Good luck.

Guy: "I need a new shirt. Something cool and sleek and airy. Something girls will love. It needs to be like a designer label."

Girl: "Where do you want to shop?"

Guy: "Somewhere cheap."

- Columbia College

-- Submitted by Carlos

Everyone but you.

Guy: "That's just stupid. Having Sunday papers for sale on Saturday. Who gives a shit what's going to happen tomorrow?"

- Oak Park

-- Submitted by Karen

And there's not one church for them anywhere.

Woman #1: "Praise God. We have to go take care of our great uncle tonight. He's in the hospital with pneumonia."

Woman #2: "I'm sorry he's sick."

Woman #1: "Yeah. We ahve to see if he can talk."

Woman #2: "Why?"

Woman #1: "Because we need to see if he's been saved. Praise God!"

Woman #2: "Didn't he go to church?"

Woman #1: "No. He's catholic."

- Metra South Shore

-- Submitted by Lisa G.

Sage advice.

Mother: "Don't EVER lick the EL!"

- Brown Line

-- Submitted by Jessica

Either way, see a dentist.

Guy: "I wouldn't say he had NO teeth. He just didn't have any complete teeth."

- Piper's Alley

-- Submitted by Erin

Viagra might help.

Guy: (on cell) "Lumber up! Be a dude!"

- Evanston

-- Submitted by Ursula

Like a lunch "snooze" button.

Worker #1: "If lunch were 5 minutes longer, I'd be much happier. What the crap can I get accomplished in 60 minutes?"

Worker #2: "More than you get accomplished during your work day, slacker."

- North Chicago Office

-- Submitted by Jenny

I liked that movie.

Guy #1: "I need to get a person eating plant."

Guy #2: "Like in that 'Shop of Horrors' movie?"

Guy #1: "No. My plant will not sing stupid songs."

- West Loop

-- Submitted by Tony

All of them.

Girl: "What kind of ice cream can I get that will make me feel cold?"

- Jewel, South Loop

-- Submitted by Aaron

That solves other problems.

Guy #1: "I need a vacation."

Guy #2: "You just had a vacation."

Guy #1: "Right, but I'm still all vacationy."

Guy #2: "So go take a cold shower."

- Old Orchard Shopping Center

-- Submitted by Yes

Oscar the Grouch ought to do the trick.

Girl: (on cell) "This is the worst day ever. I need a muppet to cheer me up."

- Blue Line

-- Submitted by Grand

Maybe it's evidence?

Attorney: (on cell) "Well, I have my vibrator turned on now, so we should be good to go."

- DuPage County Courthouse

-- Submitted by Bryan

No joke, this lady passed. Thanks, DMV.

DMV Employee: "Can you read the seventh line for me?"

Senior Lady: "No."

DMV Employee: "Why not?"

Senior Lady: "Because it's in Chinese. How do you expect me to read Chinese?"

- Naperville DMV

-- Submitted by Dave

Yeah. Look under "you wish."

Guy #1: "I need to get a new car."

Guy #2: "Ok."

Guy #1: "Yeah. It's going to have to be environmentally friendly, but still hot."

Guy #2: "What kind do you want?"

Guy #1: "I don't know. How hard is it to make a Corvette into a hybrid? Can we google that?"

- Northbrook

-- Submitted by Colin

That's worse than cool.

Guy: (on cell) "My dad went to Ohio State, so I'm smart by association."

- Red Line

-- Submitted by Spike

Sometimes it's hindsight, sometimes it's not.

Guy: "Hindsight is always 50-50."

- Chipotle, Evanston

-- Submitted by Ivan

You don't have a chance.

Drunk Guy: "This is where people come when they don't want to hook up."

Drunk Girl: "What are you saying about me?"

- McDonald's, State and Chicago

-- Submitted by K.N.M.

You sure showed him.

Guy: (on cell) "...and I was trying to think of a way to tell him not to bother me. I mean, I was so mad, I didn't want to go off, but leave me alone with those pamphlets, you know. The guy didn't even offer me one. Was I not good enough for him? No, I went back and took one!"

- Grant Park

-- Submitted by Karl

Yeah. As a boss....

Guy: (on cell) "...and when I got in, I couldn't access anything on the computer. I got all mad and called IT. The guy told me that either the server was down or I was fired. I was going to chew out my boss for making the nerd tell me, but when I went into his office, he couldn't access anything either. So we both got drunk in the office. I think I told him I loved him. As a boss."

- Blue Line

-- Submitted by Diego

FORE!

Guy #1: "You want to go golfing?"

Guy #2: "Can I drive the cart?"

Guy #1: "You going to be drinking?"

Guy #2: "It depends on how many times I have to throw my ball out of the tee box."

- Red Line

-- Submitted by Andy

Drink your milk, girls.

Girl #1: "Why does her shirt say 'No Hop Ons?'"

Girl #2: "Because she wants you to buy her a drink before her easy ass sleeps with you."

- Wabash and Roosevelt

-- Submitted by Jeff

Depends on the surgery.

Guy #1: "...I mean, you'd have guys all over the platform with erections everywhere."

Guy #2: "Yeah, well. Outdoor surgery is still a new concept."

- Red Line

-- Submitted by Camarinadoo

A.) You're right. B.) It's a MAIL-IN REBATE!

Girl: (on phone) "Hi. I took my car in for an oil change and was given a mail-in rebate for $13, if turn it in between August 4th and August 29th. How do I do that? (pause) OH! It's not September yet!"

- Northbrook Office

-- Submitted by Chris

I don't know the right way to take that.

Girl: "Don't take this the wrong way, but maybe you should have been an heiress."

- Grant Park

-- Submitted by Shuyler

Temperature wise?

Guy: "I mean, when was the last time you saw a hot Eskimo?"

- Lollapalooza

-- Submitted by Jim

And probably doesn't have the same amount of money.

Girl #1: "Oh my god. I want to marry Michael Phelps."

Girl #2: "Why?"

Girl #1: "Because he's hot and he's an awesome swimmer."

Girl #2: "My golden retriever is an awesome swimmer, too. You think he's cute, right? Marry him instead."

Girl #1: "Not the same."

Girl #2: "Right. My dog doesn't wax."

- ESPNzone

-- Submitted by Guffaw

It'd be a rough drive.

Girl: (on cell) "...I'm just depressed is all. So I'm debating whether I want to drive home or drive to Europe."

- UIC

-- Submitted by Newbie

What about explosive shuttlecocks?

Girl: "Did you see that badminton stuff?"

Guy: "Yup. It was kinda boring."

Girl: "They need to spice that shit up."

Guy: "With like lasers. Or explosive racquets."

- Red Line

-- Submitted by Lisa

Still waiting for it.

Girl #1: "You think I could be in the olympics?"

Girl #2: "If they had a shoe competition, you'd be a, wait for it, shoe in!"

- Panera on State

-- Submitted by Tea

Our future, ladies and gents.

Girl #1: "What does 'China' mean? You know, in Chinese."

Girl #2: "It means saucer."

- East Village

-- Submitted by Ali B.

Someone wants to reconcile.

Girl: (on cell) "I'm going to get us on that 'Date My Ex' show and find you someone who's WAY worse than me! Then you'll see, jerkhole!"

- Michigan/Roosevelt Bus Stop

-- Submitted by Allie

They tell me that the answer is a bunny rabbit.

Guy: (on cell) "No, I expect you to get your answers from within. There is no such thing as cloudology!"

- Red Line

-- Submitted by Henry

She BETTER NOT change it!

Girl: "...and they got engaged!"

Guy: "She better take his name."

Girl: "I think she's smart enough to changer her name so it won't be Lisa Sing-Song."

- University of Chicago

-- Submitted by Clyde

Either way, he probably won't say stop.

Girl #1: "I can't tell if he's into me."

Girl #2: "Brush his leg."

Girl #1: "Tried that."

Girl #2: "Do the arm touching things."

Girl #1: "Done that."

Girl #2: "Have you tried kissing him?"

Girl #1: "Yeah, but he was drunk."

Girl #2: "Well, shit. Just go down on him. If he doesn't say stop, you're in."

- North Park University

-- Submitted by Amy

I've never heard of that netwo....Oooooh.

Guy: "What's your name?"

Girl: "Facebook me."

Guy: "How can I do that?"

Girl: "Just look for my picture. I'm in the 'not a chance' network."

- Durkin's

-- Submitted by Reed

I'd like to see that.

Guy #1: "Either someone just mopped the floor or the bleach man just exploded. Holy Hell!"

Guy #2: "It's just a little pungent."

Guy #1: "I'd rather have my head up my own ass."

- West Loop Office

-- Submitted by Carston

WOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Concertgoer: "Why are you people 'WOO'-ing? 'How It Ends' is not a 'WOO'-able song!"

- Lollapalooza at the DeVotchKa set

-- Submitted by Spinner

They can be both.

Girl: "...and they had all these cute little puppies in the lobby. They were so adorable."

Guy: "Adorable? More like tasty."

- South Loop

-- Submitted by Purple

Looks legit. Go ahead.

Guy: "Your friend will be safe with me. I promise. I'm a good guy."

Girl: "Oh yeah? How can I be sure?"

Guy: (hands girl his ID)

Guy: "Soooo....can I take your friend home now?"

- McFadden's

-- Submitted by Helen

They're big on feet.

Woman: "I like this set out of here. Ya know. Because we're ottoman people. We really like ottomans."

- Crate and Barrel, Chicago

-- Submitted by Dtrain

Only his Washington Wizards days.

(Family taking pictures in front of Jordan statue at the United Center.)

Young Girl: "Mom? Is Michael Jordan dead?"

Mom: "No, honey. It's to remember him."

Young Girl: "Why? Did they forget about him?"

- United Center

-- Submitted by LG

That's some hardcore dedication, sir.

Guy: "Dude. I can drink with you today, and I'll get wasted with you on Sunday. But I am NOT drinking tomorrow. That's how serious I am about Rage."

- Lollapalooza gate

-- Submitted by Spinner

That line actually worked?

Guy: "What's that scent?"

Girl: "It's me. I'll let you smell me if you tell me your name."

- Club Moda

-- Submitted by Will

That would suck.

Woman: (on cell) "I think you should pick her up. Well, she's constantly falling asleep and her camp counselor thinks it could become dangerous. Do you want her falling asleep during a nature hike? What if she falls face first in poison ivy?"

- Macy's

-- Submitted by Chad

So, no.

Guy #1: "Do you want to learn spanish with me?"

Guy #2: "As long as I don't have to write anything. Or say anything."

- Northwestern University

-- Submitted by Rickie

That vibe is your allergies.

Guy: "That chick gave off a weird vibe. Like she lives with a lot of cats."

- Oak Park

-- Submitted by LBT

It's one way of doing it.

Guy #1: "I need a frickin' job."

Guy #2: "Well where have you looked?"

Guy #1: "It's not so much about looking. It's about finding."

Guy #2: "You just play a lot of video games and hope for the best, don't you?"

- Starbuck's, Lakeview

-- Submitted by Nadia

Delightful.

Guy: "Does anyone smell that? It's like a drunk dude died. And then vomited. And then died again."

- Nick's Beer Garden

-- Submitted by Kly

Yes. Now stop breaking our rules.

Blonde Tourist Girl: "Are you allowed to talk on the bus?"

Brunette Tourist Girl: "I don't think so."

Blonde Tourist Girl: "Oh...Do you think people know that we aren't from Chicago?"

- Clark Bus

-- Submitted by Jay

You can keep it.

Cool Guy: (Ice Ice Baby starts on the jukebox)"Oh NO! Who laid the vanilla? Who laid it? That's my shit! THATS MY SHIT!!"



- Mullens



-- Submitted by AJ

In size or in smoking, texting jerks?

Guy: "You think this is big? New York is like five times bigger than Chicago. And that's just Manhattan."

- Grand Stop, Red Line

-- Submitted by Revecca

With the right amount of money....

Teen Dude #1: "What do you want to do now?"

Teen Dude #2: "We should leave the beach, but NOT go home!"

Teen Dude #1: "Okay, then."

Teen Dude #2: "Let's go get a limo...and some hookers!"

Teen Dude #1: "Yeah. Because hookers love workin' it for 15 year olds."

- North Ave. Beach

-- Submitted by Spinner

Keep hoping.

Guy: "We're waiting for the train. It's either going to be the purple one or the brown one."

Kid: "I hope it's a red one!"

- Merchandise Mart

-- Submitted by Kate

You're a few months and a few religions off.

Girl: "We saw Jesus walking around downtown today. He was holding a cross. Had a beard. Everything."

Guy: "Oh yeah, I've seen that. But usually they do something like that around a religious holiday."

Girl: "Yeah, but what holiday is it? Ramadan?"

- Loop

-- Submitted by Apeface

Would you prefer a whole cow?

Girl: "I'm hungry."

Guy: "Let's go get a burger."

Girl: "A burger? How is that going to help my hunger pains."

- 11th and Wabash

-- Submitted by Chris

I'm going to be in New York City until Sunday evening. No updates until then. If you're in Manhattan and want to hang, drop me a line. Don't forget to join the facebook group!

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!

Girl #1: "Have you read this?" (Holds up The Feminine Mystique by Betty Friedman)

Girl #2: "No. Have you?"

Girl #1: "Nope. We're a disgrace to our gender."

Girl #2: "Yep. We should turn in our vaginas."

- Book Cellar in Lincoln Square

-- Submitted by Spinner

50 bucks says it's not broken.

Guy #1: "I think I broke my arm, dude."

Guy #2: "Did you see a doctor?"

Guy #1: "Nah. I think I'll tough this one out."

- Burnham Skate Park

-- Submitted by LL

Someone had to pay for the shower.

Woman: "It's a long story, but it involves me in a shower with two other people and ends with me stealing a wallet with $500 in it. I'll tell you some other time."

- Maggiano's

-- Submitted by Poppy

Really? Cuz Gina Carano is ridiculous hot.

Man: (on cell) "Let's talk something serious. Let's talk something serious. Why you, like, strong? I don't like strong women."

- Morseland Parking Lot

-- Submitted by AC

Your wife is gonna be pissed.

Guy: "I hope I get laid by someone new tonite."

- South Side Bar

-- Submitted by Kathy

Soccer? Uh....yeah.....

Girl #1: "What is the ESPY? I've never heard of it before."

Guy: "It's an award show for athletes."

Girl #1: "Then why is David Beckham there?"

Girl #2: "Because he's married to Posh Spice."

- Prost, Lincoln Ave.

-- Submitted by Mandy D.

Eating at a free buffet?

Guy: "Unless they have a free buffet, nothing tops what I'm going to be doing tomorrow."

- South Loop FFC

-- Submitted by Dave

SOMETIMES?!

Older Guy: (on cell) "Having women around is important, but sometimes when they get older they start to lose it. You might want to watch out for that."

- Michigan Ave.

-- Submitted by James C.

Yes, Ma'am!

Woman: (on cell) "When I tell you to look at my boobs, you don't argue! It's not that hard a concept!"

- Little Italy

-- Submitted by Trav

Someone get a calculator.

Woman: "What's 65% of $100?"

- Macy's shoe department, State Street

-- Submitted by Incredulous Banker

Let's use our inside voices next time.

Guy: (on cell) "Oh. OH! You're SORRY. Take your sorry and shove it. You're a passive aggressive, cheating, deluded asshole. You care about yourself and think the whole world is against you. Everything you do is geared to sabotage yourself into a worse life. (pause) So what if my wife is hot? (pause) No, you can't, now go to hell."

- Red Line

-- Submitted by Weeble

Or she hates swimming with you.

Woman #1: "You want to go for a swim?"

Woman #2: "Not really."

Woman #1: "Why not?"

Woman #2: "Sharks. And Octopii."

Woman #1: "In the gym's pool?"

Woman #2: "Yes. They're everywhere."

- Chase

-- Submitted by Ricky

Seriously? Dunch?

Woman: "When do you guys want to do lunch?"

Man: "I don't know. Saturday. We may have to dinner."

Woman: "Dinner is a bit late. How about we do, uh, dunch?"

- Metra, Union Pacific North

-- Submitted by Zed

It's more a winged rat.

Mother: "Get away from that! It's not a bird; it's a pigeon!"

- Jackson and State

-- Submitted by J

It's more a winged rat.

Mother: "Get away from that! It's not a bird; it's a pigeon!"

- Jackson and State

-- Submitted by J

If you can't hold your liquor, at least know what it is.

Female: "Hey! BARTENDER!"

(Bartender walks over)

Female: "What is Jack Daniels? Isn't it vodka?"

Bartender: "...WHAT?!"

Female: "Jack Daniels is brandy?"

Bartender: "Nope."

Male: "It's whiskey."

Female: "Oh. Thanks."

Male: "Some drunk you are!"

- Carol's Pub

-- Submitted by Spinner

Nice even coats.

Woman #1: "Have you thought about spray tanning?"

Woman #2: "Yeah, but isn't that harmful for the environment?"

Woman #1: "Probably."

Woman #2: "I'd rather they just use a brush or a roller or something."

- LA Fitness, West Loop

-- Submitted by Kelly

At least it was polite about stealing your cash.

Old Woman: (talking to parking garage paystation.) "Hello? You took my money and I don't have any change. Hello?"

Machine: "Thank you."

- Millenium Park Parking Garage

-- Submitted by Erin

You, Mr. Magellan, are a sinking ship.

Girl: "Yeah. I live in Roger's Park."

Guy: "Oh. Is that by Roscoe Village?"

Girl: "No, not really. I live on Lakewood Ave."

Guy: "Oh, yeah! Doesn't that intersect with something."

Girl: "Uhm. Yeah. It does."

- Sheffield and Armitage

-- Submitted by Apeface

Boonce. Boonce.

Guy: "So did you find your soda pops?"

Stoned Guy: "Yeahhhhh. Did you find your bundt cake?"

- Northerly Island

-- Submitted by Laura

Good comeback bro.

Guy: "So you think because you know Olympians, you're better than me? They probably aren't even gold medalists!"

- Wrigley Field

-- Submitted by Waddie

Which creates quite a loop.

Girl #1: "He makes me uncomfortable."

Girl #2: "Great. That means you're going to sleep with him."

- Accenture

-- Submitted by Hector

Politicians do it all the time.

Girl: (on cell) "You should definitely wear a tie. Because you'll look like you know what you're doing. But you don't! So lie. How hard is that?"

- Blue Line

-- Submitted by Rhea

Isn't that all guys, really?

Guy #1: "Which one is Charlie?"

Guy #2: "The guy who's walking like he's a caveman."

Guy #1: "There's 50 dude's around here. How am I supposed to pick him out?"

Guy #2: "Because he's all caveman-like."

- Pompei restaurant, UIC

-- Submitted by Tran

Probably.

Woman: "Hey! Jew Boo!"

Man: "Are you using that as a pet name or are you saying Jews are scary?"

Woman: "Uhm. Scary."

Man: "So you fear Jesus?"

- South Loop

-- Submitted by Giyna

I'm sure she'd be very happy with that.

Guy #1: "Well, would you marry her?"

Guy #2: "Temporarily."

- Michigan Ave

-- Submitted by Rider

Must be some connection.

Guy: (on cell) "Dude! I'm so glad you called. I was playing this game last night where these ants were pissing acid and I immediately thought of you!"

- Red Line

-- Submitted by Jake

Must be some connection.

Guy: (on cell) "Dude! I'm so glad you called. I was playing this game last night where these ants were pissing acid and I immediately thought of you!"

- Red Line

-- Submitted by Jake

Perv.

Guy: "What are you, five feet tall?"

Girl: "No way. Five two. I take all the inches I can get."

Guy: "I bet you do."

Girl: "Easy buddy. I've seen you. You're not impressive."

- Yellow Line

-- Submitted by Chair.

Another notch in love's popularity belt.

Woman: "I've been married to him for ten years, but we've been together for almost 15."

Man: "That's cool. Commitment is pretty hard."

Woman: "Especially when the guy sucks the youth out of you. That makes it super hard."

- South Loop

-- Submitted by Candy

So she's normally abnormal. Kinda.

Guy: "You have issues."

Girl: "I know, right?"

Guy: "Not like bad ones. Just nutty ones."

- Lakeview

-- Submitted by Dizzy

So can choosers be beggars?

Girl #1: "...I just don't understand the saying 'beggars can't be choosers.'"

Girl #2: "Well. That means if you're begging, you're not in a position to choose what you get."

Girl #1: "Yeah. But if I'm begging you for a mirror and you give me a sink, I can choose something else, right?"

- Belmont Harbor bathrooms

-- Submitted by Theresa

Sign me up.

Girl #1: "...Competitive eating is TOO a sport!"

Girl #2: "No it isn't! How is it a sport!?"

Girl #1: "Because there's a time limit imposed, there's physicality, and you're competing against other people to be the best!"

Girl #2: "Physicality?! Pooping is physical. I'm going to start competitive pooping."

Girl #1: "How the fuck are you going to make that acompetitive?"

Girl #2: "Whoever poops the most in 5 minutes wins."

Girl #1: "Awesome."

- Lawrence Red Line Stop

-- Submitted by Spinner

Girl: "Where do you think you're going?"

Guy: "Home."

Girl: "I don't want to leave."

Guy: "Then stay."

Girl: "But I want to go with you."

Guy: "Do you see why I want to annihilate you now?"

You stay classy.

Guy: "I like to think of myself as classy trash."

- Montrose Brown Line Stop

-- Submitted by Iheardthat

You stay classy.

Guy: "I like to think of myself as classy trash."

- Montrose Brown Line Stop

-- Submitted by Iheardthat

The good news: You're already at his place!

(Girl running to train)

Homeless Guy: "Hey. You know it's going to rain?"

Girl: "Yeah, I know."

Homeless Guy: "Best you get inside. Rain melts sugar."

- Mag Mile

-- Submitted by Sweet as Sugar

(Have a safe and happy 4th of July. Please, please, please: Don't drink and drive.)

Too many of those to the head.

Guy #1: "It's pitch black outside."

Guy #2: "How come it's never "pitch blue" outside?"

Guy #3: "Or pitch fastball."

- Union Station

-- Submitted by Jay

You know your husband is gay when...

Girl: (on cell) "...and when I got there, he was shirtless, drunk, and had a pride t-shirt around his waist. I wanted to ask him what he was doing when he started kissing another guy. Hell yes I'm getting divorced!"

- Millenium Park

-- Submitted by Missy

I think you'd know if it was a bear.

Woman: "You have to go to the doctor!"

Man: "I'll go if you promise he won't look up my rear."

Woman: "I can't promise that."

Man: "Then we don't have a deal. I don't care if I have a bear living in there, I'm not going."

- Metra Milwaukee District North Line

-- Submitted by Train Rider

No one date him. Ever.

Guy #1: "...and the butterfly landed on me. I asked if I could take it home, but they said no. Something about it being endangered or something."

Guy #2: "That's when you tell them that it's either yours or nobodies and you smash it between your hands."

- Lincoln Park Zoo

-- Submitted by Red

Must have been the wrong color.

Guy: (After biker fell on his car) "You're coming with me! You're coming with me to the police station!"

Biker: "It's not like that LeBaron is getting you mad pussy, dude."

- Critical Mass

-- Submitted by Michi The Killer

That's copyrighted. Oh. She's crazy.

(Woman, after she sings her rendition of "Hello Dolly')

Woman: "There is no reason a bus should be re-routed because of a parade! I had to walk really far and I'm handicapped! I am protected by the constitution and it says handicapped people have rights! AMEN!"

Guy: "Do you know any 'Mamma Mia?'"

- Clark Bus after the Pride Parade

-- Submitted by Apeface

It's a daily occurence.

Guy #1: "There he is! There!!"

Guy #2: "Where? I don't see him!"

Girl: "He's there in the thong!"

Guy #2: "The pink thong or the blue one! There's too many thongs too work through! I can't keep up!"

- Pride Parade

-- Submitted by Lynn

What's the difference?

Guy: "There's gay and then there's totally gay. You're totally gay."

- Pride Parade

-- Submitted by Kleener