Women are mean.

Woman #1: "What are you gonna do?"

Woman #2: "ISAIAH! I am so damned mad! When he gets home, I'm going to rip off his dick. Then I'm gonna hit 'um in the dick with his dick!"

Woman #1: "You know it!"

Woman #2: "Yeah, but he don't know it. I was all sweet on the phone, so he don't know about the hellfire."

- Uptown

-- Submitted by Spinner

Let's duke it out.

Guy: "Was it you or me that initiated the face punching in our friendship?"

- Humbolt Park

-- Submitted by Jennifer

It's always nice to hear the phone ring.

Guy: (on cell) "So should I call you later? Cool, what time? You're going to call me to tell me when I can call you? Why don't you just call me when I'm supposed to call you? So then I hang up and call you right back? But you already called me?! Fine. Just call me and we'll go from there."

- Red Line

-- Submitted by Stefan

That one.

Little Girl: "Mommy. That lady wants to steal me! The lady wants to steal me, Mommy!"

Mom: "What are you talking about? No one wants to steal you."

Little Girl: "No, mommy, no. The lady wants to steal me! The lady wants to steal me!"

Random Woman #1: "Who are you talking about, love? We'll chase her down and beat her up."

Random Woman #2: "Don't worry, little one. Your mother has you too tightly guarded for any of us to even try."

- Salvation Army, Ashland

-- Submitted by Belinda

That's a helluva shirt.

Guy: "My shirt is colorless. Like it sapped my creative energy and then spit it out. Took my innermost feelings and destroyed them. It has removed my heart and soul, swallowing them whole."

- Columbia College

-- Submitted by Red

My name is now Jolene, and yes.

Drunk Woman: (yelling out a window) "JOLENE! JOLEEEENE! HEY, JOLENE! HEY! HEY! HEY! JOOOOOLEEEEEEEEENE! WANT TO SEE MY BOOBS?"

- Wrigleyville Dogs

-- Submitted by Haynes

Should have been her slogan.

Odd Lady: (to nobody) "No, no, no. I think Hilary should win. One, she's smart. Two, she's pretty. And b, she's already married to the president."

- 74 Fullerton Bus

-- Submitted by Lonely Rider

$10,000 will last you abou...wait, mountains?

Girl: "Well, after I get my bachelor's degree, I need to save up about $10,000. I'm going to move places, but not be a tourist. I'm going to live there. I want to go to New York first, then down to Massachusetts where Thoreau supposedly lived for a while. Then I'll head back to Illinois, so I can see the mountains. After that, I'll go to the northwest, except for Washington. Then California, Texas, and back to Chicago."

- Brown Line

-- Submitted by Julia

I have the same problem.

Guy: "Can you carry this grocery bag?"

Little Girl: "No. It's too heavy."

Guy: "I thought you were lifting weights!"

Little Girl: "I do lift weights. I just ain't got no muscles!"

- Streeterville, Elevator

-- Submitted by Claire

Good luck.

Guy: "I need a new shirt. Something cool and sleek and airy. Something girls will love. It needs to be like a designer label."

Girl: "Where do you want to shop?"

Guy: "Somewhere cheap."

- Columbia College

-- Submitted by Carlos

Everyone but you.

Guy: "That's just stupid. Having Sunday papers for sale on Saturday. Who gives a shit what's going to happen tomorrow?"

- Oak Park

-- Submitted by Karen

And there's not one church for them anywhere.

Woman #1: "Praise God. We have to go take care of our great uncle tonight. He's in the hospital with pneumonia."

Woman #2: "I'm sorry he's sick."

Woman #1: "Yeah. We ahve to see if he can talk."

Woman #2: "Why?"

Woman #1: "Because we need to see if he's been saved. Praise God!"

Woman #2: "Didn't he go to church?"

Woman #1: "No. He's catholic."

- Metra South Shore

-- Submitted by Lisa G.

Sage advice.

Mother: "Don't EVER lick the EL!"

- Brown Line

-- Submitted by Jessica

Either way, see a dentist.

Guy: "I wouldn't say he had NO teeth. He just didn't have any complete teeth."

- Piper's Alley

-- Submitted by Erin

Viagra might help.

Guy: (on cell) "Lumber up! Be a dude!"

- Evanston

-- Submitted by Ursula

Like a lunch "snooze" button.

Worker #1: "If lunch were 5 minutes longer, I'd be much happier. What the crap can I get accomplished in 60 minutes?"

Worker #2: "More than you get accomplished during your work day, slacker."

- North Chicago Office

-- Submitted by Jenny

I liked that movie.

Guy #1: "I need to get a person eating plant."

Guy #2: "Like in that 'Shop of Horrors' movie?"

Guy #1: "No. My plant will not sing stupid songs."

- West Loop

-- Submitted by Tony

All of them.

Girl: "What kind of ice cream can I get that will make me feel cold?"

- Jewel, South Loop

-- Submitted by Aaron

That solves other problems.

Guy #1: "I need a vacation."

Guy #2: "You just had a vacation."

Guy #1: "Right, but I'm still all vacationy."

Guy #2: "So go take a cold shower."

- Old Orchard Shopping Center

-- Submitted by Yes

Oscar the Grouch ought to do the trick.

Girl: (on cell) "This is the worst day ever. I need a muppet to cheer me up."

- Blue Line

-- Submitted by Grand

Maybe it's evidence?

Attorney: (on cell) "Well, I have my vibrator turned on now, so we should be good to go."

- DuPage County Courthouse

-- Submitted by Bryan

No joke, this lady passed. Thanks, DMV.

DMV Employee: "Can you read the seventh line for me?"

Senior Lady: "No."

DMV Employee: "Why not?"

Senior Lady: "Because it's in Chinese. How do you expect me to read Chinese?"

- Naperville DMV

-- Submitted by Dave

Yeah. Look under "you wish."

Guy #1: "I need to get a new car."

Guy #2: "Ok."

Guy #1: "Yeah. It's going to have to be environmentally friendly, but still hot."

Guy #2: "What kind do you want?"

Guy #1: "I don't know. How hard is it to make a Corvette into a hybrid? Can we google that?"

- Northbrook

-- Submitted by Colin

That's worse than cool.

Guy: (on cell) "My dad went to Ohio State, so I'm smart by association."

- Red Line

-- Submitted by Spike

Sometimes it's hindsight, sometimes it's not.

Guy: "Hindsight is always 50-50."

- Chipotle, Evanston

-- Submitted by Ivan

You don't have a chance.

Drunk Guy: "This is where people come when they don't want to hook up."

Drunk Girl: "What are you saying about me?"

- McDonald's, State and Chicago

-- Submitted by K.N.M.

You sure showed him.

Guy: (on cell) "...and I was trying to think of a way to tell him not to bother me. I mean, I was so mad, I didn't want to go off, but leave me alone with those pamphlets, you know. The guy didn't even offer me one. Was I not good enough for him? No, I went back and took one!"

- Grant Park

-- Submitted by Karl

Yeah. As a boss....

Guy: (on cell) "...and when I got in, I couldn't access anything on the computer. I got all mad and called IT. The guy told me that either the server was down or I was fired. I was going to chew out my boss for making the nerd tell me, but when I went into his office, he couldn't access anything either. So we both got drunk in the office. I think I told him I loved him. As a boss."

- Blue Line

-- Submitted by Diego

FORE!

Guy #1: "You want to go golfing?"

Guy #2: "Can I drive the cart?"

Guy #1: "You going to be drinking?"

Guy #2: "It depends on how many times I have to throw my ball out of the tee box."

- Red Line

-- Submitted by Andy

Drink your milk, girls.

Girl #1: "Why does her shirt say 'No Hop Ons?'"

Girl #2: "Because she wants you to buy her a drink before her easy ass sleeps with you."

- Wabash and Roosevelt

-- Submitted by Jeff

Depends on the surgery.

Guy #1: "...I mean, you'd have guys all over the platform with erections everywhere."

Guy #2: "Yeah, well. Outdoor surgery is still a new concept."

- Red Line

-- Submitted by Camarinadoo

A.) You're right. B.) It's a MAIL-IN REBATE!

Girl: (on phone) "Hi. I took my car in for an oil change and was given a mail-in rebate for $13, if turn it in between August 4th and August 29th. How do I do that? (pause) OH! It's not September yet!"

- Northbrook Office

-- Submitted by Chris

I don't know the right way to take that.

Girl: "Don't take this the wrong way, but maybe you should have been an heiress."

- Grant Park

-- Submitted by Shuyler

Temperature wise?

Guy: "I mean, when was the last time you saw a hot Eskimo?"

- Lollapalooza

-- Submitted by Jim

And probably doesn't have the same amount of money.

Girl #1: "Oh my god. I want to marry Michael Phelps."

Girl #2: "Why?"

Girl #1: "Because he's hot and he's an awesome swimmer."

Girl #2: "My golden retriever is an awesome swimmer, too. You think he's cute, right? Marry him instead."

Girl #1: "Not the same."

Girl #2: "Right. My dog doesn't wax."

- ESPNzone

-- Submitted by Guffaw

It'd be a rough drive.

Girl: (on cell) "...I'm just depressed is all. So I'm debating whether I want to drive home or drive to Europe."

- UIC

-- Submitted by Newbie

What about explosive shuttlecocks?

Girl: "Did you see that badminton stuff?"

Guy: "Yup. It was kinda boring."

Girl: "They need to spice that shit up."

Guy: "With like lasers. Or explosive racquets."

- Red Line

-- Submitted by Lisa

Still waiting for it.

Girl #1: "You think I could be in the olympics?"

Girl #2: "If they had a shoe competition, you'd be a, wait for it, shoe in!"

- Panera on State

-- Submitted by Tea

Our future, ladies and gents.

Girl #1: "What does 'China' mean? You know, in Chinese."

Girl #2: "It means saucer."

- East Village

-- Submitted by Ali B.

Someone wants to reconcile.

Girl: (on cell) "I'm going to get us on that 'Date My Ex' show and find you someone who's WAY worse than me! Then you'll see, jerkhole!"

- Michigan/Roosevelt Bus Stop

-- Submitted by Allie

They tell me that the answer is a bunny rabbit.

Guy: (on cell) "No, I expect you to get your answers from within. There is no such thing as cloudology!"

- Red Line

-- Submitted by Henry

She BETTER NOT change it!

Girl: "...and they got engaged!"

Guy: "She better take his name."

Girl: "I think she's smart enough to changer her name so it won't be Lisa Sing-Song."

- University of Chicago

-- Submitted by Clyde

Either way, he probably won't say stop.

Girl #1: "I can't tell if he's into me."

Girl #2: "Brush his leg."

Girl #1: "Tried that."

Girl #2: "Do the arm touching things."

Girl #1: "Done that."

Girl #2: "Have you tried kissing him?"

Girl #1: "Yeah, but he was drunk."

Girl #2: "Well, shit. Just go down on him. If he doesn't say stop, you're in."

- North Park University

-- Submitted by Amy

I've never heard of that netwo....Oooooh.

Guy: "What's your name?"

Girl: "Facebook me."

Guy: "How can I do that?"

Girl: "Just look for my picture. I'm in the 'not a chance' network."

- Durkin's

-- Submitted by Reed

I'd like to see that.

Guy #1: "Either someone just mopped the floor or the bleach man just exploded. Holy Hell!"

Guy #2: "It's just a little pungent."

Guy #1: "I'd rather have my head up my own ass."

- West Loop Office

-- Submitted by Carston

WOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Concertgoer: "Why are you people 'WOO'-ing? 'How It Ends' is not a 'WOO'-able song!"

- Lollapalooza at the DeVotchKa set

-- Submitted by Spinner

They can be both.

Girl: "...and they had all these cute little puppies in the lobby. They were so adorable."

Guy: "Adorable? More like tasty."

- South Loop

-- Submitted by Purple

Looks legit. Go ahead.

Guy: "Your friend will be safe with me. I promise. I'm a good guy."

Girl: "Oh yeah? How can I be sure?"

Guy: (hands girl his ID)

Guy: "Soooo....can I take your friend home now?"

- McFadden's

-- Submitted by Helen

They're big on feet.

Woman: "I like this set out of here. Ya know. Because we're ottoman people. We really like ottomans."

- Crate and Barrel, Chicago

-- Submitted by Dtrain

Only his Washington Wizards days.

(Family taking pictures in front of Jordan statue at the United Center.)

Young Girl: "Mom? Is Michael Jordan dead?"

Mom: "No, honey. It's to remember him."

Young Girl: "Why? Did they forget about him?"

- United Center

-- Submitted by LG

That's some hardcore dedication, sir.

Guy: "Dude. I can drink with you today, and I'll get wasted with you on Sunday. But I am NOT drinking tomorrow. That's how serious I am about Rage."

- Lollapalooza gate

-- Submitted by Spinner

That line actually worked?

Guy: "What's that scent?"

Girl: "It's me. I'll let you smell me if you tell me your name."

- Club Moda

-- Submitted by Will

That would suck.

Woman: (on cell) "I think you should pick her up. Well, she's constantly falling asleep and her camp counselor thinks it could become dangerous. Do you want her falling asleep during a nature hike? What if she falls face first in poison ivy?"

- Macy's

-- Submitted by Chad

So, no.

Guy #1: "Do you want to learn spanish with me?"

Guy #2: "As long as I don't have to write anything. Or say anything."

- Northwestern University

-- Submitted by Rickie