Zap! Pow! BANG!

Suit: (on cell) "No. You punch, then kick, then kick, then punch. If you don't do it in a rhythm, you'll end up dead. Yes, that would be bad."

- Hyde Park

-- Submitted by Maroon

Deep thoughts

Stoner #1: "I don't know. It's weird. I mean, do you think aliens have movies?"

Stoner #2: "Why not? You have to assume they're as technological as us, if not more."

Stoner #1: "Then do you think their movies about alien invasions has us coming to their planet blowing shit up and killing everything?"

Stoner #2: "That would be totally awesome. But if they're apes, then they would have like 'Planet of the Humans.'"

- Millenium Park

-- Submitted by Kaz

Full of bologna

Suit: (on cell) "Aww, come one, Rich. I was hoping to leave before the little flamer got here. He always looks at me like I'm a piece of lunch meat."

- Michigan Ave.

-- Submitted by Ralphie

It's too bright! My ahz! My ahz!!!!

Foriegn Woman: "What color are you ahz?"

Smart American Man: "Excuse me?"

Foriegn Woman: "What color your ahz?"

Smart American Man: "My ass?! It's the same color as the rest of me!"

Foriegn Woman: "Not your ass! Your AHZ!!!! AHZ!!!!"

- Water Tower Place

-- Submitted by Baby Blues

So she's hot?

Student: "So we get into this class and the program director starts talking. Then he finishes and this other manager starts talking. I figure one of thsoe is the instructor, but nooooo. Here comes this fat, greasy, slicked back, smelly woman who's supposed to be our teacher. She waddles to her chair, sits down, and starts talking blackboard and powerpoint and zip files. It's the first time I wished a guy was my teacher."

- Outside of Wright College

-- Submitted by Boyzzz

Legalization coming soon

Guy: "I can't work Saturday and have to find a sub."

Buddy: "Where are you goin'?"

Guy: "My cousin Neil is getting married."

Buddy: "Don't you have to go to Hawaii or Canada for that type of ceremony?"

- Green Line

-- Submitted by Raider

When hippies rule the media...

Man: "Universal Studios must get in tune with their inner child. They must get in tune with the evil aspects of their 'Id' which led to such crap television as Battlestar Galactica, Blind Date, Maury Povich and Monk. Then, and only then, can the true healing process begin."

- Denny's near O'Hare

-- Submitted by Andy F.

With a hint of low self esteem

Chick: "I hate the fact that he called me 'snobby.'"

Friend: "But you ARE!"

Chick: "Yeah, maybe a little."

- Outside of Neo on Clark and Fullerton

Land Lubber

Thug: "You swim?"

Abercrombie Swim Shorts Girl: (blank stare)

Thug: "STUPID BITCH!"

- Sheffield and Fullerton

-- Submitted by Cool-leen

Loving husband

Football Fan: "...are you in or not?"

Friend: "I don't think so, I just don't have the time."

Football Fan: "Time?! Dude, I'm in 21 fantasy leagues and I have 15 more to draft for. You MAKE time."

Friend: "I'd rather spend time with my wife."

Football Fan: "Forget that. For the next 6 months, my wife is dead to me. Football is my woman now."

- Metra

-- Submitted by Winter

George Washington rookie card! AWESOME!

Mom: "You're saving those baseball cards?"

Kid #1: "Yeah, they'll be really valuable later!"

Kid #2: "Why?"

Kid #1: "Old stuff is valuable. Like, if you have baseball cards from the eighteenth century, those are worth lots of money now."

- Old Orchard Barnes and Noble

-- Submitted by Jimmy

A cup is good, a bowl is life changing.

Woman: "...so I said forget it, the wedding is off. Now I just want some tortilla soup and a hug."

- Corner Bakery

-- Submitted by Eric

Melt away your pain

Guy: "Look, bro. If you're going to force yourself to choke on food, at least choke on an ice cube. That way, it's guaranteed to not kill you."

- Bennigan's Downtown

-- Submitted by Crease

And they spiked his brain in the endzone.

Football Kid #1: "Ray got hurt pretty bad, Dad."

Dad: "I'm sure he'll be fine, son."

Football Kid #1: "He was screaming when he fell."

Football Kid #2: "I think his leg got torn off and his guts were on the ground!"

- West Suburban Pee Wee Practice

-- Submitted by Go Bears!!!!

Go with the Chief.

Woman: (on cell) "Who do I have to talk to in order to get it done? A doctor? A lawyer? An Indian Chief? I'll do whatever I have to!"

- Skokie

-- Submitted by Raul

I think it's over.

Guy: (on cell) "Stop calling me, Lisa. I've told you to fuck off 100 times yet you still think there's something there. I don't know how to say fuck off any other way. Why don't you go ask your dad for some more money so you can buy stuff and then feel sorry for yourself. Bitch!"

- Red Line

-- Submitted by KC

He prefers fuzzy balls.

Guy: "Hey man. You want to go shoot some hoops?"

Buddy: "Nah. I'm meeting Jenny and we're going to go play some tennis."

Guy: "Tennis? JENNY?! What the hell happened to your penis?"

- Westmont

-- Submitted by Will

Wear shower shoes. And bring a bat.

Girl: "The showers are scary. I just feel like at any point, the shower could end up eating me alive."

- UIC Campus

-- Submitted by Jo

Good thing Bloomingdale's is cheap.

Girl #1: "Shopping has been hard! I need more new clothes for the year. Let's go after class."

Girl #2: "Okay. Where do you want to go?"

Girl #1: "Bloomingdale's?"

Girl #2: "Sure. Let's go. Want to grab lunch?"

Girl #1: "Naw. I can't afford to eat out."

- North Suburban High School

-- Submitted by Ralph

School's are back!

Girl: "Have you ever walked down the street and wanted to jump in front of a car?"

Friend: "God, no!"

Girl: "Oh..uh...me neither. Someone else asked me that before."

- Loyola

-- Submitted by Rambler