The old P.W.B.Y.A.L.W.Y.T.T.G.Y.D.A.H. Good times.

Girl #1: "My birthday is in 10 days!! We're doing a pub crawl!"

Girl #2: "You don't even know what a pub crawl is."

Girl #1:"Yeah, but when I figure it out, we're going to do it!"

Girl #2:"Yeah well, you guys can do a pub crawl. I'm going to do a pub walk-behind-you-and-laugh-while-you-try-to-get-your-drunk-ass-home."

-Red Line

-- Submitted by Deliah

Pinworms!

Girl: (on cell) "I'd come over, but I need to figure out why I feel the need to scratch my a-hole all day. GROSS! We don't do that! I think it's just a rash."

- DePaul

-- Submitted by Ale

Dad Of The Year. Right here.

Guy: (on cell) "The key to playdates is naps. The more the kids sleep, the less you have to worry about entertaining them."

- Red Line

-- Submitted by Jolly Roger

Goodbye, Chicago.

Upcoming Changes: Due to popular demand by my readers, I have decided to discontinue Overheard in Chicago and open a new website called Overheard in Fults, Illinois. While I'm sure my Chicago fans will be upset, the draw to start Overheard in Fults is something that I can no longer deny. The 28 denizens of the town are ripe with great quotes that I'm SURE will keep all of my Chicago fans interested!

Let me know what you think of the changes by emailing me at
ziggyk15@yahoo.com

Shaping young minds

Student: "When I started painting class, I knew nothing about painting. The professor was just like, 'Aaaaaand... paint.'"

- Michigan Avenue

-- Submitted by Matt

It'd get MAD media coverage

Girl: "Why can't you just tell them you refuse to get laid off?"

Guy: "It doesn't work that way."

Girl: "Well. Tell them that you're going to organize a sit in."

Guy: "Ok. I'll get all four of us to sit in against the other 3 employees that are left. It'll be a showdown for the ages. Great idea."

- Grant Park

-- Submitted by Collins

Rough decision.

Guy: (on cell) "How on earth do you confuse lavendar with maroon? How do you do that? Well, as I see it your two options are going to the store or going to hell. Your choice."

- Merchandise Mart

-- Submitted by Shoppey

Get this girl rubber pants!

Woman: "I peed the bed once, but it was an air mattress. So that made it way worse"

- Southport Lanes

-- Submitted by Amanda

That can be arranged.

Guy #1: "Spring break in T minus 5. Hell yeah!"

Guy #2: "Who cares? We aren't going anywhere and we have to work."

Guy #1: "But just IMAGINE we were staring at chicks and getting laid. Makes spring break all that much better."

Guy #2: "Yeah. Because picturing Amy at the front desk naked definitely makes me want to party. I'd rather see the Bears O-line naked."

- Lincoln Park

-- Submitted by Fransisco

He'd NEVER leave me alone.

Man: "I'll leave you alone right up until the point you start doin the kickin' chicken."

- Roosevelt and Halsted

-- Submitted by Sh

Yes. Fish dissolve in water.

Guy: (on cell) "He thinks the tuna busted the dishwasher? But it's a fish? Wouldn't it just dissolve in the water? But it's a fish for crying out loud! How does that break a water based device?"

- Red Line

-- Submitted by Rick B.

It's no good on its own, pal.

Woman: "I'm absolutely tired of my vagina."

Man: "Can I borrow it for a while?"

- DePaul

-- Submitted by Teeny

Again?

Guy: (on cell) "I think tonight I'm going to be potty training my wife again."

- Union Station

-- Submitted by Guy

Because HR departments have become jokes.

Guy #1: "How's the job hunt going?"

Guy #2: "Fine, I guess. The way I'm figuring it, it's not really a rejection if they never contact you. You're just on hold. Forever."

- Evanston

-- Submitted by RR

Me thinks that something will be ruined.

Guy: (on cell) "If you ruin it, it will ruin the entire surprise. Then the event will be ruined which will ruin my day, thus ruining everything. Don't ruin that."

- Metra Union Pacific West

-- Submitted by Beth

Nothing like some good smarm

Woman: "He was all flirty and I thought he was a little bit smarmy. But not BAD swarmy. Not, like, lawyer smarmy."

- Damen and Wabansia

-- Submitted by Tabitha

Pent up issues?

Girl: "Mommy, I went potty!"

Mom: "Wow! Good job! Grandma's going to be SO proud of you!"

Girl: "Did you go potty, too?"

Mom: "Yes, but grandma's never proud of me."

- Lincoln Park Zoo bathroom

-- Submitted by Spinner

Jealous.

Guy #1: "My brother wants to build a go-kart."

Guy #2: "Oh yeah? For what?"

Guy #1: "I think he's going to get into a race back home."

Guy #2: "Oh gee wilikers! Are Alfalfa and Spanky going to be there? Hot DOG!"

- Northwestern University

-- Submitted by Lacey

Someone is generalizing.

Girl: (on cell) "Well if you were a Geico caveman, the first thing we'd do is shave your back and face. But of course, if you were a caveman, odds are I wouldn't be dating you. I like my men more modern and less smelly."

- Michigan and Roosevelt Bus stop

-- Submitted by Colin

For her it is.

Guy #1: "We should find out what she's getting him for a groom's gift and then get him two of the same thing."

Guy #2: "Right. But is it considered a gift when you actual take someone's manhood?"

- Law Office, Downtown

-- Submitted by Jerry

Playstation Portables are watching....

Guy: "He could read my mind like he had PSP or something."

- Loyola University

-- Submitted by Qwerty

The man loves his balls.

Girl: (on cell) "I just can't take any more stupid sports. It's twenty four seven with you! If ESPN is on when I get home, I'm leaving. No you shouldn't pack my things, you jerk!"

- Water Tower Place

-- Submitted by Krousa

Tea or otherwise!

Girl: "I'm serious. There's not a spot of anything on anything that shouldn't have a spot of anything on it."

- UIC

-- Submitted by SH

Sounds appetizing.

Man: "What're we doing for dinner?"

Woman: "I figure with the kids out, we'll just throw the left-overs from the past few days together."

Man: "So that'd be..."

Woman: "A meatsagnachickensaladloaf."

- Barnes and Noble, Skokie

-- Submitted by Pete

Try it and send me what your boss says!

Girl #1: "I think my foot hurts."

Girl #2: "Well, does it hurt or doesn't it?"

Girl #1: "I can't tell. Every time I step it kinda feels like something is there kinda, but every time I lift it off the ground, that something is kinda gone."

Girl #2: "That's not going to get you out of work."

- Blue Line

-- Submitted by Tracker

Someone talk to the Amstel people!

Girl #1: "They're changing the formula of Old Style? What the fuck? What are they going to change?"

Girl #2: "It's going to be the same, only less krauesened than previously. Don't worry--it'll still suck.

Girl #1: "Well, that's a relief."

-Red Line

-- Submitted by Spinner

Opposite sexed poisons.

Guy: (on cell) "You NEVER mix Right Guard with Secret! Especially one arm each. That's like mixing poisons!"

- Northwestern

-- Submitted by Nate

Nothing unusual in this city.

Girl: "I should call him to tell him it's over. Hopefully the public obscenities would scare the tourists away."

- Giant phone on Michigan Ave.

-- Submitted by Damon B.

Well, the people ARE stupid...

Woman: "Every show has a talking animal in it. Talking pigs, talking sheep, talking cows, talking dogs, talking anything but people. And whenever the people are on, they're always stupid or bumbling dopes who need to get saved by the ever so clever animal. You'd think PETA would be less involved in kid shows."

- North Side

-- Submitted by Leesee

Just like grandma used to make.

Guy: (on cell) "My kids are getting chocolate chip cookies as a present from grandma tonite. Right, but the only problem is that the cookies are so hard, they're either going to break their teeth or break the floor when they drop them. I don't know, mortar?"

- Blue line

-- Submitted by Endo

Somewhere in that small vicinity.

Guy: "Where's Montrose and Sheridan?"

Girl: "It's off of 94 and Lake Shore Drive."

- DePaul

-- Submitted by Chris

Yeah. Awesome. Except for Grandma.

Girl: "My great grandmother died. And we inherited all her jewelry. And that's like totally awesome.

-Forever 21

-- Submitted by Tim

What on EARTH is the problem?

Girl : (on cell) "...and you're going to go back into the bedroom, pull your pants down, and punch yourself in the nuts. Because it's the only thing that's going to solve it."

- Grant Park

-- Submitted by Sheila

It's Columbia. This is normal.

Girl: (in an elevator) "Wait. What floor is this? Am I on the right floor? Whoa, am I even in the right building?"

- Columbia College

-- Submitted by Zachary

Or just switch to the bluetooth.

Guy: (on cell) "Don't just stay on the phone and talk! Throw a watermelon back at him!"

- Metra Milwaukee District North

-- Submitted by Laney

Apparantly, a galaxy class starship can be run by the Love Boat guy.

Guy: "Do you like Star Trek?"

Girl: "Yes, I do."

Guy: "Which is you favorite series?"

Girl: "I like the Next Generation."

Guy: "Who is your favorite character?"

Girl: "I like that bald guy, Capt. Stubing."

- At the NEIU Campus

-- Submitted by Aaron

Keep it to myspace. No one checks that.

Guy: (on cell) "How do you keep your girlfriend from finding out that you keep cheating on her? Well you can stop Twittering every damn thing you do for starters, and that includes people you boink."

- Lincoln Park Zoo

-- Submitted by Kat

That's quite a policy

Girl: "What time are you coming over?"

Guy: "What time are your parents leaving?"

Girl: "Half an hour after they know you've left the house and I'm not impregnated."

- Glenview

-- Submitted by Ronnie T.

At least you got to make out, right?

Girl #1: "How was the date?"

Girl #2: "I'd rather make out with a rusty cheese grater."

- DePaul

-- Submitted by Gee-off

Your penis and nose would hate you.

Guy #1: "...and to lose 50 billion dollars? I mean, what do you do with that cash?"

Guy #2: "Hookers and blow, man. Hookers and blow. It's ruined many a man."

- North Side

-- Submitted by Carly

That's when they DON'T freak out when you try to kill them.

Guy: (on cell) "No! No, no, no. You can't kill them one by one. They run around freaked out and get blood everywhere when you do that! Oh, well why didn't you say it was for sport?"

- Grand and Wood

-- Submitted by Keith

Space occupied.

Girl: (on cell) "She's going to the hospital now? Oh my god! Make her wait til I get there! I'm gonna be all up in her vagina!"

- Schaumburg Metra Station

-- Submitted by Timbo

Taurus's need extra attention.

Girl: "Leo's need their ego's stroked to be successful. I consider myself a big time stroker."

- Northbrook

-- Submitted by Cleana

There just has to be another way...for her to shuck responsibility

Sales Associate: "Your balance on your credit card is over $1,000. Your available credit is...sorry. Zero."

Customer: "So, I CAN'T use it?"

Friend: "How can she put more money on it?"

Sales Associate: "By paying her bill."

- Victoria's Secret

-- Submitted by Maria Clara

Well, it is called public transit.

Rowdy El Passenger: "This shit is public as hell!"

- Red Line

-- Submitted by Giles

Call me. Immediately.

Girl #1: "...I'm tired of faking all the time."

Girl #2: "It's sad when you have to fake an orgasm while masturbating."

- Jackson Subway Station

-- Submitted by AK

Went to a party, yadda, yadda, yadda, someone crushed my balls.

Girl: "You going to Janey's on Saturday?"

Guy: "Nah. Last time I was there, I left with testicular torsion. I'm not risking that again."

- Highland Park

-- Submitted by Yowch!

It's their M.O.

Guy #1: "...and all I'm saying is that the Bears better get somebody in free agency."

Guy #2: "They'll get somebody. It's just a matter if that person is going to be a backup or a waste of money."

Guy #1: "Hopefully both."

- Red Line

-- Submitted by Clark

That's not a number.

Girl: (on cell) "On a scale of 1 to 10, you're as sharp as a marble!"

- Metra Station, Glenview

-- Submitted by Ally

At least he has goals.

Bum: "I know times are tough, but I need help. The other guys can afford markers and cardboard whileI'm still only using a cup. Help me get ahead, folks. Help me beat the homeless rat race."

- Randolph and Clark

-- Submitted by Applet

I like her plan.

Girl: "My goal is to marry a 25 year old guy by the time I'm 45."

Guy: "And if it doesn't happen by 45?"

Girl: "I'll start 5 year increments. 50/30. 55/35. 60/40. And I'll buy huge cans."

- Evanston

-- Submitted by Pico

Lawyer, right?

Guy (on cell) "It's also plausible that my clothes were burned without harming me physically. Right, but plausible and believable aren't the same."

- Lakeview

-- Submitted by Rayray

Hello, porn situation!

Woman: "I mean, I love him, but he's a weirdo. When we first moved in, our neighbor came over with chocolate chip cookies. He wasn't wearing any pants so he wrapped a blanket around himself and went to the door. I come home and find the woman next door standing in my house with cookies while my husband isn't wearing any pants. Talk about embarrassing."

- Red Line

-- Submitted by Maria

He needs to calm hisself down

Guy: (yelling on cell) "'His-self' is not a fucking word, you piece of smarm!"

- Red Line

-- Submitted by Mizzy

Because women love the famished ones.

Male Hipster: "I weigh like eleven pounds more than you do and that's terrible because you weigh like 100."

- Ukranian Village

- Submitted by Sandy

And dogs smell worse.

Man: "I can't believe it is going to snow again."



Woman: "Well, that is better then rain."



Man: "Really? Why?"



Woman: "Well, with snow you get wet but with rain you get, like, really wet."



- Metra SW Service



-- Submitted by 10withamop

Of course of course not.

Girl: (on cell) "How is it his fault, Jen? You cheated on him, though. Right,but you were still engaged. So break it off and then sleep with him. Do you ever get the impression that most of your problems stem from your cowardice and stupidity? Of course not."

- Ukranian Village

-- Submitted by Roe

Flavor improvement?

Guy: "Running your fingers under the sink after you take a dump is NOT washing your hands. You might as well rub your junk and ass all over the food. Nasty bastard."

- Hooters, Downtown

-- Submitted by Noah

I'll tell her.

Woman: (on cell) "Well, then, you kindly tell her that her hot little ass is no longer allowed at our house."

- Blue Line

-- Submitted by Wicka

At least her heart is in the right place.

Girl #1: "So I've decided what I want to do with my life."

Girl #2: "Yea?"

Girl #1: "I'm going to go back to school, get my Masters and become a Guidance Counselor."

Girl #2: "Cool. So you want to help people?"

Girl #1: "No way. My dad's a guidance counselor and he doesn't do anything at work."

- Purple Line

-- Submitted by Beth

Cooties: It's an epidemic

Guy: "This is not just affecting the state! If it starts affecting us nationally, it'll affect the entire United States!"

- Jackson & Jefferson

-- Submitted by mig

Yeah. Because he'd fly to the Dominican without a "contribution."

Guy #1: "...and then they'll find out who the cousin is. Then he's in trouble."

Guy #2: "Not to sound too 'conspiracy theorist,' but do you think Blagojevich is involved? Think about it. 'Cousin.' 'A-Rod.' 'Rod Blagojevich.' Sounds a little to cozy for me."

Guy #1: "You stay up at night thinking about these things, don't you?"

- Chase Building

-- Submitted by Brad

What's a doctor trained for anyway? Right?

Woman: "We're just trying to cut and trim, trim and cut. Hell, if I can give my family free haircuts, minor surgeries couldn't be too bad."

- State of Illinois building

-- Submitted by Bloggo

There's gotta be one.

Guy: (on cell) "There is zero reason for your shirt to smell like racoon crap. Absolutely none."

- Orange Line

-- Submitted by Stretch

Should have used protection.

Guy #1: "My legs are killing me."

Guy #2: "It's AIDS."

Guy #1: "So how do you explain my back?"

Guy #2: "Cancer."

Guy #1: "Great. Cancer and AIDS! Unbelievable!"

Guy #2: "Yeah. Tumors can be real sluts."

- Lincoln Park

-- Submitted by Trixasaurus Rex

Sign me up for pilhardcorelates!

Guy: "...and she's still doing pilates, right?"



Girl: "Yeah, but I told her to stop wearing those shorty shorts. I might see things she doesn't want me seeing."



Guy: "Why the hell would you think that?! I'm calling her right now and telling her that she needs to wear those shorts and bring some liquor to pilates. I'm going to put the hardcore back in pilates training!"



Girl: "Yes. Because every pilates session is moments from becoming a lesbian orgy."



- West Loop



-- Submitted by Allison

Good question.

Girl: "I just got 'touche'd' putting myself down. How the hell does that work?"

- Uptown

-- Submitted by Lisate

Which girl is the liar.....

Woman #1: "Tess? Oh my word! It IS you! And you had the baby!"

Woman #2: "It's so great to see you! My baby girl is now 3 months old!"

Woman #1: "How's the weight loss going?"

Woman #2: "I'm at my pre-pregnancy weight now. Why?"

Woman #1: "Because you look super awesome, that's why!"

- LA Fitness, Roosevelt

-- Submitted by Dedom

Except for the ladies.

Dressing Room Attendant: "The men's sizes run small. They're European sizes."

Guy: "Europeans need to stop wearing their pants so fucking tight."

- H&M on State

-- Submitted by Crystal

Love and stupidity all rolled up into one.

Annoying Indie Kid: "I'll piss your name in the snow on Valentine's Day."

Girl: "Amanda has a lot of letters."

- Red Line

-- Submitted by Stoj and Shea

But most people can hear.

Girl: "I wondered if he heard me telling Susie about how cute he was. Then I remembered: he was in a different room, and it's only vampires who can read minds."

- Loop office building

-- Submitted by another Twilight fan

Better than watching paint dry....or not.

Guy #1: "What do you want to do this weekend?"

Guy #2: "I'm going to watch a lot of fishing. Interested?"

Guy #1: "I would be if I wasn't busy slitting my wrists instead. But watching fishing is right after that on my 'to-do' list."

- Lakeview

-- Submitted by Glob Rob

Movies taught me that houses travel by tornado

Guy: "Gas bill? What you paying a gas bill for?"

Girl: "People pay gas bills."

Guy: "Where you driving your house to? Your house ain't driving nowhere, what you got a gas bill for?"

- Columbia College

-- Submitted by really?

More people deserve this.

Girl: "So why did he get kicked out?"

Guy: "He was being a jackass; so they pulled the no jackass clause out of his contract."

Girl (sings): "Yay! No more jackass!"

- UIC

-- Submitted by SH

More people deserve this.

Girl: "So why did he get kicked out?"

Guy: "He was being a jackass; so they pulled the no jackass clause out of his contract."

Girl (sings): "Yay! No more jackass!"

- UIC

-- Submitted by SH

Wonder how we got into this mess...

Girl: "Do youthink I should by a house?"

Guy: "You're a student with no income. How would you pull that off?"

Girl: "But mortgage rates are awesome right now!''

- Lincoln Park

-- Submitted by Brobama

That's what she said, anybody?

Guy: "Next person to quote that stupid ass 'My New Haircut' video gets a new face cut with my fists. Why can't you enjoy something without trampling it to death?"

- Northwestern

-- Submitted by Clyde

Who'd have suffered more?

Drunk: "If my next beer doesn't taste like a Miller Lite, I'm going to go ape shit."

Bartender: "You've been ordering Heineken's the entire night."

Drunk: "Why would you let me do that? They should take your bartendering paper and crap on it. We'd be even."

- McFaddens

-- Submitted by Terryn

Except for him.

Girl #1: "He's so cute."

Girl #2: "You would totally marry him. And have his kids."

Girl #1: "And he'd have no clue. It would be perfect."

- New Trier

-- Submitted by B.K.

Good man

Guy: "I never extend my right hand because it's my ass-scrubbin' hand. People deal."

- Loyola

-- Submitted by Noah

You'd think one would keep the other busy.

Guy: (on cell) "Getting caught by your parents sucks. Getting caught by your kids sucks worse. Getting caught by your parents AND your kids within twenty minutes not only super sucks, but I'm not getting laid again for weeks!"

- Red Line

-- Submitted by Angelique

They prefer "mature."

Guy #1: "...and she got all pissed that I asked her age. Are women that insecure?"

Guy #2 "No. They're just all way too old."

- Rednofive

-- Submitted by Kirk

Harsh.

Tired stage manager: "I used to wish I could dance.... Now I wish you could!"

-Local Theatre rehearsal

-- Submitted by Mike

Music is vital.

Student: "We made this movie in the sandwich shop where my boyfriend works. There’s gonna be some music that comes in and out, ignore that. My boyfriend’s coworker threw a temper tantrum cause he said he couldn’t make sandwiches without music on."

- Web Video Class, Northwestern University

--Submittec by Arianna

Close.

Girl: "When's New Year's Eve?"

Guy: "December 30th."

- Columbia College

-- Submitted by Paige

Mutually Exclusive

Bum: "I may be an ugly man, but I'm a GOOD man!"

- Michigan and Washington

-- Submitted by Amanda

Who isn't?

Guy #1: "How's your mom doing?"

Guy #2: "Fine. She's still trying to figure out an inexpensive way to get the car out of the pool, though."

- DePaul

-- Submitted by Yippee

Step 13: Score.

Guy: (on cell) "Everyone's meeting fine-ass people in AA meetings these days."

- #11 Bus

-- Submitted by grahamisded

Good call

Guy: (on cell) "Fuck that. I'm not gonna use my college education to go to grad school. What the hell would I do with that?"

- Brown Line

-- Submitted by T

Women: Always fooling themselves.

Girl: (on cell) "That makes it sound so serious. I like to think of it as I'm so good that he came without me having to touch him."

- Purple Line

-- Submitted by Ava

Poop museum.

Woman #1: "Why can't you just go out with him?"

Woman #2: ''Because I like the arts and he likes taking the world's longest craps until I fall asleep. I haven't found a way to combine the two yet."

- East Bank Club

-- Submitted by Classy

A bit of a drawl.

Guy: (on cell) "She kept telling me she was hungry, but I couldn't make out what she wanted. I finally figured out that she was saying broccoli. No, it sounded like brachachachachaaaaaah. Like she was hocking a loog, but in word form."

- Orange Line

-- Submitted by Erica

He's just staying classy.

Guy: (on cell) "I couldn't believe he has no hesitation on the 'f-word,' but he can't say shit. Fuckin' poo-head? Really?"

- Weathermark Tavern

-- Submitted by Doe

Please say Civil War.

Girl: (on cell) "I have a history quiz to study for and I need you to tell me if the Articles of the Confederation came before the Declaration of Independence. Wait, what war?"

- Loyola Library

-- Submitted by apeface

BUSTED!

Train Engineer (Over loud speaker): "Just so you know, that wasn't smart what you did sir..."

- North and Clybourn Red Line Stop

-- Submitted The Girl W/ Kaleidoscope Eyes

Energy boost!

(Couple at snowcovered car)

Woman: "You can get it out if you put a little effort into it."

Man: "No way. Its covered! We won't be able to get it out!"

Woman: "Are you going to get a shovel?"

Man: "No. I'm going to get a fucking bag of candy!"

-Grace & Bell

-- Submitted byNorth Center Snoop

Energy boost!

(Couple at snowcovered car)

Woman: "You can get it out if you put a little effort into it."

Man: "No way. Its covered! We won't be able to get it out!"

Woman: "Are you going to get a shovel?"

Man: "No. I'm going to get a fucking bag of candy!"

- Grace & Bell

-- Submitted by North Center Snoop

College girl. Really?

Guy: "...she's just so damn flighty."

Girl: "What is that supposed to mean."

Guy: "What? Flighty? It means you're always up and down. She can never keep plans solid."

Girl: "Oh. I thought she was a flight attendant or something."

- Loyola, Water Tower

-- Submitted by gigi

Usually, it's more.

Guy: (on cell) "So he got promoted? And I care why? Oh. Well, unless one of his perks is 'less asshole,' I don't give a damn."

- Blue Line

-- Submitted by Corey

Must've missed that page.

El Passenger: "People don't make babies. God makes babies. And babies are just punishment for not remaining a virgin. a Punishment! I mean the Bible, the BIBLE, warns against marriage!"

- Red Line

-- Submitted by Ariel