Thursday, August 30, 2007

Not me. He made me for the ladies.

Woman: "They can't stop you from smoking outside. It's a free country. That's what God made you for."

- South Loop, Wabash

-- Submitted by Christine

Or, you know, a BAR.

Frat Boy #1: "I have to stop drinking at Hooters. It is like ten bucks a drink there."

Frat Boy #2: "Ya, you should probably try Bennignas instead."

- Red Line

-- Submitted by 10 With A Mop

I notice no mention of the Geico Cavemen

Girl: "If that stupid gecko were here, I would punch him in the face and yell 'where's your Geico NOW, bitch!' And then I'd laugh at him and his broken teeth."

Guy: "I don't think gecko's have teeth."

Girl: "That's not the god damn point!"


-- Submitted by Jeff

Tuesday, August 28, 2007

Say 'ello to mah li'l drunk fren.

Guy watching "Batman" being filmed: "Look! Batman!"

Drunk girl: "Let's go! Batman ain't gonna put money in yo' pocket! Batman ain't gonna feed yo' ass!"

Guy: Just hold on a minute."

Drunk girl: "You wanna fuck wid me? You fuck wid me, you fuck wid the ghetto!"

- Wacker Drive

-- Submitted by Anna

Yes. With music.

Guy: "What is this music?! Are they trying to drug us?"

- Red/Orange line tunnel, Roosevelt

-- Submitted by Absolut Law


Woman: (on cell) "She's two! There's no reason the term taco should come out of his mouth!"

- Metra South Shore

-- Submitted by Carly

Monday, August 27, 2007

If it's 2003, then yes. Yes, he does.

Girlfriend: "I've been so stressed out lately and you're not helping any. My hair is falling out like crazy."

Boyfriend: "Babe, don't worry. You're fine."

Girlfriend: (snapping) "I'm NOT fine! Pretty soon I'm going to look like Britney Spears. IS THAT WHAT YOU WANT?"

- H&M on State

-- Submitted by April

You might not need them if you stopped calling girls 'Dude."

Girl: "So why is it that you think that your prayer beads are lucky?"

Guy: "Dude, I meet MODELS when I wear them!"

- China Town

-- Submitted by SuperNova

That's not a seatbelt.

Flight Attendent: "Welcome to Chicago. Please do not remove your seatbelts until we have reached the gate."

(a minute later)

Flight Attendent: "As I just STATED, do NOT remove your seatbelts until we reach the gate.... 4D! Get that back on right now! I can see it danglin' in the aisle!"

- US Airway Flight landing in Chicago

-- Submitted by Brian

Friday, August 24, 2007

Mom's always know what to say.

Little Boy: "Mommy, I'm bored."

Mom: "Sweetie, we have to wait for the rain to stop so we can go visit gram."

Little Boy: "Why can't we just go on the plane now?"

Mom: "Because if we get on the plane and all the wind and rain are still there, the plane will have an accident and we'll get boo-boo's."

- Midway Airport

-- Submitted by Diego

Rain is definitely romantic. Grar!

Guy: (on cell) "Look. I've been sitting here for about 5 hours waiting for my plane. I could have been downtown, in a bar, drinking and picking up girls. Yeah, I'm pissed. I could have been with, like, 300 girls by now!"

- O'Hare

-- Submitted by Flyboy

Won't listen either.

Drunk Girl: "No... No... Listen. What we'll do is, I'll walk home with you. And I won't talk AT ALL."

Guy: "No. Not going to happen."

Drunk Girl: "Come on. Let's just walk."

Guy: "IT'S OVER!"

- Lincoln Park

-- Submitted by B

Wednesday, August 22, 2007

Those'll do.

Guy #1: "I texted her back and said I was sorry, that my friend took my phone, and he's a jackass."

Guy #2: "Why do you still have any of your ex-girlfriends' numbers in your phone anyway?"

Guy #1: "So if they call, I know not to answer."

Guy #2: "You should give them each an alias so that doesn't happen again."

Guy #1: "What you mean like 'Cubs Game' or 'Huge Mistake?'"

- Brown Line

-- Submitted by PhantomK

Have you seen Oobi?

Girl: "Well I just found the last sign of the coming apocalypse."

Guy: "What's that?"

Girl: (pointing to display) "A High School Musical bedsheets and comforter set."

- Walmart, North Avenue

-- Submitted by Afraid of the Future

What could be better than bio-degradable rubber?

Girl: (on cell) "I don't want eco-friendly condoms! I want condoms that work!"

- Whole Foods, Roscoe Village

-- Submitted by Jeanne

Tuesday, August 21, 2007

She's going to anger The Oprah!

Literate Lady: "Now, I love Oprah. LOVE Oprah. Oprah is my girl. But that magazine of hers? Uh huh. It's got too much shit in it."

- 81 Lawrence, Eastbound

-- Submitted by Spinner


Girl: (on cell) "We're getting a divorce, Joan. It's not that I don't love him. No. I like him, too. Because the other guys I was sleeping with were just so much more satisfying. Five of them. Two of them know each other. No, because it was at the same time. We'll chat about it over coffee today."

- Blue Line

-- Submitted by Rider

Shot down.

Guy: "What'll it take to get your number?"

Girl: "Telepathy."

- Piano Bar

-- Submitted by Drinky

Monday, August 20, 2007

America: Becoming monosylabbic one idiot at a time.

Girl: (on cell) "It was horrible! I was bleeding profusely! There was blood everywhere! And...Profuse. That means without ceasing. Ugh! Jessica, cease means stop! I know! I just didn't think profuse was a big word! I'm sorry!"

-hangs up-

Girl: "That's what you get for watching The Hills all the motherfucking time."

- Red Line

-- Submitted by Samantha

It's not the meat, it's the dander. And it cooks off.

Guy: "So, I hope you're not allergic to anything."

Girl: "Not food. Just cats."

Guy: "Well this IS Thai food."

- Cozy Noodle, Evanston

-- Submitted by Asian Guy Sitting Next To Them

It's not the clothes that make the man.

Bus Rider: (on cell) "Here is the deal: Dad's gonna want you to make an appearance at this party tonight. But listen. Wear a suit and leave the dress at home! He's not ready for the world to know his only son is a queen."

- Oak Park Bus Stop

-- Submitted by Gabi

Friday, August 17, 2007

40? It takes me like, a million.

Guy #1: "Dude. I'm so wasted."

Guy #2: "It's six o'clock."

Guy #1: "I know. I've done like 40 shots already."

Guy #2: "We got here ten minutes ago. And 40 shots in ten minutes would probably kill the average man."

Guy #1: "That should tell you how blitzed I am."

- Northern Illinois

-- Submitted by Newbie

Forget football. Debate is where it's at.

Guy #1: "We are going to ROCK debate this year."

Guy #2: "Hell, yeah we are. It's going to be an ad hominem attack year. SENIORS! SENIORS!"

- Oak Park River Forest High School

-- Submitted by Ragu

Too practical.

Guy: "Did you guys get the water tester for baby baths?"

Girl: "Yeah."

Guy: "Isn't that the best invention ever? You stick it in the water for a second and it tells you whether the water is too hot or just right for baby's bath!"

Girl: "We threw ours away."

Guy: "What?!?"

Girl: "I have a better invention that does the same job. It's called my finger."

- Blue Line

-- Submitted by Maria

Thursday, August 16, 2007

Killing is bad, mmkay.

Guy #1: (on cell) "Yeah, dipshit. Mr. Mackey is a great voice to use when discussing a murder-suicide. "

- Green Line

-- Submitted by Javy

And drugs, right? Right?!

Frat boy 1: "Man, this is seriously JUST what it must've been like during Woodstock."

Frat boy 2: "Yeah, but this time it's without all the dirty hippies."

- Lollapalooza

-- Submitted by Stacy

It would be dolf.

Guy #1: "I'm bored. Let's go play some frisbee golf."

Guy #2: "It's called disc golf. Frisbee is a company."

Guy #1: "Who cares? Besides, if you call it disc golf, than you can't shorten it to 'frolf.'"

- Loyola

-- Submitted by Ramblin' Man

Wednesday, August 15, 2007

Shocking. Usually it's fun. Wait. What?

Girl: (on cell) "Playing with dead babies and fetuses was not as fun as I had originally foreseen it."

- UIC Campus

-- Submitted by Donuts

Easily confusable since they look alike.

Girl: (on cell) "I'm in a taxi. I mean I'm on the train."

- Red Line

-- Submitted by Ivan

That way she can't yell at you.

Guy #1: "I got this girl's number on the bus the other day, called her up. I was tryin' to thinkuva a way to say, 'I'd eat your pussy for an hour if you came over.'"

Guy #2: "Text her."

- Red Line

-- Submitted by Priceless

Tuesday, August 14, 2007

30 times a day? Can I marry her?

Trixie: (on cell "OK, look. First off this guy is GOING to marry you. I don't care if you sleep with him 30 times a day or not. You're the hottest thing he's gonna get."

- Barnes and Noble Cafe, Michigan Ave.

-- Submitted by I Just Wanted Some Sugar For My Coffee

I'm mailing this one in.

Lesbian: "Can we go to the post office and fuck?"

- Broadway

-- Submitted by Uptown Spy

They're the new cat.

(Man tries to pet dog)

Woman: "You probably shouldn't do that. She bites."

Man: "I'm sure I'll be fine. I'm used to wolves."

- Halsted and Buckingham

-- Submitted by Cassie

Monday, August 13, 2007

Nyse werc.

Drunk guy: "These guys couldn't spell 'cat' if you spotted them the 'k' and the 't!'"

- Purple Line

-- Submitted by Matt

You should have planned ahead.

Guy #1: " can you help me?"

Guy #2: "Yeah. But what do we have to do?"

Guy #1: "We just need to build the whole room. I have to get the cabinets and tops and everything."

Guy #2: "You should get those things first, then I'll help."

Guy #1: "I don't know what I'm doing. I just wanted to break everything. The sledge hammering part was easy. Now? Now I'm lost."

- Cafe Sushi on Wells

-- Submitted by Willie

How about we start with "a human?"

Flamboyant man to goth woman with purple hair: "Are you a feminist?"

- Metra North

-- Submitted by Robin

Friday, August 10, 2007

Could someone please annihilate young America?

Tween girl: "Do you think they get the Disney Channel in India? Because I couldn't live somewhere that didn't show Hannah Montana."

- Broadway and Webster

-- Submitted by Annoyed at Youth

That won't get her publicity.

Girl 1: "On the radio this morning, they said that Angeline Jolie is in town for the next couple weeks."

Girl 2: "Seriously? That's so cool. I wonder if she wants to adopt a nice 18 year old. If so, I'm free."

- Lakeview Bus Stop

-- Submitted by Maria

So you didn't like Batman Begins?

Guy #1: "...and all the filming made getting to work nearly impossible. I'm bat-pissed off."

Guy #2: "It wasn't too bad and they weren't really doing anything during rush hour. I didn't have any problems."

Guy #1: "That's bat-crap. It was bat-awful. If they keep it up, I'm going to punch their bat-faces with my bat-fists. That'll bat-teach 'em."

- Wacker and Wabash

-- Submitted by Frankie

Thursday, August 09, 2007

Yup. A lobotomy.

Guy #1: "I think I'm devoid of feelings. Like, completely stunted."

Guy #2: "How do you figure? I've seen you laugh and stuff."

Guy #1: "But they aren't real, guttural laughs. They're more, I don't know, fake."

Guy #2: "So you don't have any emotions?"

Guy #1: "No. Like, my aunt dies, and I don't care. My girlfriend breaks up with me, I don't feel anything. I get a new job, nothing. It's like someone reached into my brain and took that part out of me."

Guy #2: "Like a lobotomy?"

Guy #1: "No. Into my brain."

- Panera, Old Orchard

-- Submitted by Sandwich

It makes the Middle East look like a cake walk.

Girl: (on cell) "No, this was a crisis of epic proportion. He kept talking about salsa and I kept talking about merengue. If we can't choose which one we're going to do, we may have to break the whole thing off."

- Michigan Ave.

-- Submitted by The Walker

She's selfish.

Guy: (on cell) "I think she should do porn, but she's vehemently against it. We could definitely use the money."

- Red Line

-- Submitted by Carlos

Wednesday, August 08, 2007

Then it wouldn't need to be too big.

Guy: (on cell) "I just need a carnivourous plant. No, bigger than that. Like in 'Little Shop of Horrors.' Right, except instead of eating everyone, it just ate assholes."

- Blue Line

-- Submitted by Cindy

Who wants a steak and peanut butter smoothie?

Girl #1: "If I was going to give someone all the food in my fridge that I didnt want to have it, I would put all the food in a blender and give it to them in a big thermos."

Girl #2: "Yeah, but you'd have to have them sign something, because they could easily just go back on it and then you would have just blended all the food in your fridge."

- Downtown

-- Submitted by Listening

How crude!

Girl: "...the only problem is that it didn't have a dick!"

Guy: "You know I don't approve of such language. I would definitely prefer if you called it a johnson or a shmeckel."

- UIC Campus

-- Submitted by Sparky

Tuesday, August 07, 2007

Tough call.

(Wheelchair Guy is blocking a couple of the handicapped seats.)

Elderly Woman: "Driver, that's not fair! These seats are being blocked! I'm 80! We should get them."

Guy in Wheelchair: "Yeah and I'm a paraplegic and and war veteran. Your legs work fine. Who trumps who?"

- 92 Foster Bus

-- Submitted by Kat

Posting makes the, uh, mosting.

Suit: (on cell) "Yeah. Uh huh. Right. No, I agree. I thought Lawrence was on that one. Yeah. Right. I completely agree and I think the thing to keep in mind is that teamwork makes the dream work"

- Red Line, Thorndale

-- Submitted by Chris Couch

The old "I don't remember talkinga bout that" routine.

Girl: (on cell) "Within five or ten minutes of our sort of pseudo first date, we realized that at least 3 of our conversation topics, which I had brought up mind you, we had spoken about in depth when we first met, I had blacked out them all. I had to apologize for being such a drunk."

- Ashland and Grand

-- Submitted by Just Waiting For The Bus

Sounds dangerous.

Man: "I'm not gonna go as crazy tomorrow as I did today;I'm gonna go twice as crazy!"

- Red Line

-- Submitted by Nah Nah

Friday, August 03, 2007


Sorry about the lack of posting today, but we were in the middle of having our second daughter. At 1:06, we had another little girl! YAY!

Thursday, August 02, 2007

Woman: Making life easier, one man at a time.

Woman: "I'm hungry."

Man: "Then eat something."

Woman: "I don't feel like eating."

Man: "So don't eat."

Woman: "But I'm hungry!"

Man: "What the hell do you want me to do? Get you a feeding tube? Do you now want to eat or are you just too damn lazy to chew?!"

- Randolph and Clark

-- Submitted by Jeannie

The kid is going to be quite the negotiator.

Mom: "If you behave at the restaurant, than you get a treat when we get home."

Kid: "Ice cream?"

Mom: "No."

Kid: "Popsicle?"

Mom: "No."

Kid: "Then I'm not behaving."

- Catch 35

- Submitted by Waiter

Try your spam folder.

Guy: "My doctor said I can't get it because I don't need it, but I really feel like it would help. I'm pretty sure Viagra would work, I just don't know where to get it now."

- Midway Airport

-- Submitted by 22

Wednesday, August 01, 2007

You may get fired first.

Guy #1: "I just need to figure out a way to quit."

Guy #2: "How about going to your boss's office and telling him, 'I'm quitting' or 'I'm giving notice?'

Guy #1: "No. That wouldn't be good."

Guy #2: "But it would be right."

Guy #1: "I'd rather get on the PA and say something like, 'This is John. This job can go to hell. Suck my balls. That is all.'"

- Michigan Ave.

-- Submitted by Laird

I hate trick questions.

Guy: "Want to go fuck in the park?"

Girl: "No."

Guy: "Oh, you're repressed."

Girl: "You can't shame me into having sex with you in the park."

Guy: "That's okay, I just thought you were fun, and it turns out you're not."

Girl: "That only works on insecure girls. Do I look insecure to you?"

- Oz Park

-- Submitted by Two Steps Behind

Sounds delish.

Girl: (on cell) " I told him that green beans can go in casseroles or soups, but definitely not cookies."

- Red Line

-- Submitted by Gio