It's raining real bad. Anyone else see the rain? DAYUMN! It's freaking raining HARD, man. I needs me some golashes. (in tune) It's raining, it's pouring, get the HELL OUT OF HERE FUCKING RAIN!"

- Red Line

-- Submittd by Casey

It won't itch anymore.

Girl #1: "Can you please scratch my back? Please, please, please, please."

Girl #2: "No. Not in public. I'd feel stupid."

Girl #1: "COME ON! I'd do it for you!"

Girl #2: "No."

Girl #1: "I'm going to go scrape my back against the wall until the skin comes off. If I bleed out, it'll be your fault."

- Golf Mill Shopping Center

-- Submitted by T.K.

Insecure much?

Dude #1: "This train still makes me a little uncomfortable."

Dude #2: "Don't be an idiot."

Dude #1: "Don't you think it's a little coincidental that the pink line opened the weekend of the pride parade?"

Dude #2: "They let kids name the damn thing. The letters were posted on the trains for weeks."

Dude #1: "You think those are real? You think it's hard to make that stuff up and have other people write it? Get with it man."

Dude #2: "You seriously need to get a grip. The only pink thing on the train is the sign. It's not like they have dudes giving you a lap dance."

- Pink Line

-- Submitted by City Duster

Quite a dream you realized

Dork: "Do you post there often?"

Geek: "No. I should post more though. It's an awesome messageboard."

Dork: "I thought so, too, until I asked to become a moderator. They shot me down real fast."

Geek: "Why?"

Dork: "I don't know. Said I wasn't qualified. So I started my own messageboard. Now I'm an administrator."

Geek: "Nice."

Dork: "Yeah it is. Now I don't need to pander to moderators. I'm higher up and more powerful than they are."

Geek: (putting up hand for a 'high five') "You're the man!"

- Buffalo Joe's

-- Submitted by Sheila

Seriously, when did this fad start? Is it dead yet?

Teen Guy #1: "...I just think it makes you look more relaxed and open."

Teen Guy #2: "Yeah. Leaving it up gives my neck more room to breath and shit."

Teen Guy #1: "It's just more comfortable. I don't care if popping your collar is trendy, I just think it's a comfort thing."

Teen Eavesdropper: "As long as you don't mind looking like a complete retard while you're 'comfortable.'"

- Green Line

-- Submitted by Ocho

Isn't golf a game of patience?

First Foursome Guy: (Waiting to tee off) "How many guys are in your group?"

Second Foursome Guy: "Well, there's us, and three foursomes ahead of us. We're all together."

First Foursome Guy: "Any of you guys good?"

Second Foursome Guy: "Not really. But we're here for fun. We don't get together much."

First Foursome Guy: "Well, why don't you guys play an all man scramble? That way you won't slow anyone down?"

Second Foursome Guy: "Why don't you play kiss my ass? That way your mouth will be occupied with something other than being an idiot."

- Seven Bridges Golf Club

-- Submitted by Crans

I hope they give it back

Bachelorette: (drunk) "Where? WHERE?! WHERE THE HELL IS HE?!"

"Concerned" Guy: "What's a matter, baby? Who are you looking for?"

Bachelorette: "They took him. They took my Pablo Penis. THEY TOOK MY PABLO PENIS!"

- Coyote Ugly

-- Submitted by Tony

Chicago: We love our pimps

College Guy: (addressing very large, exhuberant fellow train-goer) "Man, you sure are happy. I need whatever you're on."

The Pimp: "The Pimp don't need nothin' to be happy 'cos The Pimp is BIPOLAR! That's right, I said BIIIIIIIIII polar! Say it with me now! BI!"

Train: "Polar!"

The Pimp: "BI!"

Train: "POLAR!"

The Pimp: "That's right now. Only The Pimp do need a ho. Maybe he should get him a white ho."

- Red Line near Lake

-- Submitted by Katie

Or, you know, scissors

Teen Girl #1: "It's only a freakin' Gogurt. How hard could it be?"

Teen Girl #2: "He just couldn't get it open. He tried and tried and tried."

Teen Girl #1: "So what did he do?"

Teen Girl #2: "He took the tube and smashed it against the table. It exploded all over everyone."

Teen Girl #1: "What an asshole!"

Teen Girl #2: "Yeah. But he looks at us and said 'Now we can all share.'"

- Dominick's in Evanston

-- Submitted by Terry

When standing isn't standing

Woman: (running) "HOLD THE ELEVATOR! HOLD THE ELEVATOR!!!!!"

(reaches subway elevator and starts breathing loudly.)

Woman: "Thank you so much. Those damn escalators are too much work."

- State and Jackson Red Line Entrance

-- Submitted by Jimmy Ray

HOBO FIGHT!!!!!

Instigating Passerby: (To Hobo) "Hey, man. That dude is invading your turf."

Hobo: (looking at homeless guy 15 feet away) "Yeah. You right. He taking away my b'ness."

Passerby: "Are you making enough that you can split it with that guy?"

Hobo: "Naw, man. But the economy is rough."

- Canal and Randolph

-- Submitted by Chrissy

Sage advice

Hobo: "Good morning, sir. Good morning ma'am. Good morning folks. Please help and God bless. Good morning everyone. Don't work too hard today. (pause) I take that back. Work hard enough that you don't end up standing next to me saying good morning to strangers."

- Near Wacker and Lake

-- Submitted by Superman

Maybe they're training for the subway marathon.

(Groups of people run off the Metra trains heading to the exits.)

Train rider: "Why do all those people run off the train? Is there some emergency?"

Co-rider: "No. They just cut their train ride as close as possible to when they have to start working."

Train Rider: "Maybe they're just tired."

Co-rider: Maybe they're just lazy."

- Union Station

-- Submitted by Rick

Office camaraderie

Suit: "Stop talking to me. I'm sick of your negative energy and constant needling."

Coworker: "No you're not. If I stopped talking to you, you would be lost."

Suit: "No, I wouldn't. You're constantly bringing me down."

Coworker: "You need me. We're ebb and flow. Yin and Yang. I'm the milk to your cereal buddy."

- 333 W. Wacker

--Submitted by Jerry