Wait. What the hell comes after breath out?!

Guy #1: "I just need help finding tickets is all."

Guy #2: "Everyone needs help finding tickets. It's not like they're readily available at face value."

Guy #1: "But this is the Bears. In the Super Bowl!"

Guy #2: "Oh. It's not the Icecapades? How do you manage to remember how to breath?"

Guy #1: "I use mantras."

- State and Lake

-- Submitted by Carly

Intercom's don't have a race, silly.

CTA intercom: "I can fine you for eating on the train. I can't come back there and kick you off, but please be respectful of the other passengers and don't leave trash on the ground."

Girl: "Oh yeah? I'd like him to come back here. God, I fuckin' hate white people."

- Red Line

-- Submitted by B

Order the Valtrex now.

Guy: (on cell) "No, Katie. That's wonderful. That's exactly how I was hoping to start my year off. Move in together? Stupid. Marriage? No way. I get to find out my girlfriend has fucking herpes. Awesome."

- Purple Line Platform, Howard

-- Submitted by John

They almost put me down for breaking my wrist once.

Man: "Did you hear about Barbaro?"

Woman: "Who? Who's Barbaro?"

Man: "He won the Kentucky Derby and then broke his leg in the next race. They tried to fix it, but they ended up euthanizing him."

Woman: "I thought it was illegal to euthanize people. (pause) Ooooh. He's the horse."

- Metra Big Timber

-- Submitted by She-ra

Next time, consider it a tip.

Cashier: "That'll be $4.16."

Man hands her money.

Cashier: "No, sir. $4.16. You don't need to hand me two $50 bills."

Man in line: "If he don't want it, I'll take it. I need me some more drinky drinky."

- Walgreens on the South Side

-- Submitted by Regan

She COULD be blaming you for all the wars in world.

Guy: (on cell) "What? I AM SPEAKING ENGLISH! What are you smoking, Ma?? Ok. I'm gonna let you go drink some more."

Guy: (to friend) "Dude. She's trying to act like my mom. Asking me where I am and shit. She's drunk."

- Blue Line

-- Submitted by GG

Dear Kevin. You just lost to a battery. Good job.

College girl: "Katie and I went to Lovers Lane last week. It was pretty much amazing!"

Friend: "Oh yeah? Did either of you buy anything?"

College girl: "Well I didn't, but Katie did. About an hour after playing with her toys, she went upstairs and dumped Kevin."

- University Center on State

-- Submitted by Maria

- Don't forget to check out the blog!

That's a helluva uterus.

Guy: "Excuse me. You have some whore on your face."

Girl: "Excuse me. You have some misogynist on yours."

Guy: "Is that even a word?"

Girl: "You're just jealous because my uterus opresses you."

- Red Line

-- Submitted by anonymous

Good makeup would have saved you the pain.

Girl #1: "Well, yeah, I had to take a bunch of family photos once. I would have liked to avoid that."

Girl#2: "Why didn't you ask someone to punch you in the face?"

Girl#1: "I don't know. I guess I never thought of it!"

- Red Line

-- Submitted by Passenger

Dude. She just called you uglier than Karl Marx

Male Student: "I feel like all I'm doing is working or working so I can work in the future... I feel Marx would have something to say about that."

Female Student: "At least Marx would have someone attractive to have sex with."

- University of Chicago

-- Submitted by Anonymous

Interesting Theory.

Guy #1: "...and if one more old guy or ancient broad cuts me off one more f'ing time, I swear I will end them. Not only do they cut you off, they go 30 miles under the speed limit."

Guy #2: "So if it's 25, they're going -5?"

Guy #1: "Shut up, dick. But seriously. I'm going to kill the next mother fucker that pulls that shit on me."

Guy #2: "Do you ever think that maybe that's their plan? Maybe there's a conspiracy of old people trying to get killed by road ragers like you. They don't have a lot of money. Not a lot for their family. This way, you kill them, get sued, their estate wins money, and they don't die of like Parkinson's or something. Everyone wins!"

- Loyola University

-- Submitted by Crass Lass

You mean attaboy. Right? Right?!

Lesbian #1: "I was looking around earlier and I noticed something. My dad had kind of a schlumpfy suit, and the other cousins were in khakis and blazers. Even the husband was in jeans and a sweatshirt zippy jacket. So I hope you noticed, I was the best-dressed man at the funeral."

Lesbian #2: "Attagirl."

- Lakeview

-- Submitted by Anonymous

Oh yeah, smartie? What about ONE week from today.

Suburban Mom: "I need an appointment 3 weeks from today. What day of the week is that?"

Receptionist: "That'd be a Tuesday. It's the 28th."

Suburban Mom: "Oh, shoot. I can't do the 28th. I'll be out of town, I'll have to come back when we get back from Florida. Well then, what is 5 weeks from today?"

Receptionist: "That's the 14th."

Suburban Mom: "What day of the week is that?"

Receptionist: "Ma'am, no matter if you do 100 weeks from today, Tuesday, or you go four weeks, It's always going to be a Tuesday!"

- Northwest Suburban Salon

-- Submitted by Chris

Yes. It's because of men.

Woman: (on cell) "He says all women are crazy. Hell yeah, we're crazy! Have you tried dating men? It makes me wish I were insane so some of it might make sense to me!"

- Sears Tower

-- Submitted by It's A Secret

We're also good for blogs.

Woman: "Ask your nerd friends. Nerd friends are good for something, like, you might as well get them to fix your computer."

- Loop Law Office

-- Submitted by Law Clerk

Or a trailing line of a wives.

Lesbian #1: "Thanks for getting my suit cleaned. I was really afraid of being underdressed."

Lesbian #2: "And the white shirt does look good, even though you do look a little like a Mormon missionary. Except there's no name tag."

- Lakeview

-- Submitted by anonymous

The slap heard 'round the world.

Woman: "I'm not that far along, but maternity pants are super comfortable."

Man: "Excellent."

Woman: "They don't look too baggy, do they?"

Man: "Don't worry, hon. You'll grow into them."

- Old Orchard Shopping Center

-- Submitted by Gray

Come to think of it, my uvula hurts too.

Girl: "I just don't feel well."

Guy: "Well, what did you eat?"

Girl: "I don't think it's my stomach. I think my uterus hurts."

- Brown Line

-- Submitted by Power Player

Your lack of Clamato knowledge does NOT make up for your balaclava knowledge.

Guy: "It's time like these I wish I had a balaclava."

Girl: "Wait, what's 'clava?'"

Guy: "No, a balaclava. Like those things you wear to cover your face when it's cold."

Girl: "Oh. I thought you said 'a bottle of clava,' and I didn't know what 'clava' was. I thought maybe it was like Clamato."

Guy: "Like what? Clam and guava?"

- Wiggly Field dog park

-- Submitted by Wrigley and Shaft

I don't feel sorry for him either. GO BEARS!

Bears Fan #1: "I'm just saying, they better keep him as a coach and pay him."

Bears Fan #2: "He's the best thing we've had since Ditka. They'll keep him."

Bears Fan #1: "They better. He's the lowest paid coach in the league. I know he's not making a fuss and all, but that's not cool. We're the Bears."

Bears Fan #2: "A, THEY are the Bears. B, you aren't shit except a guy who sits in the stands three times a year and screams while getting drunk. C, I only WISH I was the lowest paid coach in the league. So fuck you."

- Outside Soldier Field

-- Submitted by NFC Champs (The entire Chicago Bears submitted that? Sweet.)