Giving back to the community that gives to you.

Bum: "Hey yo, Mister. Can you spare a cigarette?"

Guy: "I'm sorry. I don't have one."

Bum: "A'ight, that's ok man. But since you with your lady and all, you got a little crust up in yo' eye."

- Art Institute

-- Submitted by Katy

Apparently it was hibernating during the winter.

Guy #1: "She's a bit below your league, huh?"

Guy #2: "What can I say? It's spring and my penis is desperate for attention."

- Smartbar

-- Submitted by James

So it'd be a stinky fire.

Girl #1: "I heard that fertilizer can cause house fires though. Like people souldn't keep it in their garages and stuff."

Girl #2: "Well it IS manure, so..."

- Downtown Elevator

-- Submitted by Mason

Hopefully, he's a college student who still wears smocks.

Guy: (on cell) "You let him wear my Tecate shirt to school as a smock?! He doesn't even like that beer!"

- Blue Line

-- Submitted by Renaldo

Hopefully, he's a college student who still wears smocks.

Guy: (on cell) "You let him wear my Tecate shirt to school as a smock?! He doesn't even like that beer!"

- Blue Line

-- Submitted by Renaldo

Ouch.

Girl: "Oh my GOD do I want to rip out his septum!"

- Southport

-- Submitted by Jenson

Soooo...she's just a girl who has a problem?

Guy #1: "Why does she rhyme everything?"

Guy #2: "Because she's like Eminem. With boobs. And no talent."

- DePaul

-- Submitted by Nathan

It's the little things...in the big things.

Guy #1: "...and I think I need to lose 60 pounds. Or at least convert some weight into muscle."

Guy #2: "Well, what's your motivation? What's driving this decision?"

Guy #1: "To be honest, I just want to see what my belly button looks like."

- XSport, South Loop

-- Submitted by Treego

Mother Nature: Beating people down since the dawn of time.

Girl #1: "It's too hot."

Girl #2: "You've been saying you want the hot weather for the past 6 months."

Girl #1: "Right. But going from 40 to 80 in 2 days doesn't give my body enough ramp up time. I need my body to collect the rays instead of having nature beat the life out of me with them."

Girl #2: "You need stronger sunblock and less tanning."

- Northwestern

-- Submitted by Clyde

He's offering solutions....

Guy: (on cell) "No, sir. I try to pay my bill online, but your system won't let me set up an account. I've sent a paper check but it gets returned because there's no bill stub to go with it. I'm trying to pay my bill, but it's like you guys won't let me. No, I won't take a trip to New York to pay in person!"



- Equitable Building



-- Submitted by Newsy

I'd love to work for Mr. Dumass

Guy #1: "Negativity spreads like a cancer."

Guy #2: "What if the negativity stems from leadership?"

Guy #1: "Then it's obviously prostate cancer."

- Mercantile Exchange

-- Submitted by Limey

Rent is OBVIOUSLY the problem.

Guy: (on cell) "No. I need a raise because I can't afford to pay my rent and I'm in debt up to my eyeballs. Which game? Game 2? How much are the tickets? Yeah. I'll go."

- Red Line

-- Submitted by Chad

It's not crazy. It's prosyletizing.

Girl #1: "What's the name of those anti-abortion people? You know. The crazy ones."

Girl #2: "Christians?"

- Westfield, Old Orchard

-- Submitted by Snuh

Technical Difficulties

I'm having some issues with the form and some other nagging stuff with the site. Posts will be back shortly.

Legit faking.

Guy #1: "We moved everything in the office and tidied it up. Got it sparkling."

Guy #2: "So you can use it as an office and not a storage room?"

Guy #1: "Yeah. We can be productive in there now. Like, actually pretend to do actual work."

- Skokie

-- Submitted by Alexia

KFC's CEO?

Guy: (on cell) "I want to advertise there, but I think too many people would see it. It'd be in plain sight."

- Orange Line

-- Submitted by Tim

B-E-A-T-I-N-G-S

Guy: "I was applying for a security position and they asked me to spell words. Why do I need to know how to do that?"

- Division Bus

-- Submitted by Robby

Mmmm...pickled tink...

Guy: "...I'm absotutely pickled tink!"

Girl: "No girlfriend, huh?"

Guy: "Nope."

Girl: "Shocking."

- Millennium Park

-- Submitted by Vefra

And you wonder why men are confused?

Girl #1: "I need to get picked up tonight. Not laid, but picked up."

Girl #2: "What's the point of getting picked up and not laid? And you need to be sluttier, but not too slutty."

- Northwestern

-- Submitted by Ree-nee

Why aren't you yelling at them, then?

Guy: (on cell) "If they're going to get mad about emails I'm sending, why do they keep answering them? All I'm doing is gathering information. I didn't ask for their second-born child or anything. Passive-aggressive assholes."

- Red Line

-- Submitted by Koby

Or is it anti-dirt?

Guy #1: "My artisitic goal is to create an 'anti-garden.'"

Guy #2: "Like something full of weeds and stuff?"

Guy #1: "No. Something that's the opposite of a garden's original intent."

Guy #2: "So you basically want to create dirt."

- Art Institute

-- Submitted by Laddy

Unless you're bipolar.

Woman: (on cell) “Jimmy, let me put it like this: You can’t use the bi-polar thing as an excuse.”

- Green Line

-- Submitted by Tom

They always promoted SAFE whore sex, people.

Girl #1: "...but if this were Sex and The City, it would be super awesome by now."

Girl #2: "If this was Sex and The City, you'd have AIDS by now."

- Columbia College

-- Submitted by Sistain

Communication is the...oh wait.

Guy: "It'd be awesome if you had a twin."

Girl: "Because one of me isn't good enough?"

Guy: "Right. And we could have a kinky threesome."

Girl: "She'd be my sister!"

Guy: "I know, right? So awesome."

- Grant Park

-- Submitted by Colombiana

You can take it ON the bus, but you can't TAKE IT on the bus.

Girl: (on Cell) "YOU CAN'T TAKE ECSTASY ON A BUS!!"

- Lake Forest

-- Submitted by Flabergasted

He's trying to tell you something.

Hipster #1: "All my Facebook friend are here!"

Hipster #2: "All I see are gays and hipsters."

- Metro

-- Submitted by Striker

Who needs air there, anyway?

Guy #1: "It's just the massively high tree pollen. It makes me super tired."

Guy #2: "Have you tried talking it out with the trees? Reaching some sort of agreement with them?"

Guy #1: "I'm trying, but they keep kicking my ass. Hopefully they don't have any trees in Spain."

- South Loop

-- Submitted by Singer

Not you.

Guy: (on cell) "And they kept talking about how they knew each other from a dating site. Great. I got you trumped. My wife blew him. Who wins NOW?"

- Orange Line

-- Submitted by Candy

Not you.

Guy: (on cell) "And they kept talking about how they knew each other from a dating site. Great. I got you trumped. My wife blew him. Who wins NOW?"

- Orange Line

-- Submitted by Candy

Leave Tom Cruise alone.

Suburbanite: "I hope that autistic guy likes beards."

- Wilmette

-- Submitted by Jenn

He's not going to need a follow up phone call.

Guy: (on cell) "Why would we sponsor you to provide free services? We're not promoting ourselves. We're just showing up and giving you guys stuff that DOESN'T have our name on it. That's ludicrous. I can see why idiots like you have destroyed the economic system we have, you greedy bastard!"

- Red Line

-- Submitted by Marcus

The Bears still rule this town.

Guy #1: "This swine flu is the last thing we needed."

Guy #2: "You know Cutler is going to get it. It'll totally blow the season and our future."

Guy #1: "We're in 100% agreement."

- Little Italy

-- Submitted by Vinnie

Close, but no cigarillo.

Girl: "I think Cinco de Mayo is today."

- Pink line

-- Submitted by Jesse