Wednesday, April 30, 2008

Low standards.

Woman: "Give me buffalo flavored pretzels crisps and some perfect water and I'll do whatever you want."

- South Loop

-- Submitted by Dave

I like her thinking.

Guy: "I'm starving."

Girl: "So let's eat."

Guy: "I can't afford to eat out. But I don't want to cook."

Girl: "So let's go to a restaurant with tables near the huge windows. We'll just stick our faces on the glass, licking the air, asking if they're going to finish their food. Maybe we'll get a bite."


-- Submitted by Randy

Uh...ass kickings?

Woman: (on cell) "Do NOT use your gurmpy phone boive with me, buddy. If it's not going to be polite voice, I'm going to use my ass kicking voice. You know what's up then!"

- Roosevelt and State

-- Submitted by Nadine

Tuesday, April 29, 2008

How heartfelt.

Girl #1: "I feel bad for him."

Girl #2: "Me, too. But he didn't really deserve the raise he got."

Girl #1: "I know, but I feel worse that he bought me all that stuff."

Girl #2: "Forget that. That's his problem. It's yours to keep, no matter what."

- Grant Park

-- Submitted by Spring is Here!

It's too late for him now.

Guy #1: "....and I have to take my suit in for alteration."

Guy #2: "You know they don't really alter suits, right?"

Guy #1: "Oh no?"

Guy #2: "No. They just get new suits and stick some stitching in there. It's a huge sham. A conspiracy to get you to buy more items from the store."

Guy #1: "But alterations are free."

Guy #2: "So they got you already, huh?"

- State Street

-- Submitted by Cat Burglar

Just hit next.


- Blue Line

-- Submitted by Hair

Monday, April 28, 2008

Breasts look better than electric finger.

Girl: "I think I need implants."

Guy: "You mean for your breasts or like enhancements?"

Girl: "Aren't they the same thing?"

Guy: "No. I mean enhancements like electricity implants in your fingers or something to boost your brain power. Star trek stuff."

- Loyola

-- Submitted by Louis

So you're into chicks then.

Guy: (hanging up cell) "I think my buddy just told me he loved me before he hung up the phone. The funny thing is, I think I love him, too. But not in that whole I love him love him kind of way."

- Red Line

-- Submitted by Grey

Or the sky.

Guy: "It's like poop is raining down from the ceiling!"

- West Loop Office

-- Submitted by Jake

Friday, April 25, 2008

I guess that's more committed.

Girl #1: "...and then he's all, 'what would it take for us to be more serious?'"

Girl #2: "Did you tell him he had to commit to you and the relationship?"

Girl #1: "Kind of. I told him we had to have sex with less than 5 different people a month."

- Purple Line

-- Submitted by Submitter

Only if you want to win.

Guy #1: "You box?"

Guy #2: "Does punching guys in the balls count?"

- Loyola University

-- Submitted by Ramblin' Man

Why didn't you just buy another sandwich?

Guy: (on cell) "I was making my tuna sandwich. I made a crucial error. I put the bread directly on the bench. NO MAN! DIRECTLY ON THE FREAKING BENCH! Where the naked guy sits everyday. No! I couldn't turn back. I had already taken a couple bites. I should have turned back, but I had nothing else. Just never discuss it again."

- North Chicago, outside of a fitness center

-- Submitted by Relay

Thursday, April 24, 2008

Or is it?

Guy: (on cell) "No you should NOT get erect when someone is massaging your knee! It's completely inappropriate!"

- Michigan Ave.

-- Submitted by Eddie

I'd still rather do Britney.

Guy: (on cell) "Britney Spears is number 100? Sexiest what, wildebeests?! I'd rather use a meat grinder to make penis spaghetti than do that chick."

- Red Line

-- Submitted by Kellen

Documented proof has been already been given about eardrums.

Girl: (pointing at 4'10" punk girl) "See! More proof that Avril Lavigne stunts your growth."

- Goose Island Bar in Wrigleyville

-- Submitted by Misplaced Suburbanite Boy

Wednesday, April 23, 2008

Less chance of shoe recognition in the handicapped stall.

Guy: (on cell) "I'm telling you, bro: not only did I have to use the stall, a handicapped guy was walking in front of me. Of course I had to sit, I needed the stall. It was pretty unnerving. I just kept praying that he had to take a leak and did NOT have a catheter bag to empty."

- Downtown Office Building

-- Submitted by Rich

She spawned well before the show.

Chicagoan: "I don't like it because it spawned Britney Spears. Granted, it was the new one, but it still spawned Britney Spears."

- DePaul University

-- Submitted by Runner

Need help?

Woman: "Hold on sweetie. I have to go into the lockerroom to help this woman take her pants off. She's having all kinds of problems."

- South Loop FFC

-- Submitted by TT

Tuesday, April 22, 2008

Because you're married, dumbass.

Guy #1: "So you know when we inevitably get gay married out of boredom and loneliness?"

Guy #2: "Yeah."

Guy #1: "Will we sleep in the same bed? I mean we don't have to have sex or anything, I'm just wondering if we'll sleep in the same bed."

Guy #2: "Sure. I don't want to be one of those crotchety old couples that sleep in separate beds."


Guy #2: "Plus, why wouldn't we have sex?"

- State and Lake

-- Submitted by Haynes

There go my weekend plans.

Woman: "Do you know it's illegal now to fish off of a camel?"

- Lincoln Park Zoo

-- Submitted by MatilDa

Depends on what kind.

Guy #1: "Why are you just standing in the alley?"

Guy #2: "Because if I look at porn in the street, people will think I'm some kind of weirdo."

- Alley between Michigan Ave./Wabash Ave. and Lake Street

-- Submitted by Alex Redman

Friday, April 18, 2008

Technically, that's future family time.

Guy #1: "What's the weekend plan?"

Guy #2: "Family time."

Guy #1: "Are you two going to your parent's house?"

Guy #2: "No. We're going to try and make some babies."

- Green Line

-- Submitted by Long John

Ugh! That sweet smelling BITCH.

Girl #1: "Ugh! That girl ALWAYS showers."

Girl #2: "Ugh! I know."

- Southport and Addison

-- Submitted by A.Rem

Coed boxing?

Guy #1: "How'd you do?"

Guy #2: "Knocked him out in the first round."

Guy #1: "He must have been a huge pussy."

Guy #2: "No. He was tough."

Guy #1: "Yeah. With a bleeding vagina."

- South Loop

-- Submitted by Carlos

Thursday, April 17, 2008

Isn't that one option?

Guy: "...just stop blurting out whatever comes to mind."

Girl: "But I get so angry. He's wrong and he knows it."

Guy: "But when you get pissed, you lose your train of thought and sound like an idiot."

Girl: "No..I..."

Guy: "You have to options, Beth. You can either shut up or pipe down. It's your choice."

- Northwestern University

-- Submitted by Eloise

You can't bake with that.

Guy: (on cell) "...and the urinal cake smelled like cinnamon. Of course I tried, but then it smelled like cinnamon with pee on it. Kind of like urinamon."

- Red Line

-- Submitted by Cowboy Bob

He's doing enough shouting.


- Outside Macy's downtown

-- Submitted by Hoot

My apologies

I've been interviewing people for a position at my company and things have been super crazy the past couple days. Updates tonite, I promise.


Tuesday, April 15, 2008

Or my wife.

Girl: "Someone should tell him that she gets paid to be nice to him."

Guy: "Like a masseuse."

Girl: "Or a hooker."

- Elevator at Northwestern

-- Submitted by JD

Real fun?

Girl: "I just want to have fun tonight. And be real. And also have fun."

- Wicker Park

-- Submitted by Jesse

It's raining men?

Loud drunk girl while jukebox is playing: "I've always wanted to have sex to this song!! Let's have a pants off dance off!"

- Hidden Shamrock

-- Submitted by Anonymous

Monday, April 14, 2008

Keep moving up the scale, my friend.

Guy: (on cell) "How far have you fallen that you can't get a 290 pound girl to talk to you?"

- Outside of Kincade's on Armitage

-- Submitted by Tall, Mysterious Blonde

You can pick up chemo at Walgreens?

Guy #1: "I need to go buy some Dayquil. I'm dying."

Guy #2: "Okay. So go to Walgreens."

Guy #1: "You're supposed to feel sorry for me and then go FOR me."

Guy #2: "Fuck that, dude. Get your lazy ass outside and get your medicine. It's not like you have cancer and I have to pick up THOSE meds."

- Northwestern

-- Submitted by Zebra

You are what you eat, I guess.

Girl: "What nationality are you? Are you Greek?"

Guy: "No. I'm not Greek."

Girl: "Are you sure?"

Guy: "Yeah. I'm sure. I'm not Greek."

Girl: "Well, have you ever eaten that flaming cheese?"

Guy: "Saganaki?"

Girl: "See! I knew you were Greek!"

- Sport Clips, Downtown

-- Submitted by Lily

Friday, April 11, 2008

Quench your thirst.

Guy #1: "I'm thirsty."

Guy #2: "Water?"

Guy #1: "Nah. I'm in a meat and potatoes mood."

- State and Jackson

-- Submitted by Adalius

And the problem is?

Woman: "Excuse me, Ma'am. It appears that your breast has fallen out of your bra."

- Purple Line Platform

-- Submitted by John

But. He's. And you're. I doubt it.

Guy #1: "You're going to have to leave."

Guy #2: "I guess the Obama campaign clearly doesn't like black people."

- Obama Campaign Office

-- Submitted by Sebastian

Thursday, April 10, 2008

Yes. Surgically.

Guy #1: "I need to go the gym more."

Guy #2: "You mean more than zero times a week?"

Guy #1: "Totally. Do you think I could lose 200 pounds in the next 6 months?"

- North Park University

-- Submitted by Sal

Where can I get the men's formula?

Guy: "When did you hair start smelling like crap?"

Girl: "It must be my new shampoo."

Guy: "You need to stop using it. What's it called?"

Girl: "Go to hell for women. I'm trademarking it soon."

- Loyola University

-- Submitted by Jackie

The email or the, uh, 'meat?'

Girl: (on cell) "Any email you send is going straight to the spam folder from now on, you jerk. No. YOU'RE spam."

- Wrigleyville

-- Submitted by Frankie

Wednesday, April 09, 2008

Uh. One?

Girl #1: "How many guys can you date in one night?"

Girl #2: "How many nights do I have to find out?"

- Loyola

-- Submitted by Lees

Super sweet.

Guy: "All I know is that if it's Tang and it's not sugar free, then it's OBVIOUSLY sweet."

- Dominick's, Near Loyola

-- Submitted by Matilda

Scent is important.

Guy: (no cell) "I don't need a damn gun! I need a shovel, some dirt, and an air freshener."

- Red Line

-- Submitted by Rebby

Tuesday, April 08, 2008

Please be making a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle

Guy: (on cell) "Whatever dude. If we don't do it, who's going to? It's not going to genetically mutate on it's own!"

- Union Station Fitness Formula Club

-- Submitted by Willie

That's not arrogance.

Woman #1: "I'm telling you: When I walk in, the room is going to part like the Red Sea."

Woman #2: "Do you smell that?"

Woman #1: "Smell what?"

Woman #2: "It's arrogance. And it's coming right out yo' ass!"

- Swissotel

-- Submitted by Don

Laziness does not equal illiteracy

Woman: "Can you look up Terry's number on google or something for me? "

Man: "Sure. Hold on." (pulls up the number) "Here it is."

Woman: "Can you read it to me? Or just write it down?"

Man: "Why can't you do it yourself?"

Woman: "I can't read."

Man: "So, if I write it down, how the hell are you going to dial the number?"

- Loop Office Building

-- Submitted by Pastey

Monday, April 07, 2008

Let's go play with some clay. While in hay. What do you say?

Guy: (talking while texting) "Enough with the puck! I never text hockey, I always mean suck! Fuck!"

- Northwestern

-- Submitted by ADF

Just stop sleeping, no?

Girl: "Why does her sex life revolve around MY sleeping patterns?"


-- Submitted by Apeface

Next time wear long sleeves?

Young girl hysterically crying with mascara running down her face: "I don't know what was going on. This girl in the crowd just kept licking my arm."

- House of Blues Bathroom

-- Submitted by Jen

Thursday, April 03, 2008

At least he'll be able to drink and eat his misery away

Girl #1: "Do you think you guys can make it to the party?"

Girl #2: "Will there be alcohol there?"

Girl #1: "Yes."

Girl #2: "Food?"

Girl #1: "Yes."

Girl #2: "Guys I can make out with in front of my boyfriend?"

Girl #1: "Check and check."

Girl #2: "I'm in."

- Northwestern University

-- Submitted by Travis

That probably won't fix the problem.

Guy: "My back hurts."

Girl: "Do you want me to kick you in the nuts?"

- Loyola University

-- Submitted by Ramblin' Man

Sounds like a party

Guy: (on cell) "All I saw was flailing arms, shrugging shoulders, tons of empty bottles, streamers, and a pet dalmation."

- Roosevelt and State

-- Submitted by Kyle

Wednesday, April 02, 2008

Or just sit down. Shut up. It's manly.

Guy #1: "I'm so tired of losing phones by having them fall in the toilet."

Guy #2: "So stop talking on the phone when you're taking leaks."

Guy #1: "I'm not talking, I'm playing video games. And I usually get all sweaty from nerves."

- Metra South Shore

-- Submitted by Grossed Out

What plug? Insulin plug.

Guy: "If I ever become a diabetic, just pull the plug."

- Michigan Ave.

-- Submitted by Meeka

All Jews have a relationship with Christ. Have you heard about Easter?

Old Guy: "Do you have a personal relationship with Jesus Christ?"

Girl: "I'm Jewish."

Old Guy: "Do you go to church?"

Girl: "I go to synagogue."

Old Guy: "Is that a Catholic church?"

- #8 Halsted Bus

-- Submitted by Jew on the Bus

Tuesday, April 01, 2008

The real money is in Urology

Trixie: (on cell) "You should really go to The Triangle on Saturday night. There's a cardiologist convention in town."

- Brown Line

-- Submitted by Dia

Sounds sexy.

Preschool Girl: "I need to tell you something about God."

Teacher: "What's that?"

Preschool Girl: "God stuffed Jesus in Mary's tummy."

- North Suburban Preschool

-- Submitted by Dia


Dowager: "I don't know what this 'Facebook' is, but there is a group called 'Hilary: Drop out of the race and go make me a sandwich.' Disgusting."

- Financial Office on Michigan Ave.

-- Submitted by AJ