Does the husband count as one?

Woman: "One baby is an accessory. Two is a family."

- Damen and Division

-- Submitted by CLSB

(Seriously. Anyone who can help me with some webpage stuff, drop me a line. Pretty please?)

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At least he's waiting.

Woman: "...and when I talked to the doctor, she said I might be pregnant. What are we gonna do?"

Man: "Take a pregnancy test."

Woman: "And if it's...."

Man: "Shhhh....The pregnancy test will determine whether or not I will continually punch you in the stomach."

- Grant Park

-- Submitted by Jerry

Obviously. There is no shopping cart.

Woman: "Is that another bum over there?"

Man: "No. That's just a trash can."

- North Avenue Beach

-- Submitted Brian

Lucky he didn't fill half a thimble.

Guy in suit: "Can I get a dollar's worth of coffee?"

Barista: "Sir. We don't sell a dollar's worth of coffee."

Guy in suit: "Can you just give me a couple of squirts?"

(Barista fills a half a cup of coffee and the man tries to pay a dollar)

Barista: "Just put it in the tip jar."

- Starbuck's, LaSalle and Washington

-- Submitted by Danielle

(If anyone knows how to design webpages and wants to help me out, please contact me via the submission form!)

Everything comes out looking dirty.

Guy #1 on bike: "My body is a laundromat!"

Guy #2 on bike: "Your body is a laundromat?!?"

- Belmont and Halsted

-- Submitted by Julia Gulia

Everything comes out looking dirty.

Guy #1 on bike: "My body is a laundromat!"

Guy #2 on bike: "Your body is a laundromat?!?"

- Belmont and Halsted

-- Submitted by Julia Gulia

While they laugh right back.

Older guy: (on cell) "...Yeah. With that shirt with white stripes and that white hat. You put that on, sit back, and laugh at the world."

- Nordstrom Rack on State

-- Submitted by Flip-Flop

Can't go without the extra spittle.

Guy: "He's a close talker, but he has no inside voice. It's like he constantly shouts at you. With extra spittle."

- Evanston Northwestern Hospital

-- Submitted by Nurse

Flying off the handle?

Woman: (on office phone) "Yeah, Marcie. I asked him the outfit looked good on me and he said no. Why would he say no? I could put on paisley with a polka dot hat and pull it off. God I wish annulments and divorces were cheaper."

- Downtown Office

-- Submitted by Karey

That garners the wrong attention.

Girl: "Why is your zipper down?"

Guy: "I was trolling."

- Gamekeepers

-- Submitted by Terry

Yes. Like Panda bears.

Mother: "Michael! You get back here right now!"

(Son walks towards her, dejected)

Mother: "I am sick and tired of you throwing rocks around. Can't you throw something soft that doesn't break things?!"

Son: "Like panda bears?"

- North Avenue Beach

-- Submitted by Tanner

It definitely has to match the rest of the douche-fit.

Guy #1: "What are you going to wear to the party?"

Guy #2: "I don't know. Jeans and a polo probably."

Guy #1: "What about the hat?"

Guy #2: "It's still under consideration."

- Northwestern University

-- Submitted by Turbo

She's not cheating, right?

Guy: (on cell) "...all I'm saying is that if you're going to work out, wear underwear. Yeah, but I've seen it before. I'm sure the trainer enjoyed seeing it, but we're still married, Elise."

- Green Line

-- Submitted by Chad

It just pizza, but fattier.

Tourist: "Well I have no idea what a pizza puff is. It must be, like, a muffin or something."

- Chicago Carry-out, Wabash and Harrison

-- Submitted by Zachary

Or married to one.

Guy #1: "What does your wife do?"

Guy #2: "Works."

Guy #1: "Doing what?"

Guy #2: "None of your god damn business, asshole."

Guy #1: "She must be a lawyer."

- Blue Line

-- Submitted by Javy

You can be bald at 15?

Girl: (on cell) "Let's just recount that the funniest part of the day is that one guy's hickey. It's never good to be balding and have one of those."

- Red Line

-- Submitted by Red Head

Which one? WHICH ONE?

Girl: (on cell) "How did it go? Well, did you have fun? Wait. Joe, did you say she was a loser or that she was too loose? Seriously? How do you know?!"

- Purple Line

-- Submitted by Kyle

As opposed to that fake day.

Bum: "Everyone is always worried about Friday then 13th. Friday the 13th this, Friday the 13th that. Let me tell you something, brotha. I'm worried about Wednesday the 8th. That's when the REAL shit hits the fan."

- Outside Union Station

-- Submitted by Rider

Hot or funny?

Guy: (on cell) "Would you think less of me if I told you Dane Cook was hot? Er...Justin Timberlake then?"

- Little Italy

-- Submitted by Mateo

Sounds dangerous.

Girl: (on cell) "Chris, you don't understand. Hang-gliding is dangerous. I mean, what if your parachute didn't open and you died? What if you broke your ankle?!"

- Red Line

-- Submitted by Brazenlizy