Does the husband count as one?

Woman: "One baby is an accessory. Two is a family."

- Damen and Division

-- Submitted by CLSB

(Seriously. Anyone who can help me with some webpage stuff, drop me a line. Pretty please?)

(And don't forget to visit my wonderful sponsors!)

At least he's waiting.

Woman: "...and when I talked to the doctor, she said I might be pregnant. What are we gonna do?"

Man: "Take a pregnancy test."

Woman: "And if it's...."

Man: "Shhhh....The pregnancy test will determine whether or not I will continually punch you in the stomach."

- Grant Park

-- Submitted by Jerry

Obviously. There is no shopping cart.

Woman: "Is that another bum over there?"

Man: "No. That's just a trash can."

- North Avenue Beach

-- Submitted Brian

Lucky he didn't fill half a thimble.

Guy in suit: "Can I get a dollar's worth of coffee?"

Barista: "Sir. We don't sell a dollar's worth of coffee."

Guy in suit: "Can you just give me a couple of squirts?"

(Barista fills a half a cup of coffee and the man tries to pay a dollar)

Barista: "Just put it in the tip jar."

- Starbuck's, LaSalle and Washington

-- Submitted by Danielle

(If anyone knows how to design webpages and wants to help me out, please contact me via the submission form!)

Everything comes out looking dirty.

Guy #1 on bike: "My body is a laundromat!"

Guy #2 on bike: "Your body is a laundromat?!?"

- Belmont and Halsted

-- Submitted by Julia Gulia

Everything comes out looking dirty.

Guy #1 on bike: "My body is a laundromat!"

Guy #2 on bike: "Your body is a laundromat?!?"

- Belmont and Halsted

-- Submitted by Julia Gulia

While they laugh right back.

Older guy: (on cell) "...Yeah. With that shirt with white stripes and that white hat. You put that on, sit back, and laugh at the world."

- Nordstrom Rack on State

-- Submitted by Flip-Flop

Can't go without the extra spittle.

Guy: "He's a close talker, but he has no inside voice. It's like he constantly shouts at you. With extra spittle."

- Evanston Northwestern Hospital

-- Submitted by Nurse

Flying off the handle?

Woman: (on office phone) "Yeah, Marcie. I asked him the outfit looked good on me and he said no. Why would he say no? I could put on paisley with a polka dot hat and pull it off. God I wish annulments and divorces were cheaper."

- Downtown Office

-- Submitted by Karey

That garners the wrong attention.

Girl: "Why is your zipper down?"

Guy: "I was trolling."

- Gamekeepers

-- Submitted by Terry

Yes. Like Panda bears.

Mother: "Michael! You get back here right now!"

(Son walks towards her, dejected)

Mother: "I am sick and tired of you throwing rocks around. Can't you throw something soft that doesn't break things?!"

Son: "Like panda bears?"

- North Avenue Beach

-- Submitted by Tanner

It definitely has to match the rest of the douche-fit.

Guy #1: "What are you going to wear to the party?"

Guy #2: "I don't know. Jeans and a polo probably."

Guy #1: "What about the hat?"

Guy #2: "It's still under consideration."

- Northwestern University

-- Submitted by Turbo

She's not cheating, right?

Guy: (on cell) "...all I'm saying is that if you're going to work out, wear underwear. Yeah, but I've seen it before. I'm sure the trainer enjoyed seeing it, but we're still married, Elise."

- Green Line

-- Submitted by Chad

It just pizza, but fattier.

Tourist: "Well I have no idea what a pizza puff is. It must be, like, a muffin or something."

- Chicago Carry-out, Wabash and Harrison

-- Submitted by Zachary

Or married to one.

Guy #1: "What does your wife do?"

Guy #2: "Works."

Guy #1: "Doing what?"

Guy #2: "None of your god damn business, asshole."

Guy #1: "She must be a lawyer."

- Blue Line

-- Submitted by Javy

You can be bald at 15?

Girl: (on cell) "Let's just recount that the funniest part of the day is that one guy's hickey. It's never good to be balding and have one of those."

- Red Line

-- Submitted by Red Head

Which one? WHICH ONE?

Girl: (on cell) "How did it go? Well, did you have fun? Wait. Joe, did you say she was a loser or that she was too loose? Seriously? How do you know?!"

- Purple Line

-- Submitted by Kyle

As opposed to that fake day.

Bum: "Everyone is always worried about Friday then 13th. Friday the 13th this, Friday the 13th that. Let me tell you something, brotha. I'm worried about Wednesday the 8th. That's when the REAL shit hits the fan."

- Outside Union Station

-- Submitted by Rider

Hot or funny?

Guy: (on cell) "Would you think less of me if I told you Dane Cook was hot? Er...Justin Timberlake then?"

- Little Italy

-- Submitted by Mateo

Sounds dangerous.

Girl: (on cell) "Chris, you don't understand. Hang-gliding is dangerous. I mean, what if your parachute didn't open and you died? What if you broke your ankle?!"

- Red Line

-- Submitted by Brazenlizy

Wow. Harsh.

(Two guys outside while it starts to rain)

Guy #1: "Looks like it really is going to rain."

Guy #2: "Oh, ya think so, dickshit?"

- Roosevelt and State

-- Submitted by Idea

Cubs-Sox

Girl: "The Sox are going to sweep both games."

Guy: "There are three games."

Girl: "They're not all today, dumbass."

- Outside Wrigley

-- Submitted by Rowena

Shot down

Guy: (after hitting on girl for prolonged period) "So can I get your number? We can hang out."

Girl: "I'll hang out anywhere you want, as long as you promise not to be there."

- Funky Buddha

-- Submitted by Night'n'gale

Shopping ought to cure your unhappiness

Woman: (on cell) "If I go to the store, will you come with me? Who's going to help me make fun of all the pants that I'm not going to buy? But you know how to laugh at ALL the name brands. Fine. I guess I'll go shopping alone, but I'm not going to be happy about it."

- Red Line

-- Submitted by Donut

I think the spark is gone.

Guy #1: "...and you guys are getting a dog?"

Guy #2: "My wife figures we have just enough space in the bed for a dog. The way I figure it, we have enough space for the dog and my wife and I'll be able to get my own place."

- Wabash and Roosevelt

-- Submitted by Jan

It's already got a head, but no neck.

Flamboyant Guy: "...he wants to wear the foreskin like a turtleneck."

- Minibar

-- Submitted by Spinner

It's both.

Girl: "...and I think he's so creepy. He's either trying to gross me out or he just really, REALLY loves the smell of my shoes."

- Northwestern

-- Submitted by Jerry

Half of one, more than half of the other.

Guy: (on cell) "I'm fat enough that skinny people think I'm fat, but skinny enough that fat people envy me."

- Green Line

-- Submitted by Carolina

Maybe not everybody all the time.

Guy: "Do you think God watches what we do every day?"

Girl: "I think so."

Guy: "Shit."

- South Loop

-- Submitted by Yan

Keep digging, friend.

Guy: (no cell) "No babe, you shouldn't go on a diet. No. I love you anyway. Er, not anyway, I love you no matter how you look. No! You're not fat! I'm just saying that if you were I would still love you. Sure I'm sure. I love you now, right? THAT'S NOT WHAT I MEANT! You're beautiful to me...you know...forget it."

- Red Line

-- Submitted by Don

But they're free....

Guy #1: "A lot of the girls I meet are totally into me."

Guy #2: "No they aren't."

Guy #1: "Yeah they are. I could totally have a different chick every night."

Guy #2: "Are you insane? You could put a 'Free Gucci Bags' sign on your front door and you STILL wouldn't attract a girl."

Guy #1: "Only 'cause Gucci is totally out."

- Northeastern University

-- Submitted by Clothesline

I guess that's a bonus.

Guy #1: "I love showering. There's no better time."

Guy #2: "Especially since you can scratch your ass without getting stink finger."

- Red Line

-- Submitted by Sandoval

Well...yeah.

Guy: (on cell) "Oh Jesus! No! I wouldn't date that guy if I were straight!

- Grant Park

-- Submitted by Band

Pure Honesty.

Employee: "Anything I can help you find?"

Patron: "Inspiration."

- Bockwinkle's, Park Millenium Building

-- Submitted by Haynes

Pure Honesty.

Employee: "Anything I can help you find?"

Patron: "Inspiration."

- Bockwinkle's, Park Millenium Building

-- Submitted by Haynes

Calling her bluff?

Woman: "Jay! Put the fork down. You're going to jab it into your eye."

Boy: "No, I won't, ma. I'm just playing with it."

Woman: "You want me to put it in your eye for you?"

Boy: "I dare you."

- IHOP, North Side

-- Submitted by Linda

A sister's love is uncompromising.

Guy: (on cell) "She told me she was coming over and I felt like Alien. No, the part where the thing comes out of my stomach. No, I'm not pregnant. I'm not pregnant! Damn it. Would you feel better if I said the part where the alien gets sucked out the shuttle door's window? Fine. But if you tell mom I'm pregnant, I'm going to end you."

- Red Line

-- Submitted by Carla's Ears

Fuh. Reak.

Guy: "There's nothing I love more than getting my ass kicked by a bunch of women. Bruises. Cuts. Black eyes. So hot. So awesome."

- Belmont Ave.

-- Submitted by Purps

That's a good thing?

Guy: (on cell) "I'm telling you, the sex was great. It was very passionate and romantic. Her? Man. The best. She was all squishy."

- Skokie Swift

-- Submitted by Carlos

Either the TV is small or...

Guy #1: "I'm telling you my TV is huge."

Guy #2: "Wait...how big is your TV?"

Girl: "About twice the size of your head."

- South Loop

-- Submitted by Miss E.

Yes, fattie.

Guy: "Escuuuuuse me, mothafucka! Do I look like I could eat a 100 chicken nugget meal?"

- Southport and Grace

-- Submitted by A.Rem

The doorknob would get in the way.

Guy: "Where are you going?"

Girl: "Home."

Guy: "I have the keys."

Girl: "Shove them up your ass."

Guy: "That would make it even harder to get in the house."

- Hawkeye's

-- Submitted by Trainwreck

You need to stop working for that?

Creepy Guy: "A man should really retire when he's 55. That way he can fuck all the young women."

- #60 bus

-- Submitted by Anthony

Godspeed, sir

Worker: "I am DETERMINED to fasten these pants!"

- Loop Office

-- Submitted by Jonathon

Daddy-daughter day.

Updates tomorrow.

She's so selfish.

Girl: (on cell) "She's all threatening to commit suicide and I'm, like, 'Why do you always do this to me right before finals? Why?'"

- Uptown

-- Submitted by Spinner

Because you're BFF or because he's ugly?

Girl #1: "I'd never screw your dad."

Girl #2: "Uh-huh."

Girl #1: "Seriously. If he was trying to screw me, I wouldn't do it. Just so you know."

- Lakeview

-- Submitted by Papa Bear

It was possessed.

Woman: "It was the happiest day of my life, the day we got rid of that chainsaw."

- PePe's Downtown

-- Submitted by Dave

Can't beat the dry weather there.

Girl #1: "You headed home for the summer?"

Girl #2: "Yeah. I need to get out Chicago. This humidity is going to drive me crazy."

Girl #1: "Where do your parents live?"

Girl #2: "Miami."

- UIC

-- Submitted by Clopa

They're in charge of your money, folks.

Supervisor: "Your email address will be your first initial followed by your last name."

New Hire: "What if you aren't sure what your name is?"

Supervisor: "I'd question your interviewer as to why you have the job."

- Corporate Training Center for a large bank group

-- Submitted by New Banker

Are you sure?

Guy: (on cell) "No, dude. Wrong number. No prob."

(cell rings)

Guy: (on cell) "No, it's not Frank. Wrong number. Uh huh."

(cell rings)

Guy: (on cell) "ARE YOU AN IDIOT?! THIS ISN'T K.H. JAMES, ASSHOLE!"

- Blue Line

-- Submitted by Glory

People must act like they care.

Girl: (on cell) "I'm an actress, but I'm so busy working, I don't have time to act. It's like I have to work on acting but I can't because I'm working without acting. My life is in turmoil. TURMOIL!"

- Red Line

-- Submitted by Johnny JJ

Someone get her some antiperspirant

Girl: "My fingers are always cold, but my armpits feel like they are on fire!"

- South Loop

-- Submitted by Lisa

Why worry about disease?

Guy: (on cell) "I'm thinking of picking up some morning after pills instead of a box of condoms."

- #80 bus

-- Submitted by A Hill

One of them is ready.

Guy #1: "You ready?"

Guy #2: "For what?"

Guy #1: "YOU READY?!"

Guy #2: "FOR WHAT?!"

Guy #1: "YEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!"

- Bally's, North Side

-- Submitted by Kenny

You don't look intelligent.

Girl: "Where are you from?"

Guy: "Russia."

Girl: "Where is that?"

Guy: "It's a big country in Asia."

Girl: "You don't look asian."

- Bar Louie, UIC

-- Submitted by Colin

A father's love is undying.

Guy #1: "I would totally do Britney if she didn't have kids."

Guy #2: "Don't you have kids?"

Guy #1: "Yeah, but why would I want her baggage, too?"

- Green Line

-- Submitted by Reef

Someone needed to teach her a lesson.

Train Operator: (Over loudspeak) "Same mom, same kids, running for the train every day when we get to this stop. (sighs in disgust) IT HELPS IF YOU HOLD THEIR HANDS!"

- Red Line

-- Submitted by Jill

Dude. It's just candy.

Guy: "I need to order more candy, but first I need a gun."

- Jewel-Osco, Clark/Gregory

-- Submitted by Chris

He must have problems at interviews.

Girl #1: "So did you go home with that guy last night?"

Girl #2: "Yeah."

Girl #1: "He was super drunk."

Girl #2: "I thought so, too! Then I woke up the next morning and it turns out that's just what his face looks like."

- Red Line

-- Submitted by Dot

Valid reason.

Guy: "My boss is an asshole, but I can get him fired."

Girl: "So why don't you get him fired?"

Guy: "And give up hand? I hold it over his head all the time."

Girl: "What if he gets fired and you get his job and a fat raise?"

Guy: "And be the asshole that can get fired by some douchebag like me? No thanks."

- Red Line

-- Submitted by Quentin

Wrong month.

Kid: "Happy Halloweeeeeeeeen, SUCKAS!"

- Uptown

-- Submitted by Spinner