Tuesday, June 30, 2009


Guy #1: "You want to come play some video games later this week?"

Guy #2: "Will your wife be there for me to stare at?"

- Grant Park

-- Submitted by Ali

Shot down. Hard.

Guy: "It's just so great to see you again."

Girl: "Yeah. It's been a long time since you've hit on me."

Guy: "We can skip straight to the pre-breakfast part, you know."

Girl: "You mean me waking up in my bed, in my house, by myself?"

Guy: "Before that?"

Girl: "This IS before that."

- Fransesca's, Bryn Mawr

-- Submitted by Leon

Point, counter-point. Kinda.

Guy #1: "There are just no jobs out there."

Guy #2: "Do you ever think it's your general malaise and lack of drive that makes you unemployable?"

Guy #1: "No. I really think it's just a market thing. I just have to wait it out and something will come."

- Lincoln Park

-- Submitted by JJ

Monday, June 29, 2009

And the sludge. And the mobsters.

Guy: "The water in the lake is so clear you can see all the way down to the bottom."

Girl: "Where the garbage is?"

- Hyde Park Art Center

-- Submitted by Crystal

Pushing the buttons, though, is another thing.

Woman: (on cell) "My kids can put a hot dog in the microwave. They KNOW how to feed themselves."

- #36 Broadway bus

-- Submitted by Milhouse

If there's grass on the field, but it's muddy...forget it.

Girl: "I only do anal because sex before marriage is wrong. I'm a Christain!"

Guy: "And what does the Bible have to say about Sodomy before Marriage?"

Girl: "Why would anyone put sod on me?"

- Andersonville

-- Submitted by mcfarlandwrites

Wednesday, June 24, 2009

Try the zoo...for idiots.

Girl: "Is there anywhere I can go in Chicago where I can hug a Panda?"

Guy: "Those things are kinda fierce."

Girl: "They've never been hugged by me before. They'll chill."

- Grant Park

-- Submitted by Drizzle

Jump in the deep end.

Guy #1: "It's so freaking hot out! When is fall coming?"

Guy #2: "Didn't you just ask for summer three days ago when it was 60 and rainy?"

Guy #1: "But I didn't want summer to be THIS hot. Just kinda hot."

Guy #2: "You're 'kinda' the biggest attention grabbing turd I know."

- DePaul

-- Submitted by Lexus

Some guys don't need it.

Girl: "Why would a guy be interested in a mermaid? She doesn't have a snatch."

- Red Line

-- Submitted by HJ1000

Tuesday, June 23, 2009

Not like your brain is busy.

Girl: "I like giant, salted pretzels."

Guy: "Right."

Girl: "Except I hate giant unsalted pretzels. And I don't like the taste of just the salt without the pretzels."

Guy: "Okay."

Girl: "Why can't my face stop playing these games with my brain?!"

- Northwestern

-- Submitted by Yumpers

Ace-hole in deed.

Guy: (on cell) "You have the ace in the hole, man. All you have to tell her is that your mom slept with her brother. How do you lose that argument?"

- Lincoln Park

-- Submitted by Jimbo

No where to be found.

Train Rider: "We had to watch this movie about prostitution. It was supposed to be all tragic and everything, but it wasn't tragic at all. I kept waiting, like 'Okay, where's the tragic part?'"

- Red Line

-- Submitted by Diane

Thursday, June 18, 2009

That's only one optio...oooooh.

Guy: "Your two options are both shutting up!"

- North Ave Beach

-- Submitted by Confused

Good thing he's not a butt man.

Guy: "I've always loved the feet of a baby. So pure, soft, and supple; plus they're always a bit stinky."

-Whole Foods Sauganash

-- Submitted by Joe

So you got the tickets for free?

Guy: "Nothing like two crappy teams playing a meaningless series to show how patheticly ridiculous this town is when it comes to baseball."

- Wrigley Field

-- Submitted by Clark Kent

Wednesday, June 17, 2009

Definitely one way to look at it.

Guy: "If you don't have any baggage at this point in your life, you must not be any good."

- Durkins

-- Submitted by EI

Thankfully, no.

Guy: (on cell) "It's just that the viagra emails hit really close to home, you know?"

- Red Line

-- Submitted by Carlos

Must be a leader of the group.

Odd looker: "I'm so goth, I wear fuschia."

- #22 Clark bus

-- Submitted by Michael

Monday, June 15, 2009

Good support system, pal.

Guy: "I need more attention."

Girl: "Like emotional or physical?"

Guy: "Both."

Girl: "Well, stop begging and being a tool and maybe you'll get it."

- Union Station

-- Submitted by Chen

Yes we do, JERK!

Gir: (blowing her nose)

Woman: "Oh, do you have a cold?"

Girl: "No, my date is an ass."

Woman: "Well, they don't get any better when you marry them, honey."

- West Side

-- Submitted by EI

No one's ever been there.

Girl: "What's the address again?"

Guy: (gives her an address)

Girl: "Ok, but wh-"

Guy: "Unless you meant the address to my pants."

- Niles

-- Submitted by JoJo

Friday, June 12, 2009

The environment thanks you. The other guys, not so much.

Guy: "Usually when my pee is clear I just don't flush the toilet."

- Northwestern University

-- Submitted by Dan

Until he opens the next bag.

Girl: (on phone) "Honestly, Jim. I don't like when you force me to eat M&M's. It's like you're controlling me with sweet, delicious chocolate and I can't stand it anymore!"

- Little Italy

-- Submitted by Connie

He thanks you for that comment.

Guy: "I mean, his penis was just so apparent!"

- Red Line

-- Submitted by George

Thursday, June 11, 2009

They're non-toxic. Sometimes.

Girl: "I'm looking for work, okay?"

Guy: "What's on the horizon?"

Girl: "Well, I'm thinking about taking a bunch of online surveys."

Guy: "For cash?"

Girl: "No. For points. But I can trade in the points for purses and stuff."

Guy: "Are purses edible?"

- Lincoln Park

-- Submitted by Apple

Lifestyle cheats.

Guy #1: "How'd you lose so much weight?"

Guy #2: "I went vegan."

Guy #1: "So you only eat vegetables?"

Guy #2: "Yeah. And the occasional surf and turf. Those are my cheat meals."

- North Side

-- Submitted by Grisssssly Bear

Better than a four year old speed.

Guy: "My dog is so friendly. He'll jump right up in your face. He's like a two year old on crack."

- Benedictine University

-- Submitted by Lou

Tuesday, June 09, 2009


Dad: "Look at those cute hot dogs!"

Little Girl: "Daddy? THAT'S what hot dogs are make of?"

- Humboldt Park

-- Submitted by Jeremiah

How'd you get in the elephant?

Girl: "Sitting in a lounge chair is so comfortable. It's just so cushy. It's like sitting inside of a giant elephant."

- Hookah Lounge, North Suburbs

-- Submitted by Jenae

I'd prefer A.C. Slater, pre-"the rest of his life."

Guy: "My whole life has been like a bad TV show."

Girl: "Like Saved by the Bell bad?"

Guy: "Woman! You are NEVER to tarnish Saved by the Bell again! I would give a billion dollars to trade lives with Zack Morris."

- Northwestern

-- Submitted by Vernon

Monday, June 08, 2009

Because they both usually end without a satisfactory result?

Girl: "I'm on my new summer diet. Healthy breakfast, good lunch, then drink my dinner. I lost 15 pounds last year doing this."

Guy: "That's not a diet; that's LIFE!"

- Mad River

-- Submitted by Edie

Shoot for the stars, kid.

Guy: (on cell) "...but I've gotten rejected so many times, asking is no big deal. One day, a girl who isn't high is going to say yes."

- Green Line

-- Submitted by Amy

The same way they 'accidently' have sex?

Woman: "How does somebody 'accidentally' eat poo?"

- Strack & Van Til

-- Submitted by Spinner