Touche, my friend. Touche.

Girl 1: "Look! Oprah's on the cover of her magazine again!"

Girl 2: "She's like some kind of egomaniac! It's disgusting."

Girl 1: "Well, it is her magazine."

Girl 2: "Well, you don't see the owner of (looks around) PEOPLE on the cover every day!"

- Dominick's, Broadway and Sheffield

-- Submitted by Secret Chris

How about not eating at White Hen?

Girl 1: "How can I lose TEN pounds in a week?!"

Girl 2: "Stop eating."

Girl 1: "No, I love to eat."

- White Hen, Sheffield and Diversey

-- Submitted by W

Apparently, beggars can be choosers.

Homeless Guy: "Excuse me, could I please have some change? Anyone? Please?"

Lady: (gives the guy some chips) "Here."

Homeless Guy: "Are you sure you don't have some change? These aren't too good for me. They're way too salty and unhealthy..."

- Red Line (yes, there can be homeless people on the train)

-- Submitted by Budzy

Easy Mom. Having her mark her territory will make the lions angry.

Mom: "Zora, you need to go pee."

Zora: "No pee!"

Mom: "Zora, if you don't go potty, the animals will get you."

- Brookfield Zoo

-- Submitted by Spinner

They then crushed beer cans on their foreheads.

Chick: "I watched 'Grease' last night."

Guy: "Oh my god! ME TOO!"

Chick: "Oh my God! I LOVE 'Grease!'"

Guy: "OH MY GOD! ME TOO!"

Chick: "Hula!"

- BeBoBa Bubble Tea Shop

-- Submitted by Anonymous

This guy has the past in perspective.

Older Guy: "I'm bringing all the motown classics back. James Brown, now there was a guy who could sing and make a great song without all the nastiness that's with today's music. He talked about making love, but in a romantic way, you know?"

Younger Guy: "Hell yeah, bro! James Brown got mad pussy! He da pimp!"

- Red Line, Garfield

-- Submitetd by JS

Right. So they could at least have a "C" in the name.

Tourist #1: "This looks good, but is it Chicago style?"

Native: "Ladies. Is the name of the restaurant Chicago Pizza Kitchen?"

Tourist #2: "No. California Pizza Kitchen."

Native: "Then what's the problem?"

Tourist #1: "We just don't know if it's Chicago style pizza. Every pizza in Chicago is Chicago style."

Native: "Then why do you think it's called California Pizza Kitchen?"

Tourist #1: "They can't have every pizza place start with the word Chicago, so they picked California."

- Outside of CPK on Ohio St.

-- Submitted by Dizzy

So do you like it or not?

Guy: (sips water) "UGH! This water doesn't taste right. It's taste's like I thawed a chicken in it. It tastes like I'm going to get sick."

- Downtown Office

-- Submitted by The Capt

He said connoisseur, not alcoholic.

Dude: "That guy is a real wine connoisseur."

Girl: "HE'S a real connoisseur? Did HE get kicked out of a sorority for drinking wine?"

- Clark and Addison

-- Submitted by Andy

Oh. THAT Mary.

Girl: "What's that poster for?"

Guy: "The Nativity. You know. Mary? Who got knocked up by GOD?"

- Division Bus

-- Submitted by Eavesdropper

(Drum fill)

Guy #1: "You know why they call him 'Pacman,' right?"

Guy #2: "No, why?"

Guy #1: "Because he eats balls."

- Joe's, O'hare

-- Submitted by Smiley

At least he called her a lady.

Guy: "Please just let me go punch that lady in the face!"

- Michigan Ave. Festival of Lights

-- Submitted by Stephanie

Congratulations, Sir. You must have charmed them off.

(Man walking out of an apparent business meeting)

Man: (on cell) "I GOT HER PANTS!"

- Northbrook

-- Submitted by Big Gay Mule

Have a Happy Thanksgiving Weekend!!!

Yesterday? He's been waiting since 1994!

Guy #1: "Did you hear they shortened the movie title?"

Guy #2: "No."

Guy #1: "Yeah. It was originally Casino Royale With Cheese."

Guy #2: (to random) "He's apparently been working on the joke since 2 o'clock yesterday."

- Downtown Theater, in line for the new Bond Movie

-- Submitted by ecobox

We aren't just meat! We're human beings!

Girl #1: "So did you hook up with him?"

Girl #2: "No! He was so freakin' ugly!"

Girl #1: "Who cares!? You can't see his face while he's eating you out!"

- Grace St.

-- Submitted by Pegasus Surprise

1+1+53=3

Girl: "I hate Eli Manning!"

Guy: "Yeah. He's a fag."

Girl: "How many 'fags' are in the NFL."

Guy: "I don't know. Three. Eli Manning, Jeff Garcia, and..."

Girl: "The San Fransisco 49ers?"

- Champp's in Skokie

-- Submitted by Pop

Taste that? It's bitter.

Girl #1: "...I mean, I guess what I miss the most about him is lying in bed at night and him keeping me warm."

Girl #2: "Get a fucking blanket."

- Starbuck's, Armitage and Sheffield

-- Submitted by lpjess

No. It doesn't. Bitch.

Girl: "Well, if it makes you feel any better, I spent 2 hours this morning skinning the labia major of my body."

- Potbelly's, Taylor and Ashland

-- Submitted by Beth

Mmmm....formaldehyde.

Guy #1: "Oh my god!!! WHO WAS IN THERE?!"

Guy #2: "When you gotta go, you gotta go."

Guy #1: "But you don't have to leave rotting corpses in there after you. Did you perform an autopsy in there or something?"

- UIC Dorm, Commons West

-- Submitted by Sparky

Not as big as Luxembourg!

Girl: "I can teach you English if you teach me Asian. How do you say 'I love you' in Asian?"

Asian Guy: "Asia is a continent. I'm Thai; from Thailand, which is a country in Asia."

Other Guy: "How many people are in Asia?"

Girl: "He just said Asia is a continent. It's big, like the United States. It's got all these cities like the U.S."

Other Guy: "I know that! But I wanna know how many people are in it. Like I know China is small, but Korea is big."

- Red Line, near Addison

-- Submitted by Bmannes

That's why he didn't vote.

Guy: "I'm a white male. Politics don't effect me."

- Loyola, Rogers Park

-- Submitted by Chris

Northwestern: Where students have everything in perspective.

Student #1: "I just got a grade on a math midterm that, if I got that grade in breathing, I'd be dead."

Student #2: "So, like, a C+?"

- Northwestern University

-- Submitted by Amanda

Nepotism, narcolepsy, it's all the same. Letters are really meaningless.

Woman: (on cell) I don't know. I think I have that thing, it was in that movie, where you fall asleep randomly. You know, like nepotism."

- Clark and Division

-- Submitted by Greg

This would fall into the "gross" category.

Guy: (on cell) "Yeah, that was something that shouldn'ta happened. Ya shouldn't mess with a cousin. But shit, that girl can fuck! I mean, damn, she can really fuck!"

- #6 Jackson Park Express

-- Submitted by Oedipus

At least she's responsible.

Woman: (on cell) "So when are you going to start having kids? This summer? No? Oh. You're going to start having them in September so you can drink during the summer. Yeah. That does sound like good family planning."

- Loyola "L" Stop

-- Submitted by Apeface

My mom says this all the time. For different reasons though.

Brother: "Yeah? It's YOU. YOU smell like ass."

Sister: "Your mom smells like ass."

Brother: "YOUR mom smells like ass."

Mom: "I hate you guys."

- Michigan Ave.

-- Submitted by Lizz

That's a solid defense.

Woman: "I can vouch for him. He was never part of my graduating class. Therefore, he was never arrested."

- Kenmore and Rosemont

-- Submitted by Confused

I'm in need of help.

Please read this: I would really appreciate the help.

Z

No. Way.

Mother: "Let's put the toy back in your backpack."

Son: "How about we put it...ummm...in YOUR VAGINA!"

- Fullerton Ave.

-- Submitted by B

Yes. That's EXACTLY the problem.

Woman: "I'm telling you: this kid is so cute she thinks she can get away with everything by batting her eyelashes."

Man: "That's the problem with kids, nowadays. They think they own the damn world. I say to hell with 'em."

- Grant Park

-- Submitted by Leila

I believe I don't believe it.

Girl: "I feel like I'm a burden to you."

Guy: "You're not a burden. Well, yeah, you are sort of a burden."

Girl: "But, we still love each other right?"

Guy: (walks away)

Girl: (on cell) "You won't believe what this asshole said and then didn't say to me!"

- Michigan Ave.

-- Submitted by Stagalicious

No reason, really. He just kinda felt like it.

Student #1: "Wait. Who's Rumsfeld? It says 'Bush announces Rumsfeld resigns.' Who's Rumsfeld?"

Student #2: "He's the Secretary of Defense."

Student #1: "Oh. Why did he resign?"

- Loyola University Library

-- Submitted by Treecha

Respect for professionals.

Guy: "I just saw my dentist for the first time in 6 years. He said, 'Everything looks good except for a few cavities on one side.' I was like, 'You're the one who fucked up my retainer and forced me to chew on one side of my mouth for the rest of my life, you little bitch!'"

- Chicago Federal Reserve

-- Submitted by Shhhh!

Letting him down easy.

Man: "But, baby, I don't want us to end. We've been through so much. I love you."

Woman: "You're a fucktard. Bye."

- United Center

-- Submitted by Shabazz

Nothing like sympathy to get you through death.

Woman: (on cell) "You're dying? Well. Would you like some spaghetti while you're dying?"

- Brownstone's, DePaul, Lincoln Campus

-- Submitted by Deborah

Me. Ow.

Girl #1: "Maybe I should have dressed as a pinata. Then we'd actually have something to do at this house party."

Girl #2: "Well, you aren't dressed like a pinata, but I'd be more than happy to beat you with a stick."

- Milwaukee and Damen

-- Submitted by Pegasus Surprise

Well, it is a class about sleep studies.

Student: "And I love how she was sassing me about being late. I haven't been late that much. And maybe if her class wasn't such a snore-fest, I might want to be there for the whole thing!"

- Loyola, Water Tower Campus

-- Submitted by B

Out today.

Sorry about the lack of posts today. I had to get out the door early. I'll make a triumphant return on Monday. In the mean time, make me a happy camper and buy a shirt or something. Or you could add me as a friend on MySpace.

Thanks,

Z

Those are called sundaes.

Woman #1: "I've been downing parfaits left and right. They're delicious!"

Woman #2: "Do you prefer strawberry yogurt or plain? What about granola?"

Woman #1: "I usually have them with ice cream. And whipped cream."

- Washington and Wells

-- Submitted by Kinny

It's strictly for comfort purposes!

Woman: "Damn it! I'm so mad he looks better in women's lingerie than I do!"

- N. Michigan Ave.

-- Submitted by Lisa

Nothing says commitment like slappin' different ho's.

Woman: (on cell) "Is you is or is you ain't my man? Well if you is then why you be gettin' arrested? If you was my man you would stop messin with that ho, whoopin' her ass, and then gettin' arrested!"

- Red Line

-- Submitted by Mahrya

They must have been jumping over canyons.

(Group of 20-something black guys dressed in normal clothing on the Saturday before Halloween)

Drunk white guy:"Hey look, they're all dressed as Kanye West!"

- McDonald's, Fullerton/Halsted/Lincoln

-- Submitted by Tim

Gay guys can be so bitchy sometimes.

Guy: "So this little whore is trying to get with my ex just to hurt me, so I'm just going to tell [my ex] that he has AIDS."

- Loyola Lakeshore Campus

-- Submitted by B

Don't forget to add me to your friends list on MySpace!

Yay for this mom.

Mom: "You are not getting a cell phone because you are 5 YEARS OLD!!"

- Northside Target

-- Submitted by Mondo

Seriously? You keep up a good facade.

Girl: (yells) "I LOVE HENESSEY!" (stops yelling) "Bye Bitch. So anyway my life is totally not together right now."

- Loyola University

-- Submitted by Can't Believe It

ATTENTION WHORE!

Woman: "Whenever someone says they're in P.R. or advertising, I'm like, 'Wow, you just got more interesting.'"

- Red Line

-- Submitted by Qazzz

Three miles? I usually go 10 feet. Then collapse. And eat.

Girl 1: "Oh my god! I can't believe I got two doughnuts! I am going to be SO FAT!"

Girl 2: (laughs) "Do you remember last week when we ran three miles instead of eatting?"

Girl 1: "Yeah, that was so awesome."

- Downtown Dunkin Donuts

-- Submitted by Apeface

He's right. Just ask Carnie Wilson

Big Dude: "I just don't have a sense of self."

Buddy: "Yeah, you do. You've really been doing well."

Big Dude: "No. Being fat is not a sense of self. It's a sense of cake."

- Purple Line

-- Submitted by Cheese Soup

Kind of like trying acid...in sandwich form.

Mother: "C'mon Rachel! Get out of the car, open your mind, and try something new."

Kid: "Fine! But Corner Bakery is NOT the same as Panera!"

- Highland Park

-- Submitted by I Love the Northern 'Burbs

Wiggity.

Indian kid #1: "Shenil's blacker than you."

Indian Kid #2: "Yeah, but Krishna is blacker than both of us."

White Kid: "Nah. I'm the blackest one here, yo."

- North Suburban High School

-- Submitted by White and Nerdy

Back up, Missy. At least 10% did.

Girl: "Where do construction workers even learn how to do construction? It's not like they went to college."

- Red Line

-- Submitted by Marjorie

Best Program Ever.

Hot Chick: "I'm now in a 12 step program. I'm never more than 12 steps away from chocolate."

- Morton Grove

-- Submitted by Roar

Don't forget to check out The Myspace page or buy a cool item at The Shop!!

Except Grave Diggers.

Crazy: "I'm no spring chicken, you know. I'm 60 years old. I'm just five years away from retiring. And then, if you take that further, eventually the grave. Yes siree, I'll be in my grave. And then no one can get me!"

- 151 Bus

-- Submitted by (the aptly named) 151 Rider

Funny because it's true.

CTA PA: "Attention Riders: Brown Line trains are currently running normally. We apologize for the inconvenience."

- Montrose Brown Line Station

-- Submitted by Brenda

You should check out the man-eating dragon sitting next to you.

Stoner: "Dude. I am so high right now, this bus is freaking me out."

- 173 Bus

-- Submitted by Kate

The future of America....again.

Girl #1: "Amy's not going to meet us. She had a gynecologist appointment."

Girl #2: "Gynecologist. What a funny word. Try to say that ten times fast."

Girl #1: "Gynecologist, gynecologist, gynecologist, gynecologist."

Girl #2: "Gynecologist."

Girl #1: "Hey! I should try to fit my hand in my mouth."

- Red Line

-- Submitted by Mahrya

This girl can't read. Or is into S/M.

Girl #1: "It's just so totally exciting."

Girl #2: "Yeah. It is. They're huge."

Girl #1: "It's going to be the best job ever."

Girl #2: "Your DREAM job."

Girl #1: "I can only hope it's as good as that Devil Wears Prada book."

- Red Line

-- Submitted by Jannette

I hate those cold Argentinian winters!

Girl #1 : "I think my sister is going to Argentina."

Girl #2: "Really? Isn't it going to be cold? She will freeze!"

Girl #1: "Huh? What are you talking about?"

Girl #2: "Isn't Argentina in Alaska?"

- Michigan and Wacker

-- Submitted by Ear

Updates Soon

It's been a hell of a morning.

They'll probably share it with you, anyway.

Pothead: "Dude! I held a pound of weed once for a guy. It was the most weed I had ever had, but it was for some serious dudes, so we didn't mess with the stuff"

- Brown Line

-- Submitted by Tina

But who will laugh at you when you come up empty?

Angry Wife: "Dammit Rob, I don't want to go to that party. We can go bobbing for apples at home!"

- Pier 1 on Broadway

-- Submitted by Maria

Being a guy officially rules.

(Flush)

Girl 1: "Ewww!"

Girl 2: "Did you get water in your butt?"

- Dominican U. washroom

-- Submitted by Liz