The power of alcohol.

Guy: (on cell) "...and then I started sobering up and looked at her. She was just huge. I immediately went soft. I looked at her, looked at my flaccid wang, and just left. I put my underwear on as I walked out the door and the rest of my clothes were just under my arm."

- Howard Street Station

-- Submitted by TexMex

That's one macho dream, brother.

Guy: "And I woke up in a cold sweat. I've had dreams about personalities before, but last nights with Hulk Hogan and Macho Man was intense. There was no sex, thankfully. I think their combined power would have torn me in half."

- Loyola University

-- Submitted by sheep

First impressions.

New VIP: "I think I ate something that did not agree with me."

Secretary: "Why do you say that?"

New VIP: "I'm about to have an ass-plosion, that's why. Where did you say the bathroom was?"

Secretary: "Over there! OVER THERE!"

- 30 N. LaSalle

-- Submitted by Just Me

Sounds right.

Guy: "And the keys to being a manager? That's easy. Do little work. Hook up with the right people. Blame everyone else. Kiss the owners ass, when applicable. Show up late. Accumulate huge expense reports which have little to do with work."

Girl: "Don't forget the two important ones: Talk about how you finished at the top of your class at Shitty U. and barely speak proper English. I had one guy who couldn't write one letter words without using a dictionary."

- Subway Restaurant, 177 N. Wells

-- Submitted by Mike

Gratitude.

Hobo: "Be an angel and give me some change darlin'. A little help."

Upstanding Girl: "Why don't I give you my card? I work with a group who gets the homeless back on their feet. We even have a place for you to stay."

Hobo: "Homeless? HOMELESS? Bitch, if I was homeless, I'd be dead. Damn Chicago weather goes to a million below. You think I could survive that with two newspapers and a box? You must be out yo' god damn mind!"

- State and Jackson

-- Submitted by frizz

Sugary cravings.

Girl: (on cell) "All I remember is waking up with gobs of peanut butter under my arm. I had bought about 15 bags of gummi bears and 30 peanut butter cups. Were we going to bake a peanut butter bear cake or something?"

- Pink Line

-- Submitted by Angelie

March Sadness

Bracket Buster: "I'm this close to winning the pool."

Sad Guy: "I thought this was my year. I watched the NCAA religiously. I even played the video game to give me extra insight. Why is it that you're always in it?"

Bracket Buster: "You go in thinking too much. Who will upset who, road records, shooting percentages, blah, blah, blah. You need to relax and realize that it just takes luck and figuring out the winners instead of trying to guess the losers."

Sad Guy: "How do you propose I do that?"

Bracket Buster: "Easy. Give this winner the money before you even try. Loser."

- East Bank Club

-- Submitted by Cliff

Man's got a point.

Heckler: "Go home, hillbillies! A bunch of men running around in panties, playing bitchfight, then laughing at you guys as you pay a ton of money. It's a big joke! All this stuff is fake!"

WWE Fan: "Aren't all non-reality shows on TV fake? And aren't half the reality shows pretty scripted anyway? Why are you here anyway?"

Heckler: "I see you aren't saying anything about the panties."

- Outside Allstate Arena, before WWE Raw show

-- Submitted by Hulkamania

Bears fans are dedicated.

Bears Fan #1: "Lance Briggs needs to shut up, take his measly 7.2 million, and play."

Bears Fan #2: "Seriously. I know he's worried about long term security, but you can do a lot with 7.2 million over a long time."

Bears Fan #1: "Yeah. Go out and perform again now, asshole. I'm going to boo him until I'm blue and orange in the face."

Bears Fan #2: "Unless he scores a touchdown. Then we cheer."

Bears Fan #1: "Or an interception. Or sack. Other than that, booing til we can't breathe."

- ESPNZone

-- Submitted by airhockey

Unfortunately, yeah. But we're trying.

White Guy: "Why don't you come over? You can come to my home...home-BOYYYYY!"

Black Guy: "Do you realize how big of a dork you are? I mean, you white people need to catch up with new black slang, don't you?"

- DePaul University

-- Submitted by a-list

Good choice.

Guy: "There is no way in hell I would sleep with Kevin Federline, even for a million. Besides being straight, I would be at risk for contracting stupid and wannabe."

- Loyola University

-- Submitted by The Body

Physics is close to phys ed, right?

Woman #1: "Oh, University of Chicago, Class of 2008, what classes are you taking?"

Woman #2: "Mostly physics."

Woman #1: "Oh, so you're going to be a gymnastics teacher or something?"

Woman #2: "No, a physicist. You know, a researcher."

Woman #1: "Oh, so you're going to research gymnastics."

Woman #2: "Not exactly."

- 55 Bus

-- Submitted by Kate

She's a keeper.

Girl: (on cell) "I don't care what he says, I'm still his girlfriend. You're his best friend! Tell him that!"

- Downtown bus

-- Submitted by Mike Rowder

It does a body good.

Guy #1: "I'm not fighting him. No chance."

Guy #2: "You don't have to fight him. Don't be an idiot."

Guy #1: "Don't worry. It's not happening. I didn't drink my milk today anyway. Not enough calcium in the fists."

- Hawkeye's

-- Submitted by Asdf

Must have sucked on the way out.

Old woman: "The horse my granddaughter was riding swallowed a pebble but it ended up being a five pound rock."

- Kmart

-- Submitted by Elora

Well played, sir.

Girl: "We can't be with each other anymore. You're too nice of a guy and I don't think we work well with each other."

Guy: "I'm too nice to you? Well, you smell like a rotten fish in bed."

Girl: "You're a dick."

Guy: "Does this mean we're getting back together?"

- Leone Park, Rogers Park

-- Submitted by LMAO

It's warming up. Maybe you need a new T-Shirt for the summer?

Good point.

Guy: "I used to think it was hot to watch lesbians."

Girl: "What changed?"

Guy: "I realized that was just two more women I wouldn't have a chance with."

- IIT

-- Submitted by Gary

Quite a lesson.

Guy: (on cell) "I'll tell you what I learned today: If I wake up at 6:30 in the morning, I get a boobie show."

- Purple Line

-- Submitted by Crab

They're paying the pests to stay away.

Girl #1: "I'm not going with you!"

Girl #2: "But Whole Foods is totally organic. You know that it's the healthiest for you!"

Girl #1: "Fine. You explain to me why organic food is more expensive then. If they aren't using pesticides and chemicals, shouldn't the shit cost less?"

- DePaul Campus

-- Submitted by Blue Hottie

Manties were in fashion back then.

Guy: (on cell) "So I went to see '300' the other day. Yeah it was good. Nice and violent. You know how I like it. Basically, yeah, except they were all running around in manties."

- Brown Line

-- Submitted by Elora