Zap! Pow! BANG!

Suit: (on cell) "No. You punch, then kick, then kick, then punch. If you don't do it in a rhythm, you'll end up dead. Yes, that would be bad."

- Hyde Park

-- Submitted by Maroon

Deep thoughts

Stoner #1: "I don't know. It's weird. I mean, do you think aliens have movies?"

Stoner #2: "Why not? You have to assume they're as technological as us, if not more."

Stoner #1: "Then do you think their movies about alien invasions has us coming to their planet blowing shit up and killing everything?"

Stoner #2: "That would be totally awesome. But if they're apes, then they would have like 'Planet of the Humans.'"

- Millenium Park

-- Submitted by Kaz

Full of bologna

Suit: (on cell) "Aww, come one, Rich. I was hoping to leave before the little flamer got here. He always looks at me like I'm a piece of lunch meat."

- Michigan Ave.

-- Submitted by Ralphie

It's too bright! My ahz! My ahz!!!!

Foriegn Woman: "What color are you ahz?"

Smart American Man: "Excuse me?"

Foriegn Woman: "What color your ahz?"

Smart American Man: "My ass?! It's the same color as the rest of me!"

Foriegn Woman: "Not your ass! Your AHZ!!!! AHZ!!!!"

- Water Tower Place

-- Submitted by Baby Blues

So she's hot?

Student: "So we get into this class and the program director starts talking. Then he finishes and this other manager starts talking. I figure one of thsoe is the instructor, but nooooo. Here comes this fat, greasy, slicked back, smelly woman who's supposed to be our teacher. She waddles to her chair, sits down, and starts talking blackboard and powerpoint and zip files. It's the first time I wished a guy was my teacher."

- Outside of Wright College

-- Submitted by Boyzzz

Legalization coming soon

Guy: "I can't work Saturday and have to find a sub."

Buddy: "Where are you goin'?"

Guy: "My cousin Neil is getting married."

Buddy: "Don't you have to go to Hawaii or Canada for that type of ceremony?"

- Green Line

-- Submitted by Raider

When hippies rule the media...

Man: "Universal Studios must get in tune with their inner child. They must get in tune with the evil aspects of their 'Id' which led to such crap television as Battlestar Galactica, Blind Date, Maury Povich and Monk. Then, and only then, can the true healing process begin."

- Denny's near O'Hare

-- Submitted by Andy F.

With a hint of low self esteem

Chick: "I hate the fact that he called me 'snobby.'"

Friend: "But you ARE!"

Chick: "Yeah, maybe a little."

- Outside of Neo on Clark and Fullerton

Land Lubber

Thug: "You swim?"

Abercrombie Swim Shorts Girl: (blank stare)

Thug: "STUPID BITCH!"

- Sheffield and Fullerton

-- Submitted by Cool-leen

Loving husband

Football Fan: "...are you in or not?"

Friend: "I don't think so, I just don't have the time."

Football Fan: "Time?! Dude, I'm in 21 fantasy leagues and I have 15 more to draft for. You MAKE time."

Friend: "I'd rather spend time with my wife."

Football Fan: "Forget that. For the next 6 months, my wife is dead to me. Football is my woman now."

- Metra

-- Submitted by Winter

George Washington rookie card! AWESOME!

Mom: "You're saving those baseball cards?"

Kid #1: "Yeah, they'll be really valuable later!"

Kid #2: "Why?"

Kid #1: "Old stuff is valuable. Like, if you have baseball cards from the eighteenth century, those are worth lots of money now."

- Old Orchard Barnes and Noble

-- Submitted by Jimmy

A cup is good, a bowl is life changing.

Woman: "...so I said forget it, the wedding is off. Now I just want some tortilla soup and a hug."

- Corner Bakery

-- Submitted by Eric

Melt away your pain

Guy: "Look, bro. If you're going to force yourself to choke on food, at least choke on an ice cube. That way, it's guaranteed to not kill you."

- Bennigan's Downtown

-- Submitted by Crease

And they spiked his brain in the endzone.

Football Kid #1: "Ray got hurt pretty bad, Dad."

Dad: "I'm sure he'll be fine, son."

Football Kid #1: "He was screaming when he fell."

Football Kid #2: "I think his leg got torn off and his guts were on the ground!"

- West Suburban Pee Wee Practice

-- Submitted by Go Bears!!!!

Go with the Chief.

Woman: (on cell) "Who do I have to talk to in order to get it done? A doctor? A lawyer? An Indian Chief? I'll do whatever I have to!"

- Skokie

-- Submitted by Raul

I think it's over.

Guy: (on cell) "Stop calling me, Lisa. I've told you to fuck off 100 times yet you still think there's something there. I don't know how to say fuck off any other way. Why don't you go ask your dad for some more money so you can buy stuff and then feel sorry for yourself. Bitch!"

- Red Line

-- Submitted by KC

He prefers fuzzy balls.

Guy: "Hey man. You want to go shoot some hoops?"

Buddy: "Nah. I'm meeting Jenny and we're going to go play some tennis."

Guy: "Tennis? JENNY?! What the hell happened to your penis?"

- Westmont

-- Submitted by Will

Wear shower shoes. And bring a bat.

Girl: "The showers are scary. I just feel like at any point, the shower could end up eating me alive."

- UIC Campus

-- Submitted by Jo

Good thing Bloomingdale's is cheap.

Girl #1: "Shopping has been hard! I need more new clothes for the year. Let's go after class."

Girl #2: "Okay. Where do you want to go?"

Girl #1: "Bloomingdale's?"

Girl #2: "Sure. Let's go. Want to grab lunch?"

Girl #1: "Naw. I can't afford to eat out."

- North Suburban High School

-- Submitted by Ralph

School's are back!

Girl: "Have you ever walked down the street and wanted to jump in front of a car?"

Friend: "God, no!"

Girl: "Oh..uh...me neither. Someone else asked me that before."

- Loyola

-- Submitted by Rambler

Soooo it's urgent.

Suit: (on cell) "It was supposed to get done. I need it done. If you don't finish, the whole project gets held up at least 3 weeks. Come on, Bob! Your portion is hotter than a two blonds doing a lesbian scene!"

- Michigan Ave.

-- Submitted by Dink

Fiscal responsibility

Woman: "...So I buy that table off of QVC and in two days, the glass is shattered. So I call them up and tell them what happened. She looked at my file and said, 'Sure you can return it.'"

Man: "Even though you broke it?"

Woman: "Yeah. I'm a star customer for them. I spend so much money on QVC, I don't know how I'm going to pay for my kids to go to college."

- Leo Burnett Building Elevator

-- Submitted by Toshiba

Those goth kids sure can dance, though.

Grandpa: "If you wear that goth crap, you're going to hell."

Grandson: "So you're saying if I wear those chain pants I'm going to hell?"

Grandpa: "No. That's not what I'm saying. (looks at goth girl) See, she's going to hell!"

- Hot Topic at Gurnee Mills

-- Submitted by Anwar

Sounds heavy

Girl: "Oh my GOD, she got fat."

Guy: "Nah. It's her hairstyle."

Girl: "No. It's her ass."

- Morton Grove

-- Submitted by Power

Imagine that

Crazy Dude: "Now that is some camera!"

Camera Guy: (nervous smile)

Crazy Dude: "All I've got is this imaginary camera!"

- Red Line

-- Submitted by Sarah

Don't worry. It's not the tallest in the world anymore.

Dad: "...the tallest building in the world. Isn't it cool?"

Child: "That's real tall, Dad. It's scary. I don't like high stuff."

Dad: "Then you're going to hate it when we're all the way up top."

- Sears Tower Entrance

-- Submitted by Clyde

Cable guy?

Woman: (on cell) "You were supposed to be there on Friday! I expect to see you tomorrow. Well, Monday then. No. NEXT WEEK! Well then when are you available? (red faced) I'M NOT WAITING 9 MORE WEEKS! YOU COME TOMORROW OR I'LL CUT YOU!"

- Elk Grove Village

-- Submitted by Lucy

So crazy he's sane.

Guy: "He wasn't the nicest of people, was he?"

Woman: "Naw. He's selfish. He's so selfish he's ignorant. His ignorance has made him crazy."

- Adams

-- Submitted by Grille

Smoke free? Not exactly.

Lady: "The east stairwell is smoke free?"

Fire Safety Trainer: "Correct."

Lady: "We've been having fire drills down both the east and the west fire exits!! We'll start doing drills down just the east stair case from now on!"

Fire Safety Trainer: "NO!! DO NOT DO THAT!! Continue having the drill down both staircases. Just because it is called a smoke free stairwell doesn't mean that nothing could go wrong or that smoke can't get in it."

- 401 Michigan

-- Submitted by Dizzy

Bank on it.

Stoner #1: "Whoa, whoa, whoa. Everyone look. That's LaSalle street."

Stoner #2: "Yeah it is."

Stoner #1: "There's a LaSalle Bank. Dude! If there's a LaSalle Bank on LaSalle street, I think my universe will be at ultimate zen."

- LaSalle and Adams

-- Submitted by Huevos

Hygiene is important

Bum: "Gentleman. I don't need money and I don't need food. However, I am in need of a hairbrush. If any of you would be so kind. I haven't brushed my hair in weeks and it's getting knotty and matted."

- Potbelly's on Jackson

-- Submitted by Mike

Small 15 year old.

Woman: "Calm down, Peter."

Man: "Absolutely not! There's absolutely no reason our 15 year old daughter should be wearing the same size clothing as our 3 year old!"

- Gurnee Mills

-- Submitted by Sugar

It's a mystery.

Girl: (on cell) "No. Shut up. Shut up. Shut up! SHUT UP! SHUT THE HELL UP! The problem is you never talk to me and I don't understand why."

- Forest Glen

-- Submitted by Chile

It's been done.

Suit: "If you could start any business, what would you do?"

Dude: "I totally wish I could start Walgreens. They're loaded."

- The Big Downtown

-- Submitted by Sanwich

She's helping out UPS.

Girl #1: "...I just got a coupon for 30% off. I'm totally going to get it online!"

Girl #2: "But you have to pay shipping and handling, which will put the 30% right back."

Girl #1: "So? I'll break even."

Girl #2: "Why not walk to Barnes and Noble and pick it up? It's two friggin blocks from your house!"

Girl #1: "I like getting packages."

- Blue Line

-- Submitted by Alice

Even YOU

Homeless Lady: "Any ONE of you all could be a rapist and I wouldn't know. No, Sir. Man or woman. You ain't touchin' this beautiful temple. None of you is going to rape this queen. I kill you like the last 100 of um. Animals."

- UIC

-- Submitted by Sparky

Small joke

Suit: (on cell) "Hey Joe. Remember that budget proposal I sent over a few weeks ago? Yeah, that one. Don't worry about it. No, no, no. It was just a joke. A 22 million dollar, two weeks of work, god damn joke."

- Purple Line

-- Submitted by Chuck

The future.

Black Teen: "Word?"

White Teen: "Word."

Black Teen: "Word?"

White Teen: "Word."

Black Teen: "Word."

- Green Line

-- Submitted by Xan

Kathy Griffin?

Guy: (on cell) "Horseshit. That woman couldn't deliver a joke if she used US Postal."

- Morton Grove

-- Submitted by Queenie

Endagered ashtrays

Smoker: "I hate smoking in the house. I only smoke inside the house because I have these cool ashtrays that I don't want to take outside."

- Belmont Chipotle

-- Submitted by Josh

They're better than you.

Guy: "I totally hate people who don't move to the back of the bus when it is obvious that it is crowded. I seriously can't stand it!"

Girl: "I know it drives me nuts too."

Guy: "No, it really drives me crazy. I mean, here's the deal. It's usually some blonde with her ipod or her cell phone that always acts like she has no clue. Everyone will be staring at her, giving her the evil eye and she'll have no clue. Uhm. Hello! How can you NOT see that people are staring?! Guys never have a problem with moving to the back. Just lame blondes."

- 151 Bus

-- Submitted by Dizzy

A job that blows.

Lady #1: "I keep seeing those summer cash signs everywhere. They any good?"

Lady #2: "I don't know. They seem sketchy. You probably get summer cash for performing some summer oral."

- Millenium Park

-- Submitted by Casey

Swinging good time

Guy #1: "...and we're heading up to my buddy's cabin. We're going to meet some other couples up there. It'll be a fun weekend."

Guy #2: "Just make sure that when you throw all your keys into the bowl, you don't get picked by a dude."

- Purple Line

-- Submitted by Tam

State of Sheer Stupidity

Boutique Clerk: "What is your address?"

DC Girl: "[Address], Washington DC, 20001."

Boutique Clerk: "Ok. What state?"

DC Girl: "DC."

Boutique Clerk: "I know. What state?"

- Oak Street Boutique

-- Submitted by D

Must be Gargamel

Office Guy: "Did you see Sarah today? What's up with that all blue getup?"

Workmate: "I don't know, but it does satisfy my curiosity of seeing what Smurfette would look like 200 lbs heavier."

- Deloitte Building

-- Submitted by Wayne

Honesty. The best policy.

Passerby: "Good morning."

Bum: "Not when you're homeless, asshole."

- Arrigo Park near UIC

-- Submitted by Q

Blackberries are evil

Random Guy: "Good thing you're paying attention. You almost got hit by two cars!"

Woman: "I was checking a work email. It's important."

Random Guy: "I hope it was work telling you how to be an invincible, oblivious idiot."

- Lincoln Park

-- Submitted by Pree

Good luck

New Grad: "...and finding work has been pretty hard. You'd think I would have found a job by now."

Friend: "Just keep interviewing man. It'll come."

New Grad: "I know. I just wish I could find a job where I get to work two weeks out of a month. That way I'm always refreshed and ready to work."

- Metra

-- Submitted by Ed

Bad approach

Bum: "Screw this happy world shit. I'm tired of saying please. I just want some god damn money. No please. No thank you. Just give me something and be nice for once in your life."

- Near the Merchandise Mart

-- Submitted by Ross

Startin' 'um young

5-year-old boy: "... and I can smoke my own ..."

- Millenium Park

-- Submitted by Paul B.

Were you looking for a $5 bill?

Bum: "God bless you today. Hungry but happy. God bless."

(Man drops some change into cup.)

Bum: "YOU SUCK, ASSHOLE!"

- Near Downtown Hooters

-- Submitted by Dapper Dan

Did she get the job?

Suit: "She was wearing sandals, jeans, and a tank top. Plus she was chewing gum. It was honestly one of the worst interviews I have ever taken part in."

Suit #2: "But she was hot."

Suit: "Soooo hot."

- Hancock Building

-- Submitted by Ryer

Must be a Jehovah's Witness.

Guy: (on cell) "I treat religion the same way I treat gays: I don't care what you do, just don't try to convert me."

- Evanston

-- Submitted by Carol

Or ride a bike.

Woman: "...the email said that if you only buy small amounts of gas, you'll force gas prices down."

Friend: "Really? I should try that. Fight the gas man."

Stranger: "Are you two for real? That's not how economics works and it's a stupid notion to begin with."

Woman: "Well then how do you suggest we make gas prices go down, smarty?"

Stranger: "How about you stop driving?!"

- State of Illinois Building

-- Submitted by Gasshole

Newsflash: Gas prices are high.

Dude: "...and I have to ride the train because gas prices are too high."

Guy: "Yeah. You have to sell your first born and an arm and a leg."

Dude: "No way, man. That won't even get you half a tank."

- Red Line

-- Submitted by Lady Jay

So....awake?

Girl: "I'm tired."

Boy: "Oh? You want to go home? I don't care about seeing the movie."

Girl: "No. I'm not tired tired. I'm like tired not tired."

- Bennigan's in the Burbs

-- Submitted by Rart

No. You are. Shut up.

Idiot: "No, some people just don't get it..."

Smart Friend: "Get what? That you're an idot? Trust me, everyone gets that."

- Riverwalk

-- Submitted by Fech!

This should be an ad slogan

Businessman: (on cell) "No way, brudda. I'm the best. (pause) How do I know? Because water covers 70% of the earth and I cover the rest. Case closed."

- State Street

-- Submitted by Rock

The beat goes on.

Mom's Friend: "You treat your mom that way? You're lucky. At my house we beat kids."

Kid: "Uh..."

Mom's Friend: "Oh yeah. We beat kids with belts, with shoes. Hangers"

Kid's Mom: (defensively) "We beat kids at our house, too!"

- Pita Inn, Dempster, in Skokie

-- Submitted by Maureen

How about kerkaflerp?

Teen: "Do you think if I make up my own word, I can become famous? People would think of me every time they used it!"

Teen #2: "Who the hell do you think of when you use words, idiot?"

- Old Orchard Shopping Center

-- Submitted by XY

It's a football town.

Woman: (on cell) "Don't worry, honey. He'll talk to you again. Bears season is coming up and that brings all Cubs and Sox fans together. Especially when the big screen is at your house."

- Michigan Ave.

-- Submitted by Terry

Damn! I thought it was Marriage-N-Things.

Wonderful Wife: "Ugh. Where did my husband go? Oh, THERE you are. My GOD. So you'll follow me around a STORE but not to marriage counseling."

- Linens-N-Things

-- Submitted by Laura

Gamerz are 1337. That's elite for all you non-dorks.

Dork: "...I stayed up all night playing online."

Geek: "Cool."

Dork: "I didn't feel like fighting with my clan, so I basically took a walk around the lands and went fishing for a while."

Geek: "Awesome. That's why I love online life. You can just walk and fish and chill without anyone trying to kill you."

- Woodfield Mall

-- Submitted by Al

Desperation

Bum #1: "What do I got to do to get some change? What if I put on a show? (starts nodding up and down) Look, everyone! I'm a bobblehead."

- Jeweler's Row

-- Submitted by Gonzo

U-G-L-Y. She ain't got no alibi.

Guy #1: "Have you thought about going out with her? I mean, she's looking, too."

Guy #2: "No way. She's not my type."

Guy #1: "Aw, sure she is. If you can get past the fact that she's unattractive, it could definitely work."

- Green Line

-- Submitted by Steen

Hot = Irritable

Suit: "Oh man. Thank god the paper came this morning."

Suit Friend: "Huh?"

Suit: "The front page says it's fucking hot. I swear, if they didn't tell me, I wouldn't have known from the sun being 20 feet away from my face."

- Metra

-- Submitted by Tom

Yeah. That'll do it.

Girl: "...there's just so much violence and hate. I wish there was something we could do."

Friend: "Like make everyone sit down and bake cookies."

- Maine South High School

-- Submitted by Chevelle

She's just Mormon.

Crazy Woman: (shouting) "Bitch! You get away! He's my primary husband!"

Other Woman: (shouts incoherently from afar)

Crazy Woman: "I'll kill you! He's my primary husband, not yours!"

- Hyde Park

-- Submitted by Aetg

Not as good as a matza ball

Guy: (on cell) "...I'm telling you dude, I couldn't believe it. I brought the waiter over and told him. There was seriously a fly in my freakin' soup!!! Just like on TV!"

- Schaumburg

-- Submitted by Dracoola

Bicyclops

Spandex Biker: "Stay out of the middle of the path, bitch, and watch your fuckin' kid!!!"

Second Biker: "Calm down. It's just a kid."

Spandex: "Mind your own business! I could have lost a fuckin eye! What do you think of THAT?!"

Second Biker: "Then you would have been a one-eyed asshole."

- 3300 N and the Lakefront Bike Path

-- Submitted by Irish Pirate

He magically hasn't gotten his ass kicked

Girl: "...I don’t like Jeff Gordon."

Friend: "Why not?"

Girl: "I don’t know, there’s something about him. He thinks he’s a magician."

- Metra

-- Submitted by Dubya