Happy Halloween Everyone!

Girl #1: "...so I just don't know."

Girl #2: "There are SO many choices!"

Girl #1: "Yeah! I could go as a bird, or a lion, or an elephant, or a monkey. A muppet or a cartoon character. My favorite TV star. I could even go as..."

Random Guy: "Why don't you go as a fat, loud mouthed bitch? Oh wait. Too late."

- Green Line

-- Submitted by Pumpkin

Eleventh Commandment: Thou shalt not eat ice cream.

Middle Aged Woman: "I feel less sinful eating sorbet."

- Jewel-Osco, Broadway and Addison

-- Submitted by The Devil

I voted for Kerry. He was pro-"change."

Bum: "Hey, can you help a vet out with some change?"

Guy: "Sorry, don't have any."

Bum: "Damnit! I'm getting sick of hearing that bullshit! They got to get Bush out of office. Nobody carries around any change anymore!"

- Marathon - Mile 26

-- Submitted by A Magician Named Spork

More accurate than the Weather Channel.

Young Guy: "I mean, it ain't like, 'God Damn! It's fucking cold out!' It's more like, 'Shit Nigga. It's kinda cold.'"

- Red Line

-- Submitted by Chance

Halloween Humor Part 1

Girl: "What are you supposed to be?"

Guy: "Go away."

Girl: "Come on. I don't feel like guessing anymore."

Guy: "Fine. I'm dressed as that guy who doesn't want to be at this lame ass party talking to stupid whores."

- Waukegan

-- Submitted by Frank N. Wolf

Halloween Humor Part 2

Girl: "What are you going to go as?"

Guy: "I went as a fairy princess last year. I think I'm going to do that again."

Girl: "Oh! That's a great idea! But how are you going to hide your...you know...man-thing?"

- UIC Circle Campus Center

-- Submitted by Lola

Halloween Humor Part 3

Cocky frat guy: "I'm going as a penis for halloween."

Girlfriend (sarcastically): "Yeah. I'm sure you'll be the biggest man on campus."

- Loyola

-- Submitted by Maria

Yes. Yes he is.

Drunk Girl (to 2-year-old boy in his dad's arms): "Hey there, little guy! Are you as drunk as I am?"

- Roosevelt Metra Station

-- Submitted by Bunny

Add OIC as a friend on Myspace.

Getting poor one beer at a time.

Girl: "I would be soo rich if I didn't go out all the time!"

- Wabash and Madison

-- Submitted by Barney

5 fugs at the same time?

Girl 1: "Ohmigod, I made out with like, 5 people last night!"

Girl 2: "Ohmigod, 6?"

Girl 3: "5?"

Girl 4: "Well, out of 5 guys at least one must've been cute!"

- Belmont L Platform

-- Submitted by R

Ink. Lubrication. Fix?

Dude: "No. The lock is friggin' broke, man. I can't fix it."

Genius: "Have you tried using a pen or something to rig it?"

Dude: "Yeah. I tried a pen. Right after the GOD DAMN KEY DIDN'T WORK. Idiot."

- Metra

-- Submitted by Terry

Must be psychic.

Girl: "That guy's crazy! I just saw his life flash before my eyes."

- State and Madison

-- Submitted by Starzero

40? 30 is when everything goes downhill!

Old Lady: "I talked to the lawyer in our building about keeping them from renting to 20 year old kids. I mean how do they afford living in our building or our area? i think they put their rent on a credit card. What's the limit on credit cards?"

Friend: "I don't know, I think it varies."

Old Lady: "Well I bet that's what they do. I bet they keep charging and charging and then can never pay it off."

Friend: "You think they'd pay it off to get ahead."

Old Lady: "Well that's kids for you. Our place was better when it had old people. Not old as in old, but old as in 40."

- 143 Bus

-- Submitted by Dizzy

Nope. Rental companies like losing money.

Out-of-towner: (on cell) "Yes. Hi. I can't seem to remember what car I was driving. I lost my parking ticket and need to know the license plate number. Yes, I have the rental agreement. Okay. Okay. Oh. The one that says car type and plate #. And you believe these to be correct?"

- Park One on Wabash and Congress

-- Submitted by Joan

Carefree times, my pitoot.

Kid #1: "One lil', two lil', three lil' indians."

Kid #2: "They're arabs, you moron."

- Lincoln Park

-- Submitted by dat ho

And the skies said "You're a moron!"

Guy: "I wasn't pregnant yesterday, but then I looked up at the clouds."

- State and Lake

-- Submitted by Special K

The head cheerleader, two years later.

Drunk Chick: "Anyyyy of you guys goin' to see The Frey? Well you guys allll suck!!! Hey, you! You were in my social psychology class, right? Yeah, I thought I knew you from that class. I never talked to anyone. I guess I'm not very social."

- Redline

-- Submitted by Displaced Southsider

But then you'd be eating them.

Dude: "Great. $23 to see roaches. I could go to a restaurant for that."

- Shedd Aquarium

-- Submitted by Jesse

I hope your shoes have a green card.

Girl: (on cell) "So like yeah, whatever mom. They're cool shoes. I got them before Nordstrom! My taxi shoes rock. MOOOM!! They're cool. Yes I said TAXI. But they don't look like I'm wearing a car on my feet."

- 143 Bus

-- Submitted by Dizzy

Girls NEVER pretend to be drunk. Ever.

"Drunk" College Girl: "Man, I'm so drunk I can't even read that Popeye's sign.

Friend: "You just did."

"Drunk" college girl: "Popeyeyeyeyeye's."

- Near Loyola University

-- Submitted by L

Great. Now it's freaking ruined!

Girl #1: "Boy, it's freezing out here!"

Girl #2: "I have a fireplace at my new apartment!"

Girl #1: "You should totally use it. You invite a cute boy over and cuddle with a nice glass of wine."

Girl #2: "No, I don't think I'm going to use it. It looks like there's been a fire in it."

- Michigan Ave.

-- Submitted by Nay Nay

Hi. I'm non-sequitur. Have we met?

Guy #1: "This is, like, a very European store."

Guy #2: "I blame catwoman."

- Ikea, Schaumburg

-- Submitted by Ellen

Happy Ending! HAPPY ENDING!

Woman #1: "What are you thinking of being for Halloween?"

Woman #2: "I don't know, my husband's so picky about everything. One year I was a geisha and he was a samurai. I'm thinking of doing that again."

Woman #1: "Why not? Everybody loves a geisha!"

- Lakeview

-- Submitted by Angry Little Asian Girl

Because you're an idiot.

Girl: (looking at Sears Tower) "Why is the top of the Eiffel Tower pink?"

- UIC

-- Submitted by Molly

Wrong. Just wrong.

Woman #1: "Are you going to go?"

Woman #2: "I don't know. They told me to bring the sexiest guy I know."

Woman #1: "So?"

Woman #2: "The only guy I can think of bringing is my brother. He's pretty damn sexy."

- Aon Center Elevator

-- Submitted by MoMo

I don't know. Planned Parenthood?

Woman: "The guys here are SO nice. I mean, where else could you buy a pregnancy test and the next day they ask you if it was positive of negative?"

- Park Place Market

-- Submitted by (the aptly named) Park Place Resident

I'm glad we had this talk, son.

Little Boy: "You mean I used to be a sperm?"

Dad: "Yep."

Little Boy: "And I raced all the other sperms?"

Dad: "That's right."

Little Boy: "And I won the race!"

- Museum of Science and Industry

-- Submitted by L

Must be Nickelodeon Slime.

Girl: "Eww did you get it on me?"

Girl: "You did! I can feel it! Its all oozy and disgusting!"

Girl: "Do you think it has AIDS?"

- Loyola Dorms

-- Submitted by Mute

Awww. You're cute. And stupid.

Girl: "So, like what's your professionalism?"

Guy: "What do you mean?"

Girl: "Oh, I just meant like what's your job?"

Girl: "I'm actually a good cook."

Guy: "Really?"

Girl: "Yeah, I've cooked for many a..uh..many a...um..."

Guy: "Person?"

Girl: "YEAH! Like, people."

- Brown Line

-- Submitted by Erin

I guess wings are the only thing Red Bull gives you.

Guy: (on cell) "I'm sorry I did not last very long last night. Usually when I have a Red Bull I have a lot more endurance. What do you mean it was a mistake?"

- 77 Bus, Belmont

-- Submitted by JD

Yup. I'm sure she looked exactly the same when it was written.

Girl: "That's probably who Baby Got Back was written about."

- Western Ave.

-- Submitted by Yelena

Most romantic 10 minutes of her life.

Girl: (on cell) "So we were sitting there, near the tent, and he tries to put his arm around me. I'm like, 'Hello! We broke up.' So he tells me it's just to warm me up. Ten minutes later, we're having sex. I bet you he just took me camping to get laid. (pause) Well, yeah. Probably 10 times."

- Green Line

-- Submitted by Boku

Don't forget to check out the shop and the myspace page!!!

Indentured Servititude or Slavery? YOU Decide.

Businessman: "So my company had this guy interning this summer. Number one student in China out of 500 kids in his Beijing University. Anyway, he is in Chicago now, getting his PhD at U Chicago. We can use his services anytime. Just buy him a cup of coffee and he is ours."

- Purple Line

-- Submitted by Rita

Drunk guy = funny

(On red line during a stop)

Drunk dude: (wakes up panicked) "THE TRAIN! SHE RUN OUTTA GAS!"

- Red Line - Armitage

-- Submitted by Brett

Than 'downtown' part was just a joke.

Girl: "So where are you guys going tonight?"

Guy: "Some bars downtown. Maybe Wrigleyville."

Girl: "Wow. Why go all the way out to Wrigleyville? That suburb is so far!"

- Blue Line

-- Submitted by Sully

They're nipping crime in the bud.

Guy: "What kind of police academy failure do you have to be to get relegated to Forest Preserve Police Officer?"

Girl: "What do they do all day?"

Guy: "They try to stop tree on tree violence."

- Skokie Forest Preserve

-- Submitted by Zion

Would you prefer Dennis Hastert?

Professor: "I don't want to die choking on Donald Rumsfeld!"

- Chicago-Kent Legal Writing Class

-- Submitted by Julz

What's the female version of 'complete and total idiot.'

Guy: "I'm looking for the female version of the word 'phallic.'"

Girl: "It's 'vulvic' isn't it?"

- Green Eye

-- Submitted by Chris

Newsflash: It happens anyway

Girl: "I don't know, these pants look too tight and my ass looks huge. I don't want a bunch of 15 and 16-year olds fantasizing about their teacher."

- Forever 21

-- Submitted by Lindsay

And the mind of a jester.

Woman #1: "We gettin' out of here. NOW!"

Woman #2: "I want breakfast!"

Woman #1: "We ain't buyin' no food from no liars."

Woman #2: "What?"

Woman #1: "They sayin' this free sample is strawberry cream cheese and it ain't! It's definitely raspberry. You can't fool me. I have the tongue of a queen."

- Panera on Congress Parkway

-- Submitted by Julie

Don't forget to check out the OIC MySpace page. Less lameness, coming soon.

Heaven has a lot of traffic. And corn.

Guy: (on cell) "Israel is Babylon and the United States is Heaven and they can't get in! Israel is Babylon! Holy Shit!"

- Redline

-- Submitted by Elora

Baffling.

Hysterical Woman: "I ain't no ho! I ain't no drug addict! I had kids! The reason I had more kids is cuz they came and took my kids away from me!"

- Outside of Ann Sather's on Belmont

-- Submitted by Grace

Eliteracy iz nu skool.

Mom: "Here, read this."

Son: (Swipes it away.) "Mo-om! Books are old-school!"

- Chicago Public Library

-- Submitted by R

Smell that? Because it smells like stupid.

Girl: (on cell) "...and I've been feeling really stupid lately. I can't hold on to anything. I can't remember anything. It's like I get dumber by the day. Is there such a thing as adult onset Down's Syndrome?"

- Purple Line

-- Submitted by Kylie

Interesting because of the stubble?

Girl: "All of the women here are really interesting looking."

Flamboyant Man: "Sweetie, that's because most of them are men."

- Boystown

-- Submitted by David

Only after magic dust is sprinkled on them so they can get their wings.

Frat boy #1: "Hey man, where'd all the clouds go?"

Frat boy #2: (most earnestly) "I think they disintegrated."

Frat boy #3: (Pointing to the horizon) "You assholes. They're right over there. Clouds MOVE."

Frat boy #1: "Clouds move?"

- Lincoln Park near the lake

-- Submitted by Erin

No. Way.

Girl: "She had two vaginas, but one was a false one."

- Loyola Lake Shore Campus

-- Submitted by Kiwi Tom

By placenta, I hope she means flowers.

Woman: "Come on! We've been invited to bury the placenta in the backyard."

- Logan Square

-- Submitted by Olivia

It's still funny in 2006.

(Valet slips on a banana peel)

Passerby: "Dude! That's SOO 1920's!"

- Southport and Fullerton

-- Submitted by Mel

To his defense, they both have ghosts.

Passenger #1: "Oh look, there's another nice golf course."

Passenger #2: "Dude, that's a cemetary."

- Southwest flight over Chicago

-- Submitted by Melime

1985 WORLD CHAMPS!!! WOOOOOOOOOO!!!!

Man in Payton Jersey: "You Seattle fans are idiots! Stop living in
the past, man!"

- Soldier Field after the Seattle game

-- Submitted by Cris

Good thing. You don't want a black eye.

Lady: "No man has ever hit me; I've been choked and shot at, but a man has never hit me!"

- Western Bus

-- Submitted by Sarah

Hey Guys and Gals. Don't forget to visit the store and get some cool stuff.

Especially when you eat it.

Woman: "It's just like the one you eat, only the taste is different..."

- Miska's

-- Submitted by Maruska

DAMN YOU UNREALISTIC BARBIE!!!

Girl: (on cell) "I really don't want to talk right now. I just had a really, really terrible thing happen to me at H&M. No, it was just that I couldn't find anything I wanted to buy because nothing looked good on me, and then I started to have body issues."

- Chicago and Wabash

-- Submitted by Simone

The new Father of Philosophy.

Suit #1: "You are so lucky! Next time, he will KILL you. Rip your head off and KILL you."

Suit #2: "Yeah, you don't do that to the big cheese, man."

Suit #3: "Eh. Life's too short to live long."

- 900 N. Michigan

-- Submitted by Miles

Pretty much.

Girl #1: "Did you tell him you bought a dress for homecoming?"

Girl #2: "Yeah, but he didn't care at all."

Girl #1: "That's because he has a penis."

- Metra

-- Submitted by JW

I have no idea what this means. I must be getting old.

Boy #1: "Aw, man! Shut up! Your Dad drives a taxi for a living."

Boy #2: "Yeah? Well, my Momma told yo’ Momma not to use that relaxer on her head when she was pregnant, and now look at you!"

- McDonalds on Clark and Drummond

-- Submitted by Jennifer

The wonderful world of dads.

Young Kid: "Daddy? What do they do if someone doesn't pay?"

Dad: "The driver will kick him."

Young Kid: "Really?"

Dad: "Well, no. The driver will pick him up and shove him out the window."

- 56 Milwaukee Bus

-- Submitted by BusRider

Wait. What is she?

Guy: "Hey! YOU! You're dressed like a whore! Whore, whore, whore, whore, slutty whore, whore. You're a whorey, whorey whore! DAMN KIDS ALL LOOK LIKE WHORES! Whore!"

- Ohio Street

-- Submitted by Brian

Which he'll use to stop the damn bus.

(Bus driver passes requested stop)

Guy: "Winchester! Excuse me, WINCHESTER!"

Wannabe Cowboy: "Now that's a damned good rifle."

- 78 Montrose Bus

-- Submitted by Shane

Hi. I'm TiVo. Have we met?

Woman: "I"m going to miss Gray's Anatomy this week. I totally hate myself."

- Brown Line

-- Submitted by Eeeeevon

Didn't these terms die in the 80's?

Teen: "Get off me you Yuppie!"

Guy: "I'm not a Yuppie."

Teen: "Yeah, sure."

Guy: "I'm a Yuffie, kid."

Teen: "Yuffie?"

Guy: "Young Urban Fisherman."

- Brown Line

-- Submitted by Eavesdropper

Role reversal.

Girl: (screaming after guy bumps into her) "I just touched your boobs! They were great!"

- Wrigleyville

-- Submitted by Big Mama

Who can resist a banjo?

Man: "So I was in my underwear and the banjo was just sitting there, so I said to myself, what the heck, I might as well play it."

- Viaduct Theater

-- Submitted by Spiff

Saved from embarrasment.

Wendy's Employee: "I apologize but our Credit card machine is down, so it is cash only."

Wendy's Customer: "That's OK, I got bad credit anyway."

- Wendy's on Clark and Madison

-- Submitted by 10withamop

Then you must be a CEO.

Businesswoman: "You tell my husband I am a BUSINESSWOMAN. I can buy my OWN sequins."

- Ashland Ave

-- Submitted by Spiff

Yeah. Funny.

(Two girls watching elevator "news" screen)

Girl #1: "When I think of islands, I think of Hawaii!"

Girl #2: "Me too! What's funny is that they're 5 hours behind us, but it take 8 hours to fly there."

- Aon Center

-- Submitted by Stagalicious

You have Saturday and Sunday...sometimes.

New Businessman: "So I woke up at 5AM, showered, ate breakfast, got dressed, grabbed my briefcase and drove to the train station. I parked, got on the train, rode an hour downtown, and herded off the train with the rest of the cattle at Union Station. Walked in to work, said hi to my secretary, sat down and did what amounted to 8 hours of busy work. Left work at 5PM, herded back on the train, rode an hour home, got in my car, drove to my house, and didn't want to do anything but veg out and eat my macaroni and cheese. This is going to be the next 40 plus year of my life? FUCK my college degree."

- Metra/BNSF Line

-- Submitted by Cooper

Will buying a shirt or a hat really kill you? What if I started a design contest where the winner got a free shirt or something? Drop a comment and let me know if you'd be interested.

Idiot.

Girl: "Honey, look, they have free weefee! I want to try some weefee with my coffee."

Guy: "Babe, it's WiFi."

Girl: "Ok, FINE! I want to try some WiFi with my coffee."

- The Grind in Lincoln Square

-- Submitted by Dima

Drugs don't kill people. Drug dealers kill people.

Purple Robed Lady: "You're gonna get someone killed with your damn drug selling!"

- Damen and Warren

-- Submitted by dmb

They say being straightforward is what women want.

Suave Man: "Would you like some of my McDonalds?"

Woman: "No."

Suave Man: "How 'bout some of my Coke?"

Woman: "I said, no.

Suave Man: "OK, how about you sit on my dick?"

- Wilson and Sheridan

-- Submitted by Miles

It IS kind of awesome.

Jewish Guy: "No, man. It's perfect. You guys have to go confess and do Hail Mary's and rosary's and all kinds of crazy stuff every time you make a mistake. Jews? We sin and sin and sin, and then BAM! We're absolved in one day. It's awesome being one of the Chosen."

- Purple Line

-- Submitted by Harry

Why not buy a shirt or a mug so my 1 year old can get some warm clothes for the winter?

Perfect reason.

Woman #1: "Why is she staring at us?!"

Woman #2: "She went to detox! She can't stare at us!"

- Baja Fresh on N. Michigan

-- Submitted by curious

I'm sorry. What sorority did you say you were a part of?

Girl: "I'm just so sick and tired of playing musical hookups! I just want to settle down and end up in my bed every night."

- Redline

-- Submitted by Bluebum

Socrates? Is that you?

Guy #1: "I don't be looking at 'em. I just be looking at 'em."

Guy #2: "Right, right."

- 55th and Peoria

-- Submitted by Lou

Good point. Too bad your friend is an idiot.

Suit #1: "It's all about happiness, man. Think about it. You only have twenty four hours in a day. Sleep takes up 1/3 of that. Work takes up another 1/3. Throw in travel time and you now only have 6 hours a day do what you want. Figure an hour for dinner and you're down to five. If you aren't truly happy at home, nothing really matters workwise."

Suit #2: "Even if you're making millions? Because, I've gotta tell you, that makes me pretty happy."

Suit #1: "You're sad."

- Outside of City Hall

-- Submitted by Don

Better than "crappy."

Student: "I'm fermenting blueberries and blackberries. They smell so fermenty."

- Loyola Cafeteria

-- Submitted by conezone

Do NOT belittle Chicago's beer.

Dude: (on cell) "Let's get Old Style. That way no one will drink it."

- Daley Center

-- Submitted by Lonewolf

Nothing like arm candy.

Dude: "She could be sweet funny and intelligent, but if I can't take her to a party for three hours and leave her alone, that's a problem."

- Blue Line - Logan Square

-- Submitted by Darkling