Friday, February 29, 2008

I hope Jen is turning 30 and not 10

Woman #1: "What are you going to do for Jen's birthday?"

Woman #2: "I don't know. I'm thinking Tilapia and Hi-C."

Woman #1: "The kids like Tilapia?"

Woman #2: "Well, Jen nixed the lobster idea, but we wanted to stick with seafood. Tilapia seemed like a quality choice."

- Bucktown

-- Submitted by Lovell

Whoever thought up that name wasn't very creative.

Guy #1: "...I need to get my supplements."

Guy #2: "What do you take?"

Guy #1: "Just some herbal stuff: cinnamon, ginko biloba, fish oils."

Guy #2: "What about HGH?"

Guy #1: "Yeah, idiot. I take herbal HGH. It grows off the 'you're a fucking retard' tree."

- LA Fitness, Roosevelt

-- Submitted by Justin

If you're buying Progresso, you're not getting their finest anything.

Girl: "If I buy three cans of soup here, I can make it at home."

Guy: "But I want the soup from the restaurant."

Girl: "Maybe we can bring it and have them cook it for us."

Guy: "Yeah. That'll be awesome. 'Excuse me, waiter. I'd like your finest steak, your finest wine, and, uh, could you heat up this Progresso for us?'"

- North Side Jewel

-- Submitted by Secret SHopper

Thursday, February 28, 2008

For who?

Guy: (on cell) "All I'm saying is that cranberry juice can fix it. Gout, eye infections, colds, stomach aches, nausea. It's the medicine of choice."

- Red Line

-- Submitted by Tal

It kind of has a tie in. Nazi.

Guy #1: "You ever seen 'The Departed,' Vince?"

Guy #2: "No. It's not Italian, so I don't watch it."

Guy #1: "What are you? Some kind of Jew?"

- Columbia College

-- Submitted by Haynes

1600 posts!

Guy #1: "What are you guys doing in here? Working out?"

Guy #2: (smile and nod)

Guy #1: "Are you guys doing slow work to get your core?"

Guy #2: (smile and nod)

Guy #1: "That's an awesome exercise. Working all kinds of muscles."

Guy #2: (smile and nod)

Guy #3: "He doesn't speak English dude."

Guy #1: "It's okay. Smiles are the universal language."

- Bally's, Morton Grove

-- Submitted by Adrian

Wednesday, February 27, 2008

If it were, it would be AWESOME.

Hipster: (to brake happy driver) "JEE-sus, man. This isn't Mr. Toad's Wild Fucking Ride!"

- 81 Larry Eastbound

-- Submitted by Spinner

What about 'Shallow Head?'

Guy #1: "Here's comes 'Over Make-up."

Guy #2: "That's not 'Over Make-up. It's 'Crinkle Nose.'"

Guy #1: "No it's not. 'Crinkle Nose' doesn't wear that much makeup."

Guy #2: "I think you're confusing her with 'Scrunchy Face.'"

- UIC Fitness Center

-- Submitted by Burger

It better not be your anniversary.

Guy: (on cell) "I need to find out if I'm married!"

- Cook County Office of Vital Statistics

-- Submitted by AJ

Monday, February 25, 2008


Guy #1: "There's nothing more humbling than buying a plunger and nothing else at the store."

Guy #2: "What about condoms?"

Guy #1: "What's worse, then: Buying condoms or buying a plunger?"

Guy #2: "I think if you buy a box of condoms and a plunger at the same time, with nothing else, you should wear some kind of costume or makeup to hide your true identity."

- West Side

-- Submitted by Deeg

I want that job.

Guy: "I hope your gaydar is on."

Girl: "It's always on."

Guy: "What do you think of him?"

Girl: "I don't know. It's possible."

Guy: "I thought you said the gaydar was on!"

Girl: "It must be on the fritz. I have technicians coming to fix it later."

- South Loop

-- Submitted by Carlton

Don't worry about coming in on Monday...

Girl: "I'm not in the mood to go to work tonite."

Guy: "Don't go."

Girl: "But I've called off, like, 50 times already."

Guy: "Then maybe work isn't in the mood for you to go to work tonite."

- Red Line

-- Submitted by Lala

Friday, February 22, 2008

Coincidence? I think not.

Bum: "Help is h-e-l-p. Hell is h-e-l-l. You see what they did? IThey only changed one letter!!!"

- Michigan Ave. Bridge crossine the Chicago River

-- Submitted by Dan

It's a valid question

Woman: "I'm not going to fight over which computer to use. I can use whichever one has a keyboard and a mouse."

Man: "What about a working screen?"


- North Side Office

-- Submitted by Teng

I bet my Stalin story trumps it.

Office dude: "Oh my god, I have GOT to tell you my Hitler story!"

- Loop Office

-- Submitted by One Cube Over

Thursday, February 21, 2008

Or he could, you know, not try and kill people

Student: "My dad carries a gun around because Michigan has concealed carry permits. He's always hoping someone will mess with him. Like, he'll purposefully drive through sketchy neighborhoods just to see."

- Loyola

-- Submitted by Andrew

Someone call Cartman.

Pregnant lady: "...and when the baby comes I already have lots of hemp clothes for her. And I'm buying totally organic baby food. All natural products."

Friend: "And then are you going to smoke a bowl with it, hippie?"

- Red Line

-- Submitted by Katierysz

Doesn't have much kick.

Man: (on cell) "Don't EVER tell that joke again. It was totally abysmal. Weak sauce."

- Orange Line

-- Submitted by Surge

Wednesday, February 20, 2008


Guy #1: "I think I'm a pirate."

Guy #2: "Why would you think that?"

Guy #1: "Because I love me some booty."

- South Loop Fitness Club

-- Submitted by Ray

He's a werewolf. Or Fergie.

Guy: (on cell) "And he was just standing there, shaving his forehead. No, he had shaving cream on it. And it was totally normal. Like he does it every day. He looked liked that yellow smiley face, except with white foam. And a razor."

- Red Line

-- Submitted by Carlos

There goes my line.

Guy #1: "It's Dave at hotmail dot com. And hot mail is spelled mail not male. People always ask me that."

Guy #2: "It's because you're an insecure douchebag."

Guy #1: "A HOT insecure douchebag."

- Loyola

-- Submitted by Ramblin' Man

Tuesday, February 19, 2008

Way to be grateful.

Woman #1: "I ordered a few pizzas for Saturday. I got one cheese, one veggie..."

Woman #2: "Where are they from?"

Woman #1: "Marchello's, I think."

Woman #2: "They better be. If I eat pizza from the same damn place again, I may lose my mind. Your walls will eat more pizza than I do."

- South Loop Fitness Club

-- Submitted by Neckbottle

No wonder there's no liquor...that's not in a brown bag.

Fellow Bus-stopper: "This ain't a limo bitch. This the bus."

- Loop

-- Submitted by Walker

It also takes the "bitch" edge off

Girl: " I take midol but then I drink a lot of caffeine to speed up the effect."

- DePaul

-- Submitted by What?

Monday, February 18, 2008

He's not frisky anymore

(Old couple walking by two dogs playing in the snow.)

Woman: "Why don't we play like that anymore?"

Man: (pause) "'Cause I'm not some fucking dog, Sheila."

- Grant Park

-- Submitted by Haynes


Kid: "That's not a girl, it's a boy. Do you even know who Michael Jackson is? He's the guy who used to be black, but changed to white. Jeez!"

- Second grade classroom on the North Side

-- Submitted by The Teacher

Finance 101

Woman: "Wait. I don't understand the whole insider trading thing."

Man: "Without going into detail, it's basically when someone has some information that isn't public and they use that information to their benefit on the stock market."

Woman: "So it's only with publicly traded companies?"

Man: "Privately held companies don't have stocks."

Woman: "So it's only on the stock market."

Man: "As opposed to trading people?"

- Red Line

-- Submitted by Amara

Friday, February 15, 2008

And less burning during urination

Girl: "I'm tired."

Guy: "Me, too. I had late rehearsal last night and I woke up with sore sinuses."

Girl: "Sore sinuses?"

Guy: "Nasal passage burning. Like chlamidya, but with snot."

- Sears Tower

-- Submitted by Cdylan

Hopefully for him.

Man: (on cell) "No, he just peed on himself, so I had to come to the store and buy new socks."

- Target, S. Canal Street

-- Submitted by Andrew


Kid: "Mom, are we going to crash?"

Mother: "We don't call it crashing honey. We call it an emergency landing."

- Plane out of Midway

-- Submitted by Alicja

Wednesday, February 13, 2008

Yeah. Not necesarily.

Culinary Student: "I'm just going to stand here and keep rolling my balls. Otherwise, they get all hard and crusty and that's not necessarily a good thing."

- Kendall College

-- Submitted by (another) Culinary Student

Brave it, my friend. And let me know if you need help.

Teenager: "I want to go to Victoria's Secret next. I know, I know. That's where the slutty girls go. But I really need a new bra."

- Water Tower Place

-- Submitted by Judy

It's like the Achy Breaky Heart dance, except dirty.

Girl #1: "What do you mean it was a rough night?"

Girl #2: "We did the Alabama Crab Dangle."

Girl #1: "And that is?"

Girl #2: "I don't want to talk about it..."

- Brown Line

-- Submitted by Jethro

Wednesday, February 06, 2008


I'll be in Vegas (hopefully, damn snow) until next Wednesday. Until then there probably won't be updates. See you guys in a week. Unless you're in Vegas. Where I'll see you later.

Back to conversations!!!

Did he talk about the food?

Guy: "I just remember in 4th grade, we came back from summer vacation and we had to tell the class what we did over break. Everyone talked about Disneyworld, pools, camps, that stuff. Except one kid. He told us that he went to Jenny Craig every week. His parents had convinced him that it was like camp, but didn't meet as often."

- South Loop

-- Submitted by Dave

Sad because it's true

Poll Worker: "Which ballot would you like?"

Girl: "I'll take the green one."

Poll Worker: "You'll be voting on the Green Party Ballot?!"

Girl: "Oh. No, I just thought green was a pretty color."

- Polling Place, Lincoln Square

-- Submitted by Rob

How did you NOT know the answer to that?

Guy #1: "Can I get one of his pubes?"

Guy #2: "Why?"

Guy #1: "So I can clone him and sleep with him."

- 22 Bus, Lincoln Park

-- Submitted by Mark

Tuesday, February 05, 2008

Stalk much?

Guy: (on cell) "If I see Dane Cook in an alley, I'm going to kick his ass. Doesn't have to be an alley, no. It could be a dark street, or a dark room, or, you know, anywhere dark. Because I don't want him to see me. Because I'm still a fan, that's why."

- Red Line

-- Submitted by Rey

Easily confused.

Girl: "Everytime I see a snake, I feel like screaming."

Guy: "How often do you see snakes?"

Girl: "All the time. They're everywhere."

Guy: "Are you sure you're talking about snakes and not office buildings?"

- Union Station

-- Submitted by Tanya


Guy #1: "Let's go see 'Wicked.'"

Guy #2: "That'd be so awesome."

Guy #1: "Would it be totally.....wicked?"

Guy #2: "You've been thinking of that all day haven't you?"

- Roosevelt and State

-- Submitted by Johnny D.

Monday, February 04, 2008

I'll take both for 2 million

Woman: "The million dollar question of the week: What hold's you up better, the love of God in your life or your wonderbra?"

- Elmwood Park Metra Stop

-- Submitted by Hoping to Age Gracefully

That's quite a comeback. Youch.

Guy: "I don't get it. How can you absolutely be sure that the light is off when you close the refrigerator door?"

Girl: "You're a retard."

Guy: "Yeah. This coming from the girl with four abortions."

- West Loop

-- Submitted by Ted

A sailboat is a scooner, stupidhead.

Cab Dispatcher: "They're at a yacht club. It's like a boat club."

- Cab on the North Side

-- Submitted by krowgoat