Fear Apple's wrath!

Sales Lady: "So have you decided which device you want?"

Guy: "No. I'm confused. I think I don't want any of them."

Sales Lady: "Apple will not be pleased to hear that report!"

- Apple Store, Old Orchard

-- Submitted by Jeffrey

Sorry for the dearth of posts. I've been out and unable to update the site. Back to normal tomorrow!

Better than booing

Guy: (on cell) "I'm tired of you yelling 'surprise' every time we have sex, is all."

- Green Line

-- Submitted by ha ha ha

How many plane trips needed?

Guy #1: "I need help moving."

Guy #2: "When and where bro?"

Guy #1: "Tomorrow and to France."

Guy #2: "I don't know if I can carry a couch that far."

- University of Chicago

-- Submitted by Ed

Mom sounds terrific

Guy: (on cell) " My dad is awesome and supportive and loves my wife and the kids to death. My mom is a soul sucking banshee who wants things her way all the time. I mean I love my parents but it's just confusing, you know?"

- Red Line

-- Submitted by Pedro

Attention: GROSS!

Strange Guy: "I'm going to pee my pants people. If the train doesn't stop at my stop soon, there will be a puddle, and it will NOT smell good. Asparagus, people. ASPARAGUS!"

- Purple line

-- Submitted by Trey

A what? Pseudo-douchebag.

Girl: "...and it's so frustrating. Why won't anyone listen to me?"

Guy: "Because life is a pathetic metaphor for death. It's so cliche."

Girl: "For real."

- Loyola

-- Submitted by Rick

Does she like crappy food too?

Girl: "I wish I was Avril Lavigne right now!"

- McDonald's downtown

-- Submitted by Ghost

Sounds like a well thought out plan.

Guy #1: "I'm thinking of starting a company with an innovative idea. Leading society into the future."

Guy #2: "What's the plan?"

Guy #1: "For me to think of the idea, and then lead society into the future. I pretty much laid it out for you already."

- Loyola University

-- Submitted by Whit

Friends love boosting you up!

Guy #1: "I don't know if she likes you."

Guy #2: "We're friends, though. I'm pretty sure she likes me unless it's a pity date."

Guy #1: "Unless or assuredly because?"

- DePaul

-- Submitted by GiGi

She'd need rope

Girl: "I want to buy shoes, but I don't have enough money."

Guy: "You can do amazing things with old tires."

- Ashland

-- Submitted by The Colonel

How long does that go in the oven?

Guy: "What do you want for dinner?"

Girl: "A new family and a vacation."

- Metra Milwaukee District North

-- Submitted by Taylor

You say potato, I say disgusting.

Girl: "The mail never comes in the morning anymore."

Guy: "Mail carrier switch?"

Girl: "Yeah. The new guy looks like he sits in the car and watches little girls or something. Very creepy."

Guy: "How do you get that vibe?"

Girl: "He always delivers the mail with his shirt unbuttoned and untucked. Like he was in a rush to get out of the car."

Guy: "Maybe he's from Alaska and 70 degree whether is scorching for him?"

Girl: "Maybe he's jerking off and forgets to tuck his shirt back in?"

- Golf Mill Shopping Mall

-- Submitted by Newman

Someone's a great dad.

Guy: "But she just learned how to talk and all she does is say my name over and over and over again. The girl will not shut up. At least get to the point or something, you know? Do you want crackers? Do you want milk? ANYTHING. Just stop repeating my name a million times! It drives me insane!"

- State of Illinois Building

-- Submitted by Clover

That guy is smooth.

Guy: "All you can do is give an honest answer."

Girl: "But if they ask what my goals are, I can't say, 'To marry into a rich family so I won't have to work at a second rate company like this one.'"

Guy: "You need to spin that into a more productive statement that makes it sound work related. Something like, 'I'd like to join an organization that is not only established, but successful enough to provide for all of its employees.'"

- Northwestern University

-- Submitted by Tanya

If it's Sam Zell, he won't care.

Woman: "Is killing a customer and then posting them up as a warning grounds for being fired?"

Man: "Probably. But you'd have to check with the owner."

- North Side Restaurant

-- Submitted by Katja

Someone really needs tickets.

Guy: (on cell) "I really need some tickets for the Cubs game, but I need to pay under face value. Right. It depends how rough you'd be."

- Red Line

-- Submitted by Hound

Your guess is as good as anybody's.

Guy: "When is it time to go back home?"

Girl: "We usually leave around 7:30."

Guy: "You said there'd be food, here."

Girl: "There's fruit over there."

Guy: "Fruit? What the hell am I going to do with that?"

- North Shore Book Club

-- Submitted by Avid Reader

Drones, yes. Robots, not yet.

Guy #1: "I want to design video games."

Guy #2: "I think you need to go to school for that."

Guy #1: "No way. There has to be robots around that do the actual work. I just want to tell them what kind of shit to shoot."

- Evanston

-- Submitted by Relay

Business basics.

Girl: (on cell) "If the school wants to make more money, they should just build a strip club on site. That way, all the girls paying their way through college can stay on campus!"

- UIC

-- Submitted by Colleen

Subaru.

Dumb Girl: "We need to find out who makes Mazda."

- Naperville Shell Station

-- Submitted by HondaDriverV6

Funny because it's true!

(3 kids see a window washer)

Kid #1: "Oh, wow! I could never do that."

Kid #2: "I thought they had robots to do that now."

Kid #3: "Well, that's the job you get if you don't go to college."

- Corner of Madison & Franklin

-- Submitted by Koz

Someon's excited

Man: "23! 23! It's my birthday! Let's wake this block UP!"

- 6:30 a.m., residential section of Crystal St.

-- Submitted by Paul

Until you blue-screened.

Guy: "If you were a Mac, and I was a PC, I would have beaten the shit out of you right now."

- Chicago State University

-- Submitted by Leela

SPAM THEM!

Guy #1: "Let's go postal."

Guy #2: "That's so 1990's. We should make up something new."

Guy #1: "Well, we can't go all email on their asses. That just sounds stupid."

- Lakeview

-- Submitted by Stupefied

It's not exactly a compliment.

Girl #1: "...she's such a jap!"

Girl #2: "Asian or Hebrew?"

Girl #1: "Can she be both? But not like, meanly?"

- Northwestern

-- Submitted by Alfalfa

He's not a King, he's a Pink Lady

Thug: "They think I'm a king cause of my mustache. It grows in thin so it makes me look like a king, even when I wear pink."

- #22 Clark bus

-- Submitted by PMA

Another reason to weep for the future. A lot.

Girl: "I mean, I haven't thought in, like, four months."

- Truman College

-- Submitted by Cami

World's biggest bar.

Girl #1: (In Reference to Kosuke Fukudome) "You should yell at him in Chinese!"

Girl #2: "Tell him 'Konichiwa!'"

Girl #3: "No. He wouldn't understand that. That's Asian"

- Wrigley Field

-- Submitted by jrc

They'll figure out a way to make ice cream.

Guy: "...and I'm just tired of watching Iron Chef."

Girl: "What's the problem?"

Guy: "The ingredients are getting boring. I'm waiting for him to life the freaking lid and say, 'Today's ingredients: GLASS SHARDS!"

- Metra South Shore

-- Submitted by Ute

Poor Jake.

Girl #1: "Are we going to Jake's barbecue or Laney's?"

Girl #2: "It all depends on the amount of meat we'll be having."

Girl #1: "I can almost guarantee there will be more at Laney's."

- Loyola

-- Submitted by Quest

And she's only 5.

Guy: (on cell) "No, doc. It's gotten to the point that when I ask her if she wants to go to school, she asks me if I want to go to hell."

- Randolph/Michigan office

-- Submitted by Stunned

Incentive...

Guy #1: "You want to come play some video games later this week?"

Guy #2: "Will your wife be there for me to stare at?"

- Grant Park

-- Submitted by Ali

Shot down. Hard.

Guy: "It's just so great to see you again."

Girl: "Yeah. It's been a long time since you've hit on me."

Guy: "We can skip straight to the pre-breakfast part, you know."

Girl: "You mean me waking up in my bed, in my house, by myself?"

Guy: "Before that?"

Girl: "This IS before that."

- Fransesca's, Bryn Mawr

-- Submitted by Leon

Point, counter-point. Kinda.

Guy #1: "There are just no jobs out there."

Guy #2: "Do you ever think it's your general malaise and lack of drive that makes you unemployable?"

Guy #1: "No. I really think it's just a market thing. I just have to wait it out and something will come."

- Lincoln Park

-- Submitted by JJ

And the sludge. And the mobsters.

Guy: "The water in the lake is so clear you can see all the way down to the bottom."

Girl: "Where the garbage is?"

- Hyde Park Art Center

-- Submitted by Crystal

Pushing the buttons, though, is another thing.

Woman: (on cell) "My kids can put a hot dog in the microwave. They KNOW how to feed themselves."

- #36 Broadway bus

-- Submitted by Milhouse

Pushing the buttons, though, is another thing.

Woman: (on cell) "My kids can put a hot dog in the microwave. They KNOW how to feed themselves."

- #36 Broadway bus

-- Submitted by Milhouse

If there's grass on the field, but it's muddy...forget it.

Girl: "I only do anal because sex before marriage is wrong. I'm a Christain!"

Guy: "And what does the Bible have to say about Sodomy before Marriage?"

Girl: "Why would anyone put sod on me?"

- Andersonville

-- Submitted by mcfarlandwrites

Try the zoo...for idiots.

Girl: "Is there anywhere I can go in Chicago where I can hug a Panda?"

Guy: "Those things are kinda fierce."

Girl: "They've never been hugged by me before. They'll chill."

- Grant Park

-- Submitted by Drizzle

Jump in the deep end.

Guy #1: "It's so freaking hot out! When is fall coming?"

Guy #2: "Didn't you just ask for summer three days ago when it was 60 and rainy?"

Guy #1: "But I didn't want summer to be THIS hot. Just kinda hot."

Guy #2: "You're 'kinda' the biggest attention grabbing turd I know."

- DePaul

-- Submitted by Lexus

Some guys don't need it.

Girl: "Why would a guy be interested in a mermaid? She doesn't have a snatch."

- Red Line

-- Submitted by HJ1000

Not like your brain is busy.

Girl: "I like giant, salted pretzels."

Guy: "Right."

Girl: "Except I hate giant unsalted pretzels. And I don't like the taste of just the salt without the pretzels."

Guy: "Okay."

Girl: "Why can't my face stop playing these games with my brain?!"

- Northwestern

-- Submitted by Yumpers

Ace-hole in deed.

Guy: (on cell) "You have the ace in the hole, man. All you have to tell her is that your mom slept with her brother. How do you lose that argument?"

- Lincoln Park

-- Submitted by Jimbo

No where to be found.

Train Rider: "We had to watch this movie about prostitution. It was supposed to be all tragic and everything, but it wasn't tragic at all. I kept waiting, like 'Okay, where's the tragic part?'"

- Red Line

-- Submitted by Diane

No where to be found.

Train Rider: "We had to watch this movie about prostitution. It was supposed to be all tragic and everything, but it wasn't tragic at all. I kept waiting, like 'Okay, where's the tragic part?'"

- Red Line

-- Submitted by Diane

That's only one optio...oooooh.

Guy: "Your two options are both shutting up!"

- North Ave Beach

-- Submitted by Confused

Good thing he's not a butt man.

Guy: "I've always loved the feet of a baby. So pure, soft, and supple; plus they're always a bit stinky."

-Whole Foods Sauganash

-- Submitted by Joe

So you got the tickets for free?

Guy: "Nothing like two crappy teams playing a meaningless series to show how patheticly ridiculous this town is when it comes to baseball."

- Wrigley Field

-- Submitted by Clark Kent

Definitely one way to look at it.

Guy: "If you don't have any baggage at this point in your life, you must not be any good."

- Durkins

-- Submitted by EI

Thankfully, no.

Guy: (on cell) "It's just that the viagra emails hit really close to home, you know?"

- Red Line

-- Submitted by Carlos

Must be a leader of the group.

Odd looker: "I'm so goth, I wear fuschia."

- #22 Clark bus

-- Submitted by Michael

Good support system, pal.

Guy: "I need more attention."

Girl: "Like emotional or physical?"

Guy: "Both."

Girl: "Well, stop begging and being a tool and maybe you'll get it."

- Union Station

-- Submitted by Chen

Yes we do, JERK!

Gir: (blowing her nose)

Woman: "Oh, do you have a cold?"

Girl: "No, my date is an ass."

Woman: "Well, they don't get any better when you marry them, honey."

- West Side

-- Submitted by EI

No one's ever been there.

Girl: "What's the address again?"

Guy: (gives her an address)

Girl: "Ok, but wh-"

Guy: "Unless you meant the address to my pants."

- Niles

-- Submitted by JoJo

The environment thanks you. The other guys, not so much.

Guy: "Usually when my pee is clear I just don't flush the toilet."

- Northwestern University

-- Submitted by Dan

Until he opens the next bag.

Girl: (on phone) "Honestly, Jim. I don't like when you force me to eat M&M's. It's like you're controlling me with sweet, delicious chocolate and I can't stand it anymore!"

- Little Italy

-- Submitted by Connie

He thanks you for that comment.

Guy: "I mean, his penis was just so apparent!"



- Red Line



-- Submitted by George

They're non-toxic. Sometimes.

Girl: "I'm looking for work, okay?"

Guy: "What's on the horizon?"

Girl: "Well, I'm thinking about taking a bunch of online surveys."

Guy: "For cash?"

Girl: "No. For points. But I can trade in the points for purses and stuff."

Guy: "Are purses edible?"

- Lincoln Park

-- Submitted by Apple

Lifestyle cheats.

Guy #1: "How'd you lose so much weight?"

Guy #2: "I went vegan."

Guy #1: "So you only eat vegetables?"

Guy #2: "Yeah. And the occasional surf and turf. Those are my cheat meals."

- North Side

-- Submitted by Grisssssly Bear

Better than a four year old speed.

Guy: "My dog is so friendly. He'll jump right up in your face. He's like a two year old on crack."

- Benedictine University

-- Submitted by Lou

Probably.

Dad: "Look at those cute hot dogs!"

Little Girl: "Daddy? THAT'S what hot dogs are make of?"

- Humboldt Park

-- Submitted by Jeremiah

How'd you get in the elephant?

Girl: "Sitting in a lounge chair is so comfortable. It's just so cushy. It's like sitting inside of a giant elephant."

- Hookah Lounge, North Suburbs

-- Submitted by Jenae

I'd prefer A.C. Slater, pre-"the rest of his life."

Guy: "My whole life has been like a bad TV show."

Girl: "Like Saved by the Bell bad?"

Guy: "Woman! You are NEVER to tarnish Saved by the Bell again! I would give a billion dollars to trade lives with Zack Morris."

- Northwestern

-- Submitted by Vernon

Because they both usually end without a satisfactory result?

Girl: "I'm on my new summer diet. Healthy breakfast, good lunch, then drink my dinner. I lost 15 pounds last year doing this."

Guy: "That's not a diet; that's LIFE!"

- Mad River

-- Submitted by Edie

Shoot for the stars, kid.

Guy: (on cell) "...but I've gotten rejected so many times, asking is no big deal. One day, a girl who isn't high is going to say yes."

- Green Line

-- Submitted by Amy

The same way they 'accidently' have sex?

Woman: "How does somebody 'accidentally' eat poo?"

- Strack & Van Til

-- Submitted by Spinner

Giving back to the community that gives to you.

Bum: "Hey yo, Mister. Can you spare a cigarette?"

Guy: "I'm sorry. I don't have one."

Bum: "A'ight, that's ok man. But since you with your lady and all, you got a little crust up in yo' eye."

- Art Institute

-- Submitted by Katy

Apparently it was hibernating during the winter.

Guy #1: "She's a bit below your league, huh?"

Guy #2: "What can I say? It's spring and my penis is desperate for attention."

- Smartbar

-- Submitted by James

So it'd be a stinky fire.

Girl #1: "I heard that fertilizer can cause house fires though. Like people souldn't keep it in their garages and stuff."

Girl #2: "Well it IS manure, so..."

- Downtown Elevator

-- Submitted by Mason

Hopefully, he's a college student who still wears smocks.

Guy: (on cell) "You let him wear my Tecate shirt to school as a smock?! He doesn't even like that beer!"

- Blue Line

-- Submitted by Renaldo

Hopefully, he's a college student who still wears smocks.

Guy: (on cell) "You let him wear my Tecate shirt to school as a smock?! He doesn't even like that beer!"

- Blue Line

-- Submitted by Renaldo

Ouch.

Girl: "Oh my GOD do I want to rip out his septum!"

- Southport

-- Submitted by Jenson

Soooo...she's just a girl who has a problem?

Guy #1: "Why does she rhyme everything?"

Guy #2: "Because she's like Eminem. With boobs. And no talent."

- DePaul

-- Submitted by Nathan

It's the little things...in the big things.

Guy #1: "...and I think I need to lose 60 pounds. Or at least convert some weight into muscle."

Guy #2: "Well, what's your motivation? What's driving this decision?"

Guy #1: "To be honest, I just want to see what my belly button looks like."

- XSport, South Loop

-- Submitted by Treego

Mother Nature: Beating people down since the dawn of time.

Girl #1: "It's too hot."

Girl #2: "You've been saying you want the hot weather for the past 6 months."

Girl #1: "Right. But going from 40 to 80 in 2 days doesn't give my body enough ramp up time. I need my body to collect the rays instead of having nature beat the life out of me with them."

Girl #2: "You need stronger sunblock and less tanning."

- Northwestern

-- Submitted by Clyde

He's offering solutions....

Guy: (on cell) "No, sir. I try to pay my bill online, but your system won't let me set up an account. I've sent a paper check but it gets returned because there's no bill stub to go with it. I'm trying to pay my bill, but it's like you guys won't let me. No, I won't take a trip to New York to pay in person!"



- Equitable Building



-- Submitted by Newsy

I'd love to work for Mr. Dumass

Guy #1: "Negativity spreads like a cancer."

Guy #2: "What if the negativity stems from leadership?"

Guy #1: "Then it's obviously prostate cancer."

- Mercantile Exchange

-- Submitted by Limey

Rent is OBVIOUSLY the problem.

Guy: (on cell) "No. I need a raise because I can't afford to pay my rent and I'm in debt up to my eyeballs. Which game? Game 2? How much are the tickets? Yeah. I'll go."

- Red Line

-- Submitted by Chad

It's not crazy. It's prosyletizing.

Girl #1: "What's the name of those anti-abortion people? You know. The crazy ones."

Girl #2: "Christians?"

- Westfield, Old Orchard

-- Submitted by Snuh

Technical Difficulties

I'm having some issues with the form and some other nagging stuff with the site. Posts will be back shortly.

Legit faking.

Guy #1: "We moved everything in the office and tidied it up. Got it sparkling."

Guy #2: "So you can use it as an office and not a storage room?"

Guy #1: "Yeah. We can be productive in there now. Like, actually pretend to do actual work."

- Skokie

-- Submitted by Alexia

KFC's CEO?

Guy: (on cell) "I want to advertise there, but I think too many people would see it. It'd be in plain sight."

- Orange Line

-- Submitted by Tim

B-E-A-T-I-N-G-S

Guy: "I was applying for a security position and they asked me to spell words. Why do I need to know how to do that?"

- Division Bus

-- Submitted by Robby

Mmmm...pickled tink...

Guy: "...I'm absotutely pickled tink!"

Girl: "No girlfriend, huh?"

Guy: "Nope."

Girl: "Shocking."

- Millennium Park

-- Submitted by Vefra

And you wonder why men are confused?

Girl #1: "I need to get picked up tonight. Not laid, but picked up."

Girl #2: "What's the point of getting picked up and not laid? And you need to be sluttier, but not too slutty."

- Northwestern

-- Submitted by Ree-nee

Why aren't you yelling at them, then?

Guy: (on cell) "If they're going to get mad about emails I'm sending, why do they keep answering them? All I'm doing is gathering information. I didn't ask for their second-born child or anything. Passive-aggressive assholes."

- Red Line

-- Submitted by Koby

Or is it anti-dirt?

Guy #1: "My artisitic goal is to create an 'anti-garden.'"

Guy #2: "Like something full of weeds and stuff?"

Guy #1: "No. Something that's the opposite of a garden's original intent."

Guy #2: "So you basically want to create dirt."

- Art Institute

-- Submitted by Laddy

Unless you're bipolar.

Woman: (on cell) “Jimmy, let me put it like this: You can’t use the bi-polar thing as an excuse.”

- Green Line

-- Submitted by Tom

They always promoted SAFE whore sex, people.

Girl #1: "...but if this were Sex and The City, it would be super awesome by now."

Girl #2: "If this was Sex and The City, you'd have AIDS by now."

- Columbia College

-- Submitted by Sistain

Communication is the...oh wait.

Guy: "It'd be awesome if you had a twin."

Girl: "Because one of me isn't good enough?"

Guy: "Right. And we could have a kinky threesome."

Girl: "She'd be my sister!"

Guy: "I know, right? So awesome."

- Grant Park

-- Submitted by Colombiana

You can take it ON the bus, but you can't TAKE IT on the bus.

Girl: (on Cell) "YOU CAN'T TAKE ECSTASY ON A BUS!!"

- Lake Forest

-- Submitted by Flabergasted

He's trying to tell you something.

Hipster #1: "All my Facebook friend are here!"

Hipster #2: "All I see are gays and hipsters."

- Metro

-- Submitted by Striker

Who needs air there, anyway?

Guy #1: "It's just the massively high tree pollen. It makes me super tired."

Guy #2: "Have you tried talking it out with the trees? Reaching some sort of agreement with them?"

Guy #1: "I'm trying, but they keep kicking my ass. Hopefully they don't have any trees in Spain."

- South Loop

-- Submitted by Singer

Not you.

Guy: (on cell) "And they kept talking about how they knew each other from a dating site. Great. I got you trumped. My wife blew him. Who wins NOW?"

- Orange Line

-- Submitted by Candy

Not you.

Guy: (on cell) "And they kept talking about how they knew each other from a dating site. Great. I got you trumped. My wife blew him. Who wins NOW?"

- Orange Line

-- Submitted by Candy

Leave Tom Cruise alone.

Suburbanite: "I hope that autistic guy likes beards."

- Wilmette

-- Submitted by Jenn

He's not going to need a follow up phone call.

Guy: (on cell) "Why would we sponsor you to provide free services? We're not promoting ourselves. We're just showing up and giving you guys stuff that DOESN'T have our name on it. That's ludicrous. I can see why idiots like you have destroyed the economic system we have, you greedy bastard!"

- Red Line

-- Submitted by Marcus

The Bears still rule this town.

Guy #1: "This swine flu is the last thing we needed."

Guy #2: "You know Cutler is going to get it. It'll totally blow the season and our future."

Guy #1: "We're in 100% agreement."

- Little Italy

-- Submitted by Vinnie

Close, but no cigarillo.

Girl: "I think Cinco de Mayo is today."

- Pink line

-- Submitted by Jesse