Nursing Home by Dolce and Gabana

Teen Girl: "So old people buy that and spray it on themselves? I thought that smell was just natural."

- Brown Line

-- Submitted by Corey

Back on Thursday

Happy Fourth of July!

And remember kids: Don't eat firecrackers.

Quite an aspiration.

Guy #1: "I need to get out of this town."

Guy #2: "Where do you want to go?"

Guy #1: "Somewhere bigger with more people and places. Chicago is getting stale."

Guy #2: "That would require money."

Guy #1: "Not when you aspire to be a transient."

- Green Line

-- Submitted by Yen

It's not stealing when you're stuffing it in their clothes.

Drunk Guy #1: "I think we need to go home."

Drunk Guy #2: "I think we need to see boobs."

Drunk Guy #1: "No. I'm tired of seeing them. Everytime we see them, we have problems."

Drunk Guy #2: "Only because you always try to touch."

Drunk Guy #1: "Only because they always steal my money."

- Barleycorn, Wrigleyville

-- Submitted by Jermain

And rightly so.

Guy: (on phone) "I need it shipped next day air. Yeah. No. I need it tomorrow. Yes. Next day air. No. NEXT. DAY. Why is this so hard to understand? If you can't get it to me next day, why do you have next day air? Then it's not next day air. IT DOESN'T MATTER WHEN YOU MANUFACTURE THE THING! If you can't ship it today and have it to me by tomorrow it's not next day! No, I will not calm down. I hate you very much right now."

- Aon Building

-- Submitted by Rita

It'd be the 20's. And he'd have to be a woman.

Bulls Fan #1: "Joakim Noah?! JOAKIM NOAH!? Of all the crappy..."

Bulls Fan #2: "It's not that bad. He's a proven winner. Two rings in college and the star of the team?"

Bulls Fan #1: "Look at what that douchebag is wearing. He's going to be one of two things in the NBA: A goofy doofus who can't score or one of those guys who flops around for loose balls and never gets any, but burns 5 or 6 timeouts a game just trying."

Bulls Fan #2: "I like his bowtie. The man's got style."

Bulls Fan #1: "For a 1950's flapper."

- Buffalo Wild Wings, Niles

-- Submitted by Yummy

A father's dilemma.

Mom: (fixing young girls hair) "Does her ponytail look okay?"

Dad: "I have trouble putting her hairclips in without stabbing her in the head. I have no idea if it looks right."

- Purple Line

-- Submitted by Piglet

It's like drinking donuts.

Girl #2: "I want to go to Jamba Juice."

Girl #1: "Noooo! You have to hold on to your thinspiration, remember? "

Girl #2: "But it's healthy stuff in there. I can have fiber!"

Girl #1: "Becca, they put all kinds of sugar and flour in that stuff. It's for obese people who want to pretend that they're being healthy. Besides, you just ate on Thursday!"

- In front of the Hancock Tower

-- Submitted by Spike

Next time, just assume.

Guy #1: "Welcome back! I'm sorry to hear about your aunt."

Girl: "It's okay. Sometimes it's better this way."

Guy #2: "Oh my god. Did your aunt pass?"

Girl: "No. She won the lottery, braniac."

- Metra Milwaukee District North

-- Submitted by Quirky

And his ugly friend.

Woman #1: "He's cute."

Woman #2: "Except for his face. And hair. And clothes."

Woman #1: "Are we looking at the same guy?"

Woman #2: "Yeah. The cute guy over there."

- The Hunt Club

-- Submitted by Maria

Do you have to pay for the cuddling?

Homeless Guy: "I don't need cash for booze or food, folks. No. Not me. Every man needs a companion. I'm looking to buy a puppy. They're loyal, friendly, and cuddle with you longer than a hooker."

- LaSalle and Erie

Wait. MySpace pictures aren't true representations?!

Girl: "Where did you meet her again?"

Guy: "On MySpace."

Girl: "And you decided a date was a good idea?"

Guy: "Yeah. It's a social network and I was socially networking."

Girl: "Based on pictures and instant messages?"

Guy: "And a phone call."

Girl: "Oh. Well, that's a clincher. Let's just hope she's not a typical MySpace whore with flattering pictures of her head that excludes her plumped out, Cadillac sized ass."

Guy: "She had a nice voice, you know."

- Red Line

-- Submitted by Gray

Note to self: Do NOT come between a girl and her chicken wings.

Guy #1: "...and I was all 'Stop coming up to us! I'm not giving you any damn money, asshole.'"

Guy #2: "Awesome."

Girl: "No, you weren't. You were more 'Uh, I don't have change.' I was the one that threatened to punch him in the head if he didn't leave me and my chicken wings alone."

- Clark and Ontario

-- Submitted by Kate

Oh, Cubs Fans.

Drunk Guy #1: "They should have let 'em fight. Howry vs. Fan. The new 'Thrilla' in Manila.'"

Drunk Guy #2: "We're not in Manilla. And Howry is 7'1" and eats scrap metal for lunch."

Drunk Guy #1: "But it would have been great. That guy would have gone at least four rounds."

Drunk Guy #2: "Not with me. I'm husky."

- Wrigley Field

-- Submitted by Bumblebee

Updates

Sorry about the sporadic updates lately. I've been insanely busy with some things. Things will be back to normal soon and there will be updates tomorrow, guaranteed.

Z

No. In the 'I like mastectomies" way.

Trixie #1: "That dress looks like it's cutting off your boobs."

Trixie #2: "In a bad way?"

- Dressing Room in Andersonville

-- Submitted by Sahagi

There's probably a reason for that.

Little Girl: "...and every time we visit her, Grandma give us cookies."

Teacher: "How many of you get cookies or treats from your Grandma's when you visit? And if they live far away, do they send you cookies? Yes, Jason?"

Little Boy: "My Grandma sent cookies until she died. Then she stopped."

- Northwest Suburban elementary school

-- Submitted by Teacher's Aide

New Orleans is rowdy.

Guy #1: "Let's go, I'm bored."

Guy #2: "We're not leaving. This is for us. We should be proud to be here!"

Guy #1: "I am proud, I'm just bored."

Guy #2: "Is this about Southern Decadence again?"

Guy #1: "You have no idea how crazy that place gets. It makes the Pride Parade look like a knitting circle!"

- Pride Parade

-- Submitted by Gary

Harsh.

Guy #1: "Holy cow! Dave! How are ya!?"

Guy #2: "Uh. Good. I'm sorry, I don't..."

Guy #1: "Liam. New Trier High School. 1995!

Guy #2: "Oh. Yeah. Hey."

Guy #1: "Man, what are you up to nowada..."

Guy #2: "Look. It's been 12 years since we've seen each other. About ten years since I cared how you were doing. My life is different. the people I speak with are different, and I don't feel like reminiscing about the 'good old days.' Let's just go our separate ways and be who we are."

Guy #1: "Just like old times man. You're such a straight shooter! I love that about you!"

- Water Tower Place

-- Submitted by Floyd

Except in Supern Bowls.

Girl: "Indy is like a mini-Chicago."

Guy: "Yeah. Really, really mini."

- Streeterville Bus, Wacker Drive

-- Submitted by Cheri