That's not an injury, silly.

Guy #1: "The season hasn't even started yet and they're already putting him on the injured list?"

Guy #2: "It's the Bears. But it's a backup fullback. It's not like he's good."

Guy #1: "So what did they put him on IR for?"

Guy #3: "Sucking."

- Shoeless Joe's

-- Submitted by Carlo

Maybe you should call a doctor.

Girl #1: "I can't make it stop!"

Girl #2: "Where's the Visine?!"

Girl #1: "No. No! That won't help. My eyes are totally falling out right now. They're falling out!"

- Lincoln Park Apartment

-- Submitted by Dead Roommate

That will ruin future job prospects.

Guy: "...and they're getting tattoos at 15 and 16 years old. Tattoos!"

Girl: "For real. That means their stupid parents are signing off on those things. If my kid got a tattoo, I would take it off with sulfuric acid. And sand paper."

Guy: "I would tattoo his freaking face. 16? You can barely stand when you go to the bathroom."

- Loyola

-- Submitted by Ramblin' Man

R.I.P. Sopranos.

Guy #1: "Did the cable go out?"

Guy #2: "Call the company! SHIT!"

Guy #3: "No. No! NO! NO! NO! NO!"

Girl #1: "Wait. The credits."

Girl #2: "I bet you after the credits, they're going to show Tony's brains on the floor."

Girl #1: "Or Meadow's."

Guy #1: "Or AJ's. Please. Please Lord. Let it be AJ's."

Guy #2: "Wait. That was it? Fade to black? Does David Chase want us to use our brains and imagine an ending? I want blood!"

- Soprano's Finale Party, Lincoln Park

-- Submitted by Clown

Yours or his?

Girl: (on cell) "No, Rich, I'm not better. That's fine. Well, next time, don't try and grab it in front of my parents."

- Red Line

-- Submitted by Casey

The reason Blockbusters are closing everywhere.

Woman #1: "After work, I'm gon' go rent some videos there, because they three for seven dollars. At Blockbuster, they three for NINE dollars. If you get them there, you SAVE."

Woman #2: "You DO save!"

Woman #1: "That's why I don't go to no Blockbuster no more. I like to SAVE."

- Armitage Bus

-- Submitted by Maim

So that's bad, right?

Woman: "Oh my GOD. Look at her butt! It looks like a giant, sleeping cat."

- Quizno's, Northbrook

-- Submitted by Axe

Is this going to be on the final?

Student #1: What do you think Hitler would have on his iPod?"

Student #2: "I don't know. Probably some Nazi stuff."

- Lincoln Park High School

-- Submitted by Erin

What if the butterflies had razor sharp teeth?

Bum: "Ladies and Gentleman. A dollar a day keeps the visions away. I don't mind when they're birds, I have no problem with butterflies. It's the monsters and bears that make me upset. A little help from you will provide a little help for my brain."

- Harrison and Jefferson

-- Submitted by Clark

Excuses, Chimney-head.

Guy #1: "Try hypnosis."

Guy #2: "That never works."

Girl: "Acupuncture?"

Guy #2: "Ouch. No needles."

Guy #1: "Gums?"

Guy #2: "Taste like crap."

Girl: "How about you stop buying the fucking packs?"

Guy #1: "Yeah, right. You're talking to the guy that can't stop at one donut. He has willpower issues."

- Loyola University

-- Submitted by Ramblin' Man

Vicarious living.

Dad #1: "Man. Graduation. And college. My kid really grew up fast. He's going to be special out there."

Dad #2: "Here's to our kids going off into the real world and kicking its ass!"

Dad #1: "And scoring like crazy with the sorority girls!"

- Champps, Old Orchard

-- Submitted by Waiter

They fit so well with his eye sockets.

Hot Guy: "Hi, I'd like to get my hair cut."

Receptionist: "Sure, someone will be available in a few minutes. (pause) By the way, I think you have really cool eyeballs."

Hot Guy: "Um, thanks."

- Old Town Great Clips

-- Submitted by Hot Guy's Girlfriend

Someone is not going to be wingman next time.

Guy #1: "Almost done. Almost done! Hell YEAH! Almost done."

Guy #2: "You still have to come back next year."

Guy #1: "Yeah, but there'll be a ton of incoming freshman girls for me to meet."

Guy #2: "And fail with?"

Guy #1: (sigh) "And fail with."

Guy #2: "Miserably."

- Northern Illinois University

-- Submitted by Cornfed

Proper etiquette lesson.

Bum: "Remember, folks. Don't just go around eating anyone. And if you do feel the need to eat another person, please use a napkin."

- Outside of Union Station

-- Submitted by Acorn

Does anyone like that chick?

Girl #1: "...and after that bit, Sarah Silverman totally owns Paris Hilton."

Girl #2: "Do you think the STD's and drug problems come with that?"

- Northwest Suburban High School

-- Submitted by Kellie

Don't forget sluts. Always sluts.

Guy: (on cell) "No, honey. It's okay. Just check the spam folder. I'm sure we've been approved for hundreds of mortgages and loans and free meds. I know, but it'll give us confidence trying to apply for real ones."

- Red Line

-- Submitted by Gray

Could be worse, I guess.

Overly Cheerful, Crazy Lady: "It smells like urine in here. Yep, just like urine in here. Golly. Urine."

- 81 Lawrence Bus

-- Submitted by Spinner

Check the color of the water.

Girl #1: "Are you done going to the bathroom?"

Drunk Girl #2: "I'm not sure."

Girl #1: "Did you even GO to the bathroom?"

Drunk Girl #2: "I can't tell!"

- MorseLand Bathroom

-- Submitted by Molly

The honest approach.

Bum: "Folks, don't worry about going in there. You know the outcome and you're going to waste money on hot dogs and beer and snacks. Do me a favor and give me the money so I can waste it on hot dogs and beer and snacks. The Cubs will still lose, you'll be at home in comfort, and I'll be eating and drinking while being put to sleep."

- Wrigley Field

-- Submitted by John John

Give or take.

Guy: "...and I'm heading up to Milwaukee this weekend. I love the big city look with the small city feel."

Girl: "Milwaukee doesn't look like a big city. It looks like a small city. That's why it has the small city feel."

Guy: "No. Milwaukee is a big city. There are just as many bars, shops, and people as Chicago."

Girl: "Besides the stupidity of that statement, and taking it at face value, wouldn't that mean that it's a big city look with a big city feel?"

Guy: "You're a stupid statement and your dad hates you. And you're not coming with me."

- Purple Line

-- Submitted by CTA Rider