If you were, you'd be screaming louder.

(Looking for another manager in a warehouse)

Manager: "JESSE! (pause) JESSE!)

Laborer: "You still haven't found Jesse?"

Manager: "No. Do you think I was screaming his name because I was screwing him?"

- Schaumburg

-- Submitted by R.M.

How often does that happen?

Girl: "...And the cut on my hand keeps throbbing."

Friend: "It's weird. I figure that when my hand throbs, it's healing."

Girl: "But when mine throbs, it pulses BIG TIME. It feels like my heart is in my hand."

Friend: "It's only that strong for me when I cut my ass."

- On the Blue Line

-- Submitted by Barry

They are the scariest breed

Black Dude: "COME AND GET ME! COME AND GET ME!"

Security Guard: "Sir, are you all right?"

Black Dude: "THEY COMIN'! THEY COMIN'! THEY COMIN' TO GET ME!"

Security Guard: "Sir, are you in trouble?"

Black Dude: "Hell yeah! THEY COMIN'! THE POODLES ARE COMIN'!!!"

(Black dude takes off yelling)

- Howard "L" Platform

-- Submitted by Terrell

Not talking maybe a better option

Guy: "When I try to talk clearly I mumble, so I'm trying to mumble more and actually talking clearer."

- At a grocery store

-- Submitted by Dave

That COULD solve the problem

Manager: (on phone) "No. He was supposed to get it done."

Manager: "Before I went on vacation, I took him down and he said he was going to get it done! I come back and NOTHING is finished!"

Manager: "Look. This has become a disaster and it needs to be fixed. The only way I can see it getting done is getting me, you, and Tom in a room and having a threeway."

Manager: "What? How am I a pervert?"

- Merchandise Mart

-- Submitted by I.K.

At least he's covering every color of the rainbow

(Wasted Haitian guy with a thick, French accent. 1:30 AM)

Haitian: "Look at me, in this sea of white motherfuckers!"

Group: "Uh, we have a black guy and an asian!"

Haitian: "Lemme ask a question. Who here loves a big dick?"

Group: "Ummmmmm..."

Haitian: "Ok, ok, ok, lemme ask another question. Who here loves a small dick?"

Group: (creeped out laugh)

Haitian: "Who is gay up in this motherfucker!?!"

Group: "Um, dude, um..."

Haitian: "You know what I hate about americans? (speech begins slurring) They are all so damn inngorant. Ingerant. Ignorant! Oops! Theres my train!"

- Red Line, Berwyn Stop

-- submitted by C.F.

Aren't they supposed to?

Girl: (To Girlfriend) "Do your sleepovers involve a lot of sex?"

- on Bryn Mawr

-- Submitted by Michael

You may be giving adults too much credit

Man: (mutters something under his breath)

Woman: "Kiss my ass! I ain't no six year old! I've got the same amount of patience as any adult: NONE!"

- Bus stop on Chicago/Franklin

-- Submitted by L

Coworkers: Beware

Boss: "There just isn't enough time in a day to get things done."

Higher Level Employee: "Yeah. I wish the day could be extended so we can get things done before we go home."

Lower Level Employee: "Extended?! Isn't enough time?! I wish the days were 2 hours long and one of those hours was lunch."

Boss: "Yeah? After you finished your daily work, what would you do with the other 50 minutes you had every day?"

- Office near State and Van Buren

-- Submitted by anonymous

Fer sher

Dude 1: "No way!"

Dude 2: "Yes way!"

Dude 1: "No way!"

Dude 2: "YES WAY!"

Dude 1: "No you didn't!"

Dude 2: "Totally. It was the best head I ever got, too!"

- Near UIC Pavilion

-- Submitted by Shmippy

Maybe she really does see dead people.

Woman (to 3 others walking with her): "...and I heard a voice in her head -- a thought. ..."

- In front of Sound Bar

-- Submitted by J.C.

Baby Steps

Woman: "I need to quit smoking."

Friend: "You don't smoke that much, do you?"

Woman: "Well, I've gone from 2 packs down to about 7 cigarettes a day."

Friend: "There you go! You're almost there."

Woman: "With cigarettes. I use weed instead."

Friend: "I guess it's better for your lungs. Plus, you're saving on paying that huge cigarette tax!"

- Loyola Campus

-- Submitted by H.D.

I didn't know it was a recognized language

(Women gets bumped by man walking down the street)

Man: "Sorry."

Woman: "Why don't you watch where the hell you're going next time, asshole."

Man: "I'm sorry. I didn't understand you. I don't speak 'bitch'."

- Jackson and Halsted

-- Submitted by UIC dude

It's got to warm up somehow

Tourist 1: "It's way too cold around here."

Tourist 2: "I hear that the weather can change at the blink of an eye in Chicago."

Tourist 1: "I heard that too, but if you blink too much, you could bring in a snowstorm."

Tourist 2: "Or, like, a meteor shower, or something."

- Michigan and Jackson

-- Submitted by Aaron D.

It's better than flying on a pink eye

Black Man: "You going to Fizzy's tonight?"

White Man: "No. Gotta fly to L.A. on a red eye."

Black Man: " look man. They make drops for that.."

- At McDonald's near O'Hare

-- Submitted by Vic

Cellular Phone Follies

Girl On Train: (on handsfree set) "blah blah blah. I know, RIGHT? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH! blah blah blah."

Man: "Excuse me, Miss?"

Girl: (on phone) "Hold on." (To man) "What?"

Man: "Can I ask you a quick question?"

Girl: "Uhh...sure."

Man: "SHUT THE HELL UP YOU BLABBER-MOUTHED, INCONSIDERATE MORON!"

- On the Red Line

-- Submitted by Willie

Judaism DOES have it's oddities

Foreign Lady: "You are Jewish, yes?"

Jewish Lady: "Yes."

Foreign Lady: "So we have Sunday like you have Saturday?"

Jewish Lady: "That's right."

Foreign Lady: "Is it true that Jews have to count how many steps they take?"

Jewish Lady: (stunned look)

- Skokie

-- Submitted by Geema

Anyone got her number?

Woman 1: "Man, that girl was druuuuuunk."

Woman 2: "Nah, she's just really free with her sexuality."

- The Chicago Mercantile Exchange

-- Submitted by Eep

Wait, This ISN'T A Flea Market?

(Customer at checkout holding an old plastic, dashboard fan.)

Customer: "Can I trade you this fan for some Red Dog? I'll pay the dif-risses..."

Cashier: "You have to be kidding me."

- CVS on Jackson and Wells

-- Submitted by Armando Villalobos

It Was a Memorable Night

Guy: "I called you for the past four days! Where you been at?"

Woman: "I didn't see no phone calls. Whatchoo wanted?"

Guy: "I went out with Caroline. It was a great night!"

Woman: "When did you go out?"

Guy: "Saturday night. No, Sunday. No, Friday night. Wait. What day is it?"

- Howard Station Platform

-- Submitted by Eric