But less than .001 percent of the population is infected!

Girl: (on cell) "Yeah, dad. There's a confirmed case of the flu. Right. Yeah. I'll be careful that I'm among the 99% of people who actually survive. You feel free to keep freaking out."

- Red Line

-- Submitted by Lynne

Priorities? Check.

Guy: "I'm moving to California. Or Florida. Or Montana."

Girl: "Montana doesn't exactly fit. Family?"

Guy: "Nope. A better guys to bitches ratio."

- Ukranian Village

-- Submitted by Ardee

Someone needs daddy hugs.

Girl #1: "You must be high to think he's not using you."

Girl #2: "But he likes me. He just doesn't know it yet."

Girl #1: "So you're going to keep going?"

Girl #2: "If he has to like me through sex, so be it."

- UIC

-- Submitted by Sparky

That's usually a conversational killer.

Guy #1: "Let's go find some women and cheer you up."

Guy #2: "I can find women anywhere. It's the talking to them part that I screw up."

Guy #1: "You have to practice, dude."

Guy #2: "I usually can't get past the part where I crap myself and vomit on their dresses."

- Northwestern

-- Submitted by JJ

The clap says yes.

Woman: "So, do you think it's a coincidence that I've gotten sick both times I've slept with those random guys?"

-FFC Locker Room

-- Submitted by Girl Next Door

The smell acknowledges all.

Girl #1: "Why are you so down on everything lately? Nothing amuses you."

Girl #2: "Hm. Well, both me and my sister are secretly peeing in our only bathtub and refusing to acknowledge it. I find that very amusing."

-DePaul

-- Submitted by 99 red bafoons

The smell acknowledges all.

Girl #1: "Why are you so down on everything lately? Nothing amuses you."

Girl #2: "Hm. Well, both me and my sister are secretly peeing in our only bathtub and refusing to acknowledge it. I find that very amusing."

-DePaul

-- Submitted by 99 red bafoons

...that you can keep a small animal in. Sexy.

Girl: (on cell) "I'm going to get plastic surgery and have a kangaroo pouch installed It'll probably get heavy and start sagging. It'll be like a third breast!"

- Brown Line

-- Submitted by Morning Commuter

Alien.

Girl: (on cell) "My wrist is bubbling and I don't know why."

- Evanston

-- Submitted by 81 degrees

Check and Mate.

Guy #1: "DRINK NIGHT! WOOOOOOOOOOO!"



Guy #2: "It's 8 AM."



Guy #1: "Get PUMPED for it BROTHER!"



Guy #2: "I refuse because, accordingly, you always act like a tool. Goose at the end of Top Gun is a better wingman than you."



- DePaul



-- Submitted by Harv

At U of C you take it where you can get it.

Student #1: "So do I want to get laid tonight or should I just go to bed?"

Student #2: "Why is the latter even an option?"

Student #1: "Well, its already 11:30, and I'm tired."

Student #2: "Dude, you'll be asleep by like 1:30."

Student #1: "Yeah, but I have class early tomorrow. And I like a full 9 hours of sleep."

Student #2: "Well, who's the victim?"

- University of Chicago Library Bathroom

-- Submitted by late night reader

Who's option B?

Guy #1: "I'd rather fight Milton Bradley."

Guy #2: "But he's a big dude. And he gets into that stuff a lot."

Guy #1: "But he's also torn his ACL getting ready to fight. The odds of that happening again are in my favor."

- ESPNzone

-- Submitted by J

It's still the funniest thing EVER on Jimmy Kimmel

Guy: (on cell) "I'm not mad, but the 'I'm Fucking Matt Damon' song does get annoying after awhile. At least go do it so you aren't as big a tool as the rest of the people who sang it last year."

- West Loop

-- Submitted by Phiz

Sick. Updates tomorrow. Blllllllllllllllllllech.

Fun with bulimics!

Girl: "Just throw it up. Just throw it up. If you throw it up, then the food you ate doesn't count."

Guy: "But you have to throw it up within 5 minutes of eating it or it DOES count."

- Outside of Joy's

-- Submitted by JGulia

The key to time travel: Crunking someone.

Guy: "I'm going to crunk his face into yesterday!"

- Hyde Park

-- Submitted by Genesis

TMI in 3, 2, 1.

Assistant: "So you mean to tell me that your doc gives you an anal exam when you go for a pap smear?"

Boss: "Yes, doesn't yours? Mine does all the time! I turn around and talk to him while he's doing it! It doesn't hurt."

Assistant: "So a pap smear hurts but an anal feels good?"

Boss: "Well, yeah. The tools he uses are way too big! They are a good size for you since you've had three kids!"

- Loop Office

-- Submitte by Peon

Depends how many people thwarted Voldemort's attacks

Movie Go-er #1: "I heard that over 2000 girls auditioned for the role of Cho Chang for Harry Potter."

Movie Go-er #2: "Wow. That's a lot. I bet they had a hard time casting Harry Potter for the first one. I mean how many people have that scar on their forehead?"

- Webster Movie Theater

-- Submitted by E

That is almost NEVER the case.

Girl: (on cell) "So he said 'Well we haven't exactly been romantic' and I said 'Well, that's not my fault,' and you know what he says? He says 'Well, I figured you wouldnt let me go down on you.'"

- Wrigleyville

-- Submitted by Amanda

So you won't call them back

Guy: (on cell) "Why would you call me just to tell me you can't talk?"

- West Loop

-- Submitted by Gliz

Common reason

Train-Goer: "She didn't buy a Mercedes 'cause she could, she bought it 'cause she ugly as hell!"

- Bryn Mawr Red Line

-- Submitted by Lauren

I'm sure she'd appreciate the gesture.

Girl #1: "I need to go home in a few days to do laundry."

Girl #2: "Seriously. I have so much that I'm gonna be buried in it soon."

Girl #1: "Well, why don't you come with me and my mom can do it for both of us."

Girl #2: "I'd feel guilty. Can't we get her a six pack or something for her trouble?"

- Lakeview

-- Submitted by Genni

College aged maturity? What?

Guy: "What are your plans for the weekend?"

Girl: "I have to study."

Guy: "You can't come out for a little bit?"

Girl: "I could go out for the whole weekend. Alcohol fueled weekends won't get me a good job if I don't past my test on Monday though."

- Northwestern

-- Submitted by Kal

Except for the kind made of fish.

Man: "Hmm, that sushi you got for lunch looks pretty tasty."

Woman: "I thought you didn't eat fish."

Man: "Sushi isn't fish!"

- Loop office

-- Submitted by Mel

In his playhouse...ZING!

Guy #1: "You going to play poker after work?"

Guy #2: "Yup."

Guy #1: "How much have you won?"

Guy #2: "I only play with play money."

Guy #1: "I bet you really impress all the play women with that cash"

- West Side Office

-- Submitted by Sanyi

In order of importance...

Girl #1: "You should get a nanny cam. Yeah! You can make sure she's not ignoring the kids. Or stealing. Or doing anything destructive."

Girl #2: "Or eating too many peanut butter and jelly sandwiches."

- Red Line

-- Submitted by Junebug

It takes precision and legs

Girl: "I know I need to start doing more cardio, but what?"

Personal Trainer: " You should start doing the StairMaster"

Girl: "StairMaster? But how do I do that?"

Personal Trainer: "You don't know how to walk up stairs?"

- Loop Gym

-- Submitted by mk

That's gonna be fun to explain to the grandkids.

Girl: (On cell) "So she woke up this morning with a tattoo of a dolphin smoking a bong!"

- Wrigleyville

-- Submitted by DIK

Flava FLAAAAV

Guy: (on cell) "It's NOT a clock radio! There are no speakers or tuner, jackass. I'd have to set it ON TOP of a radio for it to come anything close to it. It's just a damn clock."

- Red Line

-- Submitted by Gary

Totally stupid.

Girl #1: "It's my personal mission to make sure leg warmers come back into style."

Girl #2: "And shiny leotards?"

Girl #1: "Those just look stupid."

- Lifetime Fitness, Schaumburg

-- Submitted by Poitre

Set goals; reach goals.

Girl: "I'm going to put a peep in the microwave and eat it."

Guy: "I heard that all it does is expand and taste like crap."

Girl: "Right. But it's possible it can kill you, so I'm going to give it a try. Not 'cause I want to die, but because it'd be the weirdest obituary ever!"

- Lake Forest High School

-- Submitted by DJ

High standards for this guy

Guy: "One of my biggest desires in choosing a law firm is finding one that has a bar in it. Come in, do work, grab a drink, do work, drink, cab it home."

- John Marshall

-- Submitted by Leo

It'd draw a 15 yard flag. And felony charges.

Guy #1: "The Bears better sign Torry Holt or Plaxico Burress."

Guy #2: "I say go Burress. He may keep a gun on him while he plays. It should keep the DB's off of him."

- Blue Line

-- Submitted by Alvin

Less yelling or heart attack? YOU decide

Guy: (on cell) "It's pretty much like eating eggs and crackers every meal for eight days, except the eggs and crackers are flavored differently with each dish. Everything tastes ok, but then you realize your cholesterol and sodium intake just went up fifty thousand percent. But if you don't eat it, your mom yells at you because she worked so hard."

- Little Italy

-- Submitted by Ravyn

At least Rob Schneider found a job.

Boss: "What are you doing?"

Office Manager: "Sending faxes."

Boss: "Faxy Lady!"

- Loop office

-- Submitted by Lola

It will sting. And smell.

Girl: "Forget whips! I'm gonna beat your ass with leeks!"

- Whole Foods, Roosevelt

-- Submitted by JJ

Lazy is as lazy does

Guy #1: "So I got a job offer, now I just have to decide whether I want it or not."

Guy #2: "Does it pay more than unemployment?"

Guy #1: "Yeah. But I'd have to do stuff. I don't know if the extra hundred a week is worth that."

Guy #2: "If I didn't know you better, I'd annihilate your deadbeat ass."

- Lincoln Park

-- Submitted by Carolyn

Prune juice, my jewish friend.

Guy: "So it's Passover time again."

Girl: "Yummy foods abound."

Guy: "I just wish I could pass over the stoppering power of the matzah. There is no cure for the constipation."

- Northwestern

-- Submitted by Eclair

PRAISE HIM!

Guy: "If you don't like baseball, you shouldn't go to a game just to see one. It's like, I don't go to church to speculate."

- Riverside office

-- Submitted by Dan

Screwed up priorities

Guy: (on cell) "You don't talk about the Bears that way! YOU APOLOGIZE TO JAY CUTLER RIGHT NOW OR WE'RE GETTING DIVORCED!"

- Green Line

-- Submitted by JJ

Only if they do it frivolously.

Woman: "So are vegetarians against animals that eat other animals?"

- Lincoln Park Zoo

-- Submitted by Gemma

How do you shake hands?

Woman: "I promise that if I breast feed, I will introduce you to my boobs."

- Potbelly's, Northbrook

-- Submitted by Herc

Try connecting to the outside, sweetheart.

Woman: "I'm always on Facebook, Twitter, Myspace, or some other social networking site. I can broadcast my life to everyone everywhere with a few click of the keyboard and mouse. It's so amazing. I feel so connected to everything. I just wish I had a social life."

- Union Station

-- Submitted by Boileeze

Wet the bed?

Guy: (on cell) "I have shit to do and I'm not jumping all over plans to wet the bed if he calls on the 17th and wants to 'hang out and have a couple beers.'"

-- Daley Center

-- Submitted by Floyd

Wet the bed?

Guy: (on cell) "I have shit to do and I'm not jumping all over plans to wet the bed if he calls on the 17th and wants to 'hang out and have a couple beers.'"

-- Daley Center

-- Submitted by Floyd

The old P.W.B.Y.A.L.W.Y.T.T.G.Y.D.A.H. Good times.

Girl #1: "My birthday is in 10 days!! We're doing a pub crawl!"

Girl #2: "You don't even know what a pub crawl is."

Girl #1:"Yeah, but when I figure it out, we're going to do it!"

Girl #2:"Yeah well, you guys can do a pub crawl. I'm going to do a pub walk-behind-you-and-laugh-while-you-try-to-get-your-drunk-ass-home."

-Red Line

-- Submitted by Deliah

Pinworms!

Girl: (on cell) "I'd come over, but I need to figure out why I feel the need to scratch my a-hole all day. GROSS! We don't do that! I think it's just a rash."

- DePaul

-- Submitted by Ale

Dad Of The Year. Right here.

Guy: (on cell) "The key to playdates is naps. The more the kids sleep, the less you have to worry about entertaining them."

- Red Line

-- Submitted by Jolly Roger

Goodbye, Chicago.

Upcoming Changes: Due to popular demand by my readers, I have decided to discontinue Overheard in Chicago and open a new website called Overheard in Fults, Illinois. While I'm sure my Chicago fans will be upset, the draw to start Overheard in Fults is something that I can no longer deny. The 28 denizens of the town are ripe with great quotes that I'm SURE will keep all of my Chicago fans interested!

Let me know what you think of the changes by emailing me at
ziggyk15@yahoo.com